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Nobel Peace Prize Winning Caption Contest

Tyler Durden's picture




 

1-800-TaylorMade or 1-900-Vladimir? You decide...

 

 

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Sat, 03/08/2014 - 19:54 | 4526145 whoknoz
whoknoz's picture

"Yes, if you have salvaged any of those balls in the water hazard, I want them back"

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 19:58 | 4526164 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

Obviously, it should go to the chick who quit her job as newsreader live on-air!  What was her name?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:00 | 4526178 666
666's picture

I said pepperoni and mushrooms, NOT anchovies!

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:17 | 4526238 HyBrasilian
HyBrasilian's picture

anchovies are 'KOSHER'... right?... I don't want to piss off my bosses before I tee it up on the BACK 9...

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:23 | 4526264 negative rates
negative rates's picture

Look ma, no hands!

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:33 | 4526312 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Yeah, Vlad, I'm pretending to drive a car right now.  I play a lot of Mario Kart 3.  Secret Service won't let me drive myself around any more.  You know how it goes.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:44 | 4526357 wintermute
wintermute's picture

"Hey, Vlad, forget about this Ukraine stuff, I am more interested in how you can get three presidential terms when the law only allows two..."

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:47 | 4526371 JohnG
JohnG's picture

I have a phone and a pen!

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:00 | 4526414 Soul Glow
Soul Glow's picture

He looks fresh off the golf course.  I wonder if he is wearing his spikes in his office.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:10 | 4526422 Looney
Looney's picture

Vlad: BeeRRack, just mind your own beeZZeeness, hang a few hundRReid bankers, and youRR countRRee veeell be just fine. A-GAY-N! ;-)

Looney (???)

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:11 | 4526455 johnQpublic
johnQpublic's picture

they let me drive the golf cart today and i held my hands like this....

 

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:19 | 4526486 Manthong
Manthong's picture

"Cut to the chase Vlad.. tee time in 30 minutes and Marine One is waiting."

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:39 | 4526559 StacksOnStacks
StacksOnStacks's picture

"Oh Gloroius One, please spare me, I am but a weak puppet... I am invalid. I praise onto thee that maybe I will be spared and allowed to live a life of parasitic sin, leaching off those less fraudulent than I. Oh, Glorious One, I beg of thee."

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 22:28 | 4526653 cifo
cifo's picture

Who took this photo?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 22:52 | 4526704 old naughty
old naughty's picture

"Enough already, Vlad bro, I got to get out swinging." 

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 23:32 | 4526796 Vampyroteuthis ...
Vampyroteuthis infernalis's picture

Vlad, I am having a 4 hour erection after taking Viagra. Should I call my doctor? We all know you are the only man running a superpower these days.

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 00:14 | 4526878 flacon
flacon's picture

"Let me be clear! I did not have sex with that woman Monica Lewinski!"

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 01:56 | 4527019 12ToothAssassin
12ToothAssassin's picture

Naw, BO is boning Helle Thoring Schmidt.

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 05:44 | 4527156 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

 "Hello, dis Peggy. How are we helping?" "I need a larger credit line to start a war with Russia..." Click.

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 08:14 | 4527222 TwoShortPlanks
TwoShortPlanks's picture
Obama: "Okay, let me get this straight Putin; your exit plan for Crimea is to build a wall?!"

Putin: "two....maybe three"

Obama: "haven't we been here before?"...

Putin: "Nyet, that was Ulbricht and Khrushchev"

Obama: "No-no, I mean that solution doesn't work"

Putin: "Tell that to your Israeli friends"

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:20 | 4526491 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

Now Valerie. Let me get this straight. You want me to say, "My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes."? But didn't Reagan already use that line?

Valerie Jarrett replies, "Just shut up, and say it tonight. The stupid people won't remember who said it first. Your base will think you have balls and you'll be a hit with the neo-cons."

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 10:03 | 4527326 Bendromeda Strain
Bendromeda Strain's picture

"Yes Uncle Wormwood, I understand..."

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:05 | 4526434 Hooter Shaker
Hooter Shaker's picture

"Can I get a bucket of fried chicken, corn on the cob,  mashed potatoes and gravy delivered to 1600 Pennsylvania?"

