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The NY Fed Is Hiring: A Gold Vault Custody Analyst, Must Be "Able To Physically Lift Valuables"

Tyler Durden's picture




 

This is about as funny as it gets, and certainly no commentary needed.

From a job posting in efinancialcareers.co.uk

Area Overview

The Financial Services Group (FSG) operates and oversees payments system processing for the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. The FSG provides depository institutions with various payment services, including electronically transferring funds and distributing and receiving currency and coin and other valuables, as part of its central banking mission to ensure an efficient, effective and accessible payments system. Its goal is to be the most trusted and respected provider of financial services in the world.

An important and unique service provided by the New York Fed is safekeeping Gold. Various foreign governments, central banks, and international organizations entrust the FRBNY with safeguarding and storing their monetary gold reserves. The Gold Vault is currently the world’s largest accumulation of gold, is visited by over 25,000 members of the public each year, and is part of the Cash and Custody Function.

The Gold Vault is currently looking to fill the position of Gold Vault Custody Analyst. A Gold Vault Custody Analyst is charged with performing all of the critical responsibilities associated with safekeeping, accounting for, and displaying all gold entrusted to the FRBNY.

Job Responsibilities

  • Open & close the Gold Vault on a daily basis
  • Account for all gold holdings using the Gold Vault System
  •  Coordinate and facilitate periodic audits of gold holdings for various agencies and central banks
  •  Administer the Public Window to receive/pay and account for limited currency and coin transactions
  •  Maintain and update Gold Vault access rosters
  •  Conduct periodic sales of new-issue coins and currency types
  •  Coordinate all arrangements for gold movements and shipments as directed by Central Bank Services
  •  Manage and coordinate allocation of compartments for storage of valuables for various Bank functions
  •  Ensure the Gold Vault stays well-maintained and fully operational
  •  Provide detailed tours of the Gold Vault for foreign dignitaries, VIPs, and Bank Officers and their guests; Coordinate and facilitate public tours given by economic education

Qualifications:

  •     Undergraduate degree or equivalent work experience
  •     Strong interpersonal skills and ability to work well as a member of a team
  •     Able to present and communicate effectively with multiple groups and organizations with the appropriate decorum
  •     Strong coordination skills
  •     Exceptional customer service skills and ability to interact well with a diverse customer/ stakeholder base
  •     Strong analytical thinking and problem solving skills
  •     Strong PC skills to include MS Word, MS Excel, MS Visio, etc.
  •     Strong ability to complete daily tasks and assignments with minimal supervisory intervention
  •     Acute sense of attention to detail and ability to keep detailed notes and records of work performed
  •     Familiarity with basic accounting and record-keeping principles
  •     Ability to work within established guidelines and regulations
  •     Willing to work overtime on a limited, as-needed basis
  •     Able to physically lift valuables (approx 50 lbs)[ZH: or about two bars of gold-plated Tungsten]

h/t Ro

 

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Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:39 | 4470924 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

.

Ponzi can surely attest
The gold in the vault is the best
But then he checked leases
For 10 times the pieces
And said: "Now I'm really impressed!!!"

The Limerick King

Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:42 | 4470947 SilverRhino
SilverRhino's picture

A fucking METALS custodian needs a 4 year degree?????? 

How to demonstrate that college is fucking worthless in this day and age.   

Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:43 | 4470953 Max Damage
Max Damage's picture

What is the successful candidates life expectancy?

Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:47 | 4470973 Ignatius
Ignatius's picture

35 +/- if one works for JPM.

Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:49 | 4470988 Divided States ...
Divided States of America's picture

Also missing that the person CANNOT be of German descent.

Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:56 | 4471018 HyBrasilian
HyBrasilian's picture

I don't think Samuel Shienbein is available either

~~~

http://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/u-s-killer-slain-israel-special-forces...

Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:04 | 4471049 BaBaBouy
BaBaBouy's picture

"""The Gold Vault is currently the world’s largest accumulation of gold, is visited by over 25,000 members of the public each year"""

Huh? Thats Funny, And Independant AUDITORS Are Barred???

Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:09 | 4471086 Divided States ...
Divided States of America's picture

Somebody below mentioned that this role is ultimately set up as a fall guy...thats right...once Germany's gold is somehow lost (big surprise)....they will blame it on the Gold Vault Custody Analyst and lay blame on the poor soul. I hope competitive salary takes into account of being hunted down in the future and going to jail for life OR accidental 'suicide'.

Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:22 | 4471134 BaBaBouy
BaBaBouy's picture

WANTED... Another GOLD Vault Shlepper...

(i.e. The Last One (Apparently) Committed Suicide)

Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:27 | 4471186 Mr. Lucky
Mr. Lucky's picture
  • Able to physically lift valuables (approx 50 lbs) 
     Must be a non-union job
  • Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:32 | 4471209 TruthHunter
    TruthHunter's picture
    Able to physically lift valuables

     Definition: Lift     steal (something, esp. a minor item of property). "the shirt she had lifted from a supermarket"
    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:34 | 4471211 gmrpeabody
    gmrpeabody's picture

    "A fucking METALS custodian needs a 4 year degree??????"

    You need to show that you have been fed enough BS to be sufficiently dumbed-down....

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:40 | 4471237 derek_vineyard
    derek_vineyard's picture

    is there any physical metal there?  paper doesn't weigh much. 

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 13:17 | 4471382 johnQpublic
    johnQpublic's picture

    The Gold Vault is currently looking to fill the position of Gold Vault Custody Analyst. A Gold Vault Custody Analyst is charged with performing all of the critical responsibilities associated with safekeeping, accounting for, and displaying all tungsten entrusted to the FRBNY.

     

     

    there, fixed it for ya

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 18:54 | 4472690 Squid-puppets a...
    Squid-puppets a-go-go's picture

    In order to audit remaining gold stocks, applicant must have experience with microscopes

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 21:04 | 4473261 FEDbuster
    FEDbuster's picture

    Too bad Benny went to Brookings, he could kept himself busy giving tours of the vault and dusting off the bars of "barbarous relic".

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 20:46 | 4473197 StychoKiller
    StychoKiller's picture

    There might be some physical gold there, but when 100 people show up to claim the same bar -- knowledge of fisticuffs might be another job-skill to have on hand...

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:39 | 4471236 TahoeBilly2012
    TahoeBilly2012's picture

    Must not be afraid of heights...

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:57 | 4471307 Debugas
    Debugas's picture

    what are they sniffing there ?

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 13:18 | 4471389 Meat Hammer
    Meat Hammer's picture

    Must be proficient with nail gun for...er...uh...shelf-building for all the gold, which is safely in the vault and nowhere else, if that's what you're implying.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 14:07 | 4471591 jimmytorpedo
    jimmytorpedo's picture

    The last one jumped to his death out of a -6th floor basement vault.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 13:27 | 4471419 mickeyman
    mickeyman's picture

    When the say "lift", what exactly do they mean?

    Oops, didn't see Truthhunter's response.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 15:30 | 4471920 Anasteus
    Anasteus's picture

    h) Drinking alcohol and usage of any sort of ultrasonic thickness gauge equipment is STRICTLY prohibited!

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:10 | 4471088 CrazyCooter
    CrazyCooter's picture

    First day on the job...

    Boss: Ok, it said you can lift valuables. Pick up this bag and hold it.

    Employee: Ok, like this?

    Boss: Perfect. We have to go to an important out of town meeting, you just hold that bag while we are gone, ok?

    Employee: Ok.

    Boss: <leaves>

    Employee: Hey, this place looks empty. What's that smell?

    Regards,

    Cooter

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 16:30 | 4472128 optimator
    optimator's picture

