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The Pentagon Has A Problem: "Vetting Moderate Al Qaeda Rebels Can Be Tough" - So Here Is A Simple Solution...

Tyler Durden's picture


When we reported yesterday that Obama had submitted yet another $500 million funding request to arm "moderate" Syrian rebels as opposed to extreme al-Qaeda cannibals and other ISIS faithful, we noted the glaring oversight at the heart of this plan when we asked "how will Obama make the distinction? Well, that's what polling is all about. To wit: "Excuse me, would you describe yourself as a moderate or extreme al-Qaeda jihadist. Answering affirmatively to the former assures you your own US-made Humvee and a few thousand bullets to shoot at US soldiers across the border in Iraq." Today, none other than the Pentagon's rear admiral John Kirby confirmed precisely these worries when he said, via Bloomberg:


While we share his sentiment (which we doubt is much of a concern to the US MIC as it will merely provide one set of US-made weapons to destroy another set of US-made weapons) we repeat that there is a very simple solution. It comes from Andy Borowitz, who appears to have read our mind, and is breathtakingly simple.

Presenting: The Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form

After announcing, on Thursday, that it would seek $500 million to help “train and equip appropriately vetted elements of the moderate Syrian armed opposition,” the White House today posted the following Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form:

Welcome to the United States’ Moderate Syrian Rebel Vetting Process. To see if you qualify for $500 million in American weapons, please choose an answer to the following questions:

As a Syrian rebel, I think the word or phrase that best describes me is:

A) Moderate
B) Very moderate
C) Crazy moderate
D) Other

I became a Syrian rebel because I believe in:

A) Truth
B) Justice
C) The American Way
D) Creating an Islamic caliphate

If I were given a highly lethal automatic weapon by the United States, I would:

A) Only kill exactly the people that the United States wanted me to kill
B) Try to kill the right people, with the caveat that I have never used an automatic weapon before
C) Kill people only after submitting them to a rigorous vetting process
D) Immediately let the weapon fall into the wrong hands

I have previously received weapons from:

A) Al Qaeda
B) The Taliban
C) North Korea
D) I did not receive weapons from any of them because after they vetted me I was deemed way too moderate

I consider ISIS:

A) An existential threat to Iraq
B) An existential threat to Syria
C) An existential threat to Iraq and Syria
D) The people who will pick up my American weapon after I drop it and run away

Complete the following sentence. “American weapons are…”

A) Always a good thing to randomly add to any international hot spot
B) Exactly what this raging civil war has been missing for the past three years
C) Best when used moderately
D) Super easy to resell online

Thank you for completing the Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form. We will process your application in the next one to two business days. Please indicate a current mailing address where you would like your weapons to be sent. If there is no one to sign for them we will leave them outside the front door.


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Fri, 06/27/2014 - 14:58 | 4903252 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

A simple background check should suffice.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:00 | 4903262 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Surely we can trust the moderate jihadists?

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:02 | 4903268 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

Only in moderation.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:12 | 4903316 cifo
cifo's picture

$500 million means at least $100 million profit for a hand of companies and individuals.

Why would it matter who gets the $500 million anyway?

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:13 | 4903317 Magnix
Magnix's picture

No, just nuke them and thats best solution!

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:30 | 4903402 Handful of Dust
Handful of Dust's picture

a "Moderate Terrist...."



Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:39 | 4903436 Cynicles
Cynicles's picture

Well, yeah, when compared to such outlandish & globally feared threats like those darned right wing extremists terrorist in America.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 16:04 | 4903533 ZerOhead
ZerOhead's picture

< Yes.

< No. Barry just doesn't have a clue what he is doing anymore.

By increasing the pressure on Syria from the "Moderates" is Barry intentionally trying to save ISIS in Iraq from Syrian air attack after leaving Al Maliki's Iraq with NO AIR DEFENCE capability? (Except 2 lousy Cessnas)

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 16:59 | 4903815 Slave
Slave's picture

I dunno. All I know is I'm gonna get drunk, smoke a cigar, eat some KFC, shoot some guns, and fuck my woman tonight.

