Now Sold At CostCo, For The Low, Low Price Of Only $15,999.99

Tyler Durden's picture




 

It hasn't been a good year for discount retailers which rely on the broke US consumer to grow, such as Walmart, Target and Costco, the latter of which in the past has seemingly tried everything it could in the commodity business, even going as far as selling bundled provisions for the apocalypse. Alas, so far it has been unable to boost its margins, and since it is not Amazon where failure is rewarded, or else Jeff Bezos just hypnotizes everyone with his latest money-losing contraption (but, but it has such a great growth rate), it is time Costco tried something different to boost margins. Something really different. Such as selling a Superbowl lower level package for two for the low, low price of $15,999.99.

Indeed: once upon a time getting tickets to the Superbowl was a private affair and usually involved knowing a hedge fund manager, the real life equivalent of Walter White, the owner of Tickermaster, or having participated in at least 10 porn movies... in the New Normal one can simply purchase Superbowl tickets at your nearest discount retailer's website.

From CostCo:

 

So what does nearly half of the median US annual wage get you?

Super Bowl Game Package
Metlife Stadium
East Rutherford, NJ
January 30, 2014 through February 3, 2014

The vibrant energy and excitement of New York City awaits you with this incredible four night package, including 2 tickets to football’s ultimate championship game that will be played at Metlife Stadium in Rutherford, NJ. Your Super Bowl game package is complete with your 2 game tickets and accommodations at the Westin Hotel, New York - Times Square, tickets to the Taste of the NFL (one of the premier events of the weekend), roundtrip transportation from the hotel to all the game day activity including an exclusive pregame party aboard a privately chartered yacht (Hornblower Hybrid) featuring guest speaker Archie Manning while cruising the harbor and seeing the sights of the city as they can only be seen on the waterways.

For inquiries regarding the Super Bowl Game Package, please email events@sportevents.com or call toll free (888) 699-4040. Customer service hours are Monday through Friday, 9 am to 5 pm EST (calls after hours including weekends are routed to an answering service to leave a message)

Super Bowl Lower-Level Package for Two includes:
Accommodations:

  • Five (5) days and four (4) nights accommodations for two at the Westin Hotel in Times Square
  • January 30, 2014 – February 3, 2014
  • Souvenir gift bag
  • Sports Events staff members are on-site at hotel locations and all program events, to assist members (Thursday-Sunday)

Game Tickets:

  • Two (2) Lower-Level Corner tickets to the game
  • Sunday, February 2, 2014
  • MetLife Stadium - East Rutherford, NJ

The Taste of the NFL is a non-profit organization dedicated to raise awareness to fight hunger, and support food banks around the county by rallying the country’s best chefs and the NFL’s greatest to support hunger relief. Sample fine cuisine, meet and mingle with renowned chefs and NFL greats and participate in a silent auction with unique sports memorabilia and other exciting items.

  • Two (2) tickets - Saturday, February 1, 2014
  • Starts at 7:00pm at Brooklyn Cruise Terminal Pier 12
  • Attire- business or cocktail dress is suggested, but not required
  • The entertainment begins at approximately 10:00pm - after the food service and silent auction conclude for more information visit: www.tasteofthenfl.com
  • NFL’s wine and food event featuring 35 of the country’s best chefs (including one from each of the 32 NFL markets) are paired with a current or alumni player from each NFL team
  • Participating Chefs visit: http://www.tasteofthenfl.com/superbowlevent/tnfl_chefs
  • Participating Players visit: http://www.tasteofthenfl.com/superbowlevent/players

Pre-game party includes:

  • Two (2) tickets - Sunday, February 2, 2014
  • Hornblower Hybrid Cruise- privately chartered yacht
  • Tour the harbor and sights of NYC from the water and dock in New Jersey (3) hours
  • Time - 11:45am–12:15pm board; 12:15pm-3:00pm event (cruise); 3:00pm-3:30 disembark vessel
  • Featured guest speaker, Archie Manning, NFL great and father of two Super Bowl Quarterbacks
  • Open full premium bars (21+ to consume alcohol, ID check on admission)
  • Hors d’oeuvres and entrées featuring NYC favorites
  • Pre-game coverage showed via on board televisions
  • Personal appearances by NFL Alumni

Game day transportation:

  • Round-trip transportation on game day - Sunday, February 2, 2014
  • Ride via motor coaches
  • Provided from hotel to pregame party, from the pregame party to the stadium, and from the stadium back to hotel following the conclusion of the game (60 mins from game end), buses will bring guests back to their hotel locations