    William B can illustrate that one for you.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:13 | 4471109 Colonel Klink
    Colonel Klink's picture

    Gave him citizenship after he fled under murder charges.  Just goes to show you they'll admit murders as citizens so long as they're part of the club.

    CONgress threatened to withdraw aid, now THAT'S a hoot!  Our government handlers would never have allowed that.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:58 | 4471028 BaBaBouy
    BaBaBouy's picture

    Prime Job Skill: Must Be Able To DISGUISE TUNGSTEN.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:14 | 4471114 Zero Debt
    Zero Debt's picture

    If they can see the difference between tungsten and gold, better fire them.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:42 | 4471247 NEOSERF
    NEOSERF's picture

    However, the ability to "lift" and pocket metals is absolutely imperative as it will make the subsequent congressional commissions more plausible if the disappearance of the metals came as a result of someone "physically able".  Perk...job comes with behorned hat worthy of a scapegoat.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:51 | 4470993 Alpo for Granny
    Alpo for Granny's picture

    Right...so 35 +/-

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:49 | 4470977 Sudden Debt
    Sudden Debt's picture

    It better be 100 years because after he goes in, they'll close the vault's doors for 50 years.

     

     

    SALARY: COMPETITIVE

     

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    YES, YOU'LL HAVE TO COMPETE TO GET BY!

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:15 | 4471124 Zero Debt
    Zero Debt's picture

    Well, by then we will surely know if gold is edible.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 15:34 | 4471935 Pickleton
    Pickleton's picture

    That was my first thought as well, but wouldn't you think that they'd pay these guys pretty decently?  Maybe not 150K a year, but wouldn't you want to take care of the guys that are going to accumulate intimate knowledge of your vaults, schedules, security procedures, etc?

     

     

     

     

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 15:34 | 4471936 Pickleton
    Pickleton's picture

    another dbl post. 

     

     

     

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:43 | 4470954 Sudden Debt
    Sudden Debt's picture

    AND HIS EYESIGHT NEEDS TO BE: 0 0 or ZERO ZERO!!!!

    A blind man will do also...

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:52 | 4470982 BLOTTO
    BLOTTO's picture

    Dont companies usually offer internal applicants the opportunity to apply before going external?

    .

    Therefore, if thats the case, no one within wanted the job...

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:00 | 4471026 BLOTTO
    BLOTTO's picture

    The real question is - who watches the gold vault custody analyst...and then who watches that person?

    .

    'In Vegas, everybody's gotta watch everybody else. Since the players are looking to beat the casino, the dealers are watching the players. The box men are watching the dealers. The floor men are watching the box men. The pit bosses are watching the floor men. The shift bosses are watching the pit bosses. The casino manager is watching the shift bosses. I'm watching the casino manager. And the eye-in-the-sky is watching us all.'

    ~ (Ace R.) Casino

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:44 | 4470957 Pladizow
    Pladizow's picture

    Must Be "Able To Physically Lift Valuables"

    Yeah - PAPER and ether bits are heavy!

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:54 | 4471001 TheFourthStooge-ing
    TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

    Must be able to turn lead into gold.

    Must be able to make one gold bar look like ninety gold bars.

    Must have at least three years experience in gold electroplating.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:18 | 4471138 Zero Debt
    Zero Debt's picture

    Must be able to pitch the official storage figures to inquisitive tea baggers.

    Must be able to handle stinking German journalists.

    Must be able to meaningfully influence and defuse the debate among right-wing extremists and fringe bloggers supporting gold backed money.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:54 | 4471294 Oh regional Indian
    Oh regional Indian's picture

    @ 4th St... on first pass I read in your comment: three years experience in gold evaporating.... and it looked just about right.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 14:01 | 4471572 robertsgt40
    robertsgt40's picture

    Popeye's Olive Oil could lift all the fed's gold with one hand. Tungsten is another matter. LMAO

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 16:19 | 4472098 Dr. Destructo
    Dr. Destructo's picture

    "How to demonstrate that college is fucking worthless in this day and age."

    Chains are never worthless to the slave owner.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:38 | 4470925 Smegley Wanxalot
