The Pentagon Has A Problem: "Vetting Moderate Al Qaeda Rebels Can Be Tough" - So Here Is A Simple Solution...

Tyler Durden's picture




 

When we reported yesterday that Obama had submitted yet another $500 million funding request to arm "moderate" Syrian rebels as opposed to extreme al-Qaeda cannibals and other ISIS faithful, we noted the glaring oversight at the heart of this plan when we asked "how will Obama make the distinction? Well, that's what polling is all about. To wit: "Excuse me, would you describe yourself as a moderate or extreme al-Qaeda jihadist. Answering affirmatively to the former assures you your own US-made Humvee and a few thousand bullets to shoot at US soldiers across the border in Iraq." Today, none other than the Pentagon's rear admiral John Kirby confirmed precisely these worries when he said, via Bloomberg:

  • KIRBY SAYS A LOT OF WORK NEEDED TO VET MODERATE SYRIAN REBELS
  • KIRBY SAYS CONCERNED ABOUT AID `ENDING UP IN THE WRONG HANDS'

While we share his sentiment (which we doubt is much of a concern to the US MIC as it will merely provide one set of US-made weapons to destroy another set of US-made weapons) we repeat that there is a very simple solution. It comes from Andy Borowitz, who appears to have read our mind, and is breathtakingly simple.

Presenting: The Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form

After announcing, on Thursday, that it would seek $500 million to help “train and equip appropriately vetted elements of the moderate Syrian armed opposition,” the White House today posted the following Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form:

Welcome to the United States’ Moderate Syrian Rebel Vetting Process. To see if you qualify for $500 million in American weapons, please choose an answer to the following questions:

As a Syrian rebel, I think the word or phrase that best describes me is:

A) Moderate
B) Very moderate
C) Crazy moderate
D) Other

I became a Syrian rebel because I believe in:

A) Truth
B) Justice
C) The American Way
D) Creating an Islamic caliphate

If I were given a highly lethal automatic weapon by the United States, I would:

A) Only kill exactly the people that the United States wanted me to kill
B) Try to kill the right people, with the caveat that I have never used an automatic weapon before
C) Kill people only after submitting them to a rigorous vetting process
D) Immediately let the weapon fall into the wrong hands

I have previously received weapons from:

A) Al Qaeda
B) The Taliban
C) North Korea
D) I did not receive weapons from any of them because after they vetted me I was deemed way too moderate

I consider ISIS:

A) An existential threat to Iraq
B) An existential threat to Syria
C) An existential threat to Iraq and Syria
D) The people who will pick up my American weapon after I drop it and run away

Complete the following sentence. “American weapons are…”

A) Always a good thing to randomly add to any international hot spot
B) Exactly what this raging civil war has been missing for the past three years
C) Best when used moderately
D) Super easy to resell online

Thank you for completing the Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form. We will process your application in the next one to two business days. Please indicate a current mailing address where you would like your weapons to be sent. If there is no one to sign for them we will leave them outside the front door.

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Fri, 06/27/2014 - 14:58 | 4903252 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

A simple background check should suffice.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:00 | 4903262 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Surely we can trust the moderate jihadists?

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:02 | 4903268 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

Only in moderation.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:12 | 4903316 cifo
cifo's picture

$500 million means at least $100 million profit for a hand of companies and individuals.

Why would it matter who gets the $500 million anyway?

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:13 | 4903317 Magnix
Magnix's picture

No, just nuke them and thats best solution!

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:30 | 4903402 Handful of Dust
Handful of Dust's picture

a "Moderate Terrist...."

 

BaaaWaaaHaaa.......

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:39 | 4903436 Cynicles
Cynicles's picture

Well, yeah, when compared to such outlandish & globally feared threats like those darned right wing extremists terrorist in America.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 16:04 | 4903533 ZerOhead
ZerOhead's picture

< Yes.

< No. Barry just doesn't have a clue what he is doing anymore.