Terms & Conditions:

  • Airfare or travel is not included in the package price
  • Airport Transfer to and from hotel not included
  • Transportation to and from the Taste of the NFL not included
  • The Purchaser and guest are responsible for any expenses not listed herein

Shipping Process:

  • A Sports Events representative will contact member via phone or email to verify member order within 24 hours
  • Confirm guest names to list on hotel room reservation and preferred bed type (King or double)
  • Member's will then receive an email confirmation (including basic program agenda & hotel confirmation number) for the event package
  • Super Bowl tickets, members will pick them up from the on-site Sport Events hospitality desk located in the designated hotel location during the program from 9am - 4pm Thursday - Saturday

* * *

So how long until every other discount retailer offers comparable packages, and in the process commoditizes the Super Bowl to the point where none of the 1% will want to come within 100 miles of a venue where tickets can be bought by the peasantry (thanks to that 5th HU(nderwater)ELOC offered by the Federal Reserve Bank JPMorgan) at a place like WalMart, Family Dollar or your generic, friendly neighborhood 99 cent store?

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Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:01 | 4336320 Supernova Born
Supernova Born's picture

Just think how little that 16K will buy a wee bit down the road and CARPE DIEM!

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:03 | 4336326 flacon
flacon's picture

What is a super bowl? I'm not really into watching the gladiators. 

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:27 | 4336420 MontgomeryScott
MontgomeryScott's picture

Ah, the FUN!

16 K to watch games that you can see better at home on your Chinese big-screen (AND, you don't get to see the great Superbowl commercials...).

Oh, YEAH, I want to go to Bloomberg's New York! Sounds like FUN!

What do you MEAN, you got arrested in NYC? What'd you do, anyway? (Oh, I bought a 32 ounce Coca Cola for the Superbowl)

 

Does anyone know which 'teams' are actually playing this year? Honestly, I really don't know. Further, I REALLY stopped giving a shit about 25 years ago.

Say, are they going to have a bunch of disabled Afganistan veterans get up and give speeches about how they called in the drone strikes that killed all those wedding parties, right before Merkuh's freedom-loving C-17's fly over the stadium, firing blanks (and covering the F-16's)? Perhaps, a demonstration of waterboarding, at halftime? How about the DHS search to get in every night? I wouldn't want to miss THIS...for the low-low price of 16 thousand FEDSCRIPS! My shoes are already OFF, and my lap top is OPEN...

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:39 | 4336464 Boris Alatovkrap
Boris Alatovkrap's picture

Boris is glance over offer, calculate foreign currency exchange, and maybe is good deal. Discount for cost of move of family and in-law, is only little more price than is Boris apartment. $16000 USD is for one year lease, no?

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:49 | 4336526 frankTHE COIN
frankTHE COIN's picture

No.

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 23:19 | 4336628 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Let's see... at $3/oz premium for 10oz bars at $20.xx spot, 16,000 / 230 = 69.56 bars ~ 22.37Kg of silver.

Ho-Li-Fuk

Thu, 01/16/2014 - 00:27 | 4336836 Harlequin001
Harlequin001's picture

Sixteen thousand dollars? That's fucking outrageous.

 

Thu, 01/16/2014 - 00:46 | 4336878 walküre
walküre's picture

16k for a couple tickets and you get to ride in coaches to / from the event. What a colossal waste of a package.

Thu, 01/16/2014 - 02:27 | 4337029 zaphod
zaphod's picture

A fool and his money...

Thu, 01/16/2014 - 09:34 | 4337420 Agstacker
Agstacker's picture

Yea, I'll take the monster box and pass on the super bowl...

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:42 | 4336487 HardAssets
HardAssets's picture

Don't forget the part of the half time show where some slut comes out and sings while flashing Illuminati symbols. Yep . . . lots of pyramids and 'all knowing evil eye' stuff (mixed in with dry humping of various objects & genders).

Its an American tradition now.

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 23:12 | 4336601 Boris Alatovkrap
Boris Alatovkrap's picture

Illuminati tattoo slut... Janet Yellen?

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 23:07 | 4336584 gdogus erectus
gdogus erectus's picture

Sooo, you're not a niners fan?

Thu, 01/16/2014 - 07:53 | 4337266 therover
therover's picture

Good luck trying to get that 32 ounce soda into the stadium. I am surprised they are not strip searching everyone prior to letting them in.

FUCK THE SUPERBOWL.

