Maduro Reassures Venezuelans: "I'm A Socialist And I Know What I Am Doing"

Tyler Durden's picture


Venezuela's (freely elected) President Nicolas Maduro (amid toilet-paper and food shortages nation-wide) pointed out this in a State of the Nation address - which Bloomberg's Peter Jeffrey notes was unnecessary as everyone who lives in Venezuela knows the State of the Nation and it is Excruciating - "I'm a socialist, and I know what I'm doing." As Jeffrey ascorbically notes in this wonderful Op-ed, the Venezuelan treasury is now free to issue notes bearing the motto E Non Sequitur Gloria, or "Out of that which makes no sense shall we stitch the fabric of our glorious destiny."


Via Peter Jeffrey of Bloomberg Extra,

"I'm A Socialist, And I Know What I'm Doing"

No, not me. I’m a monarchist and I need directions to Versailles. I’m talking about Nicolas Maduro, the president of Venezuela. He’s the socialist who knows what he’s doing.

He pointed it out this week in a State of the Nation address he needn’t have given since everyone who lives in Venezuela already knows the State of the Nation and it is Excruciating.

News to Me

Still, it seemed to me a commanding reassurance: “I’m a socialist and I know what I’m doing.” The Venezuelan treasury is now free to issue notes bearing the motto E Non Sequitur Gloria, or “Out of that which makes no sense shall we stitch the fabric of our glorious destiny.” (It’s OK. I’m a Latinist and I know what I’m doing.)

It works with doctors. They do embarrassing things to embarrassing parts of you inflamed by embarrassing conditions and, if you look uncomfortable, may say with a smile, “It’s all right. I’m a doctor.”

Thus did President Maduro, with his own avuncular bedside manner, let his comrades know that he had seen many such ugly inflammations, having created them himself, and that there was no need for embarrassment or concern.

I am reminded also of the amorous warning Booth Jonathan gives Marnie on the High Line in the first season of “Girls,” about what he intends to do to her in bed, noting that it might scare her, “because I’m a man and I know how to do things.”

So, what is Maduro doing, other than that?

To be fair, he is just trying to whip inflation. To that end, he has removed the finance minister from his post after the guy presided over a doubling of consumer prices to 56 percent during his nine-month tenure, which has to be a record. Ted Williams, on his hottest streak, raised inflation by only 48 percent.

Who is the new finance minister? An army brigadier general.

What unsuccessful effort at battling inflation did the government try two months ago? Troops.

Look, it seemed to make sense at the time. It’s a syllogism:

We want to fight inflation

Troops fight

(Wait for it)

Troops can fight inflation

Quod erat demonstrandum. (That’s on the other side of the nation’s 12 million-bolivar note.)

And the guy who failed to whip inflation as finance minister — what is his fate?

A. He has resigned in disgrace from public affairs.

B. He has fled the country in the dead of night, stopping only at Arby’s for an Ultimate Angus (19 million bolivars but that’s with fries).

C. He has dug a hidey hole, only deeper than Saddam’s.

D. He goes back to running the nation’s central bank.


For Maduro is a socialist, and he knows what he’s doing. That’s why he decreed on Wednesday that company profits can no longer exceed 30 percent. A comfortable operating environment for J.C. Penney, yes, but a solution?

Don’t be so skeptical. Things are under control. As the vice president (whose motto is I am an oboist and I know when I’m squeaking) explained on Thursday, “Our fundamental anchor is the dollar at 6.3 bolivars,” just as the Titanic’s fundamental anchor was a rubber bath toy named Davey.

It’s a war on inflation, so give war a chance. As Bloomberg’s Anatoly Kurmanaev and Corina Pons reported yesterday, Venezuela’s military men are now in charge of finance, industry, defense, the interior, and air and aquatic transport (hence the anchor). That’s a lot of brains and brawn. Certainly a lot of brawn.

Nobody’s saying Mision Cumplida. There’s a lot of work to be done in Venezuela. Inflation is rampant. Goods are scarce. A 10-story-tall zombie of Hugo Chavez roams the streets squashing cars and giving three-hour speeches. OK, that’s next week.

Life isn’t easy. But Nicolas Maduro is a socialist. And that’s saying something.

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Sat, 01/18/2014 - 20:45 | 4344936 ACP
ACP's picture

This must be the part where that invisible hand knocks his dumb ass off his bike again.

