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A Candid Look At New Normal Jobs
Welcome to the new normal reality of job-hunting in 2014... "Our venture-funded vertical-driven content prosumer phablet platisher is rapidlygrowing and we need to add some Ninja Rockstar Content Associates A.S.A.P. See below for a list of open positions!"
Originally posted at Medium.com, written by Paul Ford,
As explainer sites like Vox.com and FiveThirtyEight.com grow in importance, we are seeking a first-class EXPLAINER EXPLAINER to help readers make sense of the people who would make sense of the world for them. You will have the enviable position of capturing recent trends in explainers by writing between five and ten blog posts a day outlining those trends. While most of your time will be spent creating explainer explainers, you will also occasionally round up other explainer explainers to create explainer explainer explainers. To apply, explain yourself.
The modern newsroom is data-driven and traffic-driven. That’s why we’re looking for a DATA CHURNALIST. Like John Henry battling against the steam hammer, you will be responsible for tunneling through mountains of Excel spreadsheets and government FTP files to produce at least two dozen articles a day illustrated with pie charts. Also like John Henry you won’t be in a union. The ideal candidate has proven experience in correlating.
Feminism is changing—we’re changing with it! Our legendary women’s vertical launched as “Dworkinville” (2001-2007), was renamed “Ladies.biz” after a rollup (2008-2009), then re-rebranded as “Slutbox Junction” (2010-2014). Now we’re just calling the site “Tits” and targeting it to men 15-79. Our last editor (aka Edit Queen) left to work for some magazine with salaries, so we need a new QUEEN, TITS. Who is the ideal candidate? He or she is a fifth-to-ninth wave feminist who can speak with authority about the patriarchy while mollifying advertisers and reviewing panties, simultaneously appealing to men but never mentioning the issue of class. If that’s you, send us a photo of you at the beach.
To the entire media establishment BuzzFeed is a big deal—its traffic is besting that of more established peers and it has hired nearly one-third of the people in New York City. That’s why we need an EDITOR, BUZZFEED. You will not edit BuzzFeed (apparently someone does that already) but instead will edit a new vertical totally dedicated to repeatedly explaining how BuzzFeed, despite simply being a very large and well-funded blog, represents the future of the media. Articles we’d like to see include: “Is this the future of media?” “Is the future of media this?” and “Media’s future?” The ideal candidate can work the words “platform” and “ecosystem” into anything.
Are you a native full-stack visiongineer who lives to marketech platishforms? Then come work with us as an in-house NEOLOGIZER and reimaginatorialize the verbalsphere! If you are a slang-slinger who is equahome in brandegy and advertorial, a total expert in brandtech and techvertoribrand, and a first-class synergymnast, then this will be your rockupation! Throw ginfluence mingles and webutante balls, the world is your joyster. The percandidate will have at least five years working as a ideator and envisionary or equiperience.
Come help maintain viral aggregation’s secret shame! As READER, REDDIT, you will read Reddit and create the Redditorial that drives most of our traffic! Successful applicants will demonstrate the ability to avoid eye contact.
Our enterprise is seeking a full-time FAT SHAMER who can work across social media and blogs. Every day you will identify celebrities who have gained small or large amounts of weight and make remarks like “step away from the buffet table” &c., including the classic “oink!” Truly great fat shamers will not limit themselves to criticizing the bodies of famous women but will also draw attention to regular women who have been forced into the news cycle, including victims of violence and the mothers of slain children—because who couldn’t stand to lose a few? Successful candidates will be able to write the words “just sayin’!” seven thousand times per month without killing themselves. No fatties.
#Trendit! We have an immediate opening for a world-class OUTRAGE OPTIMIZATION EXPERT to furyhack our traffic across social media. The ideal candidate has proven abilities at composing rage pegs for any story and has demonstrated the ability to prefix any tweet with “THIS.” or “LISTEN.” Candidates will be required to flame out in two years and disavow their past views while encouraging their still-seething acolytes to “moderation.”
As our animal-based verticals have grown we are in need of someone with a liberal-arts-degree who can blog in the voice of a MEERKAT NAMED PHILBIN. For whatever reason the meerkat is like 80% of our traffic and the last person left to run the new Quantum Physics vertical at BuzzFeed. Help.
