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"Krimea Kerry" Caption Contest

Tyler Durden's picture


A US Secretary of State walks into a meeting with a Russian Foreign Minister. The Russian asks: "why the long face?"... As for what happens in Ukraine this weekend, the pictures below say it all.

h/t @Shiegel, photo credit AFP, AP


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Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:10 | 4547316 Divided States ...
Divided States of America's picture

Ran out of Botox before the meeting

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:17 | 4547361 pods
pods's picture

They both look like they could use a bit more fiber.


Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:19 | 4547372 Stackers
Stackers's picture

Pardon me, but do you have some Grey Poupon ?

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:20 | 4547379 negative rates
negative rates's picture

They used to pray like that in first grade, he never got over it.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:23 | 4547398 smlbizman
smlbizman's picture

kerry....i can count to 4 with my feet...

lavrov....did you run in the kentucky derby in '56?

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:26 | 4547421 kaiserhoff
kaiserhoff's picture


"Why didn't this shit go down on the Bitch's watch?"

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:34 | 4547465 Joe Davola
Joe Davola's picture

Lavrov:  Hurry up and smear some peanut butter on his lips so he will talk.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:41 | 4547493 Looney
Looney's picture

Instead of Botox, Kerry’s doctor gave him a shot of tranquilizer in the head. ;-)


Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:45 | 4547513 krispkritter
krispkritter's picture

You mean his Veterinarian...

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:47 | 4547527 old naughty
old naughty's picture

"Um, I can't say fxxk EU."

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 10:51 | 4547881 Dick Gazinia
Dick Gazinia's picture

Looks like a bad case of Colic

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 10:52 | 4547885 Dick Gazinia
Dick Gazinia's picture

That light blue tie really brings out the "crazy" in your eyes!!!

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 10:53 | 4547898 Dick Gazinia
Dick Gazinia's picture

I will just keep my hands here to hide the boner I got at the thought of starting WWIII.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 21:20 | 4550599 mjcOH1
mjcOH1's picture

"When he said he'd unscrew my head and shit down my neck, I didn't think he'd actually do it..."

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:37 | 4547472 Indian_Goldsmith
Indian_Goldsmith's picture

"Let's appear sad!"

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:28 | 4547440 HoofHearted
HoofHearted's picture

I think these guys look like American Gothic. Give Kerry the pitchfork...

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:29 | 4547446 HoofHearted
HoofHearted's picture

...and give it to him right in the ass.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:32 | 4547460 svayambhu108
svayambhu108's picture

You ment: I think *this couple* look like American Gothic. Give Kerry the pitchfork...

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:23 | 4547399 Looney
Looney's picture

Kerry: I should’ve stayed in the Senate.

Lavrov: No, you should’ve stayed in Vietnam, motherfucker. ;-)


Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:24 | 4547412 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Crimea river

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:29 | 4547445 Headbanger
Headbanger's picture

Kerry thinking "We're really fucked this time"  

Lavrov thinking: "We're really going to kick their ass this time"

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:30 | 4547450 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

This is why I won't do two shows a night anymore. I just won't do it.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:45 | 4547515 MakeMineADouble
MakeMineADouble's picture

Because if I tell you, you'll tell your friends, your friends are callin' me on the horn all the time, I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a *hell*. Okay? A living hell.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 12:16 | 4548330 ugmug
ugmug's picture

I farted on your damn flag you French talking swine american.......

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:19 | 4547373 Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill's picture

Carrots are good for that,neigh.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:41 | 4547492 Theta_Burn
Theta_Burn's picture

Sergei looks like he wants to kick Kerry's ass...

What a fucking putz..

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 11:41 | 4548155 WillyGroper
WillyGroper's picture

Colon Canon Scared!

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:18 | 4547363 svayambhu108
svayambhu108's picture

- Lavrov: (... thinking to himself) What's that smell, did he fart, ... ?

- Kerry: (... thinking to himself)  Avoid eye contact 

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 11:40 | 4547428 Chief KnocAHoma
Chief KnocAHoma's picture

Jump forward to one week prior to mid term elections. An ass sucking reporter is interviewing Kerry trying to improve the sinking administration approval numbers. Russia has marched through Ukraine, Slovakia, Northern Italy, France, Spain and Putin is vacationing on the newly occupied coast of Portugal.

