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Nerd Prom Summary: Highlights From This Year's Obama Roast

Tyler Durden's picture




 

In theory, the media is supposed to keep any given administration, even that of hope and change, "honest", and to report its flaws, failings, criminality and hypocrisy. In practice, this never happens, since the bulk of US, and global, media outlets are owned by a handful of corporations which in turn do everything in their power to preserve the lucrative arrangement in which the administration pretends to administer, and the media pretends to do its job. 

With this kind of informational near-monopoly, corporations - and the media - are far more interested in perpetuating the crony-capitalist status quo, which in conjunction with Wall Street's bribery funding of the three branches of US government, has come to symbolize just how broken US governance has become.

For 364 days of the year, the theater that the press and the administration are on the opposite sides of the table, continues without a glitch. However, one day a year, during the annual White House Correspondents' Association dinner, the facade falls and Obama, together with his fawning press corps, have a night of laughs in an Oscar-inspired night of self-congratularoty excess. Which, just like every other night in Washington, is at the taxpayers' expense.

Among the over 2000 "guests" enjoying the jokes were Jessica Simpson, Patrick Stewart, Matthew Morrison, Anna Chlumsky, Lindsey Vonn, Katharine McPhee, Jeremy Irvine, Lupita Nyong'o, Julianna Margulies, Sofia Vergara, Brad Paisley, Kevin Hart, Cynthia Nixon, Tim Tebow, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, J.C. Chasez, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Olivia Munn, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Fred Armisen, Richard Sherman and Harvey Weinstein.

The good news: the humor - written by others, of course - was good. Here are the highlights from last night's festivities.

First, Obama's punchlines reported by Reuters:

"In 2008 my slogan was, 'Yes we can.' In 2013, it was control-alt-delete," Obama joked to an audience also studded with film and television stars.

 

"At one point, things got so bad the 47 percent called Mitt Romney to apologize," he said, referring to 2012 presidential campaign scandal in which the Republican candidate was secretly taped saying that 47 percent of Americans have become reliant on government handouts.

 

The president highlighted some of the low points of his administration's last year, dwelling on the disastrous rollout of the website for his landmark health insurance reform legislation.

 

"Of course we rolled out HealthCare.gov. That could have gone better," he deadpanned.

 

Later he turned on Republican opponents in Congress who are clamoring to repeal the legislation despite higher than expected enrollment figures in the government health care exchanges: "How well does Obamacare have to work before you stop trying to repeal it?"

 

At the end of his speech, Obama turned the audience's attention to a video monitor, which failed to work. Kathleen Sebelius, the health secretary who announced her resignation this month after overseeing the botched rollout of Obamacare, stepped to the podium to try to fix the technical glitch.

 

Obama also took a swipe at Republicans for blocking his bid to raise the minimum wage. "If you want to get paid for not working you should run for Congress just like everyone else," he said.

 

In a self-deprecating crack at his own low popularity ratings, the president referred to his fellow Democrats not wanting to campaign with him for November congressional elections in a wistful joke involving one of his daughters: "I did notice the other day that Sasha needed a speaker for career day and she invited Bill Clinton."

 

"Let's face the facts, you'll miss me when I'm gone," Obama directed to the Fox News table. "It will be harder for you to convince Americans that Hillary was born in Kenya."

Some more from  USA Today:

When McHale took over duties, he aimed straight at Obamacare's launch.

 

"It was so bad!" he said from the stage. "I don't even have an analogy, because the website is now an analogy that people use to describe other bad things. 'Boy that latest Johnny Depp movie really healthcare.gov'd at the box office.' "

 

A few of McHale's other best lines:

  • On Chris Christie: "I promise that tonight will be amusing and over quickly. Just like Chris Christie's presidential bid."
  • On Rob Ford: "Between Rob Ford, Justin Bieber and Ted Cruz, you just want to tell Canada, 'Hey, hey, relax. We already have a Florida.' "
  • On Hillary running for office: Hillary Clinton has a lot going for her as a candidate. She has experience, she's a natural leader. And as our first female president, we could pay her 30% less! That's a saving this country could use. Who's with me??"
  • On Chelsea Clinton's pregnancy: "In nine months we will officially have a sequel to Bad Grandpa."