By increasing the pressure on Syria from the "Moderates" is Barry intentionally trying to save ISIS in Iraq from Syrian air attack after leaving Al Maliki's Iraq with NO AIR DEFENCE capability? (Except 2 lousy Cessnas)

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/jun/26/nouri-maliki-admits-syria-a...

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 16:59 | 4903815 Slave
Slave's picture

I dunno. All I know is I'm gonna get drunk, smoke a cigar, eat some KFC, shoot some guns, and fuck my woman tonight.

...while I still can.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 17:32 | 4903933 Dugald
Dugald's picture

 

Now now, Moderation in all things......

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 00:10 | 4904832 Boris Alatovkrap
Boris Alatovkrap's picture

Amerika democratic dream... winning heart and mind of third world citizenry one bullet at time!

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 00:57 | 4904884 palmereldritch
palmereldritch's picture

Did McCain pass the background check?

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 12:00 | 4905388 0b1knob
0b1knob's picture

Would OBAMA pass the background test?????

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 18:39 | 4904127 Shigure
Shigure's picture

For the sake of your woman, I hope you brush your teeth before you get to the fifth one on your list

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 21:03 | 4904496 TheReplacement
TheReplacement's picture

Better to eff the KFC (very bad for you) and eat the woman.  Also, why would you shoot some guns?  What did they do to you?

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 19:41 | 4904311 Oldwood
Oldwood's picture

Given we do not require anyone to have any ID to vote in America, it is obviously down right racist to hold Syrian/Libyan/Iraqi "freedom fighter" to any standard before arming them.

Like fucking moderates are going to overwhelm extremists. Do we still know what it means to be extreme?

We have idiotic theorists running our government that completely ignore human nature much less human history.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 22:23 | 4904651 tony wilson
tony wilson's picture

magnix bitch if you nuke syria then you family in israhell die of radiation sickness.

we cannot allow any jewish babies to die at the hands of a us nuke that would be anti semetic.

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 00:35 | 4904862 Things that go bump
Things that go bump's picture

We can't just nuke them;  they're sitting on top of our oil.

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 09:34 | 4905186 mjcOH1
mjcOH1's picture

We can drill through glass.   We have the technology.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:37 | 4903422 Cynicles
Cynicles's picture

That was mederately funny.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 17:00 | 4903825 Stoploss
Stoploss's picture

#carpetbombtheirassuntilnothingmovesthencarpetbombtheirassagain

 

 

 

 

NOW, your ready to vet.

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 10:33 | 4905241 Antifaschistische
Antifaschistische's picture

You guys make this so difficult.

Take about $100k of that 50 million and have a giant Hawaiian Kalua Pork Luau complete with dancing Hawaiian girls.

If they show up, eat, drink and watch the girls...you know they aren't radical jihadists.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:06 | 4903300 Captain Willard
Captain Willard's picture

Exactly. These "Rebels" should have to follow the same rules we do in my state:

14-day waiting period and 10-round magazines only. And that's after the "background check"!

You cannot make stuff like this up. 

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 18:15 | 4904061 Freebird
Freebird's picture

Arming & fighting on US behalf, give them all a green card after.LOL.

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 00:58 | 4904882 Lore
Lore's picture

No joke.  There's a reason why thousands of Mexicans are being bussed in, and it has nothing to do with compassion.

Mon, 06/30/2014 - 11:58 | 4909743 SyriaL Stowlker
SyriaL Stowlker's picture

Sheet , why'n the Freek did I go through all the legal channels to get my G card , paid tons of taxes and waited 20 years to become a citizen . . . I coud've just joined the FSA Terrists and blown up a few innocent people and carved a few hearts out and butchered my way to gettin a free GreenCard and became a permanent Citizen / Resident and gotten paid for it to boot .

