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Deutsche Bank Has A Message For Its Traders: "Stop Swearing"
Deutsche Bank, which most recently has been in the spotlight for hightailing it out of the silver and gold fix (because it is clearly innocent of any precious metals manipulation as an "independent, impartial and extensive" inquiry by the Bank of England will surely prove), has a message for its traders: don't swear. Also don't boast or cheat.
The FT reports that the unusually hypocritical message, because the very definition of a trader is a person who swears, boasts or cheats, was sent out in video format (so traders didn't have to exert their filthy, boastful brains too much with reading) by a dapper co-head of Deutsche's Investment Bank, Colin Fan to the bank's sales and trading division.
In it, Fan, directed by the video's extensive production team, appears oftentimes agitated, sometimes angry, alternating between mania, euphoria and solemnity, and on the edge of lobbing a few F-bombs himself for dramatic effect inbetween takes to make sure the public realizes just how very serious Deutsche Bank is at uprooting uncouth behavior. Because, you see, Deutsche's "reputation is everything."
From the video:
"Some of you are falling way short of our established standards. Let’s be clear: our reputation is everything. Being boastful, indiscreet and vulgar is not OK. It will have serious consequences for your career. And, I have lost patience on this issue.”
“You may not realise it, but right now, because of regulatory scrutiny, all your communications may be reviewed,” says the Canadian, widely seen as a potential future chief executive of Europe’s largest investment bank. “This includes your emails, your conversations and your conduct.”
“Communications that run even a small risk of being seen as unprofessional stops right now. I need you to exercise good sense and sound judgment. Think carefully about what you say and how you say it.”
Surely if there is anything that will have a profound impact on the behavior of a generation of traders whose habits have been molded by years of debauchery and enabling regulators who just want a piece of the action or, at worst, a bribe, it is a harshly worded video.
Deutsche Bank confirmed the origination of the video and said "The substance and tone of this video is intentionally direct and part of an ongoing programme."
As for the reason for this amusing PR stunt: executives of the German bank, fined nearly $1 billion in December for its role in rigging Libor and Euribor, have been trying to convince investors and the general public that they are achieving “cultural change” in the bank in the wake of the recent rate-rigging scandals.
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I somehow doubt this is because of an abdundance of FUCK YOU BERNANKE e-mails sent among the traders.
I just f*cking hate it when people swear.
The ”all your communications may be reviewed,” was all about.
Professional "Traders" are some of the most foul mouthed people I have ever met. ROFL
"All your shit are belong to us!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qItugh-fFgg
Can we please send that same video message to Congress and Obummer?
Asking Deutsche Bank, or any banker for that matter, to correct bad behavior is like asking the Titanic to "Heal thyself"
I'm fucking outta here when Zero Hedge makes the same fucking video for its users.
No shit!
THIS IS YOUR NEW BOSS:
"all your communications may be reviewed,” “This includes your emails, your conversations and your conduct.”
In your face Biatches!
People who swear more are more honest, and there is no place for honesty in our market-rigging institution.
Sailors (real ones, not the fukin' yachting crowd) rank right up there
But pro traders likely have them beat
My first dinner with my parents after my hitch in the Navy got very quiet when I said: "Pass the fucking salt, willya."
Message for DB: "Leck mich am Arsch!"
Worked at DB three locations, nobody really sweared: traders were lilly-livered techy repressives, except for the fixed income guys (who have since been fired) or the derivatives guys (but who could blame them).
there are traders? like at the local flea market???
you mean the junior "exec" whose job is to pull the plug when the algobot goes berserk?
smells like free fuking money to me.
It was all those BTFD emails.
A Chinese heavy representing a German bank in Canada. That's rich.
It's funny how the Chinese agents have been gradually taking over the key western banks. And as all good easterners in leading position, the first thing to accomplish is to resolutely silence their foreign employees and make them follow the eastern rules and traditions.
OMG! LOL!
The lyrics:
I'm too sexy for my chains
Too sexy for my leather and chains
Too sexy...
