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The NY Fed Is Hiring: A Gold Vault Custody Analyst, Must Be "Able To Physically Lift Valuables"
This is about as funny as it gets, and certainly no commentary needed.
From a job posting in efinancialcareers.co.uk
Area Overview
The Financial Services Group (FSG) operates and oversees payments system processing for the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. The FSG provides depository institutions with various payment services, including electronically transferring funds and distributing and receiving currency and coin and other valuables, as part of its central banking mission to ensure an efficient, effective and accessible payments system. Its goal is to be the most trusted and respected provider of financial services in the world.
An important and unique service provided by the New York Fed is safekeeping Gold. Various foreign governments, central banks, and international organizations entrust the FRBNY with safeguarding and storing their monetary gold reserves. The Gold Vault is currently the world’s largest accumulation of gold, is visited by over 25,000 members of the public each year, and is part of the Cash and Custody Function.
The Gold Vault is currently looking to fill the position of Gold Vault Custody Analyst. A Gold Vault Custody Analyst is charged with performing all of the critical responsibilities associated with safekeeping, accounting for, and displaying all gold entrusted to the FRBNY.
Job Responsibilities
- Open & close the Gold Vault on a daily basis
- Account for all gold holdings using the Gold Vault System
- Coordinate and facilitate periodic audits of gold holdings for various agencies and central banks
- Administer the Public Window to receive/pay and account for limited currency and coin transactions
- Maintain and update Gold Vault access rosters
- Conduct periodic sales of new-issue coins and currency types
- Coordinate all arrangements for gold movements and shipments as directed by Central Bank Services
- Manage and coordinate allocation of compartments for storage of valuables for various Bank functions
- Ensure the Gold Vault stays well-maintained and fully operational
- Provide detailed tours of the Gold Vault for foreign dignitaries, VIPs, and Bank Officers and their guests; Coordinate and facilitate public tours given by economic education
Qualifications:
- Undergraduate degree or equivalent work experience
- Strong interpersonal skills and ability to work well as a member of a team
- Able to present and communicate effectively with multiple groups and organizations with the appropriate decorum
- Strong coordination skills
- Exceptional customer service skills and ability to interact well with a diverse customer/ stakeholder base
- Strong analytical thinking and problem solving skills
- Strong PC skills to include MS Word, MS Excel, MS Visio, etc.
- Strong ability to complete daily tasks and assignments with minimal supervisory intervention
- Acute sense of attention to detail and ability to keep detailed notes and records of work performed
- Familiarity with basic accounting and record-keeping principles
- Ability to work within established guidelines and regulations
- Willing to work overtime on a limited, as-needed basis
- Able to physically lift valuables (approx 50 lbs)[ZH: or about two bars of gold-plated Tungsten]
h/t Ro
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Ponzi can surely attest
The gold in the vault is the best
But then he checked leases
For 10 times the pieces
And said: "Now I'm really impressed!!!"
The Limerick King
A fucking METALS custodian needs a 4 year degree??????
How to demonstrate that college is fucking worthless in this day and age.
What is the successful candidates life expectancy?
35 +/- if one works for JPM.
Also missing that the person CANNOT be of German descent.
I don't think Samuel Shienbein is available either
~~~
http://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/u-s-killer-slain-israel-special-forces...
"""The Gold Vault is currently the world’s largest accumulation of gold, is visited by over 25,000 members of the public each year"""
Huh? Thats Funny, And Independant AUDITORS Are Barred???
Somebody below mentioned that this role is ultimately set up as a fall guy...thats right...once Germany's gold is somehow lost (big surprise)....they will blame it on the Gold Vault Custody Analyst and lay blame on the poor soul. I hope competitive salary takes into account of being hunted down in the future and going to jail for life OR accidental 'suicide'.
WANTED... Another GOLD Vault Shlepper...
(i.e. The Last One (Apparently) Committed Suicide)
Must be a non-union job
Definition: Lift steal (something, esp. a minor item of property). "the shirt she had lifted from a supermarket"
"A fucking METALS custodian needs a 4 year degree??????"
