This page has been archived and commenting is disabled.
Dispatches from Occupied Territory - Awakening Alone While in a Relationship
Dispatches from Occupied Territory - Awakening Alone While in a Relationship
By
Cognitive Dissonance
You will always find original articles by Cognitive Dissonance and other authors first on www.TwoIceFloes.com before they are posted here on ZH.
To become a Premium or Basic member click here. If you wish to subscribe to ‘Dispatches’, a periodic newsletter from Cognitive Dissonance and TwoIceFloes Creations, please click here.
This is the fourth in a series of fictional explorations into an individual’s awakening to the suddenly unfamiliar world around and within her while still engulfed by the day to day insanity. These short stories in letter form are intended for the more sensitive and inquisitive reader who wishes to look more deeply within and explore in depth their beliefs and perceptions as well as how to cope with a world gone frighteningly mad. It is the author’s hope to accomplish this by way of an intimate and revealing first person correspondence between two long time friends as they discuss her ongoing awakening. The first three chapters may be found here.
Dear Marie,
It saddens me deeply to find you so distressed. Your last letter detailing the deteriorating relationship with your husband was heartbreaking and so very familiar to me. You may remember my divorce several years back after seventeen years of marriage. While we maintained the public façade of an inmate and loving couple, beneath the surface great rifts had formed and eventually we decided to part ways. So I can identify with everything in your letter and more, having experienced it firsthand.
One of the first lessons I failed to learn in my ongoing awakening was there are multiple layers, blind corners and dark alleys to transit and I had only just begun the process. So the fact I thought I was pretty well versed in not only the external illusion, but the accompanying internal self deception, simply set me up for the next soul crushing fall into the abyss. Only later did I find out this was normal for an early awakening and something to watch for.
I often wonder if it is this reinjuring of the psyche so soon after the initial wounding that sends so many newly awakening into a self defeating spiral of cynicism, depression and isolation. If nothing else it most certainly is damaging, sometimes fatally so, to any personal (and professional) relationship we may presently be involved in. Sadly our culture is full of psychological and emotional instruction manuals for those descending into the social insanity and precious few for those attempting to break free.
In keeping with my theme of the need to gain a greater perspective before attempting to understand, it would help if we pull back and walk a few miles in your husband’s shoes. One of the dangers we experience during first light, that period of time when we initially recognize all is not as it appears, is the problem of self induced tunnel vision. Because we are trying to take in so much so quickly we fail to see anything with clarity, thus we develop a form of tunnel vision to cope with the onrush of new information. Maybe a better phrase to explain this might be selective vision.
Instead of broadening our perspective with this new perception and awareness, it is as if we don dark glasses and everything we perceive is run through this filter. While we might feel it justified, often we judge others’ actions based upon whether we feel they are ‘aware’ or not. Just because someone is still ‘asleep’ doesn’t necessarily invalidate their perspective. As well, just because we are awakening does not mean we see clearly and correctly. It is because of this flaw that we sometimes needlessly dismantle or even sabotage relationships. It is important to recognize our critical part in this unraveling if we are to properly deal with it.
During the period when we are courting or dating many unspoken mutual understandings and agreements are formed and cemented. We might call this psychological phenomenon ‘compatibility testing’ or ‘harmonizing’. While we might agree this is an important prerequisite to a long lasting and satisfying relationship, rarely do we actually examine what is going on under the surface.
Those who have little in common with their partner often run into severe difficulties at various points in the future, particularly during times of stress. A common refrain from those who are awakening is they suddenly find themselves living with someone they no longer ‘know’. Rarely do they understand their partner may actually feel the same way.
If the initial attraction between two people is sexually based, rather than similarities and commonalities, many differences are ignored or papered over as not important or immaterial to furthering the physical relationship. Later, after the initial rush of emotional attachment has subsided, these differences rise to the surface to disturb the peace. This doesn’t mean long term relationships are the epitome of compatibility and congruency. In practice the reality is often the opposite.
