Friday Humor: JP Morgan Has Finally Had Enough

Tyler Durden's picture


Ever seen Jamie Dimon, wearing his presidential cufflinks, stretch, bend and break the truth in front of Congress? The guy, and by implication JPMorgan, is unflappable: there is nothing in this world that could dent his cool. And yet, we may have just uncovered the weakest link in JPMorgan's armor. The one thing in the world that would make JPM "blink" is...


h/t @Sellputs

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Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:12 | 4790110 RaceToTheBottom
RaceToTheBottom's picture

Consumer Inflation!!!!!

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:12 | 4790130 knukles
knukles's picture

No wonder I never got informed about that.  They sent it to Goldstein by mistake.  Hey, Goldstein!  Listen up, I got a deal for you!

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:26 | 4790166 JoeSexPack
JoeSexPack's picture

Photo after lap dance.


Net worth is rising.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:54 | 4790197 Greenskeeper_Carl
Greenskeeper_Carl's picture

This guy is my hero.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:29 | 4790278 old naughty
old naughty's picture

which one, Jamie or JPM?

"blinks..." not turning (in his grave)?

commies R coming, they whip corpses, no?

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 22:03 | 4790371 economics9698
economics9698's picture

Goldstein should change is name real soon.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 22:18 | 4790406 macholatte
macholatte's picture


How do they know the photos were of Goldstein's genitals and not, say, Reggie Love or Jamie's? Huh?

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 22:21 | 4790421 Thomas
Thomas's picture

...or Blythe's.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 22:53 | 4790481 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture


Sat, 05/24/2014 - 03:34 | 4790799 Theosebes Goodfellow
Theosebes Goodfellow's picture

Well, I think either Morley or Goldstein is being a dick. The problem is I can't tell which one. I mean, the check's still good, isn't it? ;)

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 04:22 | 4790845 e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

(Oh sweet baby cheezus).

Cause, Tequila and operation mayhem. That's why.

For the record, this was never meant to get out.


Sat, 05/24/2014 - 08:10 | 4790991 jbvtme
jbvtme's picture

or Michelle's?

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:46 | 4790322 NYPoke
NYPoke's picture


Sat, 05/24/2014 - 12:23 | 4791300 Thom_333
Thom_333's picture

"The one thing in the world that would make JPM "blink" is..." a blank space on ZH...? Whatever secret you are trying to reveal doesn´t load. Or has been removed (?)

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:05 | 4790117 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

send in pictures of chicken hearts, crash JPM

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:14 | 4790134 knukles
knukles's picture



I'm not quite sure about our relationship, anymore....

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:16 | 4790138 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

You can either buy an ounce of silver and hope JPM crumbles into it's own ashes or send them (several) pictures of your pulsating balls and clearly annoy them. The choice is yours.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:18 | 4790144 knukles
knukles's picture

But what about us?

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:19 | 4790147 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

you know I did not think you would run when things got rough. Go. Just go.


(call me)

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:21 | 4790155 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Lol... Now I think I really did piss myself.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:36 | 4790175 knukles
knukles's picture

Just hold on, quit making fun of us.  Fonz and me are trying to work through a very difficult moment here. 
After all, Doc, how would you feel if a guy you'd only chatted with over the internet, and on ZH, no less, told the world, before he told you, about making chicken heart noises with his balls. 
You feel slighted, too, no?


When will you be home for me to call tonight, Fonz

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:42 | 4790184 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

as far as I remember there was no noise. That would add a whole other layer to this. Hang on let me see...

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:57 | 4790204 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

See this is why I can't bring myself to leave the Hedge. If I did I would never get an edumacation about chicken hearts.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:11 | 4790238 knukles
knukles's picture

Just for the record, I warned Fonz a long time ago that this place would rot his brain.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:48 | 4790324 SAT 800
SAT 800's picture

Well, this place does pass out a lot of information that appeals to people with whom you cannot tell the difference before and after their brain rotted.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:52 | 4790331 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Keep shortin them treasuries.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 22:56 | 4790487 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

what's the matter Colonel Sanders...CHICKEN?

