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1-800-TaylorMade or 1-900-Vladimir? You decide...
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"Yes, if you have salvaged any of those balls in the water hazard, I want them back"
Obviously, it should go to the chick who quit her job as newsreader live on-air! What was her name?
I said pepperoni and mushrooms, NOT anchovies!
anchovies are 'KOSHER'... right?... I don't want to piss off my bosses before I tee it up on the BACK 9...
Look ma, no hands!
Yeah, Vlad, I'm pretending to drive a car right now. I play a lot of Mario Kart 3. Secret Service won't let me drive myself around any more. You know how it goes.
"Hey, Vlad, forget about this Ukraine stuff, I am more interested in how you can get three presidential terms when the law only allows two..."
I have a phone and a pen!
He looks fresh off the golf course. I wonder if he is wearing his spikes in his office.
Vlad: BeeRRack, just mind your own beeZZeeness, hang a few hundRReid bankers, and youRR countRRee veeell be just fine. A-GAY-N! ;-)
they let me drive the golf cart today and i held my hands like this....
"Cut to the chase Vlad.. tee time in 30 minutes and Marine One is waiting."
"Oh Gloroius One, please spare me, I am but a weak puppet... I am invalid. I praise onto thee that maybe I will be spared and allowed to live a life of parasitic sin, leaching off those less fraudulent than I. Oh, Glorious One, I beg of thee."
Who took this photo?
"Enough already, Vlad bro, I got to get out swinging."
Vlad, I am having a 4 hour erection after taking Viagra. Should I call my doctor? We all know you are the only man running a superpower these days.
"Let me be clear! I did not have sex with that woman Monica Lewinski!"
Naw, BO is boning Helle Thoring Schmidt.
"Hello, dis Peggy. How are we helping?" "I need a larger credit line to start a war with Russia..." Click.
Putin: "two....maybe three"
Obama: "haven't we been here before?"...
Putin: "Nyet, that was Ulbricht and Khrushchev"
Obama: "No-no, I mean that solution doesn't work"
Putin: "Tell that to your Israeli friends"
Now Valerie. Let me get this straight. You want me to say, "My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes."? But didn't Reagan already use that line?
Valerie Jarrett replies, "Just shut up, and say it tonight. The stupid people won't remember who said it first. Your base will think you have balls and you'll be a hit with the neo-cons."
"Yes Uncle Wormwood, I understand..."
"Can I get a bucket of fried chicken, corn on the cob, mashed potatoes and gravy delivered to 1600 Pennsylvania?"
In our country, Vladimir, mashed potatoes are racist. With or without the wings. BTW, want some genetically modified pot before Gen. Alexander starts making those "beep-beep-beep" sounds with his ass? ;-)
I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?
You know, Vlad, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running, and I'm no slouch myself.
OK, OK arrest me than.
"Are you recording this call? I'm not recording this call."
easeplay! easeplay! easeplay! utpay ityay inyay ymay outhmay!
Where's the nearest consulate to ... ?
Putin....Can I please drink my Whitehouse Starbucks yet... its a mochachino....C'mon man.... I surrender..
Reggie, no, no, no! You hold tight and jiggle with your left hand. I hold tight and jiggle with my right!
"The Cold War? Well, that's not really my thing. Call Gore if you want to talk about climate change."
Lois Lerner ;-)
Here's what you do - get a big knife, some sulfuric acid, and a shitload of lyme...
Lye, and it comes in 25 lb. bags.
Very handy for those clean up jobs.
You know Vlad....that Wookie of mine has my balls in a vice ever since Mandela's funeral when she caught me flirting with that hot blonde. I mean....just like this. Oh...right....you can't see.
What ? Fuck you ! I'm NOT an idiot !
Obama's phone comes with a built-in teleprompter.
Good lord, you're right... he's reading the little telepromter screen. That's great.
For one posed picture it's all denim (what a hot look) now he's super cash'l dude in chinos and a golf shirt? Get this fucker a track suit already.
I am not a puppet Vlad Not! Not! Not! I am not even looking at my teleprompter
Vlad...I hear you finally broke 90 on the golf course...I usually break wind.....