While courting, particularly long term courting, we are constantly assessing if our potential partner is a good fit. When a difference is recognized or confronted, an assessment, often unconsciously or semi-consciously, is made as to the importance of the incompatibility. “Can I live with this?” is one way it might be verbalized if we were bold enough to say so. Of course we do not speak this truth because our self interest dictates we not discuss potentially inflammatory subjects with a prospective mate.
What courting boils down to is a contract-for-services negotiation, some of which is verbalized with the potential partner and some unspoken with and within ourselves. As dry and unemotional an assessment as this is, when seen in the light of day and from a non emotional basis this is precisely what it is. When the contract is signed, either through the public spectacle of a religious/state sanctioned marriage or, as is increasingly more common these days by simply cohabiting together, essentially we are promising to commit to something we may not have fully examined or thoroughly thought out.

Oftentimes we assume (and I use the term ‘assume’ even if this part of the contract negotiation is verbalized and formalized) either no unilateral changes will be made to the contract conditions agreed upon or they will be discussed and agreed upon before being implemented by one or the other of the partners. It is here where tensions exist and problems arise, particularly when the ‘honeymoon period’ has ended and reality presents, warts and all.
Please understand that sometimes the ‘other’ person has not actually changed or made any changes to the contract conditions. Rather, what is actually going on here is our own reassessment of conditions previously considered ‘livable’ or not important. How often are we surprised or even shocked to discover our partner holds this or that view or perspective? Maybe they chew with their mouth open, are messy and unkempt or they are spendthrifts and reckless with money. Unless outright deception was involved, this ‘new’ discovery is evidence of a failure on our part to see reality for what it is, a self awareness often hidden by our ego.
Obviously Marie this is an imperfect one-size-fits-all description that fits no one perfectly but applies to everyone generally. In practice the negotiation is ongoing even after the signing, and contract conditions are always morphing and ever changing. It is with this in mind that I ask you to reach for perspective, even if it is contrary to your perception of you being the victim and your husband the perpetrator.
From his point of view you are the moving party here, the one who has unilaterally violated the terms of the contract without prior discussion, negotiation or agreement. Considering the tectonic reverberations your awakening has caused you personally, imagine what it must be like to be your husband and suddenly witness huge changes in you, particularly if those changes are contrary to the consensus belief of the majority of the population and to those expressed by you prior to your awakening.
Taking into consideration the fact you have been married nearly two decades, thus both of you are experienced with the ebb and flow of any long term relationship, based upon your description he most likely initially viewed your changes as simply transitory and was waiting for ‘normalcy’ to return. When after a period of time you did not ‘return’ I suspect his internal alarm bells and sense of outrage over the one sided changes have led to the series of confrontations on his part you describe in your letter. He wants to know what the hell is going on and when you’re going to be done with ‘this silliness’.
You may recall in an earlier letter my description of your inner fear projecting into your conversations with those you are attempting either to warn or simply to explain what is, and has been, happening to you. No doubt your husband senses your fear which concerns him greatly and adds to his belief that something is deeply wrong with you. While at first he showed great patience when dealing with you out of love and affection, this has now morphed into his own fear of loss and sense of violation.
Since you still go to work, run the household and conduct yourself in so many other ways considered ‘normal’ in today’s world, at this point he is beginning to wonder if you may not be readying to leave him for someone else. This is why he is directly asking if you are cheating on him behind his back. In his mind, since what you are telling him about your awakening makes no sense what-so-ever, from his point of view the only other thing it could be is an affair or some other type of deception.
As well because he also senses the world taking a turn for the worse, yet there isn’t something quantifiable and widely accepted by the culture with which he can grasp upon as proof his own concerns are valid, your ‘illness’ (his words) is what he points towards as the problem with the marriage and his world. Denial tends to push the mind outward searching for scapegoats lest it linger too long looking within and chance the discovery of the true source of our inner distress. The more certain someone is about how the world works and the source of their problems, the less likely they will be to search within themselves for the root of their problems.
Keep in mind deep within our ‘self’ the truth is always known, even if only on a subconscious level. We pile layer upon layer of dirt, mulch, rocks and debris on top to prevent it from escaping into our conscious mind, though there are constant leaks which lead to cognitive dissonance. If these leaks were to become a flow, the condition would demand resolution requiring a complete reassessment of our worldview, precisely what you are presenting undergoing and which you recognize is extremely destabilizing and quite distasteful.
