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Gartman Comedy Hour

Tyler Durden's picture


Two days ago, when the market was plunging, this is what Gartman released to the several subscribers he has left:

If long of stocks anywhere, get less long… demonstrably. If one is net long of gold, get longer; if one is long of emerging market currencies, get out… at whatever price one can get. If one is long of commodities or commodity related investments, at very least reduce that exposure materially. This situation in China may pass and it may actually be, as the Chinese have said it is, a problem of “system maintenance” and nothing more; and we certainly hope it shall pass or that it is a mere problem with the “system,” but we fear that this is the first of the cockroaches, and there is never just one cockroach… ever.

Subsequently the market surged, and the lira imploded by 2000 pips in the span of 48 hours.

This morning, in the aftermath of the Turkish "bailout" (rest in peace), and when futures were still soaring, this is what Gartman's expert opinion advise same several subscribers:

... we have to remain bullish of shares generallyand certainly we cannot and we will not adopt a bearish perspective until that trend line clearly has been broken from above.

How about now? Or now? Or now?


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Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:43 | Link to Comment stant
stant's picture

does he still have a yen for gold?

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:44 | Link to Comment TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

Isn't he a character on South Park?

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:46 | Link to Comment Dealer
Dealer's picture

This man is a fucking idiot.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:49 | Link to Comment Arius
Arius's picture

Anybody and i mean EVERYBODY can be found to have made a mistake in retrospective.  However, it takes guts to make calls and to his credit Gartman is on the frontlines everyday, not like some internet warriors over here...

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:56 | Link to Comment MillionDollarBonus_
MillionDollarBonus_'s picture

This is trading 101 people - the trend is your friend. Don't ever trade against the trend unless you want to get smoked. Gartman and the sell side analysts are experts who have been playing this game at a professional level longer than any of you losers have been trading single shares with your unemployment benefits. Dismiss his advice at your own expense.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:59 | Link to Comment Headbanger
Headbanger's picture

Yeah right.  Now go fuck yourself!  Again!

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:05 | Link to Comment synergize
synergize's picture

How much do his subscribers pay him to tell them the sky is blue the market is going in the direction that it is currently going? 

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:49 | Link to Comment gmrpeabody
gmrpeabody's picture

Sounds like he's using my trading strategy....


Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:49 | Link to Comment nantucket
nantucket's picture

yeah, he tells you what has happened, not what's going to happen.  he should just come out with a fund called "Hindsight 20/20 Fund".  it's rebalanced everyday after you see what stocks were up the most for that day.  guaranteed to crush any other investment.  problem is, you can't actually execture the strategy, but the THEORY works great...on paper.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:42 | Link to Comment gdiamond22
gdiamond22's picture

You are missing the other half of that Trading 101, MDB. The trend is your friend, UNTIL THE END. It happens swiftly and faster than you can react, which is what we are seeing now. There is also analysis that must take into account other 'trends' around the world with regards to stock prices, most notably EM countries. The divergence of many indices, globally, usually has implications for what is about to come. It has happened many times throughout history. History also suggests that the stock market, most notably the US STOCK MARKET, is always last to realize what is happening. Beyond your Trading 101 reference you should study the inter/intra-market relationships both domestically and globally. You might learn something you fucking serf.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:57 | Link to Comment Occident Mortal
Occident Mortal's picture

Trading 101 is thus:


There are two types of market, ranging and trending.


1). In a trending market

a). trade with the trend using wide trailing stops.

b). trade against the trend using tight fixed stops.


2). In a ranging market

a). be a contrarian, trade reversal patterns (oversold overbought) when at the edge of the range

b). stay out of no mans land.


It should be noted that 90% of the time a trending market will end with a ranging market.



Oh and never ever risk more than 10% of your account.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 13:57 | Link to Comment Rock the Casbah
Rock the Casbah's picture

It's posts like this that make me think MDB is a sock puppet. 

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:57 | Link to Comment Ponzi Pontiff
Ponzi Pontiff's picture

Those who know, don't say.  Those who say, don't know.  He's a pumper and dumper, talking his book.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:05 | Link to Comment SilverDOG
SilverDOG's picture




I think you just did.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:37 | Link to Comment jcaz
jcaz's picture

The dude has been wrong on LITERALLY every call he's made the past three months- I know this for a fact, because I've traded against EVERY ONE of his proclamations-  he's a living miracle, because even JPM doesn't get 100% on their trade blotter;

But it's nice that you can defend your son,  Mrs Gartman......

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:51 | Link to Comment Pool Shark
Pool Shark's picture



"Remain calm; all is well."


Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:50 | Link to Comment Cursive
Cursive's picture


Or, in other parlance, an investment newsletter publisher.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:00 | Link to Comment linniepar
linniepar's picture

Long cheezypoofs.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:30 | Link to Comment The.Harmless.Who
The.Harmless.Who's picture


Hmm Gartman.....


