Nobel Peace Prize Winning Caption Contest

Tyler Durden's picture

1-800-TaylorMade or 1-900-Vladimir? You decide...


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whoknoz's picture

"Yes, if you have salvaged any of those balls in the water hazard, I want them back"

TeamDepends's picture

Obviously, it should go to the chick who quit her job as newsreader live on-air!  What was her name?

666's picture

I said pepperoni and mushrooms, NOT anchovies!

HyBrasilian's picture

anchovies are 'KOSHER'... right?... I don't want to piss off my bosses before I tee it up on the BACK 9...

NoDebt's picture

Yeah, Vlad, I'm pretending to drive a car right now.  I play a lot of Mario Kart 3.  Secret Service won't let me drive myself around any more.  You know how it goes.

wintermute's picture

"Hey, Vlad, forget about this Ukraine stuff, I am more interested in how you can get three presidential terms when the law only allows two..."

JohnG's picture

I have a phone and a pen!

Soul Glow's picture

He looks fresh off the golf course.  I wonder if he is wearing his spikes in his office.

Looney's picture

Vlad: BeeRRack, just mind your own beeZZeeness, hang a few hundRReid bankers, and youRR countRRee veeell be just fine. A-GAY-N! ;-)

Looney (???)

johnQpublic's picture

they let me drive the golf cart today and i held my hands like this....


Manthong's picture

"Cut to the chase Vlad.. tee time in 30 minutes and Marine One is waiting."

StacksOnStacks's picture

"Oh Gloroius One, please spare me, I am but a weak puppet... I am invalid. I praise onto thee that maybe I will be spared and allowed to live a life of parasitic sin, leaching off those less fraudulent than I. Oh, Glorious One, I beg of thee."

old naughty's picture

"Enough already, Vlad bro, I got to get out swinging." 

Vampyroteuthis infernalis's picture

Vlad, I am having a 4 hour erection after taking Viagra. Should I call my doctor? We all know you are the only man running a superpower these days.

flacon's picture

"Let me be clear! I did not have sex with that woman Monica Lewinski!"

12ToothAssassin's picture

Naw, BO is boning Helle Thoring Schmidt.

krispkritter's picture

 "Hello, dis Peggy. How are we helping?" "I need a larger credit line to start a war with Russia..." Click.

TwoShortPlanks's picture
Obama: "Okay, let me get this straight Putin; your exit plan for Crimea is to build a wall?!"

Putin: "two....maybe three"

Obama: "haven't we been here before?"...

Putin: "Nyet, that was Ulbricht and Khrushchev"

Obama: "No-no, I mean that solution doesn't work"

Putin: "Tell that to your Israeli friends"

AlaricBalth's picture

Now Valerie. Let me get this straight. You want me to say, "My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes."? But didn't Reagan already use that line?

Valerie Jarrett replies, "Just shut up, and say it tonight. The stupid people won't remember who said it first. Your base will think you have balls and you'll be a hit with the neo-cons."

Bendromeda Strain's picture

"Yes Uncle Wormwood, I understand..."

Hooter Shaker's picture

"Can I get a bucket of fried chicken, corn on the cob,  mashed potatoes and gravy delivered to 1600 Pennsylvania?"

Looney's picture

In our country, Vladimir, mashed potatoes are racist. With or without the wings. BTW, want some genetically modified pot before Gen. Alexander starts making those "beep-beep-beep" sounds with his ass? ;-)


BC6's picture

I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?

dukofhazzard's picture

You know, Vlad, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running, and I'm no slouch myself.

zerozulu's picture

OK, OK arrest me than.

Antifaschistische's picture

"Are you recording this call?  I'm not recording this call."

dukofhazzard's picture

easeplay! easeplay! easeplay! utpay ityay inyay ymay outhmay!

svayambhu108's picture

Where's the nearest consulate to ... ?

wallstreetaposteriori's picture

Putin....Can I please drink my Whitehouse Starbucks yet... its a mochachino....C'mon man.... I surrender..

BraveSirRobin's picture

Reggie, no, no, no! You hold tight and jiggle with your left hand. I hold tight and jiggle with my right!

Martial's picture

"The Cold War? Well, that's not really my thing. Call Gore if you want to talk about climate change."

SuperRay's picture

Here's what you do - get a big knife, some sulfuric acid, and a shitload of lyme...

Cpl Hicks's picture

Lye, and it comes in 25 lb. bags.

Very handy for those clean up jobs.

Jumbotron's picture

You know Vlad....that Wookie of mine has my balls in a vice ever since Mandela's funeral when she caught me flirting with that hot blonde.  I mean....just like this. can't see.

What ?  Fuck you !  I'm NOT an idiot !

JuliaS's picture

Obama's phone comes with a built-in teleprompter.