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:28 | 4526471 Looney
Looney's picture

In our country, Vladimir, mashed potatoes are racist. With or without the wings. BTW, want some genetically modified pot before Gen. Alexander starts making those "beep-beep-beep" sounds with his ass? ;-)

Looney 

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:01 | 4526418 BC6
BC6's picture

I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 00:12 | 4526874 dukofhazzard
dukofhazzard's picture

You know, Vlad, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running, and I'm no slouch myself.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:17 | 4526477 zerozulu
zerozulu's picture

OK, OK arrest me than.

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 00:28 | 4526907 Antifaschistische
Antifaschistische's picture

"Are you recording this call?  I'm not recording this call."

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 00:40 | 4526926 dukofhazzard
dukofhazzard's picture

easeplay! easeplay! easeplay! utpay ityay inyay ymay outhmay!

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:25 | 4526266 svayambhu108
svayambhu108's picture

Where's the nearest consulate to ... ?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:27 | 4526285 wallstreetapost...
wallstreetaposteriori's picture

Putin....Can I please drink my Whitehouse Starbucks yet... its a mochachino....C'mon man.... I surrender..

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:37 | 4526332 BraveSirRobin
BraveSirRobin's picture

Reggie, no, no, no! You hold tight and jiggle with your left hand. I hold tight and jiggle with my right!

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:22 | 4526500 Martial
Martial's picture

"The Cold War? Well, that's not really my thing. Call Gore if you want to talk about climate change."

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:07 | 4526208 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Lois Lerner ;-)

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:49 | 4526377 SuperRay
SuperRay's picture

Here's what you do - get a big knife, some sulfuric acid, and a shitload of lyme...

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 12:16 | 4527618 Cpl Hicks
Cpl Hicks's picture

Lye, and it comes in 25 lb. bags.

Very handy for those clean up jobs.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:50 | 4526375 Jumbotron
Jumbotron's picture

You know Vlad....that Wookie of mine has my balls in a vice ever since Mandela's funeral when she caught me flirting with that hot blonde.  I mean....just like this.  Oh...right....you can't see.

What ?  Fuck you !  I'm NOT an idiot !

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:55 | 4526387 JuliaS
JuliaS's picture

Obama's phone comes with a built-in teleprompter.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:10 | 4526453 Husk-Erzulie
Husk-Erzulie's picture

Good lord, you're right... he's reading the little telepromter screen.  That's great. 

For one posed picture it's all denim (what a hot look) now he's super cash'l dude in chinos and a golf shirt?  Get this fucker a track suit already.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 23:22 | 4526769 Flybyknight
Flybyknight's picture

I am not a puppet Vlad Not! Not! Not! I am not even looking at my teleprompter

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 05:49 | 4527159 ugmug
ugmug's picture

Vlad...I hear you finally broke 90 on the golf course...I usually break wind.....

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 22:57 | 4526717 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 04:43 | 4527119 -NaN-
-NaN-'s picture

