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The Last-Minute Christmas Shopping Tip List

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Battling the mob of moar-buyers in the mall? Here are some crucial tips...

 

 

h/t @ThePoke

 

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Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:00 | 5589977 Stained Class
Stained Class's picture

Merry Christmas you guys! I heart ZeroHedge!

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:38 | 5590030 tplink
tplink's picture

my roomate's ex-wife makes $76 every hour on the laptop . She has been out of work for ten months but last month her income was $13335 just working on the laptop for a few hours. read... WWW.WORKS3.COM

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:45 | 5590040 Creepy A. Cracker
Creepy A. Cracker's picture

Since your roomate's ex-wife is a porn actress - I'm curious, have you done it with her?

Thu, 12/25/2014 - 01:49 | 5590385 WayBehind
WayBehind's picture

He cant get it up, therefore the answer is no ...

Thu, 12/25/2014 - 04:45 | 5590483 tarabel
tarabel's picture

 

 

Well, my roommate's ex-wife can afford a smart phone. Alimony's a bitch so she doesn't have to work at all. Too bad your roommate is such a loser that his ex-wife has to actually work for a living.

PS -- which one of you guys drives the purple Gremlin with the green passenger-side door? You realize it's getting towed right now? Better get your ass out into the parking lot before you end up taking the bus to work tomorrow.

Thu, 12/25/2014 - 08:19 | 5590613 Gavrikon
Gavrikon's picture

Perhaps you should consider giving free blow jobs down at the docks until you get enough self-respect back to stop spamming legitimate comment sections.

Thu, 12/25/2014 - 10:57 | 5590772 Elliott Eldrich
Elliott Eldrich's picture

The obvious question being, if it's so easy to make the big bucks working at the scam you've linked to, then why aren't you doing exactly that right now, instead of making pennies per posting with the spam you've spewed onto this thread? Barnum was right, there is a sucker born every minute, but hasn't this particular scam run its course by now? At this point, you'd need someone dumb enough to go for some Nigerian prince scam to actually click on your little virus-farm link. 

Thu, 12/25/2014 - 15:32 | 5591276 Cynicles
Cynicles's picture

Logic dictates you & your roomate have not made any money because this is a scam. 

Thanks for the laughs, bot

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:01 | 5589979 Bárðarbunga
Bárðarbunga's picture

Meh. Banzai could do much better.

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:04 | 5589982 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 You can't buy common sense. I love Zero Hedge and all her former prodigy

These figures dont add up

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:07 | 5589988 Ralph Spoilsport
Ralph Spoilsport's picture

Merry Christmas Yen!

Message received. Nothing adds up these days. Not here, not anywhere.

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:19 | 5590006 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 Thanks Ralph. I like people with self esteem.

 I hope you have a fantstic Christmas and wonderful '15. You deserve it. ;-)

 I see good things in your life. ;-D

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:08 | 5589989 Barnaby
Barnaby's picture

This diagram left out the pensioner skewered on a satay kebab. I want my Internets back!

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:11 | 5589994 Catullus
Catullus's picture

True story: I'm going to albertson's of all places because holy shit traffic sucks. Get to this shopping center where a Honeybaked Ham is. Line out the door and wrapping around. Poor souls.

I go into the grocery store. Select my items and horrible bread (I'm Italian, it matters). Guy behind on me on the express lane has 12 hams and 5 turkeys. I ask him what's up. He says he's going to sell them to the people standing outside of Honeybaked ham.

I can see his little arbitrage. But here's the thing: people who wait on lines on Christmas Eve don't give a shit about their time. They do this every year. It's their routine. It's their little act of contrition. They waited on line for that ham in the cold for an hour and they barely got this ham but they did it! For you.

I bet the guy is still standing there wondering why he can't sell a ham on Christmas Eve.

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:15 | 5589999 Barnaby
Barnaby's picture

You could call him Ham Solo.

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:25 | 5590012 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Or a fucking idiot.....

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:31 | 5590010 Lore
Lore's picture

Naw, I would expect some to buy from him and then spend free time at the local pub, like I am about to do.

Merry Christmas everybody! God bless us all in 2015!  Gan Bei!  Don't drink and drive.

