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How To Protect Yourself Against Ebola

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Via The Onion,

This week saw the first confirmed case of Ebola virus within the United States, the latest development in an outbreak that has already claimed over 3,000 lives.

Here are some ways you can protect yourself against this deadly disease:

Boil all bodily fluids before consumption.

 

Regularly examine your DNA under an electron microscope for any indication that Ebola has attached itself to your cell membranes.

 

Recognize the symptoms of Ebola, which include fever, chills, and developing symptoms too late to do anything about them.

 

Cover the nose and mouth of Ebola patients when they sneeze to avoid spreading germs.

 

Avoid eating bat soup, which is actually pretty sound advice whether there’s an ongoing Ebola outbreak or not.

 

Ebola can only be spread once patients are symptomatic, so if you believe you’ve been exposed, get all your errands and public trips out of the way before your symptoms start showing.

 

Be sure to stay up to date on developments by signing up for the official CDC phone tree.

 

Try being born one of the 15 percent of rural Gabonese citizens with natural immunity to the virus.

 

Give billions of dollars to pharmaceutical companies.

 

If you see a suspicious-looking filamentous virus particle roughly one micron in length, stay away.

 

Continue following lifelong plan of avoiding Dallas, TX at all costs.

* * *

Humor? Maybe. But is it any less odd than the government's approach - "Don't worry about it"

 

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Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:29 | 5286515 nope-1004
nope-1004's picture

lmao

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:32 | 5286527 X.inf.capt
X.inf.capt's picture

bugging in...or out

that'll save ya...

 the onion...we are so doomed...

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:40 | 5286553 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

I continue to have visions of Obama as the three monkeys - hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil and keep thinking the damn monkey pox is going to shock the gene pool, wtf.  Plus, there's the movie "12 monkeys" .....

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:48 | 5286589 max2205
max2205's picture

Now you know what the term Eat shit and die means

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:57 | 5286619 Manthong
Manthong's picture

gosh, everybody knows that the only way to inoculate yourself against Obama-olo is to ingest at least 16 ounces of fruit bat semen, and then to lay out on an ice drift off the 57th state with a stranded faggot polar bear and allow the global warming UV to sanitize your soon to CORPZman carcass while you wait for the doctor you  like and the health insurance plan you can keep.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:58 | 5286623 Publicus
Publicus's picture

The only way to save yourself is to increase your capacity to heal.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:03 | 5286638 COSMOS
COSMOS's picture

Smack those mosquitoes before they bite, and preferably not on your skin.

many RNA viruses are transmitted by insects, like Dengue and Yellow Fever for example, members of Flavivirus genus of RNA viruses, so it is not like viruses cant travel up and down the probosces of a mosquito.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:18 | 5286715 Tenshin Headache
Tenshin Headache's picture

That seems a reasonable, if frightening, concern.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:41 | 5286780 jefferson32
jefferson32's picture

A quick recap of my research so far. What to do if you contract the virus:

- Drink regular and large amounts of ORS (Oral Rehydration Solution) as soon as the diarrhea starts; this will prevent you from dying of dehydration before your immune system gets to kill the virus. Vomiting should not deter you from continuing with the ORS (just pause for 5-10 minutes, then carry on). See here.

- Flood (as early as possible) your body with constant high volumes of Vitamin C (20'000 - 500'000 mg per day), either intravenously or orally (liposomal delivery), which was proven to effectively combat any virus infection. It will prevent you from dying of scurvy before your immune system gets to kill the virus. See Linus Pauling and this and this.

And keep in mind:

- If this is indeed a bioterror attack by TBTB (which it likely is), it means there is an easy way to survive it. Vitamin C and rehydration are key.

- It's not actually the virus that kills people per-say, it is dehydration or Vitamin C depletion (scurvy).

- The LAST thing to do (as in, the thing NEVER to do) is to report your illness / go to the hospital/doctor.

- Please don't take my word for it, do your own research.

By following this simple advice you'll most likely survive, and need not worry.

 

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:57 | 5286828 COSMOS
COSMOS's picture

I prefer Living on a Prayer lol... Wasnt there a song....

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 19:11 | 5286875 Leonardo Fibonacci2
Leonardo Fibonacci2's picture

This is the shit Dick ''heartless'' Cheney was talking about!  "this decade will not end before America will face another grave situation of terrorism." Ebola being lab manufactured!!!  The murals at DENVER INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT now make sense!

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 19:25 | 5286911 espirit
espirit's picture

If infected by a known Ebola carrier, infer that you have several hundred million Dollars to invest.  Pass it on to as many Banksters as you can.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 21:39 | 5287257 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

They forget:

Buy power washer & use with reckless abandon cleaning up Ebola victims' vomit while wearing HazMat suit with sleeves rolled up to elbows and open face mask.

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 03:00 | 5287894 Manthong
Manthong's picture

>2500 PSI makes for a really good posterior/internal cleansing  :-)

and oh, gee.. maybe there is some kind of connection between the "mystery virus" and this Obama-olo thing.

Hmm.. O'bamolo.....  maybe even a link to the potato famine?

