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Saturday Humor: iPhone 6 Plus vs Samsung Galaxy S5

Tyler Durden's picture




 

As untold millions unwrap their shiny new iPhone 6's this weekend, we thought the following would be useful for some context...

 

Source: The Onion

 

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Sat, 09/20/2014 - 20:48 | 5239233 SolidSnake961
SolidSnake961's picture

hahahaha

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 20:54 | 5239250 localsavage
localsavage's picture

It's just funny that they line up to pay hundreds for essentially the same phone they could get for free just because it has that stupid apple and has no options so even a retard can run it.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 23:30 | 5239524 knukles
knukles's picture

Buncha ButtNuggets.  I still use an out of date old fashioned Motorola clam shell flip phone with no other fucking features that I know of other than I can dial a number or receive a call and talk to somebody live.  And it usually resides in the arm rest of my car, turned off.  
Y'all need to get lives.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 02:06 | 5239708 TheEndIsNear
TheEndIsNear's picture

Wow, that's exactly like mine and what I do with it -- in the armrest of my car turned off. I rarely ever have to charge the battery that way.  I only pay $15/year because that's the minimum plan yearly renewal fee and I use it so seldom I never use up the accumulated minutes.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 02:34 | 5239745 The Doofus
The Doofus's picture

Screw the IPhone.  Copyright the rectangle?  What kind of shit is that?  Samsung wins hands down.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 02:52 | 5239756 Manthong
Manthong's picture

Technology conscious prick ????

I do everything I need and more on a Galaxy SII.

I think the version is ice cream smack or jelly ream cream or something like that..

Maybe it's gingerdough or key hole lemon pie.. I am not sure.

 

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 07:46 | 5239964 hibou-Owl
hibou-Owl's picture

ITunes!!! What a lovely piece of shit.

Just brought the new Xiaomi phone, what a fantastic phone and I'll have great pleasure in deleting ITunes.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 08:09 | 5239990 Headbanger
Headbanger's picture

Interesting product

http://www.xiaomishop.com/

Thanks for the heads up on it!

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 08:56 | 5240073 Georgia_Boy
Georgia_Boy's picture

And to think I thought oh no, tell me ZH isn't stepping into the smartphone dogshit pile too, before clicking on the article.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 11:22 | 5240284 sleigher
sleigher's picture

The should comapre it to the blackphone.

 

https://www.blackphone.ch/

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 10:07 | 5240167 Abitdodgie
Abitdodgie's picture

Im not allowed a cell phone , thank god.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 11:18 | 5240276 Againstthelie
Againstthelie's picture

This is because you are not modern!

Applie users are so modern and understand OSs so well, that Apple gives it OS releases even names. A OS update? No Yosemite!

And Google has done the same with Android.

The more stupid the user base, the more it is focused on labels - and image created by PR.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 06:20 | 5239897 DavidC
DavidC's picture

Good for you Knukles!

DavidC

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 08:21 | 5240010 angryBuddhist
angryBuddhist's picture

Wow, I have my iPhone in my BMW's armrest too! My armrest didn't have a natural place for the iPhone so I had it custom modified by a company in Italy so that it not only holds my iPhone6 but the colors are delicately matched to perfection. In fact, I had my entire BMW interior reupholsered to the exact same shade of gold as my shiny new iPhone!

knuckles - you and me, we are the same - a brotherhood - I can feel the love!

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:02 | 5239253 Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

Hackability:

iPhone: hard to hack so no civilian bothers unless the target is a hot female celebrity who takes nude pictures of herself. Even harder for the NSA to hack because they are a government bureaucracy staffed by mental midgets so they put the arm on Steve Jobs. He gave them a hard time so they infected him with cancer. Tim Cook got the message.

Samsung: an 11-year-old with an IQ of 110 or above can hack it, but nobody bothers because all hot female celebrities have iPhones. Even easier for the NSA to hack because Google built a back door for them that you could float an aircraft carrier through.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 03:11 | 5239780 gatorboat
gatorboat's picture

And everybody needs to realize there is no privacy anymore when you use a public phone / internet service.

Want privacy?  Stay away from public phone / internet.

What?  4th amendment privacy?  Go do your revolution then, force govt back to the constitution.

 

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 14:38 | 5240730 Oldballplayer
Oldballplayer's picture

I have enough people who want to see my dick in real life. And since I lost weight, I can see it whenever I want. So I don't take pictures of it.

Therefore, there is nothing interesting on my phone. So I don't care if it gets hacked.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 16:36 | 5241069 weburke
weburke's picture

well dont do facebook on your iphone, that is a big door.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 20:48 | 5239235 Zombie Investor
Zombie Investor's picture

So what's the difference between the crowds lined up at Apple stores the last few days and the people lined up outside Walmarts on Thanksgiving night?

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:04 | 5239266 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

iPhone = trust fund douchebags

Walmart = EBT minions

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:51 | 5239342 moneybots
moneybots's picture

"So what's the difference between the crowds lined up at Apple stores the last few days and the people lined up outside Walmarts on Thanksgiving night?"