Knowing what you now know, are you surprised in the least we would go to nearly any length to remain in a state of self induced ignorant bliss? In so many ways, when asleep we are very similar to a drug addict seeking a fix and relief from the pain, though for us the drug of choice is denial and the high is the ignorant bliss of self deception.

The secret to this psychological sauce is we are never fully and truly asleep. Rather we have constructed a carefully compiled worldview that takes into account many of the constantly changing variables the world presents on a daily basis. Now that our awakening is beginning to take hold we can clearly see the contradictions, illogic, deception and fraud that permeate the system and the people. To those of us who go through life asleep we only see what we wish to see and ignore or rationalize away the rest. While imperfect, it ‘works’ because we wish it to work.
It is as if we were previously tuned to a narrow radio frequency and missed ninety five percent of what was being broadcast on other channels. But now we have a wide band radio and receive nearly every channel, though we still lack the ability to fully discern and differentiate the different messages. Your husband still operates on a narrow band receiver and is baffled by your (in his mind) garbled recital of what you are hearing, seeing and thinking.
Please understand that most of his directed anger is actually carefully disguised fear, both of what it is you seem to know and what it is he appears to be missing in your eyes. He doesn’t know what is going on with you and despite his protestations otherwise does not want to know what is going on with you. He just wants the old Marie back and his life to return to ‘normal’. In many ways he thinks he is sleeping with the enemy in the same way you feel you are.
Most certainly neither of you ‘knows’ each other anymore, though in fact you never really did to begin with. At best you knew what each of you exposed to each other as part of the greater challenge of living within a world beset by (self) deception, fraud and The Big Lie. In an insane asylum exactly how well can anyone ‘know’ anyone else when they have not begun to know themselves? Not well I’m afraid.
So where does this leave you Marie? Well first off, not alone by any means since there are hundreds of thousands of individuals just like you who are also struggling to cope with relationships both personal and professional while also nurturing their own awakening. If I were to give any advice it would be this. To go forward from here you need to do two things.
1) Determine what you need to do regarding changes in your life right now. As I have spoken about before, there is a world of difference between needs and wants. Because you are on high alert, regardless of how your husband may be reacting, you feel danger is present and in close proximity. In so many ways this changes your demeanor and aura and those who know you sense the change in you and are on the defensive.
Consider that in his eyes you are the moving party so his position is somewhat justified regardless of his state of awareness in relation to yours. Since you have made most of the unilateral changes to the mutual agreement by awakening, it behooves you to make the first gesture towards reconciliation if this is what you want to do. If not, you need to be just as upfront about your unwillingness to do so.
You cannot have your cake and eat it too Marie. You state the desire to cease self deception as soon as you become aware of it and I commend you for your efforts. But if you wish the relationship to remain in place you must make compromises you might find distasteful. If you are dishonest with yourself with regard to whether you can become comfortable with that type of decision you are only hurting yourself, your husband and your children.
This is why I speak of becoming centered and settled before any decisions are made about your future. Based upon our prior conversations I know you are making great strides in this direction, but you also know much work remains. This is a moment of truth for you and you know this to be true. There is no ‘right’ decision here, only a decision that is true to your ‘self’. Find that ‘self’, then make those decisions.

2) Sit down with your husband and, in a non threatening manner, carefully and calmly speak to him about your relationship past, present and future. Acknowledge the fact you have changed, but refrain from talking about collapsing currencies, government lies and so on for doing so just muddies the waters and charges the emotions. Once either you or your husband becomes emotionally charged all logic, reason and potential compromise goes out the window while hurt and anger takes its place.
You might need to do this over several sessions since judging from your letter so much has not been said for so long that much will be said by both before you are able to clear the table enough to get down to the substance that matters, your relationship. Do not expect him to ‘see’ or understand your point of view nor vice versa. The real question here is simple. Are both of you willing to make enough changes in yourself and accept enough of each other to mend the rift and find value and love once again in each other?
