Summarizing Yellen's First (Disastrous) Press Conference

Tyler Durden's picture




 

"Miss me yet?"

"That will be $250,000 for the first 60 minutes, and $250,000 for every subsequent 60 minutes."

Why disastrous? Here is the statement that sent stocks reeling:

“So the language that we used in the statement is considerable period. So I, you know, this is the kind of term it’s hard to define. But, you know, probably means something on the order of around six months, that type of thing.”

Everything else was just Yellen rereading James Joyce's Ulysses. The key points from Bloomberg:

*YELLEN: CHANGE IN FED GUIDANCE IS NO CHANGE IN POLICY INTENT
*YELLEN SAYS SPENDING, PRODUCTION DATA IN LINE WITH EXPECTATIONS
*YELLEN SAYS LABOR MARKET CONTINUES TO IMPROVE
*YELLEN SAYS FINANCIAL CONDITIONS CONSISTENT WITH FOMC AIMS
*YELLEN SAYS FOMC EXPECTS INFLATION TO MOVE GRADUALLY TOWARD 2%
*YELLEN SAYS FOMC TO ENSURE POLICY CONSISTENT WITH DUAL MANDATE
*YELLEN REITERATES FED ASSETS TO CONTINUE TO EXPAND
*YELLEN SAYS FOMC DECISION CONSISTENT WITH PRIOR STATEMENTS
*YELLEN REITERATES QE IS `NOT ON A PRESET COURSE'
*YELLEN REITERATES QE FUTURE HINGES ON PERFORMANCE OF ECONOMY
*YELLEN SAYS LABOR MARKET IMPROVEMENT FASTER THAN ANTICIPATED
*YELLEN SAYS FED GUIDANCE BETTER REFLECTS CURRENT CONDITIONS
*YELLEN SAYS FOMC TO BASE ASSESSMENT ON WIDE RANGE OF DATA
*YELLEN SAYS RATE LIKELY TO STAY LOW FOR LONG AFTER QE ENDS
*YELLEN: FOMC WILL TAKE `BALANCED APPROACH' ON MANDATES ON EXIT
*YELLEN SAYS MANY ON FOMC SEE `RESIDUAL IMPACT' OF CRISIS
*YELLEN SAYS MUCH NEEDS TO BE DONE ON JOBS, INFLATION
*YELLEN REITERATES NEED FOR `HIGHLY ACCOMMODATIVE POLICY'
*YELLEN SAYS FORWARD GUIDANCE HAS BEEN EFFECTIVE
*YELLEN SAYS FORWARD GUIDANCE HAS `VERY USEFUL IMPACT'
*YELLEN SAYS GUIDANCE CHANGE WILL PROVIDE MORE INFORMATION
*YELLEN SAYS GUIDANCE WILL BE QUALITATIVE
*YELLEN SAYS FOMC `NOT CLOSE' TO ACHIEVING FULL EMPLOYMENT
*YELLEN: FOMC TO LOOK AT `MANY MORE THINGS' THAN JOBLESS RATE
*YELLEN SAYS FOMC FULLY COMMITTED TO 2% INFLATION OBJECTIVE
*YELLEN SAYS INFLATION LIKELY TO GRADUALLY MOVE TOWARD 2%
*YELLEN: FOMC ASSESSMENT OF ECONOMY ALMOST IDENTICAL TO DECEMBER
*YELLEN SAYS FOMC STATEMENT PRIMARY FORM OF GUIDANCE
*YELLEN REITERATES NEXT FALL LIKELY TIME FOR ENDING QE
*YELLEN SAYS FOMC FORECAST `DOTS' WILL FLUCTUATE
*YELLEN SEES NEED NOT TO READ TOO MUCH INTO FOMC FORECAST `DOTS'
*YELLEN SEES POSSIBILITY FOR `SHALLOWER GLIDE PATH' FOR RATE
*YELLEN SAYS GROWTH HAS BEEN DISAPPOINTING FOR MANY YEARS
*YELLEN SAYS MANY FOMC PARTICIPANTS SEE HEADWINDS FROM CRISIS
*YELLEN: UNDERWATER MORTGAGES, FISCAL POLICY GROWTH OBSTACLES
*YELLEN SAYS PATH TO `NORMAL' INTEREST RATES MAY BE GRADUAL