I recently tried to subscribe to his newsletter. 


My request was declined:


We have reviewed your request and unfortunately there has been a problem in authenticating and/or approving the request.  Our records indicate that you may be ineligible for a trial subscription because you may be covered under a current subscription or you may be ineligible because of previous participation in a trial, registration of multiple email addresses, or an issue authenticating the submitted information.


To this day, I have no idea what the hell they are talking about!!!


But,  I guess, this is the definition of "dodging a bullet", and I've never been happier or wealthier since to be honest; so in a way, I'm glad to know about the existence of Dennis Gartman, just as I am glad to be aware of the dangers of the Zionist Fed.


(Greenspan, Bernanke, Yellen, and Fischer - are Zionists, QED).


"A wise man gets more from his enemies than a fool from his friends."



Wed, 01/29/2014 - 13:12 | Link to Comment smlbizman
smlbizman's picture

you have been here for 23 weeks, and you recently tried to subscribe...i hope it was at least 24 weeks ago...

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 16:31 | Link to Comment The.Harmless.Who
The.Harmless.Who's picture


LOL! You've made me chuckle Small Business Man! 


Indeed it was a while back. Pre-dating any exposure to Zero Hedge by many a year. 



Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:01 | Link to Comment Levadiakos
Levadiakos's picture

A weathervane is never wrong

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:46 | Link to Comment Levadiakos
Levadiakos's picture

He's a paid advertiser.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:47 | Link to Comment duo
duo's picture

Lower Chinese demand won't make up for the millions of chickens killed by the propane shortage (frozen to death), or the hundreds of thousands of piglets dying from that virus, or the CA drought and plains blizzard that will cut the cattle herd by a third.

Everything is fine.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:54 | Link to Comment youngman
youngman's picture

I bet there is a big animal death from these cold will just add to the shortages of beef...and soon Chicken and pork...the drought in California will affect vegetables big time..

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:04 | Link to Comment Citxmech
Citxmech's picture

Think of what this weather is doing to trees as well - especially East coast orchards.  This weather could devistate peach, lemon, and orange trees.    

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:08 | Link to Comment SilverDOG
SilverDOG's picture



Exceptionally so with cattle herd @ 61 yr low.



Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:24 | Link to Comment quasimodo
quasimodo's picture

My job is working directly with livestock vaccine production. The virus you refer to, porcine epedimic diahhrea virus, is a mother fucker. It's very, very contagious. There was a report of a large farrowing operation, 10,000 head, that had a 90% death loss not that long ago. That is one example. If people think only beef is getting spendy...........

The local vets around here make you wear booties from your vehicle to the store if you stop for something and are a hog producer or are near them. Recently 30 convenience store floors were sampled for the precence of the virus. 27 came back positive for contamination. 

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:51 | Link to Comment Arius
Arius's picture

respectfully disagree.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:45 | Link to Comment Millivanilli
Millivanilli's picture

Let me get into "i'ma shill whore" mode.


Stocks are taking  a breather here, however demand is ramping and I see great opportunity  for sector rotation in blah blah.  You don't want to be sitting on the sidelines.   Balls to the walls.


Whore mode off.


And that is how stupid mother fuckers who watch teevee lose it all. By listening to asshats like Gartman.

Now Back to your regular programming.


Breaking- Beiber felony egg throwing investigation "tightnening up."

Justin Bieber egg probe 'tightening up'; prosecutor wants more investigation

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:49 | Link to Comment Spastica Rex
Spastica Rex's picture

Justin Beiber makes me so mad. Now I have to go tweet about it.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:54 | Link to Comment TheBoyPlunger
TheBoyPlunger's picture

Gartman was also touting back in December how WTI crude was headed to $85.  Of course that never happened.


Who the eff is still buying his newsletter?

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:02 | Link to Comment spankthebernank
spankthebernank's picture

How about if one was to go fuck himself?

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:08 | Link to Comment The Vineyard
The Vineyard's picture

We can all laugh.  But let's be honest.  Stocks have been killing it.  I see the DOW hitting 40,000 by next week.  You can bet your ass on it.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:41 | Link to Comment Kaiser Sousa
Kaiser Sousa's picture

Gartman is a fucking clueless propagandist shill...

hows his Fund performing - oh, wiat a minute - what fund????.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:58 | Link to Comment Levadiakos
Levadiakos's picture

Newslettter biz booming thanks to his paid up BSNBC account

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:47 | Link to Comment XAU XAG
XAU XAG's picture












Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:41 | Link to Comment y3maxx
y3maxx's picture

...Long Space Ships.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:44 | Link to Comment Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture

chinese moonrover is down... let's wait for the africans to launch their rockets

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:42 | Link to Comment Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture

because it doesn't make sense I think I'm going to buy a small call on the dow index...

