Friday Humor: You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Tyler Durden's picture

Submitted by Simon Black of Sovereign Man blog,

20 years in prison.

That’s the penalty you could face for travelling to a country the President has labelled to be “of concern”.

Sending any form of monetary assistance to people in the country merits further steep penalties.

Recently introduced in Congress, ‘The International Conflicts of Concern Act’ gives the President the power to ban travel to certain countries with the flick of his pen.

And the only way around the ban is by applying to the Treasury Department for a special license.

A travel license to leave the country? These kinds of ‘people controls’ are synonymous with regimes like North Korea and Cuba—the latter of which has of course largely been off limits for US citizens for decades.

So far the first country they’ve chosen is Syria, where Director of National Intelligence, James Clapper, warns that terrorist cells are using the country as a training ground to radicalize foreign nationals.

Their logic? Apparently US citizens might go to Syria and learn to be terrorists. So it’s for your own good, you see.

If you’ve been following the news, the situation in Syria is indeed concerning.

There’ve been several stories from Syria about a new terrorist cell that has been bringing deadly weapons into the country. Their latest shipment included 50 TOW missiles, which are powerful enough to pierce through armored tanks.

This organization has also been ramping up its training programs both in Syria and in neighboring Jordan to more effectively militarize the conflict.

This is definitely a problem—a dangerous terrorist cell bringing in armored piercing weapons and militarized training programs into Syria could pose a major threat to America.

The thing is, this isn’t Al Qaeda I’m talking about. You’ve probably guessed—the terrorist cell in Syria I’m talking about is actually the US government.

Uncle Sam is supplying an increasing amount of taxpayer funded weapons to this hostile region, as well as sending in special operations forces to train groups that they’ve determined to be “moderate” rebels.

Needless to say, the US government has a pretty dismal record when it comes to arms dealing given that they’ve mistakenly placed military grade weaponry in the hands of drug cartels, dictators, and yes, terrorists. Oops.

Resolute not to make the same mistake twice (or for the hundredth time, as it were), the US government has a solution.

This time around, the Syrian fighters are posting videos on YouTube to prove that they’ve received these weapons (courtesy of the American taxpayer) and are using them for their intended purposes.

You just can’t make this stuff up…

While something as innocuous as travelling abroad is enough to get the average American 20 years in prison, the government is using your tax dollars to aid terrorism directly… and using YouTube as their auditor.

Sounds about right for a terrorist organization whose leader has a Nobel Peace Prize.

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TeamDepends's picture

This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me.  Wait....

AlaricBalth's picture

There goes my vacation in Damascus, the pearl of the East.

"To Damascus, years are only moments, decades are only flitting trifles of time. She measures time not by days and months and years, but by the empires she has seen rise and prosper and crumble to ruin. She is a type of immortality."
Mark Twain

Oh well, there's always Decatur, Illinois.

TeamDepends's picture

Illinoisians (?) are desperate to flee their sinking state, so they may be willing to service you in many multiple of ways.

espirit's picture

Sorry, but this taxpayer never approved his share to pay the bill.  DC U.S. Govt. is on the hook to the Fed for this one.

I Ain't Paying. 

old naughty's picture

Perhaps the pen is more powerful than the drone?

kaiserhoff's picture

Try to stay up wind of Staley & Co.

Senseless Urinal Cake's picture

. . . and the Sangamon will drown you in a heartbeat.

Jonas Parker's picture

Does this mean that I'm going to have to cancel my reservations at "Sandals" in Pyongyang?

PiratePiggy's picture

"There goes my vacation in Damascus..."


Are you Syrious?  ;)


LetThemEatRand's picture

Thank you sir, may I have another.

Ignatius's picture

Another:  The next phase is that the other future, or Orwellian past, countries on the list will be classified, so overseas travel -- if you dare -- will be 6 to 5, and pick 'em.  Less risky will be traveling to the kitchen for a frozen food item and a beer with a clear and authorized return trip back in front of your TV.

LetThemEatRand's picture

"Less risky will be traveling to the kitchen for a frozen food item and a beer with a clear and authorized return trip back in front of your TV."

