This page has been archived and commenting is disabled.

President Obama's New Year's Resolutions

Submitted by Tyler Durden on 01/02/2015 19:10 -0400

"Fixed..."

Source: Cagle Post via The Burning Platform

- advertisements -

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:13 | 5616667 Bumbu Sauce

Every statement the dog eating twink makes has an expiration date.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:16 | 5616680 El Oregonian

Did he also veto his Kenyan long form B/C?

I just thought I'd ask...

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:27 | 5616729 Ahoy Polloi

But then... the Hope & Change... RECEDED...

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:34 | 5616757 Truther

What a fucking drag.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:48 | 5616778 knukles

The Gathering Zeitgeist:

A young black kid, watching a panel discussion on CNN, asks his
mother, "Mama, what is Socialism and what is Racism?"

"Well, Child ... Socialism is when white folks work every day so we
can get all our shit free like free cell phones for each family
member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EBT, WIC, free school lunch, free
healthcare, utility subsidy, and on and on, ... you know. That's
Socialism."

"But mama, don't the white people get pissed off about that?"

"Sure they do honey, and that's called Racism."

Meanwhile, back home in the Mother Country:

https://tompride.wordpress.com/2014/12/19/ukip-suspend-winston-mckenzie-...

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:56 | 5616827 Pure Evil

The piece of paper he's writing on should say:

Kim Jong Un.....you didn't build that porch!

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 20:25 | 5616916 linniepar

Dont you mean issued a memorandum?

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 20:02 | 5616848 Ralph Spoilsport

Winston shoulda known his political career would go for a Burton when he criticized alternate lifestyle types in the UK. Nice tan for a brit though.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 23:59 | 5617511 Rock On Roger

"Father, don't ya know there's a nigger in your church?"

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:38 | 5616767 zorba THE GREEK

He should go work out with his buddy Harry Reid.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:14 | 5616676 NoDebt

I thought it was going to be an Executive Order declaring them complete.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:37 | 5616766 Truther

That was tasked to Sharpton

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 20:38 | 5616954 BaghdadBob

Upvoted just for the Nail Gun.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:14 | 5616679 NoDebt

"Do more fundraisers"

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:29 | 5616746 TheFourthStooge-ing

"Achieve quantum stupidity"

Sat, 01/03/2015 - 03:17 | 5617822 A Nanny Moose

lmao at "Quantum Stupidity"

Brilliant!!!

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:16 | 5616683 NoDebt

"Play more golf"

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:34 | 5616759 Truther

Reggie's balls

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:15 | 5616684 NoDebt

"Spend more quality time with Reggie"

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:28 | 5616733 kaiserhoff

Deport the Wookie.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:54 | 5616823 Pure Evil

Why?

Older (+50), fatter, ugly women need someone to compare themselves to so they can feel pretty.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 20:14 | 5616880 kaiserhoff

Can you imagine, waking up with something like that in your bed?

Talk about the screaming meemies...

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 21:39 | 5617148 Borrow Owl

Just chew your arm off and move along...

Sat, 01/03/2015 - 02:04 | 5617749 g'kar

"Deport the Wookie."

Kashyyyk revoked Mike's passport

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:17 | 5616688 nmewn

The only resolution he's ever kept is to destroy the country.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:17 | 5616689 NoDebt

Somebody else had better jump in here. I could do this all night.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:19 | 5616696 McMolotov

"Buy more mom jeans."

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:32 | 5616750 McMolotov

"Gather enough courage to ask Michelle to shave her back."

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:42 | 5616787 knukles

Gather enough courage to shave her back

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:51 | 5616810 SuperRay

"Don't get such a rush every time you lie"

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 20:27 | 5616886 kaiserhoff

Shave hell,

you're gonna need a weed eater.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:19 | 5616698 McMolotov

"Work up to 6-pound dumbbells."

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:31 | 5616740 ZerOhead

Attempt to build some calf muscles... heck... ANY muscles...

http://dinahlord.typepad.com/.a/6a00e008d9a3f9883401157144d7ff970c-pi

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:32 | 5616747 McMolotov

"Continue to slow the rising of the oceans, and heal the planet some more."

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:27 | 5616704 ZerOhead

Win the 2015 Nobel prize for Economics to match his equally well-earned 2009 Nobel Peace prize...

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:24 | 5616710 BlackChicken

Torture more folks..

