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The Thinking & Drinking Man's Guide To The State Of The Union

Tyler Durden's picture


Over the past couple of hundred years, the State of the Union has been enjoyed by pamphlet, radio, TV, and webcast and each and every year, the citizenry has sat avidly awaiting their 'word' to come up on SOTU Bingo or for the bets they made on the average length to be confirmed. So while the drinking and gambling man has plenty to do; it is perhaps dismal to report that the thinking man will be under-utlized. Sadly, the State of the Union speech has been getting dumber and dumber.


State Of The Union Speech is getting dumbererer...

Since James Madison's 1815 Address, the 'linguistic standard' of the State of the Union speech has plunged. As The Guardian noted last year, the lowest on record was George H.W. Bush's 1992 address - only just beating Obama's 2011 address for 'dumbest' speech ever. Whether this is representative of the American people as a whole or the lowest common denominator is unclear... Dumb and dumber indeed...


Using the Flesch-Kincaid readability test the Guardian has tracked the reading level of every state of the union


and the Top 20 (or Bottom 20 we guess) Lowest average readability test scores for the Presidents...



And while the President will discuss Inequality in depth, it would seem the "poor" have not been commented on much since the 80s...


And "Jobs" and "Hope" remain low...


So - on that note, it's time to drink...

Via @GenOpportunity


and the thinking and drinking man's game...

The general rules of this game are no different from any other drinking game. A drink is either a shot or a good gulp from a beer (or cider). Different events call for different numbers of drinks and all you do is watch the speech and play along. If all goes well, you'll be unconscious by the time they show the other party's response.



and if you want to play along with the kids... SOTU Bingo!


Enjoy... full live webcast to follow...



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Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:36 | 4377787 VD
VD's picture

drooling & moaning out the SOTU coming right up

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:39 | 4377805 The Thunder Child
The Thunder Child's picture

Yes we scam!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:44 | 4377814 knukles
knukles's picture

Play the drinking game with the word "I"

You'll be incapacitated within 3 minutes.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:45 | 4377834 Yes We Can. But...
Yes We Can. But Lets Not.'s picture

CHECK THIS OUT! A clip of tonight's SOTU TV performance has been leaked!:

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:47 | 4377854 BLOTTO
BLOTTO's picture

Or just get baked during the whole damn speech...

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:53 | 4377874 Gankfest
Gankfest's picture

Can we talk about how people get dumber and dumber?

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:57 | 4377895 OC Sure
OC Sure's picture


/blank stare

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:23 | 4378029 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

I have real work to do in the morning.  I'll take a pass on the drinking (ok, 2 shots of Tequila, no more) and definitely take a pass on the speech.  Somehow, I bet I've heard it before anyway.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:50 | 4378182 bunzbunzbunz
bunzbunzbunz's picture

:/ Shit...I have to do pretend work in the morning. But I had a 8.8% beer, a 7.5%, and 2 5.0% beers. So I guess I'm fucked.

Anyway, this article makes me depressed, because it seems to be implying that the speeches are getting dumber, but if you bother to fucking research what the scores actually mean you learn that a lower score actually indicates it takes a more educated person to understand the speech.

Just another bias leaning article here at ZH. I don't know what the bias is supposed to be, but fuck if it isn't there.


Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:58 | 4378206 bunzbunzbunz
bunzbunzbunz's picture

HEY BUNZ!@#!@# WANT SOME FREE BITCOINS!?!@?#!@# Get some free bitcoins at

Yes. I am this much of a douchebag, loser, waste of space. I had to comment on the idiocy of this article, yet I also want to refer people to this website to get some free fake money, so that I can get some free fake money. The more free fake money I have, the better I feel. The better I feel, the better I fuck. The better I fuck, the better I feel. Cyclical continuance until death. And balls.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:58 | 4377903 A. Buttle
A. Buttle's picture

I wanna know when I get to  spit out my drink at those around me.

Maybe when he says "We're in this together" or "In the spirit of fairness"...


Hang on, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Wait, it hasn't started yet?