Where you can watch the "travel channel" document the horrible conditions in said classified countries.  Crisis actors need a job, too, after all.

Mesquite's picture

Does this mean John McCain stays home now..??

Xibalba's picture

Easy solution.  Get the fuck out while you can.

Ignatius's picture

Other solution:  Expose 9/11 -- the defining and controlling Myth of our time -- for the complete, constructed fraud that it is.

Our controllers are powerful because of the ignorant obedience of the people/institutions further down the pyramid (you know, the people who actually suffered and died on 9/11... not one top elite among them).

over45's picture

wake me up when this nightmare is over.

Buckaroo Banzai's picture

Friday humor? What's so fucking funny about this?

Skateboarder's picture

It's funny in the "ha ha, look how fucked we are" sense.

Crawdaddy's picture

He didn't specify f it was country club prison or the pound-you-in-the-axe style prison?

t0mmyBerg's picture

Right again Buckaroo.  But then I view all law under the authority of the US Federal Government as without force or effect as I regard the American polity as having surrendered legitimacy in so many ways these last few years.  Not to say they cannot hurt you but the hurt has no legitimacy, even though you are still fucked.  So no not very funny but fatalistically it is, in a twisted forlorn sort of way.  Sigh.

kliguy38's picture

I love the dear leader

XitSam's picture

The Thought Police noticed you did not say that loud enough. Welcome to the Ministry of Love

localsavage's picture

You forgot....and the main stream media does their job and keeps this quiet.... comrade

A Nanny Moose's picture

"I think this fence business is designed and may well be used against us and keep us in." - Ron Paul

LetThemEatRand's picture

I'd up you, but there's that damn italics glitch in the ZH matrix.  

Skateboarder's picture

- Click on the grey background where the username / day / date / time / post# are.
- Press the 'Tab' key twice.
- Press the 'Enter' key.


LetThemEatRand's picture

Thanks, Tank.  Now to my Meat Loaf dinner.

-Cypher (mixing movie references).

LetThemEatRand's picture

Someone hit the "I'm a douche" key 10 times, and then rubbed their nipples.  You got downvoted, and the carpet needs cleaning.  Again.

American Dreams's picture

Okay... gotta ask, how the hell did you figure that one out?


A Nanny Moose's picture

Discovery of the obscure is perhaps, THE hallmark of ZH "regulars"

Skateboarder's picture

It's pretty easy - only requires very basic understanding HTML/CSS + Web browser implementation. HTML/CSS provide a tree structure (every object, like this comment box where my comment rests, has a parent. The 'root' parent is <html>) to lay out the items and specify their locations and style attributes. HTML items are layered on a z-axis as specified by CSS attributes. Some are selectable by keyboard. That's why you are able to Tab through the keyboard-selectable fields . The grey box actually corresponds to the user name. We can try another experiment that will land you somewhere useful.

- Right click on the user name (menu pops up).
- Right click somewhere on the page that's whitespace. The menu should go away, but the user name should be selected (there's a little dotted box around it).
- Press the 'Tab' key four times.
- Hit 'Enter.'

You should be on the reply-to page for that comment.

Lesson: selecting through HTML fields with the Tab key works the same way in a Web browser as it does in many other programs.

Manipuflation's picture

Interesting.  Thanks for the info.  Everything you said worked.

XitSam's picture

It is not italics, it is blockquote that is the problem.

gimli's picture

Selfies + Youtube = Obama transparency

A proven formula to get you the Nobel Peace prize

espirit's picture

Nobel Piece, Ha Ha.

teslaberry's picture

jordan is being funded through the u.n. to create ' refugee 'camps ' , which are cities. massive . 130k people . that's half the size of burlington vermont. within less than a year.


these camps are obviously going to be used to recruit people to fight against syria whether they want this or not. jordan is doing its part to take u.s. money through the 'u.n.' to 'solve' the refugee problem.


there is a very intersting logic to immigration and refugee strategy it goes thusly. IF you can make your enemies territory chaotic enough to incentivize many of  the smartest and most productive and ambitious people to leave , then you can at once both deprive him of an asset, and at the same time provide a benefit to someone else who receives these refugees. 