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 05:51 | 5287996 Supernova Born
Supernova Born's picture

HEY! What happened to the article about Greenspan saying China was hoarding gold and all the comments?

http://www.foreignaffairs.com/articles/142114/alan-greenspan/golden-rule is where the article is but all the amazing ZH stuff GONE! Like the turkey that movie about Ralphie and the BB gun.

It is gone? My comment for my part GONE.

China ;)? You know...them? Putin?

Who owns this place and directs deletions?

Direct me to the board that can discuss who runs Zero Hedge, DO IT QUICK!!!

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 06:00 | 5288008 Supernova Born
Supernova Born's picture

Who owns this place and directs deletions?

Direct me to the board that can discuss who runs Zero Hedge, DO IT QUICK!!!

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 05:59 | 5288013 Nestor Makhno
Nestor Makhno's picture

These are'nt the droids you're looking for.....

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 06:01 | 5288014 Supernova Born
Supernova Born's picture

Engrish not their first language. Check.

Nut up! Quickly! Which interest group?

it seems plain to me.

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 06:05 | 5288017 Supernova Born
Supernova Born's picture

Snowden went from HK to Russia.

Which one owns ZH?

Israel is open season round these parts. It isn't them, IMO.

[yes, this is my personal supernova, adios chingados]

But please give a brother a fucking guess!

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 06:10 | 5288022 Supernova Born
Supernova Born's picture

China, motherfuckers.

The ChiComs own this site, likely invisible to their own.

Tyler is nothing but some (number of) douchebag(s) sucking up to the Central Committee.

 

 

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 06:17 | 5288027 Supernova Born
Supernova Born's picture

Banksterium was my finest moment! Fuck you all (except the good people who are all asleep apparently. Not even one fucking guess?).

Son, I am disappoint (I have always loved that meme).

OUT.

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 08:44 | 5288138 TruthInSunshine
TruthInSunshine's picture

SockPuppet, you such a Slider!

You so FLY.

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 17:08 | 5289260 Cadavre
Cadavre's picture

The things I do to get a comment in on the first page ...

A couple of months back there were stories about nan-silver, a form colloidal silver (no I am not trolling product placements).

Colloidal Silver helps me with sinus infections. It is anti-microbial, but a virus, like ebola, is not a microbe, it's just a strand of entropic DNA wrapped in some kind of sheath. 

There is this PPT alleging the US has tested a nano silver solution and that it does, if the document, all em-blazed with defense department logos, from the Defense Threat Reduction Agency (never heard of DTRA before - DC has more than ebola to worry about, the natives are restless). At DTRT is an index list of ebola related grants and studies

It's difficult to threat between science and marketing these days, it  almost like every researcher is doing shopped instead of "pure" research. And the articles about the silver / ebola stuff always seem to be published on a site that sells the silver remedies. And that information always shows at the top of the search indexes. Have not tried it with Yandex , and the site I frequented for my little quant forays into forward or predictive pricing, SCIRUS.ORG, in no longer around. 

A summary from the article linking to the DTRA silver / ebola  study says this:

The presentation reports on research into the effectiveness of silver nanoparticles in rendering hemorrhagic fever viruses like Ebola ineffective.  The study was carried out using cell cultures, and a number of viruses and virus-like particles.  It seemed to indicate that when the silver nanoparticles penetrated into cells along with the virus in sufficient quantities, they were effective at preventing the virus from being active once the cell had been exposed.

THere were a plethora of index listings saying the US and WHO were going to test the effectiveness of suspended silver against ebola in nigeria. And, on September 14, 2014 The National Science Foundation issued a warning to the author of the cited for the quote above. 

So who are we to believe, the FDA that promotes swinging door policies allowing FDA staff to fetch top drawer jobs at Big Pharma Snake Oil Manufacturers. THE FDA APPROVED TAMOXIFEN FOR CANCER. Later, in pier reviewed studies, the Lancet shreds Tamoxifen concluding that Tamoxifen offered no therapeutic benefit, but did increase the risk of developing several other kinds of cancer (see herehere, and here). Kick backs and rebates explain a lot.

And just as easily as WHO and US were readying to test the suspended silver remedies for ebola, the tests are stopped followed by nay nays. Wondering why, well I was one of the 4 viewers watvching CNBC yesterday when the fabulous furry talking heads announced with some glee it might move markets above the 50 day, that GlaxoSmithKline Plc had developed an Ebola vaccine. It was fast tracked just in the nick of time Wow, were all be saved now, well except for one of many news items couple of years back talking about how a ship full of sailors contracted swine flu after being dosed with an FDA approved H1N1 vaccine.

There's a snake oil carney barker inside of every big pharma exec's soul.


Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:01 | 5286629 El Oregonian
El Oregonian's picture

That's good news!..no, bad?...NO WAIT! Good??? oh I give up... what is it? Aaaahhh GOD!!! That is the answer! It's GOD who saves!!!