*YELLEN SAYS WEATHER HAS WEAKENED ECONOMY IN FIRST QUARTER
*YELLEN SAYS MOST ON FOMC SEE WEATHER WEAKNESS DISSIPATING
*YELLEN SAYS FOMC PROBABLY `OVER-DID' OPTIMISM IN JANUARY
*YELLEN SAYS `THE BUCK STOPS WITH ME' ON POLICY
*YELLEN SAYS SHE `KEENLY' FEELS `WEIGHT OF RESPONSIBILITY'
*YELLEN SEES NO `RADICAL CHANGES' IN FED OPERATIONS
*YELLEN: FOMC HASN'T FACED TRADE-OFF ON INFLATION, EMPLOYMENT
*YELLEN:FOMC EVENTUALLY MAY FACE TRADE-OFF ON PRICES, EMPLOYMENT
*YELLEN:SEES CONSIDERABLE PERIOD BETWEEN QE END, FIRST RATE RISE
*YELLEN SAYS FIRST MAIN RATE INCREASE WILL HINGE ON ECONOMY
*YELLEN SAYS INFLATION CONSISTENTLY BELOW 2% WARRANTS LOW RATE
*YELLEN SAYS QE TAPER DEPENDS ON IMPROVEMENT IN LABOR MARKET
*YELLEN: QE TAPER NEEDS EVIDENCE INFLATION MOVING UP `OVER TIME'
*YELLEN REITERATES SHE LOOKS AT SEVERAL GAUGES OF LABOR MARKET
*YELLEN SAYS LONG TERM UNEMPLOYMENT BEEN `EXCEPTIONALLY HIGH'
*YELLEN SEES CYCLICAL COMPONENT IN FALLING LABOR PARTICIPATION
*YELLEN SAYS SHE ALSO TRACKS LABOR MARKET TURNOVER
*YELLEN SAYS `QUIT RATES' BELOW PRE-RECESSION LEVEL
*YELLEN SAYS HIRES RATE IN LABOR MARKET IS EXTREMELY DEPRESSED
*YELLEN SAYS `HIRES RATE' ALSO `EXTREMELY DEPRESSED'
*YELLEN SAYS WAGE GROWTH HAS BEEN VERY LOW
*YELLEN SAYS WAGE INFLATION BELOW NORMAL AT 2%
*YELLEN SAYS U.S. `LIVED THROUGH A DEVASTATING FINANCIAL CRISIS'
*YELLEN SAYS CRISIS TOOK A HIGH TOLL ON U.S. CITIZENS
*YELLEN SAYS CRISIS MADE BUSINESSES VERY CAUTIOUS
*YELLEN SAYS FISCAL POLICY HAS POSED HEADWIND TO RECOVERY
*YELLEN SAYS FED WILL TRY TO COMMUNICATE CLEARLY ON POLICY
*YELLEN SAYS RECOVERY HAS BEEN `DISAPPOINTING'
*YELLEN SAYS FED WILL TRY TO BE STEADY, TRANSPARENT ON POLICY
*YELLEN: FED WILL TRY NOT TO BE CAUSE OF MARKET INSTABILITY
*YELLEN SAYS RATE OF HOUSEHOLD FORMATION BEEN `VERY DEPRESSED'
*YELLEN EXPECTS HOUSING ACTIVITY TO PICK UP `LATER ON'
*YELLEN SAYS FOMC `COMMITTED TO THE SAME SET OF GOALS'
*YELLEN SAYS STRENGTHENING FINANCIAL SYSTEM WORK IN PROGRESS
*YELLEN SAYS `HIGH PRIORITY' TO RESOLVE `TOO BIG TO FAIL'
*YELLEN SAYS IMPORTANT TO ASSESS ANY POTENTIAL STABILITY THREATS
*YELLEN SAYS BERNANKE HAD GOOD AGENDA, IT'S ONE SHE SHARES
*YELLEN SAYS SHE SHARES AGENDA PURSUED BY BERNANKE
*YELLEN SAYS DIRECT BANKING LINKS TO RUSSIA, UKRAINE NOT LARGE
*YELLEN SAYS FED MONITORING VERY CLOSELY UKRAINE CRISIS
*YELLEN DOESN'T SEE GLOBAL FINANCIAL REPURCUSSIONS FROM UKRAINE
*YELLEN NOT SEEING BROADER GLOBAL FINANCIAL IMPACT OF UKRAINE

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Wed, 03/19/2014 - 15:33 | 4569093 Seeking Beta
Seeking Beta's picture

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 15:35 | 4569106 barliman
barliman's picture

 

The ChairSatan is dead!