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:49 | Link to Comment Grande Tetons
Grande Tetons's picture

Now that is the craziest thing I have heard.  Fuck it, count me in. 

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:54 | Link to Comment SAT 800
SAT 800's picture

bad idea. buy some more silver instead. there is such a thing as the long term; and patientce is a virtue.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:43 | Link to Comment No Way Out
No Way Out's picture

If you have to forecast, forecast often...

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:43 | Link to Comment OwnSilverPlayMusic
OwnSilverPlayMusic's picture
Gonzo: Did you see what GOD just did to us man!
Duke: God didn't do that, you did!
Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:43 | Link to Comment urbanelf
urbanelf's picture

Stocks will continue going up until they go down.  Profound.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:44 | Link to Comment youngman
youngman's picture

He always seems to comment on what happened yesterday...and says he acted on that ....he never says anything about a future event...

so if gold goes down..he sold his...but if it is going up..he bought last week he says...I guess it sells any snakeoil????

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:48 | Link to Comment Temporalist
Temporalist's picture

You have discovered that Gartman is RobotTrader

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:47 | Link to Comment Son of Captain Nemo
Son of Captain Nemo's picture

Ben... Ben... And his wonderful flying machine!

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:48 | Link to Comment praps
praps's picture

As long as analysts are forecasting that earnings will rise 8% into 2015 then equities will always back back from any set back.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:48 | Link to Comment Silver Garbage Man
Silver Garbage Man's picture

Dig a hole and put Gartman and 1 ounce of gold in it.
5 years from now dig them up.
Which one do you want?

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:55 | Link to Comment jbvtme
jbvtme's picture

only his dentist knows

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 10:48 | Link to Comment TrustWho
TrustWho's picture

Gartman is smart man talking his book. The talking heads fail to protect the retail trader---THEIR AUDIENCE. This demonstrates the evil of business news media--and why their share is dropping.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:00 | Link to Comment Jason T
Jason T's picture

He's an entertainer is all.  

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:00 | Link to Comment Levadiakos
Levadiakos's picture

If Gartman stood on tip toes he couldn't touch the hem of Cramer's jeans

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:07 | Link to Comment buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

he gets how much for each one of these nuggets?

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:11 | Link to Comment Cacete de Ouro
Cacete de Ouro's picture

There is never just one cockroach .... Spot on

.... I can think of at least two...Gartman and Cramer

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:57 | Link to Comment krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

Ironically, when put into the spotlight they don't scurry away, they just talk more and louder...where's the RAID?

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:13 | Link to Comment Roanman
Roanman's picture

Can you say Whipsaw?

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:13 | Link to Comment dragoneyes74
dragoneyes74's picture

Well, I got the gold weakness I wanted the last two day, but that's not what I was expecting, so I lost my breakout mojo.  This could easily be setting up a fake-out.  With silver lagging and still below its downtrend line, the metals have to prove strength to me and clear those trendlines before I get back in on the long side.  I'm sure the Fed reaction will clear this up.    

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:26 | Link to Comment istt
istt's picture

Anyone who is so affected that he says he is "long of X or long of Y" should give you pause.  Yes, he is a showman, pompous one at that.

Obviously, the guy tries to hold himself out as a blue-blooded intellectual.

As Joe Friday was fond of saying, "Just the facts, ma'am."  Something Gartman seems not to be long of.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:26 | Link to Comment NoTTD
NoTTD's picture

Hate to be a contrarian -but this asswipe and his ilk have been right for five long years now.  What if five years from now the same is true and we're holding our $500 gold and $10 silver?   


I'm still a true believer but every doofus with an Index Fund has gotten rich over these years and my gold based retirement plan lost 28% last year alone.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:28 | Link to Comment SharkBit
SharkBit's picture

What a nob!

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:32 | Link to Comment Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

  Everyone also got sucked back into usd/jpy longs. I said it was going lower after a little backfilling on the overbought 4 hour chart, and look where it is this morning.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 11:56 | Link to Comment Debt Slave
Debt Slave's picture

Gartman and Krugman, I always get those two mixed up.  I wonder why that is.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 12:56 | Link to Comment ThisIsBob
ThisIsBob's picture

I'm pukish of Gartman.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 14:52 | Link to Comment akak
akak's picture

I am long of Dennis Girthman in Jon Nadless terms.

Wed, 01/29/2014 - 19:16 | Link to Comment Notarocketscientist
Notarocketscientist's picture

Gartman is a joke - how the fuck this guy still has any cash under management is beyond me.    Maybe he is managing his grannis money --- because in her eyes he can do no wrong.



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