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Deutsche Bank Has A Message For Its Traders: "Stop Swearing"

Tyler Durden's picture


Deutsche Bank, which most recently has been in the spotlight for hightailing it out of the silver and gold fix (because it is clearly innocent of any precious metals manipulation as an "independent, impartial and extensive" inquiry by the Bank of England will surely prove), has a message for its traders: don't swear. Also don't boast or cheat.

The FT reports that the unusually hypocritical message, because the very definition of a trader is a person who swears, boasts or cheats, was sent out in video format (so traders didn't have to exert their filthy, boastful brains too much with reading) by a dapper co-head of Deutsche's Investment Bank, Colin Fan to the bank's sales and trading division.

In it, Fan, directed by the video's extensive production team, appears oftentimes agitated, sometimes angry, alternating between mania, euphoria and solemnity, and on the edge of lobbing a few F-bombs himself for dramatic effect inbetween takes to make sure the public realizes just how very serious Deutsche Bank is at uprooting uncouth behavior. Because, you see, Deutsche's "reputation is everything."

From the video:

"Some of you are falling way short of our established standards. Let’s be clear: our reputation is everything. Being boastful, indiscreet and vulgar is not OK. It will have serious consequences for your career. And, I have lost patience on this issue.”


“You may not realise it, but right now, because of regulatory scrutiny, all your communications may be reviewed,” says the Canadian, widely seen as a potential future chief executive of Europe’s largest investment bank. “This includes your emails, your conversations and your conduct.”


“Communications that run even a small risk of being seen as unprofessional stops right now. I need you to exercise good sense and sound judgment. Think carefully about what you say and how you say it.”

Surely if there is anything that will have a profound impact on the behavior of a generation of traders whose habits have been molded by years of debauchery and enabling regulators who just want a piece of the action or, at worst, a bribe, it is a harshly worded video.

Deutsche Bank confirmed the origination of the video and said "The substance and tone of this video is intentionally direct and part of an ongoing programme."

As for the reason for this amusing PR stunt: executives of the German bank, fined nearly $1 billion in December for its role in rigging Libor and Euribor, have been trying to convince investors and the general public that they are achieving “cultural change” in the bank in the wake of the recent rate-rigging scandals.


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Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:20 | 4766353 FuzzyDunlop21
FuzzyDunlop21's picture

I somehow doubt this is because of an abdundance of FUCK YOU BERNANKE e-mails sent among the traders.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:21 | 4766356 swass
swass's picture

I just f*cking hate it when people swear.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:30 | 4766397 svayambhu108
svayambhu108's picture

The  ”all your communications may be reviewed,” was all about.  

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:30 | 4766404 Stackers
Stackers's picture

Professional "Traders" are some of the most foul mouthed people I have ever met. ROFL

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:42 | 4766442 flacon
flacon's picture

"All your shit are belong to us!"

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:58 | 4766527 666
666's picture

Can we please send that same video message to Congress and Obummer?

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:07 | 4766540 El Oregonian
El Oregonian's picture

Asking Deutsche Bank, or any banker for that matter, to correct bad behavior is like asking the Titanic to "Heal thyself"

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:12 | 4766588 Chief Wonder Bread
Chief Wonder Bread's picture

I'm fucking outta here when Zero Hedge makes the same fucking video for its users.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:24 | 4766659 svayambhu108
svayambhu108's picture

No shit!

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:54 | 4766750 Arius
Arius's picture


"all your communications may be reviewed,”  “This includes your emails, your conversations and your conduct.”


In your face Biatches!

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 23:41 | 4768573 TheRedScourge
TheRedScourge's picture

People who swear more are more honest, and there is no place for honesty in our market-rigging institution.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 12:09 | 4766803 HardAssets
HardAssets's picture

Sailors (real ones, not the fukin' yachting crowd) rank right up there

But pro traders likely have them beat

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 12:55 | 4766937 Bastiat
Bastiat's picture

My first dinner with my parents after my hitch in the Navy got very quiet when I said:  "Pass the fucking salt, willya."

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:15 | 4766615 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Message for DB:  "Leck mich am Arsch!"

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:25 | 4766380 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Worked at DB three locations, nobody really sweared: traders were lilly-livered techy repressives, except for the fixed income guys (who have since been fired) or the derivatives guys (but who could blame them).  