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 20:51 | 4344948 frankTHE COIN
frankTHE COIN's picture

He may be a little Socially Awkward.

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 21:15 | 4344987 max2205
max2205's picture

Toliet paper for everyone! Viva!

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 21:20 | 4344995 akak
akak's picture

Except for AnAnonymous!

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 21:30 | 4345013 knukles
knukles's picture

I do not know a socialist who knows what he is doing.
Except the current crop furthering the Cloward Piven agenda.
If they even are truly trying to do so.

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 21:35 | 4345027 sixsigma cygnus...
sixsigma cygnusatratus's picture

"I'm a socialist, and I know what I'm doing."

Somwhere in the White House, someone is saying "If you want your...Hey! Wait a minute, I was gonna say that!"

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 22:41 | 4345153 Richard Chesler
Richard Chesler's picture

Empty shelves. Zero commerce. Inflation solved.


Sun, 01/19/2014 - 03:30 | 4345480 angel_of_joy
angel_of_joy's picture

Not really. Just moved into the black market...

Sun, 01/19/2014 - 11:56 | 4345850 kaiserhoff
kaiserhoff's picture

I had a GF who liked to say,

  "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing."

It was always cute when she said it;)

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 22:17 | 4345085 philipat
philipat's picture

Isn't the US also running out of toilet paper because of inflation, but in the US so far it's just a case of making the rolls smaller at the same price?

The end result might be similar though.

Sun, 01/19/2014 - 14:06 | 4346145 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

They all know what they are doing--taking orders from the banksters and elites.


"My guillotine prefers pols with a side of crats."

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 22:06 | 4345086 Wile-E-Coyote
Wile-E-Coyote's picture

Who needs toilet paper use your fucking hand.

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 22:15 | 4345105 mofreedom
mofreedom's picture

Your left hand, HAH!!!

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 22:42 | 4345156 stacking12321
stacking12321's picture

greenspan and bernanke were out camping. bernanke had to go relieve himself, but found they didn't bring toilet paper.

greenspan says, just use a dollar. 10 minutes later, bernanke comes back from the woods, his hand covered in shit.

greenpsan says, what happened? i told you to use a dollar.

bernanke replies, i did, but it didn't work, and now i have 4 quarters stuck up my ass!


Sun, 01/19/2014 - 00:47 | 4345332 Dexter Morgan
Dexter Morgan's picture

Awesome!  This is why I read Zerohedge. 

Esto es porque leo Zerohedge.

Sun, 01/19/2014 - 04:55 | 4345521 Offthebeach
Offthebeach's picture

Just use any of the arrest reports, indictments, permits, copies of rules, regulations, codes, edicts, mandates, laws, legalisns that you encounter in day to day existence in the land of the free.

Sun, 01/19/2014 - 01:03 | 4345345 TheReplacement
TheReplacement's picture

That's racsist!

Sun, 01/19/2014 - 13:20 | 4346021 LMAOLORI
LMAOLORI's picture



You can bet everyone in power and their lackey's already have what they need - that's the way it always works in those kinds of regimes.

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 21:19 | 4344994 texas sandman
texas sandman's picture

When you have to TELL people you know what you're don't. 

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 21:02 | 4344969 BraveSirRobin
BraveSirRobin's picture

This is not Obama's mantra. Clearly, because he is a facist who has no clue what he is doing.

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 21:26 | 4345002 LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

Obama knows exactly what he is doing.  What he is told. 

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 21:30 | 4345014 Everybodys All ...
Everybodys All American's picture

Who tells him to act like an asshole?

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 21:31 | 4345017 knukles
knukles's picture

OK, you got me stumped.

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 21:32 | 4345020 LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

That's the one thing he does according to his own bidding.

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 21:47 | 4345050 knukles
knukles's picture

Heh he he he he he
I was wonderin' who was gonna come up with the correct answer!

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 22:16 | 4345107 philipat
philipat's picture

I don't see anything in the always factual US MSM about Obama's "Hollandaise":

Is the beard coming off?

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 22:45 | 4345159 0b1knob
0b1knob's picture

Hey its not like he brought a Hollywood star to the White House to be his live in whore.   Oh wait.

Money quote:

"Google "Kal Penn Obama affair" and you'll get 165,000 results."

