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Khristmas Krap
It's hard for me to imagine a more appropriate way to celebrate the birth of the redeemer of our sins and the lamb of God than the shameless purchase of a bunch of useless crap that no one wants or needs. Having done a bit of flying recently, I took the opportunity to once again peruse the SkyMall catalog, from which I humbly offer these last-minute ideas:
Darth Vader Toast -"As the two suns rise over Tatooine (or just that single one over Earth), you'll 
make your toast and marvel at Star Wars logo branded into it. Be the first of your friends to place this on the countertop: Darth Vader's helmet, dispensing perfectly prepared breakfast bread." OK, look - I'm a Star Wars kid. I first saw it in 1977 and was hooked for life. But this is one of those kinds of gifts I can't stand, because it is basically interesting and amusing for, oh, about one piece of toast. No one actually wants this. Certainly no one needs this. There are countless better ways to spend $45 than a device that will burn a logo onto your bread.
Inspiration Coins - "Take the coin inscribed with that word, tuck it in your pocket, know it's there throughout the day. Etched 3" wood box comes with nine coins (also Love, Courage, Luck, Inspiration, and Confidence)." There have certainly been times in my life when I've needed any of the four valued dispositions listed above. If I need confidence, for example, I might spend some time quietly thinking about past successes or perhaps write a letter to myself expressing any concerns I've got and how I'm best going to address them. What I do not think would be of aid, however, would be taking a coin with the word "Confidence" on it and shoving it into my pants pocket. Are people really this superstitious? If you want "luck" in your life, and you're counting on an amulet to bring it - - well - - lots of luck, pal.
Gnome Skeletons - "Just when you think you've seen them all, these overworked garden 
friends will make your neighbors and passersby look twice. They've been garden-guarding so long they're nothing but bones." OK, so let's consider this: I think we can all agree that putting gnomes in your garden is borderline acceptable. I mean, it's kitschy enough that you can probably get away with it, although you are definitely taking a risk of lapsing into full-blown tacky. But........a gnome stripped utterly of its flesh? What the hell, people?
Ass Enhancer - "This Leo men's
padded butt enhancer brief has all the benefits of a regular brief, but with removable contour padding and a special design to lift your butt. " I am not a particularly vain person, so perhaps 
this one simply eludes me. In our society, there are certainly gender-based body biases which we encounter constantly. The ideal sexualized female form is supposed to have large breasts, a thin waist, and wide, child-bearing hips. For a man, the ideal is muscles and a rugged handsomeness. I've been married far too long to lay awake at night trying to think of how to make myself more physically desirable to women, but even if I were to engage in such a thought exercise, the last thing that would occur to me would be to make my rear look larger than normal. I'm sure this would appeal to a certain demographic, but I don't want to interact with the members therein.
Sound Wave Art - "Voice Art is 100% personalized artwork created by your sound waves. You can 
transform your favorite saying into a masterpiece, ready to hang on the wall for you and others to admire. It's the worlds most sentimental art, 100% you and your message. It's the perfect place to say "I Love You", "Happy Anniversary", or even display your baby's heartbeat!" So in case you're not clear on this, the idea is that you can say, for example, "This Gift Really Sucks", and they will make a poster of that sound wave for the lucky recipient. Skymall wants as much as $855 for this, by the way. Any PC is utterly capable of capturing your "message", and you can print it out on a lovely 8.5 by 11 piece of paper, stick it on the wall, and enjoy virtually the entire benefit you would garner, saving $854.99 to boot! You're welcome.
Jumping Hot Dog - "Then they will LOVE the Jumping Hot Dog, by Waliki. Often used in therapy and 
for developing balance and coordination skills. Now hot dogs can finally be healthy! Can be inflated to different sizes. Now you can finally play with your food!" Elephantitis of the balls, anyone? The expression on this poor chap's face pretty much sums it up. The shame of springing around the neighborhood on this thing will probably be curtailed by forthcoming cranial injuries when junior does one hop too many.
