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Government Spent $224,863 On "Custom-Fit" Condoms

Tyler Durden's picture


Money well-spent, we are sure some would suggest; but when the National Institute of Health spends $224,863 to test 95 "custom-fitted" condoms so every hard-working American man can choose the one that fits 'just right', we suggest the government is stretching the tax dollar a little too far. As NY Post reports, the study was prompted by concern that despite the wide-scale promotion of latex condoms to help prevent the spread of HIV, their use remains "disappointingly low," because, the government says, one-third to one-half of men complain of poor-fitting prophylactics and are less likely to use them... apparently. Of course, we assume, when questioned, all said the condom was 'too small'.


Via NY Post,



The NIH blames US “regulatory guidelines” for American men having to choose from a “narrow range of condom sizes.”


The six-figure grant was awarded to TheyFit of Covington, Ga., which offers a wide variety of condoms that vary in length — from a bit more than 3 inches to nearly 9 ¹/? — and in width.


They’re available in European Union countries, but not in the United States, where they would have to be approved by the Food and Drug Administration.


“For most of their existence, condoms were custom fitted,” TheyFit explains on its Web site.


“For hundreds of years, until the early part of the 20th century, they were made of linen or animal gut fitted to over individual penis sizes.”


But the introduction of latex, mass production of condoms and other factors created what the firm calls “the ‘one size fits all’ condom.”


For the man who doesn’t know his own penis size, TheyFit offers a free downloadable “FitKit.”




In 2009, the NIH financed a $423,500 study to find out why condom usage is so low in the United States.


Brings a whole new meaning to Obama's new "Promise Zones"...


But for those intrigued enough... here is @OnionSlayer 's informative map of the world's penis size...


And before you freak out (the scale is in cm not inches)...


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Sat, 01/11/2014 - 19:52 | 4323754 VD
VD's picture

thats like a min of POMO yo! premature ejaculation level gov spending right there...

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 19:56 | 4323763 chumbawamba
chumbawamba's picture

They need to focus on creating a condom for politicians that prevents them from jizzing all over America.

I am Chumbawmaba.

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 19:57 | 4323765 jbvtme
jbvtme's picture

this auta be good

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:13 | 4323801 knukles
knukles's picture

It was during the high period of the British Empire, the Brits discovered that the Arabs had been using sheep gut as condoms.  The Brits in their inevitable eccentric nature, improved upon the concept by removing the gut from the sheep before its use.

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:23 | 4323828 nmewn
nmewn's picture


Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:34 | 4323857 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Look, I really do love you and besides.... these things never fit me right.  It has NOTHING to do with the fact it feels like I'm wearing a glove over it.

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:50 | 4323901 SafelyGraze
SafelyGraze's picture

"The Brits in their inevitable eccentric nature, improved upon the concept by removing the gut from the sheep before its use."

not trying to start an argument, but ..

what makes that an "improvement"?


Sat, 01/11/2014 - 21:34 | 4323970 dogbreath
dogbreath's picture

there might be a little african in my canadian jeans

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 21:45 | 4323993 GotNuttin'todo
GotNuttin'todo's picture

If she is real little , she just might fit.

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 09:54 | 4324492 SilverIsKing
SilverIsKing's picture

I'm surprised they don't just outlaw unwanted pregnancies and STDs.

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 10:50 | 4324541 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

Well this is one area where at least a lot of inflation is a good thing...

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 12:45 | 4324702 gmrpeabody
gmrpeabody's picture

They never fit for shit..., always way too big.

Er, wait..., I meant too small, TOO SMALL!


Sun, 01/12/2014 - 11:09 | 4324571 giggler321
giggler321's picture

You're too quick, that's to COME

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 13:18 | 4324770 Bangin7GramRocks
Bangin7GramRocks's picture

"My Jimmy runs deep, so deep, put her ass to sleep." -Ice Cube

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 21:28 | 4323959 Hulk
Hulk's picture

ewe !!!

