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The Truth Behind IBM's Revenues

Tyler Durden's picture




 

When times are tough - for example when this quarter's revenue is the lowest for IBM since the first quarter of... 2009, it seems Big Blue has decided no job is too small and no job unworthy of utilizing the brain... presenting - with little comment - the key to IBM's Q2 revenues...

 

When this happens...

 

This happens...

 

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Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:32 | 4709540 Kaiser Sousa
Kaiser Sousa's picture

Forward.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:38 | 4709557 Soul Glow
Soul Glow's picture

It's all going to be ok.  We don't need growth.  Yellen will find out about this when she comes out of her coffin tonight and print moar moniez!

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:41 | 4709565 wee-weed up
wee-weed up's picture

IBM is probably gonna get dumped from the DOW too.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:41 | 4709567 Soul Glow
Soul Glow's picture

And replaced with what?  Twitter?

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:55 | 4709607 sixsigma cygnus...
sixsigma cygnusatratus's picture

Comparing revenue vs net income to help in determining the value of a component of an index is such an archaic method of valuing an overall index.  The Fed should just pick a number on a daily basis and let us know what that number...oh wait.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 18:41 | 4709738 Herd Redirectio...
Herd Redirection Committee's picture

Wait, you are telling me they DROP the loser stocks from the INDEX???

But my college finance prof said to buy the index and hold!

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 18:57 | 4709785 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

This has nothing to do with IBM.  This is to pump up the pathetic mail volumes to keep millions of postal welfare recipients "employed" in their government make-work job.

It would be like handing out shovels to construction companies and have them dig holes and fill them back in to test the durability of the shovels.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 20:41 | 4710164 Totentänzerlied
Totentänzerlied's picture

I have but one upvote to give.

Wed, 04/30/2014 - 00:04 | 4710474 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

I've been harping on the re-jiggering of the major indexes as a fraudulent Wall Street scam (one of MANY) for years, now.

Whether the Dow, NASDAQ, S&P, etc., they intentionally, consistently & with deceptive intent take out dogs & put in (for the present time) steeds, in an attempt and in order to paint the tape on those indexes in as bright a shade of green as possible...or as bright & vivid a color of lipstick on a pig.

It's hilarious to watch days where declining stocks outnumber rising stocks by a ratio of 2 or even 3 to 1, yet the major, MSM touted indexes are reported on the nightly "news" as unchanged or even reported as up.

Wall Street is the biggest racketeering scheme, aside from fractional reserve banking (which enables the Wall Street racketeering scheme in the 1st place) to ever have been invented/devised.

...invented and run by Grand Master Shysters-Shylocks ...who have a literal license to steal.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 18:29 | 4709700 sgt_doom
sgt_doom's picture

And replaced with what? Twitter?

Oh wow, Soul Glow, I believe you are finally catching on to how the Fantasy Finance NonEconomy workes!

Good show, dood!

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 18:29 | 4709703 AGuy
AGuy's picture

"IBM is probably gonna get dumped from the DOW too."

No, the FED! The Federal Reserve is going to file an IPO! Dow to the Moon, Jupiter, Vega, andromeda (/Sarc for the mentally challenged)

 

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 19:32 | 4709916 Groundhog Day
Groundhog Day's picture

I wish the Tylers or anyone for that matter could compile a list of all the companies that were dropped from the dow since 2000, and where the index would be if all these additions and deletions didn't take place

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 21:32 | 4710375 TheAnswerIs42
TheAnswerIs42's picture

Why stop with 2000? Why not go back to 1896?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:DJIA_historical_graph_to_jan09_%28log%...

It's an Index. Always up. Pretty much, kinda more or less...

 

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 18:49 | 4709769 DIgnified
DIgnified's picture

"Forward."

This never made sense to me.  "Forward."  OK, which direction?  "Forward" is an abstract concept based on which direction youre facing at that specific moment; "forward" usually refering to the direction youre body is facing.  Moreover, what if "forward" is over a figurative cliff, as it is in this case? 

Wed, 04/30/2014 - 21:08 | 4714483 Redhotfill
Redhotfill's picture

not FORWARD, but rather   Excelsior!

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:33 | 4709541 VD
VD's picture

when QE levitates fantasy on top of fantasy...this does indeed happen.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:37 | 4709552 Tenshin Headache
Tenshin Headache's picture

Thank you NSA, for your service to industry.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:37 | 4709554 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

I always wanted to be a test mail dropper when I grew up!

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:58 | 4709618 booboo
booboo's picture

My mother earns 1200 each month sitting in her lazy boy.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:39 | 4709559 Agent P
Agent P's picture

Fine print just below the tear line:

"Average postage per test bundle is $16.  Test mail droppers must supply their own postage."

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:39 | 4709562 myne
myne's picture

IBMs reputation is slowly but surely becoming a joke except in the pure research area. Look up any software they've been contracted to deliver and you'll find many cases where they've been sued for failing utterly to provide what was asked.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 18:26 | 4709685 zaphod
zaphod's picture

That's because they squeezed everything and everyone they could, and then outsourced anything they couldn't squeeze harder. Everyone I know who was a halfway decent engineer left a long time ago (myself included).

The end result is a cash cow for wall street, which in the tech world means a dead company within a decade. Regarding IBM's respect in research, even this has been lost as they ditched all of their traditional server business development and switched to "cloud" software and systems. But if you play in that space no one even looks at what IMB is doing.

The bean counters have completely dismantled an American icon for a few quarters of results and exported everything of value. China would round them up as traitors, but the US elevates them to gov insider status while the real engineers wasted their best years.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:40 | 4709564 SharkBit
SharkBit's picture

wtf?