Greetings, this is the Presidentof the United States

We have a problem. 
The companies want something done about this sluggish 
world economic situation
Profits have been running a little thin lately 
and we need to stimulate some growth
Now we know 
there's an alarmingly high number of young people roaming 
around in your country with nothing to do but stir up trouble 
for the police and damage private property. 
It doesn't look like they'll ever get a job
It's about time we did something constructive with these people
We've got thousands of 'em here too. They're crawling all over
The companies think it's time we all sit down, have a serious get-together-
And start another war
Putin? 
He loves the idea! All those missiles streaming overhead to and fro
Napalm
People running down the road, skin on fire
The Soviets seem up for it:
The Kremlin's been itching for the real thing for years. 
Hell, Afghanistan's no fun
So whadya say?
We don't even have to win this war. 
We just want to cut down on some of this excess population
Now look. Just start up a draft; draft as many of those people as you can. 
We'll call up every last youngster we can get our hands on, 
hand 'em some speed, give 'em an hour or two to learn how to use 
an automatic rifle and send 'em on their way
Libya? El Salvador? How 'bout Northern Ireland? 
Or a "moderately repressive regime" in South America?
We'll just cook up a good Soviet threat story 
in the Middle East-we need that oil
We had Libya all ready to go and Colonel Khadafy's hit squad 
didn't even show up. I tell ya
That man is unreliable. 
The Kremlin had their fingers on the button just like we did for that one
Now just think for a minute-We can make this war so big-so BIG
The more people we kill in this war, the more the economy will prosper
We can get rid of practically everybody on your dole queue if we plan this right. 
Take every loafer on welfare right off our computer rolls
Now don't worry about demonstrations-just pump up your drug supply.
So many people have hooked themselves on heroin 
and amphetamines since we took over, it's just like Vietnam. 
We had everybody so busy with LSD they never got too strong. 
Kept the war functioning just fine
It's easy. 
We've got our college kids so interested in beer 
they don't even care if we start manufacturing germ bombs again. 
Put a nuclear stockpile in their back yard, 
they wouldn't even know what it looked like
So how 'bout it? Look-War is money. 
The arms manufacturers tell me unless 
we get our bomb factories up to full production 
the whole economy is going to collapse
The Soviets are in the same boat. 
We all agree the time has come for the big one, so whadya say?!?
That's excellent. We knew you'd agree
The companies will be very pleased.
Sun, 03/09/2014 - 07:13 | 4527195 Metalredneck
Metalredneck's picture

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys.  With Maggie moaning in the background.

Mon, 03/10/2014 - 00:05 | 4529511 -NaN-
-NaN-'s picture

thanks for noticing.  "OOOoooOOOh, that was marvelous"  :)  Bleed for meeeee

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 19:54 | 4526146 dow jones 20000
dow jones 20000's picture

good old Alfred Nobel is rolling in his grave!

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:09 | 4526197 HyBrasilian
HyBrasilian's picture