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 21:07 | 5287149 CaptainObvious
CaptainObvious's picture

Damn, this was funnier than the article that was supposed to be funny. +1000

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:53 | 5286604 F0ster
F0ster's picture

yeah maybe my boat won't be sinking afterall...

/buging_out

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:07 | 5286657 X.inf.capt
X.inf.capt's picture

GLAD TO SEE SOMEONE ELSE BUILT AN ARK BEFORE IT STARTED RAINING...

#SEEYA!

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:32 | 5286522 Al Huxley
Al Huxley's picture

This is WAY better advice than anything coming out of the CDC (I would add DHS, but since DHS has no business even existing I don't want to acknowledge that they might be saying anything about the outbreak).  Maybe the Onion should be put in charge of controlling this outbreak.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:11 | 5286678 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Do you know what the terror threat alert is right now?  Yellow?  Orange?  I know it never goes below the halfway mark.  

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:15 | 5286705 Tenshin Headache
Tenshin Headache's picture

It's kind of a chartreuse atm.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:19 | 5286717 Al Huxley
Al Huxley's picture

We should always be at LEAST a little edgy.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 20:22 | 5287027 HardlyZero
HardlyZero's picture

Patients are like virus factories producing up to a hundred million virus particles per milliliter of blood, and a patient is unpredictable; a patient could cough, could spit at you, vomit on you, or even become aggressive and attack you.

 

http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Peace/2014/10/03/Top-Ebola-Virologist-Liberia-s-Airport-Checks-Useless-a-Disaster-Due-to-Lack-of-Training

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 04:17 | 5287931 Sudden Debt
Sudden Debt's picture

FI EAT MY BAT SOUP WHENEVER I WANT!!! YOU CAN'T STOP ME!!!

But I'll keep a eye out for filamous viruses and I'll warn you if I see any...

Sound advise...

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:32 | 5286533 stinkhammer
stinkhammer's picture

EBOLA - AN UNPLEASANT WAY TO DIE.

Call President Obola (202) 456-1111 - demand we stop all flights & travel from AFRICA.

Copied without permission from _The Hot Zone_, by Richard Preston.

Ebola Zaire attacks every organ and tissue in the human body except skeletal muscle and bone. It is a perfect parasite because it transforms virtually every part of the body into a digested slime of virus particles. The seven mysterious proteins that, assembled together, make up the Ebola-virus particle, work as a relentless machine, a molecular shark, and they consume the body as the virus makes copies of itself. Small blood clots begin to appear in the bloodstream, and the blood thickens and slows, and clots begin to stick to the walls of blood vessels. This is known as pavementing, because the clots fit together in a mosaic. The mosaic thickens and throws more clots, and the clots drift through the bloodstream into the small capillaries, where they get stuck. This shuts off the blood supply to various parts of the body, causing dead spots to appear in the brain, liver, kidneys, lungs, intestines, testicles, breast tissue (of men as well as women), and all through the skin. The skin develops red spots, called petechiae, which are hemorrhages under the skin. Ebola attacks connective tissue with particular ferocity; it multiplies in collegen, the chief constituent protein of the tissue that holds the organs together. (The seven Ebola proteins somehow chew up the body's structural proteins.) In this way, collagen in the body turns to mush, and the under layers of the skin die and liquefy. The skin bubbles up into a sea of tiny white blisters mixed with red spots known as a maculopapular rash. This rash has been likened to tapioca pudding. Spontaneous rips appear in the skin, and hemmoraghic blood pours from the rips. The red spots on the skin grow and spread and merge to become huge, spontaneous bruises, and the skin goes soft and pulpy, and can tear off if it is touched with any kind of pressure. Your mouth bleeds, and you bleed around your teeth, and you may have hemorrhages from the salivary glands -- literally every opening in the body bleeds, no matter how small. The surface if the tongue turns brilliant red and the sloughs off, and is swallowed or spat out. It is said to be extraordinarily painful to lose the surface of one's tongue. The tongue's skin may be torn off during rushes of the black vomit. The back of the throat and the lining of the wind pipe may also slough off, and the dead tissue slides down the windpipe into the lungs or is coughed up with sputum. Your heart bleeds into itself; the heart muscle softens and has hemorrhages into its chambers, and blood squeezes out of the heart muscle as the heart beats, and it floods the chest cavity.

The brain becomes clogged with dead blood cells, a conditions known as sludging of the brain. Ebola attacks the lining of the eyeball, and the eyeballs may fill up with blood: you may go blind. Droplets of blood stand out on the eyelids: you may weep blood. The blood runs from your eyes down your cheeks and refuses to coagulate. You may have a hemispherical stroke, in which one whole side of the body is paralyzed, which is invariably fatal in a case of Ebola. Even while the body's internal organs are becoming plugged with coagulated blood, the blood that streams out of the body cannot clot; it resembles whey being squeezed out of curds. The blood has been stripped of its clotting factors. If you put the runny Ebola blood in a test tube and look at it, you see that the blood is destroyed. Its red cells are broken and dead. The blood looks as if it has been buzzed in an electric blender.

