Fact Or Fiction: Humanity Still Surprised That 'Megalomaniacal Pricks' Decide Everything

Tyler Durden's picture

Fact or Fiction...

Noting that it has had thousands of years to develop a more agreeable option, humankind expressed bewilderment this week that it has yet to devise a better alternative to governing itself than always letting power-hungry assholes run everything, sources worldwide reported.

Individuals in every country on earth voiced their frustration that, in spite of generations of mistreatment, neglect, and abuse they have suffered at the hands of those in positions of authority, they continue to allow control over the world’s governments, businesses, and virtually every other type of organization and social group to fall to the most megalomaniacal pricks among them.

“We’ve all seen what this system leads to, so you’d think that by now, someone, somewhere would have sat down and thought up another way to keep our societies functioning without giving all the power to arrogant, amoral dicks whose only concern is improving their own status,” said Mumbai software designer Ankan Rao, one of 7.1 billion humans who conveyed continued surprise that their species has so far proven incapable of formulating a method of governance that was even slightly more tolerable. “Everybody dislikes the people in charge and everybody knows they’re only serving their own personal agendas at the expense of everyone else, but we just keep allowing these jerks to make our decisions time and time again. And it’s not just here—it’s everywhere in the world.”

“Boy, maybe we shouldn’t do that anymore,” Rao added. “Anyone have any better ideas?”

Speaking with reporters, citizens across the planet unanimously expressed their bafflement at the consistency with which they either formally or informally select corrupt and self-obsessed sacks of shit for leadership roles in all facets of life, including positions atop corporate boards, judicial and legislative bodies, religious institutions, parent-teacher associations, the military, intramural softball teams, and international and national professional associations, as well as groups of friends deciding where to eat.

In addition, sources offered countless examples of the counterproductive and perplexing practice of entrusting power to the world’s least scrupulous individuals, ranging in scale from a domineering dictator who plunges his country into civil war in order to consolidate his power, to a Foot Locker shift manager who forces his subordinates to close up without him so that he can go home early.

Moreover, everyone across the planet acknowledged that the tradition of allowing an exploitative asshole to take charge of a given situation has been the principal system for group decision-making from the earliest formation of tribal societies to the present day, an admission that caused each member of the human race to either emit an exasperated sigh, shake his or her head, or mutter a profanity.

“My old boss, my sorority president, my congressional representative, my current boss—they’ve all been soulless, backstabbing dickheads whose only concern is getting what they want,” said administrative assistant Sheryl Gittens of Fort Worth, TX, who went on to list the bully back in her seventh grade class, her homeowners association president, and the coordinator of her Bible study group among the legions of selfish jagoffs who have inexplicably been granted commanding roles by the acquiescent masses. “What’s even more annoying is that we essentially reward these people for only thinking of themselves and repeatedly screwing us over. If you stop and think about it, that’s pretty messed up.”

“Jesus,” she continued. “What the hell’s wrong with us?”

Given the prevalence throughout history of compassionless, two-faced leaders whose lust for control and inflated self-importance have led to disastrous results for society at large, many individuals questioned if, going forward, they should instead try giving power to someone other than a greedy, self-serving bastard.

“Maybe we should try letting a kind, responsible person run things for a change,” Cairo resident Nathifa Bakhoum told reporters. “I, for one, don’t want to be told what to do by another narcissist who’s drunk on power and who has absolutely no regard for my well-being. It’s just a thought, but perhaps we could go with a good, decent human next time, or at least someone who’s not a completely egotistical pile of dogshit. That seems like a good thing to try at least once, right? Could we even do that? It’s probably worth a shot.”

When pressed for further comment, however, every member of humanity agreed that the current system, though deeply flawed, remains far better than one in which they actually have to make decisions for themselves.

Source: The Onion

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
thataintnothin's picture

The State is a Tragedy of the Commons

CPL's picture

And the end of a rope for the Elite.

svayambhu108's picture

OT :http://www.deathandtaxesmag.com/26903/did-bp-assassinate-this-man/

Did anyone else taught the same about that at the time?

Did BP used nukes to stop the spill ?

There was a rare one in 50 years earthquake the same night the spill stopped in Louisiana


Also convinietly there was also a storm that evacuated most of the people from the sea.