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Speaking of which, Obummer is looking for a new press secretary.
The D.C. cesspool is full to the brim with lying lowlife pieces of shit. So replacing Carney with a new talkin turd will not be a problem.
Welcome to the north american Zimbabwe. We speak ebonics here
Here’s another job opening. The Bilderberg Group is looking for a tea server. Experience with Plutonium is a must. ;-)
Looney
It's polonium, but what's a few protons between friends?
someone is a few neutrons short of a stable isotope
Are you positive?
There's no charge either way.
Web startups and resulting hip lingo are some of the worst plagues upon man.
Hey! I'm an expert ENTROPY ENTROPICATOR!
Cause I can make a mess of anything for the right price.
Very nice thread, boyz. :P For realz.
every time I hear entropy I have to remind people there is also negentropy. negentropologist. etc
Language evolves as fast as the technology that delivers it and co-opts other ideas from other groups and cultures. The language posted is silicon speak which is the evolution of an older online technical shorthand dialect called "PsYchO ChicKeN!". Eventually it'll evolve into a street language like in the movie Bladerunner except for online. In japan the online emoticons are now so broad and complex you could have a full conversation with the 10000 or so emoticons that represent a 'feeling', 'thing' or complex paragraph of ideas. Don't even need to speak japanese on online japanese forums to communicate an idea today. Just use emoticons. basic sample set:
In an IT/Dev/Eng/Online spheres it's useful to truncate globally known processes with what makes sense. It also keeps people that don't know from shit posting, trolling and ARG'ing. <--- see the silicon speak to truncate a globally known complex concepts of online annoyances. In ten years, no one will be able to recognize the English language as silicon speak picks apart what is understood as communication. So that communication isn't getting dumber. It's evolving to work around a monopoly of language that doesn't work for them to get their day to day stuff done.
If you are looking to listen to music that is front line on this type of stuff. Beck. Purposeful nonsense, or hyper philosopher. Either you get it, or you don't. There's no middle ground, his tunes are pretty catchy though. That's what all these kids have been up to for twenty years btw. Reinventing the world in their eyes. But to do that first they had to change the language to make it work. And when the the way a word is spoken and used, it's changes the power of it's delivery and the method it gets used. Like a magic alchemy of words to foster growth in the direction they need it to go in order to survive in the shit hole given to them.
tl;dr version: Language is getting compressed like a zip file for efficiency to communicate a goal, or an idea, or a feeling.
*\(^O^)/*
Always enjoy your posts CPL.
Life, lemon, lemonaide, etc. Learning about history is as much as learning how language shuffles around, where a word ends up and it's longevity. Interesting piece on how a meme can be passed on over time and mean the exact same thing today as it did 15000 years ago if reviewing by region.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/linguists-identify...
And today the largest region of the planet isn't a country, or a religion or a philosophy. It's a communication platform called the Internet.
- If it were a country by GDP it's the single source of all transactions from love letters to bills to backups to the entire functional logistics train of the entire planet.
- If the internet were a consumer of energy, it's ranked 7th in the world in terms of total energy consumption and delivers everything as efficiently as possible with the given regional technology penetration.
- If the internet were a country in terms of efficiency, no CPU is idle because it means you've spent too much on a solution to scale it properly and there are enough hands all around the world. The internet functions identically in a Nepalese village in the exact same manner it does in Mexico city because of efficiency in the OSI stack to deliver 'work'.
- If the internet were a country and it was defined in a currency. It would be priceless because everything is in there somewhere by the contribution of strangers that find value in sharing the information. But since no value can be placed on freely given good information, it is priceless. Well...most of it, there are still a lot of really stupid ideas out there.
So we ain't seen nothing yet.
Right now in IT terms, this is the base platform and it's already kicked in every door it's met. Wait until the real apps are finished and deployed. It's going to make everything look like betamax in a live streaming universe. Moore's law isn't just applicable to hardware speed, it can also be used quite flexibly to any method of technology development to remove or reinvent something. To first do that though, communication needs to be happen. If between the ages of 8 - 80, everyone has been learning the new language at their own pace as it fits with their online sphere of influence.