Ebola kills a great deal of tissue while the host is still alive. It triggers a creeping, spotty necrosis that spreads through all the internal organs. The liver bulges up and turns yellow, begins to liquefy, and then it cracks apart. The cracks run across the liver and deep inside it, and the liver completely dies and goes putrid. The kidneys becomes jammed with blood clots and dead cells, and cease functioning. As the kidneys fail, the blood becomes toxic with urine. The spleen turns into a single huge, hard blood clot the size of a baseball. The intestines may fill up completely with blood. The lining of the gut dies and sloughs off into the bowels and is defecated along with large amounts of blood. In men, the testicles bloat up and turns black-and-blue, the semen goes hot with Ebola, and the nipples may bleed. In women, the labia turn blue, livid, and protrusive, and there may be massive vaginal bleeding. The virus is a catastrophe for a pregnant woman: the child is aborted spontaneously and is usually infected with Ebola virus, born with red eyes and a bloody nose.

Ebola destroys the brain more thoroughly than does Marburg, and Ebola victims often go into epileptic convulsions during the final stage. The convulsions are generalized grand mal seizures -- the whole body twitches and shakes, the arms and legs thrash around, and the eyes, sometimes bloody, roll up into the head. The tremors and convulsions of the patient may smear or splatter blood around. Possibly this epileptic splashing of blood is one of Ebola's strategies for success -- it makes the victim go into a flurry of seizures as he dies, spreading blood all over the place, thus giving the virus a chance to jump to a new host -- a kind of transmission through smearing.

Ebola (and Marburg) multiplies so rapidly and powerfully that the body's infected cells become crystal-like blocks of packed virus particles. These crystal are broods of virus getting ready to hatch from the cell. They are known as bricks. The bricks, or crystals, first appear near the center of the cell and then migrate towards the surface. As a crystal reaches a cell wall, it disintegrates into hundreds of individual virus particles, and the broodlings push through the cell wall like hair and float away in the bloodstream of the host. The hatched Ebola particles cling to cells everywhere in the body, and get inside them, and continue to multiply. It keeps on multiplying until areas of tissue all through the body are filled with crystalloids, which hatch, and more Ebola particles drift into the bloodstream, and the amplification continues inexorably until a droplet of the hosts blood can contain a hundred million individual particles.

After death, the cadaver suddenly deteriorates: the internal organs, having been dead or partially dead for days, have already begun to dissolve, and a sort of shock-related meltdown occurs. The corpse's connective tissue, skin, and organs, already peppered with dead spots, heated by fever, and damaged by shock, begin to liquefy, and the fluids that leak from the cadaver are saturated with Ebola-virus particles.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:36 | 5286542 willwork4food
willwork4food's picture

Jesus.

I need a drink.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:50 | 5286594 max2205
max2205's picture

There goes the ass to mouth porn.....

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:00 | 5286630 Kassandra
Kassandra's picture

I'll never eat tapioca again..ever.

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 00:42 | 5287758 IndyPat
IndyPat's picture

Or bat kabobs.

Damn.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:39 | 5286550 cpnscarlet
cpnscarlet's picture

And they say there's no proof for intelligent design.

FOR THE THEISTS - God calls dibs on justice.

FOR THE ATHEISTS - The monolith just revoked our charter.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:33 | 5286760 ersatz007
ersatz007's picture

Isn't Ebola a man made thing? If so sounds more like unintelligent design

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 11:15 | 5288416 Keyser
Keyser's picture

What do you expect from a species that once they discover nuclear energy, they make a bomb... 

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:40 | 5286552 J in Vegas
J in Vegas's picture

Holy shit! What a nasty way to die!

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:46 | 5286574 MillionDollarBogus_
MillionDollarBogus_'s picture

...not if you live in Las Vegas...

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:42 | 5286567 WhackoWarner
WhackoWarner's picture

I can see a Hollywood movie script in here. 

OR a new Reality series.

 

 

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:46 | 5286575 X.inf.capt
X.inf.capt's picture

'SURVIVOR...EBOLA'

which is better than..

SURVIVOR...ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:57 | 5286618 FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

The Walking Dead Reality Show, coming to a city near you soon.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:02 | 5286640 HelluvaEngineer
HelluvaEngineer's picture

I'd prefer the zombies, honestly.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:07 | 5286658 WhackoWarner
WhackoWarner's picture

I was kidding in a very black humour way however,  my partner works in the film industry and this was "bounced around" in the last 2 days.  Not kidding at all.

 

Now I need a drink.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 19:14 | 5286883 divide_by_zero
divide_by_zero's picture

Eugenics crowd needs more virus hosts to bring back, project not moving along fast enough

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:48 | 5286587 pot_and_kettle
pot_and_kettle's picture

Hey Stink - what...no fucking pictures?

My God....

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:48 | 5286588 modric
modric's picture

A bit like the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy throws the water on her.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:33 | 5286684 Tenshin Headache
Tenshin Headache's picture

That last thing, everything liquifying? That doesn't happen. Preston took some artistic license.

However, it is a painful and unpleasant way to die.

