Saturday Humor: iPhone 6 Plus vs Samsung Galaxy S5

Tyler Durden's picture

As untold millions unwrap their shiny new iPhone 6's this weekend, we thought the following would be useful for some context...


Source: The Onion

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localsavage's picture

It's just funny that they line up to pay hundreds for essentially the same phone they could get for free just because it has that stupid apple and has no options so even a retard can run it.

knukles's picture

Buncha ButtNuggets.  I still use an out of date old fashioned Motorola clam shell flip phone with no other fucking features that I know of other than I can dial a number or receive a call and talk to somebody live.  And it usually resides in the arm rest of my car, turned off.  
Y'all need to get lives.

TheEndIsNear's picture

Wow, that's exactly like mine and what I do with it -- in the armrest of my car turned off. I rarely ever have to charge the battery that way.  I only pay $15/year because that's the minimum plan yearly renewal fee and I use it so seldom I never use up the accumulated minutes.

The Doofus's picture

Screw the IPhone.  Copyright the rectangle?  What kind of shit is that?  Samsung wins hands down.

Manthong's picture

Technology conscious prick ????

I do everything I need and more on a Galaxy SII.

I think the version is ice cream smack or jelly ream cream or something like that..

Maybe it's gingerdough or key hole lemon pie.. I am not sure.


hibou-Owl's picture

ITunes!!! What a lovely piece of shit.

Just brought the new Xiaomi phone, what a fantastic phone and I'll have great pleasure in deleting ITunes.

Headbanger's picture

Interesting product

Thanks for the heads up on it!

Georgia_Boy's picture

And to think I thought oh no, tell me ZH isn't stepping into the smartphone dogshit pile too, before clicking on the article.

sleigher's picture

The should comapre it to the blackphone.

Abitdodgie's picture

Im not allowed a cell phone , thank god.

Againstthelie's picture

This is because you are not modern!

Applie users are so modern and understand OSs so well, that Apple gives it OS releases even names. A OS update? No Yosemite!

And Google has done the same with Android.

The more stupid the user base, the more it is focused on labels - and image created by PR.

DavidC's picture

Good for you Knukles!


angryBuddhist's picture

Wow, I have my iPhone in my BMW's armrest too! My armrest didn't have a natural place for the iPhone so I had it custom modified by a company in Italy so that it not only holds my iPhone6 but the colors are delicately matched to perfection. In fact, I had my entire BMW interior reupholsered to the exact same shade of gold as my shiny new iPhone!

knuckles - you and me, we are the same - a brotherhood - I can feel the love!

Buckaroo Banzai's picture


iPhone: hard to hack so no civilian bothers unless the target is a hot female celebrity who takes nude pictures of herself. Even harder for the NSA to hack because they are a government bureaucracy staffed by mental midgets so they put the arm on Steve Jobs. He gave them a hard time so they infected him with cancer. Tim Cook got the message.

Samsung: an 11-year-old with an IQ of 110 or above can hack it, but nobody bothers because all hot female celebrities have iPhones. Even easier for the NSA to hack because Google built a back door for them that you could float an aircraft carrier through.

gatorboat's picture

And everybody needs to realize there is no privacy anymore when you use a public phone / internet service.

Want privacy?  Stay away from public phone / internet.

What?  4th amendment privacy?  Go do your revolution then, force govt back to the constitution.


Oldballplayer's picture

I have enough people who want to see my dick in real life. And since I lost weight, I can see it whenever I want. So I don't take pictures of it.

Therefore, there is nothing interesting on my phone. So I don't care if it gets hacked.

weburke's picture

well dont do facebook on your iphone, that is a big door.

Zombie Investor's picture

So what's the difference between the crowds lined up at Apple stores the last few days and the people lined up outside Walmarts on Thanksgiving night?

ebworthen's picture

iPhone = trust fund douchebags

Walmart = EBT minions

moneybots's picture

"So what's the difference between the crowds lined up at Apple stores the last few days and the people lined up outside Walmarts on Thanksgiving night?"


No holiday discount for the iPhone buyers.

Axenolith's picture

Crack sweat and thigh ripples.

Emergency Ward's picture

Can I camp out and wait in line for a Galaxy S5?  If not, I don't want it.

ebworthen's picture

My Galaxy S2 is the bomb.  Got it for cheap, and only after my g'friend made fun of my flip phone.

The sexting has been worth it, but how am I supposed to tell Spock to beam me up now?

mjcOH1's picture

I'm holding out for a Nokia 8110 spring-loaded slider.

MontgomeryScott's picture

After having owned several personal protection devices, I find that one of the key elements in any automatic or semiautomatc machine is a thing called a 'recoil spring'. It absorbs the backpressure load as well as forcing the next expendable object in to the ejection tube via gas pressure on the 'slider' (or, if you prefer, the vernacular 'bolt').

I'm sure that the Nokia 8110 can do all kinds of thingies (like open the screen by the touch of a button via the 'spring-loaded slider' option).

