Jamie Dimon Diagnosed With Throat Cancer, To Start Radiation And Chemotherapy

Tyler Durden's picture


He may be "richer than you", but when it comes to cancer everyone is equal. Moments ago, Dow Jones and Bloomberg broke news that JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon has been diagnosed with throat cancer.

  •  J.P. Morgan JPM Chairman, CEO Jamie Dimon Tells Employees, Shareholders He Has Been Diagnosed With Throat Cancer, Condition Curable
  • Dimon Says Prognosis "Excellent," Cancer "Caught Quickly"
  • Dimon Says Cancer Confined, No Evidence Elsewhere
  • Dimon to start Radiation and Chemotherapy Treatment at Sloan Kettering, treatment to last 8 weeks
  • Dimon advised able to continue to be actively involved in the business

And now the best healthcare that money can buy will be promptly put to use. We wish him a speedy recovery as it would be far more equitable for the JPM CEO to answer for his actions in full health before a jury of his peers, where guilt can not be "admitted or denied" away.

Full Dimon email

Message from Jamie Dimon to all colleagues and shareholders

Subject line: Sharing some personal news

Dear Colleagues and Shareholders -

I wanted to let you know that I have just been diagnosed with throat cancer. The good news is that the prognosis from my doctors is excellent, the cancer was caught quickly, and my condition is curable. Following thorough tests that included a CAT scan, PET scan and a biopsy, the cancer is confined to the original site and the adjacent lymph nodes on the right side of my neck. Importantly, there is no evidence of cancer elsewhere in my body.

My evaluation and treatment plan are still being finalized, but at this time it appears I will begin radiation and chemotherapy treatment shortly at Memorial Sloan Kettering Hospital, which should take approximately eight weeks. While the treatment will curtail my travel during this period, I have been advised that I will be able to continue to be actively involved in our business, and we will continue to run the company as normal. Our Board has been fully briefed and is totally supportive.

As you all know, we have outstanding leaders across our businesses and functions – the best team I’ve ever had the privilege of working with – so our company will move forward together with confidence as we continue to deliver first-class results for our customers, communities and shareholders.

I feel very good now and will let all of you know if my health situation changes.

I appreciate your support and want to thank our employees for the amazing work they do day-in and day-out. I’m very proud to be part of this company and honored to be working with such an exceptional group of people.


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Tue, 07/01/2014 - 18:52 | 4915527 Overfed
Overfed's picture

A friend of mine died of throat cancer in Feb. of this year. Not sure I wish it on anyone, even Jamie Dimon. Pretty miserable.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 18:56 | 4915542 UnpatrioticHoarder
UnpatrioticHoarder's picture

Dimon did too much DATY?

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:02 | 4915574 Headbanger
Headbanger's picture

Let's all be more kind about his illness now

And send him a nail gun.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:03 | 4915579 JLee2027
JLee2027's picture

Maybe GOD no longer wants Jamie to speak?

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:04 | 4915586 gh0atrider
gh0atrider's picture

...or throwing Jamie off a building would be a little too obvious?

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:08 | 4915599 Headbanger
Headbanger's picture

Not if he lands in some deep cold fast flowing water 500 feet below.

I know!  We'll take him out bungee jumping off a very high bridge over a flooded river....


And I wonder how many people committed suicide because of decisions he and his bank made these past five years??

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:09 | 4915611 max2205
max2205's picture

From eating IPads like the rest of us?

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:14 | 4915635 gh0atrider
gh0atrider's picture

Jamie may be richer than us but he is not at the top of the food chain.  It's widely believed that Jack Ruby, Hugo Chavez and others have been given weaponized cancer.  Taking out the high level guys might make sense now if we accept V and Lagarde's recent  speaches about something big in July...

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:16 | 4915647 gh0atrider
gh0atrider's picture

...and correct gh0atrider if he is wrong, but isn't throat cancer rare in non-smokers and non-chewers?