 

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:28 | 5286741 Overdrawn
Overdrawn's picture

And here's me thinking Ebola was something serious, thanks for the clarification, obviously the authorities knew this all along and that's why they are not too concerned about it spreading.

Sun, 10/05/2014 - 19:49 | 5292285 nuke ISIS now
nuke ISIS now's picture

Hello, Mr. Dimon, I want to personally thank you for my $4.32 settlement payment for "mortgage abuses",

I am thinking I could just drop by your office and liquify, during my seizure and blood smearing stage, what say you bub?

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:37 | 5286540 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

if there is a major outbreak in the usa i hope those maggots at the cdc are the first to go

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:47 | 5286579 kowalli
kowalli's picture

good way to die - go to cdc

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:04 | 5286642 Al Huxley
Al Huxley's picture

Pop a bunch of aspirin and drop in on Wall Street, just wait casually in the lobby, lick the door handles and turnstiles in the security gates, shake hands with people, backslap, leave used kleenex around, whatever.  Or maybe take a trip up to the Hamptons, hang with the locals, use public restrooms....

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:14 | 5286692 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

"lick the door handles and turnstiles in the security gates"

I know just the guy for that job.  Fonestar.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:48 | 5286798 Berspankme
Berspankme's picture

Go to DC and repeat

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:53 | 5286600 Evil Bugeyes
Evil Bugeyes's picture

They have 160,000 hazmat suits and tons of stockpiled drugs. They are the only ones who are sure to be untouched.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:58 | 5286607 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

those suits ain't gonna do shit. every sick doctor and nurse was wearing one. that reporter was wearing one. a quote: “At one point he was trying to help decontaminate a car. He had most of the protective gear on, but he thinks something might have splashed on his body at that point. That’s one possibility, but really, one doesn’t know fully,” Diana said...

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:02 | 5286643 kowalli
kowalli's picture

THis ebola v.2. airborn but they don't admit it. They need to sleep in this suits...

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:18 | 5286713 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

i just heard that 150 people PER DAY enter the usa from west africa. 150 PER FREAKING DAY!

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:42 | 5286779 Uber Vandal
Fri, 10/03/2014 - 19:30 | 5286917 espirit
espirit's picture

The suits only weigh 2 pounds, not thick enough for repeated decontamination procedures.

These are 'run as fast as you can' suits.

 

<should have an orange bullseye on the back>

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 20:10 | 5286999 snr-moment
snr-moment's picture

Which explains why O'bozo won't stop the flights.

 

Infected, not infected, it's all good.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:49 | 5286800 Sid James
Sid James's picture

He risked his life to decontaminate a 1974 Nissan Sunny. I hope it was worth it.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 21:21 | 5287201 duck dodgers
duck dodgers's picture

And thats if they dont already have a cure for thier "patented" disease.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:39 | 5286549 Barnaby
Barnaby's picture

Way to avoid Ebola #12: Stop having sex with infected fruit bats before you eat them.

The CDC has determined your gastric juices will kill the virus, while the epithelial cells of your urethra may not. If you must have sex with a bat, please wear protection, as it is no longer your life at stake.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:41 | 5286562 Rockfish
Rockfish's picture

Stock up and prepare to shelter in place for 6 months. 

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:10 | 5286667 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Meh.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 19:34 | 5286920 espirit
espirit's picture

I'll double your Meh, and call you.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 20:09 | 5286997 HardlyZero
HardlyZero's picture

Newton did it (some say for 5 years)...and we got Calculus and Physics.   Maybe with the internet (as long as some bots keep it going)...but otherwise its not good.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plague_doctor

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isaac_Newton

In June 1661, he was admitted to Trinity College, Cambridge, on the recommendation of his uncle Rev William Ayscough. He started as a subsizar—paying his way by performing valet's duties—until he was awarded a scholarship in 1664, which guaranteed him four more years until he would get his M.A.[16] At that time, the college's teachings were based on those of Aristotle, whom Newton supplemented with modern philosophers such as Descartes, and astronomers such as Galileo and Thomas Street, through whom he learned of Kepler's work. He set down in his notebook a series of 'Quaestiones' about mechanical philosophy as he found it. In 1665, he discovered the generalised binomial theorem and began to develop a mathematical theory that later became calculus. Soon after Newton had obtained his B.A. degree in August 1665, the university temporarily closed as a precaution against the Great Plague

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:43 | 5286570 Milton Freewater
Milton Freewater's picture

You should also put bread bags on your feet.

 

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:55 | 5286609 F.A. Hayek
F.A. Hayek's picture

Howard Hughes was onto something. Also don't take any visitors, cut your fingernails or hair or wear any clothing. Remain a recluse for a year, repeat 30 more times.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 19:00 | 5286840 83_vf_1100_c
83_vf_1100_c's picture

Howard did not die of ebola so I suppose that qualifies as supprting evidence of your theory.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:44 | 5286571 DirkDiggler11
DirkDiggler11's picture

Tip # 1 - Buy a bubble

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:58 | 5286836 d_senti
d_senti's picture

Well, the Fed will be fine then...

