Headlines From April 2016: Dow Jones-30 Suspended Due To Lack Of Interest

Tyler Durden's picture

Submitted by Charles Hugh-Smith of OfTwoMinds blog,

Though many blame the Global Crash of 2015 for the loss of faith in stocks, others say the erosion dated back to at least 2014.

April 1, 2016: In an unprecedented move, Dow Jones announced that it was suspending its iconic Dow Jones Industrial Average of 30 large-cap stocks "due to lack of interest." The move caught the mainstream media by surprise, but those who had watched public interest and participation in the stock market dwindle in recent years expressed little shock.

"Now that everybody knows it's all rigged, that it's just a bunch of computers skimming from each other and a handful of daytraders, what's the point?" commented one former employee of a trading desk.

The few still employed on Wall Street were equally circumspect. "There's nobody here except a few techs running the machines," one lamented. "A couple of years ago guys were killing themselves because they'd lost a lot of money. Now we're dying of boredom."

"It's really rather surreal," one former financial journalist marveled. "The big trading desks are still making money 400 days in a row, the Federal Reserve is still pumping money into stocks, but nobody cares any more. Once they realized the market no longer had anything to do with the real economy or their future, they lost interest."

Though many blame the Global Crash of 2015 for the loss of faith in stocks, others say the erosion dated back to at least 2014, when the F.B.I. revealed its investigation into high-frequency trading (HFT), and the perception that the market was rigged went mainstream.

"There were plenty of buy-side analysts who said, 'OK, the market's rigged, so that means it's safe to pile in,'" the journalist noted. "But the Global Crash of 2015 mooted that guarantee."

A former financial analyst who now grows organic lettuce for a living observed, "As soon as all the suckers, and by that I don't mean Ma and Pa Kettle, I mean the pension funds and insurance companies, had their heads handed to them in the crash, it was game over. When the Fed started openly buying equities, the funds that had survived the crash didn't jump back in."

According to a well-connected observer who requested anonymity, public disgust extends beyond the rigged market to everyone who aided and abetted the scheme. "The F.B.I. investigates for two years but can't find anyone to prosecute. What does that say about our system of so-called justice? It's as rigged as the market."

Rating of financial news programs plummeted as the public lost interest, and most were cancelled due to poor ratings. Jim Cramer still hosts a web-based program touting stocks but the audience appears to be mostly hecklers who lost money following his "stay long and strong" advice just before the crash wiped out everyone who believed the Fed had their back.

One former Wall Streeter waxed nostalgic for the good old days when the stock market was still viewed as the road to legitimate riches. "It was really something else," he mused. "People believed the hype, they believed all the phony BS about the market being a level playing field and the Fed having their back, and they gave us their money willingly, even when it was obvious it was just a big embezzlement scheme."

Happy April Fools Day 2014.

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dirtyfiles's picture

I wish its true...

max2205's picture

At least throw in a bonus chart! 

Dollarmedes's picture

I wish this would happen and people would wake up, too. But it isn't going to happen because the Fed has made sure that the stock market is the only game left. As long as the market returns more than holding your money in a coffee can, it will continue.

Hippocratic Oaf's picture

Ah-ight Tyler, let that be the only fools joke. I'm too goddamn a nervous fuckin wreck these days.

Let it tank, let it be, pick up the pieces and get it the fuck over with.

The gig is up!

ArkansasAngie's picture

We don't have an economic problem, we have a poltical problem.  It is the politicians who are not upholding the rule of law.  It is the politicians who are letting the Fed do whatever the heck they want to do.

Just to be clear ... it is both Rebuplicans and Democrats who are responsible for this travesty.


Headbanger's picture

He forgot to mention:

The social media fad ending in mid 2015 when the public became sick of it as with any fad. 

And the collapsing roads and bridges not being repaired cause nobody drives anymore from lack of jobs and the total demise of shopping malls.

