The Thinking & Drinking Man's Guide To The State Of The Union

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Over the past couple of hundred years, the State of the Union has been enjoyed by pamphlet, radio, TV, and webcast and each and every year, the citizenry has sat avidly awaiting their 'word' to come up on SOTU Bingo or for the bets they made on the average length to be confirmed. So while the drinking and gambling man has plenty to do; it is perhaps dismal to report that the thinking man will be under-utlized. Sadly, the State of the Union speech has been getting dumber and dumber.

 

State Of The Union Speech is getting dumbererer...

Since James Madison's 1815 Address, the 'linguistic standard' of the State of the Union speech has plunged. As The Guardian noted last year, the lowest on record was George H.W. Bush's 1992 address - only just beating Obama's 2011 address for 'dumbest' speech ever. Whether this is representative of the American people as a whole or the lowest common denominator is unclear... Dumb and dumber indeed...

 

Using the Flesch-Kincaid readability test the Guardian has tracked the reading level of every state of the union

 

and the Top 20 (or Bottom 20 we guess) Lowest average readability test scores for the Presidents...

 

Via SOTU

And while the President will discuss Inequality in depth, it would seem the "poor" have not been commented on much since the 80s...

 

And "Jobs" and "Hope" remain low...

 

So - on that note, it's time to drink...

Via @GenOpportunity

 

and the thinking and drinking man's game...

The general rules of this game are no different from any other drinking game. A drink is either a shot or a good gulp from a beer (or cider). Different events call for different numbers of drinks and all you do is watch the speech and play along. If all goes well, you'll be unconscious by the time they show the other party's response.

via DrinkingGame.us

 

and if you want to play along with the kids... SOTU Bingo!

 

Enjoy... full live webcast to follow...

 

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Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:36 | 4377787 VD
VD's picture

drooling & moaning out the SOTU coming right up

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:39 | 4377805 The Thunder Child
The Thunder Child's picture

Yes we scam!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:44 | 4377814 knukles
knukles's picture

Play the drinking game with the word "I"

You'll be incapacitated within 3 minutes.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:45 | 4377834 Yes We Can. But...
Yes We Can. But Lets Not.'s picture

CHECK THIS OUT! A clip of tonight's SOTU TV performance has been leaked!:

http://youtu.be/Y7hyUucbmj4

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:47 | 4377854 BLOTTO
BLOTTO's picture

Or just get baked during the whole damn speech...

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:53 | 4377874 Gankfest
Gankfest's picture

Can we talk about how people get dumber and dumber?

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:57 | 4377895 OC Sure
OC Sure's picture

huh?

/blank stare

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:23 | 4378029 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

I have real work to do in the morning.  I'll take a pass on the drinking (ok, 2 shots of Tequila, no more) and definitely take a pass on the speech.  Somehow, I bet I've heard it before anyway.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:50 | 4378182 bunzbunzbunz
bunzbunzbunz's picture

:/ Shit...I have to do pretend work in the morning. But I had a 8.8% beer, a 7.5%, and 2 5.0% beers. So I guess I'm fucked.

Anyway, this article makes me depressed, because it seems to be implying that the speeches are getting dumber, but if you bother to fucking research what the scores actually mean you learn that a lower score actually indicates it takes a more educated person to understand the speech.

Just another bias leaning article here at ZH. I don't know what the bias is supposed to be, but fuck if it isn't there.

 

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:58 | 4378206 bunzbunzbunz
bunzbunzbunz's picture

HEY BUNZ!@#!@# WANT SOME FREE BITCOINS!?!@?#!@# Get some free bitcoins at http://freebitco.in/?r=25727.

Yes. I am this much of a douchebag, loser, waste of space. I had to comment on the idiocy of this article, yet I also want to refer people to this website to get some free fake money, so that I can get some free fake money. The more free fake money I have, the better I feel. The better I feel, the better I fuck. The better I fuck, the better I feel. Cyclical continuance until death. And balls.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:58 | 4377903 A. Buttle
A. Buttle's picture

I wanna know when I get to  spit out my drink at those around me.

Maybe when he says "We're in this together" or "In the spirit of fairness"...

 

Hang on, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Wait, it hasn't started yet?

 

My bad.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:05 | 4377939 max2205
max2205's picture

Folks...2 shots

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 23:46 | 4378424 Andre
Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:46 | 4377846 jbvtme
jbvtme's picture

the only sound i'll hear out of this crypto-janitor's teleprompter will be the whine of the floor buffer

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 02:07 | 4378750 A Nanny Moose
A Nanny Moose's picture

There isn't enough alcohol on the planet for this game.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:41 | 4377820 Obese-Redneck
Obese-Redneck's picture

Ted nugget is gonna take a pounding from the Dork dynasty team tonight baby!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:55 | 4377839 takeaction
takeaction's picture

I really wish somebody would scream out "You Kenyan Communist Mother Fuckin Liar".  Oh...hold on....he is raising minimun wage to $10.10 for some...hold on, I may get a raise?
.
Great commentary live...
 http://www.infowars.com/watch-alex-jones-show

 

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:37 | 4378121 lickspitler
lickspitler's picture

Alex Jones makes me want to live in Orwells 1984. He is Room 101.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:51 | 4377870 90's Child
90's Child's picture

What's the over/under on him saying he killed Osama?

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:55 | 4377885 OC Sure
OC Sure's picture

Not much. Given all the leaks, that is not in the content. In fact, there are so many leaks is not the speech already over?