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:18 | 4915659 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

If this weasel Dimon comes out and starts getting all philosophical over this ("I never realized how precious life is.  I'm a changed man.  You can't take it with you.") I will be the first to send him a letter saying, basically, fuck off and suck it up your stoma, big boy.  Nobody wants to hear your banker sniveling.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:19 | 4915666 SoberOne
SoberOne's picture

Money is gold, and nothing else.  Throat cancer is expected when living a diabolical bankers life of sucking on the golden teat. - JP Morgan

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:46 | 4915764 Gaius Frakkin' ...
Gaius Frakkin' Baltar's picture

Death is the great equalizer.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:47 | 4915765 Publicus
Publicus's picture

Too bad for him, chemotherapy is a scam.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:54 | 4915786 Cap Matifou
Cap Matifou's picture

I am sure he walks up the Rockefeller Center instead, where the cancer cures are locked up before the commoners since decades.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 20:00 | 4915812 logicalman
logicalman's picture

He'll get a lot better care than most.

I doubt his medical bills will bankrupt him and lead to foreclosure

So, no, cancer is not the same for everyone.

Death is.

Hopefully a lot of banksters can reach equality.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 20:10 | 4915851 Bananamerican
Bananamerican's picture

"You can't invade the Pearly Gate with the machinery of State"

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 22:38 | 4916236 SF beatnik
SF beatnik's picture

So there's a god, afterall.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 22:08 | 4916240 COSMOS
COSMOS's picture

Don't believe it till the Dimon scum is 6 feet under.  He said it was caught early on the evening news.  Could of been a biopsy that was just carcinoma in situ, meaning the shit never got a chance to spread or invade.  The clown is playing it up for some sympathy for whatever reason.

Wed, 07/02/2014 - 00:50 | 4916729 August
August's picture

Look on the bright side:  his tumour has spread to regional lymph nodes.

While he may already be completely cured, this could also be just the start of a long and very unhappy chain of events. It's bad if  any tumour gets into the bones of the face/skull.

Wed, 07/02/2014 - 01:04 | 4916758 Anusocracy
Anusocracy's picture

Twain's great quote about Jane Austen seems appropriate here.

"It seems a great pity that they allowed her to die a natural death."

Wed, 07/02/2014 - 01:50 | 4916820 Four chan
Four chan's picture

there is only one true value and we all trade it for things that are comparatively worthless.

Wed, 07/02/2014 - 07:07 | 4916999 ShorTed
ShorTed's picture

It's a good start but plenty more crooks to go.

Wed, 07/02/2014 - 01:48 | 4916819 Richard Chesler
Richard Chesler's picture

Couldn't happen to a nicer scumbag.


Wed, 07/02/2014 - 00:57 | 4916742 Anusocracy
Anusocracy's picture

I didn't think snakes got cancer.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 22:13 | 4916270 American Dreams
American Dreams's picture

All you folks wishing him a slow death and even more so the ones offering sympathy need to take a look at Chris Dodd.  Oh the pity party and slow death wishes he received at the time but Chris and his cancer were nothing more than a PR stunt for him to move on to greener lobbiest pastures and to be forgotten.  Diamon and his cancer will be the same, "is he dead? poor fellow, struck down in his prime? where is he these days?"  So, goodbye Jamie you miserable fuck, your exit is prepared, say hello to Chris will ya.

No more lies, no lore lies


Wed, 07/02/2014 - 06:21 | 4916963 mc225
mc225's picture

yeah it's probably a pr stunt. maybe i'm too cynical...

Wed, 07/02/2014 - 00:44 | 4916719 August
August's picture

Major, disfiguring facial surgery can be interesting, not that I would wish such a thing on anyone in particular.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 21:50 | 4916193 Crash Overide
Crash Overide's picture

They just need a cover story for a routine procedure to replace the clone... move along, nothing to see here.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:18 | 4915660 SoberOne
SoberOne's picture

Perhaps all that radiated golden cock he's been sucking.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 20:07 | 4915838 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

Michael Douglas says you get it from eating bad pussy, maybe those uptown hookers aren't as clean as one would imagine?

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 21:04 | 4916037 sodbuster
sodbuster's picture

Maybe he can change his name to Ned and get one of those electronic voice box thingys.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 22:10 | 4916261 COSMOS
COSMOS's picture

He got it from all those big fat cigars he smoked to celebrate each time he swindled some pension fund or country.

