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Thursday Humor: Dennis Kneale's Top 10 Tips On How To Be Jobless

Tyler Durden's picture




 

It seems if you can't beat the digital dickweeds, then you join 'em. Dennis Kneale, infamous for his exclamations regarding bloggers while working for CNBC, has finally been let go by Fox also... these are his tips on how to be unemployed (at age 56!) vis his new blog...

Via DennisKneale.com,

How to be Jobless

Hello guys.  Today starts Week 5 of my first-ever stint in the ranks of The Unemployed.  So this pretty much makes me an expert, right?  Journos are like that.  A month of furious outreach has yielded a passel of no’s and a foreboding sense that this could take longer than expected.

Up to now, I had been employed most every moment of my 34-year career.  Left my fourth and final college internship early to take my first real job, at a paper in South Florida long ago.  Had maybe two weeks off to move up to New York to join the Wall Street Journal.

After 16 years there, I quit and a week later started at Forbes magazine, and after nine years there I switched to CNBC—while still working a full final month of overlap at Forbes.  My three-year deal at CNBC flowed seamlessly into three years at FoxBiz.

So this sojourn in joblessness can be jarring and unsettling.  Some 10.5 million people were jobless last month, an unemployment rate of 6.7%, the Labor Department reports.  The total rises to 20 million when you add part-timers who want full-time work (7.2M) and the “marginally attached,” who want work but haven’t looked in the past month (2.3M).

Work is identity for many of us, how we prove ourselves and carve out our place.  It’s how we matter.  So suddenly when there is no work, you can lose your hold on the world.  You must find something, fast, to replace it:  Your work becomes the search for work.  A few rules might help:

Rule #1:  Stick to the same routine.  Rise at the same time in the morning as you had when you had to get up for your job, and try not to end the day before your old quitting time.

Rule #2:  No jammy pants.  It invites laziness and procrastination.  Put on a pair of pants, dude.

Rule #3:  Get ripped.  Work out more than ever before.  It will elevate your low mood, raise your metabolism and imbue you with can-do.  At least, I’m gonna try, okay?  If not ripped, less… roly-poly.

Rule #4:  Cut back immediately.  Even if you get severance and believe you will snag a job soon.  Kill plans for that spring break in Fort Lauderdale and the $10,000 summer week in Myrtle Beach.  Cut back on the $100-a-week cleaning lady.  Drink coffee at home instead of $6 lattes at Starbucks.  It adds to the urgency you should be feeling.

Rule #5:  Apply for unemployment.  Immediately.  Yup, it’s embarrassing, but get over it.  You paid into the state unemployment-insurance system for many years; it’s your turn to make a withdrawal.  And you need every dollar you can get, from every source.

Rule #6:  People not websites.  Skip the mass online carpet-bombing at job-hunting websites, at least at first.  Work the colleagues and friends you have known over the years, in a network you may not even realize you have built.  Ask for advice, not for a job; and ask them to introduce you to still others.  Why people first?  Business is a relationship.  Better business gets done between people who like each other.

 Rule #7:  What to say about your sitch.  Touchy subject.  A PR pal advised me to avoid the f-word (“fired”). People flinch when you say it.  Her fix: “I decided to pursue other opportunities.”  But my agent demurs: “The problem is, nobody ever believes that.”  I’ve always been a fan of the f-word, and of the truth.

Rule #8:  Shed the shame.  You can’t help but feel it—the whole verbiage “I lost my job” implies you are to blame and must have blown it.  Find a loophole:  Maybe it’s not your fault.  It’s business-not-personal.  A bad fit.  Stuff happens.  Blame the Internet.

Rule #9:  Strike quickly.  A friend advises you should try to land a job in the first few months, even if it isn’t the right job.  Otherwise you risk going stale, and your contacts turn back to their own lives and forget about you.

Rule #10:  But don’t panic.  You may have to take a job that pays less than the one you just lost (there’s that word again).  Brace for that—but how much less?  Figure out how long you can hold out.  Yet don’t turn down too many jobs early on or you’ll run dry and regret it.  Like the struggling comic in “Swingers” who ends up rueing his rejection of a job playing Goofy at Disneyland: “I’d kill for that part.”

 

Good luck Mr. Kneale

 

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Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:32 | 4545383 skwid vacuous
skwid vacuous's picture

he was the poster boy for 2007 bubbleheads on CNBS...mocking any dissenters i.e. Peter Schiff, etc...

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:39 | 4545426 kliguy38
kliguy38's picture

Total DOUCHEBAG.......ridiculed anyone that wasn't an elite douche......just another corporate lackey that wiped jizz off his chin everyday......good riddance  you POS

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:42 | 4545441 idea_hamster
idea_hamster's picture

Google translated from Kneale --> English:

 

Rule #1: Denial.

Rule #2: More denial.

Rule #3: Distraction.

Rule #4: Austerity, like I panned while on TV.

Rule #5: Suckle at the teet of big government, like I panned while on TV.

Rule #6: Cry to your 1%-er ersatz friends and hope they throw you table scraps.

Rule #7: Start telling the truth, even though I have very little practice.