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:50 | 5286593 Zeolite
Zeolite's picture

Ebola can be stopped by keeping your body highly alkaline and taking specific things that target the virus and stop it's replication: http://www.thehealingfrequency.com/ebola-virus-outbreak-can/

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:14 | 5286693 Virginian
Virginian's picture

Everyone knows that you knucklehead!

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:14 | 5286697 IndyPat
IndyPat's picture

Fuck. All.That.

I'm going with extremely high blood alcohol levels if this shit hits me. Heroic levels.

Then I'm visiting all the local government agencies, city/state/fed within a 200 mile radius, seeking help, of course.
Actively and up close like.

This ship won't go down alone.

Promise.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 19:18 | 5286892 DirkDiggler11
DirkDiggler11's picture

Would you please include a visit to the White House and Wall Street on your Ebola visitation list ?

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 19:43 | 5286938 RaceToTheBottom
RaceToTheBottom's picture

I always drank on planes anyway, but now I am going to double the drinking amounts and start rubbing my face with hard alcohol and gargling with it while on the planes as well.

I expect to be very popular with my traveling companions...

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 20:12 | 5287005 HardlyZero
HardlyZero's picture

Bottom's up !  

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 21:17 | 5287186 CaptainObvious
CaptainObvious's picture

I will go with you, provided we can stop by Corzine's house on the way and spit on his dinner.

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 00:31 | 5287733 Xanadu_doo
Xanadu_doo's picture

"Fuck. All.That.

I'm going with extremely high blood alcohol levels if this shit hits me. Heroic levels."

 

+1,000

Xanadu_Doo agrees and is two steps ahead of you.

WOOT - WOOT

 

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:52 | 5286598 F.A. Hayek
F.A. Hayek's picture

Everyone chill. This is nothing an MRAP and a US school district owned drone can't solve.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:54 | 5286606 falconflight
falconflight's picture

I have a far FAR greater risk of being beaten and kicked to death in any black urban neighborhood than contracting Ebolia EVER.  Oh, don't forget that the polling indicates that 78% of Merikans support Obama's bombing of Syria.

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 10:11 | 5288273 massbytes
massbytes's picture

No kidding about that 78%.  Some of my left of the left friends are frothing over this one.  When I point out this isn't any different than the Bush wars...they just don't get it.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 17:55 | 5286614 Bill of Rights
Bill of Rights's picture

Remember kids always wear a condom.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:08 | 5286665 Whoa Dammit
Whoa Dammit's picture

Additional Tip:

Wash your scissors frequently and avoid touching your eyes, nose, or mouth with the sharp scissor points.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:11 | 5286673 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

The Onion for the win.

At least they have a publically stated approach that doesn't sound like CYA bullshit.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:49 | 5286689 Fuku Ben
Fuku Ben's picture

When any sheep on the awakening fence needs a kick in the head just give them this comparison now that they can foresee their impending death in America...

1. The US Government says that you, as a citizen, are not free to travel and must give up your rights and submit to sexual assault for your safety in order to have this right whenever they deem it necessary

2. The US government also says Ebola is free to travel as unchecked baggage on anyone coming into your country to kill you and that they are powerless to restrict its right to travel

Ebola is virus and some strains have been patented by the government*. You are allegedly a valuable human resource and asset of the corporate government. The government is granting the virus more freedom and rights than you. And they are treating it as having more value than you.

Are you f*cking awake yet you stupid moron?

(FYI: Make the insult as customized and personally offensive as possible in order to force them to slam the last vestiges of their cognitive dissonance through the wall and break on through to the other side)

*http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2014-10-02/payrolls-preview-goldman-warns-...

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:14 | 5286695 WhackoWarner
WhackoWarner's picture

If this version fails they will find another.

Please. (drink #2 and I see suspicious behavior everywhere now.)  I think my cat just brought in a mouse plus I live on a bat freeway.

My cats used to sit on top of my Camaro and catch bats;  bring them in an let them go in my bedroom for "playtime".  At 2 am or so.  Fun fun.  No more bat soup for me.

Are my cats "assets"?

 

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 07:26 | 5288078 prymythirdeye
prymythirdeye's picture

+1 for having a Camaro

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 23:35 | 5290056 Ginsengbull
Ginsengbull's picture

That would depend on what year.

 

Old ones were awesome.

 

Any with the sideways 6 cylinder engines, not so much.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:16 | 5286701 db51
db51's picture

The good news is:   I no longer will have to take a Baby Asprin 2x Daily.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:19 | 5286718 himaroid
himaroid's picture

It will be easy to piss people off this halloween. O boy!

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:25 | 5286733 falconflight
falconflight's picture

Hey,  a pretty fair percentage of public rest room visitors don't wash their hands, and I'm gonna get myself twisted into a knot over this?

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:59 | 5286834 besnook
besnook's picture

my pecker is a lot more cleaner than anything else in a public restroom. that is the only thing i am touching in a public restroom. i know where my pecker has been. your's is another matter and you just touched the sink, faucet, flush handle, counter, towel dispenser and the door.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 19:23 | 5286905 The Joker
The Joker's picture

BINGO!  I've always thought the same thing.

