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WTF Wal-Mart Headline Of The Day

Tyler Durden's picture


Quite frankly, we are stumped...


And rock'n'roll?


Bloomberg provides a little more color...

Wal-Mart Stores Inc., the world’s largest retailer, was sued by shareholder Trinity Church Wall Street, which seeks to force the board to exercise greater oversight of high-capacity weapons and sexually charged music.


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Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:48 | 4614066 Big Corked Boots
Big Corked Boots's picture

Another gun control stunt?

And that music kids listen to these days - Satanic, I say.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:52 | 4614081 Atlas_shrugging
Atlas_shrugging's picture

Well as long as there is sex and drugs I can do without rock n roll

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:56 | 4614100 Hippocratic Oaf
Hippocratic Oaf's picture

DeBlasio behind this?'s a church.


Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:02 | 4614116 daveO
daveO's picture

CHINO, Church in Name Only.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:14 | 4614154 fonestar
fonestar's picture

Churches with high capacity pews are anti-constitutional.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:24 | 4614187 knukles
knukles's picture

When Desmond Tutu says its fucked, it's fucked

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:27 | 4614199 0b1knob
0b1knob's picture

Walmart allows people to camp in its parking lot overnight.

How long before some degenerate camper commits a crime and deep-pocket Walmart gets sued for facilitating the criminal?

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:41 | 4614251 Gaius Frakkin' ...
Gaius Frakkin' Baltar's picture

Peak lawyers

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:43 | 4614258 Stackers
Stackers's picture

I thought they found the Treasure of the Knights Templar under the church ? What do they need investments for ?

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:37 | 4614229 Disenchanted
Disenchanted's picture

Nice work...if you can get it.



The Rev. Dr. James Herbert Cooper (the Rector)

  • Annual salary in 2011: $475,000, with pension and rectory included, $1.3 million[3]


Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:32 | 4614210 Abitdodgie
Abitdodgie's picture

So they dont want us to have high cap mags, but they are cool with the government been able to destroy the world 10 times over with nukes, this church must be  501c3 and have taken the 30 pices of silver.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:00 | 4614112 Ariadne
Ariadne's picture

As long as there are guns you can do whatever you want.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:07 | 4614132 Oldwood
Oldwood's picture

No Sex, No violence? If you think the economy is bad now, just wait....

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:21 | 4614177 geotrader
Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:14 | 4614153 JPM Hater001
JPM Hater001's picture

If we force unionization of all ZH bloggers I think we can go for all three here...

Sun, 04/06/2014 - 00:49 | 4629372 Angus McHugepenis
Angus McHugepenis's picture

JPM - Sent you a request via ZH. If you don't get it or notice it email me at

No worries, I separate the wheat from the chaff on that email.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:53 | 4614090 HoofHearted
HoofHearted's picture

I would suggest a first of April stunt...

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:57 | 4614104 El Vaquero
El Vaquero's picture

The problem is, there is so much DERP in the world today, it's tough to tell.  It would be funny if it is, and sad if it isn't.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:25 | 4614191 SunRise
SunRise's picture

Hmmmm, April Fools

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:56 | 4614095 Headbanger
Headbanger's picture

Just a stunt to get stupid believers to give money to the church. 

What a scam.

Wal Mart should stop selling Bibles to really piss em off!

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:56 | 4614099 drendebe10
drendebe10's picture

"Kill all the lawyers."   Shakespeare

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:26 | 4614195 Spumoni
Spumoni's picture

Nah - Trinity's a Whiskeypalian Church. Walmart screwed up by refusing to pay Trinity's property tax bills for the year, so now its the Devil's Hairpiece (Hell Toupee) for the Waltstones. Waddaya expect when you're (literally) at the top of Wall St.?

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 14:19 | 4614252 Deathrips
Deathrips's picture


Destroyer of local economies, rapist of local business and profit whore deserves to be sued. Then we should do the same to the church...all churches.


Personal preference like owning something, listening to something, not so much.


They keep dishing it up , cause the people keep eating it.



Tue, 04/01/2014 - 15:05 | 4614591 mntmn3
mntmn3's picture

Same Bill of Rights that keeps the church's doors open and tax free says the right to bear arms shall not be INFRINGED.