A critical mistake I continue to make is to see the world through black and white filters. As much as I claim to now see the artificial polarity foisted upon the world in order to divide and conquer the population, unfortunately I do the same thing and think it completely reasonable. Just because I now claim to see clearly does not mean my partner must do so as well in order for the relationship to work. Why am I demanding change in my partner when I would object if the demands were reversed?
One of the personal (one could rightly say intimate) needs filled by our partner is their affirmation and confirmation of our ‘self’. This is part and parcel of our need for some sort of compatibility, of a sameness or similarity we crave if we are to return the affirmation. This is a form of codependency that often expresses in a destructive manner when we require validation of our own state of denial. It was only after my divorce did I clearly see my unreasonable demands for validation of my awakening while refusing to validate her continuing slumber. Not only did I stop affirming my wife’s self image, but I demanded she acknowledge my changes and that she change her ‘self’.
Seen from this perspective, of course my marriage ended in acrimony and heartache, particularly since I made no effort to meet her halfway and instead demanded near total capitulation and unilateral change from her. While I made all the proper noises promising compromise and consideration on my part, in fact my demands needed to be met before I would fulfill my own promises. Worse, I felt justified since in my egoic self righteous point of view she refused to acknowledge I was right and she was wrong.
While I fully appreciate you are not as extreme as I was, surely you must see parallels between my mistakes and what is going on in your life. This is not to say you must make amends with your husband, only that you need to recognize the unfair conditions you have imposed upon the relationship. I understand your complaint that to continue to live with your husband means enabling his worldview and way of thinking, not because you wish to enable, but because he will expect you to at least tolerate his point of view which in a co-dependent relationship is the functional equivalent to enabling. And to be independent means you must shed co-dependent relationships whether personal or professional.
Ultimately you must decide if the benefits of maintaining your marriage outweigh the cost, which means you must examine what your marriage was previously based upon, what if anything is salvageable and whether you can still be fulfilled with less than you wish to receive. The key here is to see that the answer is not black and white, all or nothing unless you decide it needs to be. You can allow yourself some flexibility here while still being true to yourself so long as your intent is grounded and your actions are not self deceptive or co-dependent.
Just like you, early on I found the insanity I was just beginning to fully recognize was extremely seductive, inviting and alluring. As much as I wished to move towards sanity, now that I had begun to walk the path, similar to a clean and sober addict I often craved a return to the soothing bliss of ignorance, the fuzzy numbness derived from my unaware stupor washing away any feelings of fear or alarm. I so wanted the hard edges of the world to melt away, allowing me to drift in feigned indifference and disbelief that life’s facade really was fake and fraudulent.
So I fully understand your point of view when you say to remain with your husband is to dance with the devil, a seduction so strong you are presently uncertain you will be able to resist. This is precisely why I isolated after my divorce, to heal and grow before I once again ventured out to slay my inner dragons. But to this day I am uncertain if this was the proper path to follow. While I was able to heal some of my wounds I missed out on some badly needed on-the-job training of how to live among the insane while retaining my own growing sanity. It is all just an intellectual exercise until the first time we meet the monster face to face and attempt to co-exist.
Ultimately only you can be the judge of your needs and wants. Because one of your children is already off the college and the other only a year away, any decision you make here should not be clouded by the fear you will harm your children by leaving, or staying, in the marriage. Others in your situation are not so lucky, though I am not sure if ‘luck’ is the proper term to use here.
If I may add one more piece of advice; whatever decisions you make over the next few weeks or months are only as permanent as you wish them to be. One of the biggest lies of the Big Lie is insidious in its simplicity. We are conditioned to believe certainty is of the utmost importance and to exhibit indecision or to change our mind is a sign of moral weakness or immaturity. Among other things this mind meme is designed to trap us inside the insanity by limiting our choices and constricting social acceptance of nonconformity and independent thinking. Once we embody the antithesis of this mind virus we have truly begun to walk the path of our awakening.
Beside you always,
Jonathan
_______________
Cognitive Dissonance
11-15-2014

- advertisements -


You rarely hear of anyone "falling out of love" with their dog.
Why do you suppose that is?
Might I posit that the greatest likelihood of a long-term relationship would exist between couples of the least intellect?