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 23:13 | 4336603 TheMerryPrankster
TheMerryPrankster's picture

More like GAYDIATORS, lads in tight uniforms prancing about and slapping each other on the fanny. Whilst macho men couch potatoes inhale nachos and sit in wading pools of beer stupified as a common game of football is exalted as a moment of crowning glory of iconic greatness.

The gods come to earth but once a year to watch mediocre football and a halftime show that may cause permanent brain damage by its stupefying badness.

And the frosting? The corporations that are destroying the couch potatoes will bring forth yet more moments of corporate propaganda and they will be dazzled and discuss these "important commercial moments" for days or weeks afterwards. They are so brainwashed they look forward to more and better brainwashing.

This then is our culture in full abject fail mode.

Our glory seems somewhat tarnished and our gods are revealed as tired old ponies once more.  America bleeds to death behind a curtain of sheer entertainment.

Who won the toss?

 

 

Thu, 01/16/2014 - 00:09 | 4336787 Wait What
Wait What's picture

+1000

wouldn't it be great if for one moment all of those couch potatoes came to the realization that their whole lives they've been socialized by schools, churches, the media oligopoly, and the ad industry to perpetuate those organizations' best interests, to the point of sacrificing their own? how many would really even care?

Thu, 01/16/2014 - 00:45 | 4336874 walküre
walküre's picture

Brilliant prose. Thanks for this cultural gem tonight.

Thu, 01/16/2014 - 01:45 | 4336973 Ranger_Will
Ranger_Will's picture

PAH! The NFL is chump change in terms an example of a society in collapse! Serious piker stuff!

Call me back after 10,000 die in a riot and half of your capital is burned to the ground over a sporting event!

You gotta hand it to the Romans, they knew how to fall like a boss!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nika_riots

Thu, 01/16/2014 - 08:01 | 4337278 Tall Tom
Tall Tom's picture

Both the National Basketball Leagugue and Major Leaugue Baseball are stupid enough to have their Championship Tournaments played in the Hometowns of the Teams. That is when you get the riots and the cities actually burn.

 

Since all of the New York Teams are out of the contest..at this point...the odds that NYC and East Rutherford NJ burn to the ground are minimized.

 

What a shame. Burn baby burn. But I hope that Denver burns...

 

(That is if Denver are the ones picked to win as the NFL IS FIXED. The Officials call the game by penalties and through blind eyes to penalties.)

Thu, 01/16/2014 - 05:23 | 4337175 SilverRhino
SilverRhino's picture

Actually if Costco REALLY wanted to make some serious money ... start selling ammo and rifles.   

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:03 | 4336325 wee-weed up
wee-weed up's picture

 

 

Bread & circuses, bitchez!

But just like your govt health care...

It's gonna cost you alot more than you ever imagined.

Thu, 01/16/2014 - 01:44 | 4336980 Ranger_Will
Ranger_Will's picture

#nikariots

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:04 | 4336334 Matt
Matt's picture

"So how long until every other discount retailer offers comparable packages, and in the process commoditizes the Super Bowl to the point where none of the 1% will want to come within 100 miles of a venue where tickets can be bought by the peasantry"

Yeah, because the masses can drop $16K for packages like this, no problem. Wait, they still offer 200% mortgages, right?

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:04 | 4336335 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

No thanks, I'll watch the game in the comfort of my own home on a $999.99 flatscreen and keep the rest.

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:07 | 4336346 Midas
Midas's picture

It'll be like you are making $15,000 dollars that way.  Just make sure you report that on your taxes under the "other" category. 

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:48 | 4336513 Cursive
Cursive's picture

@Midas

Genius, my man.  Actually, I'm pretty sure the BLS will incorporate this in February's CPI.  Using Doc's numbers, this should deflate entertainment by 94.75%.  And the mouthbreathers on this site have the gall to claim that there is inflation.  Ridiculous!  Hmm, I wonder if this could also be used for intangibles in the GDP calc....

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:39 | 4336475 RideTheWalrus
RideTheWalrus's picture

To get the full experience of being there but watching from home, before the game starts remember to grope your genitals with a dirty rubber glove, throw everything your bringing from the kitchen into a bin while yelling at yourself to MOVE into the lounge room.

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:40 | 4336481 Cursive
Cursive's picture

@Dr. Engali

What?  You no wanna spend $16k to FREEZE YOUR FUCKING ASS OFF?