Rule #8: Finger-point like those politicians that I panned while on TV.

Rule #9: Panic.

Rule #10: MOAR denial.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:48 | 4545472 HoofHearted
HoofHearted's picture

Kneale and Lee on the same day? Shit's getting real!

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:24 | 4545634 The Alarmist
The Alarmist's picture

In all seriousness, how did this douchebag manage to avoid unemployment for so long?

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:37 | 4545676 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

I would like to see him spend 15 minutes in the octagon with Kevin "walstreetpro2" Rowland (sure do miss his youtube videos).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qd0m_bN2qdY

If there is a God, Dennis Kneale will end up a jizz mopper at some NYC gay porn shop.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:48 | 4545743 Haywood Jablowme
Haywood Jablowme's picture

Dennis "The Beaker" Kneale..........those were the good ol' days.  How time flies when the FED prints to infinity.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 22:19 | 4546232 philipat
philipat's picture

Dekneale? Face it, the reason he keeps getting fired is because he is a total asshole. There, fixed it for him.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 22:22 | 4546241 chumbawamba
chumbawamba's picture

Yeah, I was gonna say, who the fuck swapped Dennis Kneale's photo with a muppet?  Not cool!

I am Chumbawamba.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:53 | 4545750 nope-1004
nope-1004's picture

So he was "let go" because he agreed with the established MSM message?  All that tells me is that he wasn't good at what he did.  Not like he was a dissenter or anything.  Just no one cared enough to tune into him.

Being unpopular while spouting the popular message means he's in the wrong vocation - period.

 

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 20:27 | 4545854 Offthebeach
Offthebeach's picture

Paint, sheetrock, asphalt/rubber/wood roof, rot-frame-finish carpentry, shot and beer bartend, pizza from scratch maker, yacht carpentry/glass and epoxy. Just did the shocks/front wheel bearings and cv joints on the VW and have a oil pump and rod bearings to go. Next up the rebuild of the 4cylinder Perkins diesel.

Never been out of work.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:25 | 4545640 Rick Blaine
Rick Blaine's picture

Not that I'm a huge fan of Fox or anything, but I was very, very surprised they hired Kneale in the first place.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 04:28 | 4546861 Offthebeach
Offthebeach's picture

They hired fat man clown Sharpton.

Fox is boob bait brain death. Ditto CNN, Rush.... Its all just mental pink slime.

Sat, 03/15/2014 - 03:58 | 4551364 RafterManFMJ
RafterManFMJ's picture

What bullshit.

Try this instead:

1. Immediately cease paying your mortgage - you need that fiat more than the bankers.

2. Drain all bank accounts.

3. Beans and rice are the cheapest; buy those.

4. Immediately get on welfare, EBT, housing assistance, heat assistance, church soup lines. It's your turn now, Amigo!

5. Buy pot pies on sale, plant them at least 4 inches down and 12 inches apart. Soon you'll have a delicious crop of pot pies you can harvest.

6. Let your beard grow unchecked if your are male or an Italian woman over 28. This keeps you warmer and helps acquire welfare subsidies.

7. Pick up a new skill set: panhandling, gleaning, small time cons, jitney driver, harmonica / mouth harp player.

8. Don't bother maintaining your 'friend' network. As a reporter, you cease to exist to your bought and paid for former friends.

9. Buy a set of coveralls and a straw hat; with a reliable car you can infiltrate and raid Amish communities for vegetables and baked goods. Although sure to outrun you on foot, if you can make it to your jalopy you are home-free.

Look for more in my latest eBook.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:50 | 4545475 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

I'm very glad for this article and the fact that ZH posted Dennis's blog address, because there's no way in a million years I'd have otherwise known where to go to berate & troll this 1st class jackwad when I have time to kill.

p.s. -HAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAAA HAHAHAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAHAAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:55 | 4545509 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Yeah, maybe I'll go read his blog after he's been out of work for more than a year.

That way we'll get to see the real panic set in, other than that he can kiss Obamy's ass.

Here's to hoping he gets to collect food stamps, welfare, section 8 housing or starts blogging from his underground abode in the sewers under Las Vegas.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:15 | 4545605 Manthong
Manthong's picture

I didn't see anything there about the required cases of vodka.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:44 | 4545721 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

He's a real man not a metrosexual. He likes to get his drinks from behind Mike's Hard Lemonade stand.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:23 | 4545628 Georgia_Boy
Georgia_Boy's picture

The article smelled like veiled self-justification to me, note the meticulous breakdown of how he had no gaps in his employment for XX years. How liberalish, venting your need to convince yourself of your relevance and phrasing it as a concern and advice/support article. Who knows, the job market can be a mean place, one of these days I may be in that place and doing something like that too.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:06 | 4545551 H. Perowne
H. Perowne's picture

Almost missed the "blame the Internet" comment there in Rule 8. Damn those digital dickweeds. Damn them to hell. 

Goodbye, Beaker. Don't write.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:11 | 4545585 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Yeah, I think we should start a pool to see how long before he goes wacko and finds out all his supposed friends are avoiding him like the plague.