These people would be the least likely to change ... and thus, the least likely to disappoint each other.
Whaddya think?
Interesting premise that those with the least intelect are least likely to change. You may be correct. I prefer to see in people their capacity to change as well as their willingness. How much water can you pour in an empty glass as opposed to a nearly full one?
choose wisely, forgive often, recognize the evil called envy, forgive often, mature love sees and accepts the faults we all share, a life partner becomes part of the self, from two there is one, a sweetness only a few find.
I don't view the intellect as being like a glass, which can be filled.
Rather, it is like a pile of kindling, to which you set a flame.
Education is (should be?) striking the match.
Why do you feel 'intellect' is required for change to take place. Honest question.
Maybe it is a matter of different definitions for intellect?
I suppose that, in the absence of intellect, any partnership must be based solely upon sexual attraction ... like the lower animals.
For as long as your partner remains sexually attractive, there would be no incentive to abandon him/her.
Mrs. Cog and I share average intellects and awareness. Yet our most stimulating conversations take place when we snuggle. :-)
A bit "wordy" ... but it cut to the bone.
I wonder whether we will be able to correlate "internet use" with "relationship failure" ?
The internet sculpts the mind; and when all said and done, the only real difference between us is the content of our heads.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_UsmvtyxEI
One wonders how some people deal with a 'book' of 50,000 words, let alone something like Moby Dick where the author can devote five or six pages describing the wind blowing through a yardarm or a storm approaching off in the distance.
Oh... and just for the record, the wind cannot "blow through a yardarm" unless it has been shot through with a miniball or some such. A yardarm is one of the "sticks" - a generally horizontal one - that supports sails and rigging or cordage there for other reasons. ;-D
I'd accept "the wind was blowing through the rigging, forcing it for'd, making it belly out and sing like a banshee looking for the spirit of someone newly dead..." ;-D
Ummm... I read them and write them. My spouse is also a writer.
So do you feel I was speaking directly to you or about you?
I did say 'some people' allowing everyone some wiggle room.
Once In A Lifetime Lyrics Talking Heads
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1wg1DNHbNU&spfreload=10
And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself
Well...How did I get here?
Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by
Water flowing underground
Into the blue again
After the money's gone
Once in a lifetime
Water flowing underground
And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife
Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by
Water flowing underground
Into the blue again
After the money's gone
Once in a lifetime
Water flowing underground
Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...
Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Under the water, carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean
Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by
Water flowing underground
Into the blue again
Into the silent water
Under the rocks and stones
There is water underground
Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by
Water flowing underground
Into the blue again
After the money's gone
Once in a lifetime
Water flowing underground
And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go to?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may say to yourself yourself
My God!...What have I done?!
Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by
Water flowing underground
Into the blue again
Into the silent water
Under the rocks and stones
There is water underground
Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by
Water flowing underground
Into the blue again
After the money's gone
Once in a lifetime
Water flowing underground
Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...
Look where my hand was
Time isn't holding up
Time is an asterisk
Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...
Yeah, the twister comes
Here comes the twister
Same as it ever was...
Songwriters: ENO, BRIAN / ESPRIT, PHOEBE / BYRNE, DAVID / FRANTZ, CHRISTOPHER / HARRISON, JERRY / WEYMOUTH, TINA / AMANZE, RONALD
Once In A Lifetime lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
,
Thanks for this CD, have looked forward to your post since ''Dispatches from Occupied Territory - Fear is the Mind Killer'' which the link to is missing here. That one really moved me...wanted all my friends and family to read that one so they might better understand me...have a cut-copy-paste saved to file.
Thank you. The first three articles in this series may be found here.
The feedback I have received regarding this series has been divisive. People either have been moved by it, sometimes deeply, or they were turned off by it.
Cog, brilliant and very deep. For those of us in a long-term committed relationships with kids, you touch on profound issues, indeed.
Thank you...
Thank you very much.
I applaud anyone who was (or is) already in a relationship when they began to awaken and have found a way to remain involved with the one they loved and continue to love.
