As Russian Troops In The Ukraine Hit 16,000, US Department Of Defense Orders Them To Go Home

Tyler Durden's picture


While it has gotten to the point where the propaganda is so bad on both sides of the Ukraine crisis, that any numbers thrown about are ridiculous, made up gibberish more fabricated than anything the Chinese Department of Truth or US Bureau of Labor can possibly goalseek, it is worth pointing out that according to AP, Ukraine's ambassador to the UN said 16,000 Russian troops are now deployed in the Ukraine. This was "revealed" at the third emergency Security Council session meeting in the last four days, shortly after Ukraine's fugitive president requested Russian soldiers in the strategic Crimea region "to establish legitimacy, peace, law and order," Russia's U.N. ambassador said Monday, contradicting the president's own comments last week.

However, while Russian hypocrisy is to be expected - after all they are the "Evil Empire" to quote a famous actor and president - it is the humor from the self-appointed moral watchdog of all the world's evils, the US, that was the highlight of today's UN session:

 U.S. Ambassador Samantha Power dismissed Moscow's contention that it intervened militarily in Crimea to protect the human rights of Russian civilians there as "baseless," insisting there is no evidence of any threats against ethnic Russians in Ukraine.


"One might think that Moscow has just become the rapid response arm of the High Commissioner for Human Rights," she told the council. "Russian military action is not a human rights protection mission."

Speaking of high commissioners for human rights, at least Russia never invaded a country using made up WMDs as pretext, and did not almost launch World War III to satisfy a nat gas-rich ally over a fabricated YouTube clip. Oh, and all that "innocent civilian casualty" drone stuff too.

So what does the world's most irrelevant organization do? They send in monitors:


Well, monitors did miracles during the Yugoslav war, maybe they will "work" this time too.

But the piece de resistance, regardless if the real number of Russian troops in the Ukraine is 1,000 or 100,000, was the following:


Wait, so the US Department of Defense, that of the United States if it was somehow unclear, suddenly has authority to control the troops... of Russia?

One wonders: did the US Department of Education tell Gazprom to maintain gas supplies to Germany no matter how many CIA agents are operating in Kiev?

Or did ACORN tell whoever is the current pre-countercoup Ukraine president to hike minimum wages?

Or maybe the Department of Justice is quietly trying to collect its Fedex guns sent "erroneously" to Ukraine mercenaries, having confused them with Mexican drug lords?

Whatever the confusion, we are confident that following this latest "escalation" in the US response narrative, that Russia will promptly CTRL-Z everything it has done in the Ukraine in the past two weeks, and say it was only kidding.

* * *

Tangentially, while it has been made abundantly clear just how terrified Russia is of NATO, of Europe and of the US, for an indication of what China thinks of the latter, the WSJ reports the following:

The departing U.S. ambassador to China, Gary Locke inspired mixed reactions during his two-and-a-half-year tenure. Though his unpretentious manner was widely praised, as the first American of Chinese descent to hold the job, criticism of him had a special bite... The state-run China News Service... published a derisive editorial late last week (in Chinese) that described Mr. Locke as “a banana, with yellow skin and a white heart.”

Because when America respects itself and its symbolic headpiece, the president, so very much how can the rest of the world not follow?

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Mon, 03/03/2014 - 22:04 | 4504681 Truther
Truther's picture

The US fuckers never learn, do they... Till it hits hard right in the balls.

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 22:14 | 4504726 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

U.S.Department of Defense orders Russian Troops to withdraw or else U.S. Military will do this again-

- Gay and lesbian troops perform in drag on American military base -

Troops based at the Kadena Air Base in Japan know how to party. On Saturday, six gay and straight service members applied some of their finest makeup and lip synced to "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" in what is believed to be first drag queen and king show on an American military base. The show was thrown in support for the base's recently formed OutServe-SLDN chapter, a nonprofit advocacy group for the army's LGBT community.

Navy Lt. Marissa Greene told Stars and Stripes she only expected to sell 75 tickets for the variety show, but ended up selling more than 400 in ten days. The event went through the same approval process as other on-base fundraisers go through, with the only caveat being that it was not allowed to be labeled a "drag show" in its publicity materials. The show was warmly received by spectators, who rocked out to performances by the likes of Manny Nuff and Chocolate Sunrise ("a crowd favorite," the website notes.)

Just a few years ago, performances like these would have been grounds for a possible discharge. The repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell has made it possible for events like this to occur. --Jordan Valiantly

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 22:19 | 4504754 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Who cares anymore, Let them do whatever they want. This country is going to shit and they don't have much to look forward to anyway.