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:31 | 4378088 The Vineyard
The Vineyard's picture

Drinking games were fun.  But I no longer imbibe.  I'm too old.  My favorite was the Spartacus drinking game.  You had to take a drink every time a character said, "By Jupiter's cock."

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:35 | 4377789 sixsigma cygnus...
sixsigma cygnusatratus's picture

I heard that if you turn down the sound during the SOTU and play Dark Side of The Moon instead, not only does it sync up amazingly but the President and members of Congress all start to resemble characters from The Wizard of Oz.  The REALLY weird part is how Obama and TOTUS bear a striking resemblance to Dorothy and Toto...go figure!

And Pelosi should probably leave her broom at home and wear a raincoat tonight...

-Speak to Me (aka the NSA anthem)
 
-Breathe (O discusses things we can look at to increase tax revenues in America)
  
-On the Run (discussion about Jon Corzine)
  
-Time (O discusses FEMA re-education camps)
 
-The Great Gig in the Sky (O discusses the only difference between him and God) (hint: God doesn't believe He's President)

-Money (O says goodbye Bernanke hello Yellen)
 
-Us and Them (aka the TSA anthem)
  
-Any Colour You Like (discussion about racism & people who don't support Obama)
    
-Brain Damage (Obama's hat tip to Joe Biden)
   
-Eclipse (O discusses things caused by humans that are more taxable than global warming or climate change)

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:52 | 4377868 Being Free
Being Free's picture

It's just a little pin prick,

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:18 | 4377999 Montgomery Burns
Montgomery Burns's picture

You may feel a little sick.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:21 | 4378026 e-man
e-man's picture

Obama = Dorothy?  Ahhh, I see what you did there...!

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 02:54 | 4378817 zhandax
zhandax's picture

Turn down the sound during the SOTU and play Dark Side of The Moon is the only way you will hear anything exceptional.  I can't help but notice that the first mention of 'poor' in a SOTU came around the first issue of greenbacks, and the first mention of 'jobs' came shortly after the creation of the fed.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:43 | 4378155 lead salad
lead salad's picture

Most excellent!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:38 | 4377795 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Ladies and Gentlemen....President Camacho!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:39 | 4377798 stant
stant's picture

state of the former union address

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:53 | 4377872 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

Dear God,

there.

 

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:52 | 4377875 OC Sure
OC Sure's picture

I like this. The state of WHAT union? There is the union of the political elite class and their corporate quisling acolytes and then there is the union of, well, everyone else.  

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:56 | 4377893 Overfed
Overfed's picture

State of the Police State Address.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:09 | 4377952 Dinero D. Profit
Dinero D. Profit's picture

 

A good citizen does not argue.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:38 | 4377801 QQQBall
QQQBall's picture

"We still have work to do..." Throw the TeeVee out the window.

 

Obomber's presidency ended long ago - the calendar just hasn't caught up.  Every speech is anew drinking game with the same rehashed bullshit and lies. 

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:41 | 4377807 El Oregonian
El Oregonian's picture

Chinese translation = State of the Ruinion = Apropo

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:40 | 4377809 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

Dictator of the Union Address! All is well! All your IRAs are belong to us!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:40 | 4377815 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:42 | 4377818 Goldilocks
Goldilocks's picture

"Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

fat drunk stupid
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1hnwvWhbJw (0:26)

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:42 | 4377821 socalbeach
socalbeach's picture

When listening to Obama or the Repub SOTU, remember this --

Most politicians define the truth as whatever they can get people to believe.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:49 | 4377859 OC Sure
OC Sure's picture

But only the people who don't know how to be identify the truth will believe.

...which is more than enough votes!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:07 | 4377950 max2205
max2205's picture

Looks like a funeral to me

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:42 | 4377825 exsanguine
exsanguine's picture

You forgot one major item for the drinking game.

 

Everytime oShitHead says "I" -- drink.

 

Of course you would be out cold in 15minutes but hey, that way you wont have to listen to the rest of it

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:42 | 4377826 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

    If TOTUS says " Evil Republicans or Tea Party", guzzle the whole bottle.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:43 | 4377832 Ms. Erable
Ms. Erable's picture

Drink enough and you can sing along at the top of your lungs (preferably somewhere in DC, close to a microphone):

Blood rains down from an angry sky,

My cock rages on, my cock rages on.

I put you down, I give no shit.

I piss on your grave for the sport of it.

When I die, I expect no less!

My mind is gone, my cock rages on!

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:54 | 4377884 zorba THE GREEK
zorba THE GREEK's picture

Ms. Erable.."my cock rages on"? Are you one of them chicks with dicks?

If so, that's cool. If not, I'm confused by your poetry/avatar.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:59 | 4377909 Ms. Erable
Ms. Erable's picture

Screen name is a state of mind, not some social statement; I'm just another grumpy ol' man.

With a raging cock.

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 22:36 | 4378115 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Count yourself lucky, mine is starting to fumble in the red zone...

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:44 | 4377837 OC Sure
OC Sure's picture

"...the State of the Union speech has been getting dumber and dumber."

This is a symptom of the culture in general and not a specific cause. The cause is the public indoctrination system also known as education.  

 

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:45 | 4377841 DeFeralCat
DeFeralCat's picture

I am drinking on "minimum wage", "fair", "Russia" and "Bieber".

Tue, 01/28/2014 - 21:54 | 4377879 QQQBall
QQQBall's picture

Cat - you will be drunk in 15 minutews on Fair and Wage alone. Better call in sick now. 

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