REPORTER: Mr. Secretary of State you gave Mr. Putin an ultimadum to alter his course of action prior to Monday, March 17 before his military moved full force into Ukraine. Looking back, do you think that was an effective approach?

KERRY: I'll take exception to your question. The US and our allies never specified which Monday was determined as deadline for Mr. Putin to alter his course. In fact he could decide by next Monday to fully retreat to his original borders and our diplomacy would prove to be effective.

The reporter breaks away to converse with Chris Mathews, "Chris this is just another shining example of how this young, brilliant, scratch golfer and his sterling administration has shined on the World stage and provided needed global leadership."

MATHEWS: I just popped a boner.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:55 | 4547568 stant
stant's picture

you dont visit russia, russia visits you

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 10:00 | 4547610 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 11:33 | 4548111 Hayabusa
Hayabusa's picture

Russian:  "You'd be wise to remember, in the USSR we still eat horsemeat horseface"

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:11 | 4547320 rtalcott
rtalcott's picture

But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say!

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:11 | 4547321 jcaz
jcaz's picture


Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:11 | 4547323 RetiredSilverBug
RetiredSilverBug's picture

Friends forever

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 10:19 | 4547729 old naughty
old naughty's picture

But we have to post for the "cold war" look.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:11 | 4547324 1stepcloser
1stepcloser's picture

Grandpa is soooo going to kick your ass....buhhhahhahaha buhahahahhah

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:12 | 4547326 LongBalls
LongBalls's picture

"Your penis really is much larger" "I hope to hold it again someday soon"!

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:12 | 4547327 holmes
holmes's picture

Wanna go parasailing later?

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:12 | 4547328 motorollin
motorollin's picture

Will America defeat Russia with its sanctions and rhetoric?


Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:12 | 4547329 astoriajoe
astoriajoe's picture

I should have wore the red tie.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:12 | 4547334 Svendblaaskaeg
Svendblaaskaeg's picture

Kerry:"I wish I hadn't shat my pants"

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:38 | 4547478 Mi Naem
Mi Naem's picture

Kerry afterthought: "Hmm, that doesn't smell like mine - maybe he did, too.  I think I'll just casually glance over that way and sniff.  " 

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:13 | 4547335 orangedrinkandchips
orangedrinkandchips's picture

Kerry: You know the two biggest Russian lies??


"i wont cum in your mail"

"the check is in my mouth"



Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:13 | 4547337 Henry Rearden
Henry Rearden's picture

The adams family started, when uncle kerry farted, everyone's retarded. The adam's family. Dunna na na.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:15 | 4547345 Martial
Martial's picture






Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:15 | 4547346 Son of Captain Nemo
Son of Captain Nemo's picture

Kerry reminds me of Merkin Muffley in Dr. Strangelove

Now Sergey Don't say that... Don't say that Sergey... I can be every bit as apologetic as you...


Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:16 | 4547354 blackhand
blackhand's picture

Peace in our time.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:16 | 4547356 ziggy59
ziggy59's picture

Kerry: But Wilbur, why cant I have a color TV?

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:17 | 4547358 ShrNfr
ShrNfr's picture

"When people look at a strong horse and a weak horse face, they choose the strong horse."

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:18 | 4547365 tony wilson
tony wilson's picture


How can I just let you walk away?
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothin' left here to remind me
Just the memory of your long face

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:23 | 4547396 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Since you've gone I've been lost without a trace.
I dream at night, I can only see your long face.
I look around but it's you I can't replace.
I feel so cold, and I long for your embrace.
I keep crying baby, baby please...

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:19 | 4547370 unplugged
unplugged's picture

Kerry: "Uh he-he - hey - uh - Bevis - he-he - uh, like - where'd ya go? - uh - uh - what do I do now? - he-he - umph umph...."

