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Friday Humor: How Ebola Quarantine Works

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Remember, it's for your own good...

 

 

Source: The Onion

 

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Fri, 10/31/2014 - 15:51 | 5399542 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Just as long as the patient BTFD we are ok.  

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 15:54 | 5399549 nuclearsquid
nuclearsquid's picture

Wow! I haven't been to the Onion for almost 10 years.  either their humor has suffered or my tastes have changed.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 15:56 | 5399557 Latina Lover
Latina Lover's picture

America's horror election:

 

EBOLA/Hillary 2016

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 15:57 | 5399561 kowalli
kowalli's picture

i prefer ebola

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:06 | 5399595 Latina Lover
Latina Lover's picture

EBOLA: Happy Hallowe'en from your satanist government at work.

 

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:08 | 5399600 benb
benb's picture

I know. It's almost beyond fucking belief that they are such vicious a-holes... but here we are...

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:16 | 5399631 0b1knob
0b1knob's picture

No clipboards?  How can the nurses and doctors be safe if they don't even have CLIPBOARDS?

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 17:28 | 5399799 Possible Impact
Possible Impact's picture

Clipendectomy isn't just in Africa nowadays...

The ritual removal of sensitive data is increasingly popular in America.

 

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 19:05 | 5400029 Tyranny is Love
Tyranny is Love's picture

I don't know if its just me but the photos of that nurse going for a bike ride and the pizza being delivered to the front door remind me of Sandy Hook.

Photos of her and the boy friend seem wrong somehow. Staged maybe?

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2814208/Quarantined-Ebola-nurse-defies-orders-stay-home-goes-bike-ride-boyfriend.html

I'm thinking a Psyop by some group that wants, for now, to discredit quarantines.

 

Either that or they want infected pers to be able to move freely. You can only get Ebola if you come in contact with an infected person. 3-10 feet in aerosolized form and much further if temp below 45 Deg F (7.2 deg C) according to an Army study.

 

Ebola can be stopped if you Quarantine people that have come in contact with the virus, Isolate anyone who has the virus (you don’t even need labs just isolate once symptoms present, thought testing is better). Bury the dead following strict protocols. (Or burn the body). Even Nigeria can do it.

 

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:55 | 5399740 Karaio
Karaio's picture

Eu também!

:-)

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 15:58 | 5399559 FuzzyDunlop21
FuzzyDunlop21's picture

I laughed but slaughterer made me laugh more

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 15:57 | 5399564 HedgeHammer
HedgeHammer's picture

Where's the XBOX!! I'm outta here.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 18:54 | 5400006 Silver Garbage Man
Silver Garbage Man's picture

Yeah, I could have smoked a big fatty and done way better than that.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:40 | 5399700 debtor of last ...
debtor of last resort's picture

When Abe sneezes, Yellen gets a cold. Those droplets travel 5000 miles.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 17:31 | 5399811 viahj
viahj's picture

on cesium wings

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 18:00 | 5399881 HardlyZero
HardlyZero's picture

If the Ebola patient can arrange airfare and car rental to Fukushima, and then crawl inside the confinement, the blue glow will eradicate the virus GUARANTEED SAFE and SANE by TEPCO.

A new profit center !

(disclaimer: the patient may lose some life).

Sat, 11/01/2014 - 09:10 | 5401314 PT
PT's picture

... but could gain some super powers.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 19:33 | 5400103 drendebe10
drendebe10's picture

Is that liar in chief obamy in that bed?

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 15:52 | 5399547 knukles
knukles's picture

How come nobody else is getting sick?

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 15:58 | 5399560 Silver Bullet
Silver Bullet's picture

Because contrary to what many cowards in America think, if you live in the first world and don't hang out in Ebola wards, the disease is practically impossible to catch.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:06 | 5399591 benb
benb's picture

Because CDC crews are whisking them off as they come over the Southern border and they are being disappeared from hospitals with no paperwork. Wait until after the election then we'll see. Also it may not be Ebola but a CIA bio-attack using a simulant. There also is a question whether they are using crisis actors. The supposedly infected NY doctor's girlfriend said she doesn't know who the guy in the news is... cause it isn't the guy she was dating...