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:25 | 5616719 McMolotov

"Try to be more fashionably late for press conferences."

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:25 | 5616725 HowdyDoody

Buy more golf balls.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:27 | 5616735 Pure Evil

Eat moar peas, bitchez!

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:21 | 5616700 bugs_

1. ruin more weddings, both domestic and abroad!

2. cut back on phsically abusing senators

3. close guantanamo completely, sell to cronies for resort development

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:23 | 5616705 Bay Area Guy

Resolutions imply that something about a person needs to improve. I doubt he thinks he has any flaws, so I'm sure he doesn't feel a need for resolutions.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:43 | 5616789 knukles

Improve my narcissism

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:58 | 5616833 Bay Area Guy

OK, you got me with that one!

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:23 | 5616714 Bumbu Sauce

See more fallen corp(se)men.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:28 | 5616731 JustObserving

So many Muslim countries and I have bombed only seven.

Must bomb a few more in 2015.

And a few billion more for the covert war against Russia in Ukraine.

And to blame Kim Jong-un for the next cyberattack.

Back to golf

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:27 | 5616732 Bumbu Sauce

Make more "car in the ditch" and slurpee analogies.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:30 | 5616739 noben

"Get a 'Skull & Bones' tattoo on my butt-cheek -- the way Bush Sr, Bush Jr and Horse-face do."

What? You didn't know that? Jeez.

I guess you don't know about the O-ring mark on Bill Clinton's bratwurst either. Or about Hitlery's clit-piercing. A real ZHer would know these things. You don't think the S/S guys "talk", especially when partying abroad? LOL. Poor, naive sheep. Why do you think that they had to hot-swap so many S/S guys during our Deal Leader's reign?

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:30 | 5616741 kchrisc

CIA-Obama's New Year Resolutions:

Keep pretending to be straight, anti-Israel, college educated, a toastmaster, not a CIA stooge, ISIS is not Langley or Glilot Junction, a Constitutional scholar, mother not a whore...

The banksters need to repay us.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:30 | 5616744 Bumbu Sauce

Maybe he'll do the Hajj this year.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:29 | 5616745 MrButtoMcFarty

1. Fuck Whitey!

2. Pay Banksters.

3. See #2.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:31 | 5616752 opport.knocks

Stop playing the rest of the world for fools....

December 18th, 2014...

Morning: "Fifty years of sanctions against Cuba have not worked, they did not provide the desired outcome and only served to impoverish the Cuban people."

Afternoon: Signs a bill authorizing more sanctions against Russia and Crimea.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:46 | 5616801 knukles

Now That's What I'm Talkin' 'Bout!

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 20:10 | 5616869 ClowardPiven2016

"Fifty years of sanctions against Cuba have not worked, they did not provide the desired outcome and only served to impoverish the Cuban people."

Therefore... we are now making them eligible for "development loans" from the IMF.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 20:34 | 5616946 Mentaliusanything

Now that's absolute absurdity......

rolls over....What's on TV

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:37 | 5616769 surf0766

Last week sanctions didn't work for cuba.. This week they will work for N.K.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:40 | 5616779 surf0766

1 - 1000 Call Reggie

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:42 | 5616786 NubianSundance

1. I promise to stop behaving like Grand Moff Tarkin.

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:49 | 5616808 surf0766

1001. Get reparations passed

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 19:52 | 5616816 SickDollar

Emperor Inspector Obamus Maximianus Idiotus at his best

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 20:18 | 5616892 Fuku Ben

The SS are never that close to him unless they know nobody's planning to jump the fence and make it all the way into his office unmolested to send him a message

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 20:31 | 5616935 SillySalesmanQu...

"Appoint an A.G. who might actually prosecute crimes committed by banksters and traders."

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 20:59 | 5617016 disabledvet

Or at least cover me when the race riots break out. Sometime these revolutions are real actually.

How history covers these things is always interesting...

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 20:48 | 5616985 SillySalesmanQu...

"I promise to quit spending taxpayers money like a drunken sailor on shore leave."

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 21:13 | 5617064 mototard

As a former sailor, I take exception to this comment. We only drank the money we had. We did not drink everyone else's money nor borrow anything we could not pay back in two weeks. Just sayin'.... :-)

Fri, 01/02/2015 - 21:16 | 5617065 dexter_morgan