Kerry Kaiser-Beer Caption Contest

Tyler Durden's picture




 

A first class, all expenses paid weekend trip to Vienna with full diplomatic and press cover, to explain to Germany why every day a new CIA spy is uncovered, and to again reach no resolution on Iran's nuclear program: millions of dollars.

Relaxing at the end of the day for a job well done with a cold Kaiser beer: priceless.

Some things money can't buy. For everything else there's TaxpayerCard.

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Sun, 07/13/2014 - 09:40 | 4951967 LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

My name is John Kerry, and I'm a doucheaholic.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 09:51 | 4951996 QEternity
QEternity's picture

Doucheweiser

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 09:53 | 4952002 Keyser
Keyser's picture

Wilbur, bring me another beer and some oats...

 

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 09:58 | 4952019 InjectTheVenom
InjectTheVenom's picture

what a douche

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:11 | 4952045 Thomas
Thomas's picture

"You forgot the fucking ping pong balls?"

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:15 | 4952056 TeamDepends
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Like making love in a canoe...

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:31 | 4952095 kaiserhoff
kaiserhoff's picture

Who stole my god damn ketchup?

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:38 | 4952112 flacon
flacon's picture

You can lead a horse to beer but you can't make it drink.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:55 | 4952160 SilverIsKing
SilverIsKing's picture

"Who pissed in my beer?"

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 11:00 | 4952179 Beam Me Up Scotty
Beam Me Up Scotty's picture

He's still got a long face, even after a beer.  Thats sad.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 11:48 | 4952314 Bollixed
Bollixed's picture

"The least interesting man in the world"

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 13:34 | 4952733 Save_America1st
Save_America1st's picture

it's sick when sociopaths like Kerry, obama, etc. etc. etc. (all the political scum, pretty much) make EVERYTHING they do even something as small as drinking a fucking mug of beer look totally contrived, scripted, fake, and utterly ridiuclous. 

I'd sware these fuckers are so removed from the reality of everything that they just might be from an alien race. 

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 13:49 | 4952780 Never One Roach
Never One Roach's picture

It's mind-numbing to think Barry chose this guy to be our #1 diplomat.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 16:29 | 4953202 AGuy
AGuy's picture

"It's mind-numbing to think Barry chose this guy to be our #1 diplomat."

 

Not really, All of Barry's Cabinet picks are the same. There is not one that stands out.

 

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 12:16 | 4952427 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

And yet nobody noticed the feudal emblem on his mug?  Interesting.

Q:  Who does Kerry work for?  A: The Feudal Masters who are coming back to life, after a century of being undead.  Feudalism 2.0, baby, it's what's in the cards.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 12:51 | 4952570 SoDamnMad
SoDamnMad's picture

"Who pissed in my beer?"   All of us!!!

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:55 | 4952166 BorisTheBlade
BorisTheBlade's picture

Let's horseface it, life is good.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 11:34 | 4952260 SilverIsKing
SilverIsKing's picture

"Why do Clydesdales have all the fun?"

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 12:12 | 4952400 Kirk2NCC1701
Kirk2NCC1701's picture

@ TeamDepends: "Like making love in a canoe..."

Old Canadian joke about weak American beer like Bud:  both are fuc'g close to water.  Not to digress from the article's theme, what most foreigners and "serious" beer lovers fail to realize that it's not about selling "real beer".  It's about selling as much as possible.  Which happens when you can drink more, w/o getting drunk as fast, which leads to selling more.  Clearly the suits/MBAs run Bud (or used to), rather than beer lovers.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:02 | 4952025 AlaricBalth
AlaricBalth's picture

""When your horse is headed down toward the waterfalls or your horse is drowning, it's a good time to change horses in midstream. May I also suggest we need a taller horse? You can get through deeper waters that way."

Actual quote from John Kerry during his 2004 campaign for President.
Say what you will about the equine man, he certainly is self-aware.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:04 | 4952031 TahoeBilly2012
TahoeBilly2012's picture

Was Irish, now Jewish....Jewrish!

