Monday Humor: Portland Pimp Sues Nike For "Dangerous Weapon"-ized Trainers

Tyler Durden's picture

While McDonalds "coffee is hot" warning labels and litigation was a farce of lowest-common-denominator American exceptionalism; SirGriorgio Clardy, a Portland pimp, is suing Nike for not specifying that his trainers could be used as a dangerous weapon. As NBC News reports, Clardy is seeking $100 million from the Oregon sportswear company after he was sentenced to 100 years in prison for brutally beating a 'john' with his sneaker (apparently unaware of their potential for danger when one stomps on the face of another human being).



Via NBC News,



Sirgiorgio Clardy, 26, claims Nike should have placed a warning in the shoes warning consumers that the kicks have the potential to be used as a dangerous weapon, according to The Oregonian newspaper. Clardy is seeking $100 million for what he believes was the shoe manufacturer’s oversight.


In June, Clardy repeatedly stomped on the face of a client with his Jordan Nike shoes when the man refused to pay Clardy’s prostitute. The man required stitches and plastic surgery after the beating.


Clardy was sentenced to 100 years in prison for beating the man as well as attacking an 18-year-old prostitute so violently that she bled from her ears.




The jury in Clardy’s most recent case called him a “dangerous offender” and classified his shoes as “a dangerous weapon” in order to assure he received the longest prison sentence possible, according to The Oregonian.


Clardy wrote a three-page complaint against Nike from the Eastern Oregon Correctional Institution where he is incarcerated, reported The Oregonian. In the claim he said Nike “failed to warn of risk or to provide an adequate warning or instruction,” by not cautioning that their shoes are “potentially dangerous.”

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TeamDepends's picture

Playa's just tryin' t'earn a living, yo.

markovchainey's picture

I almost hope he you know how much Pruno $100 million will buy?

fonestar's picture

Bitcoin can help eliminate violence against sex workers around the world by eliminating the middle man.  Bankers and pimps share much in common.

jcaz's picture

Bitcoin can eliminate sex-  fonebone is walking proof of that.....

dryam's picture

"If I had a son, he would look like SirGiriogio."  

Supernova Born's picture

Pimp 101, Chapter 1, "The Pimp HAND".

Manthong's picture

That’s almost as funny as the government fining a big bank for criminal and negligent operations.

knukles's picture

If I had a pimp for a son, he'd look just like....

AldousHuxley's picture

behind every lawsuit is a greedy lawyer.


BTW, your politicians are likely to be lawyers too.

GetZeeGold's picture



So I buy this hammer at Costco......came with a warning not strike pimps with this product.


I'm glad they put that there.....cause that was the first thing I thought about doing with it.

nmewn's picture

Time for a Beer Summit!

Fredo Corleone's picture

Freddie, great catch. Still laughing.


fonestar's picture

1 BTC will buy you a lot of bitbitchez in five years.

What's in your wallet.dat?

nmewn's picture

As long as they got a barcode tat on their

I am more equal than others's picture




When eyes bees wearin my top-siders my bitches don't combplain bout da stompin.  Damn nikes.  I aint stealin no mo air jordans (the best NBA ever to live, die or otherwise).

the0ther's picture

Man I been thinking and thinking about what tattoo to get and I think you just helped me to decide.

Papasmurf's picture

As long as they got a barcode tat on their

Always check for the tramp stamp mark of quality.

knukles's picture

Oh, you should check for
The tramp stamp label
When you are buying a girl, boy or cow...

eclectic syncretist's picture

Bitcoin will be dealt with by TPTB when it is to their best advantage, and to your macimum disadvantage, to do so.

fonestar's picture

TPTB are unable to deal with those who have achieved Satoshi conciousness.  Because we have reached the greatest computing power on Earth means that we are more intelligent than virtually everyone on Earth.

monkeyboy's picture

$100M sure buy a lot of Jordans!

tarsubil's picture

Enough to die from botulism.

insanelysane's picture

There needs to be a National Sneaker Owners Registry with a 10 day waiting period before buying "kicks".

TeamDepends's picture

Sneakers don't kill, pimps with sneakers do.

Ignatius's picture

As his lawyer I'd have recommended he wear Bruno Magli shoes, like OJ.

"Hmmm, Nikes.  I'm not sure what I can do with this, kid."

TeamDepends's picture

If the Nike Jordans fit you must run, skinflint.

Offthebeach's picture

If you want to keep your Nike Jordans, you can.

( prison excepted. )

Al Huxley's picture

100 years in prison gon' give him plenyatime to figure out what ta do wit it, too.

jcaz's picture

Dude is just trying to stay alive in prison- after his buddies find out how he abused his Nikes,  he'll be lower than a pedophile in the yard........

TeamDepends's picture

If Barry had a son....

TeamDepends's picture

....he might resemble Sirgiorgio Clardy, aka The Duke Of Pearl aka Chester Dangerfield aka Little Big aka The Magnificent Seven....

bigdumbnugly's picture

yo dat.

not to one-upsmanship this dude or anything... but many of my personal friends can attest that any of my footwear might be classified as an even more dangerous weapon just for being removed from my feet and allowed to air.

i've got a lawyer on retainer just in case...

Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

I thought the first was being born in the US of A?

Xploregon's picture

"Keeping Portland Weird" one freek'in stupid loser at a time.

tom a taxpayer's picture

The perp's Portland in a +40 year old time warp?

Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

The hoez had no time for the corn rowz....

Overfed's picture

It's funny. Portland is the only big city I've ever been in that I don't hate. I freakin' hate Seattle, and Tacoma and Federal Way aren't much better. Spokane is a shithole if ever there was one. Portland ain't so bad.

sylviasays's picture

Portland? That soggy shithole of a city where fat leftist man-hating lesbians dominate? 

Mr Pink's picture

Who's the bigger sleezebag, the pimp or his lawyer?

Al Huxley's picture

Maybe they could both be subjected to some test runs to determine just how dangerous a weapon those shoes really are - you know, before deciding on the wording of the warning. 

cougar_w's picture

They can sue me for dangerously not giving a fuck. Darwin Awards all around.

insanelysane's picture

Nike's working on the new Cross-Crime line of shoes; sharpened toe section for cutting, reinforced heel for stomping, and light weight body with solid traction for fleeing the cops.