"If You Like Your Phone Records, You Can Keep Your Phone Records": Obama To Announce NSA Overhaul At 11:00 AM

Tyler Durden's picture

Remember when Obama said he would have engaged in a dramatic overhaul of the NSA with or without Edwards Snowden? Funny as that statement may have been at the time (and recall that Comedians have psychotic personality traits, study finds), we will never know just what Obama would have done if... but we do know that at 11 am this morning, Obama will say he is ordering a transition that will significantly change the handling of what is known as the telephone "metadata" program from the way the NSA currently handles it. In other words, if you like your phone records, you can keep your phone records. It goes without saying that the number of people who believe anything the president says at this point is the same number or less than the dozen or so Chinese enthusiasts who waited in "line" to get a new China Mobile phone.

From Reuters:

Obama is balancing public anger at the disclosure of intrusion into Americans' privacy with his commitment to retain policies he considers critical to protecting the United States.


Obama's move is aimed at restoring Americans' confidence in U.S. intelligence practices and caps months of reviews by the White House in the wake of damaging disclosures about U.S. surveillance tactics from former U.S. spy agency contractor Edward Snowden.


In a nod to privacy advocates, Obama will say he has decided that the government should not hold the bulk telephone metadata, a decision that could frustrate some intelligence officials. In addition, he will order that effectively immediately, "we will take steps to modify the program so that a judicial finding is required before we query the database," said the senior official, who revealed details of the speech on condition of anonymity.

So... the NSA will promptly dismantle its Stazi-inspired "Stellar Wind" facility with all the big hard disks in Bluffdale, Utah, right? Right? That's what we thought.

The fun continues:

Obama has asked Attorney General Eric Holder and the intelligence community to report back to him before the program comes up for reauthorization on March 28 on how to preserve the necessary capabilities of the program, without the government holding the metadata.


"At the same time, he will consult with the relevant committees in Congress to seek their views," the official said.


While a presidential advisory panel had recommended that the bulk data be controlled by a third party such as the telephone companies, Obama will not offer a specific proposal for who should store the data in the future.

Well if nobody else wants it, we are sure a consortium of Goldman and JPMorgan would be delighted to "host" this data... Finally, even more lies:

People familiar with the administration's deliberations say Obama also is expected to agree to other reforms, such as greatly scaling back spying on foreign leaders and putting a public advocate on the secretive Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court.

We LOLed too. Tune in at 11:00 am, or just around the time today's $3 billion POMO ends, for much more live, televized humor.

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
Let The Wurlitzer Play's picture

Bullshit!!  Were is the "Trust but Verify" component?


TeamDepends's picture

Nobody is buying what you're sellin', Barry!

knukles's picture

If I like your private phone records, I will keep your private phone records
And I may even quarter troops in your house for your own protection
Loyal troops, paid for by the King

resurger's picture

As long as i can keep my Obama phone i shall


eclectic syncretist's picture

This bunch of crap lost any credibility it had left when it got to the part that said, 'Obama has asked attorney general Eric Holder.......'

doomandbloom's picture

I think he will FIRST define what "metadata" is!

and that definition  will mean that NSA are actually doing nothing wrong.

Headbanger's picture

The Congress  needs to define what "impeachment" is and then do it to that scum ball liar low life moron!

pods's picture

Well hell, I believe him.  (that is sarcasm for the new folks)

But how exactly are we to assertain that they are in fact going to do this?

Oh, trust them?



TeamDepends's picture

You didn't build trust.

SamAdams's picture

As a staunch republican, er, I mean democrat... I can assure you, this fixes everything! 

Boris Alatovkrap's picture

Real Translation...