Greetings, this is the Presidentof the United States
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys. With Maggie moaning in the background.
thanks for noticing. "OOOoooOOOh, that was marvelous" :) Bleed for meeeee
good old Alfred Nobel is rolling in his grave!
No he's fucking not... He [NOBEL] invented DYN-O-MITE!... This fucking [Chicago~Harvard dropout~Occidental droupout~Hawaiian~Indonesian~Manchurian candidate~KENYAN] fuck is his WET DREAM...
I think the Nobel prize was his way of atonement.
Oppenheimer's quote regarding the first A bomb fits the mind set of someone who invented something they then realise the consequences of.
Richard Feynman pretty much said as much.
"Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." J. Robert Oppenheimer?
Oh yeah... POOR dumb fuck jew Oppenheimer...
<~~~ [obligatory AIPAC 'junk' here... How many of you are on staff 2nite anyway]?
"I made myself a cheesepopebuck FORTUNE ~ then fucked up THE WORLD"... Well it wasn't really ME [who fucked up the world]... I just chased the PAPER PONZI during my time on the stage... I cashed out on top ~ hope you other fucks are as lucky as my TOUCAN SAM beak was...
My heart aches... Let's make a Hollywood movie out of his heroism... then ~ have an annual ceremony to WORSHIP our achievements [even though ~ back in the DARK AGES ~ all, long lost 'knowledge' of mathematics, algebra, & medicine, was STOLEN from the persians & arabs ~ while WE had spent our last 1,500 years fucking goats & worshipping golden calves ~ which, apparently, is our 'CHOSEN' destiny ~ when we're not busy EDITORIALIZING otherwise so that future generations of 15yo teenage daughters can... OMG... withhold PUSSY from their future husbands in the name of PEACE]...
I'd rarely reccommend this to anyone, but in your case I'll make an exception.
PLEASE GET ON SOME KIND OF MEDICATION
Where is Hybrasil?
Go east of the moon,
South of Lower Slobbovia
And way, way left of Nevernever Land.
Always thought it was off the coast of Ireland.
Francis_Sawyer? Is that you?!
Hey guy! Welcome back to the Hedge!
After practicing for months on his X-box, Barry feels finally ready to go to war. If he only had his controller in hand to have the confidence to tell Vlad exactly what he thinks of him!
No; really, Vladimir, you really don't have to do anything!
So, how many stone crabs in a serving?
He got an Obamaphone.
Are you kidding?...
His handlers would never let him near one of those...
Dumb sheeple voter grabbing devices in a million years!
The Key lime comes with whipped cream?
"Wookie, love, nobody wants a selfie with me after that scene you made the other day!"
Hello, room service?
My momma said politics is like a box of chocolates, you never know what to expect.
<Putin hangs up>
"look, i have been on hold for 5 years and i'm
really going to hang up if you cannot give me
a delivery date for the new furniture. so when ...
oh ... yea, i'll hold." p.b.h.o.
Reggie and I don't want any interuptions,keep a look out for the Wookie.
"Vlad I don't get a chance for another election so I can do a lot more after I am gone"
"Come'on, I need at least 3 mulligans a side..."
"I've been trying to sign up for obamacare for 17 hours now and ... hello? hello??"
Do these clenched fists make me look tough?
Chuck Norris couldn't make that sissy look tough.
Actually it looks like he's thinking about how it feels to be handcuffed...but we know that's never gonna happen.
No, you can't talk to my supervisor. Hold please.
I need a mulligan !
singing: I got the Presidential Seal. I'm up on the Presidential poooo-di-um...
Why wouldn't his mama love him like a rock? He's as dumb as one.
He couldn't spell the word "respect" in the course of introducing Aretha Franklin at the White House. Can't spell it, doesn't deserve it.
Hi, I'd like to sign up for your "Big Biceps Fast" class.
"Vlad, I need some pointers on how to make it appear that I actually know what I'm doing. Whats that? Well, I don't think bombing Brussels will help my PR problems but I'll order it anyways if you think so, right after my tee time. What? Yes, plausible deniability, I understand. I'm getting the hang of this now.