No he's fucking not... He [NOBEL] invented DYN-O-MITE!... This fucking [Chicago~Harvard dropout~Occidental droupout~Hawaiian~Indonesian~Manchurian candidate~KENYAN] fuck is his WET DREAM...

~~~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v19PpD5uqL0

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:13 | 4526229 logicalman
logicalman's picture

I think the Nobel prize was his way of atonement.

Oppenheimer's quote regarding the first A bomb fits the mind set of someone who invented something they then realise the consequences of.

Richard Feynman pretty much said as much.

"Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." J. Robert Oppenheimer?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:22 | 4526286 HyBrasilian
HyBrasilian's picture

Oh yeah... POOR dumb fuck jew Oppenheimer...

<~~~ [obligatory AIPAC 'junk' here... How many of you are on staff 2nite anyway]?

 

"I made myself a cheesepopebuck FORTUNE ~ then fucked up THE WORLD"... Well it wasn't really ME [who fucked up the world]... I just chased the PAPER PONZI during my time on the stage... I cashed out on top ~ hope you other fucks are as lucky as my TOUCAN SAM beak was...

My heart aches... Let's make a Hollywood movie out of his heroism... then ~ have an annual ceremony to WORSHIP our achievements [even though ~ back in the DARK AGES ~ all, long lost 'knowledge'  of mathematics, algebra, & medicine, was STOLEN from the persians & arabs ~ while WE had spent our last 1,500 years fucking goats & worshipping golden calves ~ which, apparently, is our 'CHOSEN' destiny ~ when we're not busy EDITORIALIZING otherwise so that future generations of 15yo teenage daughters can... OMG... withhold PUSSY from their future husbands in the name of PEACE]...

Because OBAMNAETANYAHU

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 22:00 | 4526600 logicalman
logicalman's picture

I'd rarely reccommend this to anyone, but in your case I'll make an exception.

PLEASE GET ON SOME KIND OF MEDICATION

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 06:09 | 4527166 AGAU
AGAU's picture

Where is Hybrasil?

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 12:13 | 4527608 Cpl Hicks
Cpl Hicks's picture

Go east of the moon,
South of Lower Slobbovia
And way, way left of Nevernever Land.

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 12:26 | 4527655 Wen_Dat
Wen_Dat's picture

Always thought it was off the coast of Ireland. 

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 13:12 | 4527768 Balanced Integer
Balanced Integer's picture

Francis_Sawyer? Is that you?!

Hey guy! Welcome back to the Hedge!

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 00:06 | 4526867 Oldwood
Oldwood's picture

After practicing for months on his X-box, Barry feels finally ready to go to war. If he only had his controller in hand to have the confidence to tell Vlad exactly what he thinks of him!

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 19:54 | 4526147 bepah1
bepah1's picture

No; really, Vladimir, you really don't have to do anything!

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 19:54 | 4526149 Afloat150
Afloat150's picture

So, how many stone crabs in a serving?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 19:55 | 4526151 LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

He got an Obamaphone.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:06 | 4526201 nmewn
nmewn's picture

lol.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 23:53 | 4526801 wee-weed up
wee-weed up's picture

 

 

Are you kidding?...

His handlers would never let him near one of those...

Dumb sheeple voter grabbing devices in a million years!

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 19:55 | 4526153 Afloat150
Afloat150's picture

The Key lime comes with whipped cream?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 19:56 | 4526154 nonclaim
nonclaim's picture

"Wookie, love, nobody wants a selfie with me after that scene you made the other day!"

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 19:55 | 4526155 Afloat150
Afloat150's picture

Hello, room service?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 19:57 | 4526161 The man with po...
The man with pointy horns's picture

My momma said politics is like a box of chocolates, you never know what to expect.

<Putin hangs up>

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 19:58 | 4526163 blindman
blindman's picture

"look, i have been on hold for 5 years and i'm
really going to hang up if you cannot give me
a delivery date for the new furniture. so when ...
oh ... yea, i'll hold." p.b.h.o.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 19:58 | 4526168 Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill's picture

Reggie and I don't want any interuptions,keep a look out for the Wookie.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 19:59 | 4526171 taraxias
taraxias's picture

"Vlad I don't get a chance for another election so I can do a lot more after I am gone"

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 19:59 | 4526173 BrigstockBoy
BrigstockBoy's picture

"Come'on, I need at least 3 mulligans a side..."

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 19:59 | 4526175 Smegley Wanxalot
Smegley Wanxalot's picture

"I've been trying to sign up for obamacare for 17 hours now and ... hello?  hello??"

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:00 | 4526177 erkme73
erkme73's picture

Do these clenched fists make me look tough?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:24 | 4526268 BlackChicken
BlackChicken's picture

Chuck Norris couldn't make that sissy look tough.

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 05:12 | 4527138 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

Actually it looks like he's thinking about  how it feels to be handcuffed...but we know that's never gonna happen.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:00 | 4526180 LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