...while I still can.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 17:32 | 4903933 Dugald
Dugald's picture


Now now, Moderation in all things......

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 00:10 | 4904832 Boris Alatovkrap
Boris Alatovkrap's picture

Amerika democratic dream... winning heart and mind of third world citizenry one bullet at time!

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 00:57 | 4904884 palmereldritch
palmereldritch's picture

Did McCain pass the background check?

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 12:00 | 4905388 0b1knob
0b1knob's picture

Would OBAMA pass the background test?????

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 18:39 | 4904127 Shigure
Shigure's picture

For the sake of your woman, I hope you brush your teeth before you get to the fifth one on your list

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 21:03 | 4904496 TheReplacement
TheReplacement's picture

Better to eff the KFC (very bad for you) and eat the woman.  Also, why would you shoot some guns?  What did they do to you?

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 19:41 | 4904311 Oldwood
Oldwood's picture

Given we do not require anyone to have any ID to vote in America, it is obviously down right racist to hold Syrian/Libyan/Iraqi "freedom fighter" to any standard before arming them.

Like fucking moderates are going to overwhelm extremists. Do we still know what it means to be extreme?

We have idiotic theorists running our government that completely ignore human nature much less human history.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 22:23 | 4904651 tony wilson
tony wilson's picture

magnix bitch if you nuke syria then you family in israhell die of radiation sickness.

we cannot allow any jewish babies to die at the hands of a us nuke that would be anti semetic.

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 00:35 | 4904862 Things that go bump
Things that go bump's picture

We can't just nuke them;  they're sitting on top of our oil.

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 09:34 | 4905186 mjcOH1
mjcOH1's picture

We can drill through glass.   We have the technology.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:37 | 4903422 Cynicles
Cynicles's picture

That was mederately funny.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 17:00 | 4903825 Stoploss
Stoploss's picture






NOW, your ready to vet.

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 10:33 | 4905241 Antifaschistische
Antifaschistische's picture

You guys make this so difficult.

Take about $100k of that 50 million and have a giant Hawaiian Kalua Pork Luau complete with dancing Hawaiian girls.

If they show up, eat, drink and watch the know they aren't radical jihadists.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:06 | 4903300 Captain Willard
Captain Willard's picture

Exactly. These "Rebels" should have to follow the same rules we do in my state:

14-day waiting period and 10-round magazines only. And that's after the "background check"!

You cannot make stuff like this up. 

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 18:15 | 4904061 Freebird
Freebird's picture

Arming & fighting on US behalf, give them all a green card after.LOL.

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 00:58 | 4904882 Lore
Lore's picture

No joke.  There's a reason why thousands of Mexicans are being bussed in, and it has nothing to do with compassion.

Mon, 06/30/2014 - 11:58 | 4909743 SyriaL Stowlker
SyriaL Stowlker's picture

Sheet , why'n the Freek did I go through all the legal channels to get my G card , paid tons of taxes and waited 20 years to become a citizen . . . I coud've just joined the FSA Terrists and blown up a few innocent people and carved a few hearts out and butchered my way to gettin a free GreenCard and became a permanent Citizen / Resident and gotten paid for it to boot .

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:09 | 4903311 NOTW777
NOTW777's picture

insanity - cannot we not look at obama s miserable track record of arming and funding the enemy

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 19:37 | 4904292 radiobomb
radiobomb's picture

nobel manufactured dynamite/explosives, and used his fortune to start the 'nobel prize'.   so we have a double-paradox.... explosive manufacture-sponsored peace, given to a man who increased foreign conflicts... & he  isnt finished yet either.

logical if war=peace [or vice-versa], but lacking joined-up thinking yet again. unless it is a plan to perpetuate an unquantifiable enemy [MIC says 'merci', not 'mercy'].

FUBAR really.


Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:49 | 4903505 Canadian Dirtlump
Canadian Dirtlump's picture

the problem is that what was a withering "moderate" force is long in the rearview mirror. Many have been given amnesty and are fighting with the national defense force. Many others are just bandits now. The only time the name FSA ( freshly sodomized ass holes ) is rolled out is when they want something from the west. There is no legitimate opposition militarily or politically. Just NATO's irregular army of jihadis.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 17:34 | 4903934 crazzziecanuck
crazzziecanuck's picture

An easier solution is to use a supersecret decoder ring.

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 00:34 | 4904860 Canadian Dirtlump
Canadian Dirtlump's picture

How much ovaltine can you drink?

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:00 | 4903259 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

+1 Would LOL again!

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:00 | 4903261 skree
skree's picture

This 'Aid" is bullshit. Obama wants to be able to say he 'did something' (with our money). Button up your shirt Obama, your heart's falling out. 




Sat, 06/28/2014 - 01:32 | 4904890 Lore
Lore's picture

Yeah, really.  If we're only sending "advisors," what's the five hundred million dollars for - pizza delivery?

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:02 | 4903270 screw face
screw face's picture

fuck the French

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:04 | 4903284 magpie
magpie's picture

Fuck the Algerians, Filipinos, Armenians, Swedes and Lebanese. Fuck Team Blue.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:29 | 4903390 Freedumb
Freedumb's picture

Fuck the Micronesians.... god damn Micronesians

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:30 | 4903398 magpie
magpie's picture

Fuck the Rohingyas...Obama fucks them so we should fuck them too.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:32 | 4903408 Handful of Dust
Handful of Dust's picture

Fuck the Nobel Prize Committee......

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:42 | 4903452 screw face
screw face's picture

fuck the Olympic sighting committee...

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 16:53 | 4903794 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Fuck the Choate varsity cribbage team.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 21:06 | 4904503 TheReplacement
TheReplacement's picture

Y'all are gonna breed one extremely diverse but ugly generation with all those listed.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 16:20 | 4903669 mastersnark
mastersnark's picture

I also have many angers against them

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 18:44 | 4904137 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Micronesia, those would be mini angers.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:05 | 4903295 cossack55
cossack55's picture

Throw in the krauts and limeys too for an unforgettable menage a trois.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:39 | 4903438 screw face
screw face's picture

MOX me will ya........

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:41 | 4903450 Cynicles
Cynicles's picture

Hell yeah, she got big boobies!

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:04 | 4903281 JustObserving
JustObserving's picture

The 9/11 attacks in the US:

A) were done by Al Qaeda
B) Osama bin Laden personally told me he was not involved before he died on Dec 15 2001
C) were a CIA/Mossad plot to blame Muslims and kill them as Francesco Cossiga revealed
D) All wars in this world are started to benefit the US Military Industrial Complex (see my Twitter feed #FuckMIC)

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:22 | 4903364 Soda Popinski
Soda Popinski's picture

B, C, and D. 

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:25 | 4903376 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

Here's the skinny on the 9//11 attacks.

Pick one or more:

1) Complete and total ineptitude and failure by government.

2) Allowed to happen to serve the agendas of the elite.

3) Perpetrated by parts of the government to serve the agendas of the elites.

In ANY case, no need to prove one or the other, the pols, crats and elites should have been brought to the gallows. Instead they were rewarded with more power over us and more of our wealth.

The gallows still await their due.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 17:40 | 4903958 Dugald
Dugald's picture


The gallows still await their due....

It has been reported that the USA has stockpiles of Knitting Needles ready for instant deployment.....

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 00:43 | 4904868 Things that go bump
Things that go bump's picture

I can knit.

Madame Defarge.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 21:42 | 4904590 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Should I send ya some sharpening instructions for yer Guillotine?

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 22:43 | 4904684 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

The blade of a guillotine is best sharpened once, oiled and then left alone except for an occasional oiling.