My bad.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:05 | 4377939 max2205
max2205's picture

Folks...2 shots

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:46 | 4377846 jbvtme
jbvtme's picture

the only sound i'll hear out of this crypto-janitor's teleprompter will be the whine of the floor buffer

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 02:07 | 4378750 A Nanny Moose
A Nanny Moose's picture

There isn't enough alcohol on the planet for this game.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:41 | 4377820 Obese-Redneck
Obese-Redneck's picture

Ted nugget is gonna take a pounding from the Dork dynasty team tonight baby!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:55 | 4377839 takeaction
takeaction's picture

I really wish somebody would scream out "You Kenyan Communist Mother Fuckin Liar".  Oh...hold on....he is raising minimun wage to $10.10 for some...hold on, I may get a raise?
Great commentary live...


Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:37 | 4378121 lickspitler
lickspitler's picture

Alex Jones makes me want to live in Orwells 1984. He is Room 101.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:51 | 4377870 90's Child
90's Child's picture

What's the over/under on him saying he killed Osama?

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:55 | 4377885 OC Sure
OC Sure's picture

Not much. Given all the leaks, that is not in the content. In fact, there are so many leaks is not the speech already over?

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:31 | 4378088 The Vineyard
The Vineyard's picture

Drinking games were fun.  But I no longer imbibe.  I'm too old.  My favorite was the Spartacus drinking game.  You had to take a drink every time a character said, "By Jupiter's cock."

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:35 | 4377789 sixsigma cygnus...
sixsigma cygnusatratus's picture

I heard that if you turn down the sound during the SOTU and play Dark Side of The Moon instead, not only does it sync up amazingly but the President and members of Congress all start to resemble characters from The Wizard of Oz.  The REALLY weird part is how Obama and TOTUS bear a striking resemblance to Dorothy and Toto...go figure!

And Pelosi should probably leave her broom at home and wear a raincoat tonight...

-Speak to Me (aka the NSA anthem)
-Breathe (O discusses things we can look at to increase tax revenues in America)
-On the Run (discussion about Jon Corzine)
-Time (O discusses FEMA re-education camps)
-The Great Gig in the Sky (O discusses the only difference between him and God) (hint: God doesn't believe He's President)

-Money (O says goodbye Bernanke hello Yellen)
-Us and Them (aka the TSA anthem)
-Any Colour You Like (discussion about racism & people who don't support Obama)
-Brain Damage (Obama's hat tip to Joe Biden)
-Eclipse (O discusses things caused by humans that are more taxable than global warming or climate change)

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:52 | 4377868 Being Free
Being Free's picture

It's just a little pin prick,

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:18 | 4377999 Montgomery Burns
Montgomery Burns's picture

You may feel a little sick.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:21 | 4378026 e-man
e-man's picture

Obama = Dorothy?  Ahhh, I see what you did there...!

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 02:54 | 4378817 zhandax
zhandax's picture

Turn down the sound during the SOTU and play Dark Side of The Moon is the only way you will hear anything exceptional.  I can't help but notice that the first mention of 'poor' in a SOTU came around the first issue of greenbacks, and the first mention of 'jobs' came shortly after the creation of the fed.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:43 | 4378155 lead salad
lead salad's picture

Most excellent!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:38 | 4377795 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Ladies and Gentlemen....President Camacho!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:39 | 4377798 stant
stant's picture

state of the former union address

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:53 | 4377872 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

Dear God,



Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:52 | 4377875 OC Sure
OC Sure's picture

I like this. The state of WHAT union? There is the union of the political elite class and their corporate quisling acolytes and then there is the union of, well, everyone else.  

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:56 | 4377893 Overfed
Overfed's picture

State of the Police State Address.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:09 | 4377952 Dinero D. Profit
Dinero D. Profit's picture


A good citizen does not argue.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:38 | 4377801 QQQBall
QQQBall's picture

"We still have work to do..." Throw the TeeVee out the window.


Obomber's presidency ended long ago - the calendar just hasn't caught up.  Every speech is anew drinking game with the same rehashed bullshit and lies. 

