Deutsche Bank Has A Message For Its Traders: "Stop Swearing"

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Deutsche Bank, which most recently has been in the spotlight for hightailing it out of the silver and gold fix (because it is clearly innocent of any precious metals manipulation as an "independent, impartial and extensive" inquiry by the Bank of England will surely prove), has a message for its traders: don't swear. Also don't boast or cheat.

The FT reports that the unusually hypocritical message, because the very definition of a trader is a person who swears, boasts or cheats, was sent out in video format (so traders didn't have to exert their filthy, boastful brains too much with reading) by a dapper co-head of Deutsche's Investment Bank, Colin Fan to the bank's sales and trading division.

In it, Fan, directed by the video's extensive production team, appears oftentimes agitated, sometimes angry, alternating between mania, euphoria and solemnity, and on the edge of lobbing a few F-bombs himself for dramatic effect inbetween takes to make sure the public realizes just how very serious Deutsche Bank is at uprooting uncouth behavior. Because, you see, Deutsche's "reputation is everything."

From the video:

"Some of you are falling way short of our established standards. Let’s be clear: our reputation is everything. Being boastful, indiscreet and vulgar is not OK. It will have serious consequences for your career. And, I have lost patience on this issue.”

 

“You may not realise it, but right now, because of regulatory scrutiny, all your communications may be reviewed,” says the Canadian, widely seen as a potential future chief executive of Europe’s largest investment bank. “This includes your emails, your conversations and your conduct.”

 

“Communications that run even a small risk of being seen as unprofessional stops right now. I need you to exercise good sense and sound judgment. Think carefully about what you say and how you say it.”

Surely if there is anything that will have a profound impact on the behavior of a generation of traders whose habits have been molded by years of debauchery and enabling regulators who just want a piece of the action or, at worst, a bribe, it is a harshly worded video.

Deutsche Bank confirmed the origination of the video and said "The substance and tone of this video is intentionally direct and part of an ongoing programme."

As for the reason for this amusing PR stunt: executives of the German bank, fined nearly $1 billion in December for its role in rigging Libor and Euribor, have been trying to convince investors and the general public that they are achieving “cultural change” in the bank in the wake of the recent rate-rigging scandals.

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Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:20 | 4766353 FuzzyDunlop21
FuzzyDunlop21's picture

I somehow doubt this is because of an abdundance of FUCK YOU BERNANKE e-mails sent among the traders.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:21 | 4766356 swass
swass's picture

I just f*cking hate it when people swear.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:30 | 4766397 svayambhu108
svayambhu108's picture

The  ”all your communications may be reviewed,” was all about.  

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:30 | 4766404 Stackers
Stackers's picture

Professional "Traders" are some of the most foul mouthed people I have ever met. ROFL

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:42 | 4766442 flacon
flacon's picture

"All your shit are belong to us!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qItugh-fFgg

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:58 | 4766527 666
666's picture

Can we please send that same video message to Congress and Obummer?

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:07 | 4766540 El Oregonian
El Oregonian's picture

Asking Deutsche Bank, or any banker for that matter, to correct bad behavior is like asking the Titanic to "Heal thyself"

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:12 | 4766588 Chief Wonder Bread
Chief Wonder Bread's picture

I'm fucking outta here when Zero Hedge makes the same fucking video for its users.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:24 | 4766659 svayambhu108
svayambhu108's picture

No shit!

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:54 | 4766750 Arius
Arius's picture

THIS IS YOUR NEW BOSS:

"all your communications may be reviewed,”  “This includes your emails, your conversations and your conduct.”

 

In your face Biatches!

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 23:41 | 4768573 TheRedScourge
TheRedScourge's picture

People who swear more are more honest, and there is no place for honesty in our market-rigging institution.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 12:09 | 4766803 HardAssets
HardAssets's picture

Sailors (real ones, not the fukin' yachting crowd) rank right up there

But pro traders likely have them beat

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 12:55 | 4766937 Bastiat
Bastiat's picture

My first dinner with my parents after my hitch in the Navy got very quiet when I said:  "Pass the fucking salt, willya."

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:15 | 4766615 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Message for DB:  "Leck mich am Arsch!"

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:25 | 4766380 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Worked at DB three locations, nobody really sweared: traders were lilly-livered techy repressives, except for the fixed income guys (who have since been fired) or the derivatives guys (but who could blame them).  

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:15 | 4766613 what's that smell
what's that smell's picture

there are traders? like at the local flea market???

you mean the junior "exec" whose job is to pull the plug when the algobot goes berserk?

smells like free fuking money to me.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:37 | 4766428 BrosephStiglitz
BrosephStiglitz's picture

It was all those BTFD emails.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:44 | 4766450 robertsgt40
robertsgt40's picture

A Chinese heavy representing a German bank in Canada. That's rich.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 13:43 | 4767045 Anasteus
Anasteus's picture

It's funny how the Chinese agents have been gradually taking over the key western banks. And as all good easterners in leading position, the first thing to accomplish is to resolutely silence their foreign employees and make them follow the eastern rules and traditions.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:48 | 4766473 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:51 | 4766495 flacon
flacon's picture

OMG! LOL!