 

No holiday discount for the iPhone buyers.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 01:38 | 5239681 Axenolith
Axenolith's picture

Crack sweat and thigh ripples.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 07:06 | 5239925 Seahorse
Seahorse's picture

help me unsee...

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 20:49 | 5239237 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture

Can I camp out and wait in line for a Galaxy S5?  If not, I don't want it.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:07 | 5239270 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

My Galaxy S2 is the bomb.  Got it for cheap, and only after my g'friend made fun of my flip phone.

The sexting has been worth it, but how am I supposed to tell Spock to beam me up now?

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 22:13 | 5239379 mjcOH1
mjcOH1's picture

I'm holding out for a Nokia 8110 spring-loaded slider.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 23:33 | 5239532 MontgomeryScott
MontgomeryScott's picture

After having owned several personal protection devices, I find that one of the key elements in any automatic or semiautomatc machine is a thing called a 'recoil spring'. It absorbs the backpressure load as well as forcing the next expendable object in to the ejection tube via gas pressure on the 'slider' (or, if you prefer, the vernacular 'bolt').

I'm sure that the Nokia 8110 can do all kinds of thingies (like open the screen by the touch of a button via the 'spring-loaded slider' option).

The Hughes Apache AH-64's device can cycle at a rate of 3,000 times per minute. That meets or exceeds the minimum of 1.7857 times faster than the standard 'flicker rate' of the average video download (which is 2 cycling times per second faster than the human eye can discern as 'stop-motion'; that is, 28 times per second). Imagine if all the expendables were 'tracer' rounds. It would look like a fucking Luke Skywalker 'Light-Saber' thingie.

I'm gonna get a Nokia 8110, so that I can watch reruns of 'Family Guy'. That 'spring-loaded slider' thingie sounds really neat. My Boss (voice-over of Patrick Stewart) told me that this gadget is the 'Bee's Knees' (whatever THAT means).

 

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 00:39 | 5239636 McCormick No. 9
McCormick No. 9's picture

The neat thing about all those springy slidy things and the tubey things they're attached to is that it's all super easy to make. Anyone who was good in shop class and knows their way around a lathe and a milling machine can make the partsy thingys for these super neat personal safety devices. POINT AND CLICK BABY!

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 13:04 | 5240513 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture

"spring-loaded slider" damn thing sounds like something from a William S. Burroughs novel.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 22:39 | 5239425 MontgomeryScott
MontgomeryScott's picture

Go to your Obamacare provider and ask for a 'subqutaneous transponder' (implanted two-way geolocating device, known also as a 'Verichip' in the 21st century).

Kirk and Spock and Mr. Chekov and I all have them. McCoy implanted them on our last mission. they aren't too bad...

But fucking Dr. McCoy really gets a kick by telling Lt. Styles to beam me up when he gets the video of me on some planet, just about to do The Nasty with a sexy green three-tittied lass... he always says it's because he saw my heart rate go up dangerously, as he tries not to laugh... I sure get embarrased when I materialize in front of the transporter chief with my pants down and my willie up...McCoy's a real PRICK sometimes, and I haven't gotten laid since Stardate 2280.7... He keeps telling me that I have a medical issue with something called 'Coitus Interruptus'... once I get the Transporter targeting down to a millimeter or so, I'm going to beam a Tribble in to his ASS... NO, I'd better not, because he might actually enjoy it...

Seriously, my 'flip-phone' was bought new in 2005. It's got a screen about an inch square, and I don't pay for 'sexting', so my phone bill is affordable (it's a fucking PHONE, not a computer. I have a PHONE to make what used to be called 'PHONE CALLS'. I took the low-tech step of taping over the 'camera' lens as well (just like the laptop), and still have the option of turning OFF the GEOLOCATOR, as it was built before the era when this wasn't an option, and I haven't uploaded 'software' that removes this option). I can actually PULL OUT THE BATTERY as well (just in case I wish to keep the phone and re-activate it's functions at some later date while wishing to stop being tracked by the NSA).

The biggest issues I've seen with these Chinese phone/computer/tracking device thingies is that they are fucking BIG (they have to be, in order to be able to read the screen; no matter how 'flat' they are), they expel massive amounts of ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION (especially when in rural areas where towers are spaced widely apart) which is proven to be detrimental to the human body; AND, that you cannot EVER SHUT THEM DOWN be removing the battery and DEPOWERING THEM MANUALLY.

EDIT:

I forgot the worst part. Their screens are built like the gasoline tank of a 1976 Ford Pinto. If you look at them with a glare, they crack, and GOD HELP YOU if you drop one...

I have weighed the options between 'the convenience of the feature of sexting' and 'TOTAL INFORMATION AWARENESS ENSLAVEMENT'. Does FOXXCOM still have 'suicide nets' around their 'production facilities, 'ebworthen'?