there are definitely subtleties to this as refugees that get too settled in a neighborhing country can be problematic for the ruler if they don't cooperate or cause trouble. much of the time, in most non-western countries, they can easily be killed if they cause problems, or at leaset chased out of the country to go somewhere else.  and where-ever they are , their underlying need to succeed , their desperation, makes them very valuable as a pool of more than hard working individuals, and or very dangerous as a cohesive group. but dangerous to whom? this depends.....

for example.  

many of the lebanese 'hizbolleh' were chased out of jordan and syria 30 + years ago as they were getting troublesome for the jordanian and syrian government. now , with labenese comfort and stability, hizbollah has been made dangerous to israel for the beenfit of iran over many years. and with syrias help, the lebanese government was toppled by hizbollah. the former government leadership having been loyal to the saudis has been assasinated, a number of people dead including rafik, AND ----his rich son now not even living in the country for fear of getting killled. 


consider that sometimes, dictators make the mistake of scapegoating wealthy and productive minorities only to chase them out of their land into the open embrace of an enemy territory that is all to willing to put their skills and whatever wealthy to good work against the dictator. 




when you think about the history of warfare---------you realize these 'displaced people' would ordinarily be taken as slaves by whichever country was conquering syria. if there was no time to enslave and transport them, they would be sold off to slave markets. if there was no time to sell them as slaves, they would be raped and murdered and fed to dogs. 

if there was no food , they would be boiled and eaten alive by the 'invaders'. 


if you think i'm joking, read the history of muslim conquest and slave trade in india and subaharan africa. i'm not trying to be 'anti-muslim' as the muslims of yesteryear are not the muslims of today. i'm just saying read history. even in the non-judeo-christian-muslim world

RARELy are fleeing people 'provided for' to the tune of cities. the jordanians are getting 63 million dollars (500 a head) to build an overnight 130k mini city. i'm not saying that's a lot of money, i'm saying they are getting paid because this is part of the strategy for wearing away the syrian dictatorship and devastating the country . keep refugees near by, and well fed enough to keep their hopes for 'returning home' alive. alive enough so that some of the teenagers and 10 year old boys will be motivated to fight or support the fighters. so that women can be used as whores for fighters to have sex with when they are 'on break' from fighting in syria. they need only cross the border. 


you gotta give the strategic war planners some credit for thinking this through. 63 million buys you an awful lot of human flesh waiting in the wings. 


what devastation we wrought.......sad that human beings treat each other as insects....



American Dreams's picture

Last I checked Burling had a pop. of less than 50k and half of those are homeless.

American Dreams


ebworthen's picture

I thought Islamic Jihadist's were the enemy and that the Russians were our allies? 

But then we supportied Islamic Jihadist's to attempt to topple Assad (fail).

And now the Russian Federation is our enemy?

And the neo-Nazi's in Ukraine are now the good guys? 

"Fuck the EU" but let's send Billion$ to Kiev?

And an American going to Syria to help the Jihadist's we are supporting - is now a terrorist?

And to speak out against the U.S. Military (N.S.A.) raping the 4th amendment makes you a terrorist?

I'm so confused.

logicalman's picture

No need to be confused.

All you have to know is that the elite know better than you.

See, simple.


q99x2's picture

Somebody call the police. There be feces atop the pyramid

fishmonger's picture

"Don't drone me, bro!"

BaghdadBob's picture

Unfortunately the only way this mad situation will ever be resolved is if either the majority of US citizens finally stand up and put a stop to it (unlikely as most are too brainwashed) or if some foreign power (Russia or China) says enough is enough and they release the nukes. America has a decision to make. The entire world is witnessing it's destructive infringements into foreign lands and many of us are not buying the propaganda. We're all just about fed up of you Americans.

LetThemEatRand's picture

Don't get too fed up with us.  We're full of corn syrup and you'll get diabetes.  

XitSam's picture

Bob, Bob, Bob. The proles will never revolt. The majority have picked the security of incessant war instead of Freedom. They choose the safety of NDAA detentions and a kill list over the risk of running their own lives.  They select the comfort that the police will kill their dog instead of them.

buzzsaw99's picture

don't fund terrorism, that's the gubbermint's job