If we are honest with ourselves, the process of awakening is an extremely narcissistic event. We become consumed with our altered perception and the effects it has upon us. Rarely do we have the desire to compromise our position in order to accommodate someone whom we feel just doesn't get it. It rarely occurs to us that, at least when it comes to the relationship we are in, that we might just not get it.
Keep plugging along with your articles GW. They are making a difference, though oftentimes we won't know this until long after the fact. The greatest faith on display on ZH is your continuing efforts to expose the monstrous insanity in the face of derision, indifference and outright hostility. Remember that those who comment represent a mere tiny fraction of those who read you.
Life is hard...relationships harder...tough it out as best you can...loneliness is a bitter..bird in the bed better than two in the wild
Yawnnnn... are the advertisements over? What? I missed the movie???
I've spent most of my life in long term relationships, but never married. Being quicker on the uptake than most or perhaps because I was a product of a broken marriage between my parents, I have never seen any advantages in being married for a man. It probably makes me sound like a son of a bitch to most gals, but I've never kept my contempt for marriage a secret. At the height of my career, with all the material trappings that the average wage slave accumulates, I learned another important lesson: There are far, far too many women out there who don't want a "husband", a partner for life. All they want is a cash machine with a thick cock, nothing else.
So here I am pushing my fourth decade on the planet with an on/off girlfriend who is almost my common law wife putting up with my idiosyncratic lifestyle of not wanting any kids and not wanting marriage. I know I am lucky to have found her (Well, actually she found me), but I am also sorry that she is with a person like me who cannot/will not give her the traditional life and nuclear family. Not that she has ever asked - she is smart enough to know that I'd walk away in a split second if those demands were made of me, just as I did in all my previous relationships bar one, and that was a disaster because it was "love", which is another way of describing the madness that descends when a chemical imbalance occurs in the brain. :). I think my current relationship works because she is far smarter than I am about most things so I don't have to explain anything to her at all. She also knows that I am deeply flawed which is a bonus.
There is no great secret to making a relationship work. Having good communication skills, patience and the willingness to apologise even if you have no idea what the hell you did wrong, helps a lot! But at the end of the day, you either feel strongly you belong together or you don't. Oh and for the young boys and girls out there - the behaviour exhibited at the beginning of the relationship is a good indicator of the things to come for years. So look out if they lie, hurt you, cheat on you, steal from you. Those are not "rare" aberrations you can ever overlook through the thick fog of delusion we call "love".
This is actually a pretty good piece. Oprahesque to be sure but spot on. I should know, this just blew up my marriage. Monetary adjustments aside, it is still 1/2 the time with your kids max. Do not underestimate this one should you feel it might apply.
Cog:
I appreciate your contributions.
Don't try to outthink yourself, however.
Tragedy And Hope communications is a place to commiserate, for me.
I felt there was nobody discussing the unique issues that come with awakening to the lie surrounded by others who at best think you are off base and at worst think you are certifiably crazy.
It can be a very lonely world, particularly if you are involved and your other half has no interest in looking down the rabbit hole. Each situation is unique. The value of this article comes not from any specific instruction or guidance. It comes from the knowledge that someone else is talking about what nobody seems to want to discuss.
We are only as sick as the things we do not talk about. And for a community that praises honesty and openness I find the lack of discussion regarding the problems of awakening in a hostile world shocking.
Then again it might just be me.
I'll address more than one comment here...
First, I'm not "weak" because I love my wife and sacrifice for her. (I pity the fool who confuses love and consideration for weakness.) I accept her as she is, and she accepts me as I am - we don't try to change each other. We are DIFFERENT - and we cherish that difference, and that's good. She has no interest in many of the things I am interested in, and vice versa - but we care about the other's opinions on things that affect us both. She lives in a different world than I do, and that's good because it broadens our knowledge and understanding base.
When I talk about the political or economic condition of the world, and especially of our "nation" she listens and asks questions - seeking understanding. But she does not have my background. She has her own unique perspective on these things, and helps me understand things that I miss and I listen to her. She brings a perspective to things, to discussions, that I'd never think of - she is a valuable partner in my life, and I in hers. How is that "weakness"? I am loyal to her, and I love her, and she values those things too. How is that weakness? If that's weakness, give me a wheelbarrow full of it!