""There's probably a tidal wave of suicides coming," says Brian Kinsella, an Iraq war veteran who started Stop Soldier Suicide, a nonprofit group that works to raise awareness of suicide."

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 22:27 | 4504776 WayBehind
WayBehind's picture

I'm sure they will obey the order to go home. Hahaha what a joke! And Putin has a message for the US Department Of Defense "Go fuck yourself!"

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 22:44 | 4504890 ACP
ACP's picture

Or better yet, "Fuck a goat!"

I'm sure that's next on tap anyway.

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 22:49 | 4504916 Richard Chesler
Richard Chesler's picture

Offer them Obamacare!


Mon, 03/03/2014 - 23:01 | 4504966 SoberOne
SoberOne's picture

Control-z, stop. Control-p, print. Control-c, break!

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 23:15 | 4505035 Joe Davola
Joe Davola's picture

How about we go full Carter - let's boycott the olympics!

(Never go full Carter.)

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 23:30 | 4505078 Captain Kink
Captain Kink's picture

LOL +1

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 00:00 | 4505186 Bill the Cat
Bill the Cat's picture


Tue, 03/04/2014 - 00:12 | 4505208 Anusocracy
Anusocracy's picture

Isn't the Royal Australian Navy's motto "Never leave your mates behind"?

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 00:23 | 4505232 zerozulu
zerozulu's picture

Obama is taking this situation very seriously, he yelled at all interns.

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 01:08 | 4505312 MagicHandPuppet
MagicHandPuppet's picture

O'bambam just needs to go to that special place where they keep Lil' Bush and get him to use his super power of "seeing into Putin's sole" to find out just WTF is going on over there!

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 06:05 | 4505788 GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture



Emperor Chuck Hagel......stand down bitchez!


Tap this thing on?

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 23:20 | 4505047 jimmytorpedo
jimmytorpedo's picture

I just got an executive order to come to bed.

Fortunately, my wife is better looking than any politician.

Although she does keep smiling when she fucks me,...

Maybe she is from the government?

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 23:41 | 4505116 scrappy
scrappy's picture

Great plan!

No 3 am calls for this Exec!



Tue, 03/04/2014 - 01:02 | 4505302 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

You are setting yourself up for some prime Boris here. These threads are prime Boris magnet. Where he is!

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 04:47 | 4505707 BringOnTheAsteroid
BringOnTheAsteroid's picture

He's been subscripted by Putin, where else.

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 23:27 | 4505068 Independent
Independent's picture

The Russian troops are home, they are in Crimea

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 23:36 | 4505101 Wahooo
Wahooo's picture

If nothing else comes of this, I hope our banking system is destroyed.

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 01:05 | 4505308 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Zion is just another system of control. We need to balance the equation.

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 02:13 | 4505495 TheRideNeverEnds
TheRideNeverEnds's picture

That is not going to happen, just buy the dip we will be making new highs by Wednesday. 

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 23:28 | 4505070 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Just when I thought it could not get more ridiculous, it went to the sublime.

If somebody told me this even a year ago, I would've told them they were wearing their tinfoil hat too long. Now, given that truth is stranger than fiction or conspiracy, I am inclined to take my 'hat' off to the Conspiracy Theory cum Conspiracy Fact crowd.

Bones, where is my tinfoil hat!?
And Scotty, you sandbagger you, how are the repairs on the photon torpedoes coming along?

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 23:33 | 4505093 Captain Kink
Captain Kink's picture

Read "The Next 100 Years", by Friedman. or Freidman...

Captain to Captain, it is a worthwhile read.

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 00:27 | 4505238 Cacete de Ouro
Cacete de Ouro's picture

I always thought you were the same person. Now I'm confused

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 01:11 | 4505319 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

He has an altered ego, and an alternate too.

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 04:08 | 4505675 matrix2012
matrix2012's picture

"The Next 100 Years; A Forecast for the 21st Century" by Dr. George Friedman, both pdf and audiobook are available for dl at KAT

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 23:55 | 4505169 ArrestBobRubin
ArrestBobRubin's picture

Mine is made of silverfoil, I hammered it out of a single SAE.

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 05:02 | 4505727 ebear
ebear's picture

I hate to break it to you guys, but tinfoil actually concentrates the mind control rays.  

I mean, seriously, how do you think those people got so weird?

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 00:17 | 4505221 astitchintime
astitchintime's picture

Kirk, my sentiments exactly.

Scotty, beam me up, there are no intelligent life forms here!