Finally, the video clips:

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Sun, 05/04/2014 - 10:02 | 4725627 Chuck Knoblauch
Chuck Knoblauch's picture

The Communists won!

How did they do it?

They bought the military.

They bought congress.

They bought the press.

I'm sure their children will be happy in this brave new world?

As long as the money lasts, they will.

So many useful idiots, so little time.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 10:08 | 4725640 TahoeBilly2012
TahoeBilly2012's picture

It isn't about communism, racism or any other "ism". It's about total world control, the "isms" are just developed along way as means to the end. Having the fascist leaders parody themselves as if to show humility is the ultimate control tool. Amazing how many people buy this crap while villagers burn to death in Odessa from their orders.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 10:18 | 4725663 smlbizman
smlbizman's picture

how about this zinger.....somebady shoot that n%^*$5r in the head

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 10:30 | 4725684 InjectTheVenom
InjectTheVenom's picture

What a bunch of fuckin' tools ....

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 11:25 | 4725791 chumbawamba
chumbawamba's picture

Don't get mad, this is the one time of the year where they let the cat out of the bag.  They are doing you a favor.  They are showing you that they are all just actors.

I am Chumbawamba.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 11:38 | 4725812 Anusocracy
Anusocracy's picture

Larger aggregations are the name of the game. It is easier to control a handful of entities who each control a handful and on down, than to directly control thousands, millions, or billions.

One of Nature's great gifts to mankind: evolution of a formalized chain of command control. Now we can operate as intelligent army ants. Or maybe eventually, a Borg Collective.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 11:45 | 4725824 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Anyway, the great news is, all those consolidations created more debt instruments and marketable securities. That's the very stuff of the "economy".

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 15:30 | 4726364 macholatte
macholatte's picture

 

They are showing you that they are all just actors.

 

....... and they are showing you that they really do know what is going on and are endorsing it. They are making a joke out of the sheeple who just eat up all the propaganda they spread. They are not laughing at each other, they are laughing at you. The joke is on YOU.

 

 

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 23:54 | 4727405 MontgomeryScott
MontgomeryScott's picture

Hell, the TITLE is a joke!

'NERD' prom?

Nerds are intellectually ahead of their peers, at least.

"'DWEEB' prom" is FAR more appropriate.

DWEEBS are not as smart as, well, a rock. DWEEBS think they're better than averyone else (because they have grown up around people who are pre-conditioning them to think that they are 'special', A.K.A. 'Special Ed.').

DWEEBS ALWAYS 'go with the flow'. If you meet a DWEEB, you can tell them that Mineet or Comet is Cocaine, and they will believe you, and snort the shit up through a straw, telling you that they are getting 'buzzed' when you ask them how they feel.

A DWEEB is an ACTOR in a play that THEY think is THEIR IDEA (even though they are too stupid to understand that they are merely actors in the plays that are being done to them).

 

A NERD, at least, realizes that ink pens leak, and has taken it upon him(her)self to purchace a POCKET PROTECTOR to keep their mommies from getting pissed off by the stains that won't wash out. A NERD has the ability to make basic utilitarian repairs, such as DUCT TAPE to hold the broken eyeglass frame together. A NERD actually enjoys playing CHESS. A NERD invented the Windows computer, and the 'HTTP' protocol.

A DWEEB, on the other hand, fake-fawns over twats like OBAMA, because they think it will get them 'accepted' by the 'Soc's' (socialites, big-wigs, jocks, Rah-Rah's, Richies, and; yes, the NERDS as well). a DWEEB is always good for a blow-job, if you want one. All you have to do is tell one that it will get them 'accepted'.