    Smegley Wanxalot's picture

    Bitcoins are lighter than tungsten

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:42 | 4470952 SWRichmond
    SWRichmond's picture

    You beat me to it..." Must be able to lift tungsten".

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:58 | 4471030 Harbanger
    Harbanger's picture

    Must be able to run with a loaded wheel barrel to airport.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:38 | 4470927 Yes We Can. But...
    Yes We Can. But Lets Not.'s picture

    Must be able to look the other way as necessary.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:56 | 4471017 krispkritter
    krispkritter's picture

     'Prior employment at Ft. Knox a plus.'

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:19 | 4471143 Zero Debt
    Zero Debt's picture

    Must be able to say, through a beard, moustache or otherwise academic prop, with a thoughtful yet firm tone of voice - "It depends"

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:24 | 4471165 Cacete de Ouro
    Cacete de Ouro's picture

    Must be able to open and close the tunnel to the JP Morgan vault (across the street) on a daily basis

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 20:50 | 4473209 StychoKiller
    StychoKiller's picture

    Understanding of Gold/pricing not a requisite!

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:39 | 4470930 Kaiser Sousa
    Kaiser Sousa's picture

    FUCK YOU YELLEN, BERNANKE, AND ALL THE REST OF YOU SOCIOPATH FUCKING MONEYCHANGER SONS AND CUNTS OF SATAN....

    DEATH TO THE MONEYCHANGERS...

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:59 | 4471036 Dr. Engali
    Dr. Engali's picture

    I'm not entirely sure that I'm getting your message..... care to elaborate a bit?

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:02 | 4471052 fonzannoon
    fonzannoon's picture

    he better be careful I heard there is a longsoupline.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:55 | 4471301 Inthemix96
    Inthemix96's picture

    Careful Fonz,

    At this rate you might think the Kaiser has been 'Mixed'.

    Tally Hoe.

    ;-)

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:41 | 4470933 Tinky
    Tinky's picture

    "Account for all gold holdings using the Gold Vault System"

    Presumably that means suppressing laughter while confirming that "It's all here, boss!" on a regular basis.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:22 | 4471149 Zero Debt
    Zero Debt's picture

    The ability to suppress sudden evil laughter and conspicuous grinning, unless the vault doors are firmly sealed, is one of the first skills to be tested in the interview.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:52 | 4471282 JLee2027
    JLee2027's picture
    • Account for all gold holdings using the Gold Vault System

    That would be maintenance of the Excel Spreadsheet.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:41 | 4470934 Cursive
    Cursive's picture

     

    "must be able to physically lift valuables" must be able to ctrl-P

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:40 | 4470936 KnightTakesKing
    KnightTakesKing's picture

     Account for all gold holdings using the Gold Vault System

    You mean like an audit? Well good luck with that.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:45 | 4471262 NEOSERF
    NEOSERF's picture

    Falsified resume indicating mathematics degree would be helpful so that when it comes out the guy can't actually add, investigators will shake their heads knowingly and wrap up the case with reason for theft: Unmathematicability of Vault Manager.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:40 | 4470937 BurningFuld
    BurningFuld's picture

    Basically we are looking for a fall guy.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:47 | 4470975 SWRichmond
    SWRichmond's picture

    ...from a 30-story building...

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:55 | 4471011 MsCreant
    MsCreant's picture

    ...with a nail gun, vigorously, repeatedly, self applied to his skull on the way down...

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:23 | 4471159 Zero Debt
    Zero Debt's picture

    Being "overworked" in the commodities department of a prestigious and reputable investment firm

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:48 | 4470978 Ignatius
    Ignatius's picture

    Must have fat fingers.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 13:35 | 4471466 WillyGroper
    WillyGroper's picture

    From Jesse's

    Another one bites the dust. Notably absent from BBG reporting in USSA.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:41 | 4470938 Rich V
    Rich V's picture

    In other words they are hiring the fall guy for when the Germans find their gold is missing

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:44 | 4470955 Bytor325
    Bytor325's picture

    ^^ that was my first thought....

