Don't Call Your GM Car A "Decapitating", "Kevorkianesque", "Rolling Sarcophagus", Or "You're Toast"

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Instead of "defective", GM suggests its employees use the phrase "does not perform to design" according to just released documents in the GM recall probe. However, the internal presentation provides a glimpse into the internal thinking at GM as it suggests the following 69 words should not be used in a company memo... including "Hindenburg", "spontaneous combustion", and "Kevorkianesque."

 

Via WSJ,

The full 69 banned 'judgment' words...

 

always, annihilate, apocalyptic, asphyxiating, bad, Band-Aid, big time, brakes like an “X” car, cataclysmic, catastrophic, Challenger, chaotic, Cobain, condemns, Corvair-like, crippling, critical, dangerous, deathtrap, debilitating, decapitating, defect, defective, detonate, disemboweling, enfeebling, evil, eviscerated, explode, failed, flawed, genocide, ghastly, grenadelike, grisly, gruesome, Hindenburg, Hobbling, Horrific, impaling, inferno, Kevorkianesque, lacerating, life-threatening, maiming, malicious, mangling, maniacal, mutilating, never, potentially-disfiguring, powder keg, problem, rolling sarcophagus (tomb or coffin), safety, safety related, serious, spontaneous combustion, startling, suffocating, suicidal, terrifying, Titanic, unstable, widow-maker, words or phrases with a biblical connotation, you’re toast

 

and in case you needed a little more help... here are some more translations...

 

"Trust" them.. they're from the government...

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Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:08 | 4782854 willpoi
willpoi's picture

My GM is Keynesian

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:19 | 4782894 James_Cole
James_Cole's picture

For those who haven't seen, enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6IZ2TroruU

1m44s in.

 

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:27 | 4782919 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

69? Who says .gov doesn't have a sense of humor?

1-800-fuck-yo

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:35 | 4782947 knukles
knukles's picture

So the phrase "This car hurts like a dripping penis" is OK.
Glad of that....

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:42 | 4782979 CPL
CPL's picture

Clap mobile is usually associated with the legacy GM brands of shaggin' wagon.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 22:28 | 4783576 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Good news, everyone! The following words are still A-OK:

assrape

barbeque

bloodbath

briquette

charred

conflagration

crematorial

doomwagon

emulsified passenger

incinerated

puree

sinister midget with a bucket and a mop

trailer park tornado-like

Thu, 05/22/2014 - 01:38 | 4783916 Fish Gone Bad
Fish Gone Bad's picture

You left off my favorite, CAR-B-QUE .  Mmmmmm car-b-que.

Thu, 05/22/2014 - 03:28 | 4784004 Confused
Confused's picture

Kafkaesque.

 

As in the way the company has been run. 

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:46 | 4782996 BeetleBailey
BeetleBailey's picture

THEY ALSO LEFT OUT "ACHING ASS MUNCHING CUSTOM REAMER"

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 19:20 | 4783096 ParkAveFlasher
ParkAveFlasher's picture

Sir, we have a self-pulverizing rectal-skewer/blender non-DESIGN condition that, eventually, self-disintegrates via long term oxidation and self-cools.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 19:00 | 4783038 XenoFrog
XenoFrog's picture

A little penicillin used to clear that right up.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:31 | 4782929 bbq on whitehou...
bbq on whitehouse lawn's picture

What was your first car? What did you do with it?
Is there an equation: fun vs safety. How much does fun increase with speed?
How much does safety decrease with speed? How about roads vs fields?
Show me a graph. I know at least one of you has one.
cars safer then running or useing a horse, cart.
Im sure the inventive could come up with lots of charts.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:47 | 4782998 CPL
CPL's picture

78 Ford LTD.  Would go like a bat out of hell depending on the hill. The take off speed was awesome, 0 to $20 bucks in under a minute.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 21:56 | 4783500 stormsailor
stormsailor's picture

43 ford wwii jeep. flathead 4 with the deepwater package.  it had a railroad tie welded to the frame for the front bumper.  would only go about 45 but if you yanked it off the road into a field of planted pine. it would just knock them completely down and never even slow down.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:37 | 4782954 stant
stant's picture

It was gov first effort at mandated healthcare, more of that to come. Be better off with a old corvair with a mpv player

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:37 | 4782959 BrosephStiglitz
BrosephStiglitz's picture

At some point in 20-30 years, people will be using the verb "to Bernanke" something.

Example: 
"Did you hear about the latest production line?"
"You mean the one Bob was working on?"
"Yeah.  They had to recall 40% of last year's product." 
"Damn, .gov really Bernanke'd that one." 

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:55 | 4783023 thecoloredsky
thecoloredsky's picture

It's all good. GM stock up over 1% today. What planet am I on again? 