But increased walking and much leaner diets  caused by surging food prices have greatly reduced obesity and diabetes.

Unfortunately, homicide and suicide rates more than quadrupled resulting in increasing numbers of private police forces and funeral services.

Gunsmiths make as much as physicians!

Dollarmedes's picture

Some other things he forgot:

In order to attract investment toward the not-so-clean dirty shirt US economy, the Fed had to raise interest rates multiple times. The interest payments on the gigantic national debt became so large that they crowded out all other expenses.

When EBT was cut, the riots started...

yrad's picture

I agree. Where is the False Flag that broke the camels back!?!?

Rafferty's picture

The FED doesn't have to attract anything.  All it needs to do is PRINT and ask the banks to lend it out. Sure, this level of printing can't go on forever but it's gone on a hell of a lot longer than anyone could have guessed.

Modern Cimmerian's picture

Fortunately, the modern cimmerian is both a gunsmith and a physician.


long reloading kits

AGuy's picture

WTF? No mention of our Lord Obama, appointed Supreme lawmaker of the Socialist States of North America? What about the Terrorist plot of the Tea party that nearly nuked NYC?

grady8's picture

Put this one away for 2 years and have another read. What could people possibly be looking at today that gives them the confidance this probably won't play out?

101 years and counting's picture

Sounds like the ramblings of someone that is getting extremely fristrated with the non stop bullshit going on.  I feel the same as he.  When will this fucking pig die???

nickels's picture

I'm seeing a Simpsons episode- Homer at NYSE, with jelly donut, feet up on terminal--- Or maybe post-apocalyptic movie where aliens wander thru Wall Street 100 years after everyone has died, the machines still trading.

stant's picture

i hear tulips are coming back

asteroids's picture

Its irony. Due to the volatility suppression that the FED/boyz have implemented. It might very well come true.

madcows's picture

why is that an april fools joke.  i think that is a legit headline... albeit, an optimistic one.  i think the crash happens before 2015, and 2016 will be mad max, escape from new york, etc...

inky's picture

LOL ok Tyler you got me.


NoDebt's picture

I guess you pretty much have to imagine future headlines as an April Fools Day prank.  If you posted up an article that said the Dow just flash-crashed 2600 points right now, today, too many algos would take it seriously and we'd have a REAL market crash.

HRamos_3's picture


"Real" "Market" "Crash" all in the same phrase.

buzzsaw99's picture

Not a good April Fool's joke because it is too true.

Squid Viscous's picture

maybe NYC will be fun and somewhat affordable again without all the asshole i-bankers, hedge funders, lawyers and Euro trash...

Save_America1st's picture

Today, over 80% of all trades are performed by vacuum tube algo-bots.  By 2016 it will be 100% and by then even the algo-bots will be so bored with it all that they will be trying to figure out ways to commit suicide by nail-gun.

Battleaxe's picture

This already happened this year but the media is playing along like it didn't.

StupidEarthlings's picture

The april fools stuff is gettin a little old.

Amish Hacker's picture

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You mean the Fed doesn't have my back? This changes everything.

medium giraffe's picture

'Suspended' is the new 'down'.

GrinandBearit's picture

Do all us bears a favor Tyler, shut this site down now... then the market will go down. 

Georgia_Boy's picture

Now that the MyRA program has a controlling interest in all of the companies in the S&P 500, it was considered not worth the expense to continue to track it, and its value is set quarterly by the Fed anyway. By the way, updated hiring quotas are set to go into effect later this year, and companies in the index are not allowed to have profits totalling more than 2.7 percent of gross revenues, except for approved finanical firms.

Dick Gazinia's picture

April 1, 2016 - Headline

Tax Protestors Swarm the Whitehouse lawn with pitchforks - Guillotines being erected in the rose garden

SilverCoinLover's picture

This might just come true someday. Since yesterday's absurdity is now today's reality, why can't today's absurdity become tomorrow's reality?