SPOCK is the 'SCIENCE OFFICER'. Green-blooded Vulcans don't know how to run the MACHINES. They simply USE them, but they don't know how to FIX them. For that, you need an ENGINEER, laddie.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 00:45 | 5239642 McCormick No. 9
McCormick No. 9's picture

Whu.. fix? Sheeit... Why I got to fix shit, when I kin juss uze mah EBT cart an' buy sum new shit? Sheeeit!

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 01:16 | 5239661 OldPhart
OldPhart's picture

My wife and I both have the $5 pay as you go phones we bought at a grocery store.  We buy $40 cards and we get double minutes.  We recently learned how to text, but's it's a pain in the ass to the point as why not fucking call instead?  The last time I bought a $40 (200 minutes) card was in June.  I still have 204 minutes.  I don't walk aound with some device in front of me.  I see everyone else walking with them and find it amusing that they have all this information but none of it enhances civility.  The self absorbtion continues to grow.

Go anywhere and you see people with devices in front of them and no conversation going on with those that they are with.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 12:49 | 5240484 Loose Caboose
Loose Caboose's picture

Here, have an up arrow just for having Spock and sexting in the same sentence.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 20:49 | 5239239 Moe Hamhead
Moe Hamhead's picture

Decisions... decisions!!

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 20:50 | 5239242 monkeyboy
monkeyboy's picture

Can't wait for the iPhone 7 I'm already queing in anticipation!

 

Fuck it give me the 8 already.

 

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 20:56 | 5239255 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Considering the problems Windows 8 has Apple decided to skip 7 and 8 and go directly to 69.

<Have you made love to your iPhone lately? Has it loved you back?>

Disclaimer: Author is an iPhone 5 owner and He's never touched it there. Pinky swear!

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 22:33 | 5239423 Greenskeeper_Carl
Greenskeeper_Carl's picture

i also am an iphone 5S owner. i bought it 2 weeks ago, after my 4 year old iphone 4 literally died. I talked on it, set it down, and it just quit. So, i bought the newest iphone, which i will use until it no longer works. 4 years isnt bad for a cell phone, especially as hard of a life as mine lived. windows 8 is terrible. i dont want to buy an iphone, but there just arent any better options. 3500 for a cryptophone is out of my price range

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 23:54 | 5239567 MontgomeryScott
MontgomeryScott's picture

Helpful Hints:

If you want your new phone to last longer than 4 years, turn off the 'vibrate' option.

Those calls you get from '1-900-TINA' should be BLOCKED, and remember to wipe ALL fluids off the screen and keep it dry. Humidity levels need to be kept LOW (take down the phone mount affixed to your shower wall and avoid the temptation to open the '1-900-TINA' app while soaping yourself).

If the girl you're with feels the need to 'answer the phone' while you are giving her some action, avoid the temptation to rip the phone out of her hand and break it into little pieces. Instead, I suggest throwing it against the bedroom wall and listening to he sound of it's destuction TOGETHER. She might be angry at you, but you can 'make it up' to her... women are FICKLE...

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 09:31 | 5240106 deflator
deflator's picture

 I used to live with a woman that would answer the phone while blowing me. She would keep sucking when it was the other womans turn to talk. I don't speak Vietnamese so I had no idea what they were talking about. Luckily, cell phones and internet hadn't been invented yet at that time with their high resolution photo and video capabilities.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 12:52 | 5240488 Loose Caboose
Loose Caboose's picture

Put that filthy pinky down, sir.  Your phone has another story.

.... mystery hole.  Riiiight.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 20:51 | 5239244 Moe Hamhead
Moe Hamhead's picture

8 mystery holes!  That's the tie breaker!

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:22 | 5239305 hungrydweller
hungrydweller's picture

I like mystery holes.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 22:15 | 5239384 mjcOH1
mjcOH1's picture

"I like mystery holes."

Run, Forest!  Run!

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 20:51 | 5239246 Bossman1967
Bossman1967's picture

Who really gives a shit i have a 3 out dated a 4 cracked screen that i hated and a 5 so why buy a6 this is my last phone game over. I believe time to disconect what will I do without hmmm. Happiness In wonderland when things were quite and simple the 80,s lmao

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 20:55 | 5239254 Bangalore Equit...
Bangalore Equity Trader's picture

Listen. Anyone considering going back to a house phone with answering machine?

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:11 | 5239276 Bohm Squad
Bohm Squad's picture

Funny you mention that...since that's all I have.  AND it has a four foot cord, too.  We usually pull one of the kitchen chairs over and sit if we're gonna talk for awhile.

BTW, I'm not being funny...I'm telling the truth.

$12.87 it what it cost to make it happen.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:37 | 5239319 Bangalore Equit...
Bangalore Equity Trader's picture

Listen you guys are good.

I'm sick to fucking death of the celly. The rates are ridiculous and just tired of the bullshit. I'm going "BACK". I like the simplicity. I miss it.

I mean really, I have to get calls from people trying to micromanage my every waking minute? Don't get me started on texts...

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 22:04 | 5239360 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Our 16 year old female child has reduced her texting from 17,000 per month to 13,000.