"If you are like your phone call record, we will keep record your phone call"

HoofHearted's picture

"You didn't build that SS overseeing the NSA. Your government did. And you didn't appoint Eric Holder to oversee all this stuff. I did. Now, do you want to fuck with me, or should we have this nice guy with the AR talk with you about loving Big Brother?"

g speed's picture

at pods

I believe HIM ----metadata will now be stored in private corp of croney and not at gov't facility---good guys will need judges(for what thats worth) but cronies will have unlimited access with the correct amount of cumshaw---just sayng

TheReplacement's picture

Why?  The President and Congress are just puppets.  YOU need to go to the source.  Find the source and bring it to me.

stant's picture

just becuse hes paranoid dosent mean hes not out to getya

satoshi101's picture

"I like your phone records, and I like all your electronic data, but the NSA can't be trusted, that's why I have named a new double-secret organization that you will never hear of"


No doubt nothign will change, the NSA/CIA probably asked for this DIS-INFO to create the illusion of change, bull fucking shit, OBAMA is a lame-dick bitch, and he's fucked, and the PTB gave him a fucking script to read.


But for real, you know that a 'new contractor' has been found to ADMIN YOUR DATA, ... and of course NOBODY can tell you who they are until the next SNOWDEN flushes the toilet bowl.


NoDebt's picture

Yeah, he's going to personally make sure it's all verified by dismantling the puppet FISA court and moving authorizations into the hands of the White House.  

Because Obama.

SoilMyselfRotten's picture

If you like your privacy, you can keep....errr, ne'er mind

old naughty's picture

Timothy to Barry: "we need help, I sold less than a dozen iphones here in our new BJ store. Could you un-fog(I mean, un-spy) it somehow, Mr. President?"

SamAdams's picture

No one buys phones in a BJ store....

forwardho's picture

Can't imagine why?

Who would not want a device that collects and broadcasts your every thought direct to the state?

Oh, and sends your exact location 24hrs a day.

What a product!


old naughty's picture

12 out of 1.3 b, that's how many who (i mean Hu)...Well, tomorrow is another day (for Tim Cook).

guess the 60% voluntary premium on "red rice" (Small Rice brand) is no deterrent, hu-mmmmmmm-would have thought?


hedgeless_horseman's picture



"we need help, I sold less than a dozen iphones here in our new BJ
Could you un-fog(I mean, un-spy) it somehow, Mr. President?"

Score!  Direct Hit!

I laughed...

then I screamed...

then I cried.

Fascism.  We are soaking in it: Top Candidate Recipient from Apple Computer, 2012, Barack Obama (D)    $308,081

Bribery is an act of giving money or gift giving that alters the behavior of the recipient. Bribery constitutes a crime and is defined by Black's Law Dictionary as the offering, giving, receiving, or soliciting of any item of value to influence the actions of an official or other person in charge of a public or legal duty.

Corporate Power is Protected - The industrial and business aristocracy of a fascist nation often are the ones who put the government leaders into power, creating a mutually beneficial business/government relationship and power elite.

"At the same time, he will consult with the relevant committees in Congress to seek their views," the official said.

Members of Congress that own Apple Inc shares: 38


God bless the Chinese that didn't buy iCrap because they don't want to be spied on.  I only wish Americans were as smart.  Hit the fascists in the pocketbook.


SamAdams's picture

The president can suck a dick!....  oh?  You don't say?  Well then....  The president can lick a vagina!

Blame Crash's picture

Yes, they have Barry by the short hairs just like everybody else and he'll say what their teleprompter tells him to say. They know everything about him starting from his inception.

youngman's picture

Yeah right...trust this guy....Obama....never

the not so mighty maximiza's picture

Supreme leader has a credability problem though

Skin666's picture

Snarky Tyler is back!

aleph0's picture

This  reminds me of TV Soap-Opera .. not that I've ever watched one I admit.

asscannon101's picture

And behold the birth of the next great government boondoggle... Obamaphonecare.

dick cheneys ghost's picture

Everybody in Wash DC should be waterboarded. Period

Oldwood's picture

To do what? Prove they are a bunch of lying thieves? I vote for a penal colony on Mars. Yes, I know there is no oxygen there but they could hold their breath.

dick cheneys ghost's picture

as soon as we get all the SECRETS and the TRUTH....send them to mars....

Im tired of the secrets....

fedupwhiteguy's picture

come on!! no need to spend so much cash dudes!! firing squad using only one live round. gives mental deniablity to all and the blanks and live round cost less than 5 FRN's!@!!!~

Oldwood's picture

The power of language. He will simply redefine what freedom and ownership actually mean in our brave new world. Shhhhish. The minister of truth speaks....