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:41 | 4377807 El Oregonian
El Oregonian's picture

Chinese translation = State of the Ruinion = Apropo

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:40 | 4377809 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

Dictator of the Union Address! All is well! All your IRAs are belong to us!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:40 | 4377815 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:42 | 4377818 Goldilocks
Goldilocks's picture

"Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

fat drunk stupid (0:26)

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:42 | 4377821 socalbeach
socalbeach's picture

When listening to Obama or the Repub SOTU, remember this --

Most politicians define the truth as whatever they can get people to believe.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:49 | 4377859 OC Sure
OC Sure's picture

But only the people who don't know how to be identify the truth will believe.

...which is more than enough votes!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:07 | 4377950 max2205
max2205's picture

Looks like a funeral to me

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:42 | 4377825 exsanguine
exsanguine's picture

You forgot one major item for the drinking game.


Everytime oShitHead says "I" -- drink.


Of course you would be out cold in 15minutes but hey, that way you wont have to listen to the rest of it

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:42 | 4377826 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

    If TOTUS says " Evil Republicans or Tea Party", guzzle the whole bottle.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:43 | 4377832 Ms. Erable
Ms. Erable's picture

Drink enough and you can sing along at the top of your lungs (preferably somewhere in DC, close to a microphone):

Blood rains down from an angry sky,

My cock rages on, my cock rages on.

I put you down, I give no shit.

I piss on your grave for the sport of it.

When I die, I expect no less!

My mind is gone, my cock rages on!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:54 | 4377884 zorba THE GREEK
zorba THE GREEK's picture

Ms. Erable.."my cock rages on"? Are you one of them chicks with dicks?

If so, that's cool. If not, I'm confused by your poetry/avatar.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:59 | 4377909 Ms. Erable
Ms. Erable's picture

Screen name is a state of mind, not some social statement; I'm just another grumpy ol' man.

With a raging cock.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:36 | 4378115 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Count yourself lucky, mine is starting to fumble in the red zone...

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:44 | 4377837 OC Sure
OC Sure's picture

"...the State of the Union speech has been getting dumber and dumber."

This is a symptom of the culture in general and not a specific cause. The cause is the public indoctrination system also known as education.  


Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:45 | 4377841 DeFeralCat
DeFeralCat's picture

I am drinking on "minimum wage", "fair", "Russia" and "Bieber".

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:54 | 4377879 QQQBall
QQQBall's picture

Cat - you will be drunk in 15 minutews on Fair and Wage alone. Better call in sick now. 

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:59 | 4377905 zorba THE GREEK
zorba THE GREEK's picture

I'm drinking every time POTUS looks at the teleprompter

I have been drinking all day... who the f$#@ hit the underscore?

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 23:41 | 4378332 EvlTheCat
EvlTheCat's picture

Drinking.................???....!!!! Let's take out  Jove.  So we can assume that that George Washington has a 20.00 if we extrapolate backwards from Woodrow Wilson?

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:48 | 4377850 Baldrick
Baldrick's picture

Happy Birthday Tyler.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:48 | 4377852 GrinandBearit
GrinandBearit's picture

Isn't there a bullet with his name on it somewhere?

There's got to be!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:54 | 4377856 Robinhood
Robinhood's picture

Respect your flat screen!

Lock your guns and ammo.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:48 | 4377857 takeaction
takeaction's picture

As long as I get more Free Shit...I am all in.  I am typing this from my Free Obama phone, sitting in the fully subsidized apartment waiting for my girlfriend (Mother of my 6 children, we can't get married because of loss of benefits) to get back from Costco with $800 in good eats.  MMMMMM Steak again baby.  

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:12 | 4377858 The Heart
The Heart's picture


What's on TV?...droollll...

Distractions distractions distractions!

After that load of borscht, let this be the gentleman's post dinner fireside listening pleasure.:

Self analysis reveals a severe case of who gives a rats arse what the head-puppet usurper says, and after some time of chronic conditioning to this healing, these speeches and pontifications tend to ride on by and not even be noticed or heard.

Now, how about that Benghazi probe heating up? How about the crashing banks? How about all them criminals and corrupted politicians being tried and dutifully punished for the High Crimes committed against the world?

Distractions distractions distractions!!

And, how about that globalist controlled china gearing up to go to war with America from within, and without? Does this war stuff always begin in the temple fighting over the money god?