Progress, not perfect.

When confronted and the eye rolling is over she carefully explains to us that the 13,000 number represents both sent and received texts. So she's only really texting 6,500 times a month. Do the math boys and girls, assuming a 30 day month and 16 hours a day (8 hours not counted for sleep, eat and shower etc) that works out to nearly 14 texts an hour or one every 4 minutes. She says most of them are only one or two words. Mrs. Cog and I are grateful she uses more than one or two words when communicating with us.  :)

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 06:56 | 5239911 Bangalore Equit...
Bangalore Equity Trader's picture

Listen Dissonance. Those numbers are "SHOCKING".

Let me be real clear. I sometimes worry greatly for the youths in the USSA. Well, the ones from good families. The ones from bad families are the ones who will deliver the "FINAL" blow to the USSA so no need to worry about them.

Technology is a double edged sword. Some aspects will advance mankind while other aspects will severely retard mankind. It's evolution is so quick that as a parent you must be very careful what the youth is exposed to. In the USSA the parent is now just the financial "SPONSOR" to the child. You cannot discipline or you go to jail. If you resist the TeeVee/Facebook "SOCIALIZATION" you risk raising an "ACTIVE SHOOTER". So you just "LET IT GO" and hope, right? Hopefully The Disney Corp will raise a good consumer for you.

Absolutely frightening and I don't know how you do it. I would end up with "CANCER" at age 50 if I had USSA kids, just from worry and disappointment.

One thing is for sure. USSA people use to be very innovative and creative. The evolution of the fascist "STATE" will crush this in one short generation. The facebook, Internet, texting, heads down buried in the haze of the LED screen, "IT'S OVER USSA". Sorry.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 11:42 | 5240337 disgruntled hou...
disgruntled housewife's picture

I really can't understand how a 16 year old can be texting that much in a month. What about school hours? What about dinner time? When someone is engaged in that much text commuication that requires just a one or two word response how important could it be? As a parent aren't you concerned with that much time spent on a device that emits emg?

Your articles are thought provoking and articulate. I enjoy them very much. Does your daughter read them? Maybe you could involve her by asking her to provide any insight she may have to offer from a 16 year old's point of view. I am not trying to be judgemental but I am just amazed someone could spend that much time texting

I rarely comment on anything- I am still trying to pick up my jaw off the floor. Sorry.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 22:11 | 5239381 essgee
essgee's picture

Try it... I went BACK to the Samsung "razr knock off" last year for about 45min before I came crawling BACK to iphone 4, and the 3g didn't work for 2 months after.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 22:24 | 5239402 Quantum Darwinism
Quantum Darwinism's picture

Oh I know how you feel...

Sometimes I turn off the phone or temporarily block most numbers because it gets overwhelming and I can't focus a damn thing. But when I bring it back on, it all comes back with a vengance with texts such as: "are you dead?", "did you get arrested??", "did you block my number???", "motherfucker", "ANSWER!", "I hate you", and so on... *sigh*

On the other hand I sure would have a hard time chronically enduring packed public transit without escaping to my smartphone. I guess I'd have to get a car, but then I would have to endure traffic jams and aggressive drivers in a time/punctuality-obssessed society.

Moving to the countryside would be an option, which I would only consider if happily married, with a great career and prospects, and job offers. Very much unlikely.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 07:03 | 5239918 Bangalore Equit...
Bangalore Equity Trader's picture

Listen Darwin. I understand. You have to blaze your own trail in this world. "EVOLVE" in that direction. One hint for "YOU" is to put down the "SMART" phone and engage your "FELLOW" travelers with a quality conversation. You might just end up with more job offers.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 11:32 | 5240306 sleigher
sleigher's picture

Just get a really long wire and use a land line...

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 13:00 | 5240507 Loose Caboose
Loose Caboose's picture

"I sure would have a hard time chronically enduring packed public transit without escaping to my smartphone."

Try a paperback book or audiobooks on your player of choice.  Maybe even just *horror* exercise your imagination.  Have we forgotten how to try and work out a problem in our heads or just contemplate our surroundings, anymore?


Sun, 09/21/2014 - 01:58 | 5239700 Axenolith
Axenolith's picture

I mean really, I have to get calls from people trying to micromanage my every waking minute? Don't get me started on texts...

I was tied for second in a field target (state level, grand prix event) match this summer.  There was a shootoff.  The other guy gets the lane and cleans it in silence.  I'm in position, feeling tight, make the first shot, getting the breath exhaled for the second, taking up the trigger and GODAWEFULFAGGOTYASSEDCELLPHONERINGTONE goes off 3 feet from me and I effin' jerked it...

There are definitely times when you'd like to try heroically to get a cell phone INSIDE of a human skull using only the available orifices.

 

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 07:14 | 5239936 Bangalore Equit...
Bangalore Equity Trader's picture

Listen Axe. Here in India some of "MY" teammates are subject to months of lab "TRAINING" for such events. The training is much secretive so I cannot go into great detail as my countrymen would be greatly disappointed but I will say it's based on auditory brainstem response (ABR) research. If your "AGENCY" allows for it, bring in an expert to teach your brain how to turn the world off at those critical moments.