Then we'll get to see a new Top Ten List when the anger and bitterness set in.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:23 | 4545631 Groundhog Day
Groundhog Day's picture

Stopped watching CNBS pre crises so I have no idea who this putz is.  Can't be anyone important so to most ZH's he just another MSM unemployed asshole

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:32 | 4545663 The Alarmist
The Alarmist's picture

So I'm watching Bloomberg TV and my wife sees Trish Regan and says, "Wow, she's really pretty."  Then I'm watching Russia Today, and my wife sees Yulia Shapavalova and says, "Wow, she's a beauty."  I think I'm staying informed, and it turns out I'm trolling for babes, but funny how none of them comes from CNBS.  

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 12:07 | 4548285 TruthHunter
TruthHunter's picture

Translation

#1 Stick to routine: Your spouse/SO will take weeks to find out.

#2Jammy pants: If you'd really been wearing the pants you wouldn't have been fired.

#3 Get Ripped: Same principle, laziness got you fired

#4 Cut Back: Better yet, pretend the IRS is seizing your wages and you can't pay the bills.

#5Apply for Unemployment: In person. See the rest of the band of losers you've joined.

#6 People not Websites: Your "friends" on ZH won't/can't hire you!

#7 What to Say about Your Sitch: Use the "f word" you ARE fucked.

#8 Shed the Shame: Shame is so Middle Eastern. Look at their economic record.

#9 Strike Quickly: Your former employer is now your competitor. Screw him.

#10 Don't Panic: Earth is being eliminated for a Space Bypass. With any luck you'll get picked up. 

 

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:39 | 4545428 jcaz
jcaz's picture

His "Top Tips on How Not to be Homeless" should be a better read.....

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:13 | 4545531 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

"Dennis Kneale's Top 10 Tips For LIVING OUT OF A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!"

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:30 | 4545656 bobthecat
bobthecat's picture

Schiff blows... Why does everyone on this site love him?  Check out the performance of his clients, and that should speak for itself. 

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 22:05 | 4546194 SilverDOG
SilverDOG's picture

I agree.

Pulled out of the Eurasia Schitt in '08, and whooped his slack assed paper.

Says good, but not as insightful as FABER.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 12:10 | 4548303 TruthHunter
TruthHunter's picture

Schiff

How about that other chicken little: Celente

So far nobody ever went broke, over-estimating the ability of the FED to pull

another rabbit out of the hat.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 20:18 | 4545824 LasVegasDave
LasVegasDave's picture

Dennis, Im going to talk to you like you are a child

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79HLnTPxMho

Greatest CNBC meltdown ever

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 23:43 | 4546524 Barry McBear
Barry McBear's picture

Classic, thanks for posting that.  Go figure, now Kneale is out of work and Macke has his own show.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 05:58 | 4546910 merizobeach
merizobeach's picture

Ah, so that's where I've seen this POS Dennis before.  It might be the only clip from CNBC I've ever seen.  But sometimes ZH posts that ranting dude--is it Santelli?  Ok, I've seen a few of those, in case they are the same network.  Asian tv doesn't carry CNBC, thank the [fake diety of your choice].

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:31 | 4545389 HyBrasilian
HyBrasilian's picture

