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Friday Humor: JP Morgan Has Finally Had Enough

Tyler Durden's picture


Ever seen Jamie Dimon, wearing his presidential cufflinks, stretch, bend and break the truth in front of Congress? The guy, and by implication JPMorgan, is unflappable: there is nothing in this world that could dent his cool. And yet, we may have just uncovered the weakest link in JPMorgan's armor. The one thing in the world that would make JPM "blink" is...


h/t @Sellputs


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Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:12 | 4790110 RaceToTheBottom
RaceToTheBottom's picture

Consumer Inflation!!!!!

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:12 | 4790130 knukles
knukles's picture

No wonder I never got informed about that.  They sent it to Goldstein by mistake.  Hey, Goldstein!  Listen up, I got a deal for you!

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:26 | 4790166 JoeSexPack
JoeSexPack's picture

Photo after lap dance.


Net worth is rising.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:54 | 4790197 Greenskeeper_Carl
Greenskeeper_Carl's picture

This guy is my hero.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:29 | 4790278 old naughty
old naughty's picture

which one, Jamie or JPM?

"blinks..." not turning (in his grave)?

commies R coming, they whip corpses, no?

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 22:03 | 4790371 economics9698
economics9698's picture

Goldstein should change is name real soon.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 22:18 | 4790406 macholatte
macholatte's picture


How do they know the photos were of Goldstein's genitals and not, say, Reggie Love or Jamie's? Huh?

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 22:21 | 4790421 Thomas
Thomas's picture

...or Blythe's.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 22:53 | 4790481 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture


Sat, 05/24/2014 - 03:34 | 4790799 Theosebes Goodfellow
Theosebes Goodfellow's picture

Well, I think either Morley or Goldstein is being a dick. The problem is I can't tell which one. I mean, the check's still good, isn't it? ;)

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 04:22 | 4790845 e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

(Oh sweet baby cheezus).

Cause, Tequila and operation mayhem. That's why.

For the record, this was never meant to get out.


Sat, 05/24/2014 - 08:10 | 4790991 jbvtme
jbvtme's picture

or Michelle's?

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:46 | 4790322 NYPoke
NYPoke's picture


Sat, 05/24/2014 - 12:23 | 4791300 Thom_333
Thom_333's picture

"The one thing in the world that would make JPM "blink" is..." a blank space on ZH...? Whatever secret you are trying to reveal doesn´t load. Or has been removed (?)

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:05 | 4790117 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

send in pictures of chicken hearts, crash JPM

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:14 | 4790134 knukles
knukles's picture



I'm not quite sure about our relationship, anymore....

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:16 | 4790138 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

You can either buy an ounce of silver and hope JPM crumbles into it's own ashes or send them (several) pictures of your pulsating balls and clearly annoy them. The choice is yours.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:18 | 4790144 knukles
knukles's picture

But what about us?

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:19 | 4790147 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

you know I did not think you would run when things got rough. Go. Just go.


(call me)

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:21 | 4790155 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Lol... Now I think I really did piss myself.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:36 | 4790175 knukles
knukles's picture

Just hold on, quit making fun of us.  Fonz and me are trying to work through a very difficult moment here. 
After all, Doc, how would you feel if a guy you'd only chatted with over the internet, and on ZH, no less, told the world, before he told you, about making chicken heart noises with his balls. 
You feel slighted, too, no?


When will you be home for me to call tonight, Fonz

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:42 | 4790184 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

as far as I remember there was no noise. That would add a whole other layer to this. Hang on let me see...

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:57 | 4790204 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

See this is why I can't bring myself to leave the Hedge. If I did I would never get an edumacation about chicken hearts.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:11 | 4790238 knukles
knukles's picture

Just for the record, I warned Fonz a long time ago that this place would rot his brain.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:48 | 4790324 SAT 800
SAT 800's picture

Well, this place does pass out a lot of information that appeals to people with whom you cannot tell the difference before and after their brain rotted.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:52 | 4790331 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Keep shortin them treasuries.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 22:56 | 4790487 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

what's the matter Colonel Sanders...CHICKEN?