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:15 | 4766613 what's that smell
what's that smell's picture

there are traders? like at the local flea market???

you mean the junior "exec" whose job is to pull the plug when the algobot goes berserk?

smells like free fuking money to me.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:37 | 4766428 BrosephStiglitz
BrosephStiglitz's picture

It was all those BTFD emails.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:44 | 4766450 robertsgt40
robertsgt40's picture

A Chinese heavy representing a German bank in Canada. That's rich.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 13:43 | 4767045 Anasteus
Anasteus's picture

It's funny how the Chinese agents have been gradually taking over the key western banks. And as all good easterners in leading position, the first thing to accomplish is to resolutely silence their foreign employees and make them follow the eastern rules and traditions.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:48 | 4766473 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:51 | 4766495 flacon
flacon's picture


Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:52 | 4766497 Ignatius
Ignatius's picture

The lyrics:


I'm too sexy for my chains

Too sexy for my leather and chains

Too sexy...

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:23 | 4766648 BrosephStiglitz
BrosephStiglitz's picture

Right Said Fan.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:58 | 4766529 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

What was seen can not be unseen. Thanks a fucking lot William. 

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:00 | 4766532 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Careful, Colin is reading your posts.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:14 | 4766603 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Message from Colin O'Scopy?

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 18:55 | 4767992 MeelionDollerBogus
MeelionDollerBogus's picture


Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:53 | 4766502 Jumbotron
Jumbotron's picture

I didn't know algos could swear.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 13:33 | 4767017 sidiji
sidiji's picture

DB runs a borderline criminal organization...everyone knows they manipulate the markets at will...


Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:21 | 4766355 RacerX
RacerX's picture

so what's the policy on Hookers and Blow?

what about midget-tossing?

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:22 | 4766363 FuzzyDunlop21
FuzzyDunlop21's picture

Blow is only okay if you do the line off of a hooker, preferably her buttcrack

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:38 | 4766430 asscannon101
asscannon101's picture

OK, just for clarity, are we talking about live hookers or dead hookers here? I don't want Colin getting all pissy with me.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 18:45 | 4767968 WmMcK
WmMcK's picture

It's always dead girls and live boys that will cause the most trouble, just saying.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 18:53 | 4767988 MeelionDollerBogus
MeelionDollerBogus's picture

JPMorgue: dead hookers
Golden Sachs: live hookers (vampire squids only consume live prey)

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:24 | 4766370 Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill's picture

Is that the one legged limbo dancing midget,or an ordinary one ?

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:26 | 4766382 JRobby
JRobby's picture

Tossing midget hookers apparently a go. Dwarf hooker protocall still under review by HR.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:21 | 4766359 Spastica Rex
Spastica Rex's picture

What a shitbird.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:21 | 4766360 onewayticket2
onewayticket2's picture

something tells me their clients are the ones swearing....

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:24 | 4766371 RacerX
RacerX's picture

Right. They are probably mistaking the client emails for their traders.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:23 | 4766366 The Most Intere...
The Most Interesting Frog in the World's picture

Somebody get this guy a bullet proof vest and find that girl...

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:33 | 4766415 Relentless101
Relentless101's picture

I swear it will work this time...

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:27 | 4766369 Smegley Wanxalot
Smegley Wanxalot's picture

So you aren't allowed to swear while being suicided with a nail gun now? 

Decorum till you die ... the new Deutsche Bank adage.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:25 | 4766376 JDFX
JDFX's picture

All together now...... 




Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:29 | 4766377 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

That has to be the most retarded fucking video I've seen a firm put out. Does that mean they can't have Douche Bank in their signature?

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:31 | 4766407 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

I worked at Xerox a million years ago.  This video is only mildly laced with stupidity.  There's some really heavy-duty corporate bullshit videos running around out there.

Example:  My wife manages and works at a rehab/nursing home type place.  They sent out a video to all employees that they are not allowed to touch the residents/patients IN ANY WAY because of the potential for lawsuits.  Nurses who are not allowed to touch their patients IN ANY WAY.  Can you imagine?  And no, it wasn't a joke.  They were dead serious.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:44 | 4766455 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Nice, a video to prevent lawsuits that will land them in a lawsuit. 