 Rule #2:  No jammy pants.  It invites laziness and procrastination.  Put on a pair of pants, dude.

~~~

Hear that fonestar?

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:38 | 4545420 fonestar
fonestar's picture

What's wrong with jammy pants?  Jammy pants, Red Bull and pushin' bits is where it's at....

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:46 | 4545453 HyBrasilian
HyBrasilian's picture

Yours must feature a print of 'BEAKER' [after he blew his allowance money on bitcoins]

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:47 | 4545467 tmosley
tmosley's picture

I don't think they sell jammie pants featuring Beaker plowing two $10,000/night hookers.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:56 | 4545504 fonestar
fonestar's picture

So what's with the attitude these days tmosley?  Are you trying to play the moderate 'coiner and convert the masses?

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:45 | 4545456 Cacete de Ouro
Cacete de Ouro's picture

Satoshi wears the pants in the Fonestar household

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:51 | 4545470 BKbroiler
BKbroiler's picture

I think Nakamoto and Snowden will be two of the patron saints in the coming revolution.  One opened our eyes and one gave us an alternative to banks, although it is not yet stable.  The PTB should have really kept this internet thing in the box.  Now it's only a matter of time.  You can poll the Russians all you want and say they love Putin, but nobody wants to go to war on either side.  People are fed up with war. and banks. and "leaders".  first there will be chaos but out of chaos comes order.  a new order.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:55 | 4545508 Omegaman2211
Omegaman2211's picture

Are you lost, little one?

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:58 | 4545522 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Yes, sHitllery will guide us to the new Nazi Utopia.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:02 | 4545535 BKbroiler
BKbroiler's picture

I'm not lost, been here longer than your commie Putin lovin ass, omegaman.  Bitcoin isn't perfect but it's a step in the right direction.  Not sure what this has to do with Hillary but the point is the same Pure Evil.  Current forms of government are faultering, the propaganda is begin recognized.  Pretty soon it will be hard to convince young people to die in resource wars.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:36 | 4545675 The Alarmist
The Alarmist's picture

That's why TPTB pitch these things as defending God, Mom, and Apple Pie.  The Pentagon is ready for military action in Ukraine not because it is what is necessary to defend the American way of life, but because projecting force seems to have become the American way of life.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 20:44 | 4545683 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Not sure what you mean by been here longer than my commie Putin lovin ass, but if you're some old geezer blogging from a nursing home than yes you've propably been around longer than dirt. And while your at it you might want to call over the CNA to change your diaper cause the smell from your old ass is stinkin up the place.

On the plus side, I don't give a fuck about dorkcoin or its direction. If you want to plow your funds into it be my guest.

The point about sHitllery is that when people go into hysterics as a result of chaos they have a tendency to choose leaders that later take advantage of the situation, you know, something like can't let a good crises go to waste. How many Bushbots or Obamafarts kicked themselves after voting those two twits into office?

As far as young people go they're as gullible as ever along with the rest of the population. The latest election down in the Tampa Florida area should prove that. Both parties scrape the bottom of the barrel for candidates and the idiots still come out in droves to vote the bastards into office.

And, 2008 should have been proof enough that the people are incapable of making the right decision. Ron Paul may not have been the perfect candidate but he was dimensions above the two paid whores that finally ended up running for office.

So, stick that into your Bob Dylan hat and choom it up or out your ass, or whichever way your species hides things from the light of day.

 

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 01:33 | 4546730 jeff montanye
jeff montanye's picture

also gary johnson

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 06:18 | 4546930 merizobeach
merizobeach's picture

"Pretty soon it will be hard to convince young people to die in resource wars."

I like the optimism of your points, but this one, I fully disagree: it always has been easy and always will be, unless somehow there are no more young shit-for-brains to recruited, and that would take the extinction of the species.

As an aside, for the sake of the rest of the life on this planet, I ideologically support the singular extinction of our species.

(But alas, even such idealism falters: who will decommission those few hundred nuclear plants so that they don't wipe out the rest of macro life on this planet?)

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:57 | 4545519 fonestar
fonestar's picture

"..first there will be chaos but out of chaos comes order.  a new order."

Yes!  The BWO!  And they shall reference the book of fonestar.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 17:14 | 4549774 monad
monad's picture

Hugo Drax, I presume?

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:01 | 4545536 ManWithaPlan
ManWithaPlan's picture

I dont know, what has Edward Snowden's revelations brought us? Nothing really. If you were not a blind moron you knew the government has always been spying on us. Has anything changed? No, his leaks basicly led to an acceptance. That is what it brought us. The masses have accepted what they are doing and that was the plan. Release something that everyone kind of knew was going on but nothing to big as to blow everything up. Give them a little so they feel they know what's going on and don't keep asking questions. Worked pretty well...

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:08 | 4545574 BKbroiler
BKbroiler's picture

I disagree.  Everyone is a paranoid nut until proven correct.  Now that saying "the government is spying on you" is no longer considered crazy, people are waking up to it.  I'm pretty sure the global reaction wasn't "no problem, we already knew"

We're lucky to be alive in such interesting times.  Being American is  a front row ticket to the big show, as Carlin said.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:56 | 4545514 fonestar
fonestar's picture

Yes, yes he does.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:56 | 4545510 Uber Vandal
Uber Vandal's picture