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:01 | 4323773 VD
VD's picture

 self-strangulation condom-like head-wrap would be pref actually....get them off the planet asap! (fer da venal dickheadz they all r..)

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:10 | 4323792 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

I came up with a campaign idea years ago that instead of tea bags, we should organize and send our congress critters all condoms with a note saying "If you plan to keep screwing us, at least wear these while you do it." The campaign was to be called the CONDOMNATION. The mass mailing would be the mass CONDOMNATION of congress.

We got bogged down in a manifesto and it never happened, but a few of us were starting to get organized to actually do it.

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:29 | 4323844 nmewn
nmewn's picture

So, no happy ending then? ;-)

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 21:59 | 4324019 chumbawamba
chumbawamba's picture

Yeah, Miles talked about it with me over lunch one time and was all excited about it.  Sounds like a good idea but it might only encourage them to go rape someone.  Maybe we should send them blow-up dolls instead?


Sat, 01/11/2014 - 23:47 | 4324155 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

Count me in.

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:21 | 4323822 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

The problem is that they are still sticking into Americans.

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 09:39 | 4324479 Cacete de Ouro
Cacete de Ouro's picture

Long Dicks Sporting Goods (DKS)

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:15 | 4323805 Jannn
Jannn's picture

TF Metals Report interviews China gold market expert Koos Jansen | Gold Anti-Trust Action Committee:

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 23:15 | 4324118 rubiconsolutions
rubiconsolutions's picture

If the shoe fits?

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 03:19 | 4324311 Barry McBear
Barry McBear's picture

"thats like a min of POMO yo!"


Actually, it's just under 7 seconds of pomo.

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 13:06 | 4324744 garypaul
garypaul's picture

Talk about envy. Look how much of Africa they left grey!

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 19:56 | 4323764 Oxbo Rene
Oxbo Rene's picture

Oh man ! ! !
Now I got to get out the conversion tool ! ! !

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 07:41 | 4324427 The Mist
The Mist's picture

Oh you're american? Let me help you, your average is size small.

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 09:59 | 4324499 swissaustrian
swissaustrian's picture

Here in Europe, condoms are primarily measured in mm of width (not girth), so called nominal width: is not the main indicator for individual condom size needs. Width makes much more sense: If the length of the condom is too short, it won't cause pain as long as the width fits. Don't go all-in and you're protected from diseases and not just pregnancy, too. If the width is too narrow, however, it will be painful and might burst.

As the article says, differently sized condoms are available in every pharmacy or online here in Europe, prescrition free ;-). They're cheap and literally every width and length can be purchased.

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 18:29 | 4325452 GeezerGeek
GeezerGeek's picture

But our politicians (both genders!) and bureaucrats are enormous dickheads. Meanwhile, most American men have been totally deflated by the constant assault of feminism, political correctness, end PBAs That's why Viagra is so popular. 

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:05 | 4323766 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture

I want a box of XXXLong'n'Wide -- they make the best water balloons.

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 19:57 | 4323768 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

I thought those were FEMA bags?

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:00 | 4323776 10mm
10mm's picture

Like taking a shower with knit socks on. 

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:02 | 4323778 Schacht Mat
Schacht Mat's picture

DHS approved this grant - they were told these were "body bags"

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 18:30 | 4325455 GeezerGeek
GeezerGeek's picture

Were they hollow-points?

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:03 | 4323779 hunglow
hunglow's picture

Not long enough.

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:04 | 4323780 Yenbot
Yenbot's picture

Let me guess. Woman-owned minority small business. Administration cousins.

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:21 | 4323821 nmewn
nmewn's picture

I'd say thats about right.

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:22 | 4323825 knukles
knukles's picture

No-bid contract, award sealed under national security priorities, visited WH 379 times since 2008, important Democratic bundlers, rumored candidate for Ambassadorship to Kenya

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:34 | 4323856 nmewn
nmewn's picture

What we need is a real professional here, someone to bring this thing up to its full throbbing potential & girth and expand upon the concept.