 

I have to LAUGH OUT LOUD when I see 'intellectuals' in so-called 'economic newsletters' of 2014 trying to use outdated and archaic expressions from the San Fernando Valley of the late 1970's. You mind as well be trying to explain to a DWEEB how derivatives came to be, or why 'they' call people who are too stupid to know better and too smart to undertand that they're STUPID 'DWEEBS'. Pretty little bitches, all in a row...

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 11:41 | 4725822 john39
john39's picture

true... but this sort of propaganda is done to show that sheeple that everything is fine, nothing to worry about...  see how funny drone murders, wars, starvation, banker slavery is... ha ha... all in a good nights fun.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 11:50 | 4725834 chumbawamba
chumbawamba's picture

No, I really think they are just mocking the people of the world.  They are saying, "Look, you idiots!  It's all just a big goof!  And the joke's on you!!"

It's really that simple.  These people are psychopaths.  This is how psychopaths act.

When the fuck will people finally get it?

I am Chumbawamba.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 12:03 | 4725859 chumbawamba
chumbawamba's picture

It's funny, serendipity.  As I am writing these comments I'm listening to a short presentation on the theory of hypnosis.  The basic premise is that we all have "fight or flight" mechanisms as part of our basic functioning, but over time we develop filters to allow us to evaluate and react to a situation based on the mental stimuli we receive.

Now, the theory goes, if you overwhelm the senses of someone to where they have too much information to process at once, they will lose their filters and revert back to the basic flight/fight gut instinct, and they become very susceptible to suggestion.  This is one way hypnosis works, and this is also how a government controls its citizens.

government ==> govern-ment

 

govern = control

 

ment = mind

I remember back to 9/11.  I remember within the first half hour thinking, "All those planes are headed west, and I'm near some likely targets.  I got to get out of here."  I also remember thinking, "Man, I'm glad Bush & Cheney are in charge rather than Gore & Lieberman."  Geez, what a bitch I was.

It's amazing how simple it is to get people to revert back to their most base instincts.  Just overwhelm their senses, make them feel like they are under attack, and then when they have dropped all their filters, tell them what to do and they will mindlessly follow you like lost sheep.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4eXB6NqG5I

I am Chumbawamba.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 12:09 | 4725897 _SILENCER
_SILENCER's picture

I remember back to 9/11.  I remember within the first half hour thinking, "All those planes are headed west, and I'm near some likely targets.  I got to get out of here."  I also remember thinking, "Man, I'm glad Bush & Cheney are in charge rather than Gore & Lieberman."  Geez, what a bitch I was.

 

 

I was in that same boat

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 12:29 | 4725958 maskone909
maskone909's picture

I was 18 when that shit happened. I thought... Wtf does iraq have to do with bin laden? Wmd's my fuckin ass! Screw this im getting high... Yep that was my prime lol

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 13:02 | 4726052 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Don't worry, a nuke will go off in an American port city within your lifetime, maybe a short moment or few weeks before the end of your lifetime. Probably a low yield dirty nuke. Probably. Could also be high yields and dirty. Also, lots of missiles for sale that can put an EMP enhanced nuke 150km up over all out heads and kill 90% of our population, just minutes after launch from a container ship. Sleep tight. Keep on banging against efforts to prevent nuclear proliferation and meta terrorism and psycho petro dictatorships.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 12:30 | 4725966 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Well, Bush/cheney went to war with the weasel congress and traitor libtard media they had, not the one they might have preferred. The Afghanistan job was over in weeks, then the nation-building hogwash set in. Ditto Iraq. These interventions could have cost a tenth of what they did and improved things in both places, by limiting the scope to killing the fuckheads and their support, setting up bases and deterring foreign powers. Obama scuttled even that, by ensuring no status of forces agreement in Iraq and pre-announcing abandonment of Bagram prior to the "surge". The latter abortion was designed to wreck the US military and not much more. Maybe a little backup of his campaigning rhetoric and Manchurian candidate head fakery.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 12:20 | 4725931 maskone909
maskone909's picture

Control by fear. Fear out of losing a "great deal on this used toyota camery. But u have to act now" an old use car salesmen tactic. Set it up as this: the sheep will gain a tremendous value by acting quickly. But you have to blindly act in that moment or the opportunity will vanish.
Kinda like invading iraq now for the value of freedom and safety vs getting attacked by WMD's. You have to do it now!