The scary thing is that "jammy pants" appear to be everyday wear for too many people when I go out and about, regardless of the time of day.

 

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:58 | 4545524 fonestar
fonestar's picture

Just don't be a menace....

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:58 | 4545525 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

I think your problem is you're shopping at Walmart to many times a week.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:14 | 4545602 infinity8
infinity8's picture

No, man. I see them at the grocery store, book store, gas station. They usually travel in packs, but not always.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:52 | 4545757 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Well, if their jammie pants are hanging off their ass show some ass crack then you're in the wrong part of town.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 20:13 | 4545808 infinity8
infinity8's picture

Jammie Pants Gang!! - Naw, 'round here, they're usually paired w/some XXXL tee that would hide that, even if it was hanging out (thank dog). And don't forget the house-shoes/flip-flops.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:38 | 4545393 CrashisOptimistic
CrashisOptimistic's picture

"I’ve always been a fan of the f-word, and of the truth."

 

Then how have you been able to shave all these years?  And that's as hard as I'm willing to hammer any 56 year old out of work in 2014.  No one deserves more than that smack.

FYI it's $100 every two months for cleaning ladies in Thailand.

Also FYI, fired means terminated for cause.  What was the cause?  Budget cuts?  That's laid off, not fired.

Yo, Tyler.  Turn the other cheek, guy.  Offer him a few hundred bux for a 3 part anonymous series on what financial network agendas are and day to day preparation.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:33 | 4545395 Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill's picture

11) Burger King are hiring, forget Radioshack.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:00 | 4545533 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

He can always make good change hookin' out on the street as a tranny crack hor.

From my vantage point he's got 34 years of experience.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:36 | 4545408 Silver Shield
Silver Shield's picture

Hey Dennis I thought the recession was over?
Time to put down the Pom poms and get real.

I can't wait until I read him in 6 months when the Anger kicks in.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:36 | 4545409 Spungo
Spungo's picture

Rule #11: Make up an awesome story about why you got fired. I tell people I was fired because I plowed my boss's daughter.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:40 | 4545432 Ban KKiller
Ban KKiller's picture

IN the boss's bed is what I heard. 

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:15 | 4545603 lotsoffun
lotsoffun's picture

and the silly bitch told me she was on the pill!

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:34 | 4545672 ghengis86
ghengis86's picture

You guys are doing it wrong; that's how I got hired! It's taken 10 years and a couple more grand kids, but I think he might like like me; hasn't called dickhead in a few weeks.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 02:25 | 4546745 New World Chaos
New World Chaos's picture

I tell people I got fired for spending too much time on conspiracy websites, and now I eat out of dumpsters.

Wonder if I'll ever run into a former talking head at a dumpster some night.  I never watch their crappy shows, so would I even recognize any of them?  If so, maybe I can find out if South Park's inverse rectal-gestion really works:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEumDLau4CI

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:36 | 4545410 Cacete de Ouro
Cacete de Ouro's picture

Hopefully Cramer will need to read this list soon

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:39 | 4545690 The Alarmist
The Alarmist's picture

Cramer would be inspiration for the downtrodden but for the fact that he hangs on to a good gig because he punched all the right squares earlier in life.  Merit is clearly nothing more than pantomime.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:37 | 4545419 Village Idiot
Village Idiot's picture

Dennis 

Change the word's "you" to "I" and your statement will be more personally impactful for you. And start calling it like it really is. The truth will set you free...

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:57 | 4545516 knukles
knukles's picture

Premium

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:38 | 4545421 Ban KKiller
Ban KKiller's picture

You will get a job...won't pay as well and will be demeaning. Wecome to the machine! Sign up for benefits now...or have you been down that road? 

Are you growing some of your own food yet? Cooking you own food perhaps? Do the folks at Starfucks miss you yet? No more whores and cocaine? Ha-ha...guess you won't be invited to those parties.

How about exposing Wall Street? Bite that hand that fed you and all that. 

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:40 | 4545434 CrashisOptimistic
CrashisOptimistic's picture

I hear there's a newly popular benefit called disability.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:03 | 4545552 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

I think he's been on that for years, a result of taking the red/blue? pill his whole career.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:04 | 4545554 knukles
knukles's picture

In the greatest tradition of Fight Club, start going to AA and associated 12 step meetings (AA and Testicular Caner come to mind), Dennis.  There you'll learn from some of the real low life pros about scamming the system meant for the entirely disabled, sick, un-housed, poor, medically indigent and mentally ill.  Why, I know a guy the "the program" who is single, gets 100% of his living expenses paid for by the Federalies and State of California, has full medical coverage, weekly and monthly checks, EBT, section 8, takes nice vacations, eats well and Owns Two Cars, a Mini and a Jaguar.

Dennis, Fight Club, motherfucker.
Booyah!

There's a recovery blossoming, Dennis, so your unemployment Must Be A Function of Your Personal Inabiltieies and Character Defects.

 

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 22:00 | 4546177 harleyjohn45
harleyjohn45's picture

yeah, Jesse Jackson Jr. is on mood altering disability whiled he is in jail.  8700.00 per month.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:28 | 4545650 Citxmech
Citxmech's picture