"Trinity is located near Zuccotti Park, the location of the Occupy Wall Street protest. It has offered both moral and practical support to the demonstrators but balked when church-owned land adjoining Juan Pablo Duarte Squarewas demanded for an encampment." - wikipedia

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:47 | 4614068 GetZeeGold
GetZeeGold's picture



Lock and load and rock and roll.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:08 | 4614133 Shad_ow
Shad_ow's picture

Catchy.  I like it.


Note*  Why don't they just sell the stock?  Is money more important than principles?

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:45 | 4614267 eclectic syncretist
eclectic syncretist's picture

Send lawyers, guns, and money, the shit has hit the fan.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:47 | 4614069 Stoploss
Stoploss's picture


Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:48 | 4614070 Dollarmedes
Dollarmedes's picture

Probably another socialist shakedown.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:49 | 4614072 Haus-Targaryen
Haus-Targaryen's picture

I wonder if this church habitually stands up and claps whilst swaying side to side in a loud and passionate manner?

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:50 | 4614076 Its_the_economy...
Its_the_economy_stupid's picture

HArdly, there you are as WASP as it gets.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:58 | 4614105 Haus-Targaryen
Haus-Targaryen's picture

You apparently don't know what that acronym means, or at least are unfamiliar with the middle two lettters. 

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:29 | 4614204 Spumoni
Spumoni's picture

WASP is redundant. Deliberate cloaking out in the open. One cannot be Anglo-Saxon without being White. What they really are are ASPS, more recognizeable for the poisonous legless bastards that they truly are...

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:50 | 4614078 El Vaquero
El Vaquero's picture

I wonder if they fall to the ground and convulse whilest speaking gibberish. 

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:56 | 4614101 Haus-Targaryen
Haus-Targaryen's picture

Bullish for medical services.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:59 | 4614080 Quus Ant
Quus Ant's picture

But every day low wages are a- ok.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:53 | 4614083 khakuda
khakuda's picture

I thought they were suing because the unions have successfully kept Walmart out of NYC, forcing all to pay higher prices than necessary.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:53 | 4614085 Confused
Confused's picture

Maybe the church needs another renovation. Got to keep in the publics mind. Or get the money the American way....sue. 

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:53 | 4614086 lasvegaspersona
lasvegaspersona's picture

yeah...where are the high capacity mags Walmart?...all I ever see are huntin' tactical whatsoever....I may join the suit....

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:59 | 4614110 Wahooo
Wahooo's picture

Saw Windham and S&W there the other day

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 18:03 | 4615247 Slave
Slave's picture

Probably sold out.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:53 | 4614088 schooltruth
schooltruth's picture

I'd suggest this is a strong competitor for headline of the day - - real-time crab pricing raises $5 mil??? Aims to turn crabbing into the next bitcoin?

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:54 | 4614094 centerline
centerline's picture

Fonestar is going to get the crabs?

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 14:09 | 4614348 813kml
813kml's picture

Doubtful, that would require interaction with real-life icky girls.  Or boys.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:54 | 4614092 centerline
centerline's picture

Teg Nugent is gonna love this one.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:02 | 4614117 dobermangang
dobermangang's picture

Time for a 10 minute rock break.  Crank it up!

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:54 | 4614093 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

We don't have any hi-cap weapons.  Dave's not here either.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:31 | 4614209 Spumoni
Spumoni's picture

Dave? I'm looking for my Labrador Black...

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:38 | 4614234 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

Dave?  Dave's not here.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 14:48 | 4614532 David449420
David449420's picture

NO, Man. I'm Dave. Let me in.


(We probably lost 90% the people here with this)

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 15:43 | 4614744 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

+1 Dave.  Dave's not here. They will get it now.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 16:25 | 4614917 Spumoni
Spumoni's picture

Knock knock...

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:57 | 4614103 replaceme
replaceme's picture

Does this church even know what a trinity is?  Left that opportunity to go wanting....

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:58 | 4614107 CaptainSpaulding
CaptainSpaulding's picture

Here kitty kitty. Here CAT!!!