The blade of a guillotine should be only sharpened immediately before use to prevent corrosion.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 23:21 | 4904755 object_orient
object_orient's picture

See, this is what happens when axe-slinging executioners join a union and demand wage increases. They lose their good paying, middle class jobs to cutting edge technology.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:43 | 4903458 sodbuster
sodbuster's picture

Shoot! I thought MIC stood for- ''Muslim in Command"- thanks for the heads up.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:04 | 4903282 Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

Getting my CCW permit was such a pain in the ass, and I can't even use it to carry a full auto weapon. Never mind the fact that a full auto M-16 costs around $15K. Why the fuck didn't I just become a Syrian rebel? All you have to do is say you are "moderate", and then Uncle Sam fucking GIVES you a full auto AK!!!!!

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:08 | 4903304 cossack55
cossack55's picture

I'm a RPG/SA-7 kindaguy myself.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 23:53 | 4904810 Estrella
Estrella's picture

SA-7's couldn't hit C-130s in Nam. They have not gotten any better in the last half century. Try something else.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:05 | 4903287 astoriajoe
astoriajoe's picture

pinky promises.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:06 | 4903297 Cannon Fodder
Cannon Fodder's picture

Maybe they could run a credit check on them, or look at their credit card purchase behavior, ask for references from their linkedin connections...or maybe ask to be friended on facebook.... lots of ways to vet them... /sarc

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:42 | 4903451 DullKnife
DullKnife's picture

Or vet them by looking at their reviews on Yelp.

BTW, Yelp is a worthless place to comment on groups/businesses/etc.

Or to get recommendations on.

I did two mildly critical reviews of two local schools via their respective Yelp sites.

Basically I praised them but mentioned a couple areas they were weak on and could improve.

What happened?

My reviews were tossed as being inappropriate reviews.

My reviews were clean, polite, complementary but pointed out a couple areas for improvement.

So seems Yelp pulled them at request of the schools.

Yelp impartial?    Yeah, right, uh huh,.....


Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:06 | 4903298 madcows
madcows's picture

Instead of vetting some new ones, why don't they just pay to transport the Libyan brigade to Syria.  It's gotta be cheaper than equipping all new nutters.  And, besides, Running guns to the Libyans worked out so well.  They killed their intended targets very effectively.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:45 | 4903468 Cynicles
Cynicles's picture


There is no price on fiat currency. Maybe, just maybe if you were posting on HufPo or some chit joint like that, but...come on man, look around.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:15 | 4903329 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

As a Syrian rebel, I think the word or phrase that best describes me is:

A) Death to America

B) Allahu Akbar death to infidels

C) Your mother is a pig

D) Other

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:20 | 4903354 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

E)  Your sister is hot, and therefore should surrender herself (god willing) to the cause.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:22 | 4903362 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

F) execute all those who do not heed the words of the prophet

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:26 | 4903379 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

E) Allahu Akbar CIA.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 17:06 | 4903843 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

Hey, keep Alan Hu's Snackbar out of this!

p.s. I thought Alan Hu was a Chinaman, not a mantra for terra-rists.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:15 | 4903331 augustusgloop
augustusgloop's picture

Vet them by getting some special forces commando to play goat's bladder polo with prospects.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:19 | 4903333 all-priced-in
all-priced-in's picture

Make them fill out a 4473.

Make them wait 3 days

Limit magazine capacity to 10 rounds

Limit to one gun a month

Works for Chicago.




Fri, 06/27/2014 - 22:36 | 4904673 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

Have relative acquire them. Then pick them up on next visit. Add to the "garden arsenal." Go out back and do maintenance on the guillotine.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:16 | 4903337 NOTaREALmerican
NOTaREALmerican's picture


Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:16 | 4903338 NYPoke
NYPoke's picture

"So Here Is A Simple Solution..."  Shoot 'em.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 17:46 | 4903978 Dugald
Dugald's picture


Right in their moderatly black hearts......

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:16 | 4903339 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

The CIA's 'terrorist' buddies got $400million, a monthly revenue source from oil and lots of hardware from northern Iraq. Then the Pentagon is trying to fund their more 'moderate' 'terrorists' directly in an attempt to maintain their guy, Assad, in power against Israel and the CIA. And the CIA’s guy, the head of the DC US military, is in the Oval Office.

Pass the popcorn and 'big-ass' coke, this is about to get more interesting, and unfortunately more tragic for the Syrians.