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:19 | 4547377 The Shootist
The Shootist's picture

Grumpy old men. Part Crimea.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:20 | 4547378 bentaxle
bentaxle's picture

Geez, feeling like a muppet is a real bummer!

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:20 | 4547380 sudzee
sudzee's picture

I'm just a bit tired of WINNING guys.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:20 | 4547382 Hot Piece of Bass
Hot Piece of Bass's picture

Kerry: Soon... this will all be mine...

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:21 | 4547383 The.Harmless.Who
The.Harmless.Who's picture



Kerry thought bubble: "what was I thinking? I should have never taken on this role, way out of my depth".


Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:21 | 4547388 hotrod
hotrod's picture

What if Pelosi shows you her teets, would that help?

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:23 | 4547405 unplugged
unplugged's picture

alternate version:  

What if Pelosi shows you her cock, would that help?

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:21 | 4547389 RSDallas
RSDallas's picture

Because they both know that the death toll will be huge for both sides.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:23 | 4547397 RacerX
RacerX's picture

That looks like a date that did not end well.

no Happy Ending

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:23 | 4547403 Rising Sun
Rising Sun's picture

Kerry is a stupid fucking drunk.  Barry and his band of 10th rank fucking morons - fucked the economy and then created a side show to distract the bloody fucking mess they have created.


FUCK YOU JOHN KERRY - you useless tit!!!!

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:27 | 4547433 El Hosel
El Hosel's picture

" I'm so depressed I couldn't get it up with a hydraulic jack".

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:30 | 4547453 Fíréan
Fíréan's picture

Your economy was fukt long time before O'bama got thro' the door.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:24 | 4547406 fooshorter
fooshorter's picture

You told me you loved Tymoshenko

Why did you send in the jackals, all alone?

Now you tell me you need me

When you call for sanctions, on the phone

Horse I refuse, you must have me confused

With some other czar,

Your false flag was burned, and now it's your turn

To cry, cry me ria



yea .. yea.. yea..



Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:24 | 4547407 youngman
youngman's picture

Kerry should be turned into glue....way past his time..the Catsup is not working

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:49 | 4547536 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

Kerry would make horrible glue. He can't get ANYTHING to stick.

Syria anyone?

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:24 | 4547409 Spungo
Spungo's picture

He lost an election against the worst president ever because he has absolutely zero charisma. Now he's secretary of state. Yeah, that makes sense. Idiots. I wonder how he's negotiating this. "I understand but don't understand why Russia is or is not in Crimea or not Crimea."

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:56 | 4547584 Thoth
Thoth's picture

But he bought himself a new face!

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 14:48 | 4549026 Kelley
Kelley's picture

Kerry ran aganst Bush, not Obama, you silly goose.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:25 | 4547418 Unprepared
Unprepared's picture

Kerry: Gentlemen, I want you all to know that the minister was very hard, but also very straight.

From Ali G

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:26 | 4547423 shankster
shankster's picture

Kerry always looks like that when he's happy.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:28 | 4547424 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

'Skeletor? The U.S. sent us the WORST superhero ever? We want FREE MONEY!'

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:27 | 4547431 paint it red ca...
paint it red call it hell's picture

Gotta keep telling myself, "I'm doing God's work! I'm doing God's work!".

Blankfein says it will help me sleep at night...

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:28 | 4547435 shankster
shankster's picture

Picture (if you will) two wall-flowers.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:28 | 4547438 Infinite QE
Infinite QE's picture

Kerry: "If it wasn't for those Skull N Bones sex tapes they have on me, I could be basking in the sun in Bermuda, not taking orders from some neo-con mad woman."

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:29 | 4547443 shankster
shankster's picture

Last 2 left in last evenings night court line-up.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:30 | 4547449 nah
nah's picture


Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:47 | 4547452 Notsobadwlad
Notsobadwlad's picture

Kerry double: "I am not really John Kerry"
Minister: "We Know"
Kerry Double: "And this is not really my hair, but it is necessary to project the illusion. It keeps people from looking too closely."
Minister: "We know"
Kerry Double: "And all that talk about plastic surgery was just a ruse"
Minister: "We Know"

Kerry Double: "I have no idea where the real Kerry is"
Minister: "We know!"