Regards. --Raj

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:12 | 5239280 Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

Remember when you would call your home phone to retrieve your messages from your answering machine? And you'd have to wait for the beep and punch in your code? And then cycle through the messages?

Good times.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:33 | 5239316 Ralph Spoilsport
Ralph Spoilsport's picture

Some earlier versions required you to carry a remote control that was placed over the handset microphone. This was back before touch tone phones were common. Radio Shack sold a device with a keypad that worked the same way so you could access long distance calling cards, WATS lines and things like answering machines from a rotary phone.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 01:25 | 5239665 OldPhart
OldPhart's picture

Remember when a phone card allowed you to charge long distance calls to your personal line while traveling?

Remember when a party line was anything BUT a party?

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:16 | 5239291 Ralph Spoilsport
Ralph Spoilsport's picture

We never got rid of ours. A beige rotary-dial wall phone that's had the same number since 1961, except for an area code change. There's also a Code-A-Phone answering machine hooked up that uses these weird old tape cartridges (cassettes?). It's not as good as the old BSR Phone Butler though. That one used wax cylinders.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 22:06 | 5239366 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Up arrow for the wax cylinders Mr. Edison.  :)

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 05:52 | 5239886 StychoKiller
Sun, 09/21/2014 - 10:51 | 5240222 Phil Free
Phil Free's picture

Wow.. that is some stout plaid!!!

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 22:43 | 5239444 armageddon addahere
armageddon addahere's picture

I'm thinking of disconnecting the answering machine.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 08:24 | 5240014 Mesquite
Mesquite's picture

Interesting thread...

re: Bringing up memories:

When quite young, family decision to call Grandma..

We all piled into family car and made the 10 mile trip

(1/2 on winding unpaved country road) to downtown

to the phone company office..

Dad went up to the counter and made arrangements.

Then we all went across to back wall where a line of wooden booths stood at the ready..

Crowding around the appointed booth, we took turns talking to Grandma..

An adventure !!

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 15:51 | 5240939 Bangalore Equit...
Bangalore Equity Trader's picture

Listen BBQ God,

Sounds quite nice actually.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 20:55 | 5239256 coast
coast's picture

I wonder how the world existed when: if you wanted to know the weather, you looked at the sky, or here in the northwest, ya look to the west..or ask your grandfather.  Or, if you had to make a phone call you waited to get home to use a landline, Or, if you wanted to play a video game you waited til you got home and connected it to your tv.  If you had gripes about the government, you told your neighbors.If you wanted music you bought an album.  You get the point.  Why were those the days the most prosperous to not only our economy but our moral society?   I guess times change, but they do not seem to be changing in a very good direction.  People lining up for an iphone?  I can understand when they go on sale later, but this is sick.  Complete moral decay, the human way I guess..Actually, what we are experiencing is all in the bible, history repeats itself, whether you believe in God or not.  But nobody teaches the bible anymore.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:11 | 5239277 crazzziecanuck
crazzziecanuck's picture

I guess standing in line is an indication for some of the "extra value added" or something. It could also indicate that people have been so atomized that this is the closest they will ever get to talking to someone without requiring a battery operated device.

I like Apple products and have a number of them, I just don't like them enough to sit outside overnight.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 08:58 | 5240075 effendi
effendi's picture

People here in Sydney Australia are just as stupid as Yanks. I worked security on Thursday evening at a shopping centre with an Apple store. That one store sold 10,000 phones. The city store  I was told sold even more (28,000 phones was mentioned by another guard). There were phone scalpers offerring to sell phones to those well back in the queues. There were Asians buying multiple phones to sell back in Asia for $3,000 each (phone not yet released there). 

There was also 20 phones stolen and lots of security issues. Caught 2 young men coming up the escalators that had been turned off late at night, they gave a bullshit excuse that they were looking for Kmart. More likely they were casing the place out. Wouldn't do them any good as the Apple store had zero phones left.

Apple probably sold over 100 million dollars of those phones just in this one city in one day. Madness.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:14 | 5239286 coast
coast's picture

I guess my point is really..technology is a great thing, but it is not being used to make the world better...

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 22:20 | 5239398 Dollarmedes
Dollarmedes's picture

That's because technology is in the service of people, and people are awful.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:51 | 5239343 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

Yup.

In my life I have seen technology reach the pinnacle of benefiting mankind and then rapidly decline form there.

Cell phones, even smartphones are great. Most people's escape into them like a back-lit drug is alarming to say the least.

And while they are caught in their Brave New World stupor, 1984 is descending rapidly upon them.

An American, not US subject.

 

"I tweeted, therefore I must be on the toilet."

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 22:58 | 5239468 Jayda1850
Jayda1850's picture

"spend instead of mend"

"a gram is better than a damn"

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 13:52 | 5240611 MrPalladium
MrPalladium's picture

"I tweeted, therefore I must be on the toilet."