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:08 | 5399598 Silver Bullet
Silver Bullet's picture

I'll reply as I just did to someone else, do you actually believe what you just typed?

What you think Obama is scamming everyone to make sure Mitch McConnell and Pat Roberts lose on Tuesday?

Christ.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:12 | 5399621 benb
benb's picture

Turn off your TV and get informed. Obama is a puppet. This is a CIA op... if you don't know that you're just talking out your brainwashed butt.

again -

http://www.infowars.com/bio-weapons-expert-ebola-outbreak-is-a-bio-weapon-release/

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:18 | 5399638 Silver Bullet
Silver Bullet's picture

Ohhhhhhhhhh...an infowars link. Thank you!!!

What, couldn't find any insane youtube videos?

By the way, I don't own a tv.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:26 | 5399665 benb
benb's picture

That is a link to an interview with Dr. Francis Boyle, the man who wrote the 1989 Bio-weapons Treaty and he knows his stuff. As far as poo poo-ing an InfoWars link, go back in your hole.

Infowars is one of only a handful of reliable news organizations left. The lying Globalist criminals have all their shills attacking Drudge, InfoWars, etc for a reason.

Sorry to hear they got to you.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:38 | 5399695 Silver Bullet
Silver Bullet's picture

Uhh. I don't live underground.

I'm guessing by some of your opionins that you do. What they call you guys....Preppers or some such shit?

I've been here since the beginning.

Oh, and I'm sure the "Globalists" are out to get Matt Drudge.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 19:58 | 5400202 Borrow Owl
Borrow Owl's picture

 

 

"Uhh. I don't live underground."

Translation:

The water table is too high for a basement where I live, so I just sack out on a $24.95 made-in-China air mattress in my parents garage.

 

"What they call you guys....Preppers or some such shit"

Translation:

I'm too busy wanking off in momma's garage while trolling the smart folks to ever, ever think about shit more than 10 or 15 minutes into the future.

 

"I've been here since the beginning"

Well ain't that fucking special.

Do your handlers pay you well for the things that you do?

Or are you so fucking stupid that you do it for free?

 

 

 

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 22:47 | 5400704 benb
benb's picture

And then there's the 'other' reason I read the comments at Z/H... thanks for the laugh.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:21 | 5399648 LikeyMikey
LikeyMikey's picture

read history and think much much much broader and bigger and MAYBE you will come to the right conclusion of what "could" be happening....

Question for you is "name ONE THING that has been done correctly by this administration reagarding the Ebola situation!"

 

Next question....  if a person wanted to bypass an election in 2 years....  do you think that a massive quarantine could cause a vote to be cancelled or postponed indefinitely?

 

Do you know WHY the Spanish flu in 1918 was NAMED the Spanish FLU?       

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:27 | 5399671 Elliott Eldrich
Elliott Eldrich's picture

I just looked that up, and was surprised at what I found. Apparently, as that flu outbreak got rolling, wartime censors in Germany, England, France and the US minimized any news of it for "morale" reasons, while the press in Spain was free to report on it. This created the mistaken impression that Spain was especially hard hit, hence the name "Spanish flu." What that could possibly mean as far as an ebola outbreak here in the US, um... uh oh...

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 23:07 | 5400767 benb
benb's picture

Do you know WHY the Spanish flu in 1918 was NAMED the Spanish FLU?      

The low-down from my research years ago on the 1918 Spanish Flu was that it actually began with U.S. soldiers being inoculated with a vaccine at Fort Riley Kansas immediately prior to being shipped overseas. Some people have advanced the argument that it was not the flu at all but a form of the Pneumonic plague.