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:58 | 4790351 Hobo Sapien
Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:22 | 4790157 Mr Pink
Mr Pink's picture

I bought an ounce for everyone....something tells me the morgue didn't notice

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:15 | 4790136 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

WTF? I'm a bit worried about you Fonz.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:17 | 4790145 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

Yeah well I am pissed at Mr. Lennon Hendix. That asshole has my silver cost basis around $35 when as I said above, I could have sent in a few pics of my balls, as this gentleman above clearly did, and gotten the reaction I was shooting for to beign with, less thousands of dollars and a minor stroke.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:20 | 4790151 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Come on Fonz, think like a broker. If you liked it at $35 you'll love it at $20.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:21 | 4790152 knukles
knukles's picture

Hold the boat...
What has Lennon Hendrix got to do with you making your nuts make gurgling sounds?

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:25 | 4790163 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

The article was titled "JPM has finally had enough" 

All this time I thought we had to buy silver to crash them, thanks to Mr. Lennon Hendrix. I bought a lot of silver. This guy sent in a pic of his nuts. He got a better reaction than my buying of silver.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:00 | 4790206 Greenskeeper_Carl
Greenskeeper_Carl's picture

I feel your pain, but your silver we be worth at lot more than 35 one day. And pictures of this guys balls are like FRNs- there isn't really any limit on how's many he can print. Jamie should appreciate that.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 23:00 | 4790497 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

try nickel next time.

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 03:49 | 4790822 BigJim
BigJim's picture

 I feel your pain, but your silver we be worth at lot more than 35 one day. And pictures of this guys balls are like FRNs- there isn't really any limit on how's many he can print.

That's true, you can photograph your testicles an infinite number of times, but it sounds like JPM will only accept five of them (maybe six if nicely displayed).

Whereas they can produce - and sell! - infinite quantities of photographs of silver, which in banker jargon are called 'futures'.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:15 | 4790247 SafelyGraze
SafelyGraze's picture

good crowd tonight

good vibe

sick bastards


Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:46 | 4790320 SAT 800
SAT 800's picture

All this time I thought we had to buy silver to crash them, ---" You're extremely stupid. there really isn't any cure for this.

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 08:26 | 4790996 jbvtme
jbvtme's picture

knuks, dr., fonz..."the sound of gurgling nuts"???  you guys need to get out more on friday nights...

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:44 | 4790315 SAT 800
SAT 800's picture

Mr. Hendix didn't make your silver cost basis $35; you did. Because you're an uneducated member of the public who knows nothing about markets. It's one hundred percent your fault. Congratulations.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:51 | 4790334 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

You are the biggest fucking tool on this site and completely void of a sense of humor. Live with that truth.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 22:06 | 4790385 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Wow! You have to be the slowest dry ball member of the Hedge. How you got off the front porch is beyond me.

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 00:46 | 4790642 Terminus C
Terminus C's picture

but, but... he got an 800 on his SAT... he's the smrtst guy in the room no?

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 23:42 | 4792581 Spumoni
Spumoni's picture

You're just pissed because a) you have no balls to gurgle, and b) you bought all your silver at $49.50, and c) you can't think of anything clever to say. 

So shut up already!

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:19 | 4790150 knukles
knukles's picture

Indeed, that is way the fuck too far away form normal for any small deviation from normal.
I mean, did he already know about that, and if so how; or did he look it up as in go looking for things to do?



Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:23 | 4790158 fonzannoon
fonzannoon's picture

I know because I went here, and back then it only cost 12k/yr.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:57 | 4790193 knukles
knukles's picture

Oh man.  I was way south, during the Hippy/National Guard wars, with hair down past my shoulders, a full beard, high waist-ed bells, tee that had old fashioned atom on it saying "Chemistry", pack of Camel straights rolled up in the sleeve (if you had filters, they'd be mooched away in a mo), cowboy boots and aviators.  I have no idea how much it cost.  I don't remember.  But I did find an old W-2 for about $25 the other day that I earned tutoring jocks the nights before their finals.  "You read the book"  "No"  "OK, lets, start here, conceptually, like, OK?"  "What's conceptually?"   "Um... like a concept...(lighting up)"  "Hey, I want.." (interrupted)..."No, you gotta study"  "You're not studying."  (inhaling deeply) "Yeah, well...(exhaling) I don't have a uh  test  um  tomorrow.  Do I?"  "What?"  "Listen, uh... It's like you got a test tomorrow, and uh (Big Hit) I don't"  (giggling)   "I'll fucking flunk out!"  "No you won't.  You're first string varsity OT, nobody's gonna flunk you out."  "No?"  "I'm sure"  "Really?"  "Yeah... Like uh... (BigHit)  what was your GPA the last few quarters?"  "0.5"  "(blessh, giggle) Uh... they don't go that low, man"  "No?"