You need to show that you have been fed enough BS to be sufficiently dumbed-down....
is there any physical metal there? paper doesn't weigh much.
The Gold Vault is currently looking to fill the position of Gold Vault Custody Analyst. A Gold Vault Custody Analyst is charged with performing all of the critical responsibilities associated with safekeeping, accounting for, and displaying all tungsten entrusted to the FRBNY.
there, fixed it for ya
In order to audit remaining gold stocks, applicant must have experience with microscopes
Too bad Benny went to Brookings, he could kept himself busy giving tours of the vault and dusting off the bars of "barbarous relic".
There might be some physical gold there, but when 100 people show up to claim the same bar -- knowledge of fisticuffs might be another job-skill to have on hand...
Must not be afraid of heights...
what are they sniffing there ?
Must be proficient with nail gun for...er...uh...shelf-building for all the gold, which is safely in the vault and nowhere else, if that's what you're implying.
The last one jumped to his death out of a -6th floor basement vault.
When the say "lift", what exactly do they mean?
Oops, didn't see Truthhunter's response.
h) Drinking alcohol and usage of any sort of ultrasonic thickness gauge equipment is STRICTLY prohibited!
First day on the job...
Boss: Ok, it said you can lift valuables. Pick up this bag and hold it.
Employee: Ok, like this?
Boss: Perfect. We have to go to an important out of town meeting, you just hold that bag while we are gone, ok?
Employee: Ok.
Boss: <leaves>
Employee: Hey, this place looks empty. What's that smell?
Regards,
Cooter
William B can illustrate that one for you.
Gave him citizenship after he fled under murder charges. Just goes to show you they'll admit murders as citizens so long as they're part of the club.
CONgress threatened to withdraw aid, now THAT'S a hoot! Our government handlers would never have allowed that.
Prime Job Skill: Must Be Able To DISGUISE TUNGSTEN.
If they can see the difference between tungsten and gold, better fire them.
However, the ability to "lift" and pocket metals is absolutely imperative as it will make the subsequent congressional commissions more plausible if the disappearance of the metals came as a result of someone "physically able". Perk...job comes with behorned hat worthy of a scapegoat.
Right...so 35 +/-
It better be 100 years because after he goes in, they'll close the vault's doors for 50 years.
SALARY: COMPETITIVE
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
YES, YOU'LL HAVE TO COMPETE TO GET BY!
Well, by then we will surely know if gold is edible.
That was my first thought as well, but wouldn't you think that they'd pay these guys pretty decently? Maybe not 150K a year, but wouldn't you want to take care of the guys that are going to accumulate intimate knowledge of your vaults, schedules, security procedures, etc?
another dbl post.
AND HIS EYESIGHT NEEDS TO BE: 0 0 or ZERO ZERO!!!!
A blind man will do also...
Dont companies usually offer internal applicants the opportunity to apply before going external?
.
Therefore, if thats the case, no one within wanted the job...
The real question is - who watches the gold vault custody analyst...and then who watches that person?
.
'In Vegas, everybody's gotta watch everybody else. Since the players are looking to beat the casino, the dealers are watching the players. The box men are watching the dealers. The floor men are watching the box men. The pit bosses are watching the floor men. The shift bosses are watching the pit bosses. The casino manager is watching the shift bosses. I'm watching the casino manager. And the eye-in-the-sky is watching us all.'
~ (Ace R.) Casino
Must Be "Able To Physically Lift Valuables"
Yeah - PAPER and ether bits are heavy!
Must be able to turn lead into gold.
Must be able to make one gold bar look like ninety gold bars.
Must have at least three years experience in gold electroplating.
Must be able to pitch the official storage figures to inquisitive tea baggers.
Must be able to handle stinking German journalists.
Must be able to meaningfully influence and defuse the debate among right-wing extremists and fringe bloggers supporting gold backed money.
@ 4th St... on first pass I read in your comment: three years experience in gold evaporating.... and it looked just about right.
