Dear Unnamed "Significant Financial Institution": The DOJ Has Some Very Bad News For You

Tyler Durden's picture


Looks like someone didn't pay their annual "cost of conducting criminal business" bribe:

Fox Business' Charlie Gasparino leaks a hint that it may be, surprise, an HFT firm (not really, considering Goldman is now actively bashing HFT itself and promoting its own-supported IEX exchange, a move that has left many stunned)"

So who is it?  And please free Jon Corzine already!

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Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:19 | 4611081 JPM Hater001
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Jamie Dimond retired right?  So then the real question is his whereabouts then?

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:28 | 4611132 Canadian Dirtlump
Canadian Dirtlump's picture

probably on his own private island sexually assaulting under age slaves.


either way I like the notion, but to think the gesture is nobe and based in the rule of law is probably lunacy.


That being the case, the tweet, if from an official government source strikes me as unprofessional ( again I appreciate the notion ).


Also, in looking at the twitter feed, the guy pictured there needs to get a round of asshole bleach on each eyelid. What the fuck.

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:35 | 4611159 Jam Akin
Jam Akin's picture

Corzine-Weiner 2016.  Immunity awaits.

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:47 | 4611197 ZerOhead
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"You can expect that before long a significant financial institution will be charged with a felony or be made to plead guilty to a felony"

Okay... my guess then is that a TBTF will be charged with a felony,

The DOJ will then almost certainly conduct the prosecution in such a manner that could only result in a not guilty verdict and yet Justice has still been served.

They call it a Show Trial!   See?

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:48 | 4611214 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

Screw the DOJ.  Just send in Max Keiser -

Max Keiser beats Jamie Dimon Banker off his show -

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:49 | 4611222 outamyeffinway
outamyeffinway's picture

Does that mean the entire organization will be penalized since companies are individuals now?

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:51 | 4611230 Richard Chesler
Richard Chesler's picture

OK, which TBTF did not contribute to the Obozo campaign?


Mon, 03/31/2014 - 14:02 | 4611279 Steve in Greensboro
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If they had any ethics, the SDNY would investigate the Federal Reserve.  There is no more economically destructive financial institution than the Fed.  But of course both the SDNY and the Fed are part of the same total state, so the Fed is safe.

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 14:08 | 4611305 BaBaBouy
BaBaBouy's picture

 ==> SACKS   ???
 ==> J P & M ???

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 14:45 | 4611458 quintago
quintago's picture

bribe or tribe?

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 14:37 | 4611311 TruthInSunshine
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Whisper rumor that e*trade baby has been taken into custody after a surreal 4 1/2 hour heavily armed standoff with SWAT, where he was heard repeatedly yelling "you'll never take me alive, midget-donkey porn SEC watchers!"

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 15:28 | 4611584 DeadFred
DeadFred's picture

Much better that than have them shred the constitution any more by going after MFGlobal. It's clearly double jeopardy to go bankrupt because your clients' fund vaporize AND THEN get charged with a felony because your clients' funds vaporized.

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:50 | 4611226 fonestar
fonestar's picture

Fucking ridiculous that press releases now come in the form of Twatter??

Why not just use Teen Magazine?

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:56 | 4611254 Cursive
Cursive's picture


This Luddite statement coming from Major Bitcoin?

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 14:15 | 4611336 Tall Tom
Tall Tom's picture

If he is not bringing up Bitcoin then why are you?


He gets an uparrow from me in that his assessment is correct. You get the Downarrow as you cannot agree with the truth which he exposes....because of the messinger...not because of the substance of the truth.


Basing your actions on personalities rather than principles just serves to demonstrate a lack of depth in your thinking and character.


(I was not, and I am not, a Bitcoin proponent.)

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 14:45 | 4611456 Miles Ahead
Miles Ahead's picture

Bam... with the right hand.  Let me double down on that junk arrow.  I'm no Bitcoin bug either, but fonestar has always seemed a bit like Bruce Lee  in Fists of Fury... taking on all comers.  At once.

Just sayin'.

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 14:55 | 4611483 Cursive
Cursive's picture

@Miles Ahead

but fonestar has always seemed a bit like Bruce Lee  in Fists of Fury... taking on all comers.  At once.

Geez, don't get carried away with you fantasy there, buddy.  Anyway, "Tall Tom" says that you're not supposed to bring personalities into your decision making process, so you should probably discuss that "Tall Tom."

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 15:06 | 4611517 Miles Ahead
Miles Ahead's picture

My support was for Tall Tom's to the point right cross.

As for fonestar, I don't know his personality - I'm more results oriented.  And you gotta give credit where credit is due: no one has been able to lay a glove on him at least since I've been on here. 

Now I know Bruce Lee didn't use gloves, and there's where my analogy starts to unravel. But if I'm not mistaken Kareem Abdul Jabbar did have on some kind of gloves in Game Of Death so maybe I can turn this thing around somehow...  give me a moment.

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 15:18 | 4611526 Cursive
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@Miles Ahead

My support was for Tall Tom's to the point right cross.


And you gotta give credit where credit is due: no one has been able to lay a glove on him at least since I've been on here. 

He's visited the canvas one too many times to even be allowed back in the debate ring.  And, finally, you do realize that he confused a "tweet" with a press release, don't you?  Of course, I expect nothing less embarrassing from fonestar.



Mon, 03/31/2014 - 18:12 | 4612073 Rusty Shorts
Rusty Shorts's picture

Hats off to fonestar, at least he fought his way into Fight Club, and got kick around pretty hard there for awhile..not saying I agree with everything he has to say, but he does have a little grit in him...