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 12:58 | 4614108 Mr Giggles
Mr Giggles's picture

But not a word from them about usury or slavery.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:05 | 4614128 daveO
daveO's picture

Because the church is located in the Financial District.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:54 | 4614302 Gaius Frakkin' ...
Gaius Frakkin' Baltar's picture

Or selling goods (including Christmas decorations) made by Chinese heathens...

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:03 | 4614118 Mr Giggles
Mr Giggles's picture

Trinity, is that three snakes or four?

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:03 | 4614119 Oldwood
Oldwood's picture

I see few if any guns at Walmart in the metro areas. You must go to rural areas to find Walmarts with any real amount of guns...or ammo. I was told by a sales clerk that Walmart was limited by the government as to what and how many they could sell, but I have seen no proof of that. If anything I believe they are purely self serving, trying to keep it on the down low regarding gun sales, especially anywhere near the hood.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:59 | 4614329 Carl Popper
Carl Popper's picture

Lol. Yep. The walmarts around me in a super red state do a booming business in black scary guns with large magazines and all the bells and whistles an armchair survivalist covets.

I have a few myself. You cannot beat their prices.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:04 | 4614120 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

Last time I went to Wal Mart there was a bum standing in the middle of the doorway moving side to side so I could not enter without being accosted. It was disgusting. I'll never go back.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 14:11 | 4614359 fedupwhiteguy
fedupwhiteguy's picture

1 down, many to go. More ammo 4 me!!!!

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:04 | 4614122 Uber Vandal
Uber Vandal's picture

MATTHEW 10:35 from the "GOOD BOOK":

Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 "For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law angainst her mother-in-law.

Personally, I would feel much better if the police and alphabet agencies beat their swords into plow shares first.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:09 | 4614137 moonman
moonman's picture

The Following

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:11 | 4614127 medium giraffe
medium giraffe's picture

Wal-Mart should counter-sue them for wearing outrageous wizard costumes in public and spreading lies about an imaginary sky monster.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:19 | 4614161 Squid Viscous
Squid Viscous's picture

they own a good chunk of lower west side of manhattan, goes back to 1730's.... very unheralded real estate titans, must be heavy in WMT for their old money trust clients?

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:19 | 4614163 Nue
Nue's picture

A church on Wall Street? I wonder how Jesus would react to something like that?

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 14:29 | 4614442 813kml
813kml's picture

I bet their confessional gets some heavy traffic.  Also, would be a nice secluded sport for a key bump.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:19 | 4614171 Dark Space
Dark Space's picture

Me thinks the Church is responsible for much more pain, suffereing, and death, than any weapon or music purchased at Wal-Mart.

These guys have a $2 billion portfolio though, and in a lawsuit last year it became clear that the parishoners want the investments used to push their believes down upon their investments. Some lawyer has quite the teat to such dry with this group of churchgoers....

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:28 | 4614203 SunRise
SunRise's picture

"Me thinks the Church is used as an excuse for much more pain" . . . .     Alternate version

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 14:19 | 4614397 813kml
813kml's picture

I wonder how much of that portfolio will be siphoned away by litigation fees.  Walmart will extend this case to inifinity, there won't be a legal judgement before Judgement Day.

I can't believe that I'm rooting for Walmart, I feel dirty.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:27 | 4614189 Froman
Froman's picture

The Reverend at Trinity (James Cooper Sr.) was one of our neighbors back in the 80s.  To say that he is an incredible douche is an insult to douches.  It does/would not suprise me at all that this bozo is part of this.  The parishoners never could figure out how to get him the heck out of our church until finally some members of the congregation with some big $$$ called in some favors and made some big contributions to the head office (a couple of years after he left the church built a school, recreation hall and a four story parking garage).  In the true spirt of religion he and his family used to take advantage of an elderly widow in the neighborhood that was a parishoner.  She may have been trying to buy her way into heaven but Cooper and his family took full advantage of her and soaked her for everything from expensive meals to international trips (guess he missed/skipped the section of the "vow of poverty" as do a number of the Catholics).   I hope Wal-Mart has a platoon of attorneys that are members of the tribe that pick them clean.  Hopefully that will  happen as it could not happen to a nicer group of people.  Idiots.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 14:23 | 4614418 813kml
813kml's picture

Becoming a religious leader is the easiest path to success for a sociopath.  They don't even have to get creative, just repeat the lies laid out in church doctrine with a little more fear-mongering for added effect.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 14:58 | 4614551 khakuda
khakuda's picture

Seems you aren't kidding...