Meanwhile...fukushima bleeds death daily and the upward trending measurements of the peoples Geiger counter Army are rising...rising...rising!

Asia and North America are both being bombarded by radiation. War will finish the people off, before the radiation from fukushima will, both at a fast pace full steam ahead.

Distractions distractions distractions!!!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:50 | 4377860 djsmps
djsmps's picture

Instead of the usual signer, Beyoncé and Jay Zee will be doing an interpretive dance of his speech. At the penultimate moment, Lorde will sing "You are Royal!"

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:50 | 4377867 countryboy42
countryboy42's picture

Guess I'm not gong to work tomorrow. Good thing he puts me out faster than ......

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:42 | 4378147 Crawdaddy
Crawdaddy's picture


Me: Hey boss man, I can't make it today, sick as a dog.

Boss: "Ok. See you day after tomorrow. Just curious - how sick?"

Me: SOTU last night, accidentally watched 30 seconds, still barfing.

Boss: "Poor bastard. Go ahead and take off two days."

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:53 | 4377871 DeFeralCat
DeFeralCat's picture

For a group of people that get nothing done, this group of Congresspeople seem really chummy with each other. 

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:06 | 4377936 Keyser
Keyser's picture

It's all one big circle jerk. Everyone inside the beltway in DC is on the government tit and are milking it for all it's worth. 

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:55 | 4377891 takeaction
takeaction's picture

Cool link to watch this...


Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:44 | 4378153 Crawdaddy
Crawdaddy's picture

Gracias take!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:58 | 4377898 DeFeralCat
DeFeralCat's picture

For a group of people that get nothing done, this group of Congresspeople seem really chummy with each other. ......   Yes, I was cheating and drinking ahead of the game. Apologies to all. I was drinking on the feeling of disbelief.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:01 | 4377921 QQQBall
QQQBall's picture

All Hail The Wookie

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:03 | 4377925 QQQBall
QQQBall's picture

When to they introduce Jamie?

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:08 | 4377949 DeFeralCat
DeFeralCat's picture

U-S-A. U-S-A. U-S-A.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:13 | 4377980 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Is it over already?

I was really hoping to get shit faced drunk, pull my pants down and show the Turd In Chief my dark side of the moon.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:20 | 4378019 QQQBall
QQQBall's picture

The alex jones feed is actually interesting

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:23 | 4378038 djsmps
djsmps's picture

err.....I think

But I did love the red carpet show, and his praise of mershell.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:28 | 4378070 Surging Chaos
Surging Chaos's picture

I'm glad I'm not listening. My liver will thank me later ;)

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:33 | 4378098 OC Sure
OC Sure's picture

hopefully, much much later than you think.


Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:31 | 4378092 OC Sure
OC Sure's picture


"The next great American discovery."

You mean the Constitution...again!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:36 | 4378101 OC Sure
OC Sure's picture

CLAP CLAP CLAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

The president just said he is setting new standard for our trucks!

Cuz, you know, that is his responsiblity. Says so right there in article I, section VIII: The president (aka w/be despot) tells citizens what to do with their business! Cuz, you know, people can clap!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 23:18 | 4378261 g'kar
g'kar's picture

I was hoping, in a moment of futility, someone would ask "Mr. President, why did you spend millions of dollars sealing all your records?". Someone may have, but the applause at the death of the Republic drowned it out.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 01:16 | 4378625 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Tyler, you had me at "The Thinking & Drinking Man's Guide To..."

Lord knows, the more we drink, the better we think:  "I drink, therefore I am*".  [hick, hick.]

* Rene Descartes' unknown brother.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 02:44 | 4378802 401K of Dooom
401K of Dooom's picture

Did you notice something about that chart on the Flesch-Kincaid reading level of the SOTU?  Ever since 1840 the level has been proceeding down.  This is also when public education became mandatory in our country.  Coincidence?  I think not!

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 02:45 | 4378806 401K of Dooom
401K of Dooom's picture

Oh and by the way, where was the trained seal to clap and honk it's horn for the Obama-man?  NSA can you supply the answer? 

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