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:13 | 5589995 Catullus
Catullus's picture

Dup

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:34 | 5590014 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Twas the night before Christmas and all through ZH, not a creature was stirring, not even the Tylers

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

The moon on the crest of the new-fallen snow gave the lustre of midday to objects below.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear but a bass boat and trailer out on the snow.

With a driver so quick I knew in a moment it must be Bernank- and I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.

He spoke not a world but went straight to his work,

He filled the boat with gold coins, new any shiny, then turned with a jerk, showing his hiney.

Next thing I knew, it was launched in the lake.  But sank straight to the bottom, leaving barely a wake.

With a wink and nod, I soon knew I had nothing to dread- I was the only one looking, only I knew!  The location of the coins hidden below.

He sprang to his hooptie, to his homies gave a whistle, and away they all raced like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim 'ere he drove out of sight, Merry Christams to all and to all a good night.

 

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:37 | 5590026 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 That was fantastic NoDebt. Eloquent/

   I can't wait to see pictures of that Grand National restored.  That bad boy stock, should run the quarter in the high 13's

 My 3 (stock) zo6's never broke 12 seconds. My 599GTO runs mid 11's

  I'm a "brake start" guy though.

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:47 | 5590042 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Thanks.

Only the rear axle under my car is from a Grand National.  It's an old 78 Malibu (I inherited it from my Grandmother with 33K original miles on the clicker) with a bit more motor than stock under the hood.  Enough to shear a few teeth off the ring gear of the weak, stock rear end.  If I can crack an 11.99 with it, I'll be happy.  Agreed on foot brake cars- that's all I run.  Transbrake is too hard on the parts and doesn't get you much at this power level anyway.

If I want to go faster, I just use one of my friends' cars (I got 'em in 10, 9 and 8-second varieties).  Hell, I helped do half the work on their cars anyway!

Thu, 12/25/2014 - 10:59 | 5590775 sleigher
sleigher's picture

Any reason why you are using the rear axle from the GN in your car?  

I had an 87 GN that I got into low 11's a few years back.  Sold it to my brother and his girlfriend totaled it.  :(  Worst mistake I have ever made was selling that car.

Anyways good luck with the car.  I still have an affinity for fast cars.  One day I will build another...

Thu, 12/25/2014 - 13:28 | 5591006 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Yes.  It's a perfect bolt-in under the Malibu except it needs a shorter GN-length driveshaft (both the 78-87 Malibu and the Grand National/Turbo Regal are "G-body" cars) and it's a lot stronger than the itty-bitty 7.5" ring gear rear end that came stock on the Malibu.  Mine was already making "death noises" after a couple years of just launching on street tires.  Put set of slicks back there and... KARUNCH!  

 

Thu, 12/25/2014 - 08:21 | 5590615 Gavrikon
Gavrikon's picture

But I heard him exclaim 'ere he drove out of sight, "Fuck all of you all, my Jew ass you may bite!"

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:30 | 5590019 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

I needed to go to the Kroger Marketplace to get some eggs for breakfast and a few lamb chops for dinner.

The frenzied mad rush of harried shoppers was tangible; felt like I was on a Delta Force mission with Chuck Norris.

I got in and got out fast; just no chopper - mild mannered 11 year old sedan doing below the speed limit.

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:37 | 5590028 DutchR
DutchR's picture

No hens onsite, you are slacking....

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:42 | 5590038 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 Ebbie you've missed your calling. \

  I see you as the El Capitan of the water ways.

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:51 | 5590060 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

+1 for that yen.

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 22:09 | 5590079 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

Hey thanks Yen.  Despite being a Pirate I got landlubber seasick last time I was on a real boat.

It was a 25 foot inboard - fishing off the East coast - that lost one of two props 40 miles out in a squall; started taking on water.  The boat was bobbing so much all you could see were the tops of the waves, no horizon, I was chumming something fierce.

The Captain and First Mate were nervous but didn't tell us (they thought I was passed out but I heard them).  They used the one prop left to get a speed where the bilge pumps could keep up, but it was slow.

We were 4 hours late back to the dock, just before dark, relatives were about to notify the Coast Guard.  At least we caught a couple of fish.  My head didn't stop bobbing on the waves until the next day around noon.

At different points in my life I have quit cold turkey:  tobacco, booze, cocaine, Women - so if I decide to feel the salt spray on my face once again I'm certain I can get my sea legs back.  Merry Christmas to you.