    "whaddaya mean its all gone?"..........."every last ounce was there until we hired that new kid to open the vault everyday...."

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:41 | 4470942 PacOps
    PacOps's picture

    I'll do it for less than the other guys! (and gals).

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:41 | 4470945 1stepcloser
    1stepcloser's picture

    They forgot something...must be able to spell and define rehypothecation

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:42 | 4470946 Mr Giggles
    Mr Giggles's picture

    Not only can I lift them, I can run with them as well.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:42 | 4470950 Glass Seagull
    Glass Seagull's picture

     

     

     

    Tungsten is way, way heavy guys.  Lift with your legs, not with your sad, little backs.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:45 | 4470962 alangreedspank
    alangreedspank's picture

    Basically a vault lifter.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 20:53 | 4473217 StychoKiller
    StychoKiller's picture

    Schwing it dude!  :>D

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:46 | 4470970 Rainman
    Rainman's picture

    EOE : Barbarians encouraged to apply.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:53 | 4471003 MsCreant
    MsCreant's picture

    It is tradition.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:53 | 4471004 RafterManFMJ
    RafterManFMJ's picture

    Very good point, gold is worthless, archaic and pays no dividend nor can you eat it. It's like gravel, only less useful.

    And who hires someone to audit/guard gravel? No one.

    Since gold is so worthless, there really isn't any reason not to just store it in the parking lot, under a 30 watt bulb. That's enough security.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:51 | 4470981 Frozen
    Frozen's picture

    Sounds like a great opportunity for black market information arbitrage.  Can think of a few sovereigns that would like a set of these eyes.

    /snowdened

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:50 | 4470983 Dr. Engali
    Dr. Engali's picture

     "Strong analytical thinking and problem solving skills"

     

    Duh gee George.... do I move this stack of tungsten over here, or do I put it over there?

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:50 | 4470987 CheapBastard
    CheapBastard's picture

    i volunteer!..........................as long as i don't get suicided in the midst of my employment.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:51 | 4470989 MsCreant
    MsCreant's picture

    Gold vaulting, do you like, leap over it and stuff? Or is that a fancy term for over seeing, as in over looking, what is going on?

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:53 | 4471005 Emergency Ward
    Emergency Ward's picture

    Competitive salary.  Six figures?  Lotsa bennies?  401K?  Golden Parachute goes without saying!  Sounds good to me.  When do I start?

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:55 | 4471012 Atlantis Consigliore
    Atlantis Consigliore's picture

    Must be ab le to Lisp when they lie:   all E conditions with $ 65 B a month stock buying front running are well,  nothing neg. seen,

    can I get a Hetero  yell from Fraud Street?  hell ya.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:55 | 4471015 MsCreant
    MsCreant's picture

    Gonna need a big lake...

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:58 | 4471031 Kirk2NCC1701
    Kirk2NCC1701's picture

    I thought that the gold had already been 'lifted'.

    What lifting is left to do?

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 11:58 | 4471032 Nasquak
    Nasquak's picture

    Do you get a free cyanide pill with this job?

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:02 | 4471033 Nasquak
    Nasquak's picture

    Where am I lifting it to?

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:01 | 4471050 yogibear
    yogibear's picture

    Countries around the world know a major US dollar devaluation is coming and want their gold back. Silently the world has been getting out of US dollar. 

     

     

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:04 | 4471066 The Wisp
    The Wisp's picture

    I actually interviewed for a Job, Inventorying Platinum, you spent half your day working your way thru security. trust me the Paperwork is Not worth the Money they pay..  I had a friend who drove Armored Car.. he said working with all that Money that is Not yours Gets real Depressing

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:14 | 4471116 2muchtax
    2muchtax's picture

    What's more depressing, it's not theirs either

     

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:07 | 4471068 1stepcloser
    1stepcloser's picture

    Must also be capable of driving bobcat or similar machinery 

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gR7Rieq4iPQ

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:05 | 4471069 SgtShaftoe
