The NY Fed Is Hiring: A Gold Vault Custody Analyst, Must Be "Able To Physically Lift Valuables"

Tyler Durden's picture


This is about as funny as it gets, and certainly no commentary needed.

From a job posting in

Area Overview

The Financial Services Group (FSG) operates and oversees payments system processing for the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. The FSG provides depository institutions with various payment services, including electronically transferring funds and distributing and receiving currency and coin and other valuables, as part of its central banking mission to ensure an efficient, effective and accessible payments system. Its goal is to be the most trusted and respected provider of financial services in the world.

An important and unique service provided by the New York Fed is safekeeping Gold. Various foreign governments, central banks, and international organizations entrust the FRBNY with safeguarding and storing their monetary gold reserves. The Gold Vault is currently the world’s largest accumulation of gold, is visited by over 25,000 members of the public each year, and is part of the Cash and Custody Function.

The Gold Vault is currently looking to fill the position of Gold Vault Custody Analyst. A Gold Vault Custody Analyst is charged with performing all of the critical responsibilities associated with safekeeping, accounting for, and displaying all gold entrusted to the FRBNY.

Job Responsibilities

  • Open & close the Gold Vault on a daily basis
  • Account for all gold holdings using the Gold Vault System
  •  Coordinate and facilitate periodic audits of gold holdings for various agencies and central banks
  •  Administer the Public Window to receive/pay and account for limited currency and coin transactions
  •  Maintain and update Gold Vault access rosters
  •  Conduct periodic sales of new-issue coins and currency types
  •  Coordinate all arrangements for gold movements and shipments as directed by Central Bank Services
  •  Manage and coordinate allocation of compartments for storage of valuables for various Bank functions
  •  Ensure the Gold Vault stays well-maintained and fully operational
  •  Provide detailed tours of the Gold Vault for foreign dignitaries, VIPs, and Bank Officers and their guests; Coordinate and facilitate public tours given by economic education


  •     Undergraduate degree or equivalent work experience
  •     Strong interpersonal skills and ability to work well as a member of a team
  •     Able to present and communicate effectively with multiple groups and organizations with the appropriate decorum
  •     Strong coordination skills
  •     Exceptional customer service skills and ability to interact well with a diverse customer/ stakeholder base
  •     Strong analytical thinking and problem solving skills
  •     Strong PC skills to include MS Word, MS Excel, MS Visio, etc.
  •     Strong ability to complete daily tasks and assignments with minimal supervisory intervention
  •     Acute sense of attention to detail and ability to keep detailed notes and records of work performed
  •     Familiarity with basic accounting and record-keeping principles
  •     Ability to work within established guidelines and regulations
  •     Willing to work overtime on a limited, as-needed basis
  •     Able to physically lift valuables (approx 50 lbs)[ZH: or about two bars of gold-plated Tungsten]

h/t Ro

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Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:39 | 4470924 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture


Ponzi can surely attest
The gold in the vault is the best
But then he checked leases
For 10 times the pieces
And said: "Now I'm really impressed!!!"

The Limerick King

Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:42 | 4470947 SilverRhino
SilverRhino's picture

A fucking METALS custodian needs a 4 year degree?????? 

How to demonstrate that college is fucking worthless in this day and age.   

Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:43 | 4470953 Max Damage
Max Damage's picture

What is the successful candidates life expectancy?

Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:47 | 4470973 Ignatius
Ignatius's picture

35 +/- if one works for JPM.

Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:49 | 4470988 Divided States ...
Divided States of America's picture

Also missing that the person CANNOT be of German descent.

Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:56 | 4471018 HyBrasilian
HyBrasilian's picture

I don't think Samuel Shienbein is available either


Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:04 | 4471049 BaBaBouy
BaBaBouy's picture

"""The Gold Vault is currently the world’s largest accumulation of gold, is visited by over 25,000 members of the public each year"""

Huh? Thats Funny, And Independant AUDITORS Are Barred???

Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:09 | 4471086 Divided States ...
Divided States of America's picture

Somebody below mentioned that this role is ultimately set up as a fall guy...thats right...once Germany's gold is somehow lost (big surprise)....they will blame it on the Gold Vault Custody Analyst and lay blame on the poor soul. I hope competitive salary takes into account of being hunted down in the future and going to jail for life OR accidental 'suicide'.

Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:22 | 4471134 BaBaBouy
BaBaBouy's picture

WANTED... Another GOLD Vault Shlepper...

(i.e. The Last One (Apparently) Committed Suicide)

Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:27 | 4471186 Mr. Lucky
Mr. Lucky's picture
  • Able to physically lift valuables (approx 50 lbs) 
     Must be a non-union job
  • Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:32 | 4471209 TruthHunter
    TruthHunter's picture
    Able to physically lift valuables

     Definition: Lift     steal (something, esp. a minor item of property). "the shirt she had lifted from a supermarket"
    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:34 | 4471211 gmrpeabody
    gmrpeabody's picture

    "A fucking METALS custodian needs a 4 year degree??????"

    You need to show that you have been fed enough BS to be sufficiently dumbed-down....

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:40 | 4471237 derek_vineyard
    derek_vineyard's picture

    is there any physical metal there?  paper doesn't weigh much. 

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 13:17 | 4471382 johnQpublic
    johnQpublic's picture

    The Gold Vault is currently looking to fill the position of Gold Vault Custody Analyst. A Gold Vault Custody Analyst is charged with performing all of the critical responsibilities associated with safekeeping, accounting for, and displaying all tungsten entrusted to the FRBNY.



    there, fixed it for ya

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 18:54 | 4472690 Squid-puppets a...
    Squid-puppets a-go-go's picture

    In order to audit remaining gold stocks, applicant must have experience with microscopes

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 21:04 | 4473261 FEDbuster
    FEDbuster's picture

    Too bad Benny went to Brookings, he could kept himself busy giving tours of the vault and dusting off the bars of "barbarous relic".

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 20:46 | 4473197 StychoKiller
    StychoKiller's picture

    There might be some physical gold there, but when 100 people show up to claim the same bar -- knowledge of fisticuffs might be another job-skill to have on hand...

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:39 | 4471236 TahoeBilly2012
    TahoeBilly2012's picture

    Must not be afraid of heights...

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:57 | 4471307 Debugas
    Debugas's picture

    what are they sniffing there ?

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 13:18 | 4471389 Meat Hammer
    Meat Hammer's picture

    Must be proficient with nail gun for all the gold, which is safely in the vault and nowhere else, if that's what you're implying.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 14:07 | 4471591 jimmytorpedo
    jimmytorpedo's picture

    The last one jumped to his death out of a -6th floor basement vault.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 13:27 | 4471419 mickeyman
    mickeyman's picture

    When the say "lift", what exactly do they mean?

    Oops, didn't see Truthhunter's response.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 15:30 | 4471920 Anasteus
    Anasteus's picture

    h) Drinking alcohol and usage of any sort of ultrasonic thickness gauge equipment is STRICTLY prohibited!

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:10 | 4471088 CrazyCooter
    CrazyCooter's picture

    First day on the job...

    Boss: Ok, it said you can lift valuables. Pick up this bag and hold it.

    Employee: Ok, like this?

    Boss: Perfect. We have to go to an important out of town meeting, you just hold that bag while we are gone, ok?

    Employee: Ok.

    Boss: <leaves>

    Employee: Hey, this place looks empty. What's that smell?



    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 16:30 | 4472128 optimator
    optimator's picture

    William B can illustrate that one for you.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:13 | 4471109 Colonel Klink
    Colonel Klink's picture

    Gave him citizenship after he fled under murder charges.  Just goes to show you they'll admit murders as citizens so long as they're part of the club.