Regardless of a persons shape, age, race, colour, size, on the internet no one knows if you are a dog. <--- another meme to compress a very complex idea of trans-locational spacial awareness and identity with all the history and philosophy behind it.
Or tl:dr version: I am online, therefore I am online. lol
Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, CPL, but you are a total wanker.
Sometimes you have to solo and take important matters in hand regardless of the people that want to screw you.
Fap fap fap!
And when you do, beat it like it owes you money.
Usted, me oyes! Tome este fuego a ese viejo. Tire del gusano negro de la corteza y darle a la madre. Y no se escupe en las cenizas!
moore law apply until it is humans who design computer hardware...
today, humans use software assistance to create. wait the very 1st fully AI designed system...
please repost that using only emoticons.
Words
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IasCZL072fQ&feature=kp
In lieu of words. Interpretive dance works.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkzsoJf-UsA
I approve of this evolution of language and communication. When the language I use has become obsolete, I will retire to a cabin in the woods and communicate within nobody. And it will be fucking great.
/no sarc
Communing with nature is much more satisfying than trying to understand most of the people I come face to face with.
My wife and I are usually on the same page, so she gets to come with.
He has one already. Josh Earnest.
What a name. It sounds like a stage name
Hysterical ain't it?
"Josh" Earnest...chief propagandist. From a carny (carnival barker) to someone who josh's you in earnest. I swear, you just can't make this shit up...lol.
Remember Bush's Tony Snow.....
lol...point taken, now if his name had been Tory Snow ;-)
Hmmmm, I know! How about Mr. Hanky?
"Our venture-funded vertical-driven content prosumer phablet platisher is rapidlygrowing and we need to add some Ninja Rockstar Content Associates A.S.A.P. See below for a list of open positions!"
Ooh ooh, I can translate this one. We want some college interns to come into our office ten hours a day seven days a week this summer, and surf Reddit for material to steal for clickbait blog posts. You must be willing to put the shitty and embarrassing material up under your name, we take the good stuff. You will be unpaid of course, so you better have parents rich enough to set you up in NYC for the summer, or be pretty enough to get a sugar daddy. If you’re a girl and not obese, our politics editor will hit on you, so you better decide soon if you truly want to go anywhere in the new media business. He’s married and has genital herpes, by the way.
That is why i say that Obama has achieved into making the USA: a third world african country. Welcome to the new Zimbabwe!!
come on, it really is not all that easy to wreck a society.
Jen Psaki would be the perfect fit.
He should look into hiring MillionDollarBonus
Perfect!
How about bearing buyers who know a little SQL, and a smidge about gold & BTC? No? No jobs for me?
Not even if I write posts at Zero Hedge™?
Ah, well. That's just the New Normal.
it's a tough move from "Outrager in Chief" to "Outrageous in Chief."
We could try a "pivot" here and see how the President does during a "news conference" while wearing a clown outfit. Perhaps a clown car instead of the Caddy "to project omnipotence" as well?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dwBGvn23zg
I wouldn't recommend that of course.
You're better off your own boss.. At least you get to choose which 80 hours a week you work
The Intercept is/was hiring: https://firstlook.org/theintercept/2014/05/13/intercept-hiring/
https://gigaom.com/2014/04/14/if-you-want-more-news-from-first-look-medi...
...
When asked what kind of attributes he was looking for in filling out the ranks at The Intercept, Cook was succinct — and possibly also somewhat controversial: “Not white. Not male. Fast,” he said. “Interested in reporting as a live, iterative process that plays out on the Internet, as well as one where you go away for six weeks and come back with 4,000 words.”
...
Please Tyler, we have ESL students here. /s
Needed, experienced BANKSTRATCIAN. Duties include, but are not limited to:
EXPLAINEERING, ie making up reasons why equities go up on bad economic metrics without mentioning QE...
Bankster coiffure- help to maintian that special, hard to define, non-stick sleekness that is the very definition of .01%...