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:16 | 4336341 HUGE_Gamma
HUGE_Gamma's picture

id rather spend that at the world cup in Brazil

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:58 | 4336554 Midas
Midas's picture

Do you have a place to stay?  My co-worker already has airline tickets to Rio, but his travel agent told him the Hotels are sold out already.  He thinks he is in a jam, but I think he should just buy himself a place in a shanty town and flip it after two weeks for a big gain.  It's a seller's market baby!!!

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:06 | 4336343 Never One Roach
Never One Roach's picture

I'll read one of Heinlein's paperback sci-fi books for 45 cents and have a better time.

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:30 | 4336429 MontgomeryScott
MontgomeryScott's picture

May I suggest 'Stranger In A Strange Land'?

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 23:16 | 4336623 TheMerryPrankster
TheMerryPrankster's picture

Or Asimov's "The Gods Themselves"....

Thu, 01/16/2014 - 05:02 | 4337163 TarzanNe1
TarzanNe1's picture

Better yet "foundation trilogy" last longer and reminds you of the FED's try to manipulate.

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 23:37 | 4336689 W74
W74's picture

Never read it, but Number of the Beast was alright and Starship Troopers damn good.

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:08 | 4336347 stant
stant's picture

really? you couldnt pay me to go and i like football. i like nascar. been once with free tickets. not paying for that either. also freebee  to drive one of tonys old cars at ky speedway.

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:48 | 4336520 HardAssets
HardAssets's picture

I'm not even gonna watch the game this year. I'm sick and tired of the NFL's anti 2nd Amendment push & I sure as hell aren't gonna support those pukes or their sponsors.

Thu, 01/16/2014 - 00:39 | 4336858 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

Most of the players are pro-2nd from what I've seen. Aaron Hernandez out front?

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:10 | 4336360 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

I have sold SB Tickets for 20 years, this is the first year I have ever seen where you can buy then online at ticketmaster or almost any retail website....this tells me this game is going to be a ticket selling disaster. 

 

Current price $2900 for upper level get in tickets. SHORT SUPER BOWL 48 AND GET RICH !!!!#

 

 

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:12 | 4336367 insanelysane
insanelysane's picture

Kevin's going but he is sitting in the FED's luxury box with Ben and Jellen.

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:27 | 4336372 frankTHE COIN
frankTHE COIN's picture

In warm weather SuperBowl Week is Great. There are a lot of people that go there for a few days for the parties and don't even go inside the Football Game. If you can get inside the Commissioners Party, CAA or Athletes First party you'll have a Spectacular Time.

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 23:00 | 4336558 MontgomeryScott
MontgomeryScott's picture

You seem to be using the wrong tense.

......was. .were.....went.........didn't..... ../got........you had...

In the 1960's, gasoline WAS $.26 a gallon. Football WAS a popular pasttime. John Wayne WAS the man, and color television WAS a brand-new technology. Women WERE married, and they USED TO stay at home and raise the children, while men USED TO be good providers and USED TO love their families. The meaning of a 'HEDGE FUND' was the money put away by the husband and wife to plant HEDGES around the houses that they USED TO OWN with a 10-year note.

It WAS a spectacular time, as well.

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played...

 

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:14 | 4336375 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

Fuck the National Felons League and their over priced product.

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:22 | 4336400 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

I said these Big Box discount retailers were going to have to start targeting hedge fund managers and I wasn't kidding.

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:32 | 4336410 Smegley Wanxalot
Smegley Wanxalot's picture

If the Superbowl were maybe held in an interesting city and not one full of fucking assholes and leeches then maybe it would be interesting to go, but fuck NYC and everything in it and I hope it gets nuked ... well, I wouldn't give a shit if it got nuked, anyway.

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:26 | 4336417 Osmium
Osmium's picture

So that's why I've never received Super Bowl tickets.  I've only been in 8 porn movies.

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:27 | 4336418 Cabreado
Cabreado's picture

Will there be chariots?

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 23:20 | 4336636 TheMerryPrankster
TheMerryPrankster's picture

Chris christie naked on horseback, juggling 3 babie's skulls and a chainsaw, while texting the commissioner of bridges with his penis.

Its halftime baby, the suckers live for it...

Thu, 01/16/2014 - 00:49 | 4336887 Tijuana Donkey Show
Tijuana Donkey Show's picture

Like a horse could carry Christ Christie. Maybe pull, if it's the INBev Clydesdale.

Wed, 01/15/2014 - 22:30 | 4336428 GumbyMe
GumbyMe's picture

Sign of desperation.

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