The Pentagon Has A Problem: "Vetting Moderate Al Qaeda Rebels Can Be Tough" - So Here Is A Simple Solution...

Tyler Durden's picture

When we reported yesterday that Obama had submitted yet another $500 million funding request to arm "moderate" Syrian rebels as opposed to extreme al-Qaeda cannibals and other ISIS faithful, we noted the glaring oversight at the heart of this plan when we asked "how will Obama make the distinction? Well, that's what polling is all about. To wit: "Excuse me, would you describe yourself as a moderate or extreme al-Qaeda jihadist. Answering affirmatively to the former assures you your own US-made Humvee and a few thousand bullets to shoot at US soldiers across the border in Iraq." Today, none other than the Pentagon's rear admiral John Kirby confirmed precisely these worries when he said, via Bloomberg:


While we share his sentiment (which we doubt is much of a concern to the US MIC as it will merely provide one set of US-made weapons to destroy another set of US-made weapons) we repeat that there is a very simple solution. It comes from Andy Borowitz, who appears to have read our mind, and is breathtakingly simple.

Presenting: The Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form

After announcing, on Thursday, that it would seek $500 million to help “train and equip appropriately vetted elements of the moderate Syrian armed opposition,” the White House today posted the following Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form:

Welcome to the United States’ Moderate Syrian Rebel Vetting Process. To see if you qualify for $500 million in American weapons, please choose an answer to the following questions:

As a Syrian rebel, I think the word or phrase that best describes me is:

A) Moderate
B) Very moderate
C) Crazy moderate
D) Other

I became a Syrian rebel because I believe in:

A) Truth
B) Justice
C) The American Way
D) Creating an Islamic caliphate

If I were given a highly lethal automatic weapon by the United States, I would:

A) Only kill exactly the people that the United States wanted me to kill
B) Try to kill the right people, with the caveat that I have never used an automatic weapon before
C) Kill people only after submitting them to a rigorous vetting process
D) Immediately let the weapon fall into the wrong hands

I have previously received weapons from:

A) Al Qaeda
B) The Taliban
C) North Korea
D) I did not receive weapons from any of them because after they vetted me I was deemed way too moderate

I consider ISIS:

A) An existential threat to Iraq
B) An existential threat to Syria
C) An existential threat to Iraq and Syria
D) The people who will pick up my American weapon after I drop it and run away

Complete the following sentence. “American weapons are…”

A) Always a good thing to randomly add to any international hot spot
B) Exactly what this raging civil war has been missing for the past three years
C) Best when used moderately
D) Super easy to resell online

Thank you for completing the Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form. We will process your application in the next one to two business days. Please indicate a current mailing address where you would like your weapons to be sent. If there is no one to sign for them we will leave them outside the front door.

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TeamDepends's picture

A simple background check should suffice.

NotApplicable's picture

Surely we can trust the moderate jihadists?

cifo's picture

$500 million means at least $100 million profit for a hand of companies and individuals.

Why would it matter who gets the $500 million anyway?

Magnix's picture

No, just nuke them and thats best solution!

Handful of Dust's picture

a "Moderate Terrist...."



Cynicles's picture

Well, yeah, when compared to such outlandish & globally feared threats like those darned right wing extremists terrorist in America.

ZerOhead's picture

< Yes.

< No. Barry just doesn't have a clue what he is doing anymore.

By increasing the pressure on Syria from the "Moderates" is Barry intentionally trying to save ISIS in Iraq from Syrian air attack after leaving Al Maliki's Iraq with NO AIR DEFENCE capability? (Except 2 lousy Cessnas)

Slave's picture

I dunno. All I know is I'm gonna get drunk, smoke a cigar, eat some KFC, shoot some guns, and fuck my woman tonight.

...while I still can.

Dugald's picture


Now now, Moderation in all things......

Boris Alatovkrap's picture

Amerika democratic dream... winning heart and mind of third world citizenry one bullet at time!

palmereldritch's picture

Did McCain pass the background check?

0b1knob's picture

Would OBAMA pass the background test?????

Shigure's picture

For the sake of your woman, I hope you brush your teeth before you get to the fifth one on your list

TheReplacement's picture

Better to eff the KFC (very bad for you) and eat the woman.  Also, why would you shoot some guns?  What did they do to you?

Oldwood's picture

Given we do not require anyone to have any ID to vote in America, it is obviously down right racist to hold Syrian/Libyan/Iraqi "freedom fighter" to any standard before arming them.

Like fucking moderates are going to overwhelm extremists. Do we still know what it means to be extreme?