Maybe Kathleen Sebelius ;-)

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:44 | 4323882 knukles
knukles's picture

Looks like a paper bag?
Comes complete with tourniquet for after gnawing off own arm?

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:50 | 4323900 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Thats the one.

Sold with Kate Upton's picture on it all the way through checkout, its the damndest money making thing in the known universe.

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:10 | 4323793 Dewey Cheatum Howe
Dewey Cheatum Howe's picture

Did they use Howie Mandel's head in that study?

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 21:41 | 4323984 GotNuttin'todo
GotNuttin'todo's picture

That is where they got the Canadian stats from.

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 09:57 | 4324496 SilverIsKing
SilverIsKing's picture

Only for the 5:1 gang bang.

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:12 | 4323799 notadouche
notadouche's picture

Yes it's the ill fit that makes men not want to wear condoms.  

Now really, in the US there is enough information out there that a man of free will can make a choice that is appropriate for him an or her.  Our govenment is one of denial.  They know the truth as to why most men don't like to wear condoms but that just isn't the answer they want so now they have to invent an answer that fits their narrative better.  The narrative that states "we must continue to invent more and more ways to nickel and dime the taxpayer until we have all the nickel and dimes".

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:16 | 4323807 Bazza McKenzie
Bazza McKenzie's picture

So the Canuks have bigger peckers than the Yanks.  That's a bit of a poke in the eye.

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 21:40 | 4323982 GotNuttin'todo
GotNuttin'todo's picture

Poke in the eye? I thought it was a poke in the Y. No wonder I need an extra large - NOT!

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 13:50 | 4324839 SmackDaddy
SmackDaddy's picture

well most Americans gain an extra inch when you push the fat back from around the base

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 10:49 | 4324540 Clowns on Acid
Clowns on Acid's picture

It's based on average...ahem...

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:18 | 4323811 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture


A dwarf walks in to the pharmacy and asks for the biggest condom in a squeaky voice. He is shown a 12 inch, 14 inch and 16" condom but is not satisfied. The pharmacist tells him that he will have to order the biggest one in.

A few days later he goes to the pharmacy and is handed a large packet. He opens it and finds a huge condom in there. He unrolls it and proceeds to put it over his head all the way down to his feet. He then asks the pharmacist how he looks.

The pharmacist replies, "you actually look like a big prick."

Dward replies: "That's fine by me, because I am sick of my friends calling me a little cunt."

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:18 | 4323814 bugs_
bugs_'s picture

with NSA taps

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:18 | 4323816 nmewn
nmewn's picture

They really expect "real men" to download the FitKit and do what...whack off to gauge the perfect fit? Seems more geared toward the onesie pajama wearing crowd who real men don't have a problem with there being any less of to begin with.

"Oh yes, lets get some hot chocolate and discuss the new FitKit download!!!"

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:25 | 4323830 knukles
knukles's picture

Actually the FitKit is comprised of a set of internal calipers used to measure the width of which one of the Mrs's hair curlers slides most comfortably over a fully engorged penis.

"Yes, honey, I adore your new curlers.  No, they don't make your ass look big."

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:40 | 4323875 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Well they say its good for the skin, so its gotta be good for the hair! ;-)

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:45 | 4323890 knukles
knukles's picture

Gives a whole new meaning to "butch wax"

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:51 | 4323903 nmewn
nmewn's picture

I wouldn't touch that with one your wife's curlers ;-)

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 22:10 | 4324037 shovelhead
shovelhead's picture

Dippity-Do ?

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:20 | 4323820 q99x2
q99x2's picture

Wonder if the FEDs would provide funding for such a project on my planet. We use alligator hides there.

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:26 | 4323837 knicks3005
knicks3005's picture

They need a fucking tuba to make a custom size for me. 

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:30 | 4323846 Atomizer
Atomizer's picture

Boy, does this sound racist to me. /sarc

Popularise female condoms


The article above is from South Africa division.  