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:52 | 4766497 Ignatius
Ignatius's picture

The lyrics:

 

I'm too sexy for my chains

Too sexy for my leather and chains

Too sexy...

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:23 | 4766648 BrosephStiglitz
BrosephStiglitz's picture

Right Said Fan.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:58 | 4766529 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

What was seen can not be unseen. Thanks a fucking lot William. 

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:00 | 4766532 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Careful, Colin is reading your posts.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:14 | 4766603 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Message from Colin O'Scopy?

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 18:55 | 4767992 MeelionDollerBogus
MeelionDollerBogus's picture

NO BEVERAGE WARNING!!

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:53 | 4766502 Jumbotron
Jumbotron's picture

I didn't know algos could swear.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 13:33 | 4767017 sidiji
sidiji's picture

DB runs a borderline criminal organization...everyone knows they manipulate the markets at will...

 

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:21 | 4766355 RacerX
RacerX's picture

so what's the policy on Hookers and Blow?

what about midget-tossing?

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:22 | 4766363 FuzzyDunlop21
FuzzyDunlop21's picture

Blow is only okay if you do the line off of a hooker, preferably her buttcrack

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:38 | 4766430 asscannon101
asscannon101's picture

OK, just for clarity, are we talking about live hookers or dead hookers here? I don't want Colin getting all pissy with me.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 18:45 | 4767968 WmMcK
WmMcK's picture

It's always dead girls and live boys that will cause the most trouble, just saying.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 18:53 | 4767988 MeelionDollerBogus
MeelionDollerBogus's picture

JPMorgue: dead hookers
Golden Sachs: live hookers (vampire squids only consume live prey)

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:24 | 4766370 Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill's picture

Is that the one legged limbo dancing midget,or an ordinary one ?

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:26 | 4766382 JRobby
JRobby's picture

Tossing midget hookers apparently a go. Dwarf hooker protocall still under review by HR.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:21 | 4766359 Spastica Rex
Spastica Rex's picture

What a shitbird.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:21 | 4766360 onewayticket2
onewayticket2's picture

something tells me their clients are the ones swearing....

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:24 | 4766371 RacerX
RacerX's picture

Right. They are probably mistaking the client emails for their traders.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:23 | 4766366 The Most Intere...
The Most Interesting Frog in the World's picture

Somebody get this guy a bullet proof vest and find that girl...

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:33 | 4766415 Relentless101
Relentless101's picture

I swear it will work this time...

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:27 | 4766369 Smegley Wanxalot
Smegley Wanxalot's picture

So you aren't allowed to swear while being suicided with a nail gun now? 

Decorum till you die ... the new Deutsche Bank adage.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:25 | 4766376 JDFX
JDFX's picture

All together now...... 

 

 

 

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:29 | 4766377 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

That has to be the most retarded fucking video I've seen a firm put out. Does that mean they can't have Douche Bank in their signature?

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:31 | 4766407 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

I worked at Xerox a million years ago.  This video is only mildly laced with stupidity.  There's some really heavy-duty corporate bullshit videos running around out there.

Example:  My wife manages and works at a rehab/nursing home type place.  They sent out a video to all employees that they are not allowed to touch the residents/patients IN ANY WAY because of the potential for lawsuits.  Nurses who are not allowed to touch their patients IN ANY WAY.  Can you imagine?  And no, it wasn't a joke.  They were dead serious.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:44 | 4766455 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Nice, a video to prevent lawsuits that will land them in a lawsuit. 

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:51 | 4766490 db51
db51's picture

If I were in a nursing home, the nurses could touch me in anyway they deemed necessary...especially if it involved my dick.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:36 | 4766412 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

"This is an important message, you need to pay close attention attention. We are massively undercapitalized. We are leveraged out our ass. We are sitting on a derivative time bomb. But that is not important right now. Because I have not lost patience on this issue. This will continue as usual.

However it has come to our attention that someone dropping a deuce on the 7th floor did not courtesy flush.  They just kept on dumping out while the noxious fumes entered the hallway. You may not realize it, but these actions are open to regulatory scrutiny. I have lost patience on this issue. Flush the toilet. Light a match if necessary. Spraying Lysol does not drown out the shit smell. I repeat  SPRAYING LYSOL DOES NOT DROWN OUT THE SHIT SMELL. Continued behavior like this will have serious conseqences on you personally."

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:40 | 4766427 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Lol... I had no idea you worked in our office.  would you add; refill the toilet paper holder after you've stripped off the last shred from the roll, to your memo please. Oh yeah, and wash you damned hands.....Oops I said damned.

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 10:40 | 4766437 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Kito calls those people "the crapping dead". 

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