No, you can't talk to my supervisor.  Hold please.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:02 | 4526187 dbTX
dbTX's picture

I need a mulligan !

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:03 | 4526190 Tim Knight from...
Tim Knight from Slope of Hope's picture

singing: I got the Presidential Seal. I'm up on the Presidential poooo-di-um...

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:09 | 4526449 Fred Hayek
Fred Hayek's picture

Why wouldn't his mama love him like a rock? He's as dumb as one.

He couldn't spell the word "respect" in the course of introducing Aretha Franklin at the White House. Can't spell it, doesn't deserve it.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:03 | 4526192 Stinko da Munk
Stinko da Munk's picture

Hi, I'd like to sign up for your "Big Biceps Fast" class. 

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:05 | 4526194 nmewn
nmewn's picture

"Vlad, I need some pointers on how to make it appear that I actually know what I'm doing. Whats that? Well, I don't think bombing Brussels will help my PR problems but I'll order it anyways if you think so, right after my tee time. What? Yes, plausible deniability, I understand. I'm getting the hang of this now.

Thanks again!"

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:06 | 4526205 LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

Vlad, tell the truth.  Do you have your shirt off?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:08 | 4526209 lasvegaspersona
lasvegaspersona's picture

What's that chord hanging off the headset....almost looks like ....nah...its the White House..only the most modern facilties on the planet...

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:06 | 4526437 Being Free
Being Free's picture

Probably a dial under the scorecard too.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:09 | 4526218 max2205
max2205's picture

Photoshopped

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:19 | 4526245 Mr Pink
Mr Pink's picture

Anyone see that youtube video showing how the old pic of young Obozo on the park bench with his grandparents was photoshopped?

Is there anything real about this ass clown?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:17 | 4526474 BlackChicken
BlackChicken's picture

Yes.

He is a lame excuse for a President; that's unfortunately true and real.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:19 | 4526489 Husk-Erzulie
Husk-Erzulie's picture

This one?  "That MAac Daddy Hussein...."  Stuff's great... pretty good analysis as well.

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 11:31 | 4527538 Angus McHugepenis
Angus McHugepenis's picture

Rev. Manning missed the biggest photoshop error. Old Stanley's arm around Barecrack is at the wrong angle. Look at his shoulder then compare it to where his hand is around Barecrack's neck. Unless he's got a 4' long forearm there's no way he could pull that off in reality.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:26 | 4526275 Taint Boil
Taint Boil's picture

Looks legit to me ….

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:10 | 4526219 JailBanksters
JailBanksters's picture

Hey Mubarak ol' buddy, so what would you do ?

How about a round of golf then this afternoon?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:11 | 4526222 loveyajimbo
loveyajimbo's picture

Hello?  Oreo Boys Rough Riders Escort service???  Eh?  Switchboard???  Shit, I was just kiddin'!!!!

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:07 | 4526442 Being Free
Being Free's picture

+10,000

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:13 | 4526227 Salt
Salt's picture

"You've mowed the fairways and trimmed the greens? Allrighty then."

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:13 | 4526228 BullyBearish
BullyBearish's picture

So...what do I do next, Hillary?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:13 | 4526231 covertress
covertress's picture

 

 

"I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you."

 

--  Gloria Gaynor, "I Will Survive"

 

 

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:54 | 4526234 JustObserving
JustObserving's picture

How about a Nobel Prize for Hubris and Hypocrisy? I need a spare.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:17 | 4526241 logicalman
logicalman's picture

So, there's this prize - the guy that invented dyamite came up with it.....

Which piece do I get?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:17 | 4526242 JustPrintMoreDuh
JustPrintMoreDuh's picture

1-800-DUMB-ASS

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:22 | 4526261 Cycle
Cycle's picture

1-800-BAD-IDEA

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:17 | 4526243 adr
adr's picture

What do you mean my wife died on Kashyyyk, I clearly saw her put Yoda in that escape pod.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:20 | 4526256 Son of Captain Nemo
Son of Captain Nemo's picture

Wonder how important that caption contest will be when he and Congress unofficially starts World War III and he won't be around to enjoy the honors cause he'll be dead!

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:40 | 4526344 BraveSirRobin
BraveSirRobin's picture

He and the rest of the government will be the last to die in WWIII. They all have fancy bunkers to run off to and hide in. Death in war is reserved for the little people, you know, me and you.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:34 | 4526540 Son of Captain Nemo
Son of Captain Nemo's picture

Just think how all the servants taking care of him in that bunker will feel once it sinks in that they have all those resources and money and nowhere to spend it because everything will need to be "rebuilt" if they are that unlucky to still be around.  Got to come up top sooner or later and I sure as hell wouldn't want to be breathing that atmosphere when all gets said and done.

Wouldn't want to be Barry and the first family dealing with that kind of tension from the help staff!

