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Headlines From April 2016: Dow Jones-30 Suspended Due To Lack Of Interest

Tyler Durden's picture


Submitted by Charles Hugh-Smith of OfTwoMinds blog,

Though many blame the Global Crash of 2015 for the loss of faith in stocks, others say the erosion dated back to at least 2014.

April 1, 2016: In an unprecedented move, Dow Jones announced that it was suspending its iconic Dow Jones Industrial Average of 30 large-cap stocks "due to lack of interest." The move caught the mainstream media by surprise, but those who had watched public interest and participation in the stock market dwindle in recent years expressed little shock.

"Now that everybody knows it's all rigged, that it's just a bunch of computers skimming from each other and a handful of daytraders, what's the point?" commented one former employee of a trading desk.

The few still employed on Wall Street were equally circumspect. "There's nobody here except a few techs running the machines," one lamented. "A couple of years ago guys were killing themselves because they'd lost a lot of money. Now we're dying of boredom."

"It's really rather surreal," one former financial journalist marveled. "The big trading desks are still making money 400 days in a row, the Federal Reserve is still pumping money into stocks, but nobody cares any more. Once they realized the market no longer had anything to do with the real economy or their future, they lost interest."

Though many blame the Global Crash of 2015 for the loss of faith in stocks, others say the erosion dated back to at least 2014, when the F.B.I. revealed its investigation into high-frequency trading (HFT), and the perception that the market was rigged went mainstream.

"There were plenty of buy-side analysts who said, 'OK, the market's rigged, so that means it's safe to pile in,'" the journalist noted. "But the Global Crash of 2015 mooted that guarantee."

A former financial analyst who now grows organic lettuce for a living observed, "As soon as all the suckers, and by that I don't mean Ma and Pa Kettle, I mean the pension funds and insurance companies, had their heads handed to them in the crash, it was game over. When the Fed started openly buying equities, the funds that had survived the crash didn't jump back in."

According to a well-connected observer who requested anonymity, public disgust extends beyond the rigged market to everyone who aided and abetted the scheme. "The F.B.I. investigates for two years but can't find anyone to prosecute. What does that say about our system of so-called justice? It's as rigged as the market."

Rating of financial news programs plummeted as the public lost interest, and most were cancelled due to poor ratings. Jim Cramer still hosts a web-based program touting stocks but the audience appears to be mostly hecklers who lost money following his "stay long and strong" advice just before the crash wiped out everyone who believed the Fed had their back.

One former Wall Streeter waxed nostalgic for the good old days when the stock market was still viewed as the road to legitimate riches. "It was really something else," he mused. "People believed the hype, they believed all the phony BS about the market being a level playing field and the Fed having their back, and they gave us their money willingly, even when it was obvious it was just a big embezzlement scheme."

Happy April Fools Day 2014.

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Tue, 04/01/2014 - 11:59 | 4613922 dirtyfiles
dirtyfiles's picture

I wish its true...

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:03 | 4613935 Pladizow
Pladizow's picture

Da Wedda did it!

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:27 | 4613994 max2205
max2205's picture

At least throw in a bonus chart! 

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:01 | 4614114 Dollarmedes
Dollarmedes's picture

I wish this would happen and people would wake up, too. But it isn't going to happen because the Fed has made sure that the stock market is the only game left. As long as the market returns more than holding your money in a coffee can, it will continue.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:04 | 4613936 Hippocratic Oaf
Hippocratic Oaf's picture

Ah-ight Tyler, let that be the only fools joke. I'm too goddamn a nervous fuckin wreck these days.

Let it tank, let it be, pick up the pieces and get it the fuck over with.

The gig is up!

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:17 | 4613961 ArkansasAngie
ArkansasAngie's picture

We don't have an economic problem, we have a poltical problem.  It is the politicians who are not upholding the rule of law.  It is the politicians who are letting the Fed do whatever the heck they want to do.

Just to be clear ... it is both Rebuplicans and Democrats who are responsible for this travesty.


Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:45 | 4614027 Headbanger
Headbanger's picture

He forgot to mention:

The social media fad ending in mid 2015 when the public became sick of it as with any fad. 

And the collapsing roads and bridges not being repaired cause nobody drives anymore from lack of jobs and the total demise of shopping malls.

But increased walking and much leaner diets  caused by surging food prices have greatly reduced obesity and diabetes.

Unfortunately, homicide and suicide rates more than quadrupled resulting in increasing numbers of private police forces and funeral services.

Gunsmiths make as much as physicians!