Right Said Fan.
What was seen can not be unseen. Thanks a fucking lot William.
Careful, Colin is reading your posts.
Message from Colin O'Scopy?
NO BEVERAGE WARNING!!
I didn't know algos could swear.
DB runs a borderline criminal organization...everyone knows they manipulate the markets at will...
so what's the policy on Hookers and Blow?
what about midget-tossing?
Blow is only okay if you do the line off of a hooker, preferably her buttcrack
OK, just for clarity, are we talking about live hookers or dead hookers here? I don't want Colin getting all pissy with me.
It's always dead girls and live boys that will cause the most trouble, just saying.
JPMorgue: dead hookers
Golden Sachs: live hookers (vampire squids only consume live prey)
Is that the one legged limbo dancing midget,or an ordinary one ?
Tossing midget hookers apparently a go. Dwarf hooker protocall still under review by HR.
What a shitbird.
something tells me their clients are the ones swearing....
Right. They are probably mistaking the client emails for their traders.
Somebody get this guy a bullet proof vest and find that girl...
I swear it will work this time...
So you aren't allowed to swear while being suicided with a nail gun now?
Decorum till you die ... the new Deutsche Bank adage.
All together now......
That has to be the most retarded fucking video I've seen a firm put out. Does that mean they can't have Douche Bank in their signature?
I worked at Xerox a million years ago. This video is only mildly laced with stupidity. There's some really heavy-duty corporate bullshit videos running around out there.
Example: My wife manages and works at a rehab/nursing home type place. They sent out a video to all employees that they are not allowed to touch the residents/patients IN ANY WAY because of the potential for lawsuits. Nurses who are not allowed to touch their patients IN ANY WAY. Can you imagine? And no, it wasn't a joke. They were dead serious.
Nice, a video to prevent lawsuits that will land them in a lawsuit.
If I were in a nursing home, the nurses could touch me in anyway they deemed necessary...especially if it involved my dick.
"This is an important message, you need to pay close attention attention. We are massively undercapitalized. We are leveraged out our ass. We are sitting on a derivative time bomb. But that is not important right now. Because I have not lost patience on this issue. This will continue as usual.
However it has come to our attention that someone dropping a deuce on the 7th floor did not courtesy flush. They just kept on dumping out while the noxious fumes entered the hallway. You may not realize it, but these actions are open to regulatory scrutiny. I have lost patience on this issue. Flush the toilet. Light a match if necessary. Spraying Lysol does not drown out the shit smell. I repeat SPRAYING LYSOL DOES NOT DROWN OUT THE SHIT SMELL. Continued behavior like this will have serious conseqences on you personally."
Lol... I had no idea you worked in our office. would you add; refill the toilet paper holder after you've stripped off the last shred from the roll, to your memo please. Oh yeah, and wash you damned hands.....Oops I said damned.
Kito calls those people "the crapping dead".
I know that guy. It smells like a twenty year old decomposing zombie crawled out of his ass.
I'm laughing so hard right now somebody came it my office and asked me what I was laughing about.
That happens to me all the time reading the comments here. I probably hang out too much. I'd leave but it's too damn fun.
Any studies done about lost productivity due to ZH during work hours? Show up in ADP perhaps? Just curious...
Translation: Stop saying incriminating things over tracable communications mediums. It's costing the firm a bloody fortune.
Stop swearing - as you are robbing people blind. That is definetly leftist bullshit...
LMFAO!!!
Teufel du Scheißkerl
Consequences will never be the same!
DB = Douche Bags.
Can you say Mortimer?????
Sister Fan sounds like one of the penguins lecturing the 4th grade boys in Catlik skool.
Hans, pass me my cane and tell this naughty trader to assume the position: he hasn't tied a windsor knot.
Fuck The EU!
Wankers.
Image of the sailor looks like a "chick tract" image. Haven't seen one in a while. Interesting.