    SgtShaftoe's picture

    a. Lift heavy objects onto JPMorgan's executive yahts

    b. Lift heavy objects onto a chinese battlecruiser

    c. Lift heavy objects onto a spacecraft to be shipped to Gingrich's moon base

    d. Carry heavy objects through the stargate where all the bankers think they are going to flee? 

     

    The only one I can logically see are b and c.  Because once the American people figure out how they've been swindled and how it will destroy their lives and the lives of their kids, there will be no place on this earth to run and hide to escape the absolute rage of the American people once they finally figure out how badly they've been fucked. 

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:14 | 4471115 optimator
    optimator's picture

    But they do have a place to escape they prepared decades ago, protected by over 500 deliverable nukes.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:56 | 4471303 RafterManFMJ
    RafterManFMJ's picture

    there will be no place on this earth to run and hide to escape the absolute rage of the American people once they finally figure out how badly they've been fucked. 

     

    Wrong! That's when they retreat to their Deep Underground Military Bases...and really kick the HARP controlled global cooling into overdrive to clear the useless eaters through a new ice age.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 13:10 | 4471355 SgtShaftoe
    SgtShaftoe's picture

    A bunker becomes a tomb very quickly.  It's not a defensible or effective strategy. 

    "Fixed fortifications are a monument to man's stupidity." - Gen. George Patton (when discussing the Maginot line)

    The UK is littered with these monuments with reminders of their failure and the unknown outcomes of their one time inhabitants. Fortified positions alone are a very foolish defense. 

    Tue, 02/25/2014 - 12:40 | 4475678 RafterManFMJ
    RafterManFMJ's picture

    A DUMB is no ordinary bunker, and with hectic weather topside, such a series of redoubts whose location is unknown will in fact be quite safe.

    But for conventional war, I do agree "A cave is a grave."

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:08 | 4471081 khakuda
    khakuda's picture

    They left off:

    * Ability to credibly deny delivery of gold to Germans

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 13:06 | 4471335 ThisIsBob
    ThisIsBob's picture

    If the Germans ever get their gold back, guy (gal) will be out of a job.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:10 | 4471089 fijisailor
    fijisailor's picture

    No security of background check needed?  So Jon Corzine qualifies for this job?

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:34 | 4471216 e_goldstein
    e_goldstein's picture

    Yeah, but I think Oblahblah's putting him in charge of the MyRA accounts instead.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:10 | 4471090 tongue.stan
    tongue.stan's picture

    During interview:

    Applicant: Yes, well, this sounds like a great job, and I'd be a perfect fit. I just have a couple of questions.

    Old Yeller: Shoot.

    A: What happened to the previous person doing this job?

    OY: Yes, well, he moved on to a better place.

    A: OK. The announcement said something about audits. When was the last one?

    OY: Yes, that. Well, let's just say the next one will be in a few years.

    A: Do you ever verify the purity of the bars?

    OY: SECURITY!

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:12 | 4471101 optimator
    optimator's picture

    Must be have the ability to lie with sincerity.

    Must be able to handle a dust pan and clear spiderwebs.

     

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:12 | 4471104 Smuckers
    Smuckers's picture

    at the bottom in fine print - Lack of seamanship knowledge is an asset.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:13 | 4471111 Bastiat
    Bastiat's picture

    Temporary job--long enough to move all the gold down the tunnel to the (now) Chinese vault under the old JPM HQ. 

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:16 | 4471130 The Proletariat
    The Proletariat's picture

    My question:  What happened to the person the applicant is replacing??????

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:26 | 4471179 Zero Debt
    Zero Debt's picture

    He was asking useless questions and thus found to be work shy and was sent to a labor camp for reeducation.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 17:48 | 4472412 MeelionDollerBogus
    MeelionDollerBogus's picture

    funny you should ask....

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:17 | 4471135 2muchtax
    2muchtax's picture

    That's not gold in my pants, I'm just happy to see you.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:21 | 4471147 thamnosma
    thamnosma's picture

    Die Hard with a Vengeance

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:25 | 4471171 2muchtax
