Monday Humor: Portland Pimp Sues Nike For "Dangerous Weapon"-ized Trainers

Tyler Durden's picture




 

While McDonalds "coffee is hot" warning labels and litigation was a farce of lowest-common-denominator American exceptionalism; SirGriorgio Clardy, a Portland pimp, is suing Nike for not specifying that his trainers could be used as a dangerous weapon. As NBC News reports, Clardy is seeking $100 million from the Oregon sportswear company after he was sentenced to 100 years in prison for brutally beating a 'john' with his sneaker (apparently unaware of their potential for danger when one stomps on the face of another human being).

 

 

Via NBC News,

...

 

Sirgiorgio Clardy, 26, claims Nike should have placed a warning in the shoes warning consumers that the kicks have the potential to be used as a dangerous weapon, according to The Oregonian newspaper. Clardy is seeking $100 million for what he believes was the shoe manufacturer’s oversight.

 

In June, Clardy repeatedly stomped on the face of a client with his Jordan Nike shoes when the man refused to pay Clardy’s prostitute. The man required stitches and plastic surgery after the beating.

 

Clardy was sentenced to 100 years in prison for beating the man as well as attacking an 18-year-old prostitute so violently that she bled from her ears.

 

...

 

The jury in Clardy’s most recent case called him a “dangerous offender” and classified his shoes as “a dangerous weapon” in order to assure he received the longest prison sentence possible, according to The Oregonian.

 

Clardy wrote a three-page complaint against Nike from the Eastern Oregon Correctional Institution where he is incarcerated, reported The Oregonian. In the claim he said Nike “failed to warn of risk or to provide an adequate warning or instruction,” by not cautioning that their shoes are “potentially dangerous.”

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Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:24 | 4328776 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

Playa's just tryin' t'earn a living, yo.

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:28 | 4328788 markovchainey
markovchainey's picture

I almost hope he wins...do you know how much Pruno $100 million will buy?

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:31 | 4328806 fonestar
fonestar's picture

Bitcoin can help eliminate violence against sex workers around the world by eliminating the middle man.  Bankers and pimps share much in common.

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:34 | 4328817 jcaz
jcaz's picture

Bitcoin can eliminate sex-  fonebone is walking proof of that.....

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:58 | 4328935 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Free Jon Corzine!

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 20:07 | 4328957 dryam
dryam's picture

"If I had a son, he would look like SirGiriogio."  

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 20:23 | 4328997 Supernova Born
Supernova Born's picture

Pimp 101, Chapter 1, "The Pimp HAND".

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 20:32 | 4329024 Manthong
Manthong's picture

That’s almost as funny as the government fining a big bank for criminal and negligent operations.

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 20:46 | 4329054 knukles
knukles's picture

If I had a pimp for a son, he'd look just like....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSXv4krGmQw

Tue, 01/14/2014 - 03:10 | 4329947 AldousHuxley
AldousHuxley's picture

behind every lawsuit is a greedy lawyer.

 

BTW, your politicians are likely to be lawyers too.

Tue, 01/14/2014 - 06:58 | 4330112 GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture

 

 

So I buy this hammer at Costco......came with a warning label......do not strike pimps with this product.

 

I'm glad they put that there.....cause that was the first thing I thought about doing with it.

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 20:25 | 4329006 Freddie
Freddie's picture

He looks just like DeBlasio's kid.  Maybe his brother.

https://www.google.com/search?q=deblasio%27s+son&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=u...

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 20:53 | 4329072 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Time for a Beer Summit!

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 20:58 | 4329089 Fredo Corleone
Fredo Corleone's picture

Freddie, great catch. Still laughing.

+1

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:34 | 4328823 shovelhead
shovelhead's picture

Even bitcoin pimps?

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:41 | 4328843 fonestar
fonestar's picture

1 BTC will buy you a lot of bitbitchez in five years.

What's in your wallet.dat?

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:43 | 4328855 nmewn
nmewn's picture

As long as they got a barcode tat on their ass...lol.

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:46 | 4328877 I am more equal...
I am more equal than others's picture

 

 

 

When eyes bees wearin my top-siders my bitches don't combplain bout da stompin.  Damn nikes.  I aint stealin no mo air jordans (the best NBA ever to live, die or otherwise).

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:47 | 4328878 the0ther
the0ther's picture

Man I been thinking and thinking about what tattoo to get and I think you just helped me to decide.