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 15:06 | 4611467 Cursive
Cursive's picture

@Tall Tom

Are you always this self-righteously bitchy?  Maybe the irony of fonestar (or you) using the Internet to complain about the use of new technology is lost on yourself.  BTW, dipshits, the twitter message in question is not even a "press release," so shuffle back to the colective hole that you crawled out of.

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 14:05 | 4611292 CCanuck
CCanuck's picture

That's Fucking hilarious coming from you Phonestar, evolution of fiat currency is Da'Bomb.

But the evolution of transmitting information is "Teen Magazine".

Now, Go Fuck yourself with a roll of Bitcoins, you douchbag hypocrite.

+1 for making me laugh

Disclosure, I do not have twitter account, and could care less for the platform and how it's used.  


Mon, 03/31/2014 - 14:54 | 4611478 Miles Ahead
Miles Ahead's picture

Now, all lines considered, this has to be the dumbest comment on ZH ever.

Bitcoin is evolution of fiat?

Twitter is evolution of transmitting information?  Whew... what's the ticker symbol... I need to get me some.

And lastly, you could care less nor do you use it, but care enough to give fonestar a piece of your mind... with extreme prejudice.

Casual medical diagnosis here is the evolution of something else that has been transmitted.  In a manner not at all unlike the suggestion re; the "roll of Bitcoins".

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 14:10 | 4611314 Deathrips
Deathrips's picture


That was some bad acting...MAX..just bring in Kimbo Slice. For a couple hundred paper gs per punch..Kimbo will ask your questions via ear microphone instruction to chosen shill. This should be the public trial. Full Idocracy.

Every time theres a lie. Kimbo gets paid.

This will be the best and most viewed pay per view ...IN HISTORY!!! (not to be confused with what really happened)


Ill take my cut in silver.


Silver Bitchez!!



Mon, 03/31/2014 - 14:39 | 4611429 Freddie
Freddie's picture

We all know it will not be Goldman Sachs.  Isn't the DOJ part of the Dept of Treasury?  It would be like the DOJ prosecuting itself if they went after Goldman.

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 18:39 | 4612176 waterhorse
waterhorse's picture

"We all know it will not be Goldman Sachs."


Yeah, DAMN IT!  I'm getting real tired of that gloating arrogant bald fuck who claims he's "doing God's work".

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 16:40 | 4611811 War_is_Peace
War_is_Peace's picture

OR...they will settle for what the DOJ considers an acceptable sum.  No due process of law here, folks.

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:49 | 4611217 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

"Internet remembers, guillotine never forgets."

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 14:04 | 4611290 Deathrips
Deathrips's picture

I havent spent much time on twitter. Do all the shills really just sit around a suck eachother off all day? That fox feeds a good place to start a lynching list.

SILVER!!!! FUCK YOU JAMIE DIMON (and reptile fascozionist demons)


Mon, 03/31/2014 - 15:23 | 4611561 No More Bubbles
No More Bubbles's picture

Jamie Dimond retired right?

NO, he has not, and his name is DIMON.

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 15:45 | 4611637 Larry Dallas
Larry Dallas's picture

My guess is the firm about to go public with only 1 day of trading losses in the past 1000 or so...



Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:21 | 4611092 oklaboy
oklaboy's picture

oookkayyy, who didn't pay the bag man Friday?

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:32 | 4611147 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

His name better not be "Putin."

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:37 | 4611175 Cursive
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They may have paid, but with all of the heat coming down on the FIRE sector, somebody's going to have to "take one for the team."

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:52 | 4611229 hobopants
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"Did you send out those tweets? Good that should show em, case closed"

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:21 | 4611094 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

AFAIK, there's only one significant financial institution in NYC.

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:22 | 4611095 insanelysane
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Bankers: "We'll pay almost anything as long as we can say we are admitting to nothing."

Law Enforcement: "Ok." (as they count the cash and take the front row tickets)

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:22 | 4611096 bobnoxy
bobnoxy's picture

Gotta be an early April Fool's joke, right?

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:23 | 4611098 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture

Stop picking on Jon Corzine !!

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 14:05 | 4611291 eclectic syncretist
eclectic syncretist's picture

The Obama administration is gonna bitch-slap those HFTs with a $500,000 fine against the billions they've stolen and that will teach them a lesson they'll never forget.

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 14:49 | 4611470 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture

They will be stinging so much from the bitch-slap that they will underwrite the Hillary/2016 campaign.....

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:24 | 4611112 oklaboy
Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:23 | 4611100 EscapeKey
EscapeKey's picture

JT Marlin.

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:23 | 4611101 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

How can someone "be made" to plead guilty?

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:25 | 4611114 ArkansasAngie
ArkansasAngie's picture

Threaten their family

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:34 | 4611156 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

ummmm.....that can have the opposite effect actually.

this "family" better not have a name either.
or "be connected to a visceral historical reality."

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:24 | 4611108 digitlman
digitlman's picture

Talk is cheap.  Let's see some fucking handcuffs.

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:29 | 4611136 Jayda1850
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Fuck the handcuffs, roll in the guillotines! 

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:31 | 4611137 Jayda1850
Jayda1850's picture

so hungry for banker blood had a dupe post.

Mon, 03/31/2014 - 13:49 | 4611223 Pickleton
Pickleton's picture

lol.  Entirely forgiveable.

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