 

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:50 | 5399725 Yankee.go.home
Yankee.go.home's picture

You lost me at Southern border.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 23:22 | 5400809 benb
benb's picture

You may have been lost even before that.

Witnesses have reported groups of white CDC vans at the border carrying guys in HAS-MAT suits who are grabbing individuals as they cross and whisking them off to places unknown. Everyone in the Federal Gov aren't bad guys... but the top is for sure.

There is a huge cover-up going on.

Sat, 11/01/2014 - 09:44 | 5401355 11b40
11b40's picture

Paranoid much? How about some links to all this secret info you seem to have.

Sat, 11/01/2014 - 13:35 | 5401762 benb
benb's picture

Paranoid much?

Nothing like an uniformed imbecile to parrot a comment he got out of a can.

There is a news blackout on the situation. I have referred to sources in my above comments including the Dr. Francis Boyle interview. InfoWars and Drudge have reported some of this. The CDC interceptions at the southern border were reported by InfoWars from a confirmed senior Border Patrol person. The disappearances at Missouri hospitals along with reports of the same occurring at Dallas area hospitals was covered in an interview with James Lawrenzi, DO

http://www.infowars.com/medical-professional-health-authorities-covering-up-ebola-cases-in-u-s/

http://www.infowars.com/doctor-feds-disappearing-suspected-ebola-patients-across-u-s/

Get off your uninformed ass an do your own due diligence.

Sat, 11/01/2014 - 15:40 | 5401946 11b40
11b40's picture

If this is what you call due diligence, well, good luck with that.

Nothing but rumors & hear-say.  Check back in a few weeks and let's see what is really happening.  There is no way to cover up any widespread medical issues in this country filled with cell phone cameras, you tube videos, and millions of people looking for their 15 minutes of fame.

Paranoid, delusional chicken littles make me sick.

Could this be a bio-weapon gone wrong?  Yep, could be, and if it is, I bet we find out.  Is it being deliberatly injected into the general population?  I do not believe so.  There are plenty of things to worry about in yhour day to day life, but Ebola is way down the list unless you are working with Ebola patients.

Sat, 11/01/2014 - 16:39 | 5402096 benb
benb's picture

...Check back in a few weeks and let's see what is really happening...

I can agree with you on that. Let's see what the situation is by the mid-end of November.

I'll be looking for your comments.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 15:58 | 5399563 Bell's 2 hearted
Bell's 2 hearted's picture

election ... 4 days

 

the 103 fever is "flu" ... for now

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 15:58 | 5399566 Save_America1st
Save_America1st's picture

they are...they're just being "disappeared" by the Feds.  Once the elections are over I'm sure we'll start hearing of cases again.

There must be some reason the Feds just got caught shipping in 250,000 protective suits to Dallas, TX yesterday. 

http://www.prisonplanet.com/exclusive-u-s-government-orders-250000-hazmat-suits-to-be-sent-to-dallas.html

and lotsa body bags too.  Hopefully the body bags are for D.C. after many scumbag politicians get slaughtered at the polls.

http://www.infowars.com/cdc-to-purchase-body-bags-in-anticipation-of-more-ebola-deaths/

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 15:57 | 5399567 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

Because they no longer require the diversion right now....money printing back on schedule chuggin on down the track.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 15:59 | 5399569 Divided States ...
Divided States of America's picture

3 weeks incubation period... so give it another week or two knux. btw, is that bowling alley in NYC open next weekend? I will be dropping by the big crapple soon.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:01 | 5399579 seek
seek's picture

Either 1) it's hard to catch, or 2) they're not telling us when someone gets it.

The R0 of ebola is higher than the flu. Meanwhile there's stories like this floating around.

I'll leave it to you to decide.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:01 | 5399580 the6thBook
the6thBook's picture

There is some voting going on next week.  Then we get to find out how many people have Ebola.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:02 | 5399586 Silver Bullet
Silver Bullet's picture

Yeah.....no one.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 17:29 | 5399805 Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill's picture

Hope you're right.