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 23:32 | 5290051 Ginsengbull
Ginsengbull's picture

I wash my hands before I piss.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:31 | 5286751 limacon
limacon's picture

Sound advice from ZH
You might also consider
Official (?)

http://www.washingtonsblog.com/2014/10/center-infectious-disease-researc...

The time to panic is before the Titanic has left the harbour .See

http://andreswhy.blogspot.com/2014/08/ebola-friendly-reaper_6.html

If the Triffids don't get you, Ebola will : seehttp://andreswhy.blogspot.com/2014/08/deader-guide-to-ebola.html

Plants have been breeding humans . See

http://andreswhy.blogspot.com/2011/05/ebola-and-chocolate.html

Further examples of the Plant-Herbivore Wars :

http://andreswhy.blogspot.com/2011/04/garlic-and-plant-herbivore-wars.html

http://andreswhy.blogspot.com/2013/07/rabies-alzheimers-and-formic-acid.... Notice the cute trick to penetrate skin barriers . Reminiscent of hemorrhagic diseases like Ebola and Especially SuperEbola .

SuperEbola is Ebola on steroids , then add some . The Fifth Horseman on a Harley ! : see

http://andreswhy.blogspot.com/2013/01/training-immune-system.html

for the desperate . : See

http://andreswhy.blogspot.com/2006/03/training-immune.html

Good luck !

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 21:19 | 5287195 CaptainObvious
CaptainObvious's picture

Christ, yet another blog pimp.  Why doncha pay Google for some visibility, you cheap mother fucker.

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 07:23 | 5288075 prymythirdeye
prymythirdeye's picture

One link, ok but you're a shameless whore.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:50 | 5286805 q99x2
q99x2's picture

Morality of people already financially repressed is at a low. Not good to have banksters placed above the law. In case anyone needs to know the names of the most criminal bankers that have stolen the most from the human race, taken over the United States of America and turned the world to shit they are Loyd Blankfein, the Rothschild's and Jamie Dimon.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:57 | 5286824 Sid James
Sid James's picture

Those 4000 troops might be of more use in Dallas right now.

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 16:17 | 5289124 geno-econ
geno-econ's picture

How do you keep those 4,000 troops from dating those young and pretty Liberian girls  ?   Send in the Secret Service ! 

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 18:57 | 5286826 Mi Naem
Mi Naem's picture

Aw c'mon, this has to be an Onion article or somethin'. 

Oh, wait, this time it actually is! 

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 19:03 | 5286855 adr
adr's picture

I wish they would stop with the 3000 killed lie. The WHO has already stated in thier own reports that the deaths have already surpassed 20k when accounting for underreporting. The 2000 deaths are the ones that have been catalogued.

True deaths may already be close to 50k. I don't think anyone has volunteered to count bloody skeletons on the street.

Can we neutron bomb Africa already? The continent that supposedly birthed the human race was always going to kill it. That is why the smart ones left.

 

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 19:11 | 5286873 Tenshin Headache
Tenshin Headache's picture

I don't recall WHO stating that. Link?

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 19:15 | 5286888 divide_by_zero
divide_by_zero's picture

Obama brings in Enterovirus in by train from the open border to the South and Ebola gets air mailed in.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 19:18 | 5286890 WhackoWarner
Sat, 10/04/2014 - 07:21 | 5288071 prymythirdeye
prymythirdeye's picture

Again, a big head scratcher on the down votes.  Who knows what the truth is but I appreciate you sharing this.  Just another angle to the story.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 19:39 | 5286930 RaceToTheBottom
RaceToTheBottom's picture

Thanks for the info about the 15% of the Gabonese that have a natural resistance.

Any DRs or otheres know how easy that is to use to create solutions for the non Gabonese?

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 20:20 | 5287024 Atomizer
Atomizer's picture

Whatever happens in Obama's mud flaps, stays in his mud flaps. 

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 20:28 | 5287038 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

I got an email from a Nigerian witchdoctor who claims he can cure Ebola virtually through the internet and his cousin has $20 million and he's anxious to park it in a US savings account...Anybody interested?....

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 21:17 | 5289805 are we there yet
are we there yet's picture

Write him back and say you are the american zmap distributor, and that he can send you money for an unlimited supply of zmap.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 20:37 | 5287061 Wilcox1
Wilcox1's picture

Seems easy enough. What's all the fuss about?

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 21:12 | 5287167 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture

When President Obama appears at his next presser dressed in a hazmat suit with a gas mask telling us that there's nothing to fear but fear itself, I will finally relax.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 21:16 | 5287187 AurorusBorealus
AurorusBorealus's picture

I just watched a portion of that "press-conference."  Typical Washington DC condescending arrogance.  Every time there is any shudder in U.S. confidence, any hint of criticism of Washington, the line is always the same, "We are the experts.  We know exactly what we are doing.  The U.S. has the greatest ____________ (fill in the blank with whatever is appropriate: military, healthcare system, human rights record, per capita number of attractive people, etc.) in the history of world."