These people are worried about their reputation? Really? What kind of delusional fantasy have they conjured up? "We are stewards of integrity, ethical decision making, and demonstrate utter respect for those we serve." Ahhh, fuck it. Gimme all your money, you stupid muppet.
"Don't swear while you're fucking over our customers!"
So let me get this straight, a serious big-time money-maker for DB who uses filthy language is running a 'serious risk' for his/her career.
Yeah, sure I believe you Colin.
There's just one thing, Dude...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efZQhYu1E5s
Hey Colin - FUCK OFF... cunt.
Why do you want to be a trader? This one never gets old.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85lpWoESHUM
models & bottles! I'm going to use that one.
No sh!t...
"Look out--there's a huge motherfucking 767 headed straight for our building!!!"
Surely they will preserve the word 'bullshit'.
I think it is funny that they got a Canadian to do the video.
Canadian are so polite and nice, until they reach their boiling point, then watch out. VS a New Yorker, who is loud and boisterous all the time, but you know where you stand.
Heh - That probably sounds funny to a lot of those outside the US. I can only speak for myself but I found everyone in the USA to be so syrupy sweet it actually made me feel uneasy, New York included. All the fake smiles and synthetic small talk when all I wanted was my beer (or whatever it was) and to get the fuck outta the store.
I can see though why a lot of you speak favorably about states like Texas and the fly over states, but even more so the rural areas. They still seemed overly friendly but were as rough as guts at the same time (if that makes sense?).
"Your communications are reviewed" and "watch out what you say because it may have serious personal consequences"
One more fucking step closer to Nineteen Eighty-fucking-Four!
You betcha big fat cock Mr!
Big Cock brought to you by Dr. TRAN!
And now, trading etiquette featuring DOCTOR TRAN.
Oh well.
Just getting a wee bit tired of them. Have a simple message for Deutsche Bank
Stop Banking
I have yet to understand the difference between a "bank" and "lockbox with a spreadsheet in it."
The one marked 'bank' has vampire fangs.
Douche' Bank
Fick dich schlampe!
Deutsche Bank - Taking the MOAR high ground!
This is a warning to be more careful how you communicate so you won't get f^cking caught next time
My message to them is : stop breathing.
Fuck that.
How bout that Casino Investmenht, $4.3 Billion in; sold forf $ 1.7 Billion.
D.UMB B.ITCHES! YOU NO TRADAHS!!!!
Rumor has it his identical twin brother works at JPM and was responsible for #askJPM fiasco
Wouldn't want to hurt the feelings of the kleptos that are robbing us blind.
Obscenity, vulgarity and profanity are so much a part of the trading culture that it can be considered professional behaviour.
The ”all your communications may be reviewed,” was all about.
absolutely.
but thats nothing new, tradefloor normally has ~300 cams for ~150 persons
and every call recorded. not to speak of electronic policy orchestrator agents monitoring every machine realtime.
all that stuff reviewd 10 years back?
f--kin chimps
Well .. as the drummer of Blondie was heard to say after the burrp burrp ringing tone intro ing the song " Hanging on the Telephone " was left to ring a little too long on the studio mike before he could begin his metronome ;
" Somebody pick up the fucking phone ! "
Well fuck me.
I never will understand the cunts that try to curb language.
This motherfucker needs a swishy in the nearest public toilet - after about - oh...say 17...Guatemalan landscapers have taken wicked shits in the bowl.
"ShitPissFuckCuntCocksuckerMotherfuckerTits" - I doth quote George of Carlin on that.
So FUCK OFF...Colin...you colon
FUCK SHIT COCK CUNT PUSSY ASSHOLE!
PUSSYHOLE PEE PEE FUCK!
CUNT SHIT!
JANET YELLEN!
Barbara Streisand!!
They will have to think slower, and therefore, become more inefficient, since they will have to translate everything from their primary process language (swearing) into polite (politically correct) language.
Perhaps they can resort to more sign language with their hands?
http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2014-05-16/wanna-be-great-trader-size-matt...
Wanna Be A Great Trader? Size Matters... Finger Size