    2muchtax's picture

    ZHers need not apply

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:26 | 4471181 Smuckers
    Smuckers's picture

    If I wanted a job lifting barbaric relics, I'd bench press the Bernanke.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:30 | 4471198 Johnny Cocknballs
    Johnny Cocknballs's picture

    Tungsten vault, I'm sure they mean tungsten vault.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:32 | 4471208 2muchtax
    2muchtax's picture

    so...the gold has been there for 8 decades...how much lifting needs to be done?

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:38 | 4471235 Cacete de Ouro
    Cacete de Ouro's picture

    " Provide detailed tours of the Gold Vault for foreign dignitaries, VIPs, and Bank Officers and their guests"

    Sorry, which country did you say you were from? Germany? Eh...ok, ok, come this way, we have a special viewing area (hologram) for Germany's gold....

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 17:47 | 4472396 MeelionDollerBogus
    MeelionDollerBogus's picture

    LOL!

    Of course zee gold is all here! Right this way, Ms. Merckel...

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:41 | 4471241 2muchtax
    2muchtax's picture

    First question: how much gold could a FED Chuck chuck, if the FED still had gold?

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:41 | 4471243 muleskinner
    muleskinner's picture

    I read once that baboons make excellent shepherds. A baboon can remember every sheep and lamb in the herd. If one is missing, the baboon knows which lamb it is and which ewe is the mother.

    Hire a baboon, he will know every gold bar and when one goes missing.

    Hire an orangutan for security.

    I was at a zoo once and was observing the orangutan that was behind the bars and in a cage. There was a glass shield in front of me. Next thing I saw in front of me was a huge glob of orangutan spittle on the glass that would have hit me square in the face. When I was visiting with some fellow students at university, one told the story of a soldier in Vietnam that shared his lunch with an orangutan for a couple of days until one next day the orangutan wanted his entire lunch, which the grunt refused to do. He promptly got the shit kicked out of him by the greedy orangutan, who ate his lunch. There is a free lunch for orangutans.

    Hire them for security at the gold vault.

    Forget about humans, they can't be trusted.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 17:42 | 4472391 MeelionDollerBogus
    MeelionDollerBogus's picture

    holy shit, that's the origin of the species!

    Irrangutangus Revenuem Servicus

    And that's where da Tax Man Cometh (from)

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:45 | 4471258 10044
    10044's picture

    "German speakers preferred"

    "No previous knowledge of Fort Knox necessary"

    "Must be able to present everything in 10 fold denominations"

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:49 | 4471268 Professor Fate
    Professor Fate's picture

    This is a job for JOHN "HOUDINI" CORZINI. 

    Fate the Magnificent
    "Push the Button, Max"

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:49 | 4471269 2muchtax
    2muchtax's picture

    must be fluent in Chinese

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:50 | 4471276 Conax
    Conax's picture

    Where do I sign up?  I can lift heavy tungsten all day long, I'm stupid and usually unaware of unfolding plots around me, and I'd be safe because I have a compact, stealth parachute I wear under my jacket.

    Sometimes you just find your niche..

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:50 | 4471277 NEOSERF
    NEOSERF's picture

    Fed: Are there any questions I can answer for you about the position?

    Applicant: Why did the previous guy leave?

    Fed: What previous guy?

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:57 | 4471311 tongue.stan
    tongue.stan's picture

    I debated using that line, but thought it too obvious.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:53 | 4471288 RealityCheque
    RealityCheque's picture

    Must perform a daily inspection of the health of the single moth which now inhabits the empty-as-fuck Fed vault.

    The ability to pass the time by whistling (due to not having any other task to do) would be considered an advantage.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 13:00 | 4471317 The Wisp
    The Wisp's picture

    actually saw a guy fired one time for whistling once,  boss's rational was if he was happy , he wasn't working hard enough.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 14:53 | 4471745 XitSam
    XitSam's picture

    The beatings will continue until morale improves.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:55 | 4471299 olenumbersix
    olenumbersix's picture

    Make sure you buy a BIG ASS lunch box.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 12:57 | 4471306 Manthong
