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The iClock Post-Mortem
The Vision... (via The New Yorker)
And The Onion explains the key features of the new iClock...
Tim Cook announced Tuesday the release of Apple’s long-rumored watch, the latest in wearable technology. Here are some features of the new device:
- 13-megapixel camera enables users to take crystal-clear pictures of wrist
- Allows wearers to start and stop the flow of time
- Discreet, but not so discreet that anyone would mistake it for a regular watch
- Comes in a variety of colors and styles to express your personal submission to the planet’s dominant tech company
- Adjustable ticking volume
- All the convenience of a traditional watch that needs to be charged every 12 hours
- Built-in thinkpiece regarding the increased connectivity yet simultaneous isolation of the millennial generation
- Small size and intricate circuitry able to drive twice as many Chinese workers to suicide as iPhone
- Makes it easier for muggers to see whether or not you’re carrying an expensive electronic device
- Another screen to throw into your current rotation of things you look at
But apart from that... it's 'awesome'
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the next version plugs directly into the jack in the back of your head
hell yeah ! ... live your fantasies through a 3-D app plug in !! Keep hands free to do other things !
One more damn fool thing to piddle with when you should be driving, studying, crossing the street, having dinner with your family, having a life...
"iPad?? huck huck huck, dats somethin fer girlz mr. steven jobs holier than tho smug a-hole, obama is satan. apple, they done fucked up sooo baddd... aapl to 0 in two weeks."
Yep, another failure at aapl. Stock is crashing, as predicted by zh experts. though, someone out there keeps trying to smash it, tyler?
iWatch porn
When they introduce the iWatch1911 that can fire a single .45 ACP round, I'll be impressed.
.45 ACP - because why shoot twice
But for real life gunfights, .357.
.45 is for men who feel they need to prove their manliness.
That might take a while as I hear they're still working on the iFlintlock.
I'm watching for the iBra to really hold my concentration.
Add the I Bitch......got one of those too
Here at Apple, our vision for the future is your vision in the future.
Staring at tiny devices all day, poking at minute icons the size of fingernail clippings. Typing on postage stamp-sized video keyboards. Your eyes blur, and focusing on the other things in life get difficult.
Well, we at Apple hear you. And we have something incredible, just for you.
The Apple iGlasses.
Coming in the fall of 2016.
Apple's stock is sky high thus proving wrong all my numerous first hand experiences with Apple hardware and especially software. Because? Wall Street = the truth.
thus proving wrong all my numerous first hand experiences with Apple hardware and especially software.
Yeah you right, aapl makes shitty software and hardware. Someone should pass on your expert opinion to these guys:
http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2369981,00.asp
http://www.forbes.com/sites/chuckjones/2014/04/03/apples-iphone-5s-still...
http://onlinebusiness.volusion.com/assets/Disrupt-Hackathon.jpg
http://blog.challengepost.com/post/84322053826/hackathon-essentials-get-...
http://s3.amazonaws.com/media.wbur.org/wordpress/11/files/2013/09/0912_t...
etc.
He says, having clearly prioritized his own time commenting on onion reposts at zerohedge.
Junkies bitchez.
(I love that my autocorrect assumes Jumps straight to bitchez. Apple fuck yes!)
Oh, what the heck. I'm going to prioritize my time up-arrowing a comment on a comment on an Onion repost at ZeroHedge. Is that sad or what??
The iCe Clock. Soon to be on... Ice! Ice! Baby!
Anyone watch the show Continuum? These things are basically preliminary versions of the Halo Bracelet.
The Japanese model of the iWatch will include a Geiger Counter.
And it's waterproof to 30cm so you don't have to take it off while fisting.
Are the edges well-bezeled? That's important, you know.
In these parts, 30 cm is not nearly deep enough. Doesn't even get you past the sphincter, FCS.
...but before much more hard drives need to be installed in Utah.
I wouldn't mind being able to plug in a few extra gigs of memory.
Why isn't Tim Cook wearing one if it is so great????
Oh, that's because there aren't any until next year.
By then, everybody will have a Galaxy.
The Fanatical Muslim version will be called the iWatchISIS which will come with a detachable neck collar made of titanium.
Why isn't Tim Cook wearing one if it is so great????
He was (not entirely accurate drawing..), inadvertently demonstrating one clearly questionable aspect - watch screen only lights up when you raise it. Hope they sort that out.
He is gay and wouldn't be caught dead wearing one of those.....
keep laughing, meanwhile they added 20 BILLION in market cap today alone.
While I hold semi-firm to my belief that this is a double-top for AAPL, I have a nagging feeling that it will continue to rise, as iSheep consume the new iStuff announced yesterday.
Well whoop tee shit. They still suck, for so many sell out reasons.
3 % below Wed high.....down so off 21 bill
What would Steve Jobs have to say?