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:07 | 4614130 Dollarmedes
Dollarmedes's picture

Some other things he forgot:

In order to attract investment toward the not-so-clean dirty shirt US economy, the Fed had to raise interest rates multiple times. The interest payments on the gigantic national debt became so large that they crowded out all other expenses.

When EBT was cut, the riots started...

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:17 | 4614162 yrad
yrad's picture

I agree. Where is the False Flag that broke the camels back!?!?

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 17:42 | 4615189 Rafferty
Rafferty's picture

The FED doesn't have to attract anything.  All it needs to do is PRINT and ask the banks to lend it out. Sure, this level of printing can't go on forever but it's gone on a hell of a lot longer than anyone could have guessed.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:11 | 4614144 Modern Cimmerian
Modern Cimmerian's picture

Fortunately, the modern cimmerian is both a gunsmith and a physician.


long reloading kits

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:05 | 4614125 AGuy
AGuy's picture

WTF? No mention of our Lord Obama, appointed Supreme lawmaker of the Socialist States of North America? What about the Terrorist plot of the Tea party that nearly nuked NYC?

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:00 | 4613926 grady8
grady8's picture

Put this one away for 2 years and have another read. What could people possibly be looking at today that gives them the confidance this probably won't play out?

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:53 | 4614301 101 years and c...
101 years and counting's picture

Sounds like the ramblings of someone that is getting extremely fristrated with the non stop bullshit going on.  I feel the same as he.  When will this fucking pig die???

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:07 | 4613927 nickels
nickels's picture

I'm seeing a Simpsons episode- Homer at NYSE, with jelly donut, feet up on terminal--- Or maybe post-apocalyptic movie where aliens wander thru Wall Street 100 years after everyone has died, the machines still trading.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:02 | 4613929 stant
stant's picture

i hear tulips are coming back

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:03 | 4613934 Hal n back
Hal n back's picture

it is funny-

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:20 | 4613970 asteroids
asteroids's picture

Its irony. Due to the volatility suppression that the FED/boyz have implemented. It might very well come true.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:04 | 4613939 madcows
madcows's picture

why is that an april fools joke.  i think that is a legit headline... albeit, an optimistic one.  i think the crash happens before 2015, and 2016 will be mad max, escape from new york, etc...

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:06 | 4613941 inky
inky's picture

LOL ok Tyler you got me.


Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:06 | 4613942 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

I guess you pretty much have to imagine future headlines as an April Fools Day prank.  If you posted up an article that said the Dow just flash-crashed 2600 points right now, today, too many algos would take it seriously and we'd have a REAL market crash.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:35 | 4614025 HRamos_3
HRamos_3's picture


"Real" "Market" "Crash" all in the same phrase.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:06 | 4613943 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

Not a good April Fool's joke because it is too true.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:18 | 4613958 Squid Viscous
Squid Viscous's picture

maybe NYC will be fun and somewhat affordable again without all the asshole i-bankers, hedge funders, lawyers and Euro trash...

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:16 | 4613963 Save_America1st
Save_America1st's picture

Today, over 80% of all trades are performed by vacuum tube algo-bots.  By 2016 it will be 100% and by then even the algo-bots will be so bored with it all that they will be trying to figure out ways to commit suicide by nail-gun.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:25 | 4614193 Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill's picture

Soldering gun.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:17 | 4613964 Battleaxe
Battleaxe's picture

This already happened this year but the media is playing along like it didn't.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:28 | 4613998 StupidEarthlings
StupidEarthlings's picture

The april fools stuff is gettin a little old.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:39 | 4614036 Amish Hacker
Amish Hacker's picture

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You mean the Fed doesn't have my back? This changes everything.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:47 | 4614064 medium giraffe
medium giraffe's picture

'Suspended' is the new 'down'.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:07 | 4614131 GrinandBearit
GrinandBearit's picture

Do all us bears a favor Tyler, shut this site down now... then the market will go down. 

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:09 | 4614136 Georgia_Boy
Georgia_Boy's picture

Now that the MyRA program has a controlling interest in all of the companies in the S&P 500, it was considered not worth the expense to continue to track it, and its value is set quarterly by the Fed anyway. By the way, updated hiring quotas are set to go into effect later this year, and companies in the index are not allowed to have profits totalling more than 2.7 percent of gross revenues, except for approved finanical firms.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:53 | 4614305 Dick Gazinia
Dick Gazinia's picture

April 1, 2016 - Headline

Tax Protestors Swarm the Whitehouse lawn with pitchforks - Guillotines being erected in the rose garden

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 14:14 | 4614379 SilverCoinLover
SilverCoinLover's picture

This might just come true someday. Since yesterday's absurdity is now today's reality, why can't today's absurdity become tomorrow's reality?

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