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Who Will Play Steve Cohen In Martin Scorsese's Upcoming Wall Street Tragicomedy?

Tyler Durden's picture


One look at the chart below from the NYT, and a pattern emerges.

However, we are not sure which is the correct pattern:

  1. Either SAC, or whatever it will be called soon, has some truly impressive hiring hurdles and an even more impressive background check company , or
  2. Slowly but surely the investigation around Steve Cohen - just as we first suggested in November 2010 when nobody dared to mention in print that the invincible "information arbitrageur" was merely a two-bit insider trading hack who used "expert networks" and got lucky for so long he had an "economic war chest of scale" and an army of lawyers- is closing.

If 2, our question is who will play Stevie in the inevitable upcoming (Oscar-nominated) Martin Scorsese tragicomedy about the excesses of the 3 and 50 hedge fund bubble.

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Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:02 | 4412391 fooshorter
fooshorter's picture

Its only a tragicomedy if NO bankers die at the end.

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:07 | 4412407 Say What Again
Say What Again's picture

Talk about teflon.  This SAC of $hit is good at covering his ass

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:12 | 4412436 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

That dude on the late night infomercial selling shark vacuum cleaners, Ninja blenders, steam cleaners, etc.

Spittin' image of Stevie boy...

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:17 | 4412461 bania
bania's picture

poor guy, all his business associates turn out to be criminals. talk about bad luck.

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:28 | 4412517 Headbanger
Headbanger's picture

Just cast Mike Myers as Doctor Evil wearing a Wall Street suit and glasses with a Mini Me Steve Cohen !

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:49 | 4412611 Xibalba
Xibalba's picture

I believe he and Leo have a contract

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 15:25 | 4412739 LMAOLORI
LMAOLORI's picture



How about George Clooney he's out pitching FedRa's he's a Dr. Evil in his own way.

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 20:41 | 4413939 philipat
philipat's picture

Danny DeVito.

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:07 | 4412415 Divided States ...
Divided States of America's picture

A jewish actor would fill in his shoes admirably....he would'nt even need to read the script because everything is already programmed into his brain.

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:14 | 4412452 Frank N. Beans
Frank N. Beans's picture

i think something is programmed into YOUR brain.

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:27 | 4412514 Canadian Dirtlump
Canadian Dirtlump's picture

I was going to recommend Jonah Feldstein aka Jonah Hill.

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 15:00 | 4412672 Levadiakos
Levadiakos's picture

Jim Cramer

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:04 | 4412392 Johnny Cocknballs
Johnny Cocknballs's picture

Some goy, probably.

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:34 | 4412479 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture


Morgan Freeman, Tom Hanks, Al Pacino, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Danny DeVito or Butters from South Park

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:08 | 4412411 alphamentalist
alphamentalist's picture

a bald charlie sheen jumps to mind

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:22 | 4412478 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture



Billy Zane?

    Dennis Hopper?

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:57 | 4412657 Levadiakos
Levadiakos's picture


Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:07 | 4412412 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

Richard Dreyfuss.

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:13 | 4412449 Grande Tetons
Grande Tetons's picture

Seth Rogan. 

He has the double chin and the lack of talent to pull it off. 

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:22 | 4412482 HyBrasilian
HyBrasilian's picture

Sorry ~ Both of those 2 already have 'pre-committments' for season 1 of "Oy Vey My Balls!"

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:25 | 4412504 Headbanger
Headbanger's picture

LMFAO!  Thanks!

Now where's my scotch??

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:11 | 4412433 Gringo Viejo
Gringo Viejo's picture

Tom Sizemore or Elizabeth Hurley. You make the call.

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:21 | 4412472 Grande Tetons
Grande Tetons's picture

Bette Midler! 

Fuck...that is her comeback role...how could I have fucked up on my previous pick. 

Shave her head...have her sing a couple of tunes. Box office gold! 

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:11 | 4412438 kralizec
kralizec's picture

Since Hoffman OD'd the obvious choice is gone...

..pick anybody, it doesn't matter...

...crony markets...crony entertainment...

...what difference does it make?

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:11 | 4412441 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Who cares?

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:12 | 4412444 Tinky
Tinky's picture

Philip Seymour Hoffman

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:21 | 4412483 Johnny Cocknballs
Johnny Cocknballs's picture

Too soon!