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 12:23 | 4725932 Cathartes Aura
Cathartes Aura's picture

me-duh is definitely in the business of controlling minds.

we didnt' have TeeVee in the house when nein-eleventy event'd, so we gathered a group in a house that did "subscribe" - I'm glad I viewed the "unfolding of events" with others who also mocked the memes.

the talking heads with the repetitive showings of the "plane" crashing into the tower, and then the towers collapsing. . . so very obvious how the story was implanted - "dramatic" imagery with "dramatic" voice-overs. . . repeated for DAYS.

any one who hasn't awakened from that imposed dream by now is so far down the narrative-path it's unlikely they'll find their way out.

Red Riding Hood meet Big Bad Wolf.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 15:14 | 4726337 stocktivity
stocktivity's picture

Glad to see my hard earned tax dollars at work!

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 10:36 | 4725698 myshadow
myshadow's picture

go fuck your ignorant cracker ass

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 10:42 | 4725707 Let The Wurlitz...
Let The Wurlitzer Play's picture

Its not his fault he probobly went to public school.

 

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 11:21 | 4725784 svayambhu108
svayambhu108's picture

Bits (cybershit) and junk food (the modern version of "Bread and circuses")

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 10:39 | 4725706 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

The only part of Obama that is black, is his heart. 

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 11:41 | 4725821 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Frank Marshall Davis' one lucky sperm begs to differ.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 11:45 | 4725826 Clinteastwood
Clinteastwood's picture

Obama thinks he's so cute, but he is not funny.  Or, as the donkeys at CNN said after the dinner, he (and the bonehead comedian) are "funny as hell."  Now there's a Freudian slip.  

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 14:34 | 4726240 captivemind
captivemind's picture

Just reported your stupid ass.  Adios, loser!

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 10:37 | 4725672 Chuck Knoblauch
Chuck Knoblauch's picture

You sound like a WW II Jew who is standing in a ditch with a Nazi gun pointed at your head debating whether or not you should leave Germany before things get too dangerous.

You are so stupid that you would ask the Nazi for his advice?

Mr, Nazi, do you think I should leave Germany before it gets too dangerous to stay?

Yes, I am going to shoot you now not because you are Jewish, but because you are a RETARD!

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 11:07 | 4725757 Idleproc
Idleproc's picture

+100

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 12:07 | 4725893 Slave
Slave's picture

Yes. Communism is currently a weapon of mass financial destruction, but not the endgame.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 12:19 | 4725929 Tom_333
Tom_333's picture

Yeah - this months flavor. Or the the best mask to behind , right now. Perhaps not real Communism - more like Marxism - Trotskyism. And of course the buyers are those that do not have an iota of personal experience of that phenomena or understanding.

But somewhere down the line these new generations have their match with destiny waiting for them. The sum of all things may be much less fun and attractive than what the sheeple currently understand it to be.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 18:26 | 4726762 ugmug
ugmug's picture

Benghazi Beer Pong

 

This year's White House Correspondents Dinner was very religious. The media was trying to resurrect Obamacare while simultaneously trying to entomb Benghazi forever. 

 

Even David Gregory got in on all fun when he invited his shrink to do a psychoanalysis session using President Obama's teleprompter. 

 

The highlight of the evening was a drinking game called 'benghazi beer pong' that used President Obama's soiled golf balls and cups filled with the blood of all the deceased from the Benghazi attack on 9/11/12.

 

It was a proud night for the media to revel in their own pathetic worthless professionalism.

 

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 10:12 | 4725642 Drifter
Drifter's picture

Actually bankers won. And bankers are communists.

Communism is about control and money. Communist leaders control the people with an iron fist so they can siphon off the people's wealth into their own pockets.

