Thursday Humor: The New US Tax Return

Tyler Durden's picture




 

The recent IRS scandal is sure to go down as one of the most ridiculous of scandals in U.S. history. As Andrea Combs scoffs (rightly), the more that is uncovered, the more unbelievable the story becomes. So, in the interests of "fairness" - a topic this administration holds at its core - we present the new tax return, with addenda...

 

 

h/t @BuzzPo

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Thu, 07/10/2014 - 16:39 | 4944852 Deathrips
Deathrips's picture

They will use force to squeeze your "voluntary contribution" out of you....bastards.

 

RIPS

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 16:46 | 4944882 lordylord
lordylord's picture

Keep what you earn.  Pay for what you use.  Why is this such a hard concept for people?   

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 17:04 | 4944947 Liberal
Liberal's picture

Please pay your taxes, people.  My pension depends on it!  I mean, paying taxes is patriotic!

 

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 17:11 | 4944966 pods
pods's picture

Just think about it, it took the government ordering 65,000 Guatemalan kids off Alibaba and asking CONgress for 3.8 billion bucks to get this hard drive crash story off the radar.

#BringBackOurEmails

pods

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 17:24 | 4944992 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

I'm paid 1099-style.  The thought of just saying "I'm not gonna pay" crosses my mind too often.

Last year I whiffed on paying the quarterly estimated payments.  Had better uses for the money at the time (buying FB and AMZN).  Let me tell you how comfortably you can live when you bring home your WHOLE paycheck instead of 60% of it.  You pay the price come next April, though.

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 17:29 | 4945001 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

 

The NSA will be more than happy to provide your information to the IRS.  The NSA will not provide the IRS's information to you, or your congressional representatives.

Tyranny. 

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 17:30 | 4945007 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Unnecessary.  The IRS knows right where to find me.  Same cell phone number for 24 years, same address for 17 years.  It's the house with the big American flag out front and the "trespassers will be shot" sign.  

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 17:33 | 4945014 chumbawamba
chumbawamba's picture

I actually used the "my hard drive crashed" excuse a couple times when I filed for extensions before I realized the IRS is a scam and stopped filing altogether back in 2008.  I think Lois just copped my game.

I am Chumbawamba.

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 18:07 | 4945131 Gaius Frakkin' ...
Gaius Frakkin' Baltar's picture

If people won't even stop paying taxes, there isn't much hope for anything bigger.

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 18:51 | 4945329 Oldwood
Oldwood's picture

But we don't want to risk losing what we have. That's how they keep our nuts in the vise. The question is...how far do we go before we put ANYTHING at risk? Do we wait until we are absolutely sure we have nothing left to lose?

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 23:13 | 4946145 NidStyles
NidStyles's picture

The funny thing is that realistically, you don't have anything. Under this system you have what they have only neglected to confiscate. You do not truly own anything though.

Fri, 07/11/2014 - 00:53 | 4946342 flacon
flacon's picture

One day they will charge you to work, as in 50% fed tax (of the gross income), 50% State tax (of the gross income) and 50% local tax (of the gross), plus 50% sales tax. We'll be worth more dead than alive. 

Fri, 07/11/2014 - 03:12 | 4946453 Four chan
Four chan's picture

if the endless spending by the government and all the wars

and other black budget shit doesnt prove the fact taxes are

obsolete to you, you are an idiot that deserves to be taxed.

Fri, 07/11/2014 - 06:15 | 4946525 effendi
effendi's picture

IIRC at one stage in Britain the top tax rate was an effective 104% tax. That sort of shit is why Britain isn't Great anymore and why the States won't be United.

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 20:24 | 4945686 TheEndIsNear
TheEndIsNear's picture

Federal Prisons are generally pretty big.

Fri, 07/11/2014 - 00:48 | 4946338 flacon
flacon's picture

The Federation States of America is pretty big, yes. 

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 23:15 | 4946143 DeadFred
DeadFred's picture

Comment deleted after a scary phone call from the NSA

Fri, 07/11/2014 - 01:35 | 4946383 Luckhasit
Luckhasit's picture

Don't forget to add that "survivors will be shot again".