Young Communist League USA

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 05:39 | 4324374 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Try and find a copy of "The Wild Girl's Club" by Anka Radakovich.  She devoted a couple of chapters to condoms (female as well) in the book (It's absolutely hysterical!)

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:37 | 4323859 Atomizer
Atomizer's picture

I’ll bet Obama is wearing a female condom when Reggy pays him a visit. :p

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 20:44 | 4323883 Dinero D. Profit
Dinero D. Profit's picture

This is a nifty-good idea.

Mail your used condom to:

The Pope

c/o The Vatican,

The Rome,

The Italy.

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 13:53 | 4324848 SmackDaddy
SmackDaddy's picture

they gladly accept them from nambla

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 21:17 | 4323944 Hulk
Hulk's picture

You can keep your .gov condoms, I like making creampies !!!

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 21:25 | 4323957 GotNuttin'todo
GotNuttin'todo's picture

Hey.  The world is full of crooked junk. What can you do about it?

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 05:40 | 4324376 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Umm, send'em to prison till they mend their ways? :>D

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 21:33 | 4323965 william114085
william114085's picture

I must have some Conganese relatives

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 21:53 | 4324007 Wait What
Wait What's picture

"For the man who doesn't know his own penis size" so this research is exclusively for that one guy? you'd think that after a lifetime of peeing every guy would have that information. my own 'research' tells me The Legend works for me. no NIH grant needed.

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 22:35 | 4324071 Spigot
Spigot's picture

I notice the bottom map does not expose the size of Antarctican penii ...

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 22:44 | 4324080 Tall Tom
Tall Tom's picture

Frank Zappa..."Penis Dimension"


Music starts at 1:20


Penis dimension
Penis dimension
Penis dimension is worrying me
I can't hardly sleep at night
'Cause of penis dimension

Do you worry?
Do you worry a lot?


Do you worry?
Do you worry and moan . . .
That the size of your cock is not monstruous enough?

It's your penis dimension!
Penis dimension!

Wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ooo-wah
Wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ooo-wah

Mark: Hiya friends. Now just be honest about it. Did you ever consider the possiblity that your penis, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide elements of sub-conscious tension? Weird, twisted anxieties that could force a human being to have to become a politician! A policeman! A jesuit monk
Howard?: [...]
Mark: A rock and roll guitar player! A wino! You name it. Or in the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone BEEF-UP, may become writers of hot books
Howard: "Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her quivering quim."
Mark: Yes, or they become Carmelite nuns!
Howard: "Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated member in her slithering slit." Ha ha ha!
Mark: Ooh, or racehorse jockeys. There is no reason why you, or your loved one should suffer. Things are bad enough, without the size of your organ adding even more misery to the TROUBLES OF THE WORLD!
Howard: Right on, right on!
Mark: Now, if your a lady and you've got munchkin tits, you can console yourself with this age-old line from primary school:
Mark: And isn't it the truth? And if you're a guy, and one night you're at a party and you're trying to be cool, I mean, you aren't even wearing any underwear, you're being so cool, and somebody hits on you one night, and he looks you up and down and he says, uh . . .
Howard: Eight inches or less?
Mark: Well let me tell you, brothers, that's the time when you got to turn around and look that sonofabitch right between the eyes, and you got to tell him these words:

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 13:21 | 4324764 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture
FRANK ZAPPA -- "Bwana Dik"

And if his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
If his dick is a monster
They will give him their hearts

Hold it! Please hold it!
My God, Madge . . . you voluptuous New York City slit . . .
Why didn't you tell me before?
It was so hard to tell with your little blousey-poo on, but . . .
Now that I see you . . . I would have helped . . .
I didn't know you were so obviously . . . PREGNANT . . .

I've got the thing you need
I am endowed beyond your wildest
Clearasil-spattered fantasies
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah . . .

Girls from all over the world
Flock to write my name on the toilet walls
Of the Whisky A-Go-Go
For I am Bwana Dik
I am Bwana Dik
Me Bwana Dik
Yo! Me Bwana Dik

My dick is a monster
Give me your heart

Bwana Dik is a legend
Enormous thou art

My dick is a Harley
You kick it to start

Bwana Dik speaks
The heavens will part

My dick is a dagger
I'll force it to fit
My dick is a reamer, baby
To scream up your slit

Steam it!
Ream it!
Cream it

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 22:48 | 4324087 Papasmurf
Papasmurf's picture

They approached the problem incorrectly.  They should have researched penis enlargment technology so the largest condom fit properly.

Sat, 01/11/2014 - 23:45 | 4324151 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

The Magnums are always out of stock, but the regular size acts like a cock ring so it's O.K.

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 00:52 | 4324213 Miffed Microbio...
Miffed Microbiologist's picture

What I'd like to know is how do they come up with this data. I mean are actual measurements taken or is this a verbal survey ( must not be or every guy would report his cock on par with John Holmes). Is this really a random selection of men?

Condoms were our method of birth control because I couldn't take the pill. Mr absolutely hated them and said they radically reduced his pleasure. This is obviously why they aren't used. I'm sure this is why men want women to take the Pill. However, since it's introduction, our society has been exposed to massive amount of estrogens unlike before. Who knows what this has done to us? Very little research has been done in this area. My old boss wanted to explore if there were a possible connection between the pill and homosexuality and was told to cease by the institute where he did his research. Social and chemical effemination is bombarding men at every turn. Soon they will have no need for condoms.


Sun, 01/12/2014 - 02:06 | 4324273 Nassim
Nassim's picture

despite the wide-scale promotion of latex condoms to help prevent the spread of HIV, their use remains "disappointingly low,"

The reason they are not popular is because it affects the sensation. In any case, lots of infections - like herpes and HPV - are not prevented by condoms. Americans have the worst sexual health of any advanced nation.

Here is my concept - FDA-approved - which is guaranteed to wipe out HIV and everything else that is testable when used in a population.

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 05:39 | 4324375 TPTB_r_TBTF
TPTB_r_TBTF's picture

A more interesting point to ponder would be:


How much Pussy gets wasted world-wide?


The other map: the one showing the average depth of Pussy in these regions would allow us to compare the average length with the average depth.

We would certainly see that depth exceeds length around the World,

meaning a lot of Pussy is wasted world-wide and remains unused for an entire lifetime.

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 05:44 | 4324377 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

I'm intrigued and would like to subscribe to your newsletter!

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 07:28 | 4324419 iLiquid
iLiquid's picture

The pussy-dick spread.  Wall Street will manage to arbitrage that.

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 08:07 | 4324440 NuYawkFrankie
NuYawkFrankie's picture


Don't need 'em - tieing a knot works fine for me


Sun, 01/12/2014 - 10:20 | 4324507 Papasmurf
Papasmurf's picture

tieing a knot works fine for me

Mine's not long enough to tie it in a knot.

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 10:59 | 4324554 1stepcloser
1stepcloser's picture

The Secret Service Demanded it!

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 11:12 | 4324575 giggler321
giggler321's picture

The standard had poor-fitting prophylactics so I tried GOLD and it was just right...

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 11:20 | 4324584 enloe creek
enloe creek's picture

I think my wife helped with the study she said she has been having a hard time at work and is always complains about how long she has to work

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 11:23 | 4324591 Prime Rib
Prime Rib's picture

Oops - I thought this was from the Onion.

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 11:35 | 4324606 ThisIsBob
ThisIsBob's picture

Good to know that as the government sticks it up your ass, they are concerned about protection.

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 13:57 | 4324855 viator
viator's picture

Obama condoms

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 14:10 | 4324876 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

I'm mostly pissed off the NIH didn't invite me to participate in the test.

Sun, 01/12/2014 - 17:52 | 4325354 franciscopendergrass
franciscopendergrass's picture

If the glove don't fit, you must acquit.

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 00:47 | 4326416 TheReplacement
TheReplacement's picture

Can you say "decadance"?  Everything is about art, feeling good, live for today, if you can't have fun why do it.... the end is extremely fucking nigh!

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