Vlad, tell the truth. Do you have your shirt off?
What's that chord hanging off the headset....almost looks like ....nah...its the White House..only the most modern facilties on the planet...
Probably a dial under the scorecard too.
Anyone see that youtube video showing how the old pic of young Obozo on the park bench with his grandparents was photoshopped?
Is there anything real about this ass clown?
He is a lame excuse for a President; that's unfortunately true and real.
This one? "That MAac Daddy Hussein...." Stuff's great... pretty good analysis as well.
Rev. Manning missed the biggest photoshop error. Old Stanley's arm around Barecrack is at the wrong angle. Look at his shoulder then compare it to where his hand is around Barecrack's neck. Unless he's got a 4' long forearm there's no way he could pull that off in reality.
Looks legit to me ….
Hey Mubarak ol' buddy, so what would you do ?
How about a round of golf then this afternoon?
Hello? Oreo Boys Rough Riders Escort service??? Eh? Switchboard??? Shit, I was just kiddin'!!!!
"You've mowed the fairways and trimmed the greens? Allrighty then."
So...what do I do next, Hillary?
"I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you."
-- Gloria Gaynor, "I Will Survive"
How about a Nobel Prize for Hubris and Hypocrisy? I need a spare.
So, there's this prize - the guy that invented dyamite came up with it.....
Which piece do I get?
What do you mean my wife died on Kashyyyk, I clearly saw her put Yoda in that escape pod.
Wonder how important that caption contest will be when he and Congress unofficially starts World War III and he won't be around to enjoy the honors cause he'll be dead!
He and the rest of the government will be the last to die in WWIII. They all have fancy bunkers to run off to and hide in. Death in war is reserved for the little people, you know, me and you.
Just think how all the servants taking care of him in that bunker will feel once it sinks in that they have all those resources and money and nowhere to spend it because everything will need to be "rebuilt" if they are that unlucky to still be around. Got to come up top sooner or later and I sure as hell wouldn't want to be breathing that atmosphere when all gets said and done.
Wouldn't want to be Barry and the first family dealing with that kind of tension from the help staff!
Um, yes I clearly see in your Obamacare mandated calorie printout that you list your coffee as a venti. I have one here and it's clearly 16 ounces. Please let the barrista know I have a drone on standby.
Tiger my game sucked today...hows the back...nice 91 foot putt
So Vlad, you will still support me for Chairman of the Worl UN
This new script I got says I'm supposed to give a speech on Wednesday. You know by the terms of my contract I only play president on Tuesdays and Thursdays with one half a Saturday each month.
Nobel peace prize is a figure of speach. Bomb, baby, bomb!
Another wedding party? In Somalia? Launch the drones.
"Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, Michelle, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?"
What a fucking wimp this guy is. My forearms are at least 3x my wrist diameter - his ratio is about 1:1. Has he never worked out with weights?
Question: "Has he never worked out with weights?"
Answer: He has never worked.
"You have city hands, Mr. Hooper...been countin' money all your life."
"Fire away! Who else would be using his cell phone?"
What do you mean I can't quit?
"I'm in my flexible pose, but I have to sound tough, yet peaceful; what do you suggest Vladimir?"
Obama is probably one of the best Presidents in our nations HISTORY. People just need to give the guy a break, look at the problems he's had to face.
Dude, fuck off.
Obama's election was heralded around the world as his words mean't most anticipated a presidency that would alter the course of the United States. Unfortunately he has been unable or unwilling to live up to expectations and anyone who has followed his policies about the NSA , Whistle blowers, Guantanamo, Wall street fraud, Health care, Corporate power, Ukraine and so on would have to say unwilling. Oh..... well done on the gay rights thing.
Damn, I puked a bit.
You've all been trolled fuckers.
Is it possible to troll a troll? Is that the online equivalent or two wrongs not making a right?
@ one and only
TD 100 times for you, obviously you must be lost in the web of news, you need to know this is ZH news were we use logic and reasoning to see things (or try to at least) but definitely not a huffpuff news that just amplify your NSA propaganda.
Who took my XBox controller?.