Comes with a 2-4 week supply of smug, which must of course be renewed at ruinous expense, the next time we come out with an overpriced answer, for which there was no question.
smug and Apple beats mug with Microshite
pitty the 95% of the market on that garbage ..proof the public don't get it quite often
just to make crystal clear for the 2 mugs (down voters)
Microshite Windows is easily the worst damn product in computer history
Microshite Windows is the biggest lemon of a consumer, and business, product in all catagories
it is monopolistic insufferable f'n garbage ...Gates & Bulmer should be shot
My kids tell me I'm old-school because I wear a watch.
Pretty sure Steve Jobs would not have come out with an iWatch.
Apple appears to be moving from cutting edge to bleeding edge.
Why would anyone need an iWatch if you have an iPhone?
I've not wore a watch since I first got a smart phone. Have not missed it yet.
Logic...
"We need to make the iPhone bigger, because everyone wants a bigger screen. We also need to make a smartwatch with a smaller screen, because once we make the phones bigger, they'll be too big to conveniently pull out to check things time, text messages, etc."
"Won't people just buy the smaller one?"
"No you idiot, they all want bigger screens! But just in case you're right, we'll require you have an iPhone to make the watch work."
"Why would anyone need an iWatch if you have an iPhone?
I've not wore a watch since I first got a smart phone. Have not missed it yet."
Because that was the old marketing song. The new marketing song is that you must iHaveIt. Duh?
It solves the problem of running into things since ones forearm will be extended.
How else do expect to get health related data to Obama Care effectively and efficiently. Lot cheaper for the overlords to make you buy the device!
I'm so tired of all these little Timmys and their inflated egos
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8oJ8tXeUDP8
Hey Samsung is driving hard to the hoop with smart watches too - Tylers might want to browse around on amazon... fuckers need to come down on price and add some functionality/social media 1 tap tie ins before they start taking off.
Kinda cool to have a phone call via your watch. Kinda lame in that its just basically bluetoothing from the phone in your pocket...
Still - smart watches will be a 'thing' by next xmas.
The Hoff aka Michael Knight was talking to his watch in the 80's. Take that rotten apple and samsun!
Agree that it is lame idea.
Just another device needing security and firmware updates every month.
Dick Tracy was talking to his watch in the 1950s, if not earlier. And my 1984 Chrysler New Yorker talked to me before Knight's car talked to him. Mine was kind of dumb, though, and kept insisting that a door is a jar.
"Still - smart watches will be a 'thing' by next xmas."
If not, then by next election day. An ObamaWatch for every ObamaTron.
While it was possible for debt-ridden hipsters to sometimes conceal their older generaiton phones inside fancy protection enclosures, they'll have no such option with the watch. In that sense, it is truly "revolutionary".
Very observant. Congrats. Spoken ike a ZH old timer.
Dick Tracy had one 50 years ago-- ooooooooooold tech ---really old--
'Epic' is the word you are all searching for
ask Tim "don't buy our product if you are a denier' Cook.
Maybe Ted Kaczynski was right?
No Shit. Im moving to a 8X10 cabin in Montana just to get away from this shit.
Up here in the mountains the old timers say, "that's too much sugar for a nickle."
Bit hard to watch porn on for lefties...
I'll bet YouPorn sucks on that tiny screen
This is an exciting advancement - you can now check the time hands-free without having to pull your phone out of your pocket!
Maybe just hang an iPhone around your neck with a big alarm clock app on it. Sort of like the hipster version of Run DMC.
What's old is new again!
the watch and the payment system
designed to keep track of your every
move and financial transaction are
devious enought to be worthy of
Zuckerberg
Any tech person who has been invited to the White House is suspect....what did they get for selling out their customers?
There is proNSA and pro Liberty...none the twain shall meet.
No thanks. I'll stick to my antiquated Rolex.
none of the folks criticizing have even picked one up, same folks that thought computers were never going PC
and here is a 5 year chart for all you geniuses out there, you to Reggie
http://finance.yahoo.com/echarts?s=AAPL+Interactive#symbol=AAPL;range=5y
Nobody needs this shit, really.
Finally! As a long time Apple fan, I have heard all the doom and gloom (especially Reggie - remember all those Android will kill Apple articles?) and all the snark etc... But the people keep lining up, and the stock keeps going up. Doesn't matter whether they need them (no one seems to ask whether I need a Mercedes or a Rolex) or not, they keep buying them.
you mean like food and water? thanks captain obvious
You guys are all just jealous because Apple is the best in the world at (1) creating a market for slick new products no one needs and (2) selling the same shit over and over again under the guise of different devices:
iPod touch = iPad mini = iPhone
From here on out it'll be easy to spot the rube. They will be the ones walking down the street with iPhone in their pocket, an Apple Watch on their wrist and an iPad in their backpack. Perhaps even Google Glass on their face.
fanboy.
Tim cook is a fag. So are people who can't read.