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:21 | 4526259 adr
adr's picture

Um, yes I clearly see in your Obamacare mandated calorie printout that you list your coffee as a venti. I have one here and it's clearly 16 ounces. Please let the barrista know I have a drone on standby.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:23 | 4526263 1stepcloser
1stepcloser's picture

Tiger my game sucked today...hows the back...nice 91 foot putt

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:24 | 4526271 Robert of Ottawa
Robert of Ottawa's picture

So Vlad, you will still support me for Chairman of the Worl UN

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:26 | 4526276 adr
adr's picture

This new script I got says I'm supposed to give a speech on Wednesday. You know by the terms of my contract I only play president on Tuesdays and Thursdays with one half a Saturday each month.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:26 | 4526279 Hubbs
Hubbs's picture

Nobel peace prize is a figure of speach. Bomb, baby, bomb!

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 00:02 | 4526288 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture

Another wedding party?  In Somalia?  Launch the drones.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:28 | 4526291 Yancey Ward
Yancey Ward's picture

"Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, Michelle, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?"

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:29 | 4526296 Snoopy the Economist
Snoopy the Economist's picture

What a fucking wimp this guy is. My forearms are at least 3x my wrist diameter - his ratio is about 1:1. Has he never worked out with weights?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:03 | 4526426 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Question: "Has he never worked out with weights?"

Answer: He has never worked.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 23:36 | 4526792 NeedleDickTheBu...
NeedleDickTheBugFucker's picture

"You have city hands, Mr. Hooper...been countin' money all your life."

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:30 | 4526300 Tinky
Tinky's picture

"Fire away! Who else would be using his cell phone?"

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:33 | 4526311 q99x2
q99x2's picture

What do you mean I can't quit?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:33 | 4526313 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

"I'm in my flexible pose, but I have to sound tough, yet peaceful; what do you suggest Vladimir?"

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:36 | 4526329 One And Only
One And Only's picture

Obama is probably one of the best Presidents in our nations HISTORY. People just need to give the guy a break, look at the problems he's had to face.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 22:50 | 4526700 Eahudimac
Eahudimac's picture

Dude, fuck off.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 23:33 | 4526799 Flybyknight
Flybyknight's picture

Obama's election was heralded around the world as his words mean't most anticipated a presidency that would alter the course of the United States. Unfortunately he has been unable or unwilling to live up to expectations and anyone who has followed his policies about the NSA , Whistle blowers, Guantanamo, Wall street fraud, Health care, Corporate power, Ukraine  and so on would have to say unwilling. Oh..... well done on the gay rights thing. 

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 23:50 | 4526835 unbeing
unbeing's picture

Damn, I puked a bit.

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 00:26 | 4526904 One And Only
One And Only's picture

You've all been trolled fuckers.

Mon, 03/10/2014 - 01:10 | 4529572 unbeing
unbeing's picture

Is it possible to troll a troll?  Is that the online equivalent or two wrongs not making a right?

Sun, 03/09/2014 - 12:03 | 4527586 Peanut Butter E...
Peanut Butter Engineer's picture

@ one and only
TD 100 times for you, obviously you must be lost in the web of news, you need to know this is ZH news were we use logic and reasoning to see things (or try to at least) but definitely not a huffpuff news that just amplify your NSA propaganda.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:38 | 4526334 goldhedge
goldhedge's picture

Who took my XBox controller?.

How the fuck am I going to show the guys at NATO my game plan?

 

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:40 | 4526345 Korbin Dallas
Korbin Dallas's picture

Ben Affleck said, "Act As If" so here I am, acting as if I have vlad's lapels in my little fists: "Let me be perfectly clear!"

And guys, next time get rid of the YELLOW phone for the photo op!

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:43 | 4526351 trip kitchen
trip kitchen's picture

Hello Vladimir, my name Peggy, how may I help you?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:43 | 4526354 general ambivalent
general ambivalent's picture

Keep your enemies close and yr enmies evin closr'. Er....

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:45 | 4526360 ptolemy_newit
ptolemy_newit's picture

"your scrolling the text too fast for me to read"

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:45 | 4526362 NoWayJose
NoWayJose's picture

OK Putin, I'll get our Fed to print a few more billion and get them to you by tomorrow... and no, I don't know what Merkel wants to do about the Ukraine - she's been pretty nasty toward me since that phone thing...

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:42 | 4526372 Racer
Racer's picture

'These new invisible Asteroids hand controls are a bitch'

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:51 | 4526384 silverstud
silverstud's picture

Listen here Putin

I have a drone's machine gun lined up at your head right now. All I have to do is move my thumbs and you are dead meat....

 

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:54 | 4526392 astoriajoe