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:50 | 4328897 Papasmurf
Papasmurf's picture

As long as they got a barcode tat on their ass...lol.

Always check for the tramp stamp mark of quality.

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 20:48 | 4329063 knukles
knukles's picture

Oh, you should check for
The tramp stamp label
When you are buying a girl, boy or cow...

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:49 | 4328894 eclectic syncretist
eclectic syncretist's picture

Bitcoin will be dealt with by TPTB when it is to their best advantage, and to your macimum disadvantage, to do so.

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:54 | 4328915 fonestar
fonestar's picture

TPTB are unable to deal with those who have achieved Satoshi conciousness.  Because we have reached the greatest computing power on Earth means that we are more intelligent than virtually everyone on Earth.

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 22:21 | 4329306 Crash Overide
Crash Overide's picture

religion?

Tue, 01/14/2014 - 09:39 | 4330296 monkeyboy
monkeyboy's picture

$100M sure buy a lot of Jordans!

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 20:44 | 4329052 Kirk2NCC1701
Tue, 01/14/2014 - 09:22 | 4330257 tarsubil
tarsubil's picture

Enough to die from botulism.

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:29 | 4328790 insanelysane
insanelysane's picture

There needs to be a National Sneaker Owners Registry with a 10 day waiting period before buying "kicks".

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:39 | 4328830 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

Sneakers don't kill, pimps with sneakers do.

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 20:14 | 4328976 Ignatius
Ignatius's picture

As his lawyer I'd have recommended he wear Bruno Magli shoes, like OJ.

"Hmmm, Nikes.  I'm not sure what I can do with this, kid."

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 20:20 | 4328991 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

If the Nike Jordans fit you must run, skinflint.

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 20:28 | 4329013 XitSam
XitSam's picture

Felony flyers

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 20:49 | 4329064 Offthebeach
Offthebeach's picture

If you want to keep your Nike Jordans, you can.

( prison excepted. )

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:29 | 4328793 Al Huxley
Al Huxley's picture

100 years in prison gon' give him plenyatime to figure out what ta do wit it, too.

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:32 | 4328814 jcaz
jcaz's picture

Dude is just trying to stay alive in prison- after his buddies find out how he abused his Nikes,  he'll be lower than a pedophile in the yard........

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:43 | 4328853 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

If Barry had a son....

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:50 | 4328896 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

....he might resemble Sirgiorgio Clardy, aka The Duke Of Pearl aka Chester Dangerfield aka Little Big aka The Magnificent Seven....

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:58 | 4328931 Mike in GA
Mike in GA's picture

stomp we much!

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:31 | 4328807 bigdumbnugly
bigdumbnugly's picture

yo dat.

not to one-upsmanship this dude or anything... but many of my personal friends can attest that any of my footwear might be classified as an even more dangerous weapon just for being removed from my feet and allowed to air.

i've got a lawyer on retainer just in case...

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 23:52 | 4329650 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

I thought the first was being born in the US of A?

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:59 | 4328936 Xploregon
Xploregon's picture

"Keeping Portland Weird" one freek'in stupid loser at a time.

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 20:49 | 4329066 tom a taxpayer
tom a taxpayer's picture

The perp's hairdo...is Portland in a +40 year old time warp?

Tue, 01/14/2014 - 00:02 | 4329680 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

The hoez had no time for the corn rowz....

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 21:37 | 4329195 Overfed
Overfed's picture

It's funny. Portland is the only big city I've ever been in that I don't hate. I freakin' hate Seattle, and Tacoma and Federal Way aren't much better. Spokane is a shithole if ever there was one. Portland ain't so bad.

Tue, 01/14/2014 - 03:13 | 4329954 sylviasays
sylviasays's picture

Portland? That soggy shithole of a city where fat leftist man-hating lesbians dominate? 

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:25 | 4328780 Mr Pink
Mr Pink's picture

Who's the bigger sleezebag, the pimp or his lawyer?

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:28 | 4328787 Al Huxley
Al Huxley's picture

Maybe they could both be subjected to some test runs to determine just how dangerous a weapon those shoes really are - you know, before deciding on the wording of the warning. 

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:30 | 4328800 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

They can sue me for dangerously not giving a fuck. Darwin Awards all around.

Mon, 01/13/2014 - 19:31 | 4328810 insanelysane
insanelysane's picture

Nike's working on the new Cross-Crime line of shoes; sharpened toe section for cutting, reinforced heel for stomping, and light weight body with solid traction for fleeing the cops.

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