We have idiotic theorists running our government that completely ignore human nature much less human history.

tony wilson's picture

magnix bitch if you nuke syria then you family in israhell die of radiation sickness.

we cannot allow any jewish babies to die at the hands of a us nuke that would be anti semetic.

Things that go bump's picture

We can't just nuke them;  they're sitting on top of our oil.

mjcOH1's picture

We can drill through glass.   We have the technology.

Cynicles's picture

That was mederately funny.

Stoploss's picture






NOW, your ready to vet.

Antifaschistische's picture

You guys make this so difficult.

Take about $100k of that 50 million and have a giant Hawaiian Kalua Pork Luau complete with dancing Hawaiian girls.

If they show up, eat, drink and watch the know they aren't radical jihadists.

Captain Willard's picture

Exactly. These "Rebels" should have to follow the same rules we do in my state:

14-day waiting period and 10-round magazines only. And that's after the "background check"!

You cannot make stuff like this up. 

Freebird's picture

Arming & fighting on US behalf, give them all a green card after.LOL.

Lore's picture

No joke.  There's a reason why thousands of Mexicans are being bussed in, and it has nothing to do with compassion.

SyriaL Stowlker's picture

Sheet , why'n the Freek did I go through all the legal channels to get my G card , paid tons of taxes and waited 20 years to become a citizen . . . I coud've just joined the FSA Terrists and blown up a few innocent people and carved a few hearts out and butchered my way to gettin a free GreenCard and became a permanent Citizen / Resident and gotten paid for it to boot .

NOTW777's picture

insanity - cannot we not look at obama s miserable track record of arming and funding the enemy

radiobomb's picture

nobel manufactured dynamite/explosives, and used his fortune to start the 'nobel prize'.   so we have a double-paradox.... explosive manufacture-sponsored peace, given to a man who increased foreign conflicts... & he  isnt finished yet either.

logical if war=peace [or vice-versa], but lacking joined-up thinking yet again. unless it is a plan to perpetuate an unquantifiable enemy [MIC says 'merci', not 'mercy'].

FUBAR really.


Canadian Dirtlump's picture

the problem is that what was a withering "moderate" force is long in the rearview mirror. Many have been given amnesty and are fighting with the national defense force. Many others are just bandits now. The only time the name FSA ( freshly sodomized ass holes ) is rolled out is when they want something from the west. There is no legitimate opposition militarily or politically. Just NATO's irregular army of jihadis.

crazzziecanuck's picture

An easier solution is to use a supersecret decoder ring.

NotApplicable's picture

+1 Would LOL again!

skree's picture

This 'Aid" is bullshit. Obama wants to be able to say he 'did something' (with our money). Button up your shirt Obama, your heart's falling out. 




Lore's picture

Yeah, really.  If we're only sending "advisors," what's the five hundred million dollars for - pizza delivery?

magpie's picture

Fuck the Algerians, Filipinos, Armenians, Swedes and Lebanese. Fuck Team Blue.

Freedumb's picture

Fuck the Micronesians.... god damn Micronesians

magpie's picture

Fuck the Rohingyas...Obama fucks them so we should fuck them too.

Handful of Dust's picture

Fuck the Nobel Prize Committee......

screw face's picture

fuck the Olympic sighting committee...

TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Fuck the Choate varsity cribbage team.

TheReplacement's picture

Y'all are gonna breed one extremely diverse but ugly generation with all those listed.

mastersnark's picture

I also have many angers against them

MsCreant's picture

Micronesia, those would be mini angers.

cossack55's picture

Throw in the krauts and limeys too for an unforgettable menage a trois.

Cynicles's picture

Hell yeah, she got big boobies!

JustObserving's picture

The 9/11 attacks in the US:

A) were done by Al Qaeda
B) Osama bin Laden personally told me he was not involved before he died on Dec 15 2001
C) were a CIA/Mossad plot to blame Muslims and kill them as Francesco Cossiga revealed
D) All wars in this world are started to benefit the US Military Industrial Complex (see my Twitter feed #FuckMIC)

kchrisc's picture

Here's the skinny on the 9//11 attacks.

Pick one or more:

1) Complete and total ineptitude and failure by government.

2) Allowed to happen to serve the agendas of the elite.

3) Perpetrated by parts of the government to serve the agendas of the elites.

In ANY case, no need to prove one or the other, the pols, crats and elites should have been brought to the gallows. Instead they were rewarded with more power over us and more of our wealth.

The gallows still await their due.