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:27 | 4412502 NiftyRichie
NiftyRichie's picture

He really would have been perfect for that role :'(

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 21:10 | 4414008 Midas
Midas's picture

That is marvelous.



Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:14 | 4412448 syntaxterror
syntaxterror's picture

A gay porn star is the natural choice to play this cock smoker.

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:16 | 4412454 Glass Seagull
Glass Seagull's picture




They're afraid to take down SC himself, bc he has dirt on all the other big boys in the HF industry.





Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:23 | 4412465 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture



Is Christopher Walken too old?  How about Kathy Bates with a clean-shaven dome?

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:28 | 4412476 Mercury
Mercury's picture

Danny DeVito


Drew Carey


Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:21 | 4412487 Squiddly Diddly
Squiddly Diddly's picture

Pee Wee Herman

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:21 | 4412489 NOTaREALmerican
NOTaREALmerican's picture

Show of hands at those of us who cheered what's his name's "greed is good" speech?

Yeah, yeah, yeah...    All the OldFarts have "morals" (or is it regret) now, but when they were just normal human young asshole males everybody knew "greed was good".  

Boy, how times changes (with age).

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:32 | 4412531 vincent
vincent's picture

Starring Hank Paulsen.

Art imitating life.

We already know the Boy can act

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:36 | 4412540 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

And that he's a sociopathic, narcissistic, kleptomanic sick fuck.

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:48 | 4412600 Divided States ...
Divided States of America's picture

Yup good ole hanky panky sure plays the part the character perfectly, in terms of looks and personality and behaviour.

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 14:41 | 4412567 Gringo Viejo
Gringo Viejo's picture

Just read on Drudge that McGruff The Crime Dog has been sentenced to 16 years in Houston for Pot and Weapons charges. Say it ain't so Joe!

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 15:01 | 4412673 Agent P
Agent P's picture

I hear Jon Corzine is available. 

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 15:07 | 4412702 Iam Yue2
Iam Yue2's picture

Dara Ó Briain;


Fri, 02/07/2014 - 15:11 | 4412714 Common_Cents22
Common_Cents22's picture

hoffman, oh he OD'd


gandofini!  ooops, gone.


i know.    freakin GEORGE COSTANZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 15:28 | 4412786 Common_Cents22
Common_Cents22's picture

i always thought homer simpson had a good likeness

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 15:10 | 4412716 monad
monad's picture

I'd rather watch Paulson & friends being executed by an angry mob. And from what I've wasted time on so far, Scorcese is a no talent insider suck up.

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 15:20 | 4412748 Johnny Cocknballs
Johnny Cocknballs's picture

You know, I think this guy could handle the role:


He just needs to lose 5 or 10 pounds.  Anyone know who his agent is?


Fri, 02/07/2014 - 17:24 | 4413134 robnume
robnume's picture

My vote goes to: Eric Cartman from South Park. Now, he knows how to play pure EVIL!

Fri, 02/07/2014 - 17:21 | 4413140 boooyaaaah
boooyaaaah's picture

The Finacial press is giving SAC a real break

On the day that Elan presented the phase 2 results, the prce was 34 $/sh.

The presentation was made after hrs 5 pm on a Friday

During the presentation , more than the entire oustanding shares of Elan were traded -- 500 mil plus

The questions at the CC presenting the results were loaded and negative.

Q:Why did this person die?

A:Alzhiemer patients are old an often feeble -- they die naturally during a 2 yeartrail.

But, No answer was good enough. The stock plumeted after hours

It had to be naked shorting --- and that is the evil secret behind inside information

Most people read this and say "What is so bad about getting early information?"

Wouldnt you buy and sell on information? But not the manipulative hedge funds, They buy and sell not stocks but naked short -- which means they sell what they do not own or do not borrow.

It's temporary but the damage is done and the carnage spreads

And it is highly leveraged.

And the rules are set by prime brokers -- yes the big banks -- GS, JPM with the blessing of the SEC for purposes of liquidity. (And to make them a bundle)

Ps The drug was taken through phase 3 by J&J and Phizer so the phase 2 results were not that bad. 





Fri, 02/07/2014 - 19:27 | 4413681 kurt
kurt's picture

I hear Ron Jeremy is available.

Sat, 02/08/2014 - 10:34 | 4414816 rickv404
rickv404's picture

Didn't this trash-maker Scorsese just make a Wall Street tragicomedy? Was it all that successful? Seems like it came and went in no time.

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