DOLLARISKINESS: Design disinformation/misinformation and pure propaganda about the imminent demise of the dollar and the need to buy perpetually depressed PM commodities. Because a sucker is born every minute.
MISDIRECTIONATION... some people are mesmerized by large breasts, others by UFO's, and still more by teen celebrity meltdowns. Help to create the latest media sensation that helps the magic hand.
Fuck reddit, that site's days are numbered. mods there censure comments like they're editors from liberal media
Heh, all the better for the Gawker/Huffpo/Slate type sites that steal content from it, they're getting the editing done for them as well as the content creation.
I've never heard of Paul Ford before, but he sure wrote a funny piece here.
"...reimaginatorialize the verbalsphere!"
Priceless.
Yesterday the State Department's Spokeswoman acknowledged that an American citizen fighting in Al-Qaeda's ranks in Syria carried out a suicide bombing. The USA supports the so called Syrian rebels, who are mostly international Al-Qaeda terrorists recruited by western intelligence agencies from across the globe. Europe has perhaps 2,000 muslim extremist citizens, maybe more, fighting in Syria. The USA has an unknown number, but we do have proof now that at least one American as acted in support of US foreign policy by joining Al-Qaeda and becoming a suicide bomber.
Perhaps this is off topic, but we should ALL note that we have reached a point where the USA not only funds, arms, recruits and trains Al-Qaeda and other Muslim terror groups, but we now provide them with American citizens to do suicide bombings. Maybe I am overly sensitive, but is America reaching a point of total insanity? In Libya we used NATO as Al-Qaeda's airforce and then as a recruting ground for Jihadist troops and weapons to send to Syria, where serveral US allies turned on the Ambassador in charge of Al-Qaeda recruiting in Libya. We funded the training and organization of openly nazi Ukrainians in supprt of NATO expansion. So the US now supports Al-Qaeda and Nazis in Europe. What next? How low will the neo-cons sink in their dream of a unipolar world of American empire?
So a recently sworn-in citizen, who remains otherwise a wild-eyed, ululating towelhead is now called an American citizen...?
This is a ZOG-inspired meme to help make middle-brow, white bread Amerikans suspicious and frightened of each other.
In other words, to misdirect the White Rage (another ZOG-inspired meme, designed to have the same effect). Bravo.
Jack - excellent summary of TPTB insanity in the US. What is even sadder is that the only reason that the "Americna" suicide bomber was reported on was to set up a link to Syrian terrorists and some planned false flag in the US. Pasaki already has her talking points.
Yep, totally off topic. FFS...
I can get behind this new norm when the headlines read: " In breaking news, US Funded, US born Al-Queda operatives execute Suicide bombing of Federal Reserve meeting. No survivors have been identified. In other news, CIA and NSA chiefs fired for...."
you're off topic but today they handed over a GI for five GITMO detainees. they had the man for five years, and the transfer took place under drone surveillance, and the massive US military prescence. ho hum, we can blast these poor bastards into the stone age, but maybe not, we're losing this thing obviously and we're definitinely leaving afghanistan in 2016!! or until we become tired of giving THEM money. it all leads back to bin laden, why Clinton could not get approval to take him out, and what happened shortly thereafter
tooooooo funny. brilliantly done.
like a scythe through the pretense of our times...
VC-funded-"fun"-job-titled-negative-revenue-earning-masses-leeching-web-startups are a disgrace and an outright embarassment (not to mention their recent, ahem... "valuations") to businesses who provide real/useful service and/or ship real/useful products, especially the ones built from scratch with one's own pockets.
A-greed SB.
That is why I'm joining one again. To make a difference from the in-side :-)
David Bowie- Life on Mars
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22SyXHNQrcY
We are now watching the greatest show on Earth- a parody of ourselves.
Where this script has been written ten times or more...
"who can blog in the voice of a MEERKAT NAMED PHILBIN."
Hey! I resemble that remark!
*standing*
*slow clap*
Well played sir.
Why no jobs for the Goy on the list?
never heard of vox. whent there and saw tagline: everything you need to know in 2 minutes presented by GE.
Jesus H Christ its getting like fucking Freejack out there....,.