September 14, 2013- The FiDi subcommittee of the CB1 met to discuss the controversial plans of the Trinity Church to build a residential and cooperate skyscraper across the street for the historic church. This is far from the first controversy that church leader, Reverend James Cooper, has stirred up.

The Catholic Church usually comes to mind when one thinks of large landowners in Manhattan, but the Episcopal Anglican Trinity Church is the richest of them all, according to The NY Post. The article lists all of the properties held by the church, ranging from the site where the skyscrapers are planned to the reverend’s personal SoHo townhouse worth more than $5 Million. The total portfolio is worth more than $1 Billion.

According to the article, “Today, Trinity’s holdings — in addition to the church and nearby St. Paul’s Chapel — include 14 commercial buildings in the Hudson Square area of Manhattan. The revenue from the rents is some $200 million a year, which pays the operating expenses of the commercial properties and funds the operations of the church.”

The Post article portrays the reverend as man spending less on charitable mandates than on his pawn profligacy. The 67-year-old Cooper was paid $1.3 Million in 2010, including perks such as a Florida condo with maintenance fees, and African safaris paid for by the church.

The 22-mmeber board of the church has been upset, and half of them have either quit or been ousted. Cooper planned to step down, then reconsidered, subsequently targeting the members who criticized him.

Despite the largess of real estate possessed by the church and millions spent each year of PR campaigns, Reverend Cooper leads a small flock. One person counted only 49 people in the pews, then noticed that the church reported 113, counting tourists who wandered in.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 16:21 | 4614903 W74
W74's picture

Why doesn't the church use some of that real estate to house the poor?

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:38 | 4614233 silverserfer
silverserfer's picture

any lawsuit against wallmart is ok by me

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:42 | 4614253 wcvarones
wcvarones's picture

Great ad for Walmart!  I'm going shopping today!

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 14:07 | 4614341 Carl Popper
Carl Popper's picture

Hehe. Is that Pablo?if it is my story is that I spent time in medellin when your avatar was rising thru the ranks. Noce little burb. It got a little crazy after I left.

Cocaine 10 bucks a gram. So fresh and pure you could still smell the acetone.

Thank god I was poor or I would likely have been dead. Lol

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:43 | 4614262 q99x2
q99x2's picture

Globalism is the greatest threat to humanity since it wipes out nationalism and with it local and cultural identity which allows for the morality of the individual to be a guiding force.

We are doomed if the NWO succeeds (and so are they).

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:54 | 4614308 Carl Popper
Carl Popper's picture

Walmart should ask for summary judgment and court costs.

The case is guaranteed to be dismissed and will never go to trial, but Walmart is too sensitive about being a "corporate bully" to ask for court costs and punitive damages for a frivolous suit.

Trinity is the bully filing the frivolous suit. Doctors arent sued as much as we used to be, because we will destroy you and your attorney financially if we can. Trying to be nice got us nowhere.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 14:45 | 4614514 Atticus Finch
Atticus Finch's picture

You forgot that Walmart is a shitbird.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 13:59 | 4614328 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

"We'll take your guns and your music."

"OK, OK, just your guns."

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 14:44 | 4614506 Atticus Finch
Atticus Finch's picture

Too bad the churches are totally silent about invading countries that are absolutely no threat to the US and murdering millions while driving millions more into refugee camps.

Oh, wait that's right, it's wrong to kill a child in the womb, but after they are born the US can kill as many of them as it wants.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 14:54 | 4614555 10mm
10mm's picture

Wall St has a church? Church of Satan.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 16:27 | 4614928 Spumoni
Spumoni's picture

Why else would they empty the 7th Ave Expess train under it? REMIND those people, Preacha! They ah the TURDS in the InTestine of the Beast!

(Shit! I missed my calling...)

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 15:54 | 4614790 pupdog1
pupdog1's picture

Well isn't that special.

How about no more tax exempt status for these fucking churches.

Especially the corporate mega-churches and their cartoon padres.

Tue, 04/01/2014 - 17:00 | 4615076 Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

At this rate we'll scrape through the bottom of the barrel in no time.

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