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 01:30 | 4904917 Lore
Lore's picture

Everybody is someone's bitch. The level of FEAR in some quarters must be amazing. 

Closed Circuit (2013)

Torn Curtain (1966)

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 11:56 | 4905379 Burticus
Burticus's picture

Bushbama regime:  "I'll see your 400 million (stolen from the Iraq central bank) and raise you 100 million (printed by the the United State_ central bank)."

You just can't make this $#!+up.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:17 | 4903341 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

Do the same thing they did with those pallets of clownbux. Just drop them off and then fuck it, who cares.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:18 | 4903347 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

This has got to be an Onion piece.  no way the taxpayer is paying stuffed shirts in D.C. to "vet which gang member to arm in Iraq".

If not, another level of fucked has been acheived.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:28 | 4903386 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Luckily for said stuffed shirts, there's always Blackwater.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:20 | 4903356 Notsobadwlad
Notsobadwlad's picture

The Pentagon's mission would be a lot clearer if they dropped a couple of nukes on the various NDA headquarters, CIA headquarters, Basel Switzerland, the City of London and Tel Aviv.

Once their psychotic bosses  are out of the way, then they can start to sort things out for real... and cleaning up the lesser trash as they go.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:29 | 4903393 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

I take it you've never been to the Pentagon?

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:30 | 4903401 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

"The Pentagon's mission would be a lot clearer if they dropped a couple of nukes on the various NDA headquarters, CIA headquarters, Basel Switzerland, the City of London and Tel Aviv."

Which is precisely why CIA-Obama and his handlers have been switching out the top leadership in the DC US military, and why the purge has been most concentrated in the strategic arms, nuke, areas.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:31 | 4903404 Black Forest
Black Forest's picture

Basel Switzerland

No, please!

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:29 | 4903384 ThroxxOfVron
ThroxxOfVron's picture

Don't bother going into the ACA, er, the  ISUSA help center; it's much much faster to just fill out the form online.

I can't believe that even with my pre-existing conditions and poor hygene I qualified for a fully armed blackhawk with missles and a mounted machinegun!   -They even through in night goggles and a leatherman MOC !!!!


Oh yeah oh yeah this is ALL I'm watching until FedEx rings the bell:

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:48 | 4903392 Mercury
Mercury's picture

Is there a Moderate U.S. President Application Form?


When I become the nation's chief executive I would like to:

A) Flood the country with third world peasants

B) Destroy the US economy via Federal Reserve market manipulation and money printing

C) Turn a badly organized but extremely capable medical care system into a total disaster

D) Push crony capitalism and government tyrany into overdrive

E) All of the above


Fri, 06/27/2014 - 19:19 | 4904245 radiobomb
radiobomb's picture

err, mercury - you forgot a few....

F)  having received the nobel peace prize, start more armed conflicts/wars/never-ending military campaigns.

G) reverse all election promises

H) deny knowledge of NSA mission-creep

I) play golf.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:30 | 4903394 Freebird
Freebird's picture

Wot no camels?

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:44 | 4903449 ZerOhead
ZerOhead's picture

So we are going to help our allies the "Syrian moderates" with $500mm of weapons to attack and bring down the Syrian government of Assad who is currently launching air attacks in Western Iraq against our sworn Al Qaeda /ISIS/ISIL enemies.

How exactly does that help the Iraq/ISIS crisis?

Why don't we just give Assad the $500mm to get rid of ISIS in Iraq first so there are no extremists left to fight our "moderates" in Syria so they can finally get rid of our enemy Assad?

This is getting stupider and stupider by the day...

(Unless of course Barry and his neocons really want ISIS to break up Iraq and resent the Syrian attacks on our ISIS allies...)

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:55 | 4903541 mastersnark
mastersnark's picture

You just don't understand the complexity of international diplomacy. Sometimes you have to kill a man to save him from death, doncha know?

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 22:58 | 4904707 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Ever hear of Milo Minderbinder?