I worked in U.S. healthcare in administration.  I have also seen, firsthand, how the healthcare system functions in Latin America.  Here is the plain, simple truth.  A lethal, contagious, incurable virus does not care how many MRI machines per capita a nation has.  A lethal, contagious, untreatable virus does not care how many operating rooms per capita your nation has; it does not care how well-paid your physicians and nurses are; it does not care how many books or computers are in the libraries of your medical schools; it does not care what the market cap of Phizer is; it does not care how many pharmacies are in your city; it does not care how many bureaucrats sit in offices in your capital pondering deep thoughts between internet romps through porn sites; it does not care how automated your medical records system is: how thorough your patient health history records are (because it is lethal and no other medical history matters); it does not care how many people your national website enrolled in government-subsidized health-insurance plans; it does not care how many respirators your local medical center has; it does not care how many labs confirm it exists 5 days after someone has become contagious; and it does not care what some idiot in your capital says.

The only thing that matters to a lethal, contagious virus are hygiene and isolation from contact.  If anyone in the U.S. thinks that Detroit, Philadelphia, Gary, IN, Los Angeles, Brooklyn, NY, South Chicago, Camden, NJ, or any large U:S. city, really, are any less susceptible to communicable disease outbreaks than any other city in the world, they are sadly and sorely mistaken.  Ebola does not care if you have the greatest number of beautiful people the world has ever known.  They will bleed out of every orifice, the same as anyone else with this disease.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 21:23 | 5287208 CaptainObvious
CaptainObvious's picture

+100

The only thing that makes us different from the West Africans is that we don't have elaborate burial rituals that require us to handle the dead bodies.  Here, we pay people to do that for us.  Wouldn't it suck to be a mortician right now?

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 01:03 | 5287793 IndyPat
IndyPat's picture

Not really.

They will cremate your loved one back channel and sell you and empty coffin to bury.

Biggest scam profession after money changers and used car sales.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 22:28 | 5287430 americanspirit
americanspirit's picture

Now that's something I would pay real money to see - beautiful people bleeding out of every orifice. And I would pay double to see politicians and bankers doing the same act.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 23:22 | 5287578 AurorusBorealus
AurorusBorealus's picture

Be careful what you wish for.

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 02:15 | 5287871 Aussiekiwi
Aussiekiwi's picture

Clearly a Nobel peace prize winning politician needs to talk to this virus about american power and set down a red line.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 22:25 | 5287418 americanspirit
americanspirit's picture

Whatever happened to "put your face between your legs and kiss your (bleeding) ass goodbye". Then quick - go donate some body fluids to as many politicians and a bankers as you can find.

Fri, 10/03/2014 - 23:12 | 5287551 Usura
Usura's picture

Lets dust off and nuke the site from orbit.  It sthe only way to be sure.

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 14:46 | 5288865 e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

Dallas? I'm not sure that would change much.

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 21:41 | 5289864 Arthur Schopenhauer
Arthur Schopenhauer's picture

Lets drop the nuke from the Ebola Gay

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 23:25 | 5290041 Ginsengbull
Ginsengbull's picture

We should take the seed bank, and a male and female of each animal.

 

Don't bring any mosquitos this time.

 

And if anyone objects to pigs, why did Noah put up with their porcine behavior on the Ark?

Sun, 10/05/2014 - 08:09 | 5290360 1Inthebeginning
1Inthebeginning's picture

tptb are a little ahead of you. norway seed bank: http://www.globalresearch.ca/doomsday-seed-vault-in-the-arctic-2/23503

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 02:25 | 5287879 AchtungAffen
AchtungAffen's picture

Duct tape and vinyl foil on windows' scare in 3...2...1...

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 06:22 | 5288033 exartizo
exartizo's picture

roflmao.

nice.

very nice Tyler(s).

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 15:05 | 5288917 Goldilocks
Goldilocks's picture

First Case of Ebola HERE & Proof Bill Gates Wants to Use it as Depopulation Agent
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ec4uvUn-7s (20:33)

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 16:14 | 5289113 Bunga Bunga
Bunga Bunga's picture

HOW TO GET EBOLA THE EASIEST WAY


- reside in a third world country, e.g. USA
- lobby for the monopoly of the health insurance industry

- lobby for the monopoly of the pharmaceutical industry

- lobby for bad education of masses

- lobby for moar bureaucracy

- give power to the incompetent

- stay in the 99% of the population

 

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 19:25 | 5289578 Last of the Mid...
Last of the Middle Class's picture

There once was a woman with ebola

who like bats fried in canola

Along came a vaccine 

her language was obscne

as she shit her liver out her asshola!

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 19:32 | 5289593 Last of the Mid...
Last of the Middle Class's picture

and for all you ladies out there, no BJ's. Virus is in semen for up to 90 days. Or if you do, make sure you swallow so your stomach acid will kill the little buggers off.

Sat, 10/04/2014 - 23:40 | 5290063 Ginsengbull
Ginsengbull's picture

But there's good news!

 

Urban mothers will finally begin instructing their offspring to not piss on the stairs.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!