Today we have a new communism where bankers use the government to control the people with an iron fist so bankers can siphon off the people's wealth into their own pockets.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 10:20 | 4725668 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Ding ding ding...we have a winner!!!

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 10:54 | 4725721 OC Sure
OC Sure's picture

 

 

 

 

Plato is winning most of the battles but inevitably Aristotle must win the war.

 

 

 

"The difference between an educated and an uneducated man is the same difference as between being alive and being dead."

     - Aristotle

 

 

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 11:32 | 4725806 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Obama got "educated" at Harvard, Columbia, and Occidental and that fancy prep school in Hawaii. Those are good schools, right? Right?

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 15:10 | 4726329 OC Sure
OC Sure's picture

Going to a good school and being educated are as different as being alive and being dead...

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 11:25 | 4725792 Cathartes Aura
Cathartes Aura's picture

meh, most govern-mental labels are designed to control the money, and the people that generate said monies - that's the fucking point of governments, no?

fuck the labels that just devolve into distracting nonsense arguments based on vague interpretations and beliefs.

GOVERNMENTS = BANKER CONTROL

and how many "nationstates" left without the precious "central bank" installed?

that's what should be paid attention to - because it is still ongoing, and it's still a priority.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 11:39 | 4725813 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Who has more votes, government employee unions and government dependents, or bank employees and bank stockholders? The answer to this riddle is that we have a coalition here. Bankers are stroking their monstrously big, ravenous coalition pals in the direction of their fur, for profit, yes, but they know these monsters have teeth. Such teeth are why and how it is the financial sector has been giving more to Dems in general and Obama in particular. Government has guns, prisons, mobs, and media on its side.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 12:00 | 4725857 Cathartes Aura
Cathartes Aura's picture

banks/bankers are the ownership class.

there are no sides in banker-universe.

all else is distractions, working as intended.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 13:49 | 4726161 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Marx much? How did that work out for the 100 million plus murdered by Marxist derived governments in the last century? Jesus H.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 10:38 | 4725704 Pig Circus
Pig Circus's picture

I can't even watch this clown when he is teleprompting jokes written by somebody else. Phuck him.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 10:43 | 4725710 Atomizer
Atomizer's picture

They were hung on lamp posts before, don't fool yourself into believing, they will get away this time around. 

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 13:03 | 4725800 Drifter
Drifter's picture

How long do they have to get away with it till you admit they're getting away with it?

I think it's safe to say there won't be any lamp posts this time. No prosecutions, no hangings, no guillotines, no lamp posts, no prison, no nothing.

Then entire government is serving them and protecting them.

You'd have to get past the govt to even get close to them. Good luck with that.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 17:52 | 4726663 CultiVader
CultiVader's picture

Psychopaths satirizing themselves. What, no drone skits?

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 11:06 | 4725750 Berspankme
Berspankme's picture

So many faggot ass fascists in one room at the same time. Where are the terrorists when we need them

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 14:19 | 4726213 RafterManFMJ
RafterManFMJ's picture

I just read they are over in Ukraine, 'advising' their government.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 15:02 | 4726297 bigkahuna
bigkahuna's picture

you pose the question - so I will answer: the terrorists are in the same room, in fact - they and the terrorists are one in the same.

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 12:02 | 4725867 trader1
trader1's picture

i know you like to think outside the box, but you really think the communists won?!

fuck me, what have i missed?

please guide me to where i can find this dictatorship of the proletariat you speak of...

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 15:12 | 4726328 bigkahuna
bigkahuna's picture

The commies described in the book never existed, and they never will. The commies in real life are very simply nasty despotic figureheads for the consolidation of power for even nastier oligarchs (see global banking cartel). -the "communists" exist AND they won because people were and still are fooled by the idea of communism and big government.

The contemporary statist (in the US its all democrats :most repubs too- in other parts of the world labor party) simply have not the slightest idea what they are supporting. 

The state will take everything and put you and your family down (6ft down)

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