Cog - you talk about "awakening" - I'm assuming you refer to the condition of the world as it is today? The geo-political, economic, "social" environment, etc etc stuff. I was REARED awake! My father was an aware person who was involved in political and legal things all of his life - even though he never earned a college degree of any kind. He has won court cases that affect the "awake" and the sleeping people alike. He taught me a lot.
Because of his influence, I went to my first political caucus when I was 13, and was very active n the two main parties - learning how the political parties worked, then leaving them. I studied my history and so can now "compare and contrast" the current state of the global power structure with what has gone before. (Yes - we've "been here before" and no - I don't care to write about it.)
The world has ALWAYS been "hostile." Other people almost NEVER care what you think - because they only care about what THEY think. (If you let them get away with that - they'll think you a "friend." If you try to "enlighten them", they'll ignore you or hate you for it.)
If someone wants to judge the world based on their willingness to confront the umpleasant, they will be a harsh judge because very few care to make themselves uncomfortable - and in the final analysis, can you blame them? The chances of stopping a 20 ton bolder rolling down hill at you are nil. The best you can do is get out of the way... maybe... and hope it doesn't take a last second jog in your direction just as you jump aside. If you shout at them to jump and they look up at you and say "huh?" don't take it personally. It takes a lifetime to see the bolders with any clarity, and to judge which way they are going.
And if you want to improve your life, stop "doing" "social media." If you attempt to leave it, you'll feel very uncomfortable, your "friends" will rag you, and you will be very tempted to go back. After all... what harm does it do? Compare and contrast these feelings and the descriptions of people who are/were addicts. Perhaps you'll learn something important.
I want to know if it's weakness or strength that keeps a man faithful to his wife. I'm in the early stages of the marriage journey and this is something that occupies a lot of my thoughts. At the moment I see loyalty as an exercise of self-restraint, which is a strength. But lately, I've been questioning this, and thinking perhaps loyalty is borne out of fear of loneliness. You remain loyal because you don't want to run the risk of losing your wife.
Any advice from more seasoned campaigners is much welcome.
Oh poor idiot.
It is not man or woman speak.
This is human soul speak.
Loyalty uis not self-restraint. LOYALTY is mating and love for life. Just watch the birds who build nests for years.. Loyalty
Loyalltyis an appreciation of love. I walk on beaches every day an listen to the earth breathe. That is called waves....Today I watched an eagle call repeatedly. They mate and nest in January. I watched the frigging Earth breathe.
Love and loyalty sre very simple things. I listen to the earth breathe as I walk my dogs with my husband.
You are off-target. sellfish/ Go walk in nature.
Duplicate post
I want to know if it's weakness or strength that keeps a man faithful to his wife.
Ummm... what does she have to do with it? YOU took a vow/vows. YOU made promises. So now the question is are you a person of moral character and is your word worth more than a pile of dog shit? Or not? I've been with my wife for almost 36 years. There have been temptations - and opportunities - but *I* took vows, and I'm still keeping them.
And you know what? I still love her. And you know what else? I am intensly grateful that she puts up with me and all of my crap. When she's home (her work involves travel), she gets coffee in bed, and anything else I can do or get for her.
If you think you might "stray", that you might violate your vows, don't get married in the first place. You'd make a lousy spouse and at the very least I'm hoping you think enough of her to not do that to her - she'd be better off finding a REAL man and partner, and you'd be better off to be single than a POS.
It's hard to take people seriously who set some arbitrary set of criteria as defining a 'real' man. Especially, when they then put themselves in that category and exclude others...
But hey, if you think you're a real man, and other aren't, that's fine. But you've not put forward any logic to back it up.
This article started off by saying that the contract of marriage is constantly being renegotiated. Perhpas if you had the testicular fortitude to negotiate hard on particular fronts your wife may have allowed you to entertain some of those temptations. Perhaps you're a pussy?
I'm just posing the question.
I do thank you for your response though.
It takes incredible strength to leave a relationship, especially a marriage with children. Often those that criticize and throw up arguments about commitment agreements are they rhemselves the weakest of all.
