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Thursday Humor: Did Amazon Just Unveil "The Magnifying Lens"?

Tyler Durden's picture




 

As the world waits with bated breath over the magic time-transporting baby unicorn that Jeff Bezos is teasing us with, we can't help but think the following commercial looks like the product is a magnifying lens and the testers just discovered their wedding-tackle... on the serious side, as long as this new "thing" is cashflow negative then it should be good for another 10-20% in AMZN stock - here's to hoping...

 

 

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Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:03 | 4828201 Four chan
Four chan's picture

fleshlight.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:12 | 4828231 chumbawamba
chumbawamba's picture

Nope, Miley Cyrus' actually disembodied but still animated vagina.

-Chumblez.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:22 | 4828273 1stepcloser
1stepcloser's picture

Thanks for the vizual.  Animated cause it still squirts?

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:26 | 4828278 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

I'll just leave this here.

http://imgur.com/gallery/7EDGK

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 19:13 | 4828415 SafelyGraze
SafelyGraze's picture

I'm thinking, maybe, some sort of, like, a "virtual book" that you can read anytime, anywhere

that would be fantastic, especially with vacation coming up and everybody needing to read at the beach

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 19:23 | 4828446 Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

[sound of respirator]

Even the putz Palpatine, er Lord Sidious wouldn't go that low.

[sound of respirator]

 

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 21:17 | 4828710 rbg81
rbg81's picture

My initial thought was some kind of motorized, sentient strap on penis.  The dead give-away was when the girl said: "It moved with me.". 

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:28 | 4828284 IndyPat
IndyPat's picture

Wormz

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:57 | 4828374 CPL
CPL's picture
Man buys penis enlarger, gets magnifying glass instead

http://www.thestar.com.my/News/Nation/2014/06/03/Man-buys-penis-enlarger...

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 19:41 | 4828493 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

And the guy actually reports it!

Bet the boys at the police station had some chuckles over that one.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 20:51 | 4828665 SloMoe
SloMoe's picture

The boys at the police station already have a penis enlarger. It's the brass shield they wear on their chest...

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:05 | 4828204 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

"Buy me a drink, sailor?" she asks as she leans over, exposing her Amazonian cleavage.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:14 | 4828237 CrashisOptimistic
CrashisOptimistic's picture

How very invasive.  OTOH:

http://headlines.ransquawk.com/headlines/reports-of-a-ukrainian-attack-a...

 

/reports-of-a-ukrainian-attack-aircraft-entering-the-russian-airspace-over-the-rostov-region-of-russia-05-06-2014

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 19:24 | 4828449 Uncle Remus
Uncle Remus's picture

Ruh-roh.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:05 | 4828205 RacerX
RacerX's picture

is it too late to call the top?

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:06 | 4828210 Stoploss
Stoploss's picture

The ladies were obviously holding something different.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:10 | 4828223 Urban Redneck
Urban Redneck's picture

Fucking devolved hunchbacks who run their mouths without making eye contact...

Negative selection in action.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:14 | 4828240 spacecadet
spacecadet's picture

It's a 

glasses-free 3D holographic smartphone 
Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:27 | 4828281 duo
Thu, 06/05/2014 - 19:12 | 4828408 SafelyGraze
SafelyGraze's picture

duo found a nice one

yelpulus

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 19:23 | 4828445 spacecadet
spacecadet's picture

Now that's funny right there. ROFLMAO!

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:16 | 4828248 Bagbalm
Bagbalm's picture

face on screen looks right at you?

 

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:17 | 4828250 Sticky Wicket
Sticky Wicket's picture

It's a mini money printer that you can take on the go.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:18 | 4828255 LeisureSmith
LeisureSmith's picture

So unscripted and genuine, and not cheezy at all. I'm impressed.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:26 | 4828279 adr
adr's picture

We've just gone so far past peak lunacy that all of life has become a caricature of itself.

It's all bad Jewish comedy. You wait for the punchline until you realize the joke was that you actually sat there listening to it.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:34 | 4828294 IndyPat
IndyPat's picture

Not true.
Exhibit A: Blazing Saddles
Sat through it at least 50 times.

Edit: the second part anyway.....first part was dead on.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:33 | 4828285 tony wilson
tony wilson's picture

jeff i am not jewish bozo

presenta

new old stock

the

obarma strap on micro cock

comes in indonesian yellow or kenyan brown or jewish satanic  child blood sacrifice  red.

for the soccer mom in us all

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:29 | 4828286 Goldilocks
Goldilocks's picture

Cat in the Hat Kitchen Scene HD
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLFn_wD2B8I (2:34)

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:38 | 4828310 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Is it just me?

Does anyone else notice anything about these people?