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 23:12 | 4345200 philipat
philipat's picture

OK, if I have to spell out my meaning, M = Beard.

Sun, 01/19/2014 - 04:59 | 4345522 Offthebeach
Offthebeach's picture

The Mooch ain't no beard. That NFL beast is a Shetland pony.

Sun, 01/19/2014 - 17:40 | 4346670 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

I'm pretty sure Obama would love to see the Wookie walk.

That way he can come out as the First Gay President as well as being the First Black President.

Sun, 01/19/2014 - 06:25 | 4345560 RSloane
RSloane's picture

... and its the Nuremberg defense for Obama!

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 23:27 | 4345233 Harbanger
Harbanger's picture

"That's the one thing he does according to his own bidding."

Of course he's not responsible for anything he fucks up, he's a US socialist.  At least the Venezuelan socialists have some pride.

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 21:33 | 4345023 texas sandman
texas sandman's picture's her default personality.

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 22:09 | 4345088 Wile-E-Coyote
Wile-E-Coyote's picture

Jesuus I read that as Moochelle taking it up the ass

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 23:40 | 4345253 Bunga Bunga
Bunga Bunga's picture

The telepromter. Must have an NSA backdoor.

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 22:02 | 4345077 Bangin7GramRocks
Bangin7GramRocks's picture

Somebody needs to remove that socialist and return Venezuela to its rightful a piss poor colony of the imperial United States of America. Can't you South Americans just taste the freedom!

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 22:26 | 4345130 mofreedom
mofreedom's picture

You should kill that money on your back.  Get over it and look at the good that's happened and fight the bad that is happening.  Past is long gone, monkey!

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 23:03 | 4345192 samcontrol
samcontrol's picture

it is not the quick showers or the rest of the socialist crap that bother me.
What bothers me is how such a dooch taxi driver can fuck a OBoner.

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 20:52 | 4344949 Aussiekiwi
Aussiekiwi's picture

Excellent, very funny, unless your Venezuelan, particularly liked:

“Our fundamental anchor is the dollar at 6.3 bolivars,” just as the Titanic’s fundamental anchor was a rubber bath toy named Davey.

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 20:52 | 4344951 MeMadMax
MeMadMax's picture


Sat, 01/18/2014 - 20:54 | 4344953 Moe Hamhead
Moe Hamhead's picture

What is it with the Americas and their leaders lately!?

First, the US, and now Venezuela.!

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 21:00 | 4344967 akak
akak's picture

It's all the GMO corn, I'm convinced of it!

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 23:14 | 4345208 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Once they got you hooked on the cheezy poofs, you're a goner.

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 20:56 | 4344959 Karl von Bahnhof
Karl von Bahnhof's picture

Fuck off Tylers. This is not your job.

Swiss franks are coming to your accounts.....easy...

Money money money... Whiiiizzzuip .. Yum yum, money do not smell....

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 21:12 | 4344985 Urban Redneck
Urban Redneck's picture

What is it with homonyms around here...

Franks aren't money. A Franken, franc, franc, or franco, however, is money around here (Switzerland).

Frank n.
A member of one of the Germanic tribes of the Rhine region in the early Christian era, especially one of the Salian Franks who conquered Gaul about a.d. 500 and established an extensive empire that reached its greatest power in the ninth century.

frank n.
a. A mark or signature placed on a piece of mail to indicate the right to send it free of charge.
b. The right to send mail free.
2. A franked piece of mail.

frank n. Informal
A frankfurter

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 21:17 | 4344989 akak
akak's picture

Your vary write --- there a big problem.

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 21:30 | 4345008 LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

verily.  And don't call me Frank.  Name's Shirley.

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 22:09 | 4345090 Wile-E-Coyote
Wile-E-Coyote's picture

Jesus how many times don't call me Shirley

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 23:22 | 4345220 Harbanger
Harbanger's picture

Frank is too formal, I'll call you Barney.

Sat, 01/18/2014 - 20:58 | 4344961 americanspirit
americanspirit's picture

Sitting on that Gold that Chavez took back might make this yahoo look like a genius when it is finally revealed that the US has no gold at all - zip, nada. At that point, and when the Chinese Yuan becomes the world's default gold-backed currency, 6.3 Bolivars to the dollar might look like a bargain.

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