Paper CRUSHer's picture

Effortless ,endless native jive...............i agree let the man talk.

youngman's picture

I think I have been metadataed

Dr. Engali's picture

What a bunch of crap. This goon has lied through his teeth many times over. Anybody who believes the NSA is really going to give up one iota of power they have is fooling themselves.

Of course the media will ease people's fears and the libtard true believers will buy it.

Oldwood's picture

That's his job. "We the People" consistently hire only the best liars as it is the only way to maintain our delusions. Let us not fool ourselves into thinking that people want the truth. My wife stills says I'm the handsome'est of them all. She could run for office.

Confused's picture

As always, who watches the watchers? 


There is no putting the genie back in the bottle. Surveilliance will continue. You are spot on. 

satoshi101's picture

The NSA/CIA aka US-MIL has hired a new civilian contractor that can be trusted, or perhaps even better all the spying has been 100% returned to MIL control :)

We'll never know the truth because this isn't a DEMOCRACY.

Most likely because everyone is a cheap whore for sale on a kmart blue-light special hour, that the lowest bidder in a secret closed bid got the new contract to ADMIN the data for the NSA.

I think a lot of people would prefer it would 100% return to MIL, but you know how NEO-CONS love privatization :)


Proofreder's picture

Use of libtard relagates your pitiful post to the same bitbucket as mentions of nazi / hitler.  

Rational belief ceases.

Classic Fail, Dickhead.

Dr. Engali's picture

Awwww did I offend a poor true believer? I'm sorry that your life is so pitiful that you feel the need to continually defend this guy. I'm just kidding, I'm not really sorry.  38% of the people in this country still blindly support this asshole, and guess who they are....I'll give you a hint..they haunt the comment sections of the Huffpo. If you don't believe me go read them yourselves. 

Race Car Driver's picture

We know the problems ... they're posted and discussed here and on hundreds of other web sites all day long.

But no one is talking about solutions. No one wants to address real change. No one ... because it's disruptive. No one, because it's painful. No one wants to discuss solutions because it requires effort and action - or inaction where there is action. No one wants change the status quo because they might miss out on some crumbs. Or some more minor pain instead of real pain.

We - the purported People - still have a great deal of power. But it sleeps with the zombies. Everyone waits for someone else to do something - and until then, well, we'll just keep on keepin' on.

Well, dear reader - it starts with you. And all YOU have to do is nothing. Stop buying their oil produced plastic shit. Stop toting this ridiculous technology around town with it in your pockets. Stop telling these cocksuckers your every move, every thought, every like and dislike. Stop feeding this fucking beast.

But, it has to start with you. You have to be a leader by example. You have to get other to see that you are awake before they'll listen to you. You have to let go of the crumbs and rotted food and get your hand out of the jar.

Sure. We prep. We prepare for all sorts of calamities and emergencies. We store food, we store weapons and ammo ... we wait for the crash. We wait for the change to come to us before we move. Well, it has to stop. You have to DO something (or nothing, for real nothing) ... but you have to change your thinking and your actions. And it has to start with YOU. Today. Now. Stop feeding this beast. The buck stops with YOU. YOU are an army of one. YOU are the leader. Do it now and initiate real change in your sphere of influence. Or, just fuck everyone else and make some change in your life in regard to this fucked up culture.

But continuing to talk about these problems we've all known about for decades just goes nowhere, like one big snarky circle-jerk.

Kina's picture

NO change...just more people get a copy of the data.


Nobody believes Obama, Govt, Congress and know they are just cock suckers of the 1%

buzzsaw99's picture

I don't believe you! I don't believe you! :lalalalala: [/fingers in ears]

holdbuysell's picture

The title of this article says it all: whatever's said will be a lie.

world_debt_slave's picture

I like the way Drudge worded the headline, "PUNT: President to call for outsourcing NSA phone data..."

I can see India or China getting their hands on this.


edit: or the Unions

resurger's picture

why all this Jelly Tyler, you hate Merica for its freedoms.