Long live the ChairYenta!

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 15:36 | 4569112 General Decline
General Decline's picture

Bernake looks like an MK Ultra victim in that photo

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 15:38 | 4569129 Soul Glow
Soul Glow's picture

Bernanke looks like an MK Ultra victim because Bernanke is an MK Ultra victim.

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 15:44 | 4569137 nope-1004
nope-1004's picture

Yellen = incoherent blather.  With every second sentence being a lie, she probably feels bad.  You know.... woman thing.

No worries though... give her some time and she'll become a full fledged pathological liar and banksta sociopath soon enough.

 

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 15:47 | 4569181 Soul Glow
Soul Glow's picture

Amazingly she says there has been a full recovery.

We endured the deepest recession since the Great Depression.

She has taken ownership of what is about to unfold.  She will be hit with a financial crisis, and soon.

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 15:51 | 4569198 bania
bania's picture

apologies to everyone, bought gold yesterday, and didn't mention it. as gold gets smashed everytime i buy, i figure i should do the zh community this service.

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 16:01 | 4569249 gmrpeabody
gmrpeabody's picture

So... it was you!

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 16:07 | 4569269 I Am Not a Copp...
I Am Not a Copper Top's picture

Yeah I bought a couple ounces myself.  My bad.

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 17:53 | 4569678 BC6
BC6's picture

Don't buy any gold on the 22nd b/c I'll be adding a few ounces that day.

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 18:03 | 4569709 BringOnTheAsteroid
BringOnTheAsteroid's picture

Can someone tell this dusty cunt to shut the fuck up.

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 18:34 | 4569789 drdolittle
drdolittle's picture

I didn't buy s and p puts last week. Sorry, I could have protected us all.

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 23:31 | 4570910 The Big Ching-aso
The Big Ching-aso's picture

All she has to do is grow a beard. Shouldn't be too difficult.

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 16:28 | 4569346 lordylord
lordylord's picture

CENTRAL PLANNING GOES AGAINST THE VERY ESSENCE OF LIBERTY.  END THE FED!

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 17:30 | 4569601 1000 splendid suns
1000 splendid suns's picture

From a forest through the trees look at this situation, eg. read from a libertarian history book of the future, this would be the opportunity where the citizens would rise up and rout out this evil entity. Why it continues to exist is a sad state of humanity. I've tried waking others to its heinousness, but only receive 'meh' in return. I find myself laughing, like the very first comment to this article.

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 18:00 | 4569686 lordylord
lordylord's picture

Like my good friend Henry David Thoreau says, "We are underbred and low-lived and illiterate; and in this respect I confess I do not make any very broad distinction between the illiterateness of my townsman who cannot read at all and the illiterateness of him who has learned to read only what is for children and feeble intellects.”

 

It is a waste of time to talk to the people you refer to.  Reasoning with them does not work.  Not only are they ignorant, they are willfully ignorant.

Thu, 03/20/2014 - 13:23 | 4573231 gmrpeabody
gmrpeabody's picture

Mind if I paste that to my whiteboard...?

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 17:37 | 4569623 SunRise
SunRise's picture

and against simple common sense.  Who among us knows even how many dust particles currently cling to our shoes?  The arrogance of assuming anyone or ones can "manage" an economy.  Wave a baton in front of an elephant - SEE THERE - Told ya I'm in control!

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 17:49 | 4569665 lordylord
lordylord's picture

It's also immoral to print money.  Inflation is the most devious tax.  

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 17:53 | 4569681 HardlyZero
HardlyZero's picture

wow...quite a screed.

I hope its not always so frantic...or could it get worse ?

How about when the other FEDs speak up ?   Will there be a screed melt-down ?

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 16:34 | 4569363 brak
brak's picture

of course it was Bania - "That's gold, Jerry! Gold!!!"

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 16:13 | 4569296 orez65
orez65's picture

"... gold gets smashed everytime i buy ..."

Mr. Bania, you are no match for my wife because she also picks the silver highs to buy!!!!!!!!!

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 16:20 | 4569319 the not so migh...
the not so mighty maximiza's picture

:-)

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 17:17 | 4569549 PT
PT's picture

Well, if you know its going yto happen then you should buy a little and then buy some more.
Or sell some and then buy it back again.

 

:P 

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 17:30 | 4569600 Moe Howard
Moe Howard's picture

I bought copper. Enough said?