astoriajoe's picture

Bill, what the....yeah, Ill hold.

Bill, wtf do I do?!?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:57 | 4526404 e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

"That's right, dude. I said a pound of white widow. Shit's about to get real and I don't know when I'll be able to call again."

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 20:57 | 4526405 Savyindallas
Savyindallas's picture

The peace prize is such a joke  -you may as well give it to OBAMA AGAIN. Or let's  give it to Kissinger as the elder peace statesman  -after all he did end the Vietnam war. He's a man of peace, right? Once his Tribesmen take over the world, there will be no more wars. We'll all be dead or too weak from hunger from slaving away building the 21st century equivalent of the great pyramids  -maybe we'll be used for slave labor on mars  -or maybe the moon.  

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:00 | 4526413 deepsouthdoug
deepsouthdoug's picture

You should see my 'fists of fury' pose I'm in right now!

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:02 | 4526423 Martial
Martial's picture

"vlad...vlad...it's me...yea i know we're not on good terms right now...but i'm here on vacation and about to wrestle michelle and really want to win just once...what was that take down move called again?"

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:05 | 4526429 djsmps
djsmps's picture

I've spent a week at the Ocean Reef Club in the late 1980s for a corporate meeting. It's nice. We ended the meetings hours early everyday so most people could play golf (I went snorkeling). I wonder what he's doing there,

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:04 | 4526433 Fred Hayek
Fred Hayek's picture

"There are . . . THREE . . dictators ahead of you. Please hold the line and your manufactured revolution request will be answered in the order in which it was received."

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:06 | 4526436 Stuck on Zero
Stuck on Zero's picture

No honey ... please honey ... come on sugar cakes ... I know you're upset ... but ... but ... don't tell Michelle.

 

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:07 | 4526441 tony wilson
tony wilson's picture

hello

hello

vlad

as i was saying to dimtri

dimtee

ahh as i was sayin to medicare sorry medivedmedvedev whatever the other evil doer

i am ahh gonna

i am gonna be a lot more flexible after the next election

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:11 | 4526456 BudFox2012
BudFox2012's picture

General (offscreen): Sir, its confirmed, massive ICBM attack inbound, over missles tracking

Obama on phone:  Hello Jimmy Johns...

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:14 | 4526466 Raymond K Hessel
Raymond K Hessel's picture

Obama is listening to this guy on the line saying:

“I am trash and shit and crazy to you and this whole fucking world. You don't care where I live or how I feel, or what I eat or how I feed my kids or how I pay the doctor if I get sick, and yes I am stupid ad bored and weak, but I am still your responsibility.”

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:17 | 4526478 Raymond K Hessel
Raymond K Hessel's picture

“What you have to understand, is your father was your model for God. 

If you're male and you're Christian and living in America, your father is your model for God. And if you never know your father, if your father bails out or dies or is never at home, what do you believe about God?

What you end up doing is you spend your life searching for a father and God. 

What you have to consider is the possibility that God doesn't like you. Could be, God hates us. This is not the worst thing that can happen.” 

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:19 | 4526488 _SILENCER
_SILENCER's picture

Ok Reggie. I'll see you then. Wear that leather zipper mask I like and make sure the floor around the glory hole is clean.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:20 | 4526494 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Yes Vlad, the dollar is a farce, but so is the Ruble.

Yes Vlad, you owe us one because we ran your country into the ground financially because of the arms race.

Yes Vlad, the world's financial, energy, and food systems are collapsing as we speak. 

Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, hang with me here for just a little longer now, m-kay? Stay with me. 

What do you mean you guys are going to win because you had your collapse first?

What do you mean the resource grab is "on?" What?

Don't. Don't hang up. 

 

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:21 | 4526497 RobCrash
RobCrash's picture

Meet at the boat house Reggie.  I love you more than you will ever know.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:25 | 4526510 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

KILL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:27 | 4526517 I Write Code
I Write Code's picture

Fifteen dollars a minute?  This better be good.

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:35 | 4526541 Roscoe
Roscoe's picture

"So Vlad, congrats to all of us, buddy, on your new aquisition, it all went just like you said. Now, Michelle and the kids are already buggin' me about booking our promsed Crimean vacation. So what do say? I did my part, now it's Black Sea vacay time for Big O and the gang! Which resort you got for me? I'm pretty much open for whenever.."

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:38 | 4526549 Infinite QE
Infinite QE's picture

"Reggie my love, what time are we meeting"?

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:39 | 4526555 beavertails
beavertails's picture

"Michele, show me some respect.  R-S-P-E-C-T" ... 

Sat, 03/08/2014 - 21:47 | 4526576 Itchy and Scratchy
Itchy and Scratchy's picture

How did I win that? I just started the job and haven't done anything yet?

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