Popeye's Olive Oil could lift all the fed's gold with one hand. Tungsten is another matter. LMAO
"How to demonstrate that college is fucking worthless in this day and age."
Chains are never worthless to the slave owner.
Bitcoins are lighter than tungsten
You beat me to it..." Must be able to lift tungsten".
Must be able to run with a loaded wheel barrel to airport.
Must be able to look the other way as necessary.
'Prior employment at Ft. Knox a plus.'
Must be able to say, through a beard, moustache or otherwise academic prop, with a thoughtful yet firm tone of voice - "It depends"
Must be able to open and close the tunnel to the JP Morgan vault (across the street) on a daily basis
Understanding of Gold/pricing not a requisite!
FUCK YOU YELLEN, BERNANKE, AND ALL THE REST OF YOU SOCIOPATH FUCKING MONEYCHANGER SONS AND CUNTS OF SATAN....
DEATH TO THE MONEYCHANGERS...
I'm not entirely sure that I'm getting your message..... care to elaborate a bit?
he better be careful I heard there is a longsoupline.
Careful Fonz,
At this rate you might think the Kaiser has been 'Mixed'.
Tally Hoe.
;-)
"Account for all gold holdings using the Gold Vault System"
Presumably that means suppressing laughter while confirming that "It's all here, boss!" on a regular basis.
The ability to suppress sudden evil laughter and conspicuous grinning, unless the vault doors are firmly sealed, is one of the first skills to be tested in the interview.
That would be maintenance of the Excel Spreadsheet.
"must be able to physically lift valuables" must be able to ctrl-P
Account for all gold holdings using the Gold Vault System
You mean like an audit? Well good luck with that.
Falsified resume indicating mathematics degree would be helpful so that when it comes out the guy can't actually add, investigators will shake their heads knowingly and wrap up the case with reason for theft: Unmathematicability of Vault Manager.
Basically we are looking for a fall guy.
...from a 30-story building...
...with a nail gun, vigorously, repeatedly, self applied to his skull on the way down...
Being "overworked" in the commodities department of a prestigious and reputable investment firm
Must have fat fingers.
From Jesse's
Another one bites the dust. Notably absent from BBG reporting in USSA.
In other words they are hiring the fall guy for when the Germans find their gold is missing
^^ that was my first thought....
"whaddaya mean its all gone?"..........."every last ounce was there until we hired that new kid to open the vault everyday...."
I'll do it for less than the other guys! (and gals).
They forgot something...must be able to spell and define rehypothecation
Not only can I lift them, I can run with them as well.
Tungsten is way, way heavy guys. Lift with your legs, not with your sad, little backs.
Basically a vault lifter.
Schwing it dude! :>D
EOE : Barbarians encouraged to apply.
It is tradition.
Very good point, gold is worthless, archaic and pays no dividend nor can you eat it. It's like gravel, only less useful.
And who hires someone to audit/guard gravel? No one.
Since gold is so worthless, there really isn't any reason not to just store it in the parking lot, under a 30 watt bulb. That's enough security.
Sounds like a great opportunity for black market information arbitrage. Can think of a few sovereigns that would like a set of these eyes.
/snowdened
"Strong analytical thinking and problem solving skills"
Duh gee George.... do I move this stack of tungsten over here, or do I put it over there?
i volunteer!..........................as long as i don't get suicided in the midst of my employment.
Gold vaulting, do you like, leap over it and stuff? Or is that a fancy term for over seeing, as in over looking, what is going on?
Competitive salary. Six figures? Lotsa bennies? 401K? Golden Parachute goes without saying! Sounds good to me. When do I start?
Must be ab le to Lisp when they lie: all E conditions with $ 65 B a month stock buying front running are well, nothing neg. seen,
can I get a Hetero yell from Fraud Street? hell ya.
Gonna need a big lake...
I thought that the gold had already been 'lifted'.
What lifting is left to do?
Do you get a free cyanide pill with this job?
Where am I lifting it to?
Countries around the world know a major US dollar devaluation is coming and want their gold back. Silently the world has been getting out of US dollar.