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 19:02 | 4569913 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

Shhhhh! If you inform us of your purchases as a way to warn us that gold will fall in price, they will charge us all with "insider trading" or something. That is, unless they are still busy with the MFGlobal and Corzine "investigation."

 

"I saw Corzine in my toilet bowl this morning."

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 15:58 | 4569237 BlackChicken
BlackChicken's picture

I'm not sure she has taken ownership of anything, in contrast it it Yellen that is owned.

Anyone find it odd that Reuters would need to make almost 100 updates to the Fed release? It's like they ate desperate to manage expectations or something...

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 16:05 | 4569242 Soul Glow
Soul Glow's picture

Can we deduce that if she thinks that the recession that started in '08 is over that she is taking over with a clean slate?  If so, then isn't the onus for economic prosperity on her policy, not Bernanke?

Listen to the first few minutes of her testimony to Congress.  She says the recession is over.

Yellin Testifies:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5A_6y0Wz0r4

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 16:08 | 4569279 BlackChicken
BlackChicken's picture

To some degree yes, but she is still a scapegoat for what is coming. The slate isn't clean, and the Fed is scrambling to keep a lid on the markets.

She is just the new carnival barker for the freak show.

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 16:31 | 4569353 Soul Glow
Soul Glow's picture

We agree then.

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 16:34 | 4569362 lordylord
lordylord's picture

Government will never want to admit central planning destroyed the economy.  Something will happen which will serve as an excuse when it all falls apart.  My guess is a big "natural" disaster, a big terrorist attack, or another war (possibly WWIII). 

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 16:07 | 4569274 Z_End
Z_End's picture

She is going to be the Fall Girl...

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 16:37 | 4569374 I am more equal...
I am more equal than others's picture

 

 

 

I thought you said she was going to be the FAT Girl.....

My bad, Fail Girl

 

oh, Fall Girl

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 17:31 | 4569603 Wahooo
Wahooo's picture

She'll never be a Bond girl.

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 18:52 | 4569880 KnightTakesKing
KnightTakesKing's picture

Au contraire. She sells lots of bonds. That's the problem -- she's one hellava Bond girl.

Thu, 03/20/2014 - 00:09 | 4571051 chinoslims
chinoslims's picture

Her bond girl name is Fiat Galore.

Thu, 03/20/2014 - 01:45 | 4571278 JethroBodien
JethroBodien's picture

Stop being a pussy...

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 15:48 | 4569184 Vampyroteuthis ...
Vampyroteuthis infernalis's picture

With every second sentence being a lie, she probably feels bad.  You know.... woman thing.

A Chairthing with a conscience?

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 19:45 | 4570015 New_Meat
New_Meat's picture

"A Chairthing with a conscience?"

Dude, ya gotta' understand--that conscience thing was surgically removed four promotions ago for the lad.

Mr. Yellin, I'm talkin' about.

and all of the other crowd gathering up toward the next blessed coronation

- Ne

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 15:51 | 4569201 Rainman
Rainman's picture

She be gettin the botox and be the banksta's sexiest bagman since .... forever !

 

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 17:40 | 4569636 Town Crier
Town Crier's picture

Google some of her high school photos. Seriously a major babe.

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 18:38 | 4569815 drdolittle
drdolittle's picture

Don't know about major babe but tolerable. The years have not been kind to her whereas I've gotten better looking. Mainly because of the size of the bulge in my pocket. My back pocket.

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 16:00 | 4569243 Headbanger
Headbanger's picture

AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!        I'M GONNA HAVE NIGHTMARES ALL NIGHT FROM SEEIN G THOSE ... THINGS...   FUCKKKK!!

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 16:20 | 4569318 Conax
Conax's picture

I stopped after the first two.

Monitors don't grow on trees.

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 16:40 | 4569387 RafterManFMJ
RafterManFMJ's picture

I stopped after one; a man gotsta know his limitations.

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 16:49 | 4569430 OldPhart
OldPhart's picture

CHRIST!!  The first one actually startled me!

*shudder!*

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 20:53 | 4570224 Karl von Bahnhof
Karl von Bahnhof's picture

Yellen is a Grandma!

She likes to speak to kids...!

Runaway!!!!!!

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 16:31 | 4569355 BlindMonkey
BlindMonkey's picture

Is Halfbright modeling her look after Gollum?

Wed, 03/19/2014 - 15:58 | 4569236 tempo
tempo's picture

Yellen, recommended leader for next lesbian seal 6 team.

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