Trouble is , Obozo already proved with Benghazi, that he will do ANYTHING to retain power.

Once you started killing it comes easy.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:09 | 5399605 CrazyCatLady
CrazyCatLady's picture

Hush!! You are not supposed to talk about that!

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:20 | 5399642 e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

New outbreaks have been postponed until after the election.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 17:00 | 5399750 Karaio
Karaio's picture

Sick? 

You do not get sick, you are hidden and then you die! 

hehe.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 20:45 | 5400337 MassDecep
MassDecep's picture

Funny since Kleins been the czar of ebola, no more news of sick persons. Or few and far between. He is the director of the media.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 15:55 | 5399554 cowdiddly
cowdiddly's picture

You have to put the patient on a pancake and tortilla diet to do any good. These are the only things that will fit under the door.

 

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 15:55 | 5399555 Bell's 2 hearted
Bell's 2 hearted's picture

free pr0n?

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 15:58 | 5399562 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

So they can produce more bodily fluids?

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 15:56 | 5399558 carbonmutant
carbonmutant's picture

I think we're missing the cellphone supplied by the attorney...

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 15:58 | 5399573 NoVa
NoVa's picture

Quarantine will not work in US politically because Obola will never allow that stigma to be implemented in his term.

To them, Quarantine is like segregation - "you sit in those living quarters for 21 days until Uncle Sam or the States sez you are now free".  It doesn't matter where the person is - in the USA or West Africa.  Doesn't matter.

They think next it will be -  you sit in those rows of the public bus or you drink from that drinking fountain (while I drink from this one).  

 

 

NoVa

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:06 | 5399596 Silver Bullet
Silver Bullet's picture

Do you actually believe what you just typed?

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 23:54 | 5400887 Leraconteur
Leraconteur's picture

Know, not believe.

There is a difference between being a tinfoil nut, and acknowledging that the science of virii don't care about conspiracy theories.

Quarantine works, it is why it has been used since forever.

Belief does not factor in to this.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:13 | 5399622 Boubou
Boubou's picture

They have it all mixed up with party politics, segregation, human rights, discrimination, political correctness,elections,  sexual preferences ad nauseam.

 

There is no intelligent life left in American public life  - not a trace of wisdom, rationality, common sense or decency. There is always a reason the Truth can not be spoken.

Quarantine has been practiced for a thousand years as a primary protection against epidemics . Grown ups submit to it for the sake of the community.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:22 | 5399657 LikeyMikey
LikeyMikey's picture

how many elections would take place if most people could not go to the voting polls due to a massive National Quarantine?

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:00 | 5399574 robertocarlos
robertocarlos's picture

Here's your cremated dog back. Turns out he didn't have ebola after all.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 17:15 | 5399774 Frank N. Beans
Frank N. Beans's picture

And we'll let you know when you can have your prepper food, water, ammo, and PMs back.  We're still holding those in quarantine.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:02 | 5399585 Bear
Bear's picture

The Market insists that there is no risk, so party on and BTFATH

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:13 | 5399587 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

the onion can't compete with reality anymore

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:04 | 5399592 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

      I don't always drink Ebola.

    " But when I do, I make Chuck Norris serve it to me in a hazmat suit."

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:14 | 5399628 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

chuck norris don't need no steenking hazmat suit. chuck norris kick ebola's ass.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:07 | 5399597 Bastiat
Bastiat's picture

I went into the ER with Ebola symptoms.  After they found out I was a precious metals investor they told me to go home and have a drink.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:13 | 5399618 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

   I'll attest to this remedy.

