The Truth Behind IBM's Revenues

Tyler Durden's picture

When times are tough - for example when this quarter's revenue is the lowest for IBM since the first quarter of... 2009, it seems Big Blue has decided no job is too small and no job unworthy of utilizing the brain... presenting - with little comment - the key to IBM's Q2 revenues...


When this happens...


This happens...

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Soul Glow's picture

It's all going to be ok.  We don't need growth.  Yellen will find out about this when she comes out of her coffin tonight and print moar moniez!

wee-weed up's picture

IBM is probably gonna get dumped from the DOW too.

Soul Glow's picture

And replaced with what?  Twitter?

sixsigma cygnusatratus's picture

Comparing revenue vs net income to help in determining the value of a component of an index is such an archaic method of valuing an overall index.  The Fed should just pick a number on a daily basis and let us know what that number...oh wait.

Herd Redirection Committee's picture

Wait, you are telling me they DROP the loser stocks from the INDEX???

But my college finance prof said to buy the index and hold!

NoDebt's picture

This has nothing to do with IBM.  This is to pump up the pathetic mail volumes to keep millions of postal welfare recipients "employed" in their government make-work job.

It would be like handing out shovels to construction companies and have them dig holes and fill them back in to test the durability of the shovels.

Totentänzerlied's picture

I have but one upvote to give.

TruthInSunshine's picture

I've been harping on the re-jiggering of the major indexes as a fraudulent Wall Street scam (one of MANY) for years, now.

Whether the Dow, NASDAQ, S&P, etc., they intentionally, consistently & with deceptive intent take out dogs & put in (for the present time) steeds, in an attempt and in order to paint the tape on those indexes in as bright a shade of green as possible...or as bright & vivid a color of lipstick on a pig.

It's hilarious to watch days where declining stocks outnumber rising stocks by a ratio of 2 or even 3 to 1, yet the major, MSM touted indexes are reported on the nightly "news" as unchanged or even reported as up.

Wall Street is the biggest racketeering scheme, aside from fractional reserve banking (which enables the Wall Street racketeering scheme in the 1st place) to ever have been invented/devised.

...invented and run by Grand Master Shysters-Shylocks ...who have a literal license to steal.

sgt_doom's picture

And replaced with what? Twitter?

Oh wow, Soul Glow, I believe you are finally catching on to how the Fantasy Finance NonEconomy workes!

Good show, dood!

AGuy's picture

"IBM is probably gonna get dumped from the DOW too."

No, the FED! The Federal Reserve is going to file an IPO! Dow to the Moon, Jupiter, Vega, andromeda (/Sarc for the mentally challenged)


Groundhog Day's picture

I wish the Tylers or anyone for that matter could compile a list of all the companies that were dropped from the dow since 2000, and where the index would be if all these additions and deletions didn't take place

TheAnswerIs42's picture

Why stop with 2000? Why not go back to 1896?

It's an Index. Always up. Pretty much, kinda more or less...


DIgnified's picture


This never made sense to me.  "Forward."  OK, which direction?  "Forward" is an abstract concept based on which direction youre facing at that specific moment; "forward" usually refering to the direction youre body is facing.  Moreover, what if "forward" is over a figurative cliff, as it is in this case? 

Redhotfill's picture

not FORWARD, but rather   Excelsior!

VD's picture

when QE levitates fantasy on top of fantasy...this does indeed happen.

Tenshin Headache's picture

Thank you NSA, for your service to industry.

McMolotov's picture

I always wanted to be a test mail dropper when I grew up!

booboo's picture

My mother earns 1200 each month sitting in her lazy boy.

Agent P's picture

Fine print just below the tear line:

"Average postage per test bundle is $16.  Test mail droppers must supply their own postage."

myne's picture

IBMs reputation is slowly but surely becoming a joke except in the pure research area. Look up any software they've been contracted to deliver and you'll find many cases where they've been sued for failing utterly to provide what was asked.

zaphod's picture

That's because they squeezed everything and everyone they could, and then outsourced anything they couldn't squeeze harder. Everyone I know who was a halfway decent engineer left a long time ago (myself included).

The end result is a cash cow for wall street, which in the tech world means a dead company within a decade. Regarding IBM's respect in research, even this has been lost as they ditched all of their traditional server business development and switched to "cloud" software and systems. But if you play in that space no one even looks at what IMB is doing.

The bean counters have completely dismantled an American icon for a few quarters of results and exported everything of value. China would round them up as traitors, but the US elevates them to gov insider status while the real engineers wasted their best years.

Rainman's picture

Fabian Socialism  # winning !

sgt_doom's picture

If only this country veered towards Socialism, and not the Predatory Corporate Fascist State it has become.

CCanuck's picture

Thanks diddly, made me laugh. +1

JuliaS's picture

IBM's building a database for the NSA. Gently deposit saliva onto the back of specially provided micro-pad and attach the DNA sample to a self-addressed envelope with a nice firm fingerprint.

MountainsRoam's picture

Damn were do I apply ? haha the food stamps aint filling my belly enough !

socalbeach's picture


"How and when can I reach IBM?
If you would like to contact our Dropper Recruiting Team, call us toll-free at 1-800-688-0330 between 9:00AM and 5:00PM Monday through Friday (EST). You can also reach our recruiters via email at"


I think I've finally found something I'm qualified for.

Confused's picture

Wait. Who cares about IBM. Why the fuck is the post office, who is bleeding cash, paying anyone external to do anything like this? Isn't there some admin fuckers that have some time to kill? Can't they do this? Surely there is an internal system to observe performance. 

Bernoulli's picture

It's because the person deciding about the financing of this supercrucial post office project became friends with this "really nice guy" from IBM on the golf course.

infinity8's picture

And the USPS can afford to hire IBM for this how?

Bangin7GramRocks's picture

Both owned by the same parent company.

socalbeach's picture

"Who pays for the IBM Mail Study?
The USPS is required by law to measure delivery performance as part of the Postal Accountability and Enhancement Act. The Mail Study is funded by the USPS, and paid for through postage revenue, not tax dollars."

See link above for more laughs.

giggler321's picture

+1 I just sent my email, thanks for the heads up on this one ZH.  They never said if your Greek don't apply.

trader1's picture

anyone guess IBM's margin per $15 bundle of letters?

or is the USPS funding the bundle pay-outs in addition to the fees for the service improvement consulting gig...

JuliaS's picture

Conduct a head count of all the Jews, Gypsies and Poles in your neighborhood and mail quarterly reports to IBM-Allee 1 D-71139 Ehningen, Germany.

Colonel Klink's picture

At the end of each quarter they'll tabulate the body count and automatically re-order the Zyklon-B.

Hook Line and Sphincter's picture

"My BM"

Thought I should 'rectify' the name for everybody.


trailsend's picture

Don't you have better things to do?

Catullus's picture

Let's Build a Smarter Balance Sheet.

junction's picture

This test sounds too complicated for me.  I'll pass on this.  Maybe LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling can apply. 

Rising Sun's picture


I 'll  B e-in-a M eeting,

I B uy M acs,

I 'm-having-a B owel M ovement

SolarSystem1932's picture

And never forget:


I-1 = H

B-1 = A

M-1 = L

Shift IBM a letter and you get HAL, that bad "Daisy...Daisy" computer from Space Oddesy 2001.

Didn't know that shit, did ya...



discopimp's picture

Return to sender!