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:47 | 4903490 mastersnark
mastersnark's picture

So I have to move to Syria to fully enjoy the Second Amendment? I guess this is that multiculturalism I've been hearing about.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:47 | 4903493 taketheredpill
taketheredpill's picture



Go to their LINKEDIN profile.


Are they a member of the ISIS LinkedIn affiliation?




They're OK.


Dear U.S. Military.  You're Welcome.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:51 | 4903524 the wet spot
the wet spot's picture

Don't forget their Facebook!  Any signs of "Death to America" or "Death to The Great Satan"?!  No?  YOU'RE CLEARED.  Here's your weapon.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 15:50 | 4903514 RazvanM
RazvanM's picture

Maybe the more efficient way would be to use brokers and intermediaries for the vetting process. Externalize the weapons distribution service!

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 16:02 | 4903577 Bennie Noakes
Bennie Noakes's picture

Even they are able to identify the dozen or so people in the region who don't absolutely hate the US, what is to prevent them from selling the weapons to their neighbors who do?

Probably a lot of the US-made weaponry that ISIS was showing off a few days ago was purchased, not captured from the Iraqi army.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 16:07 | 4903578 pcrs
pcrs's picture

A good background check before you get your AR-15

I got an Obama phone

I got an Obama gun

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 16:02 | 4903580 Duc888
Duc888's picture



"Moderate Al-CIA-Dugh".


The jokes just write themselves.



Fri, 06/27/2014 - 16:03 | 4903583 Drop out
Drop out's picture

We have to encourage everyone to use our products so we can sell more. If we only arm one side, the other side may run away. If we arm both sides they fight it out and we more than double our sales! I'm not sure why people should have to choose sides. Everyone should be able to get in on some action.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 16:15 | 4903643 ThirteenthFloor
ThirteenthFloor's picture

Be careful...the terrorist maybe a "closet moderate".

Better just to buy 500 million in common stock of weapons firms directly.  Anyone else feel like this is some weird nightmare, lets give 500 million to the white rabbit with the gold watch next.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 16:42 | 4903747 bugs_
bugs_'s picture

simpler solution:


Your pals, uh, they're not bad people. Maybe we, uh, outta give them a couple of days to think it over.
Grease 'em now? Well, OK. You are a vicious bastard Rotelli, and, uh, I'm glad you're dead!

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 17:10 | 4903851 Satan
Satan's picture

I'm starting a new terrorist organization.

Algoldiloxia. Not too hot, not too cold.

We hate you for your freedoms just a little bit less than the other guys.

We will bomb you only in moderation!

Our martyrs only receive 6 virgins in heaven!

Send guns now please.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 17:12 | 4903855 are we there yet
are we there yet's picture

Civilian Combatants filled with hate, fear, mercinary profit, religious delusions, ideology, tribal loyality, revenge, etc. are, by definition, never going to be moderate when you hand them military weapons.   Imagine supporting 'moderate samali pirates, moderate jihadists, moderate alquida, moderate raping, etc.   America can not fix the bat crazy muslum culture that is based on frozen crap from a thousand years ago.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 17:16 | 4903883 smacker
smacker's picture

Hilarious :-)

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 17:41 | 4903951 Salt
Salt's picture

Only one question is necessary:


The answer you provide is the same as we will give you. Do you believe in Global Climate Change and the immediate (urgent) need to address it?


(If you answered yes you will shortly receive a welcome letter from ALGORE along with your new weapon)

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 17:43 | 4903968 Freebird
Freebird's picture

On a lighter note as one pretty goat asked to another: "whose Bedouin tonight?"


Fri, 06/27/2014 - 17:48 | 4903983 earleflorida
earleflorida's picture

ya know... this kirby guy is gonna be outta a job-- to think he has the audacity to hold american troops livelihood as his personal responsibility to serve and protect those (our sons and daughters) troops, and not to be wasted!