Says the ghost of Rene Descartes as he surveys the Iphone using population!!

cogitavi ergo eram!

 

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:05 | 5239268 Ineverslice
Ineverslice's picture

 

??

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 23:47 | 5239288 booboo
booboo's picture

I have a Motorola beeper an official Don Johnson Miami Vice brick. Take that!

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:25 | 5239309 Latitude25
Latitude25's picture

Both phones violate your right to privacy.  I'll get one when the company I work for sends one for free.  Then I'll turn it off and take the battery out when I don't want some prick meddling with my private life.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:33 | 5239317 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

I remember the feeling of euphoria these owners of new iPhone 6 and Samsung Galaxy S5 are having. It was when I finally gave up my Nokia flip phone and got a smart-er phone, a brand new iPhone 4S. That was history, of course, way back in February 2014.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 23:01 | 5239477 Peanut Butter E...
Peanut Butter Engineer's picture

That's nothing, I hardly watch any commercial so first time I met iPhone 3GS in 2014 I decided to finally upgrade to this brand new device. It's awesome device, what's this 6s they are talking about? I guess I'll wait another 3-4 years before I finally get to met one.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:40 | 5239326 ToNYC
ToNYC's picture

Apple v Samsung 1 -2012

Blatant and Flagrant Copying!!!! Every day the Eminent Front A-Corps ranted on an frickin' on...Love the show. Keep it coming, fools.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:44 | 5239329 NoWayJose
NoWayJose's picture

The Great and Powerful WOZ had been an Android user but is now switching to the iPhone 6.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:45 | 5239335 moneybots
moneybots's picture

It is really childish for adults to be lined up to buy a new phone the minute it goes on sale.  It isn't like the current model stopped working at midnight Thursday and turned into a pumpkin, leaving one without phone service.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 22:59 | 5239469 ClowardPiven2016
ClowardPiven2016's picture

Especially considering you could pre order it online and have it delivered the same day as it was released in the stores

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 23:57 | 5239574 Fuku Ben
Fuku Ben's picture

The children that line up are childish

The adults that do it are complete friggin morons

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 21:50 | 5239341 Karaio
Karaio's picture

Frankly I do not understand how Motorola G-4 16Giga not appear on these lists. 

I only see iPhone and Samsug. 

iPhone is weak, Samsung is complicated mess. 

My mother, 82-year-old prefers the Motorola. 

Already bought her iPhone she did not like the Samsung almost threw it on the wall. 

I have a Motorola, have my children, nephews and daughters and mother and the rest of the family has various types and configurations. 

Everybody happy. 

hehe.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 22:06 | 5239364 Atomizer
Atomizer's picture

Mrs Atomizer has a TMobile Galaxy phone. She tolerates it. I own the Z10 BlackBerry beast. One day she'll convert on her own. 

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 22:35 | 5239413 Ralph Spoilsport
Ralph Spoilsport's picture

My Z10 gets a signal where Mrs. Spoilsport's S5 will not (same carrier). Being able to make phone calls is still pretty important for something being sold as a phone.

Mon, 09/22/2014 - 08:51 | 5242564 Abbie Normal
Abbie Normal's picture

My former Z10 didn't get much of a signal unless it could see skies overhead.  Fortunately, T-Mobile stopped supporting it so that gave me a perfect excuse to drop them and upgrade to the Z30 through VZN.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 22:28 | 5239411 bilejones
bilejones's picture

I have a flip phone.

The purpose of phones is to allow me to contact other people when I want to.

Not Vice Versa.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 23:46 | 5239552 homiegot
homiegot's picture

Ditto, comrade.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 22:31 | 5239418 bitplayer
bitplayer's picture

The Onion lost its edge when it got onto Apple's payroll. I have no evidence to support that claim, only that they started handling Apple products/users with kid gloves several years ago and it was very noticeable; the Apple segments were less sardonic and basically puff-pieces. Has anyone else noticed this?

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 00:13 | 5239601 Real Estate Geek
Real Estate Geek's picture

They lost their edge when they decided to give Obama a free pass.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 23:03 | 5239479 LoneStarHog
LoneStarHog's picture

What happens when a Galaxy S5 calls an iPhone6 Plus?

What happens when an iPhone6 Plus calls a Galaxy S5?

It terrifies me to think what might happen!

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 23:12 | 5239494 GrinandBearit
GrinandBearit's picture

I don't own ANY of these spy/tracking devices.

 

I'm quite happy.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 23:26 | 5239519 Fuku Ben
Fuku Ben's picture

Unless one of the mystery holes is a glory hole with a hot babe on the other side I'm out

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 23:29 | 5239522 OhNo
OhNo's picture

Does this mean im going to have a zeroshit-who fuckin cares.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 23:32 | 5239527 Freddie
Freddie's picture

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ef_BznBwktw

Weird shit in NYC.  Lots of Chinese in line?  no one speaks Engrish?  Black market? Cops beating up Chinese?  WTF?  The city should not allow idiots to stand in line.  All cash buyers?  WTF?  Then handed off to other Chinese?  Huh?