    CONgress threatened to withdraw aid, now THAT'S a hoot!  Our government handlers would never have allowed that.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:58 | 4471028 BaBaBouy
    BaBaBouy's picture

    Prime Job Skill: Must Be Able To DISGUISE TUNGSTEN.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:14 | 4471114 Zero Debt
    Zero Debt's picture

    If they can see the difference between tungsten and gold, better fire them.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:42 | 4471247 NEOSERF
    NEOSERF's picture

    However, the ability to "lift" and pocket metals is absolutely imperative as it will make the subsequent congressional commissions more plausible if the disappearance of the metals came as a result of someone "physically able".  Perk...job comes with behorned hat worthy of a scapegoat.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:51 | 4470993 Alpo for Granny
    Alpo for Granny's picture 35 +/-

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:49 | 4470977 Sudden Debt
    Sudden Debt's picture

    It better be 100 years because after he goes in, they'll close the vault's doors for 50 years.







    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:15 | 4471124 Zero Debt
    Zero Debt's picture

    Well, by then we will surely know if gold is edible.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 15:34 | 4471935 Pickleton
    Pickleton's picture

    That was my first thought as well, but wouldn't you think that they'd pay these guys pretty decently?  Maybe not 150K a year, but wouldn't you want to take care of the guys that are going to accumulate intimate knowledge of your vaults, schedules, security procedures, etc?





    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 15:34 | 4471936 Pickleton
    Pickleton's picture

    another dbl post. 




    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:43 | 4470954 Sudden Debt
    Sudden Debt's picture


    A blind man will do also...

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:52 | 4470982 BLOTTO
    BLOTTO's picture

    Dont companies usually offer internal applicants the opportunity to apply before going external?


    Therefore, if thats the case, no one within wanted the job...

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:00 | 4471026 BLOTTO
    BLOTTO's picture

    The real question is - who watches the gold vault custody analyst...and then who watches that person?


    'In Vegas, everybody's gotta watch everybody else. Since the players are looking to beat the casino, the dealers are watching the players. The box men are watching the dealers. The floor men are watching the box men. The pit bosses are watching the floor men. The shift bosses are watching the pit bosses. The casino manager is watching the shift bosses. I'm watching the casino manager. And the eye-in-the-sky is watching us all.'

    ~ (Ace R.) Casino

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:44 | 4470957 Pladizow
    Pladizow's picture

    Must Be "Able To Physically Lift Valuables"

    Yeah - PAPER and ether bits are heavy!

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:54 | 4471001 TheFourthStooge-ing
    TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

    Must be able to turn lead into gold.

    Must be able to make one gold bar look like ninety gold bars.

    Must have at least three years experience in gold electroplating.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:18 | 4471138 Zero Debt
    Zero Debt's picture

    Must be able to pitch the official storage figures to inquisitive tea baggers.

    Must be able to handle stinking German journalists.

    Must be able to meaningfully influence and defuse the debate among right-wing extremists and fringe bloggers supporting gold backed money.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:54 | 4471294 Oh regional Indian
    Oh regional Indian's picture

    @ 4th St... on first pass I read in your comment: three years experience in gold evaporating.... and it looked just about right.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 14:01 | 4471572 robertsgt40
    robertsgt40's picture

    Popeye's Olive Oil could lift all the fed's gold with one hand. Tungsten is another matter. LMAO

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 16:19 | 4472098 Dr. Destructo
    Dr. Destructo's picture

    "How to demonstrate that college is fucking worthless in this day and age."

    Chains are never worthless to the slave owner.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:38 | 4470925 Smegley Wanxalot
    Smegley Wanxalot's picture

    Bitcoins are lighter than tungsten

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:42 | 4470952 SWRichmond
    SWRichmond's picture

    You beat me to it..." Must be able to lift tungsten".

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:58 | 4471030 Harbanger
    Harbanger's picture

    Must be able to run with a loaded wheel barrel to airport.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:38 | 4470927 Yes We Can. But...
    Yes We Can. But Lets Not.'s picture

    Must be able to look the other way as necessary.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:56 | 4471017 krispkritter
    krispkritter's picture

     'Prior employment at Ft. Knox a plus.'

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:19 | 4471143 Zero Debt
    Zero Debt's picture

    Must be able to say, through a beard, moustache or otherwise academic prop, with a thoughtful yet firm tone of voice - "It depends"

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:24 | 4471165 Cacete de Ouro
    Cacete de Ouro's picture

    Must be able to open and close the tunnel to the JP Morgan vault (across the street) on a daily basis

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