 "Even if you get severance and believe you will snag a job soon.  Kill plans for that spring break in Fort Lauderdale and the $10,000 summer week in Myrtle Beach.  Cut back on the $100-a-week cleaning lady.  Drink coffee at home instead of $6 lattes at Starbucks.  It adds to the urgency you should be feeling."

JFC Kneale - why don't you just fuck the hell off already - please?

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 21:45 | 4546122 Crash Overide
Crash Overide's picture

Now that he has a bunch of free time he can sign up for Obamacare.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:41 | 4545438 Exponere Mendaces
Exponere Mendaces's picture

He's about to discover that the trap door has shut, and it's one of those annoying one-way mechanisms, like a New York subway turnstile at the exit.

Unless he knows someone, he's screwed. Wouldn't mind witnessing his subsequent meltdown on week 52, perhaps it would be a dose of reality that a lot of sheltered individuals need to see.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:41 | 4545439 Goatboy
Goatboy's picture

Rule #11: Kill yourself!

World will be so much better without another neurotic, super-ambitious, job-obsessed careerist.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:41 | 4545442 new game
new game's picture

#11 look for jobs that exist.

#12 some luck

#13 falsify your resume 

#14 try to shave off ten years of experience.

# 15 hire a good document forger and get your age to 65 and say fuck it and start collecting...

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:42 | 4545444 robertocarlos
robertocarlos's picture

Most white men aged 56 never work again after losing their job.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:53 | 4545499 I Write Code
I Write Code's picture

Statistically maybe, but me and several of my cohort are working again, and again, over that age, even over 65, and we haven't even sunk to Walmart greeters, quite yet.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:05 | 4545558 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Well, he's a shill for the establishment, so he should be able to obtain employment as an Obama penis greeter.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:41 | 4545700 The Alarmist
The Alarmist's picture

I would think getting canned by CNBS is a resume enhancer.

Sat, 03/15/2014 - 04:10 | 4551377 RafterManFMJ
RafterManFMJ's picture

I'd hire the man right now as a fluffer for the Rottweiler dog porn I'm producing.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 17:12 | 4549768 monad
monad's picture

Now you know where Olooter gets the prop people for his photos.

Desperation...

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:44 | 4545454 I Write Code
I Write Code's picture

Shallow, very shallow.

Book yourself some self-improvement, some new buzzwords for your resume if nothing else, you can expand it into a "project" if your real unemployment stretches.

Arrange yourself some social schedule during the week, whatever it is.

Catch up on any reading, hobbies, etc you like anyway, MAKE it an extended vacation to some extent, but not to the extent of getting wasted every night.

Break that identity between yourself and your job, it was always bogus anyway.

Log into sites like ZH and help run the universe.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:46 | 4545461 Kaiser Sousa
Kaiser Sousa's picture

i cant stand that bitch made mother fucking banker/wall st. presstitute...

Hey Dennis, ever heard of the Lame Stream Media Knock out Game you fucker??

watch your back......

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:46 | 4545464 Double.Eagle.Gold
Double.Eagle.Gold's picture

Dennis,

 

Maybe its time to write a come-to-jesus story, revealing how you and the rest of CNBC/FOX/etc. were cheerleading liars, helping to coverup the financial rape and ruin of this once great nation.

 

Tell the truth Dennis

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:07 | 4545571 knukles
knukles's picture

There's a Grand Idea, Dennis.

You could make a fucking fortune between a book, interviews, documentary and a blog.

However, it does demand severe public amends to admit your Propaganda Whoring ....

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 20:13 | 4545809 CrashisOptimistic
CrashisOptimistic's picture

If he announced such a plan, a suicide would soon follow.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 07:22 | 4546991 merizobeach
merizobeach's picture

You are optimistic.

I don't think this shill was ever given anything but a script.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:47 | 4545466 Atomizer
Atomizer's picture

Beaker has a new show called Cross-Fucked. Using his large nose and lollypop head, sniffing out news popularity is the today's journalist ponzi scam. 

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:50 | 4545479 arnoldsimage
arnoldsimage's picture

i never cared for dennis kneale. not one bit. but i am willing to overlook that and sincerely wish him good luck in landing a job. wishing you well, dennis, and also to your family.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:52 | 4545483 Cacete de Ouro
Cacete de Ouro's picture

Why was this guy Kneale not investing in the market for the last 30 years?
And thereby attaining independent wealth, would not need to be in this situation?

What does this say about financial pundits? I'll tell you what, it says that they are sacks of horseshit who shouldn't be listened to..ever

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 20:01 | 4545778 VegasBob
VegasBob's picture

If Dennis Kneale has to go job-hunting at age 56, then it's obvious that he wasn't investing in the market.  Really, this guy ought to have a few million stashed away by now.

So it looks like he never really believed his own bullshit.

If he didn't believe his own bullshit, then he'll never work as a journalist again.

Maybe his local Walmart is accepting applications.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:52 | 4545496 Thorny Xi
Thorny Xi's picture

Fired?  I don't think you'll get that unemployment.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:56 | 4545498 Robinhood
Robinhood's picture

Hey Dennis,

I hope I can piss on you when you're homeless. A real bonus would be if Pudlow and Cramer were with you so I can piss on them too. And Piers Morgan, I'm saving a shit for him.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 23:08 | 4546411 UselessEater
UselessEater's picture

Piers Morgan can now blog about being fired Chelsea explained it to him....

 

http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/timstanley/100263513/piers-morgans-gue...

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:54 | 4545501 ManWithaPlan
ManWithaPlan's picture

"Work is identity for many of us, how we prove ourselves and carve out our place.  It’s how we matter."

Fuck you.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:55 | 4545505 hawkenrifle