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 23:50 | 5239560 Cthonic
Cthonic's picture

Money laundering.  Boy those bills already look crisp.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 08:42 | 5240042 Zeta Reticuli
Zeta Reticuli's picture

They resell them in China for big bucks. China has retards, too.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 23:44 | 5239548 homiegot
homiegot's picture

Can these be easily shoved up these fucktard's asses?

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 23:47 | 5239554 Dr_Snooz
Dr_Snooz's picture

Apple lost their marketer in chief. Without Jobs to sell their mediocre crap to chumps, Apple is in serious trouble.

Sat, 09/20/2014 - 23:47 | 5239555 Dr_Snooz
Dr_Snooz's picture

Apple lost their marketer in chief. Without Jobs to sell their mediocre crap to chumps, Apple is in serious trouble.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 00:06 | 5239589 OhNo
OhNo's picture

Do they have more battery life than Steve jobs?

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 00:13 | 5239604 thebigunit
thebigunit's picture

So, if standing in line is part of the iPhone experience, why not locate Apple iPhone kiosks in DMV offices so people can leverage their waiting-in-line time?

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 00:31 | 5239626 damicol
damicol's picture

86% of used iphones have evidence of serial ejaculate on them .

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 00:39 | 5239634 laomei
laomei's picture

eh, i have a dual sim phone that supports all 3g and 4g on both slots, memory expansion, easy to root, ir blaster with good support, great camera with adjustable exposure settings, high res screen, 5.5" etc. etc.  it was like $300.  Failing to see what this "apple" thing has going for it other than the ifags who love their locked down pieces of shit with outdated tech.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 01:02 | 5239652 starman
starman's picture

Galaxy Mega! It doubles as a  weapon!

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 02:15 | 5239720 PiratePiggy
PiratePiggy's picture

Here is what I use, and how I use it. No need to use SIRI or GOOGvoice, I can use it "direct"

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuYPOC-gCGA

 

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 17:03 | 5241148 acetinker
acetinker's picture

That was cool PP!  A little perspective from just 3 years before I was born.  By the time I came along, this was 'normal'.

I don't even answer my business lines anymore, everything goes to voicemail.  Also, I smashed my Windows Phone with a hammer about six months ago and never looked back.

Fuck it!  Too much noise!

If I need something I'll find, or make it.  I've got shit to do, and I have neither the time nor the inclination to entertain salespeople or to care what some asshole's cute little kitty is up to.

My main vice is the 'hedge, and I come here to find things like you just posted.  Thank you!

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 02:45 | 5239757 Ohne Deckung
Ohne Deckung's picture

FEATURES

 

Lethal                    Yes                     Yes

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 03:06 | 5239775 JoJoJo
JoJoJo's picture

I like my Samsung Note 3 but way too much Samsung bloatware

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 03:39 | 5239802 barre-de-rire
barre-de-rire's picture

nokia 3210

 

others, fuck you.

 

phone is meant to phone, not to put in gf's cunt  in vibrator mode with i_masturb.apk

 

let 'em electricalize the whole damn daily equipment... nowadays even runners cant run if not monitoring heart pulse... this go over far beyond the limit of the power ressource earth is able to manage.

 

time to ebolaize 40% of humanity.

 

pls, hurry. die.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 11:47 | 5240348 Salsipuedes
Salsipuedes's picture

A well-reasoned, superb idea. You first.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 04:03 | 5239819 MickV
MickV's picture

And they look down at their Chinese slave made IPhone as their Liberty is stolen from them.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 04:05 | 5239820 dreadnaught
dreadnaught's picture

APPLE has announced that its iPhone 6 is "unhackable" by the NSA.....its about time.....

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 04:41 | 5239843 Munkey
Munkey's picture

Too funny. Nice one ZH.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 07:38 | 5239958 I am a Man I am...
I am a Man I am Forty's picture

i like how so many of you dipshits are knocking a handheld computer/phone, the motherfucking world is literally at your fingertips and u gotta problem with it?  fuck off, all of you just fuck off, you bunch of fucking idiots

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 08:43 | 5239993 Bangalore Equit...
Bangalore Equity Trader's picture

Listen Fourty,

We have been watching your comments and have come to the conclusion that you are in the "NEGATIVE" hemisphere of your biPolar disorder.

In the positive hemisphere you rabidly complain about the filth and rot of the world. In the negative hemisphere you joyfully exclaim the virtues of having the "WORLD" at your fingertips.

Please report back to USSA FEMA regional branch to get a booster shot from the "FRIENDLY" CIA agent. You are about to "SEE" the black cat again.
http://matrix.wikia.com/wiki/D%C3%A9j%C3%A0_vu

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 08:46 | 5240050 Last of the Mid...
Last of the Middle Class's picture

Okay, Okay, Okay I've got a stack of iphones every since the first tiny little bastard. I loved them. However, if, as I understand the article apple makes you pay a fee (monthly) in order to bluetooth the iphone 6 to spearkers I'm fucking out of here. Will mail it back and switch. That is just the Wal mart effect of charging a fee for everything you can and I won't do it. It's bad enough Wally world sells the damn things.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 08:59 | 5240071 Mesquite
Mesquite's picture

My latest iteration of the Big Brother phone,

Galaxy SIII, does everything but make toast...