It's all me and Frank Zappa, man ...

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 22:26 | 4790380 Hobo Sapien
Fri, 05/23/2014 - 23:07 | 4790510 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

roll your own next time phucker....

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 10:33 | 4791142 Hobo Sapien
Hobo Sapien's picture


Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:50 | 4790332 SAT 800
SAT 800's picture

Exactly as realistic as the campaign to buy silver coins carried on here on Zero Hedge, to crash them. By the way, I told all of you this was the worst sort of nonsense; but of course, no one listened.

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 09:04 | 4790827 BigJim
BigJim's picture

And we're still not listening to you, no matter how many times your handle tells us how often you pee every night.... sitzpinkler.

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 02:26 | 4790738 Gold Eyed Cat
Gold Eyed Cat's picture

Take it from a lady, never ever go nut knuckle on the first date.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:02 | 4790119 JailBanksters
JailBanksters's picture

The one thing in the world that would make JPM "blink" is...

A Letter from the President stating you must start obeying the Law now or we will take away your License.


Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:13 | 4790123 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Hahahahaha.... The 'president' telling the Morgue what to do... Lolololoolololo

Fuck I think I just pissed myself I laughed so hard.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 23:00 | 4790498 1000924014093
1000924014093's picture

You seriously need a diaper, man.

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 23:45 | 4792587 Spumoni
Spumoni's picture

yeah, Doc. That's twice in one article!

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:04 | 4790120 brockhardman
brockhardman's picture

Here is your fruit basket...

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:05 | 4790124 LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

Somehow I think if I sent pictures of my genitals to JPM, I would not receive such a polite note.  

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:08 | 4790126 medium giraffe
medium giraffe's picture

Works better if you've been circumcised.

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 03:58 | 4790829 BigJim
BigJim's picture

I've yet to find a film format large enough.

Just sayin'...

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:10 | 4790129 DaddyO
DaddyO's picture

They would just laugh at me...just saying.


Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:17 | 4790142 Miffed Microbio...
Miffed Microbiologist's picture

Well, if you had a nose to match that may engender some respect.


Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:39 | 4790167 knukles
knukles's picture

The other day some of us were having lunch after golf and there was a commercial on The Golf Channel for something or other... one of those new diseases which nobody ever heard about until this commercial.. and the guy was telling about everything that could go wrong from taking the stuff... sounded like a whole section out of the Book of Revelations, I mean who would even try taking some of this stuff things could get out of control like that  ... and one of them was that one's sexual organs might grow in the wrong place*.
So I thought, "Knuks, what would you do if a great big penis grew out of your forehead?"  And immediately, I knew the answer, thanks to ZH.  I'd rub a little glue on it and sprinkle it with glitter and make like a unicorn!

small children and puppy dogs would probably love it which could be problematic, no?



*I think, it's been a long time since I've done any drugs, but every once in a while, I catch myself thinking kinda, well you know, innovative thoughts...

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:57 | 4790202 Miffed Microbio...
Miffed Microbiologist's picture

Hmmm, the best I can come up with is grasp your ears and pull hard. You may be able to reseat it to its proper location. If not, change your name to Dick and enjoy all the new found female attention( I really find it hard to ignore a saluting man). But, of course, I'm not a Dr and am not licensed to give out medical advise. ;-)


Sat, 05/24/2014 - 05:19 | 4790881 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

I hate to be rude on a family site like ZH, but if you hav a huge penis growing from your forehed you would simply be a dickhead.

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 08:32 | 4791001 jbvtme
jbvtme's picture

i'd be happy to have a huge penis growing anywhere

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 08:31 | 4791000 jbvtme
jbvtme's picture

now there's some serious head

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:16 | 4790253 WillyGroper
WillyGroper's picture

Good gosh man, how old are you?

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:14 | 4790133 Excursionist
Excursionist's picture

Bank employees were able to see a Jewish guy's dick in a photo?  Strains credibility...

The pic must have been taken with a 20 megapixel professional camera and magnified a couple of times.

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 00:08 | 4790597 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

credulity, dude. strains CREDULITY.
(among other things....

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:15 | 4790137 blindman
blindman's picture

Bob Dylan's 115th Dream
from john williams 2 years ago

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:17 | 4790139 knukles
knukles's picture

If everybody got drunk enough, we all could...
... sounds like a seemed like a good idea at the time, idea

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 04:01 | 4790834 BigJim
BigJim's picture

Send a picture of your dick, crash JP Morgan? Someone call Max Keiser, it's time to rally the troops!