hawkenrifle's picture

Gee whiz thanks for all those great tips, boy oh boy bet the unemployed can't wait to try them out. Imean_ who would have ever thunk_ ya know?

 

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:58 | 4545523 LooseLee
LooseLee's picture

Dennis Kneale---Consummate BULLTARD and Status Quo Bootlicker...Couldn't have happened to a better LACKEY!

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 18:59 | 4545526 Chump
Chump's picture

And by all means don't do anything but look for another job.  You always want to work for someone else, because therein lies the key to success.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 21:34 | 4546089 Angus McHugepenis
Angus McHugepenis's picture

Chump: Absolutely correct! His entire existence relys on someone else giving him a job.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:00 | 4545532 22winmag
22winmag's picture

There is this *H-MO* sleeps with women.

 

Just sayin'

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:07 | 4545548 monad
monad's picture

Your current job is writing for ZH. 8-]

You are seeking a new opportunity because you are unsatisfied with the opportunities for advancement and you require greater financial compensation.

Or if you're up for it, run for political office. I will give money to any candidate with a viable plan to restore constitutional law & government and toss out the IRS/UN cabal. Money and ammo.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:07 | 4545561 Judge Crater
Judge Crater's picture

Useless and shallow advice from a pretentious blowhard.  No mention of preparing a CV and no mention of getting a neutral letter of reference from your most recent employer.  Getting a LinkedIn account helps but don't pay for a better location there.  What working out has to do with getting a non-acting job I don't know.  Maybe he can get a job at the Huffington Post.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:06 | 4545569 Backtable
Backtable's picture

There are no words, literally no words, to describe how much I HATE this "STOOPID FUCK."

If ever there were a warning lable applied TV it would be this guy. What an MSM douche bag.  Whoever, (and for the life of me I can't imagone who this would be), that took his pointy-heaed advice at CNBC, got exactly what the deserved. And got it good and hard. Dick wad.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:10 | 4545583 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

"Everyone likes a little ass; no one likes a smart ass."

Welcome to the club Kneales, don't buy stocks.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:17 | 4545610 Wilcox1
Wilcox1's picture

Rule #11--Have a basement added to your Mom's house

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:22 | 4545626 BullyBearish
BullyBearish's picture

Dirtbag

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:28 | 4545649 Dave Thomas
Dave Thomas's picture

Maybe he can start a blog like Mike Norman did with a youtube camera, he could invite Karl Denninger on to do some hard hitting stories about the new toughluck economy!

 

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:42 | 4545709 The Alarmist
The Alarmist's picture

He could interview Lauren Lyster so we can once again appreciate the value of her assets. 

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:45 | 4545717 Notsobadwlad
Notsobadwlad's picture

He's does not appear to be a likeable guy. Why would anyone listen to him ... or hire him? Maybe he's a good tool and hypocrit. What goes around comes around.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:47 | 4545725 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Dennis,

Do the ZeroHedge interview. I bet the offer still stands. It will keep you sharp... do you still feel bullish on the economy? Defend it, blogger boy.

Rules of FIGHT CLUB 1st RULE: You do not talk about FIGHT CLUB.

2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about FIGHT CLUB.

3rd RULE: If someone says "stop" or goes limp, taps out the fight is over.

4th RULE: Only two guys to a fight.

5th RULE: One fight at a time.

6th RULE: No shirts, no shoes.

7th RULE: Fights will go on as long as they have to.

8th RULE: If this is your first day at FIGHT CLUB, you HAVE to fight.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:48 | 4545739 ChargingHandle
ChargingHandle's picture

Find employment abroad for there are no jobs for people in their 50s and there will be even less after Obamacare hits corporations.  Lastly, assuming another progressive lands in the white house,  half this board will share your plight. 

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 19:56 | 4545767 Duc888
Duc888's picture

 

 

I've found that if I call a cab and go to Walmart, beat the cabbie for the fare, grab one of those triple magnifying reading glasses and then some carcinogenic diet fizzy stuff, check out using my EBT card and cry on my brothers shoulder until he lets me set up a cot in his basement that I can scour CL Help Wanted adds and in between applying for warehouse material handling jobs and part time sales associate jobs in a discount shoe store I can actually take aforementioned triple powered glasses and pull up my shirt and closely inspect the flora and fauna in my navel all the while fapping to the first lady (transtesticle) Queen with the big shoulders and adams apple scar who currently inhabits the whore house.

 

At least until obummer passes another EO ruling such deviant behavior felonious.

 

Oh, and sometimes I kick my neighbors dawg so hard in his head I can loosen one of his teeth.  That might score me points in an LEO job interview.

 

That's my "job plan" and I'm stickin' wif it.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 20:00 | 4545773 Catullus
Catullus's picture

Meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 20:23 | 4545841 knowshitsurelock
knowshitsurelock's picture

God I love the ZH comments section, telling it like it is.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 20:26 | 4545849 QQQBall
QQQBall's picture

Dennis who?

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 20:27 | 4545852 robertocarlos
robertocarlos's picture

The good news about being unemployed is you can't afford a Mercedes, a hot-tub, or a private plane. The bad news is you have to fix your own roof.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 21:26 | 4546061 Angus McHugepenis
Angus McHugepenis's picture

His cardboard box under the bridge won't need much roof repair. A ladder made from discarded pallets, some duct tape, and jammie pants ought to do it.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 20:41 | 4545881 Roger Shermanator
Roger Shermanator's picture