Husk-Erzulie's picture

Good lord, you're right... he's reading the little telepromter screen.  That's great. 

For one posed picture it's all denim (what a hot look) now he's super cash'l dude in chinos and a golf shirt?  Get this fucker a track suit already.

Flybyknight's picture

I am not a puppet Vlad Not! Not! Not! I am not even looking at my teleprompter

ugmug's picture

Vlad...I hear you finally broke 90 on the golf course...I usually break wind.....

-NaN-'s picture

Greetings, this is the Presidentof the United States

We have a problem. 
The companies want something done about this sluggish 
world economic situation
Profits have been running a little thin lately 
and we need to stimulate some growth
Now we know 
there's an alarmingly high number of young people roaming 
around in your country with nothing to do but stir up trouble 
for the police and damage private property. 
It doesn't look like they'll ever get a job
It's about time we did something constructive with these people
We've got thousands of 'em here too. They're crawling all over
The companies think it's time we all sit down, have a serious get-together-
And start another war
He loves the idea! All those missiles streaming overhead to and fro
People running down the road, skin on fire
The Soviets seem up for it:
The Kremlin's been itching for the real thing for years. 
Hell, Afghanistan's no fun
So whadya say?
We don't even have to win this war. 
We just want to cut down on some of this excess population
Now look. Just start up a draft; draft as many of those people as you can. 
We'll call up every last youngster we can get our hands on, 
hand 'em some speed, give 'em an hour or two to learn how to use 
an automatic rifle and send 'em on their way
Libya? El Salvador? How 'bout Northern Ireland? 
Or a "moderately repressive regime" in South America?
We'll just cook up a good Soviet threat story 
in the Middle East-we need that oil
We had Libya all ready to go and Colonel Khadafy's hit squad 
didn't even show up. I tell ya
That man is unreliable. 
The Kremlin had their fingers on the button just like we did for that one
Now just think for a minute-We can make this war so big-so BIG
The more people we kill in this war, the more the economy will prosper
We can get rid of practically everybody on your dole queue if we plan this right. 
Take every loafer on welfare right off our computer rolls
Now don't worry about demonstrations-just pump up your drug supply.
So many people have hooked themselves on heroin 
and amphetamines since we took over, it's just like Vietnam. 
We had everybody so busy with LSD they never got too strong. 
Kept the war functioning just fine
It's easy. 
We've got our college kids so interested in beer 
they don't even care if we start manufacturing germ bombs again. 
Put a nuclear stockpile in their back yard, 
they wouldn't even know what it looked like
So how 'bout it? Look-War is money. 
The arms manufacturers tell me unless 
we get our bomb factories up to full production 
the whole economy is going to collapse
The Soviets are in the same boat. 
We all agree the time has come for the big one, so whadya say?!?
That's excellent. We knew you'd agree
The companies will be very pleased.
Metalredneck's picture

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys.  With Maggie moaning in the background.

-NaN-'s picture

thanks for noticing.  "OOOoooOOOh, that was marvelous"  :)  Bleed for meeeee

dow jones 20000's picture

good old Alfred Nobel is rolling in his grave!

HyBrasilian's picture

No he's fucking not... He [NOBEL] invented DYN-O-MITE!... This fucking [Chicago~Harvard dropout~Occidental droupout~Hawaiian~Indonesian~Manchurian candidate~KENYAN] fuck is his WET DREAM...


logicalman's picture

I think the Nobel prize was his way of atonement.

Oppenheimer's quote regarding the first A bomb fits the mind set of someone who invented something they then realise the consequences of.

Richard Feynman pretty much said as much.

"Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." J. Robert Oppenheimer?

HyBrasilian's picture

Oh yeah... POOR dumb fuck jew Oppenheimer...

<~~~ [obligatory AIPAC 'junk' here... How many of you are on staff 2nite anyway]?


"I made myself a cheesepopebuck FORTUNE ~ then fucked up THE WORLD"... Well it wasn't really ME [who fucked up the world]... I just chased the PAPER PONZI during my time on the stage... I cashed out on top ~ hope you other fucks are as lucky as my TOUCAN SAM beak was...

My heart aches... Let's make a Hollywood movie out of his heroism... then ~ have an annual ceremony to WORSHIP our achievements [even though ~ back in the DARK AGES ~ all, long lost 'knowledge'  of mathematics, algebra, & medicine, was STOLEN from the persians & arabs ~ while WE had spent our last 1,500 years fucking goats & worshipping golden calves ~ which, apparently, is our 'CHOSEN' destiny ~ when we're not busy EDITORIALIZING otherwise so that future generations of 15yo teenage daughters can... OMG... withhold PUSSY from their future husbands in the name of PEACE]...


logicalman's picture

I'd rarely reccommend this to anyone, but in your case I'll make an exception.