I actually interviewed for a Job, Inventorying Platinum, you spent half your day working your way thru security. trust me the Paperwork is Not worth the Money they pay.. I had a friend who drove Armored Car.. he said working with all that Money that is Not yours Gets real Depressing
What's more depressing, it's not theirs either
Must also be capable of driving bobcat or similar machinery
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gR7Rieq4iPQ
a. Lift heavy objects onto JPMorgan's executive yahts
b. Lift heavy objects onto a chinese battlecruiser
c. Lift heavy objects onto a spacecraft to be shipped to Gingrich's moon base
d. Carry heavy objects through the stargate where all the bankers think they are going to flee?
The only one I can logically see are b and c. Because once the American people figure out how they've been swindled and how it will destroy their lives and the lives of their kids, there will be no place on this earth to run and hide to escape the absolute rage of the American people once they finally figure out how badly they've been fucked.
But they do have a place to escape they prepared decades ago, protected by over 500 deliverable nukes.
there will be no place on this earth to run and hide to escape the absolute rage of the American people once they finally figure out how badly they've been fucked.
Wrong! That's when they retreat to their Deep Underground Military Bases...and really kick the HARP controlled global cooling into overdrive to clear the useless eaters through a new ice age.
A bunker becomes a tomb very quickly. It's not a defensible or effective strategy.
"Fixed fortifications are a monument to man's stupidity." - Gen. George Patton (when discussing the Maginot line)
The UK is littered with these monuments with reminders of their failure and the unknown outcomes of their one time inhabitants. Fortified positions alone are a very foolish defense.
A DUMB is no ordinary bunker, and with hectic weather topside, such a series of redoubts whose location is unknown will in fact be quite safe.
But for conventional war, I do agree "A cave is a grave."
They left off:
* Ability to credibly deny delivery of gold to Germans
If the Germans ever get their gold back, guy (gal) will be out of a job.
No security of background check needed? So Jon Corzine qualifies for this job?
Yeah, but I think Oblahblah's putting him in charge of the MyRA accounts instead.
During interview:
Applicant: Yes, well, this sounds like a great job, and I'd be a perfect fit. I just have a couple of questions.
Old Yeller: Shoot.
A: What happened to the previous person doing this job?
OY: Yes, well, he moved on to a better place.
A: OK. The announcement said something about audits. When was the last one?
OY: Yes, that. Well, let's just say the next one will be in a few years.
A: Do you ever verify the purity of the bars?
OY: SECURITY!
Must be have the ability to lie with sincerity.
Must be able to handle a dust pan and clear spiderwebs.
at the bottom in fine print - Lack of seamanship knowledge is an asset.
Temporary job--long enough to move all the gold down the tunnel to the (now) Chinese vault under the old JPM HQ.
My question: What happened to the person the applicant is replacing??????
He was asking useless questions and thus found to be work shy and was sent to a labor camp for reeducation.
funny you should ask....
That's not gold in my pants, I'm just happy to see you.
Die Hard with a Vengeance
ZHers need not apply
If I wanted a job lifting barbaric relics, I'd bench press the Bernanke.
Tungsten vault, I'm sure they mean tungsten vault.
so...the gold has been there for 8 decades...how much lifting needs to be done?
" Provide detailed tours of the Gold Vault for foreign dignitaries, VIPs, and Bank Officers and their guests"
Sorry, which country did you say you were from? Germany? Eh...ok, ok, come this way, we have a special viewing area (hologram) for Germany's gold....
LOL!
Of course zee gold is all here! Right this way, Ms. Merckel...
First question: how much gold could a FED Chuck chuck, if the FED still had gold?
I read once that baboons make excellent shepherds. A baboon can remember every sheep and lamb in the herd. If one is missing, the baboon knows which lamb it is and which ewe is the mother.
Hire a baboon, he will know every gold bar and when one goes missing.
Hire an orangutan for security.