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 01:10 | 4505316 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Well Kirk, Sarah Palin told you in 2000 fricken EIGHT that Putin would probably invade Ukraine given senator obama's statements and actions, IF Obama was elected. How's that for strange!

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 01:39 | 4505385 jez
jez's picture

Picture the scene, as Russian troops drop their weapons and wander off in an easterly direction.


"Oi you," shouts an officer. "Where the fuck d'you think you're going?"


"Sorry to say goodbye, captain,' says one of the passing troops, "but you see, the thing is, there is a higher authority involved. The United States Department of Defense has "called on" us to return to our bases. So that's where we are going. I'm sure you understand."


Just imagine -- that exact scene is being played out at various locations across Crimea AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 22:24 | 4504778 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

101st Fuck Each Other In The Ass Division

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 04:24 | 4505684 Zero Point
Zero Point's picture

There's a reason those eagles scream.

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 22:28 | 4504799 Oldwood
Oldwood's picture

Because we are not allowed to care.

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 22:28 | 4504802 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

I once had a Vietnam vet pour his heart out to me. High school football star, went off to war. Came back and the VA offered him a choice of drugs. Many more drugs and a two day PCP coma, extreme homelessness, and twelve DUIs later, he was chatting with me at a local picnic area in the hills. He was screaming "I FUCKED UP! I FUCKED UP!" to me one point in the conversation. bigPharm can fuck you up worse than any war.

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 22:30 | 4504813 TungstenBars
TungstenBars's picture

I blame the US military for that one. They think of their soldiers as slaves until eventually as liabilities. 

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 22:47 | 4504872 Bonapartist
Bonapartist's picture

The best way to use the military to your own gains is to never get sent to overseas combat but end up with some bullshit "disability" discharge like one of my neighbors after about 12 years served in the Air Force after attending the AF Academy- he gets a fucking awesome pension, insurance for his family, even a handicapped parking pass( he thinks that is hilarious)and the fucker does all kind of strenuous physical activities w/ no problem. He owns a "disabled vet contracting company" and gets a shitload of VA business steered his way.

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 23:14 | 4505025 Rusty Shorts
Rusty Shorts's picture

Huntington Beach CA???

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 23:29 | 4505067 Bonapartist
Bonapartist's picture

SW Chi-town burbs. He just bought himself the ultimate douchemobile- a $50K Ford Raptor.

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 23:45 | 4505129 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Jesus dude, he pulled a sweet lifelong scam and he gets a fucking Raptor? Better than an Escalade, I suppose. My friend and I deduced that it costs $2000 a year to maintain an Escalade, getting worse after five years.

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 23:59 | 4505173 Bonapartist
Bonapartist's picture

12000 miles a year= $3500 in gas alone.

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 00:16 | 4505217 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Gas is a sunk cost. I'm talking about 2k/yr in maintenance to keep the thing running everyday.

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 01:14 | 4505328 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

And the lifelong shame and karmic disaster of having fed the UAW.

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 23:00 | 4504956 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

"Your country loves you.  Thanks for putting your body and soul through the grist mill for the MIC.

Have a nice day, and remember to gesticulate when you pass a Boeing, Raytheon, or Chase Manhattan Bank"

Yeah, like that.

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 23:15 | 4505034 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

Grist for the Mill, Bitchez!

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 00:09 | 4505204 piceridu
piceridu's picture

Let's just keep making "war is honorable propaganda films". How many young souls need to many young souls need to get their arms and legs blown off before they realize they've been played?

How many children of rich familes or politicians die or are mamed for their flag? Being mamed or killed is a monopoly held by poor and middle class kids. Let's not blame the drugs administered by the VA for a soldier or vet to want to kill himself...just ask Smedley Butler, he'll tell you why.

Mon, 03/03/2014 - 23:28 | 4505071 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

I wonder how the troops that abided by their oath, though not easy, and refused to go are doing?!

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 00:05 | 4505199 Anusocracy
Anusocracy's picture


My take on those soldiers who commit suicide is that they are the ones most likely to have a conscience. Sad.

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 06:20 | 4505807 silvermail
silvermail's picture

Putin's adviser on economics Sergei Glazyev said :
- Russia will abandon the dollar.
- And also Russia will create its currency system , together with China and other countries.
- And also Russia will abandon all public U.S. Treasuries.
- And also Russia will refuse to return any U.S. loans .
- And also Russia will arrest all assets of the United States and the West.
- And also Russian will stop all Russian oil and gas supplies to Europe. Oil and gas from Russia will go to China.
- And also Russia already has banned the import of meat from the United States.

Goodbye dollar, hello gold. Goodbye to the United States and the West, hello China and East.

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