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:37 | 5590027 pan
pan's picture

Merry Christmas bitchez.....

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 21:41 | 5590037 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

By neglecting xmas shopping all their lives I've finally trained my children; they are now out buying gifts for each other, and I am home sipping seasonal ale. They call it tough love, but really I'm just lazy.

Happy Christmas all you ZH beotches. And good luck with all that shit you think is important cuz I still tell you, it ain't.

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 22:27 | 5590119 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

Cougar I hate this time of year and I went and spent way more digits than I should have.  It was an all male affair at the big box Chinese electronic junk store.  I should not have done it.  I just wanted to buy the kids something that I never had or could have dreamed of having and now the wife is pissed off at me.  I actually got a new ax handle for Christmas once.  I also received a live rooster that was brought me in a gunny sack with a bow tie on it.  Chaos ensued I assure you.     

There were several gifts like that but that I recall the roll of toilet paper with dollar bills in in it.  Someone took the time to unroll the entire roll and place a dollar bills at specific points so that eventually as you were wiping your ass you would find a dollar bill.  You have to admit that is good one for a present and it is also reality.   

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 22:52 | 5590160 Legalizemeth
Legalizemeth's picture

The day will come when you won't need to distinguish between the TP and the $. God bless us, every one.

Thu, 12/25/2014 - 13:08 | 5590960 Motorhead
Motorhead's picture

It costs money to produce TP; it costs nothing to produce US dollars.

Thu, 12/25/2014 - 01:41 | 5590374 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture

Spouse dragged me to Costco midday on the 24th (crowded but not as bad as I feared).  I agreed to go if we could first hit the beach (SoCal) so I could go out on the bodyboard and catch a few.  Waves were medium in size and a I caught a few and came in.  Water was cool and it was sunny and nice outside.

She asked what were we going to get for gifts.  I said get that 3-pound bag of pistachios.  We got it and now their are several sandwich bags on the coffee table filled with pistachios and tied with little ribbons.  I got the Christmas spirit now!

Thu, 12/25/2014 - 02:52 | 5590432 boattrash
boattrash's picture

Bought myself 2 pk of Marlboro Reds.  Loosies are just too fuckin dangerous.... Merry Christmas to all the ZHrs

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 22:08 | 5590077 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Merry Christmas Bitches. I hope Santa brings lots of band-aids cause 2015 is shaping up to be a bloody fucking mess. See ya in the trenches.....

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 22:13 | 5590093 lakecity55
lakecity55's picture

Merry Xmas, Bitchez!

PM's for Everyone!!!

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 23:29 | 5590220 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

Another Christmas miracle just occurred and I have not even had any Rum but I think I will have some after this.  We were looking for a place to put that new Xbox and my daughter went to close the glass door on the TV cabinet and in the blink the eye the whole glass door simply shattered and shards of glass went flying all over the living room.  Mrs M got mad about it but I happened to be staring directly at it when it happened and it was not my daughter's fault.  I saw it with my own eyes.  I would not believe any story like that if I had not seen it myself.  I only owned that cabinet for 15 years.

 

The wife, in a hurry, went to pick the glass up and managed to cut herself.  So far we have a blood drawn and broken glass and I haven't even started drinking yet.  I might not have to do anything!  The Christmas tree has not even been thrown off the balcony yet.   

Thu, 12/25/2014 - 00:13 | 5590294 Aussiekiwi
Aussiekiwi's picture

Got to love xmas, variations are playing out all over the world, the good part is you can go to sleep tonight and tomorrow it will all be over for another year....well except for the Bills

Thu, 12/25/2014 - 01:19 | 5590355 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

+1 for that AussieKiwii.  I wish you the best.

Thu, 12/25/2014 - 00:28 | 5590309 Blano
Blano's picture

Merry Christmas all.  I'm off to work.....blech!!!

Oh well.  Next year will be better.

Thu, 12/25/2014 - 01:16 | 5590352 Schmuck Raker
Schmuck Raker's picture

I've never heard of "Sainsbury's" so I'm not a fag.

There's one of my New Year's resolutions achieved.

Thu, 12/25/2014 - 02:30 | 5590419 TeethVillage88s
TeethVillage88s's picture

WTF? Are we 16 years old?

I spent my life looking at this shit. This is the most childish I've seen ever.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!