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:58 | 4790351 Hobo Sapien
Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:22 | 4790157 Mr Pink
Mr Pink's picture

I bought an ounce for everyone....something tells me the morgue didn't notice

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:15 | 4790136 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

WTF? I'm a bit worried about you Fonz.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:17 | 4790145 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Yeah well I am pissed at Mr. Lennon Hendix. That asshole has my silver cost basis around $35 when as I said above, I could have sent in a few pics of my balls, as this gentleman above clearly did, and gotten the reaction I was shooting for to beign with, less thousands of dollars and a minor stroke.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:20 | 4790151 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Come on Fonz, think like a broker. If you liked it at $35 you'll love it at $20.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:21 | 4790152 knukles
knukles's picture

Hold the boat...
What has Lennon Hendrix got to do with you making your nuts make gurgling sounds?

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:25 | 4790163 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

The article was titled "JPM has finally had enough" 

All this time I thought we had to buy silver to crash them, thanks to Mr. Lennon Hendrix. I bought a lot of silver. This guy sent in a pic of his nuts. He got a better reaction than my buying of silver.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:00 | 4790206 Greenskeeper_Carl
Greenskeeper_Carl's picture

I feel your pain, but your silver we be worth at lot more than 35 one day. And pictures of this guys balls are like FRNs- there isn't really any limit on how's many he can print. Jamie should appreciate that.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 23:00 | 4790497 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

try nickel next time.

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 03:49 | 4790822 BigJim
BigJim's picture

 I feel your pain, but your silver we be worth at lot more than 35 one day. And pictures of this guys balls are like FRNs- there isn't really any limit on how's many he can print.

That's true, you can photograph your testicles an infinite number of times, but it sounds like JPM will only accept five of them (maybe six if nicely displayed).

Whereas they can produce - and sell! - infinite quantities of photographs of silver, which in banker jargon are called 'futures'.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:15 | 4790247 SafelyGraze
SafelyGraze's picture

good crowd tonight

good vibe

sick bastards


Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:46 | 4790320 SAT 800
SAT 800's picture

All this time I thought we had to buy silver to crash them, ---" You're extremely stupid. there really isn't any cure for this.

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 08:26 | 4790996 jbvtme
jbvtme's picture

knuks, dr., fonz..."the sound of gurgling nuts"???  you guys need to get out more on friday nights...

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:44 | 4790315 SAT 800
SAT 800's picture

Mr. Hendix didn't make your silver cost basis $35; you did. Because you're an uneducated member of the public who knows nothing about markets. It's one hundred percent your fault. Congratulations.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:51 | 4790334 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

You are the biggest fucking tool on this site and completely void of a sense of humor. Live with that truth.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 22:06 | 4790385 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Wow! You have to be the slowest dry ball member of the Hedge. How you got off the front porch is beyond me.

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 00:46 | 4790642 Terminus C
Terminus C's picture

but, but... he got an 800 on his SAT... he's the smrtst guy in the room no?

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 23:42 | 4792581 Spumoni
Spumoni's picture

You're just pissed because a) you have no balls to gurgle, and b) you bought all your silver at $49.50, and c) you can't think of anything clever to say. 

So shut up already!

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:19 | 4790150 knukles
knukles's picture

Indeed, that is way the fuck too far away form normal for any small deviation from normal.
I mean, did he already know about that, and if so how; or did he look it up as in go looking for things to do?



Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:23 | 4790158 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

I know because I went here, and back then it only cost 12k/yr.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:57 | 4790193 knukles
knukles's picture

Oh man.  I was way south, during the Hippy/National Guard wars, with hair down past my shoulders, a full beard, high waist-ed bells, tee that had old fashioned atom on it saying "Chemistry", pack of Camel straights rolled up in the sleeve (if you had filters, they'd be mooched away in a mo), cowboy boots and aviators.  I have no idea how much it cost.  I don't remember.  But I did find an old W-2 for about $25 the other day that I earned tutoring jocks the nights before their finals.  "You read the book"  "No"  "OK, lets, start here, conceptually, like, OK?"  "What's conceptually?"   "Um... like a concept...(lighting up)"  "Hey, I want.." (interrupted)..."No, you gotta study"  "You're not studying."  (inhaling deeply) "Yeah, well...(exhaling) I don't have a uh  test  um  tomorrow.  Do I?"  "What?"  "Listen, uh... It's like you got a test tomorrow, and uh (Big Hit) I don't"  (giggling)   "I'll fucking flunk out!"  "No you won't.  You're first string varsity OT, nobody's gonna flunk you out."  "No?"  "I'm sure"  "Really?"  "Yeah... Like uh... (BigHit)  what was your GPA the last few quarters?"  "0.5"  "(blessh, giggle) Uh... they don't go that low, man"  "No?"

It's all me and Frank Zappa, man ...

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 22:26 | 4790380 Hobo Sapien
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