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:41 | 4952105 weburke
weburke's picture

Actually, neither....... he is in the royal/holy family none will talk about. The most murderous liars win the planet. Proven here on planet earth ! Congrats. I am sure one centralized power on a human occupied planet could only have been brought about this way.                                      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YFk4b6yeX4

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 11:24 | 4952238 TahoeBilly2012
TahoeBilly2012's picture

Uncle Fester as Minister of Propaganda

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 11:28 | 4952247 kaiserhoff
kaiserhoff's picture

Hate to break it to you guys, but Kaiser beer makes a liar's head explode,

  in 5,4,3....

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 12:03 | 4952383 TahoeBilly2012
TahoeBilly2012's picture

Skier's prefer Gosser anyways, Kaiser is for flat landers.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 14:13 | 4952836 dogfish
dogfish's picture

War hero.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:11 | 4952044 nmewn
nmewn's picture

I never understood it either, apparently he thinks horses can't swim or only tall horses can or he doesn't want to get his feet wet...or sumpin.

Ahhh well, what the hell ya gonna do...lol.

 

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:18 | 4952064 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

.

I never understood it either, apparently he thinks horses can't swim or only tall horses can or he doesn't want to get his feet wet...or sumpin.

He's afraid his shoes will rust if they get wet.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:22 | 4952072 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Sir Kerry of Heinz mounted on his faithful warhorse Scottrade!

Has a certain ring to it ;-)

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:27 | 4952087 NoPension
NoPension's picture

Jen Jiss Con never had it this good.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 11:33 | 4952252 mjcOH1
mjcOH1's picture

"I never understood it either, apparently he thinks horses can't swim or only tall horses can or he doesn't want to get his feet wet...or sumpin."

 

The taller horses have bigger flippers.  Duh?

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:33 | 4952101 kaiserhoff
kaiserhoff's picture

It's Irish philosophy.

Only makes sense if you are very drunk, or married to a troll.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:12 | 4952040 ugmug
ugmug's picture

I like my beer first then comes the lingerie afterwards....

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:25 | 4952079 NoPension
NoPension's picture

.....he once held the entire U.S. congress spellbound, with his tale of military prowess....

Stay thirsty, my friends.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 09:56 | 4952010 Martial
Martial's picture

"Beer For My Horses"

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:10 | 4952043 TheFourthStooge-ing
TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

"For a smooth, shiny coat on your Clodsdale, serve him genuine Olde Douche Oat Beer"

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:12 | 4952046 nmewn
nmewn's picture

I think thats the name of his yacht ;-)

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:42 | 4952123 kaiserhoff
kaiserhoff's picture

Hmmm.  Crack Head One?

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 09:51 | 4951997 kliguy38
kliguy38's picture

I like Kaiser Beer but even better I like Kaiser gold......go foch yourselfs you stupid Krauts

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 13:12 | 4952644 mofreedom
mofreedom's picture

That green label during Xmas is frikin good strong...can't get any on America...i wish the the liquor control board of Ontario would mail me some...two cases please.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 11:19 | 4952223 Berspankme
Berspankme's picture

The very definition of a useless fuck

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 11:20 | 4952227 FilthyHabits
FilthyHabits's picture

I also drink my own urine disguised as a beer and my face looks like a cunt.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 12:09 | 4952404 thunderchief
thunderchief's picture

Nothing worse than some idiot making a display of a half drank half pint.

Just like his Vietnam tour, he got through half of the first half and ran home to cry to his senate. Half Ass!

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 09:41 | 4951968 JustObserving
JustObserving's picture

Horses drank beer? No wonder they are forever happily pulling wagons of beer.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 09:44 | 4951976 ncdirtdigger
ncdirtdigger's picture

Whiskey for my men, beer for my horses.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 10:05 | 4952034 Escrava Isaura
Escrava Isaura's picture

Got that right.... but that’s Germany, not England.

He’s just being a good diplomat

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 09:43 | 4951970 LetThemEatRand
LetThemEatRand's picture

I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer to have the taxpayers buy it.

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 09:46 | 4951984 Escrava Isaura
Escrava Isaura's picture

Complex societies...

The problem of running an Empire

Sun, 07/13/2014 - 09:48 | 4951988 QEternity
QEternity's picture

We don't spend taxpayer money on it we spend stimulus money to quench the Clydesdale's thirst

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