And yes, there was a learning curve...

I notice no one mentions the aircraft function..

Makes the phone go 'dark'.. Handy..

And yes, battery, extra ram, sim card, all user accessable..

At time time of acquisition, also obtained optional easy grip snap over case..

Have dropped it a few times with no damage..

Also must mention: 

DU Battery saver app has useful features..

And DCENTRAL1 by John McAfee is a must have..

Sorry, iPhone..(I used to use one..)

Cheers..

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 15:53 | 5240943 83_vf_1100_c
83_vf_1100_c's picture

  I don't own a cell phone, don't really see the need to pay an extra monthly bill for another widget. The wife otoh is a phone addict and networker. She is not tecnically inclined. Bought her the S3 6 months ago (cheap) and she took to it quickly, it just works and does more than the average person has time/inclination to learn. Replacing a year old phone with the latest iteration is poor judgement economically. My personal rule of tech is buy a generation or two back. I'm thrifty and what was the hot item a year ago is still a damned fine product. If they come out with a smart phone that will slobber on my johnson I may stand in line to buy one. It would be rather bulky to carry around.

  Yes, I'll sometimes snag her phone if I go on a local road trip just in case of a breakdown. Other times I live dangerously and get in the truck and risk it.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 09:03 | 5240087 Bogdog
Bogdog's picture

All you bitchez can suck on my Samsung Note III.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 09:28 | 5240119 Last of the Mid...
Last of the Middle Class's picture

Lol, sure Unhackable by the NSA is a lot like tapering by the FED. This time it's different. Apple just doesn't want to deal with all the legal crap and is saying we're out of it, it's between you personally and the NSA now bud. Sort of like a collander full of water, they plugged one hole and say "see!!! now all better."

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 09:31 | 5240128 Bangalore Equit...
Bangalore Equity Trader's picture

Listen Class,

Take a gander:
http://cryptome.org/2014/09/google-apple-crypto.pdf

Total bullshit just as you "SUSPECT".

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 18:30 | 5241345 Tompooz
Tompooz's picture

Legal crap? Have you see the new 57 page agreement that Apple wants to force on you for the latest iTunes upgrade?

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 09:55 | 5240154 studfinder
studfinder's picture

I still use a CB radio.  Fuck cellphones.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 15:31 | 5240881 Ralph Spoilsport
Ralph Spoilsport's picture

10-9?

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 10:38 | 5240202 22winmag
22winmag's picture

Slave labor inside? Yes/Yes

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 11:01 | 5240250 Bumbu Sauce
Bumbu Sauce's picture

If only Bastiat could see past the window to the mobile phone.  We now live in the mobile phone paradox.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 11:06 | 5240256 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

                                                iPhone 6       Samsung 5s

Party Line (See note)                       Yes                Yes

 

Note: Constantly monitored by the Central NSA Party.

 

 

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 11:43 | 5240338 fishwharf
fishwharf's picture

I bought a smart phone but couldn't figure it out and quickly returned it after I received the first bill.  My Alcatel dumb phone works well enough and only costs $10 per month, with no contract.  I hardly ever use it, and every month more minutes are added.  I currently have 707 minutes unused minutes on it.

Mon, 09/22/2014 - 17:31 | 5240353 Salsipuedes
Salsipuedes's picture

I hear it cooks your huevos ranchero style!

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 14:04 | 5240640 I Write Code
I Write Code's picture

I recently got an S5 as my first smart phone.  I know it's too big, but anything smaller is too small.  They are all goofy and I guess will remain goofy until we have brain implants.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 14:20 | 5240689 DIgnified
DIgnified's picture

My SIII is still ticking.  Put that thing in an otterbox and it's a tank.  Rooted it, removed all unnecessary programs- opened the case, removed the cameras , microphone and GPS components.  POOF!  Great phone, great battery, no prying.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 15:19 | 5240842 mkkby
mkkby's picture

Hey, dipshit.  They still know where you are via tower triangulation.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 15:55 | 5240950 83_vf_1100_c
83_vf_1100_c's picture

  You could point out that fact without being insulting. A neg for your efforts. :-)

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 15:56 | 5240951 Bangalore Equit...
Bangalore Equity Trader's picture

Listen,

"HE'S" good with that, k? It only the bad guys that are worried about geo-loc.

Plus 1 for helping him out.

Sun, 09/21/2014 - 17:16 | 5241177 teslaberry
teslaberry's picture

fuck y'll mother fuckers be hating on iphone cause you jeeealous bitches be h8ing. 

 

if you're getting your rocks off on laughing at morons. maybe you're the moron. 

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