    Manthong's picture

    Does that include the 1,000 oz. wholesale Ag  bars JPM is accumulating in anticipation of the Indian farm move from diesel to solar power?  (per Andrew Maguire).

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 13:31 | 4471449 L_Conquistador
    L_Conquistador's picture

    *Must be able to move bars overnight from Vault A to Vault B, just in time for Vault B's audit. 

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 13:36 | 4471473 Puncher75
    Puncher75's picture

    Must be willing to take coffee breaks when told to. 

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 13:36 | 4471474 Puncher75
    Puncher75's picture

    Must be willing to take coffee breaks when told to. 

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 13:38 | 4471482 RealityCheque
    RealityCheque's picture

    I've just sent my CV.

    1) Competitive salary -- check

    2) Little or no oversight -- check

    3) Comfy chair -- probably check

    4) Ability to eat and nap at will -- check

    5) Possibly being set up as a fall-guy -- check

    6) Small risk of being suicided -- worth it.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 13:39 | 4471488 Mitzibitzi
    Mitzibitzi's picture

    You can understand the need for physical handling ability, though.

    Eventually, someone is going to ask to see all the gold that various parties claim to have in their vaults and they won't be for taking no for an answer... going to be a big job shifting the few hundred tons that are actually accessible from the Fed to Fort Knox, to JPM, etc in time for the inspectors to see it in each place. Only from the other side of the bars, of course, lest a keen eye spot any scuffed bars with a tungsten-y lustre to them.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 14:17 | 4471611 MsCreant
    MsCreant's picture

    Former experience as Magician a plus.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 20:36 | 4473151 Cacete de Ouro
    Cacete de Ouro's picture

    Yellen: We especially welcome candidates called David [is there a Blaine, in the audience or maybe a Copperfield?], and o, maybe Criss also. Any candidates called Criss in the audience?

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 14:41 | 4471683 SharkBit
    SharkBit's picture

    Embarrasing - propaganda marketing to the masses.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 14:54 | 4471754 XitSam
    XitSam's picture

    Some ZHer should apply and go through the interview process.  And then report back.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 16:21 | 4472105 optimator
    optimator's picture

    Report back?  Any one of us here would be lucky to even come back!

    Wed, 02/26/2014 - 12:43 | 4480415 XitSam
    XitSam's picture

    With NSA and NDAA detainment forever without trial I can see you're right. Suggestion withdrawn.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 15:19 | 4471869 insanelysane
    insanelysane's picture

    * Must be able to switch signage quickly.

    So when the Germans come in, it says German Gold, and when the French come in, it says French Gold, and when...

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 15:30 | 4471923 insanelysane
    insanelysane's picture

    Think the guard at the door will fall for "we need to take the gold out and get it washed"?

    RIP Harold Ramis.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 15:59 | 4472043 mt paul
    mt paul's picture

    zero hedge readers

     

    need not apply ...

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 16:44 | 4472182 messymerry
    messymerry's picture

    @Tyler: "Able to physically lift valuables (approx 50 lbs)[ZH: or about two bars of gold-plated Tungsten]"

    Dammit Tyler, you almost popped my hernia. 

    ;-D

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 17:04 | 4472257 sink critically
    sink critically's picture

    Beware any college-educated soul willing to work in a tomb, and not just any tomb but one buried beneath many tons of overhead structures. Beware doubly any soul offering to hire the dolt.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 17:36 | 4472329 MeelionDollerBogus
    MeelionDollerBogus's picture

    HAHAHAH

    I thought their ONLY job was to lift valuables!

    Applicants will be disqualified who:

    • own a boat
    • have boating accidents
    • comment or contribute to Zerohedge
    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 18:14 | 4472528 BringOnTheAsteroid
    BringOnTheAsteroid's picture

    All visitors are escorted to a moving walkway where they walk past and inspect the same pallet of gold bars for a quarter of an hour . . . . . no really there is that much gold.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 18:56 | 4472698 jmcadg
    jmcadg's picture

    Overalls and paint provided.

    Bring your own brush.

    Mon, 02/24/2014 - 20:14 | 4473037 DavosSherman
    DavosSherman's picture

    Paging Bernie Madoff.

    Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!