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 20:38 | 4783284 Bunga Bunga
Bunga Bunga's picture

You are on Central Planning Planet. Everything is always fine, positive and better than expected. If something goes wrong,  than it's because of the weather.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:38 | 4782962 caShOnlY
caShOnlY's picture

Of course the phrase "piece of shit" is OK.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 20:51 | 4783320 Mr. Magoo
Mr. Magoo's picture

Or maybe "like a Pinto"

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:10 | 4782860 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

They can use "Fukuppy" though?

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:14 | 4782875 Eternal Complainer
Eternal Complainer's picture

They forgot to include lemon.
Unless its already included in the legacy banned list of automotivly blasphemous words never to be used.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:16 | 4782882 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

And "POS" as well. That's applicable.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:37 | 4782955 CPL
CPL's picture

Forsale:  V6 engineered shitbox, cash peddle works well with new flint-stone brake system.  Rolls nicely on tight curves, helmets included.  Clean engine, once.  Fresh paint holding rust together.  300,000 kilometres on odometer, low mileage.  Must be seen to be believed, ask for photos. OBO, 25k firm.

 

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:11 | 4782861 BrosephStiglitz
BrosephStiglitz's picture

Hindenburg?  Some of them must frequent ZH.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:37 | 4782957 knukles
knukles's picture

Schrodinger (looking into empty box):  "Where's the fucking cat?"
Heisenberg: "How should I know?" 

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:46 | 4782991 knukles
knukles's picture

.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 20:42 | 4783296 Bunga Bunga
Bunga Bunga's picture

On the other hand the word 'Zerohedge' is not banned.

Thu, 05/22/2014 - 12:25 | 4785131 StandardDeviant
StandardDeviant's picture

They ought to know by now that telling people not to use certain terms only inspires them to new heights of creativity.

There was a Telegraph story a few years ago about the employees of Disneyland Paris, who were ordered to stop referring to their place of employment as "Mauschwitz".  Within hours this was duly replaced by "Duckau".

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:11 | 4782864 mrdenis
mrdenis's picture

 "does not perform to design" ....could be describing Obama as well 

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:33 | 4782941 sessinpo
sessinpo's picture

mrdenis       "does not perform to design" ....could be describing Obama as well

---

Oh contrar, it is by design. Those that don't see that are way late in the game.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:11 | 4782865 QE49er
QE49er's picture

Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:35 | 4782946 bbq on whitehou...
bbq on whitehouse lawn's picture

What if you are driving, or your grandma is, driving the car in question.
Does X get a modifier or is it still just X.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 19:53 | 4783178 SmackDaddy
SmackDaddy's picture

fuck yeah.  My X gets a big fucking modifier.  Who else is going to work to pay for this shit?  old people, on the other hand... well, i figure theyve had a pretty good run just to make it to old...

oh, and its from fight club fag

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:11 | 4782866 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

GM needs a mascot.  How about a flaming corpse lying on a highway? Corpseboy

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:31 | 4782930 Atomizer
Wed, 05/21/2014 - 21:43 | 4783460 stormsailor
stormsailor's picture

they could have hefty bags instead of air-bags for that messy cleanup.  and automatic cross to pop out on the side of the highway, with flowers is optional.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:11 | 4782867 Eternal Complainer
Eternal Complainer's picture

I guess we're not too far away from another mass book burning and possible implementation of thought police.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:34 | 4782937 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

Exactly.  Downright Orwellian.  Doublespeak in the flesh.

Mix in 2 lbs. of 1984, bake at Fahrenheit 451, cool on metal rack, then carve slices of our new reality.  Doubleplusgood.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:14 | 4782871 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

GM trucks, "Like a Crock (of shit)"

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:14 | 4782873 FieldingMellish
FieldingMellish's picture

Everything the government touches it destroys.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 21:02 | 4783355 p00k1e
p00k1e's picture

GM was on the stretcher > government brought the paddles.

The U.S. is drowning in fiscal pollution.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:15 | 4782876 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

GM' GEO - "Gee, OoHHHHHH, IT'S ON FIRE!!!!!"

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:17 | 4782885 hangemhigh77
hangemhigh77's picture

I wonder why they stopped at 69.  Hmmmmm, maybe the guys secretary was on his desk at the time.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:18 | 4782887 Miss Expectations
Miss Expectations's picture

John Oliver

In light of General Motors' recall of 11 million vehicles and recently-leaked public relations memo, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver made a new, honest ad for their cars.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6IZ2TroruU

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:18 | 4782891 Anasteus
Anasteus's picture

Slavery underway.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:19 | 4782892 Global Hunter
Global Hunter's picture

There are some words in that list I didn't even know were used but they are very funny and I will now. "Disembowling", "grenadelike", "potentially-disfiguring" and from the headline "Kevorkianesque" and "rolling-sarcophagus".  Thanks GM that is some funny shit.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 23:01 | 4783590 Frozen
Frozen's picture

.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:20 | 4782897 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Control the language and you control the mind. The body soon follows.

Wed, 05/21/2014 - 18:20 | 4782901 Rainman
Rainman's picture

Peak anal retentive thinking on display...but necessary when you believe your employees are all idiots.  

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