Wed, 07/02/2014 - 03:22 | 4916878 cbxer55
cbxer55's picture

I was going to bring up stogies. you beat me to it.

I've been smoken em for years, but in moderation. One a week or so.  

Thu, 07/03/2014 - 10:30 | 4921367 DC Exile
DC Exile's picture

From Bloomberg:

Studies have shown that more than 70 percent of U.S. cancer cases in this area of the throat are the result of infection with human papillomavirus, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta. Smoking and excessive alcohol consumption are the other main contributors...

When cancers are induced by HPV rather than by smoking, “there may be significant improvement in the chance of responding to therapy and remaining cancer free following therapy,” Masters said. “There are some differences in the way tumors grow and propagate from the way they are induced by HPV and the way they’re induced by smoking.”

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 22:17 | 4916294 Crawdaddy
Crawdaddy's picture

Doctor to Jamie - I have good news and bad news

Jamie: Bad news first

Doctor: We have a cure but it can only be applied to you orally from the tip of satan's cock

Jamie: forget the bad news, I got this down.


Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:19 | 4915664 SafelyGraze
SafelyGraze's picture

attention reggie love

get yourself checked

if it happened to jd, it could happen to you



Tue, 07/01/2014 - 23:57 | 4916613 Indian_Goldsmith
Indian_Goldsmith's picture

Pathetic , the Schadenfreude  I see here on Zerohedge, at someone's misfortune.

I thought America was a land devoid of jealousy at others' success.

Wed, 07/02/2014 - 00:41 | 4916712 BigJim
BigJim's picture

Yup, that's us all right!

Wed, 07/02/2014 - 00:54 | 4916736 Anusocracy
Anusocracy's picture

I was never one to laud someone's criminal success.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 21:12 | 4916066 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Ya eat too many blue pills, and look what happens!

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:16 | 4915649 Pladizow
Pladizow's picture

Chemo is only effective for 3% of adult cancer patients!

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:26 | 4915686 Dublinmick
Dublinmick's picture

Piece I read said only 4% survive chemo for over 5 years. It kills the heart muscle also.

Many times people don't have it. A friend of mine survived chemo. He said I did not even know I had cancer, felt fine until the check up. I told him maybe you didn't.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:48 | 4915767 Publicus
Publicus's picture

Exactly, you are better off without chemo almost 100% of the time.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:56 | 4915792 Cap Matifou
Cap Matifou's picture

Too hard to tell to those who think this is their only hope.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 20:44 | 4915949 Not Too Important
Not Too Important's picture

Why take more of what is most likely causing it in the first place? Decades of nuclear atmospheric testing, Chernobyl, Santa Susanna, Hanford, Fukushima, WIPP, on and on.

Is it the chemicals in the tobacco, the fiberglass in the filter, or the radiation in the soil that the tobacco is grown in?

Fukushima is the final nail. There will be more, but Fukushima was enough. Right now WIPP is just the icing on the nuclear yellow cake.

Wed, 07/02/2014 - 00:45 | 4916720 Lanka
Lanka's picture

Forget the chemo, try silver.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:12 | 4915627 old naughty
old naughty's picture

Cam someobe be kind enough to tell him chemo is outdated...

A Recipe To Make Cannabis Oil For A Chemotherapy Alternative
Wed, 07/02/2014 - 00:56 | 4916740 Anusocracy
Anusocracy's picture

Hopefully not.

Wed, 07/02/2014 - 03:01 | 4916866 ThirteenthFloor
ThirteenthFloor's picture

not suicides, most likely trade arrangements secured by a "love note" that JPM or the feds failed to make good on, dk'ing the receiver.  When the victum complained or threat to show compliance records, they were hit with a nail gun or pushed off the roof.  Compliance audit will show a lot of unusual suspect trading since '05, as this site points out regularly.

Tue, 07/01/2014 - 19:09 | 4915614 JLee2027
JLee2027's picture

Sending an angel to smote Jamie would be undetectable too.

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