And, with that, I wish you all a Merry Christmas, and God bless us, everyone.
- advertisements -
I've often wondered what the mainland Chinese who make these things in their factories must think of Americans...
We're at that "certain age" where utility value scores above appearance value. Gifts have to have a durable use, appearance being secondary.
Lego is an ageless gift.
Or Meccano.
Be a wise man. Give gold and silver. (I think the market for Frankinsense and Myrrh is a bit soft these days)
We give our homemade Pierogi as Christmas gifts, though have received a few 'Golden Ones' as gifts that most years make it onto the tree.
Merry Christmas to All
Be thankful for all that you have
And hold on tight
Real pierogies are a fabulous gift.
"It's hard for me to imagine a more appropriate way to celebrate the birth of the redeemer of our sins and the lamb of God "
well, if you buy into this fairy tale, buying the rest of this shit should be no problem. lol
I took a steaming shit in a box. Wrapped it up all nice and pretty, placed a bow and everything. I went next door about midnight and placed it on my next door neighbors porch. Small payback for all the crap his dog leaves in my yard. Merry Christmas bitches!!
Did you remember to light it on fire and ring the doorbell?
Gnome zombies would be better sellers than gnome skeletons.
The Chinese must think we have completely lost our minds.
Those gnomes are Halloween leftovers......
I don't care if it rains or freezes, 'long as I got my plastic Jesus...riding on the dashboard of my car.
Merry Festivus!
Haha, I looked at that same SkyMall catalogue on my last flight, and felt a shameful desire for the Christmas Tree Pierogi ornament: http://www.skymall.com/pierogi-ornament/CD3693.html. But I didn't buy it.
If the marketers are doing their job, we should want EVERYTHING!
They are even more desireable in the online ad than in the print catalogue, since you can zoom in. I just read all 81 reviews and not a single purchaser was disappointed in any way (well, one suggested that it would be more authentic if the pierogi were slightly smaller, but that is ridiculous). The more I think about the Pierogi Christmas Ornament, the more desireable the Darth Vader toaster becomes, and a Dr. Who bathrobe that they are also selling. However, I still have no desire whatsoever for the male bottom-enhancer; boy is that wierd. I haven't bought any consumer crap in years, so maybe my brain is rebelling.
I want ll of those except the sound vibration poster and the jumping hot dog...and I already have an ass pad...
Moar shit from China!!! bring it.
good laugh and a very Merry one to you all.
I kinda want the Star Wars toaster.
I'm giving fresh roasted coffee. Everyone who is anyone (real men and real women) love it. City+ if you must know.
Bought my wife a hand mill and buckets of grain and beans this year. The entertainment provided by the beans I expect will be more wholesome than anything on TV New Year's.
For Christmas I bought more things I don't need with money I don't have to impress people I don't like.
Worked on Wall Street a while back - in operations not the financial side so don't hold me too much in contempt.
The f'ucking execs EXPECTED gifts from their underlings... one of the MANY reasons I walked away. (They'd sell their mothers, wives and daughters if the price was right.)
My Christmas gifts to me are a P.C. dovetail jig with box and miniature templates.
Gonna’ make some presentation cases for my bestest pisto’les.
Tools for my luthier hobby, and LOTS of exciting lingerie for Mrs. Gavrikon. She's still naive enough to believe that they are really for HER.
The Star Wars toaster is the best thing to come out since.....well.....sliced bread. And who doesn't want their ass enhanced?
<Mrs. Cog made me stop wearing my ass enhancer because the padding would bunch up and look like I had a smelly load in my pants.> :-)
On a more serious note I no longer celebrate a commercial Christmas and have not for more than a decade. The holiday, such that it is, have been debased into something entirely unrecognizable and meaningless.
You mean the potato is supposed to go in front????
I love that joke, time to revive it for the holidays. Thanks.