I was at a zoo once and was observing the orangutan that was behind the bars and in a cage. There was a glass shield in front of me. Next thing I saw in front of me was a huge glob of orangutan spittle on the glass that would have hit me square in the face. When I was visiting with some fellow students at university, one told the story of a soldier in Vietnam that shared his lunch with an orangutan for a couple of days until one next day the orangutan wanted his entire lunch, which the grunt refused to do. He promptly got the shit kicked out of him by the greedy orangutan, who ate his lunch. There is a free lunch for orangutans.
Hire them for security at the gold vault.
Forget about humans, they can't be trusted.
holy shit, that's the origin of the species!
Irrangutangus Revenuem Servicus
And that's where da Tax Man Cometh (from)
"German speakers preferred"
"No previous knowledge of Fort Knox necessary"
"Must be able to present everything in 10 fold denominations"
This is a job for JOHN "HOUDINI" CORZINI.
Fate the Magnificent
"Push the Button, Max"
must be fluent in Chinese
Where do I sign up? I can lift heavy tungsten all day long, I'm stupid and usually unaware of unfolding plots around me, and I'd be safe because I have a compact, stealth parachute I wear under my jacket.
Sometimes you just find your niche..
Fed: Are there any questions I can answer for you about the position?
Applicant: Why did the previous guy leave?
Fed: What previous guy?
I debated using that line, but thought it too obvious.
Must perform a daily inspection of the health of the single moth which now inhabits the empty-as-fuck Fed vault.
The ability to pass the time by whistling (due to not having any other task to do) would be considered an advantage.
actually saw a guy fired one time for whistling once, boss's rational was if he was happy , he wasn't working hard enough.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Make sure you buy a BIG ASS lunch box.
Does that include the 1,000 oz. wholesale Ag bars JPM is accumulating in anticipation of the Indian farm move from diesel to solar power? (per Andrew Maguire).
*Must be able to move bars overnight from Vault A to Vault B, just in time for Vault B's audit.
Must be willing to take coffee breaks when told to.
Must be willing to take coffee breaks when told to.
I've just sent my CV.
1) Competitive salary -- check
2) Little or no oversight -- check
3) Comfy chair -- probably check
4) Ability to eat and nap at will -- check
5) Possibly being set up as a fall-guy -- check
6) Small risk of being suicided -- worth it.
You can understand the need for physical handling ability, though.
Eventually, someone is going to ask to see all the gold that various parties claim to have in their vaults and they won't be for taking no for an answer... going to be a big job shifting the few hundred tons that are actually accessible from the Fed to Fort Knox, to JPM, etc in time for the inspectors to see it in each place. Only from the other side of the bars, of course, lest a keen eye spot any scuffed bars with a tungsten-y lustre to them.
Former experience as Magician a plus.
Yellen: We especially welcome candidates called David [is there a Blaine, in the audience or maybe a Copperfield?], and o, maybe Criss also. Any candidates called Criss in the audience?
Embarrasing - propaganda marketing to the masses.
Some ZHer should apply and go through the interview process. And then report back.
Report back? Any one of us here would be lucky to even come back!
With NSA and NDAA detainment forever without trial I can see you're right. Suggestion withdrawn.
* Must be able to switch signage quickly.
So when the Germans come in, it says German Gold, and when the French come in, it says French Gold, and when...
Think the guard at the door will fall for "we need to take the gold out and get it washed"?
RIP Harold Ramis.
zero hedge readers
need not apply ...
@Tyler: "Able to physically lift valuables (approx 50 lbs)[ZH: or about two bars of gold-plated Tungsten]"
Dammit Tyler, you almost popped my hernia.
;-D
Beware any college-educated soul willing to work in a tomb, and not just any tomb but one buried beneath many tons of overhead structures. Beware doubly any soul offering to hire the dolt.
HAHAHAH
I thought their ONLY job was to lift valuables!
Applicants will be disqualified who:
All visitors are escorted to a moving walkway where they walk past and inspect the same pallet of gold bars for a quarter of an hour . . . . . no really there is that much gold.
Overalls and paint provided.
Bring your own brush.
Paging Bernie Madoff.