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:51 | 4766490 db51
db51's picture

If I were in a nursing home, the nurses could touch me in anyway they deemed necessary...especially if it involved my dick.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:36 | 4766412 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

"This is an important message, you need to pay close attention attention. We are massively undercapitalized. We are leveraged out our ass. We are sitting on a derivative time bomb. But that is not important right now. Because I have not lost patience on this issue. This will continue as usual.

However it has come to our attention that someone dropping a deuce on the 7th floor did not courtesy flush.  They just kept on dumping out while the noxious fumes entered the hallway. You may not realize it, but these actions are open to regulatory scrutiny. I have lost patience on this issue. Flush the toilet. Light a match if necessary. Spraying Lysol does not drown out the shit smell. I repeat  SPRAYING LYSOL DOES NOT DROWN OUT THE SHIT SMELL. Continued behavior like this will have serious conseqences on you personally."

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:40 | 4766427 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Lol... I had no idea you worked in our office.  would you add; refill the toilet paper holder after you've stripped off the last shred from the roll, to your memo please. Oh yeah, and wash you damned hands.....Oops I said damned.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:40 | 4766437 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Kito calls those people "the crapping dead". 

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:43 | 4766445 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

I know that guy. It smells like a twenty year old decomposing zombie crawled out of his ass.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:47 | 4766469 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

I'm laughing so hard right now somebody came it my office and asked me what I was laughing about.  

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:14 | 4766498 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

 That happens to me all the time reading the comments here. I probably hang out  too much. I'd leave but it's too damn fun.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:55 | 4766754 Wannabee
Wannabee's picture

Any studies done about lost productivity due to ZH during work hours? Show up in ADP perhaps? Just curious...

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:27 | 4766384 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Translation:  Stop saying incriminating things over tracable communications mediums.  It's costing the firm a bloody fortune.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:26 | 4766385 The Most Intere...
The Most Interesting Frog in the World's picture

Stop swearing - as you are robbing people blind.  That is definetly leftist bullshit...

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:27 | 4766387 orangegeek
orangegeek's picture



Teufel du Scheißkerl

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:28 | 4766392 blabam
blabam's picture

Consequences will never be the same!

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:28 | 4766393 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

DB = Douche Bags. 

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:28 | 4766394 youngman
youngman's picture

Can you say Mortimer?????


Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:29 | 4766398 Rainman
Rainman's picture

Sister Fan sounds like one of the penguins lecturing the 4th grade boys in Catlik skool.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:36 | 4766424 BrosephStiglitz
BrosephStiglitz's picture

Hans, pass me my cane and tell this naughty trader to assume the position: he hasn't tied a windsor knot.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:30 | 4766402 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Fuck The EU!

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:30 | 4766403 Uncle Remus
Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:33 | 4766410 moonstears
moonstears's picture

Image of the sailor looks like a "chick tract" image. Haven't seen one in a while. Interesting.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:33 | 4766414 economessed
economessed's picture

These people are worried about their reputation?  Really?  What kind of delusional fantasy have they conjured up?  "We are stewards of integrity, ethical decision making, and demonstrate utter respect for those we serve."  Ahhh, fuck it.  Gimme all your money, you stupid muppet.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:43 | 4766422 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

"Don't swear while you're fucking over our customers!"

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:36 | 4766423 Calculus99
Calculus99's picture

So let me get this straight, a serious big-time money-maker for DB who uses filthy language is running a 'serious risk' for his/her career.

Yeah, sure I believe you Colin.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:38 | 4766432 Dr. Kenneth Noi...
Dr. Kenneth Noisewater's picture

There's just one thing, Dude...

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:43 | 4766446 tucano
tucano's picture

Hey Colin - FUCK OFF... cunt.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:54 | 4766508 BadDog
BadDog's picture

 Why do you want to be a trader? This one never gets old.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:46 | 4766727 bluskyes
bluskyes's picture

models & bottles! I'm going to use that one.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:55 | 4766516 CHX
CHX's picture

No sh!t...

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:57 | 4766522 Vooter
Vooter's picture

"Look out--there's a huge motherfucking 767 headed straight for our building!!!"

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:00 | 4766534 Pumpkin
Pumpkin's picture

Surely they will preserve the word 'bullshit'.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:02 | 4766538 RaceToTheBottom
RaceToTheBottom's picture

I think it is funny that they got a Canadian to do the video.