For those who don't remember, Dennis Kneale berating Peter Schiff (and Schiff making him look foolish) for making a living selling doom, gloom, and gold because well... CNBS has never tried to sell anything (i.e. worthless stocks) to anybody before.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKk2RaCLGuA

Good riddance Dennis, it's a miracle a clown like you has been employed this long.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 20:41 | 4545892 BeetleBailey
BeetleBailey's picture

What is this shitfuck doing here?

Fuck off Dennis you banker bootlicking cunt

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 20:42 | 4545895 steelhead23
steelhead23's picture

OK, OK, we all want to punch poor Dennis in the nose, but I happen to like this post as it may be the best advice Kneale has ever given.  Ever.  The dude knows how to be unemployed.  I'm kind of hoping for more great unemployment advice from the Beaker, like "How to make gourmet Ramen noodles," and (in my dreams), "How to decorate your refrigerator box to remind you of your home/office."

Y'all are just being way too harsh.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 20:51 | 4545930 CoastalCowboy
CoastalCowboy's picture

Hell, 40% of my income is generated while wearing my jammy pants. This cat needs to learn to think outside the box.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 20:59 | 4545959 Dimons jock
Dimons jock's picture

If you've ever wondered what a real life "walking penis" looks like, well there you have it...

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 21:50 | 4546138 Iam_Silverman
Iam_Silverman's picture

Rule #2:  No jammy pants.

 

Well, the "dude" in those Pajama Boy commercials is still employed.  And you?

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 21:52 | 4546144 Stockmonger
Stockmonger's picture

Dennis Kneale's Top 10 Tips On How to Get Rich Pumping Stocks

Dennis Kneale's Top 10 Tips On Blogging

Dennis Kneale's Top 10 Tips On How to Be Jobless

Dennis Kneale's Top 10 Tips On Avoiding Rectal Injury In Hell

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 23:03 | 4546396 acetinker
acetinker's picture

Just another casualty.  I scrape shit off my boots every day.  His whole class will soon be lying in a pile at the bottom of my stairway.

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 23:40 | 4546458 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

Week 5 of my first-ever stint in the ranks of The Unemployed.  So this pretty much makes me an expert, right?

You wish you f^&ing arrogant, naïve wanker. Talk to me after your fifth-ever stint in the ranks of the unemployed which is going on 22 months and maybe then we can relate.  

Oh, did I mention you're a f^&ing arrogant, naive wanker?

Thu, 03/13/2014 - 23:40 | 4546516 whatthecurtains
whatthecurtains's picture

I have a feeling Dennis Kneale will survive being jobless by doing his George Michael imitation in Central Park.   At least he will love his job blowing the homeless.

 

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 00:27 | 4546619 Gort
Gort's picture

Have Walt Disney Studios hire the prick to go on the "Muppets Most Wanted" movie's  promotional tour as Beaker.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 01:03 | 4546692 Tegrat
Tegrat's picture

Approaching 50 fast myself as a contractor. I tried full time for about 5 years and hooked up with another company as a contractor. I have been "found redundant" in Jan 2004 (knew that was coming as we were bought out in 2000 - one of the last 2 original employees left - the company that bought us is now defunct (split up)).

Then, starting in March of 2004 I worked for another year at a now defunct company who also eventually found me and a few others redundant. In 2005 i worked for MSFT as a contractor - but I took it for resume hamburger helper mostly., In 2006 I went to work for another company where I am now again as contractor for the 3rd time. I used to get worried about layoffs and cuts - now i look at it as an unplanned vacation.

My prior gig to this one was the 2nd for that company. They cut me the week after i finished it (it was a few months early - i need to learn to sandbag a bit). They gave me a heads up and i wanted to have the holidays "off" anyways.

Contracting pays very well - but with the 1-3mo long vacations every cupla years offsets that. The best layoff was may-2009 thru aug 2009. A few of my friends with business and 4/10 schedules allowed for some really fun times. Wife wasn't too happy tho. She's an earner as well and after 25 years with same company she's carrying all the benes while i convert fiat into PMs, solar systems and long term food storage.

Anyways, I consider myself an expert doler now. This guy is right about a lot of things. I got my current gig beacuse of who i knew rather than what - first time ever. paying more than i ever have earned yet to date.

 

 

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 12:01 | 4548249 CoastalCowboy
CoastalCowboy's picture

Current job hunting conventional wisdom(Always wrong, nearly) says to put your resume onto some stupid website for a lame algorithm to maybe, if you're really, really lucky, pass it to a room temperature IQ HR drone type.

Meanwhile, the posted job goes to someone with the inside track. Networking always has ruled in the past and always will continue to rule as your current gig illustrates.

The biggest mistake I made when I had my corporate job was to let my social network deteriorate as I was an overly loyal employee who was always at my employer's beck and call which was literally 24/7/365 so I let my network wilt on me. I even had a side business doing what I do now that I quit 8 years before I got canned due to my stupid excessive loyalty to those pricks.

My reward for over 10 years as an excellent employee was a cold termination(Corporate buy out Benny Bux redundancy victim I was) into the shittiest job market in 70 years. Yet, I hear these corporate sociopaths do nothing but complain about the lack of loyalty among their employees. Well, you reap what you sow bitchez.

Networking was the only thing that even got me back on my feet, and it did not happen overnight either. I recently shredded the records of all of the attempts I made at landing a job through sending resumes to web sites. The shear number of applications(over 300) blew my mind, and all of the hours that were wasted for nothing made me reflect on the whole process.

My longest known friend who went through the exact same thing that I did blew his brains out w/a .357 magnum. Going through that list made me realize how and why he did it. The screwed up thing is that my network now includes people who could have used his skills. The lesson there is to never ever quit on life.

I made more progress taking the "risky" choice in starting my own business. Now, what does that tell us about the job market?

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