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:31 | 4547457 sudzee
sudzee's picture

My name is Kerry, John Kerry. Why did he call me Ben Dover?

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:35 | 4547468 Sean7k
Sean7k's picture

Just a thought: could be zionsts (Russia)versus illuminati(US, Europe) for the world. Crimea = Poland/Chechoslovakia. Collaboration only went so far. Luciferians win either way. One group to rule us all and in the darkness, bind us. 

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:53 | 4547553 Notsobadwlad
Notsobadwlad's picture

At the top everyone works together. The polarization is an illusion created by those in power to keep the people in slavery... and yet productively occupied serving the master(s).

You can tell them by their actions not their words. If they talk of peace, but create war; if they talk of human rights, but enslave and murder ... then you have found them.

What is the ultimate goal? You might as well ask: "Where are we? Who are we? Why are we here?" It would not be the first time the questions were asked.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 11:58 | 4548234 Sean7k
Sean7k's picture

Might want to brush up on your talmud and that whole gentile mule thingy. The people at the top may not be "people" at all.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:39 | 4547474 EvlTheCat
EvlTheCat's picture

He is Mister Ed.

Looks like a Bevis and Butthead precious moment.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 11:31 | 4548103 pupdog1
pupdog1's picture

He is the back end of Mr. Ed.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:43 | 4547506 TideFighter
TideFighter's picture

"I rode here in a car....leaving on a horse [face]."

"I watch your very funny black & white show before bed I go!"

"I remember time you had Frenchie hat and wanted to paint!" 

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:43 | 4547507 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Lavrov, thinking to himself: "Dammit, why did Vlad send me the link to that William Banzai picture of Kerry as Herman Munster? I'm trying to keep a straight face here."

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:44 | 4547508 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Kerry, thinking to himself: "Oats..."

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:44 | 4547511 alfred b.
alfred b.'s picture


     Kerry:   "Now, what were my wife's instructions again?....oh yeah, appear presidential"


Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:45 | 4547516 Clueless1
Clueless1's picture

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.



Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:46 | 4547521 JohnnyPl
JohnnyPl's picture

"Hey Kerry you know Ukraine is fucked right?"


Kerry - "Have you ever heard of Heinz ketchup, cause I have deal for you."

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:46 | 4547522 JohnnyPl
JohnnyPl's picture

"Hey Kerry you know Ukraine is fucked right?"


Kerry - "Have you ever heard of Heinz ketchup, cause I have deal for you."

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:47 | 4547526 martens50
martens50's picture

"You were such a big supporter in Nicaragua before Violeta won. Why aren't you behind us now?"


Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:47 | 4547529 LibertyBear
LibertyBear's picture

- Lavrov: This guy is a lying f****** a******.

- Kerry: Sigh, I wish I could be on my boat right now.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:48 | 4547532 steelrules
steelrules's picture

One of these faces is not like the other, one is confident and strong, the other looks submissive and weak.

You decide.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:49 | 4547537 1stepcloser
1stepcloser's picture

I told you Assad loved my Ketchup..and you will to


Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:49 | 4547538 BrigstockBoy
BrigstockBoy's picture

Kerry: "You said you were using protection..."
Lavrov: "Nyet!"

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:51 | 4547545 trevor15
trevor15's picture

I can't believe Russia is the largest importer of ketchup.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:56 | 4547577 lakecity55
lakecity55's picture

If I were the president, we would not be in this fix.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:57 | 4547592 1835jackson
1835jackson's picture

K: "Want to get a beer after this?"

L: "Sure"

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:57 | 4547593 Notsobadwlad
Notsobadwlad's picture

Kerry: "I've decided to come out."
Lavrov: "Don't look at me gay boy."

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 09:58 | 4547598 22winmag
22winmag's picture

Frankenstein on crack!

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 10:02 | 4547624 Debugas
Debugas's picture

Kerry's look out the window is saying "Bye-bye Crimea"

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 10:02 | 4547628 Hulk
Hulk's picture

Man, the older Kerry gets, the more he looks like Hermann Munster...