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:40 | 4828319 James Dandy
James Dandy's picture

Retarded Americans?

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 19:02 | 4828386 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

Probably Canadians, as they are cheaper to employ in film and TeeVee.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 19:31 | 4828463 James Dandy
James Dandy's picture

Nah, too many had nose piercings to be Canadian. 

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:53 | 4828362 izzee
izzee's picture

Wait til Jack Ma ...Alibaba hits the USA Scene..the Chinese Bezos

 

all those Amazonian "Independent Sellers"...becauze Jeff, you destroyed my business...

 

Hey Jeff....Meet JACK MA

 

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:56 | 4828371 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

They are not even there.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 22:02 | 4828826 Brindle702
Brindle702's picture

I'll bite, what?  They are all thin?  They are all looking down?  They are all smiling like the Stepford Wives?

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 22:13 | 4828846 dexter_morgan
dexter_morgan's picture

gullible?

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 22:18 | 4828857 TheReplacement
TheReplacement's picture

They are all Amazon employees working on the project projecting false enthusiasm for a gadget that won't really make anyone's life significantly better for an unjustifiably high price?  Nope, didn't notice anything.

Fri, 06/06/2014 - 04:35 | 4829265 Apostate2
Apostate2's picture

I do not want to 'notice' anything about these people. Mr WilliamB these people are not noticeable. Just more boring and sophistical smears on a glass plate parading as haute cusine du jour.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:40 | 4828317 world_debt_slave
world_debt_slave's picture

I was going to say an ounce of gold, but the masses don't get it,except maybe the Chinese guy.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:48 | 4828347 B2u
B2u's picture

Cool, something new that I am not going to buy.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:57 | 4828373 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

If you don't buy it then the trrists win.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:52 | 4828358 Goldilocks
Goldilocks's picture

Yo Ty, watch this (as punishment?)

US Dollar dominance will end - Chantelle Schieven Interview
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-J90vm21FA (10:37)

…and no, you’re not allowed to put your fingers in your ears and hum. Sorry.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:54 | 4828363 Z_End
Z_End's picture

Parallax for People?!

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:58 | 4828376 nosoeawe
nosoeawe's picture

here's what amazons new device does.

it makes and receives calls and you can surf the net if so inclined.

fucking bleeding edge shit coming out of amazon!

 

 

Fri, 06/06/2014 - 00:22 | 4829104 palmereldritch
palmereldritch's picture

Amazon's new smart phone does one better than the NSA!  Not only does it record all your conversations, it also tells you what to say!!

In keeping with Bezo's purchase of WaPo, it's called The Mockingbird.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 18:59 | 4828381 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

That was really a crisis-actor audition for the next DC US false-flag. They should have focused more on crying instead of surprise and joy. "Crying" seemed to be their week point the last two times.

 

"I cried when I saw Robbie Parker laugh, as it was then that I knew for sure."

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 19:01 | 4828385 orangegeek
orangegeek's picture

MOAR technology to do the same thing we did in 2005, but instead of a mouse, we use our fingers.

 

Fabulous.

 

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 19:14 | 4828418 Dr. Gonzo
Dr. Gonzo's picture

It's probably the device to chip the entire world population with. 

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 19:20 | 4828421 NuYawkFrankie
NuYawkFrankie's picture

Amazon morons being shown how to tie shoelaces.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 20:46 | 4828652 Postal
Postal's picture

I thought there was an app for that... /s

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 19:18 | 4828430 mr.n3utr0n
mr.n3utr0n's picture

3D Gameboy

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 19:29 | 4828460 Chief Wonder Bread
Chief Wonder Bread's picture

+1 for 'bated' instead of 'baited'.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 20:04 | 4828546 Son of Loki
Son of Loki's picture

I dono. AMZN with a PE at 504 looks pretty tempting.

 

http://finance.yahoo.com/q?s=amzn&ql=1

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 20:38 | 4828630 JuliaS
JuliaS's picture

Bezoz going door to door blowing shareholders. I knew it'd come to this.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 20:46 | 4828649 Who was that ma...
Who was that masked man's picture

I've got it.  A baby.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 21:34 | 4828756 _SILENCER
_SILENCER's picture

It's most likely another nice piece of invasive AI you can carry around with you as it reports to the Utah NSA Data Center.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 22:11 | 4828839 dexter_morgan
dexter_morgan's picture

bingo

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 21:44 | 4828782 ironmace
ironmace's picture

probably an amazon phone.

The commercial without sound is hilarious. It does look like they've just found their twig and berries.

Thu, 06/05/2014 - 22:36 | 4828890 the grateful un...
the grateful unemployed's picture

it's my legs i had completely forgotten i had them, i just put one foot ahead of the other and they take me places, and i dont have to think, step one step two, it just works awesome

Fri, 06/06/2014 - 08:00 | 4829423 AdvancingTime
AdvancingTime's picture

And when you think about it they are incredibly useful!