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 17:52 | 4904000 WTFUD
WTFUD's picture

A rocket propelled grenade comes flying through your window

Do you ?

a) Throw yourself on it saving your family
b) Throw your mother-in-law on it; thus saving the hundreds of man hours invested in you at the ciaDuh training camps in Jordan and turkey

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 01:16 | 4904886 nostromo17
nostromo17's picture


Sat, 06/28/2014 - 01:23 | 4904887 nostromo17
nostromo17's picture

You hang out with your potentially drone targeted terrorist kin yet your neighbors and the U.N. are shocked when you die along with them in a missle strike.

(And really isn't killing a couple of generations at a time sound political theory and cost effective war economics.)

(Oh yah I forgot, letting them all kill each other is the cheapest way to go....-sorry.)

(THough it may be worth testing if bee killing insecticides really don't harm mammals....and spray the whole middle east repeatedly)

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 18:17 | 4904068 QQQBall
QQQBall's picture

If you give $500MM to the wrong people first, you will have to counter with $750MM for the other side. win-win for the MIC.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 18:39 | 4904125 Amagnonx
Amagnonx's picture

We should arm moderate Jihadists to extreme - this is balance - Allah akbar - eating liver only couple days a week, not more, or offense to Allah.


ZH excels again, only on ZH can we laugh while our sense of outrage fills us with the need to choke the living sht out of some piece of crap like John Kerry - yet we weep tears of frustration and laugh with hoarse dispair while we choke our Pokemon toy to death and drown it in the toilet, with Hillary Clinton scrawled across its twisted features.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 18:52 | 4904156 Kalevi
Kalevi's picture

I remember the good old days when the US visa form asked if I was or ever been member of a communist organisation.

It's just so compicated now, how the hell one should know if he is or not a acceptable terrorist?

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 18:52 | 4904160 Karaio
Karaio's picture

You want a gun for what reason:

a) there is no water;

b) have no money;

c) I love my religion;

d) must practice shooting;

e) like the noise;

f) I do not know, tell me where to shoot.


Fri, 06/27/2014 - 18:59 | 4904175 Cthonic
Cthonic's picture

You want Syria, Uncle Sam?  Please forward the half billion dollar down payment per our discussion and sign the attached guarantee on our pending $5B, 15yr balloon loan from QDB.  If time is of the essense, please fast track our DoDTC Cat II through XXIII equipment export license applications and supply us with seven (7) C-130 aircraft and associated crew support.

Your trustworthy & moderate contractor,


Fri, 06/27/2014 - 19:01 | 4904190 jez
jez's picture

Sign check and die, infidel scum!

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 20:44 | 4904454 californiagirl
californiagirl's picture

It is still too complicated. Homeland Security seems to have simplified it.  If you are not in law enforcement and you own a gun, you must be a terrorist.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 21:05 | 4904500 pathetic looser
pathetic looser's picture

da fuck is a moderate al qaeda?  when they eat just one kidney instead of two or smth ?

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 22:55 | 4904699 Aussiekiwi
Aussiekiwi's picture

Should be OK to arm the moderate ones, after all lying is a sin, so we will be able to trust their good intentions, I can't see any problems with giving moderate terrorists access to US weapons and ammunition, providing it is in a good cause.

Fri, 06/27/2014 - 23:37 | 4904783 gregga777
gregga777's picture

Question No. 1: How many madrasahs, excluding the madrasah that Barry Soetero attended in Indonesia, accept Christian students?

Answer No. 1: Zero. The madrasah that Barry Soetero attended in Indonesia accepted only Islamic students.

Question No. 2: Lolo Soetero adopted Barry, and Barry became Barry Soetero, an Indonesian citizen and a Muslim. Indonesia doesn't allow dual citizenship and Barry renounced his U. S. Citizenship. When did Barry convert from Islam back to Christian and renounce his Indonesian citizenship, regaining his U. S. Citizenship?

Answer No. 2: Barry did not renounce his Indonesian citizenship and is hence, still an Indonesian citizen. The penalty for conversion from Islam to any other religion is death. Barry is still alive so the conclusion should be obvious.

Question No. 3: That weaponized LSD Barry and John (Kerry) are taking is giving them way too much fun thinking up this crazy crap! Where can I get my share? What's the price in thousand dose lots?

I'm waiting for Answer No. 3!