Canadian are so polite and nice, until they reach their boiling point, then watch out.  VS a New Yorker, who is loud and boisterous all the time, but you know where you stand.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 23:40 | 4768570 Curiously_Crazy
Curiously_Crazy's picture

Heh - That probably sounds funny to a lot of those outside the US. I can only speak for myself but I found everyone in the USA to be so syrupy sweet it actually made me feel uneasy, New York included. All the fake smiles and synthetic small talk when all I wanted was my beer (or whatever it was) and to get the fuck outta the store.

I can see though why a lot of you speak favorably about states like Texas and the fly over states, but even more so the rural areas. They still seemed overly friendly but were as rough as guts at the same time (if that makes sense?).

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:07 | 4766555 Bokkenrijder
Bokkenrijder's picture

"Your communications are reviewed" and "watch out what you say because it may have serious personal consequences"

One more fucking step closer to Nineteen Eighty-fucking-Four!

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 12:33 | 4766891 bentaxle
bentaxle's picture

You betcha big fat cock Mr!

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:05 | 4766556 nathan1234
nathan1234's picture

Oh well.

Just getting a wee bit tired of them. Have a simple message for Deutsche Bank

Stop Banking

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 12:53 | 4766931 ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

I have yet to understand the difference between a "bank" and "lockbox with a spreadsheet in it."

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 17:44 | 4767848 MeelionDollerBogus
MeelionDollerBogus's picture

The one marked 'bank'  has vampire fangs.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:05 | 4766560 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 Douche' Bank

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 14:56 | 4766561 medium giraffe
medium giraffe's picture

Fick dich schlampe!

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:15 | 4766616 SystemOfaDrown
SystemOfaDrown's picture

Deutsche Bank - Taking the MOAR high ground!

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:37 | 4766697 Racer
Racer's picture

This is a warning to be more careful how you communicate so you won't get f^cking caught next time

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:37 | 4766698 Commodore64
Commodore64's picture

My message to them is : stop breathing.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:54 | 4766751 CuriousPasserby
CuriousPasserby's picture

Fuck that.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:58 | 4766769 Atlantis Consigliore
Atlantis Consigliore's picture

How bout that Casino Investmenht, $4.3 Billion in; sold forf $ 1.7 Billion.


Fri, 05/16/2014 - 12:01 | 4766780 Wannabee
Wannabee's picture

Rumor has it his identical twin brother works at JPM and was responsible for #askJPM fiasco

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 12:28 | 4766877 Dr. Destructo
Dr. Destructo's picture

Wouldn't want to hurt the feelings of the kleptos that are robbing us blind.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 13:00 | 4766944 Bastiat
Bastiat's picture

Obscenity, vulgarity and profanity are so much a part of the trading culture that it can be considered professional behaviour. 

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 13:27 | 4766997 JimmyRainbow
JimmyRainbow's picture

The  ”all your communications may be reviewed,” was all about


but thats nothing new, tradefloor normally has ~300 cams for ~150 persons

and every call  recorded. not to speak of electronic policy orchestrator agents monitoring every machine realtime.

all that stuff reviewd 10 years back?

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 13:32 | 4767013 Remington IV
Remington IV's picture

f--kin chimps

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 14:14 | 4767166 presidentsarkozy
presidentsarkozy's picture

Well .. as the drummer of Blondie was heard to say after the burrp burrp ringing tone intro ing the song " Hanging on the Telephone " was left to ring a little too long on the studio mike before he could begin his metronome ;

" Somebody pick up the fucking phone ! "

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 15:05 | 4767360 BeetleBailey
BeetleBailey's picture

Well fuck me.

I never will understand the cunts that try to curb language.

This motherfucker needs a swishy in the nearest public toilet - after about - oh...say 17...Guatemalan landscapers have taken wicked shits in the bowl.

"ShitPissFuckCuntCocksuckerMotherfuckerTits" - I doth quote George of Carlin on that.

So FUCK colon

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 16:00 | 4767553 Titus
Titus's picture





Fri, 05/16/2014 - 17:40 | 4767840 MeelionDollerBogus
Fri, 05/16/2014 - 18:36 | 4767950 Radical Marijuana
Radical Marijuana's picture

They will have to think slower, and therefore, become more inefficient, since they will have to translate everything from their primary process language (swearing) into polite (politically correct) language.

Perhaps they can resort to more sign language with their hands?

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