You made an agreement when you married. Amending or terminating agreements can be negotiated in good faith. Breaking agreements unilaterally and secretly lacks integrity.
Bravo!
I have always tried to maintain good relations with former relationships. I am not always successful. How you end one is often more important than how you started it or what you did while in it. I have learned a lot about myself by standing up and renegotiating. It forced me to recognize where my errors were, not just hers.
I see these people yell and scream, throwing words and objects and just being angry and full of bitter pills when breaking up. In my opinion doing so often is an indicator of deep immaturity and denial of self.
"I am intensly grateful that she puts up with me and all of my crap."
It appears that you think very lowly of yourself in comparison to her. Not exactly what could be defined as a healthy relationship. Perhaps some other ZHers have some better advice that doesn't involve the meaningless shame attempt you put forth.
Loyalty is absolutely the manifestation of weakness. You are weak in that you require (or at least you believe you require) the company/validation/resources/etc. of the other person. If you are loyal to a business partner you are weak in that perhaps you could not succeed without their capital, expertise, etc.
With that I will add that weakness is nothing of which you should be ashamed. Understand your weaknesses and eliminate those you must. The desire for companionship and sex is a weakness I accept and embrace (although I would never get married). It's your choice to make.
Paralysis analysis!
Analysis paralysis!
i myself was on the great path toward enlightenment. living among the insane. ney the self isolation dillusion of two way mirrors and the swamp gas farts of self realisation were upon me. thus, contented by menial honey dew lists of dillusion i troddeth on................... blah blah blah
read the paper and you become misinformed. don't read the paper and you become un-informed.
DISPITE WHAT YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU VIOLENCE DOES SOLVE PROBLEMS
and this fascist feminist nazi society will one day realize that is true and one day begin to respect the male animus once again.
Total MEGO, man. Sorry. Way too long. Silly SEO pictures inserted at random to bump up the score. Cut it in half outright and then edit for style. Give you a much tighter article with a lot more emotional punch.
Score? Someone's keeping score? How do I win? What can I win?
Dammit, nobody in the break room said anything about keeping score. Why am I always the last one to know?
Pandas and Penguins, oh my. No need to pretend otherwise.
Marriage is a government racket, enabling lawyers, judges, child advocates and other such to have employment. Why buy a license from the government to marry, enabling government sanctioned parasites to share later in your earnings/wealth? Is the marriage benefit in taxes worth the risk? Why not make the vows to each other and skip the government's license?
Marriage ought be a relationship of trust, not a legal contract.
And gays are still fighting for the "right" to have to pay lawyers tens of thousands of dollars in order to leave each other. <sigh...>
"...refrain from talking about collapsing currencies, government lies and so on..."
How is it possible to have a good conversation without one of these entering into it?
</s>
If 'talking about collapsing currencies, government lies and so on' is a major stumbling block, as it was in the fictional story, then one must avoid stumbling on this block if we hope to begin a dialogue.
This was not a "how to" instruction manual to be used when approaching a reluctant spouse. This was an example specific to this fictional story. One size does not fit all.
Women?
NOTE: Freud likened them to the 'dark continent'.
nuff said!
:|
I thoroughly enjoy your articles C.D.
I'm sure many of your thoughts are shared by other readers here...
My own relationship with my ex. ended because we both couldn't take that step. It's tough for an individual to let go of one's ego, self-image, and acceptance of "the big lie" which at times manifests itself into the relationship itself. It's tougher when nearly all your relationships with other peers, friends, and family members support "the big lie" and... I believe it's even tougher if you're female, because the psychological programming from near-birth is so blindingly powerful, effective, and relentless.
"It's tough for an individual to let go of one's ego, self-image, and acceptance of "the big lie" which at times manifests itself into the relationship itself."
Nice synopses.
The big lie, when believed in whole or part by anyone, is so much more complicated than just 'a' lie. It is an intricately entangled web of string, wire, rods, clips and every other fastener in the book. One simply can't remove an item from the mess and declare themselves 'fixed' and on the mend. Once we start the disassembly there is no turning back. It is a process few wish to begin, let alone work through to the end.