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INFLaTaBLe YeLLeN TiMe...

Submitted by williambanzai7 on 01/04/2015 13:12 -0400

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Mon, 01/05/2015 - 15:04 | 5624183 Mi Naem

So ya mean that squeaky noise ain't the bed springs?

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 11:43 | 5623674 buzzsaw99

that thing gave me an innie

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 04:50 | 5622805 toadold

I don't think even Honzo the Razor could do it to a Janet Yellen.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 04:33 | 5622781 janus

O-M-G!, bitchez...have you heard? "selma" the movie is about to release nation-wide (even in selma, alabama). i'm so goddam excited i can't control my bladder; janus is positively incontinent at the thought of this saga exposing the horrors of southern injustice. the smart money is on an oscar sweep...shit, negroes, if selma don't sweep in march, i expect to see watts in flames! {side note: either way, by march's ides, i expect to see watts in flames.}

believe it or not, janus spent some time in selma...love the town -- no shit...selma's full of good people. for the whole of 2007's summer (and then some), i spent my days selling to the local business-owners and my nights carousing selma's bars and hospitable homes. "the swamp" (i'm sure it's on-line) was my fav...right over the edmund pettis bridge there sits a bar overlooking the alabama river. this bar is (unofficially) all-white, cause no-one would go if it weren't. and it isn't that the good people of selma are racist; they just get sick of dealing with negroes all fuckin day...and the last thing they want to see, right as they're about to tip back that first frosty bud, is sambo shuckin & jivin.

i've reams & reams of stories from my summer in selma; but for now i'd like to isolate the action on one of its queer features. believe it or not, selma forever had a thriving jewish population. you see, jews owned most of the gins back in the day; and when cotton was king, selma was 'the' place in the 'black-belt' where farmers would come to strip strands from seeds and sell the fluffy stuff to traders from new orleans. and this also explains the abundant night-life. when baptist farmers come to market and sell their cotton, far away from their homes and wives, the last thing they want to be is devoutly baptist.

i mention this because selma is a mecca for jews. they avidly flock to selma from NY, LA, boston, toronto..., all of them frothing at the mouth with furious indignation at we evil white protestants -- tsk-tsking as they tour the city's many civil-rights museums...the scorn is palpable from these far-flung agitators, who all need to remove the plank from their eyes before they start pointing out the speck in ours.

anyway, it fascinated me to learn that selma's resident jews despised these interlopers more than janus. janus befriended a couple, and i would howl as he told stories of girls from long island who'd trekked down to meet the poor jewish kid trapped in hell of prejudice and bigotry there in selma, only for her to be flabbergasted at his own opinions on the matter. all of which is partly why selma, believe it or not, was governed by many a jewish mayor for much of its past.

and that got me thinkin about something. in alabama it's wrong for one part of the population to say, 'we define ourselves as special and distinct from 'others' and we do not want to dilute that specialness with anything we so choose to define as 'other'.' and if every television show, movie, civics class, newspaper, magazine is right, then one population defining itself as special and distinct from another within its border is the wrongest of wrong...that shit's like fuckin hitler-wrong.

and so i wonder...when is there going to be the maudlin hollywood saga entitled "east jerusalem"? or "the wall" or "coiled barbed wire and a water ration".

and so i ask you, judah: what's it gonna be? as Kierkegaard would say, "either/or."

oh, but i think i know what you'll choose...

funny thing, as i was cogitating on what i know the jew'll choose, i had a vision:

in some future time i saw a negro atlantis. there they were, black as coal, grinnin from ear to ear in their paradise free of whites...it was a glorious thing. by dint of their advanced and harmonious tendencies to co-operation and selflessness, the negro had peacefully taken over the world. their civilization erupted with plenty for all; all the world adopted the ways of this new negro atlantis, for it was impossible to deny its evident superiority.

verily, a golden coon's age.