Anusocracy's picture

Didn't Arthur C. Clarke suggest to take all the people capable of leading, then eliminate those who wanted to be leaders and have a computer randomly select from those remaining?

svayambhu108's picture




3 August 2010 4 years ago 3.0 magnitude, 0 km depth (!!!!!! 0 km deep, smoking gun ) Zachary, Louisiana, United States
The only 0km deep earthquake in that area right when deep horizon spill  suddenly stoped.

commented this same at the time on LATOC forum with some caluclus on how much kilotons would have been neede but the forum then was closed and Matt Savinar went "crazy".
And why if they did not have killed Matthew Simmons he could have been vocal that a corporation detonated a nuke surpasing chain of command The forum closed and I didn't spoke about this since then. http://www.powerswitch.org.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?t=15701&postdays=0&pos... Can someone help traceback facts now, for the sake of truth?
See Colin storm here which gave an escuse to have the above water clear and detonate the nuke on stormy weather at night, next day no spill:


documentary about the spill http://thoughtmaybe.com/the-big-fix/

Matt's picture

The floor of the Gulf of Mexico is not the same material as where the Soviets closed a blown well with a nuke. The sea floor would fracture instead, since it is basically limestone and other sedimentary rock.

As well, there were live feed cameras of the leaks in the sea floor streaming on the Internet, someone would have probably seen something if a nuke was used.

When did that salt dome collapse in Luisianna? Or at least begin collpasing.

msmith9962's picture

That is a good idea.  I think only psycopaths aspire to the highest levels of office.  The best leaders feel it is an obligation of service and want to be done.  Politicians get off on the power and want more.

Dick Buttkiss's picture

"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office." — Aesop

The solution?  Get rid of public offices — i.e., don't just end the Federal Reserve; end the Federal Government — scattering the great thieves among the populace like the petty ones and reducing them to same.

Society can take it from there:


SWRichmond's picture

freedom isn't free...the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants, for that is its natutal manure.

Anusocracy's picture

The freedom that is needed is that of panarchism.

Those who abhor freedom and want government can live side by side with those who abhor government and want freedom.

It's time to treat government beliefs like religious beliefs.

Emergency Ward's picture

Something to ponder, but the Progressive NeoCon Church of Govt agenda does not include peaceful coexistence.  That is why its adherents are such strong proponents of the jackboot thug police state.

Harriet Wanger's picture

The Athenians did that 2,500 years ago. Except for the bit about the computer, that is. It's called sortition.

CPL's picture

Ever hear of the mysterious man of the declaration of independence?  The myth goes that on July 4, 1776, while sequestered behind locked doors, the Continental Congress of the 13 British Colonies (the Founding Fathers) were in hot debate on whether or not to sign the Declaration of Independence and break from Great Britain.

Most of the men feared for their lives and their family’s lives, for if they were to sign such a document, they would be traitors to the crown, and would almost certainly be put to death if found.

As these men were debating the issue, and leaning toward NOT signing, a mysterious man arises from out of nowhere. "Citing the grievances that had brought them to this moment he said,

'Sign that parchment. They may turn every tree into a gallows, every home into a grave and yet the words of that parchment can never die. For the mechanic in his workshop, they will be words of hope, to the slave in the mines—freedom.' And he added, 'If my hands were freezing in death, I would sign that parchment with my last ounce of strength. Sign, sign if the next moment the noose is around your neck, sign even if the hall is ringing with the sound of headman’s axe, for that parchment will be the textbook of freedom, the bible of the rights of man forever.'

And then it is said he fell back exhausted. But 56 delegates, swept by his eloquence, signed the Declaration of Independence, a document destined to be as immortal as any work of man can be. And according to the story, when they turned to thank him for his timely oratory, he could not be found nor were there any who knew who he was or how he had come in or gone out through the locked and guarded doors."

ZerOhead's picture

I'll bet somehow he made a fortune off of getting them to sign...

what's that smell's picture

now that fudge is funny!!!

and the only way the masses will stop the pricks is to organize...oh shit!

that communism! 

randroids win again.

Harbanger's picture

It's not a myth, it's true as recorded in Jeffersons writings.  It gives me a tear and a smile.

Spastica Rex's picture

I think he meant "myth" in the Joseph Campbell sense, which is accurate.

CH1's picture

it's true as recorded in Jeffersons writings.

Have any kind of reference?

Miggy's picture

Never heard that but extremely inspiring.

I too understand what the author is saying. It's just that those that crave power and to impose their will on others strive at being able to acquire those types of management positions. All the rest of us are happy going about our business with the attitude of live and let live. It's the human condition.


John 3:16

CPL's picture

You can either jump from the train and have faith you aren't going to kill yourself doing it and help others when they hit the ground.  Or be completely unsurprised that the line runs out of track at full speed.  Either way people have to make a choice.  The math in the situation is better off the train with the people smart enough to jump, tuck and roll.

pakled's picture

Yes. Life proves that if one does not make key choice, the choices are forced upon you at some point.