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:09 | 4903311 NOTW777
NOTW777's picture

insanity - cannot we not look at obama s miserable track record of arming and funding the enemy

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 19:37 | 4904292 radiobomb
radiobomb's picture

nobel manufactured dynamite/explosives, and used his fortune to start the 'nobel prize'.   so we have a double-paradox.... explosive manufacture-sponsored peace, given to a man who increased foreign conflicts... & he  isnt finished yet either.

logical if war=peace [or vice-versa], but lacking joined-up thinking yet again. unless it is a plan to perpetuate an unquantifiable enemy [MIC says 'merci', not 'mercy'].

FUBAR really.

 

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:49 | 4903505 Canadian Dirtlump
Canadian Dirtlump's picture

the problem is that what was a withering "moderate" force is long in the rearview mirror. Many have been given amnesty and are fighting with the national defense force. Many others are just bandits now. The only time the name FSA ( freshly sodomized ass holes ) is rolled out is when they want something from the west. There is no legitimate opposition militarily or politically. Just NATO's irregular army of jihadis.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 17:34 | 4903934 crazzziecanuck
crazzziecanuck's picture

An easier solution is to use a supersecret decoder ring.

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 00:34 | 4904860 Canadian Dirtlump
Canadian Dirtlump's picture

How much ovaltine can you drink?

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:00 | 4903259 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

+1 Would LOL again!

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:00 | 4903261 skree
skree's picture

This 'Aid" is bullshit. Obama wants to be able to say he 'did something' (with our money). Button up your shirt Obama, your heart's falling out. 

 

Bastard

 

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 01:32 | 4904890 Lore
Lore's picture

Yeah, really.  If we're only sending "advisors," what's the five hundred million dollars for - pizza delivery?

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:02 | 4903270 screw face
screw face's picture

fuck the French

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:04 | 4903284 magpie
magpie's picture

Fuck the Algerians, Filipinos, Armenians, Swedes and Lebanese. Fuck Team Blue.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:29 | 4903390 Freedumb
Freedumb's picture

Fuck the Micronesians.... god damn Micronesians

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:30 | 4903398 magpie
magpie's picture

Fuck the Rohingyas...Obama fucks them so we should fuck them too.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:32 | 4903408 Handful of Dust
Handful of Dust's picture

Fuck the Nobel Prize Committee......

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:42 | 4903452 screw face
screw face's picture

fuck the Olympic sighting committee...

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 16:53 | 4903794 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Fuck the Choate varsity cribbage team.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 21:06 | 4904503 TheReplacement
TheReplacement's picture

Y'all are gonna breed one extremely diverse but ugly generation with all those listed.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 16:20 | 4903669 mastersnark
mastersnark's picture

I also have many angers against them

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 18:44 | 4904137 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Micronesia, those would be mini angers.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:05 | 4903295 cossack55
cossack55's picture

Throw in the krauts and limeys too for an unforgettable menage a trois.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:39 | 4903438 screw face
screw face's picture

MOX me will ya........

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:41 | 4903450 Cynicles
Cynicles's picture

Hell yeah, she got big boobies!

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:04 | 4903281 JustObserving
JustObserving's picture

The 9/11 attacks in the US:

A) were done by Al Qaeda
B) Osama bin Laden personally told me he was not involved before he died on Dec 15 2001
C) were a CIA/Mossad plot to blame Muslims and kill them as Francesco Cossiga revealed
D) All wars in this world are started to benefit the US Military Industrial Complex (see my Twitter feed #FuckMIC)

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:22 | 4903364 Soda Popinski
Soda Popinski's picture

B, C, and D. 

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:25 | 4903376 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

Here's the skinny on the 9//11 attacks.

Pick one or more:

1) Complete and total ineptitude and failure by government.

2) Allowed to happen to serve the agendas of the elite.

3) Perpetrated by parts of the government to serve the agendas of the elites.

In ANY case, no need to prove one or the other, the pols, crats and elites should have been brought to the gallows. Instead they were rewarded with more power over us and more of our wealth.

The gallows still await their due.

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