The Hughes Apache AH-64's device can cycle at a rate of 3,000 times per minute. That meets or exceeds the minimum of 1.7857 times faster than the standard 'flicker rate' of the average video download (which is 2 cycling times per second faster than the human eye can discern as 'stop-motion'; that is, 28 times per second). Imagine if all the expendables were 'tracer' rounds. It would look like a fucking Luke Skywalker 'Light-Saber' thingie.

I'm gonna get a Nokia 8110, so that I can watch reruns of 'Family Guy'. That 'spring-loaded slider' thingie sounds really neat. My Boss (voice-over of Patrick Stewart) told me that this gadget is the 'Bee's Knees' (whatever THAT means).


McCormick No. 9's picture

The neat thing about all those springy slidy things and the tubey things they're attached to is that it's all super easy to make. Anyone who was good in shop class and knows their way around a lathe and a milling machine can make the partsy thingys for these super neat personal safety devices. POINT AND CLICK BABY!

Emergency Ward's picture

"spring-loaded slider" damn thing sounds like something from a William S. Burroughs novel.

MontgomeryScott's picture

Go to your Obamacare provider and ask for a 'subqutaneous transponder' (implanted two-way geolocating device, known also as a 'Verichip' in the 21st century).

Kirk and Spock and Mr. Chekov and I all have them. McCoy implanted them on our last mission. they aren't too bad...

But fucking Dr. McCoy really gets a kick by telling Lt. Styles to beam me up when he gets the video of me on some planet, just about to do The Nasty with a sexy green three-tittied lass... he always says it's because he saw my heart rate go up dangerously, as he tries not to laugh... I sure get embarrased when I materialize in front of the transporter chief with my pants down and my willie up...McCoy's a real PRICK sometimes, and I haven't gotten laid since Stardate 2280.7... He keeps telling me that I have a medical issue with something called 'Coitus Interruptus'... once I get the Transporter targeting down to a millimeter or so, I'm going to beam a Tribble in to his ASS... NO, I'd better not, because he might actually enjoy it...

Seriously, my 'flip-phone' was bought new in 2005. It's got a screen about an inch square, and I don't pay for 'sexting', so my phone bill is affordable (it's a fucking PHONE, not a computer. I have a PHONE to make what used to be called 'PHONE CALLS'. I took the low-tech step of taping over the 'camera' lens as well (just like the laptop), and still have the option of turning OFF the GEOLOCATOR, as it was built before the era when this wasn't an option, and I haven't uploaded 'software' that removes this option). I can actually PULL OUT THE BATTERY as well (just in case I wish to keep the phone and re-activate it's functions at some later date while wishing to stop being tracked by the NSA).

The biggest issues I've seen with these Chinese phone/computer/tracking device thingies is that they are fucking BIG (they have to be, in order to be able to read the screen; no matter how 'flat' they are), they expel massive amounts of ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION (especially when in rural areas where towers are spaced widely apart) which is proven to be detrimental to the human body; AND, that you cannot EVER SHUT THEM DOWN be removing the battery and DEPOWERING THEM MANUALLY.


I forgot the worst part. Their screens are built like the gasoline tank of a 1976 Ford Pinto. If you look at them with a glare, they crack, and GOD HELP YOU if you drop one...

I have weighed the options between 'the convenience of the feature of sexting' and 'TOTAL INFORMATION AWARENESS ENSLAVEMENT'. Does FOXXCOM still have 'suicide nets' around their 'production facilities, 'ebworthen'?

SPOCK is the 'SCIENCE OFFICER'. Green-blooded Vulcans don't know how to run the MACHINES. They simply USE them, but they don't know how to FIX them. For that, you need an ENGINEER, laddie.

McCormick No. 9's picture

Whu.. fix? Sheeit... Why I got to fix shit, when I kin juss uze mah EBT cart an' buy sum new shit? Sheeeit!

OldPhart's picture

My wife and I both have the $5 pay as you go phones we bought at a grocery store.  We buy $40 cards and we get double minutes.  We recently learned how to text, but's it's a pain in the ass to the point as why not fucking call instead?  The last time I bought a $40 (200 minutes) card was in June.  I still have 204 minutes.  I don't walk aound with some device in front of me.  I see everyone else walking with them and find it amusing that they have all this information but none of it enhances civility.  The self absorbtion continues to grow.

Go anywhere and you see people with devices in front of them and no conversation going on with those that they are with.

Loose Caboose's picture

Here, have an up arrow just for having Spock and sexting in the same sentence.

Moe Hamhead's picture

Decisions... decisions!!

monkeyboy's picture

Can't wait for the iPhone 7 I'm already queing in anticipation!


Fuck it give me the 8 already.


Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Considering the problems Windows 8 has Apple decided to skip 7 and 8 and go directly to 69.

<Have you made love to your iPhone lately? Has it loved you back?>

Disclaimer: Author is an iPhone 5 owner and He's never touched it there. Pinky swear!