How the fuck am I going to show the guys at NATO my game plan?
Ben Affleck said, "Act As If" so here I am, acting as if I have vlad's lapels in my little fists: "Let me be perfectly clear!"
And guys, next time get rid of the YELLOW phone for the photo op!
Hello Vladimir, my name Peggy, how may I help you?
Keep your enemies close and yr enmies evin closr'. Er....
"your scrolling the text too fast for me to read"
OK Putin, I'll get our Fed to print a few more billion and get them to you by tomorrow... and no, I don't know what Merkel wants to do about the Ukraine - she's been pretty nasty toward me since that phone thing...
'These new invisible Asteroids hand controls are a bitch'
Listen here Putin
I have a drone's machine gun lined up at your head right now. All I have to do is move my thumbs and you are dead meat....
Bill, what the....yeah, Ill hold.
Bill, wtf do I do?!?
"That's right, dude. I said a pound of white widow. Shit's about to get real and I don't know when I'll be able to call again."
The peace prize is such a joke -you may as well give it to OBAMA AGAIN. Or let's give it to Kissinger as the elder peace statesman -after all he did end the Vietnam war. He's a man of peace, right? Once his Tribesmen take over the world, there will be no more wars. We'll all be dead or too weak from hunger from slaving away building the 21st century equivalent of the great pyramids -maybe we'll be used for slave labor on mars -or maybe the moon.
You should see my 'fists of fury' pose I'm in right now!
"vlad...vlad...it's me...yea i know we're not on good terms right now...but i'm here on vacation and about to wrestle michelle and really want to win just once...what was that take down move called again?"
I've spent a week at the Ocean Reef Club in the late 1980s for a corporate meeting. It's nice. We ended the meetings hours early everyday so most people could play golf (I went snorkeling). I wonder what he's doing there,
"There are . . . THREE . . dictators ahead of you. Please hold the line and your manufactured revolution request will be answered in the order in which it was received."
No honey ... please honey ... come on sugar cakes ... I know you're upset ... but ... but ... don't tell Michelle.
as i was saying to dimtri
ahh as i was sayin to medicare sorry medivedmedvedev whatever the other evil doer
i am ahh gonna
i am gonna be a lot more flexible after the next election
General (offscreen): Sir, its confirmed, massive ICBM attack inbound, over missles tracking
Obama on phone: Hello Jimmy Johns...
Obama is listening to this guy on the line saying:
“I am trash and shit and crazy to you and this whole fucking world. You don't care where I live or how I feel, or what I eat or how I feed my kids or how I pay the doctor if I get sick, and yes I am stupid ad bored and weak, but I am still your responsibility.”
“What you have to understand, is your father was your model for God. If you're male and you're Christian and living in America, your father is your model for God. And if you never know your father, if your father bails out or dies or is never at home, what do you believe about God?What you end up doing is you spend your life searching for a father and God. What you have to consider is the possibility that God doesn't like you. Could be, God hates us. This is not the worst thing that can happen.”
Ok Reggie. I'll see you then. Wear that leather zipper mask I like and make sure the floor around the glory hole is clean.
Yes Vlad, the dollar is a farce, but so is the Ruble.
Yes Vlad, you owe us one because we ran your country into the ground financially because of the arms race.
Yes Vlad, the world's financial, energy, and food systems are collapsing as we speak.
Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, hang with me here for just a little longer now, m-kay? Stay with me.
What do you mean you guys are going to win because you had your collapse first?
What do you mean the resource grab is "on?" What?
Don't. Don't hang up.
Meet at the boat house Reggie. I love you more than you will ever know.
Fifteen dollars a minute? This better be good.
"So Vlad, congrats to all of us, buddy, on your new aquisition, it all went just like you said. Now, Michelle and the kids are already buggin' me about booking our promsed Crimean vacation. So what do say? I did my part, now it's Black Sea vacay time for Big O and the gang! Which resort you got for me? I'm pretty much open for whenever.."
"Reggie my love, what time are we meeting"?
"Michele, show me some respect. R-S-P-E-C-T" ...
How did I win that? I just started the job and haven't done anything yet?
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