It may be a derivative of the 'unstoppable force hitting an immovable object' syndrome

CPL's picture

Naw, more like everything else in the 'developed world' (if there is such a thing). 

The political plan to travel at top speed on train built to run a 1000 miles when they only built 50 miles of track.  It's a reflection of how stupid everyone is for getting suckered into it.

Seek_Truth's picture

Ever heard of the mysterious man...?

"Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it."- Hebrews 13:2

Good quote, CPL.

CPL's picture

May the roof above us never fall in.
And may the friends gathered below it never fall out

Seek_Truth's picture

Good ole Irish wisdom, CPL!

Here's awee bit more:

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at who He gives it to!"

TeamDepends's picture

Ground Control to Major Tom:  You didn't do it again, did you?

what's that smell's picture

hot lead 1400 feet per second will cure the pricks of their dickheadedness.

screw face's picture


Who needs conspiracy theory when revealed is always stranger than fiction. Said in 1994!

LawsofPhysics's picture

Let me be clear.  Evolution does not work this way.

There is not, nor will there ever be a political or monetary solution to resource scarcity.

hedge accordingly.

(I am sure that the dodo birds thought they had a pretty good thing going for a while too)

Toxicosis's picture

Once again Laws of Physics please stop telling people the honest to goodness facts or truth, there may not be enough left for you and me if they actually start to critically think about silly things such as resource depletion and diminished eroei. 

buzzsaw99's picture

we had a kinder gentler president for awhile, it didn't work. [/sarc]

NoDebt's picture

Better than Nick Hanauer's rant anyway.

SheepDog-One's picture

Why? Humans are apes with 23 chromosomes, the other great apes have 24. We're actually the crazy hillbillies of the primates.....ponder that shit over the weekend.

what's that smell's picture

i think you made the sheep's point.

Seek_Truth's picture

For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God. - Romans 1:20

stant's picture

If dogs had opposable thumbs humans would be near extinction

Hugh G Rection's picture

Psychopaths will always run the show because they will lie, cheat, steal and kill to get what they want.

Cacete de Ouro's picture

Although this is The Onion, Wall Street and DC are full of corporate psychopaths, that bit is true. Fuck 'em!

Quus Ant's picture

we are presented with a marvelous opportunity.  As the state crumbles we ordinary, dust of the earth peons can enter the breach and claim our birthright: the planning, care, nurture, education- the righting- of our communities.  Government was never the people.  It served to strip us of our power in the guise of ease.  I was trimming some neighborhood trees when a man ran up to me and shouted he wasn't going to pick up any branches that were left behind.  It wasn't his "job".  Do your job.  Stay in your lane.  Nothing more.  Nothing less. After I broke the ice by explaining it wasn't my job either he proceeded to help me. 

As cities cut budgets don't sit back and watch them deteriorate.  A casual observer of your own demise.  Some will recede to bunkers, but who will enter the breach?

Shigure's picture

Great comment Quus Ant.

Yes, put your knowledge and understanding into action.


I overcame my fear of what people might think and invited all the people in my road to a street party recently. I was delighted by the positive response from everyone. I didn't even need to do much organising - I had so many offers of help and everyone did something towards it. It was as if they had been waiting for the spark to do this all along.

Previously, I have helped to set up a community orchard, run apple tree pruning days, juice pressing days, even an earth oven building weekend. All great fun.

Discover your power to do things.

Quus Ant's picture

cheers shigure. 

yes, let us work while the sun shines.   

DOGGONE's picture

The people are too stupid to realize this:
"The Public Be Suckered"

Flakmeister's picture

Kough, Kochs, Kough....

NemoDeNovo's picture

Wow I hope at some point they [kochs] finally pay you for all the space they seem to rent in your head, then you might be rich.  But let's add Uncle Warren, Suckerberg, Soros, Gates, et al to your list, I mean you don't want to descriminate do you?  Gotta include the 'lefty' billionaires or is it just team red you despise?

Flakmeister's picture

A pox on all billionaires, but some are clearly more despicable than others...

I don;t like the way they play the game....


kchrisc's picture

The guillotine is the cure for sociopaths, whether they be banksters, rentiers or their pol and crat puppets.

The Four Rs
Rejection: Quit paying, quit obeying, quit playing
Revolution: It is inevitable, so prepare, as they are.
Retribution: The guilty must answer for their crimes against the American people and the Constitution.
Restoration: Restore the American people, country and Constitutional republic.


Spectre's picture

The vast majority of voting American citizens are mainly stupid, if not just ignorant.  Things will never change.


We need something that starts with an "R", reset or revolution.