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 18:10 | 4945136 Mox E
Mox E's picture

Where I live, as a 1099, >50% of my paycheck goes to the thieves. One year, I needed the extra scratch to pay for some medical bills (health insurance pays dick when it comes to hospital stays). I couldn't pay taxes for one year. They know instantly. The penalty for not being able to pay was $25K. I have to pay the penalty and the interest on the penalty in order for them to forgive it and then they keep the interest after they forgive the penalty. Because tax rates are so fucking high, I can never make this up unless I magically increase my earning somehow as a 50% tax rate per year (2 years) = 100% the next year. With penalties, it's far greater than 100% of my income. 'Murica is done hung itself on its own igornance.

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 18:33 | 4945238 lordylord
lordylord's picture

MoxE:

By the sound of it, you probably would be better off quitting your job and getting on the government dole.  Funny thing is, that's probably their plan.  How dare you try to be independent and earn your own living. 

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 18:54 | 4945337 Oldwood
Oldwood's picture

That's the game. Never lose your footing and fall or you may never be able to get back up again. And they make it so easy to stay down too. No guilt, no pressure. Once you have kissed the ring...admitted that they own your ass, they can be very generous...but not until then.

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 18:54 | 4945341 boattrash
boattrash's picture

NoDebt + 1000! Damn Straight. If America's mojority did not have taxes automatically held out, and rather, had to pay all at once, this country would see a Blood-bath on April 15th

Fri, 07/11/2014 - 07:00 | 4946553 Pig Circus
Pig Circus's picture

"I'm paid 1099-style.  The thought of just saying "I'm not gonna pay" crosses my mind too often."

Turbo Timmy, is that you?

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 16:48 | 4944899 Silver Bug
Silver Bug's picture

lol wow, sad but true.

 

http://ericsprott.blogspot.ca/

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 23:16 | 4946151 nobodyimportant
nobodyimportant's picture

Maybe - if you read the tax code you would find you owe no taxes.

 

See whatistaxed.com for more information

Domestic earned income not taxable -- foreign earned income taxable.  Section 26 - 86 - 1 thru 8T tells you about taxable income, exempt income, etc.

However if you choose to volunteer your income is taxable the government will accept your contribution.

 

 

 

 

 

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 23:32 | 4946190 in4mayshun
in4mayshun's picture

And yet you'll still go to jail for tax evasion.

Fri, 07/11/2014 - 02:34 | 4946436 drendebe10
drendebe10's picture

Gummint (incl all bueaucrats): ctrl-alt-del

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 16:40 | 4944860 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Pay as I say, not as I do.

Fri, 07/11/2014 - 07:13 | 4946563 The Navigator
The Navigator's picture

Obviously

Tim Gheitner, Charlie Wrangel, et al, and most of pols. YOU pay, I don't

Where is that article from last week about IRS employee's being paid bonuses so they could pay their back taxes?

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/federal-eye/wp/2014/04/23/irs-paid-b...

 

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 16:41 | 4944861 dbTX
dbTX's picture

This brings new meaning to 4/15.

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 17:03 | 4944944 toady
toady's picture

Isn't that supposed to be 4/20?

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 16:41 | 4944864 world_debt_slave
world_debt_slave's picture

uh, yeah, see how far that gets us, only the corrupt politicos, bankers, beaurocrats, dictators, etc etc have that card.

Fri, 07/11/2014 - 06:18 | 4946529 pazmaker
pazmaker's picture

You are right. I've been arrested and put in handcuffs at my home and taken away in front of my family and neighbors for failure to file income tax!!! The thing is it wasn't for the Feds but for the state income tax.

Not fun at all

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 16:43 | 4944871 cpzimmon
cpzimmon's picture

FUIRS.

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 16:43 | 4944872 cpzimmon
cpzimmon's picture

FUIRS.

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 16:44 | 4944876 Tasty Sandwich
Tasty Sandwich's picture

Irwin Schiff

Among the arguments raised over the years by Schiff are:

  1. that no statutory deficiency in Federal income tax can exist until an assessment has been made;
  2. that no tax assessment can be made unless a tax return has been voluntarily filed;
  3. that the Internal Revenue Service, in enforcing the income tax, seeks to impose a tax not authorized by the taxing clauses of the United States Constitution;
  4. that the United States Tax Court has no jurisdiction over Schiff; and
  5. that the United States Tax Court is not a court.
Thu, 07/10/2014 - 16:47 | 4944888 moonman
moonman's picture

Schiff should not pay his taxes and claim one of these reasons, it will not work out well for him

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 16:49 | 4944900 ILLILLILLI
ILLILLILLI's picture

You're new here, eh?

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 16:56 | 4944928 knukles
knukles's picture

No... and he's sane, too

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 17:06 | 4944950 Tasty Sandwich
Tasty Sandwich's picture

Sanity is overrated.