Greenskeeper_Carl's picture

i also am an iphone 5S owner. i bought it 2 weeks ago, after my 4 year old iphone 4 literally died. I talked on it, set it down, and it just quit. So, i bought the newest iphone, which i will use until it no longer works. 4 years isnt bad for a cell phone, especially as hard of a life as mine lived. windows 8 is terrible. i dont want to buy an iphone, but there just arent any better options. 3500 for a cryptophone is out of my price range

MontgomeryScott's picture

Helpful Hints:

If you want your new phone to last longer than 4 years, turn off the 'vibrate' option.

Those calls you get from '1-900-TINA' should be BLOCKED, and remember to wipe ALL fluids off the screen and keep it dry. Humidity levels need to be kept LOW (take down the phone mount affixed to your shower wall and avoid the temptation to open the '1-900-TINA' app while soaping yourself).

If the girl you're with feels the need to 'answer the phone' while you are giving her some action, avoid the temptation to rip the phone out of her hand and break it into little pieces. Instead, I suggest throwing it against the bedroom wall and listening to he sound of it's destuction TOGETHER. She might be angry at you, but you can 'make it up' to her... women are FICKLE...

deflator's picture

 I used to live with a woman that would answer the phone while blowing me. She would keep sucking when it was the other womans turn to talk. I don't speak Vietnamese so I had no idea what they were talking about. Luckily, cell phones and internet hadn't been invented yet at that time with their high resolution photo and video capabilities.

Loose Caboose's picture

Put that filthy pinky down, sir.  Your phone has another story.

.... mystery hole.  Riiiight.

Moe Hamhead's picture

8 mystery holes!  That's the tie breaker!

mjcOH1's picture

"I like mystery holes."

Run, Forest!  Run!

Bossman1967's picture

Who really gives a shit i have a 3 out dated a 4 cracked screen that i hated and a 5 so why buy a6 this is my last phone game over. I believe time to disconect what will I do without hmmm. Happiness In wonderland when things were quite and simple the 80,s lmao

Bangalore Equity Trader's picture

Listen. Anyone considering going back to a house phone with answering machine?

Bohm Squad's picture

Funny you mention that...since that's all I have.  AND it has a four foot cord, too.  We usually pull one of the kitchen chairs over and sit if we're gonna talk for awhile.

BTW, I'm not being funny...I'm telling the truth.

$12.87 it what it cost to make it happen.

Bangalore Equity Trader's picture

Listen you guys are good.

I'm sick to fucking death of the celly. The rates are ridiculous and just tired of the bullshit. I'm going "BACK". I like the simplicity. I miss it.

I mean really, I have to get calls from people trying to micromanage my every waking minute? Don't get me started on texts...

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Our 16 year old female child has reduced her texting from 17,000 per month to 13,000.

Progress, not perfect.

When confronted and the eye rolling is over she carefully explains to us that the 13,000 number represents both sent and received texts. So she's only really texting 6,500 times a month. Do the math boys and girls, assuming a 30 day month and 16 hours a day (8 hours not counted for sleep, eat and shower etc) that works out to nearly 14 texts an hour or one every 4 minutes. She says most of them are only one or two words. Mrs. Cog and I are grateful she uses more than one or two words when communicating with us.  :)

Bangalore Equity Trader's picture

Listen Dissonance. Those numbers are "SHOCKING".

Let me be real clear. I sometimes worry greatly for the youths in the USSA. Well, the ones from good families. The ones from bad families are the ones who will deliver the "FINAL" blow to the USSA so no need to worry about them.

Technology is a double edged sword. Some aspects will advance mankind while other aspects will severely retard mankind. It's evolution is so quick that as a parent you must be very careful what the youth is exposed to. In the USSA the parent is now just the financial "SPONSOR" to the child. You cannot discipline or you go to jail. If you resist the TeeVee/Facebook "SOCIALIZATION" you risk raising an "ACTIVE SHOOTER". So you just "LET IT GO" and hope, right? Hopefully The Disney Corp will raise a good consumer for you.

Absolutely frightening and I don't know how you do it. I would end up with "CANCER" at age 50 if I had USSA kids, just from worry and disappointment.

One thing is for sure. USSA people use to be very innovative and creative. The evolution of the fascist "STATE" will crush this in one short generation. The facebook, Internet, texting, heads down buried in the haze of the LED screen, "IT'S OVER USSA". Sorry.

disgruntled housewife's picture

I really can't understand how a 16 year old can be texting that much in a month. What about school hours? What about dinner time? When someone is engaged in that much text commuication that requires just a one or two word response how important could it be? As a parent aren't you concerned with that much time spent on a device that emits emg?

Your articles are thought provoking and articulate. I enjoy them very much. Does your daughter read them? Maybe you could involve her by asking her to provide any insight she may have to offer from a 16 year old's point of view. I am not trying to be judgemental but I am just amazed someone could spend that much time texting

I rarely comment on anything- I am still trying to pick up my jaw off the floor. Sorry.