Fri, 06/06/2014 - 03:32 | 4829244 OldPhart
OldPhart's picture

Ok, I'm a bit out out of the times, but I can take a joke..

but WTF is Amazon?

Fri, 06/06/2014 - 04:14 | 4829257 Calculus99
Calculus99's picture

WHERE ARE THE FLYING CARS?

Go back to when the spy plane Blackbird was introduced, the 60s, now that's advanced technology. The people behind that and all the other great tech inventions of that day must be turning in their graves right now at the state of the technology industry and what they develop.

I bet this Amazon thing is just another screen for kids to send crappy text messages and adults to look at porn (nothing wrong with that). But seriously, is that all they can do?

WHERE ARE THE FLYING CARS?

WHERE ARE THE ROBOTS IN MY HOUSE FOR COOKING, CLEANING, MOWING THE LAWN ETC?

It's not too much to ask is it when we put a man on the moon 45 years ago. Now, THAT'S what I call advancement in tech just 24 years after the 2nd World War where the jet engine wasn't even used and many armies were still relying on horses for their supply routes.

WHERE ARE THE FLYING CARS?

The tech industry, how you've let us all down...

Fri, 06/06/2014 - 05:02 | 4829278 Random
Random's picture

If you think about it the answer is contained in the question, sort of. You expect flying cars because we went to the moon 45 years ago but if we didn't put a man on the moon 45 years ago that's why we don't have flying cars now. Rather simple really.

Fri, 06/06/2014 - 06:28 | 4829327 Calculus99
Calculus99's picture

A man was put on the moon 45 years ago, then another and then about 10 more. Humans can't keep secrets, or at least most of them can't and the faking of the moon landings would probably be the biggest story of the last 100 years, so it would come out especially as there's big money to be made.

It's not so much about flying planes, it's more about the fact that almost nothing earth shattring has been invented over the last 50-100 years that changed mankind. Think the car, the jet airplane, the telephone, electicity, computers, nuclear, lasers, radar, radio, tv and so on. The world was using many them 50-100 years ago.

All we seem to have today is new better develped screens and apps where you can post pircures of yourself jacking off, or showing your tits. Where are the big invesntions that change the world, where in nucelar fusion, that could cure world poverty almost overnight, it's still '20 years away' and 20 years ago it was '20 years away'.

As for Robots, what a joke. I watched a program recently about a robot developed by the South Koeran MIT, South Korea is one of the top 5 most advanced countries these days, especially when it comes to tech. This robot was desinged to cut carrots and cucumbers, it was painful to watch and we're talking about cutting vegtables. Go back to the 60s, if we'd ask those people where the current tech sector would be 50 years later, they'd be shocked at how little we've done.

One of the only industries that does seem very advanced over the last 50 years is medical. As for everything else, all we can look forward to it seems is more pixels in our smart phones, and hell, even the signal on those seems no better than when my dad had a car phone in 1988.

Where are the flying cars -

Fri, 06/06/2014 - 07:14 | 4829377 Calculus99
Calculus99's picture

Another good example is those lawn cutting robots, they look great on paper but then you realise that they're so stupid you have to take the time to bury a small wire all around the edge of your lawn so the mower knows where to stop. And in the UK they want about £2,000!

Sorry, but it's not too much to ask, after they put a man on the moon 45 years ago that for £2,000 you get a robot mower able to learn itself how to cut your lawn. This is a classic example of how far we haven't come when it comes to general tech.

At this current speed of development we'll all have to wait about 50 years to get a robot that can cook us a boiled egg in the morning, then we'll probably have to take a few days to teach it.

Kelly Johnson, a great American, is probably spinning in his grave at how useless the general tech industry is, unless he liked sending soon-to-detonate photos of his dick to strangers via snapchat, assuming the connection of his smartphoe doesn't breakup.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kelly_Johnson_%28engineer%29

Fri, 06/06/2014 - 07:57 | 4829420 AdvancingTime
AdvancingTime's picture

Fuck Amazon!  It is hard to see why Amazon has any fans when you consider how they abuse and exploit the brick and mortar stores that line streets throughout America. These are the stores that employ our family members, support little league teams in the community, and add value to our lives.

These stores build or lease space, buy supplies from the other local businesses, and pay both sales and real-estate taxes. While Amazon sends out the signal that their customers are smart, forward thinking, and upscale they exploit America and have an evil side, this is a side we should and must recognize. The article below delves into why I give Amazon two thumbs down.

http://brucewilds.blogspot.com/2013/10/amazon-not-answer.html

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!