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:17 | 4790140 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

I think those pictures were meant for the SEC.

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 00:09 | 4790598 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

i sent them pictures of my big, hairy....

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:17 | 4790141 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

those aren't my genitals bitchez

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 23:48 | 4792592 Spumoni
Spumoni's picture

Taint ass, taint puzzy.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:21 | 4790146 Lux Fiat
Lux Fiat's picture

...a law that reduces bank leverage ratios to 1:7 or less, with no loopholes...

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:21 | 4790153 loveyajimbo
loveyajimbo's picture

Doesn't Jamie know that this guy is Blankfein's brother in law?

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:52 | 4790182 knukles
knukles's picture

So it all boils down to professional courtesey.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:21 | 4790154 Dre4dwolf
Dre4dwolf's picture

Everyone should do this seriously.

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 00:14 | 4790608 disabledvet
disabledvet's picture

do what? and why be serious about it? maybe if we did it in jest....

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:23 | 4790160 Wait What
Wait What's picture

coincidence? i had a dream about my balls this morning. "my balls are so big, they grew their own set of balls"

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:24 | 4790162 Lux Fiat
Lux Fiat's picture

Ok, I'm not getting any pictures... just blank space.  Me thinks I need to check my settings...

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:44 | 4790186 GooseShtepping Moron
GooseShtepping Moron's picture

Me too. Just blank space. What is it I'm not seeing?

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:09 | 4790231 MeelionDollerBogus
MeelionDollerBogus's picture

I have no problem seeing it. Maybe you have a firewall or script disabled for

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 22:20 | 4790417 Lux Fiat
Lux Fiat's picture

Thanks for the link, assuming I didn't just pick up a virus or two.  I half expected the date on the memo to be April 1. 

If this happens on a somewhat regular basis with other customers, some enterprising employees could start a weekly pool as to which department gets the short or long end of the stick, so to speak...

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 23:42 | 4790559 OldPhart
OldPhart's picture

I can see your link fine, but there isn't a picture showing under the article.

Thanks for the link, now it all makes sense.


I recommend photos of ones they can kiss it.

Mon, 05/26/2014 - 17:47 | 4796486 MeelionDollerBogus
MeelionDollerBogus's picture

Hoo kneads inster-grahams anyhow.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:40 | 4790181 thamnosma
thamnosma's picture

Now they are being sued for zinc price manipulation.  Friggin' zinc

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:57 | 4790203 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

Anything which is traded on an exchange is manipulated. And all this is possible because zero interest rates, fractional reserve banking and leverage can work wonders for those in the know and in control.



Fri, 05/23/2014 - 20:55 | 4790195 Peter Pan
Peter Pan's picture

I believe the jewish word for family jewels is "Schmuck". 

Hence in this case, "what a schmuck". Or is it his message to JP Morgan who pays no interest, telling JP that they have him by the "jewels"?

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:25 | 4790272 Stud Duck
Stud Duck's picture

I clicked on the article and nothing was there. WTF!

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 21:53 | 4790328 tony wilson
tony wilson's picture

The horrible thing about the 2 minute jew hate was not that one was obliged to act a part, but that it was impossible to avoid joining in.



he fotos and faxes his circumcised microdick cos he fuckinwelljewcan



gold stein hate day.

do you know winston what the future is or could be?

a caterpillar boot stamping on a rothschild face forever



as for jp he killed the beautiful mind of tesla and deprived the world of endless energy  possibilities.

we got stuck with a gatekeeping cunt called einstein

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 22:44 | 4790470 orangegeek
orangegeek's picture

My name is Fabrizio and I have a problem.

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 23:24 | 4790537 El Hosel
El Hosel's picture

Hey Jamie, wanna see my junk?

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 23:26 | 4790539 Minburi
Minburi's picture

Shut those fuckers down!

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 03:04 | 4790765 SharkBit
SharkBit's picture


Sat, 05/24/2014 - 03:47 | 4790818 Stockmonger
Stockmonger's picture

Photos of his genitals are considered legal tender in most countries of the world.


He is, the World's Most Interesting Man.

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 09:36 | 4791058 Last of the Mid...
Last of the Middle Class's picture

those aren't his genitals, that's his mother in the background.

Sat, 05/24/2014 - 23:52 | 4792597 Spumoni
Spumoni's picture

Read the text again. He's depositing his dick. Maybe its Goldmember...

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!