Goldschläger
Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:14 | 5399626 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Roller coaster rides are like that. Only strong hands with time can stay on this ride. My knuckles are a lil white too.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:23 | 5399655 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 The "Scales of Justice" have your back MsCreant. ;-)

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:55 | 5399639 YHC-FTSE
YHC-FTSE's picture

Forgot to add

 

  • Free plane tickets from the CDC
  • Bowling lane reservation
  • clipboard for anyone visiting
  • t-shirt (to wear on your head)
  • paper bags into which the patient can shit (To be used later to set alight and leave on doorsteps on Halloween)
Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:26 | 5399666 RaceToTheBottom
RaceToTheBottom's picture

Where is the laptop network connection?  You don't want to catch someones Ebola via a wireless network connection, now, do you?

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:41 | 5399699 kchrisc
kchrisc's picture

If you can't have your guns with you, it is something other than quarantine.

An American, not US subject.

 

Or put another way, you can't have your guns in prison.

P.S. THere is no Ebola in the DC US, only an Ebola boogeyman.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 16:40 | 5399702 Fuku Ben
Fuku Ben's picture

The Onion is now on the terrorist watch list

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 17:05 | 5399756 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

The amateur pharmaceutical lab and going to figure it out yourself sounds about right.  The Onion could have added that the FDA would not have approved a cure even if found at home and the intention was to self administer because that would be illegal.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 21:12 | 5400426 porph
porph's picture

Got three call this week for"VIPs" needing IVIG (intravenous immune globulin) infusions. Very odd that the patients were referred to as "VIPs" - who cares? Why wouldnt they get the same treatment as everyone else?  (Doctor writes the prescription, infusion center schedules the patient, and I make the dose.) IVIG is used to supplement or suprress the immune system, depends on dose. The last call was about the insurance company turning down the infusion (costs run into the thousands), and could the VIP pay cash?....(not my department!) very very very odd....first prescription wasn't one of our regular docs at all......is this a bunch of elites trying to pump up their immune system? Knuckleheads! Remember when HIV was in the blood supply? Do you think Ebola will get into the US blood supply?

Sat, 11/01/2014 - 01:49 | 5401044 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

That is a good question.  What if they put in there on purpose? 

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 17:47 | 5399853 Exponere Mendaces
Exponere Mendaces's picture

It should read "Ebola - Zerohedge's Newest Dead Horse".

If it was as infectious as ZH lets on, your neighbor should be puking blood by now. Just watch, by the end of November there won't be squat, just a few cases of caretakers being flown in from the hot zone. (USA)

But lets not get in the way of the ZH Scaremonger Circlejerk, there's pageviews to be had!

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 18:59 | 5399914 Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill's picture

All things being equal , with competent govt. you are prolly right.

Do you spot the problem now ?

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 19:32 | 5400104 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 How's that BTC stash working out for you?

 http://bitcoincharts.com/charts/bitstampUSD#rg60ztgSzm1g10zm2g25zv

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 22:19 | 5400592 Dutch
Dutch's picture

The nurse certainly appears to have some sort of under-the-radar government relationship. Visit naturalnews dot com, read about her training as a "CDC intelligence officer". Not sure about the site, it could just as well be disinformation too. Just like the markets and so many things these days, the whole Ebola situation is just a hall of mirrors, we don't know where to turn or what to think. It appears that TPTB want it that way. Keep your eyes open, your head down, stay off the radar and away from crowds. It's all you can do.

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 22:20 | 5400600 FredFlintstone
FredFlintstone's picture

Somebody shoot that bitch

Fri, 10/31/2014 - 22:33 | 5400652 windcatcher
windcatcher's picture

Considering that Ebola is a patented warfare agent developed with BILLIONS of USA debt dollars, your humor is rather dry; do I laugh or cry?

Kiss your ass good-by, better mass genocide than be brought to Justice for Treason.

AH, Yes, Big Money. The Greatest Criminal Corrupters!

Sat, 11/01/2014 - 04:54 | 5401142 MSimon
MSimon's picture

Ebola kills by cytokine storm. Look up "cannabis cytokine".

Sat, 11/01/2014 - 12:01 | 5401590 limacon
limacon's picture

What about the small print on the ceiling ?

"If you can read this , you didn't make it . Please settle your bill before leaving."

 

 

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!