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 10:07 | 4547661 Cornholiovanderbilt
Cornholiovanderbilt's picture

Kerry:  Are we sharing a little boy tonight?

Lavrov: Yes but you get sloppy seconds!

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 10:07 | 4547667 rwe2late
rwe2late's picture

Kerry's history lesson fails to convince Lavrov:

" Texas analogy doesn't apply to Crimea.

US just doesn't recognize any voting to be annexed."


Fri, 03/14/2014 - 10:08 | 4547672 Johnny Cocknballs
Johnny Cocknballs's picture

that's a shit-eating frown.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 10:23 | 4547751 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

If he is supposed to be a skilled negotiator as required by his position, the dumb fuck knows nothing of projecting the type of body language absolutely necessary for his position.  I would not want this fucktard on my high school debating team...

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 10:24 | 4547763 Toolshed
Toolshed's picture

A thought balloon above Lavrov's head would read: "Fuck these lying American vermin. We won't EVER believe their horse shit again!!"

The thought ballon above Kerry's head would read: "Hmmmmm, i wonder If there is enough room on my State Dept. credit card to fuel up my yacht for this weekend?"

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 10:24 | 4547765 dukofhazzard
dukofhazzard's picture

Kerry: "That poor cat... I sure hope it landed on its feet."

Lavrov: "I hate cats."

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 11:15 | 4548014 justsayin2u
justsayin2u's picture

Did you fart?

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 11:18 | 4548024 thegreygrater
thegreygrater's picture

They shoot horses -- don't they.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 11:22 | 4548045 Village-idiot
Village-idiot's picture

Kerry lets go a terrific SBDer. Lavrov gets a whiff, gives Kerry a dirty look.

All body-language explained!

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 11:45 | 4548100 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture

Says War Minister Kerry: "In Syria we held back for humanitarian reasons, but my boss says this time it's for real."

                   Thinks Russian Minister: "Lying mother-fucker is war criminal.  Look like horse."

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 11:37 | 4548110 Ariadne
Ariadne's picture

1: "They want us to impeach Obama, prosecute the current administration for treason and then hand them over to Putin to face charges for the Ukraine coup attempt. Do you realize what a can of worms this would open? Once Obama is out of the US they can hand him over to face charges in Syria, Libya, Yemen, Afghanistan, Iraq AND Iran. Then Bush. Then Clinton.... Kissinger."

"Fuuuuuuuuck, dude. Fuck."

"Thats not the problem. They want Soros. In chains. We can't give them Soros."

"Why not?"

2: "o_0"

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 11:51 | 4548176 Itchy and Scratchy
Itchy and Scratchy's picture

'Both of our hockey teams sucked  ....  didn't they?'

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 11:57 | 4548226 Joe A
Joe A's picture

Did somebody die?

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 12:11 | 4548308 Itchy and Scratchy
Itchy and Scratchy's picture

Are you sure your not interested in my wife?

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 12:42 | 4548457 KCCO
KCCO's picture

do you even lift bro?

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 12:42 | 4548458 KCCO
KCCO's picture

do you even lift bro?

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 13:18 | 4548623 monad
monad's picture

Considering all the perks I'd expect you to be more enthusiastic about your job. We are paying you well, patsy.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 13:46 | 4548732 ginunn
ginunn's picture

I don't like your dog either.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 14:38 | 4548940 Kelley
Kelley's picture

Even uncaptioned the lower photo made me burst out laughing!

A caption might be gilding the lily.


Kerry thinking; "Hmm, Al Lewis looks a lot younger in person."

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 15:00 | 4549080 Kelley
Kelley's picture

Photographer catches the moment Kerry discovers the Russian Foreign Minister isn't gay.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 17:06 | 4549746 monad
monad's picture

God damn this internet, Ivan, I mean, Boris! How are you going to spin this act of naked agression? I'm all out of tricks.

Fri, 03/14/2014 - 23:43 | 4551057 Kelley
Kelley's picture

Kerry: Please don't send me to my room!

Sat, 03/15/2014 - 20:14 | 4551369 unbeing
unbeing's picture


Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!