I'm not crazy.

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 23:34 | 4946193 Dubious Intentions
Dubious Intentions's picture

I work for a company that manfactures straight jackets...business is booming.

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 17:10 | 4944961 e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

Yeah, but for how long?

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 18:10 | 4945141 max2205
max2205's picture

Ask P Diddy or Willy Nelson....or Al Capone

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 18:31 | 4945229 Crawdaddy
Crawdaddy's picture

Larken Rose explained why he hardly ever talks about his tax jail staycation - because hardly anyone cares. Pisses me off but the fact is most humans are brainwashed cows.

http://larkenrose.com/

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 22:49 | 4946107 Borrow Owl
Borrow Owl's picture

No shit.

We (those who, for whatever reason, still possess enough wit to think for ourselves) are, unfortunately, grossly outnumbered by those

who can just barely muster up enough intelligence to tie their own fucking shoes in the morning.

Sad.. but true.

 

Fri, 07/11/2014 - 10:23 | 4946955 Nimby
Nimby's picture

It has ALWAYS been that way.  The American Founders made a point of limiting the electorate to those that were vested in society.  The progressives have done their damnedest to undo that, and look at where we are now.

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 16:56 | 4944926 Tasty Sandwich
Tasty Sandwich's picture

Schiff is serving a 13-plus year sentence for tax crimes with his location listed as the Federal Correctional Institution at Fort Worth, Texas. His projected release date has been changed from October 7, 2016 to July 26, 2017.

(Yeah, it's Wikipedia, but it's easy.)

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 17:07 | 4944956 Ribeye
Ribeye's picture

when i first heard the in depth story of what was done to Irwin Schiff I simply could not believe it, and only did believe it because it was Peter recounting the story, one of the most anger inducing stories I'v ever heard

From that day forward I carry a deep hatred of the IRS, akin to the red hate that I carry for the RCC and all the scum who wear its various uniforms, 

And i'm not even an American,  

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 17:28 | 4945000 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

Yeah, when I first heard the story about Schiff I was not too intrigued until I heard that the DC US and court BANNED his book. That got my attention.

They arrested, persecuted and incarcerated him because, as they said, he was wrong, yet they still felt compelled to suppress his views. When they do that to a person and his ideas, you know that that person is on to something.

Also of note regarding the DC US' criminality are the several videos of people, some well know, going around asking IRS pols and crats to, "Show me the law." I was incredulous when I first heard of it, as I figured it would be people acting like ass-clowns, etc. and so preventing any cooperation from the pols and crats being interviewed. Nope, these were straight forward people asking one straight  foreword question: "Show me the law." The pols and crats, all of them, in all the videos, refused to answer or show them the law--ALL of them in ALL of the videos that I have seen.

Pretty eye opening.

 

The most powerful weapon the American people have to use against the DC US tyrants is Rejection.

The system of fraud and theft that has been built up upon the backs of the American people is dependent upon our backs. Withdrew our backs, and the whole thing collapses. This is our greatest weapon.

Quit Paying--put it into food, steel and lead, and precious metals, etc. They stole what ever "debt money" they loaned you in the first place via fraudulent-reserve banking and soon you won't be able to pay them anyways, so just stop now.

Quit Obeying--If they are in violation of the Constitution then they are criminals and not legitimate.

Quit Playing--Quit being a tool for them to use.

The Four Rs
Rejection: Quit paying, quit obeying, quit playing
Revolution: It is inevitable, so prepare, as they are.
Retribution: The guilty must answer for their crimes against the American people and the Constitution.
Restoration: Restore the American people, country and Constitutional republic.

 

 

 

 

 

Thu, 07/10/2014 - 17:49 | 4945063 _disengage_
_disengage_'s picture

1. If money is power, why do we so freely part with it?

2. Disengage the thieves' economy on all non-essential functions.

3. Deploy your capital today on solutions for tomorrow that require no dollar inputs.

4. Spend time with loved ones/pursue goals.

--
I don't understand why people get so enraged at the IRS when the reality is that consumer spending is what keeps the veil propped up. Yes, the IRS is shit and you could fight them, but you will likely end up in jail. A general boycott can't be countered and will have the same effect.

Remember SOPA and GoDaddy? Money talks; bullshit walks. A general boycott (keep paying for needs: rent, food, etc) from even a few % of people would force the thieves' hand.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!