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"Twas The Day Before Xmas, And All Through The Fed..."

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Version 1 (via Wm The Shrubber)

Twas' two days before Christmas, and all through the Fed,
The minions were cheering,"Volatility is dead".
Portfolios were leveraged, with nary a care,
With assurances that liquidity, would always be there.

The indices climbed to new record heights,
With visions of higher; the Fed you don't fight.
My terminals blinking, and I at my desk,
I'd finally conceded, there was no more risk.

When in emerging markets there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my seat to see what was the matter.
Away to the Bloomberg, I flew like a flash,
Reviewed all the headlines and began to raise cash.

Europe was crashing, with Japan in more trouble,
China was slowing, and our markets a bubble.
When what to the pandering press should appear,
Soothing words from the Fed, and again markets cheered.

The algos u-turned, there'd be no more sellin',
I knew in an instant it must be Janet Yellen.
More rapid than eagles, her policies they came,
And she whistled and shouted and called them by name.

On stimulus, on TARP, on QEs 1, 2 and 3,
On Abenomics, on LTROs, the money is free.
$13TR and counting, we'll print 'til we die.
Prosperity from nothing, it's as easy as pie.

And then came the punchline, they'd found a new fix.
The Fed was preparing QEs 4, 5 and 6!
I often have asked, just how high is high.
I no longer question, I know to just buy.

The chairwoman smiled, a right jolly old elf.
The con worked again, she was proud of herself.
Fundamentals don't count, only faith in the Fed.
Investors the world over have nothing to dread.

A world drowning in debt, weighed down with deflation,
Was saved once again by more asset inflation.
And I heard her exclaim, as she cranked up her press,
Wish your kids Merry Christmas, they'll inherit this mess!

 

*  *  *

Version 2 (via @sobata416 at Triggers)

T’was the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
EM FX was stirring, and in Russia, there was a rout.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that #SantaYellen soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of US Treasury bonds danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief’, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
To the window I flew like next year’s rates forecast,
Tore open the shutters and threw up my cash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave the luster of gold guy’s shirt below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight #Fed reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and not sellin’,
I knew in a moment it must be #SantaYellen.
More rapid than oil’s price decline they came,
And she whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Now, Fischer! Now, Plosser! Now, Dudley and Evans!
On, Bullard! On, Mester! On, Powell and Williams!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the $SPY.
So up to the house-top the courses they flew,
With the sleigh full of Fed Notes, and #SantaYellen too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawning of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney #SantaYellen came with a bound.

She was dressed all in fur, from her head to her foot,
And her clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of liquidity she had flung on her back,
And she looked like a peddler, just opening her pack.

Her eyes – how they twinkled! Her dimples how merry!
Her cheeks were like roses, her nose like a cherry!
Her droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of her chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe she held tight in her teeth,
And the smoke it encircled her head like a wreath.
She had a broad face and an Android celly,
That shook when she got texts such as “when’s the next QE?”.

She was boring and lovely, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw her, in spite of myself!
A wink of her eye and a twist of her head,
Soon gave me to know that I loved the #Fed.

She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,
And filled all the stockings, as the markets turned with a jerk.
And laying her finger aside of her nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney she rose!

She sprang to her sleigh, to her team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard her exclaim, as she drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to the bears – good-night!

* * *

Happy Holidays...

 

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Wed, 12/24/2014 - 14:33 | 5589065 denverdolomte
denverdolomte's picture

I just hope this year I can be born to wealthy parents, so that I can invest money that I don't have.

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 14:40 | 5589097 Ahoy Polloi
Ahoy Polloi's picture

You're gonna have to donate some foreskin for that.

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 14:52 | 5589137 Latina Lover
Latina Lover's picture

Happy Hannukah Janet

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 14:52 | 5589077 Hohum
Hohum's picture

None of us create wealth

That much is true

So inflate those assets

So we don't cry boo hoo

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 14:38 | 5589079 jon dough
jon dough's picture

.

 

Yellen like a Felon...

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 14:39 | 5589084 alexmark2013
alexmark2013's picture
50 Numbers From 2014 That Sound Fake But That Are Actually Real http://investmentwatchblog.com/50-numbers-from-2014-that-sound-fake-but-that-are-actually-real/
Wed, 12/24/2014 - 14:42 | 5589104 fuu
fuu's picture

SiLvEr BiTcHeZ!

 

This year I would like to thank the following:

All the manipulators for making it easier to stack.

All the liars for keeping the herd preoccupied.

All the sock puppets for making me laugh.

All the smart people for making me think.

All the banned brethren for being free with their speech.

 

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 15:13 | 5589202 Usurious
Usurious's picture

 

 

Happy Holidays

Here is a little jem I found while researching the ZH archive section

 

Fri, 12/21/2012 - 22:39 | 3089173 LongSoupLine

''This isn't fucking morality, it's fucking financial and cultural genocide of the fucking middle class.

Fuck you Bernanke and the entire shit ass stinking fucking banking sector. Those fucks can burn and rot in a fucking landfill. Don't even fucking bother to bury those treasonous fucking assholes...

Other than that I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas.''

 

http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2012-12-21/morality-fed#comment-3089173

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 14:47 | 5589125 One And Only
Wed, 12/24/2014 - 14:49 | 5589131 Shekels
Shekels's picture

Fuck the debt  grandma Yellen. It's not mine.Your fiat paper is worthless.

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 14:53 | 5589147 Barnaby
Barnaby's picture

All right, listen up guys.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except... the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation

Flash, bang, breach the front door!
Please don't try and risk it
Armored government whore
Will turn you to brisket

To everyone raided this holiday night,
Please stay safe and alive to continue the fight

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 17:25 | 5589506 lordbyroniv
lordbyroniv's picture

Yipppy Kayyyyyyyy Yeeeeeeeeee

 

Mother fuckers!

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 14:54 | 5589148 lordbyroniv
lordbyroniv's picture

I hear lottsa calls for gold going sub 1000 this year

 

The Fed has regained control 'THEY' say

 

WE SHALL SEE

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 14:58 | 5589162 ebworthen
ebworthen's picture

Well done Wm The Shrubber!

Yellen is a Santa for the banks and the corporatocracy, but a Grinch for us Who's.

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 15:15 | 5589205 suteibu
suteibu's picture

I want to hear the first one recited by Boris Karloff. 

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 16:46 | 5589436 Ahoy Polloi
Ahoy Polloi's picture

I appreciate the poetry, but I'm gonna need to be convinced that 'The Shrubber' isn't Jeb Bush b4 I go 'all in'.

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 22:17 | 5590101 Eahudimac
Eahudimac's picture

Love your username and avatar. Caddy shack is the best flick ever made, imho.

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 15:10 | 5589199 Hawkey Schtick
Hawkey Schtick's picture

Hey look, comin' down the way
Guess who got back in town today
I know he's got some goodies on his sleigh
Could it be, why yes, it's Mr. Yellen

Slidin' sideways, kickin' up snow
Makin' a sound that goes ho ho ho
A big jelly belly and a cherry for a nose
Could it be, why yes, it's Mr. Yellen

Everywhere he goes, he's spreadin' Christmas cheer
Everybody knows he'll be back again next year
Mr. Yellen

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 15:29 | 5589255 Consuelo
Consuelo's picture

Someone put the Fed/Yellen/Christmas theme to:

'You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch'...

Wed, 12/24/2014 - 20:21 | 5589899 Panic Mode
Panic Mode's picture

We wish you a smelly pissmas and a crappy new year.

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