"Perhaps even Google Glass on their face."
Sacriledge. Apple will be innovating an iGlass any day, now that they've innovated the wrist mounted time piece.
I hear there are an iPhonograph and iWalkite-Talkie in the works, as well. Maybe someday even...the iWheel.
The other day, I saw a guy riding a bike and wearing Google glasses and no helmet. I thought he looked like a douche. Probably get hit by a car soon.
I_stupids :
ppl waiting 10 days to finaly give 600$ to apple saying that there is no new "hardweird" until 2015 ?
fuckin i_stupid usa ppl.
ffs we in europ still work and cannot afford the hype of 1/3 month without working to pay a MF shitphone.
usa = apple = deserve to collapse = not bringing any shit to society.
APPLE = FANATICS = SECTERISM = FUCK YOU i_ALL
ebworthen: My kids tell me I'm old-school because I wear a watch.
I started my business in 1988. I have not owned or worn a watch since. I rarely have to be anywhere at any specific point in time. Even when I had to go back and be a silly werker-bee briefly in MIC in 2008....I was on flex time I could roll into the office any time between 5:30 a.m. and 9 a.m.
I had enough of that shit (never closed shop) and now I am back on my time. Every minute is my time.
you will note that you childs spends HOURS to shit stuff on facebook/myspace/my_cunt/my_ass/ social networks... same critisism spending DAYS over a month on what being rejecteted publicly. fucking world we live in.
---> dont make child if you cannot raise em better than you are now. earth deserves it. thx.
I've never owned a watch. And I won't be buying one now. Disclaimer: Not kidding, but my computers do display time and date (and do a whole lot more).
How about an iDon'tWatch ...
That's what the NSA said at first, until Snowden spilled the beans.
Seems to me this new device is just one more hook for the NSA to track us.
Using any Apple product marks a person as a fucking conformist and a complete idiot who just can't function with his or her own fucking brain.
Whereas the mark of a person who is a deliberate, wise, independent thinker is what -- choosing Microsoft? Uh...
so, they ripped off samsung and did a worse job at it. of course, all the ifags will be out in the streets tomorrow proclaiming how apple invented the watch or something.
The watch has a camera. Now your watch will be watching you.
Lots of butt ass selfies to hack after you wipe your ass
Makes me wonder if anyone left at Apple understands their customers. First kid that shows up at school with this gets the shit kicked out of him. The first hipster that wears it gets thrown out of the cover band.
I'm not techin it.
I can order pizza and phone sex with my "watch." And call grandma and the wife too.
An American, not US subject.
What time is it -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KRYwYnC5cg
I've had my phone for three years. Its specs:
2.2 ghz dual core processor, 1 GB RAM, 16gb memory (SD expandable to 64GB, NFC, 4.5" 1280x720 IPS shatterproof screen, and a 13mp camera with flash.
Strangely the phone is not an iPhone 6 because it was just announced yesterday. Yet holding this phone in my hand and looking at the iPhone6 spec sheet it is hard to notice a difference.
Best part is I paid $.01 for the phone on contract.
Tell me again where Apple has the upper hand?
A wearable watch! D'oh! Why didn't I think of that?
How about a ladies' version built into a pendant to hang in an open cleavage?
Which way would you like the camera pointing. Inward or outward?
My $10 Armitron can beat the shit out of your iWatch.....
NSA RECCOMMENDED
aapl just jumped the shark...now who has the cojones to short the fker?
You'll need big ones -- and very patient investors. Had a friend who used to keep saying that the Apple iPhone would eat Blackberry's lunch, and that RIMM was toast. Well, he was right, of course -- but that was in 2005 or so. Here's what happened in the meantime (click "Max").
Waste of time. Just a smaller less useful attachment of the whole thing you are already carrying around.
When you have a smart phone, you stop using your iPod. When you have a smart phone you stop wearing a watch. Stop using your separate GPS. You buy a really good smart phone, so you can do away with other things.
There are a couple of technological advances needed, to make a smart watch really useable. If / when they come, then smart phones will no longer be required. It will all be on you wrist.
Till then, having two things to do your one things, is a wasted effort.
Smart watches are just for show.
Arguably, almost all watches are. Why pay $30,000 for a Rolex, let alone $300,000 for a Patek Philippe, when a $50 Swatch tells time perfectly well?
Here's a Balmer like perspective.
Instead, can I get Apple cuff links?
Stereo is to the 1960s what Dick Tracey was to the 1950s.
Haha! Awesome! I'm 65, and I quit wearing a watch 10 years ago (when I got my 10 year anniversary watch from work). Who's going to want this?
I am saving my fiat to exchange for the iThong Scratch n Sniff as a gift for my hipster girlfriend! The biometrics will be astounding.
I wonder if Steve Jobs is rolling over in his grave, or just laughing his ass off.
Never thought I'd say this, but I miss you Steve.