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:41 | 4709566 Rainman
Rainman's picture

Fabian Socialism  # winning !

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 18:30 | 4709705 sgt_doom
sgt_doom's picture

If only this country veered towards Socialism, and not the Predatory Corporate Fascist State it has become.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:42 | 4709569 cowdiddly
cowdiddly's picture

Stamp lickers

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:50 | 4709592 CCanuck
CCanuck's picture

Thanks diddly, made me laugh. +1

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 18:00 | 4709626 booboo
booboo's picture

Degree required

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 22:56 | 4709640 JuliaS
JuliaS's picture

IBM's building a database for the NSA. Gently deposit saliva onto the back of specially provided micro-pad and attach the DNA sample to a self-addressed envelope with a nice firm fingerprint.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:44 | 4709577 MountainsRoam
MountainsRoam's picture

Damn were do I apply ? haha the food stamps aint filling my belly enough !

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 18:04 | 4709606 socalbeach
socalbeach's picture

http://www.ttmsdropper.com/home.cfm

FAQ: http://www.ttmsdropper.com/faq.cfm

"How and when can I reach IBM?
If you would like to contact our Dropper Recruiting Team, call us toll-free at 1-800-688-0330 between 9:00AM and 5:00PM Monday through Friday (EST). You can also reach our recruiters via email at ttms_recruiting@us.ibm.com..."

-----

I think I've finally found something I'm qualified for.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:45 | 4709581 Confused
Confused's picture

Wait. Who cares about IBM. Why the fuck is the post office, who is bleeding cash, paying anyone external to do anything like this? Isn't there some admin fuckers that have some time to kill? Can't they do this? Surely there is an internal system to observe performance. 

Wed, 04/30/2014 - 08:38 | 4711371 Bernoulli
Bernoulli's picture

It's because the person deciding about the financing of this supercrucial post office project became friends with this "really nice guy" from IBM on the golf course.

Wed, 04/30/2014 - 09:25 | 4711581 Bernoulli
Bernoulli's picture

Golfing rules

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:54 | 4709604 infinity8
infinity8's picture

And the USPS can afford to hire IBM for this how?

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 18:02 | 4709634 Bangin7GramRocks
Bangin7GramRocks's picture

Both owned by the same parent company.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 18:24 | 4709688 socalbeach
socalbeach's picture

"Who pays for the IBM Mail Study?
The USPS is required by law to measure delivery performance as part of the Postal Accountability and Enhancement Act. The Mail Study is funded by the USPS, and paid for through postage revenue, not tax dollars."

See link above for more laughs.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 17:59 | 4709623 giggler321
giggler321's picture

+1 I just sent my email, thanks for the heads up on this one ZH.  They never said if your Greek don't apply.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 18:00 | 4709627 trader1
trader1's picture

anyone guess IBM's margin per $15 bundle of letters?

or is the USPS funding the bundle pay-outs in addition to the fees for the service improvement consulting gig...

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 18:01 | 4709631 JuliaS
JuliaS's picture

Conduct a head count of all the Jews, Gypsies and Poles in your neighborhood and mail quarterly reports to IBM-Allee 1 D-71139 Ehningen, Germany.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 18:13 | 4709661 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

At the end of each quarter they'll tabulate the body count and automatically re-order the Zyklon-B.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 18:22 | 4709682 Hook Line and S...
Hook Line and Sphincter's picture

"My BM"

Thought I should 'rectify' the name for everybody.

 

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 19:00 | 4709794 trailsend
trailsend's picture

Don't you have better things to do?

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 19:05 | 4709814 Catullus
Catullus's picture

Let's Build a Smarter Balance Sheet.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 19:28 | 4709902 junction
junction's picture

This test sounds too complicated for me.  I'll pass on this.  Maybe LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling can apply. 

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 19:46 | 4709971 Rising Sun
Rising Sun's picture

IBM -

I 'll  B e-in-a M eeting,

I B uy M acs,

I 'm-having-a B owel M ovement

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 19:55 | 4710008 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

Idiots Become Managers

Wed, 04/30/2014 - 04:01 | 4711077 Rising Sun
Rising Sun's picture

LMFAO!!!!!

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 21:48 | 4710424 SolarSystem1932
SolarSystem1932's picture

And never forget:

IBM

I-1 = H

B-1 = A

M-1 = L

Shift IBM a letter and you get HAL, that bad "Daisy...Daisy" computer from Space Oddesy 2001.

Didn't know that shit, did ya...

Dave

 

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 20:32 | 4710135 discopimp
discopimp's picture

Return to sender!

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 21:35 | 4710386 SolarSystem1932
SolarSystem1932's picture

* First bullet says..."4 bundle drops per quarter"

Seems pretty cheap, I'll pass.

Tue, 04/29/2014 - 21:41 | 4710402 SolarSystem1932
SolarSystem1932's picture

DO NOT READ THAT SHIT!

That has got to be the most fucked up mixture of past/present/future tense shit I have ever seen inked on one fucked up letter. 

Its pure fuck-up-your-mind propaganda.  I live close to a cemetary, and I hear the dead English teachers turning over in disgust.   Can't.........stand........it.....must close window...turn off computer....

RUFKM

(Flash! aRe yoU Fucking Kidding Me!!!!!!!!!!)

I'm crackin'n man... home made slugs are about to penetrate that mud slingin' router talkin' to my silicon idol. 

Gawd help Stawks, and Gawd help my dog, Buddy, he has fleas.

Wed, 04/30/2014 - 01:37 | 4710984 Obamanism
Obamanism's picture

IBM

I

Be

Mad

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