PR and marketing has gone the way of modern art; the artist and a few critics and backers say its art, everyone else scratches their heads.
Health care policy has nothing to do with health, international relationships has nothing to do with projecting power, wealth has nothing to do with worth, "American" has nothing to do with America.
The new economy; its all bullshit, all the way down.
Meh. This can't be for real. Are these jobs designed for and by people with schizophernia and or aspergers?
I thought I was reading "The Onion!" 4 out of 5 stars!
Or you could just practice, "Would you like that to go?"
In case any of those satirical job descriptions sound interesting, here are a couple of real job openings.
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/pen/wri/4493133871.html
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/wri/4492231719.html
I love the fat shamers! School systems aren't allowed to tell parents if their daughter is pregnant but have no problem telling parents their daughter is fat.
What if she is fat because she is pregnant???
I really don't think fat shamers are really necessary. I was at the store the other day and a huge woman managed to wiggle herself into a T shirt many sizes too small for her that said Club Pilates on the front. Frankly I was not sure if this was sarcasm or ignorance.
Miffed;-)
News 2.0
George Orwell was very close when Winston explained about dumbing the language down.
EXPLAINER EXPLAINER was that Jay Carney,s job? Now Liar Liar would be the new guy's title
You left off the tagline from the original:
I went to a "meetup" of "data scientists" the other day, and it was just like this iirc, btw, omg, lol, yolo, foad. Except for better or worse, the speakers were seriously recruiting, and I presume for paid positions.
"All positions are unpaid."
Yes, in the "sharing" economy (AKA "depression"), everyone's time is worth ZERO.
Fits perfectly with ZIRP (money value of time is zero) and Obamaland (value of personal initiative is zero).
ROFL - Freaking awesome!
Hey Tyler, who in the government keeps tabs on the new jobs that are created? When the economy recovers, new jobs are created, do they have names? Shouldn't they have names? I want to know what occupations have been created or how many current occupations have new openings. Funny thing, the gubbermint does not give out this information. Can yoiu supply us with this information? Thanks.
there you go asking intelligent questions, pardon me what are your drone coordinates?
exquisite technomonium Tylers!
I'm confused, do I actually need a talking meerkat to apply?
For many years Spencer Katt was a big deal columnist (with a feline avatar) in the PC industry, so this is hardly much of a stretch. For that matter they need a replacement voice for Tony the Tiger as of last week.
You should've included "straight A student" in there. That's the best job I know of. Pays about $35,000 cash equivalent per year.
Great article!
Here's an eye-opening article that was published this February:
Job seekers beware of the fake job postings
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/02/09/1274938/-Job-seekers-beware-of-...
Last month, AdWeek.com posted an article and video about a company that decided to hold fake interviews:
24 People Who Applied for the World's Toughest Job Were In for Quite a Surprise
A brand's great gotcha videos
http://www.adweek.com/adfreak/24-people-who-applied-worlds-toughest-job-...
I don't know whether to laugh or cry about this, I think people, "in the know" are probably crying because there is more than an element of truth here.
a hundred years ago a factory job was foreign to a lot of people (children took to the work, just as kids take to computers now) hence child labor laws in that century. what interests me is that television seems to be dying (we used to be worried that our kids spent too much time watching TV). the fact that television is dead allows some people to believe obama is acceptable. i dont watch the news therefore the president is okay (the old republic by the way) maybe colbert will run, somebody about ready to leave the media orbit should apply.
now theres a job
I'm confusioned
IT SHOULD HAVE READ... "RABIDLY GROWING"
Reject the new ab-normal!
The ‘New Normal’ in Australia means drug tests for the unemployed.
EXPLAINER EXPLAINER
There’s a Big Bad Wolf @ dat door piggly wiggly’s...
WTF? Did AnAnonymous write that?
I still haven't gotten an apology from the libtards who insisted the Magic Negro would ride in and save the day.
"just get a job? why don't I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into jobland where jobs grow on little jobbies!"
#8
http://www.buzzfeed.com/isaacfitzgerald/anywhere-but-here?utm_term=2t6x2sj#39v5key