/s/ Kim Jong Il

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 01:09 | 4904844 nostromo17
nostromo17's picture

More moderate vetting questions,

Pick One of the choices,

If you make cartoons about Mohammed...I have the right to kill you or I don't have the right to kill you.

I believe marital issues are best solved by stoning the woman involved or by stoning no one or possibly just getting stoned.

Honour killings are fun to attend and I like to help or honour killings have no place in the world.

Islam is the only true religion and everyone else will and must die or Shit there is no 'or'.

Its more important to spend a thousand or more years fighting with Jews (and Jews with Arabs) and Shiite Against Sunnis and those against Christians or we should just move on and buy some decent housing and toilets for our masses of poor ignorant people and throw out the imperialist oil companies.

We would like to return to the Middle Ages and wage war against Christianity or the history shows and I accept we were driven out of Europe and lost for a reason and the world was better for it.

I drank beer in college but when I got married I now regard all beer drinkers as heathen scum or I don't care what you drink its none of my business.

I believe as a martyr I will receive some kind of virgin of my preference male or female upon admittance to martyr heaven or there is no fucking martyr heaven, asshole.

My religion was invented when most of our precursors rode camels and such and it fits perfectly into the few hundred years of its new kid on the block religion existence or Perhaps tribal religions really don't mesh with most of the rest of the modern world and need some updating to retain what is good in the religion and lose what is now barbaric by even minimalist ethical standards in a post tribal post animal herding world. 

I believe in Jihad and Jihad is central to Islam or I am a lying panderer to political correctness and Jihad is really just a minor peripheral theme in the Koran of no particular importance.

I and everyone I know has always wanted to establish a Caliphate or Caliphate schmalliphate.

I love hanging out with the guys in caves in tents on the front because I have more regular sex that way or waging manly war against remotely controlled flying robots operated by people drinking chocamocas doesn't real appeal to me.

Beheading someone gives me an erection or I prefer killing someone from a safe place as far from blood as possible while watching American Idol.








Sat, 06/28/2014 - 04:20 | 4905005 Kiwi Pete
Kiwi Pete's picture

And they must promise not to shoot down any drones. 

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 09:04 | 4905168 d edwards
d edwards's picture

Funny questionaire!


BUT-is 0bamao completely crazy or just moderately insane to want to send these "people" $500 million (again!) in weapons, support, whatever.


Everywhere in then ME where he's stuck his nose in is now in chaos-Egypt, Lybia, Syria and coming back around to Iraq.

BTW did they use this questionaire to decide which five terrorists to let out of Gitmo?

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 08:54 | 4905161 3rd Pig
3rd Pig's picture


Can you hear it?

The whole western world is screaming for Barry’s impeachment.

It was never going to end well or the first black president of the USA.

Maybe the first woman will have more luck?

When the MSM turns on the pres like this – its goodnight Irene – I give him a week.


Sat, 06/28/2014 - 08:57 | 4905163 spanish inquisition
spanish inquisition's picture

Isn't everyone pretty well up to speed on the American playbook? We will work to overthrow any elected government or dictatorship that will not play ball with the US. If we can't take you over now, we will try to fuck it up for 10 years so no one else can move in. I am beginning to think, the CIA is supporting, on some level,  every podunk wannabe group in case they turn out to be useful down the road.

Next up: funding, arming and training "moderate" Kurds to fight in Syria. Will they turn around and secure their homeland in Iraq and maybe look north to Turkey?


Sat, 06/28/2014 - 10:43 | 4905261 americanspirit
americanspirit's picture

Spanish Inquisition - you're right about the Kurds except that the process is already well along. The Kurds now have a de facto united state and an army that is both first class guerilla fighters and civil administrators. It is inevitable that Iragi Kurds and Turkish Kurds try to unite and secede from their respective states, while no doubt fighting a war with Turkey. And Turkey is a NATO ally. Could be a real mess.

Sat, 06/28/2014 - 09:01 | 4905166 RaceToTheBottom
RaceToTheBottom's picture

I thought you had to be a terrorist to get guns from the US powers that be?

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