in this vision janus was granted the rare honor of touring negro-atlantis' capital, tuskeegee, alabama. and a rare honor it was because negro-atlantis was the most racist place in the new world...it was like a mecca for blacks, you couldn't step-foot if it wasn't dark on top and light on the bottom. janus was invited so the negro could show -- incontrovertibly -- that we'd been a menacing blight on their progress...always holdin back and exploitin the black man. now they'd prove it to me!

allow me to share with you all some of the wonders beheld: there were everywhere these amazing transportation devices. they had two wheels with sprockets on each; a chain linking the sprockets was spun by its passenger with something i call 'pedals' (because they are pushed by the feet); the steering is accomplished utilizing a device that can only be described as a 'handle-bar'; and the contraption moved slightly faster than the many who were always sprinting everywhere. these were obviously some highly complex machines; for most that i saw were sitting broken and rusted -- and in an advanced civilization like that, you'd expect expert repair shops everywhere.

like i said, every so often some noble negro citizen of his atlantis would sprint hither and yon; whatever they were doing must've been really important -- and that's probably why their transportation mechanisms sat broken and rusted.

the emperor of negro-atlantis then turned to me and boasted, "know what, cracker mutha-fuckah, we ain't got no guns, nigger! what you think think bout dat, fool!"

after asking how this impossible feat was accomplished (i mean how, pray tell, do you disarm a strong and proud people like the negro?), the emperor of negro atlantis, kunta-kinte-mocha-latte III, exclaimed that they still had plenty of guns, it's just that (his words, not mine), "none of those sorry niggers could figure out how to make bullets." and, ironically, he was sorta upset about this privation of ammunition. he must'a asked me 3 times if i was holdin bullets of any caliber, said he had about (his words, not mine), "two dozens sorry niggers he'd love to pop a cap in."

kunta-kinte-mocha-latte III sure did use some 'colorful' language.

we then took a tour of his "edumacational" facilities. there was but one serving a population of 33 million. it covered everything from kindergarten to the highly advanced courses of fifth grade; after which they were all given doctorates...at graduation, it's a flood of malt-liquor & step-dancin -- a 'colorful' pageant of delicate subtlety. this year's graduating class saw fifteen diplomas issued -- a new record in negro atlantis. the class slogan, "just chillin...you know."

there were jobs for the taking. since kunta-kinte-mocha-latte III expanded the NBA to 14,000 teams, the nagging problem of unemployment what had plagued the glorious empire for so very long was suddenly solved with the stroke of a pen and a super-broad grin. they would've aired the signing ceremony, but, unfortunately, the electricity'd been cut off (for a few centuries), and all the TV's had been long-since pawned.

now, one of the minor blots on an otherwise sterling experience was everywhere apparent. let me put it like this: if you like food, you'll be disappointed in the negro atlantis...and it isn't so much that their food is unpalatable, it's just that there isn't any to be had. the bolsheviks are amateurs next to the negro...if you want to destroy productivity, incentive and commerce, look to the shining city on a hill: the negro atlantis.

i then took a tour of the capital's museum. one word: graffiti. no, really, that's all there was, inside and out. the curator sat in a corner smoking crack. one word: astonishing!

the prison is mostly empty. there are a few dozen inmates, all of them incarcerated for crimes associated with reading.

there were no cops. there were no criminals. they didn't keep crime statistics because crime was abolished. nothing was illegal. except for the crimes of "trippin", "malice aforethought of trippin", "accessory before and/or after the act of trippin" and "aggravated trippin"...all of which carried immediate and trial-less death by chimp-out.

now, you may think this city would go dark at night's fall...think again! the city's dirt-path-promonades were continually ablaze with the glow of burning tires. in fact, that's what's emblazoned on negro atlantis' flag: a flamin tire with the words, "one repuubick, indivisemebul, and don't be trippin!"

parting is such sweet sorrow; and upon departing this magnificent civilization, the sorrow was so wonderfully sweet...in fact, the sorrow was so sweet, i don't think i will be accepting any more invitations -- i don't know if i can take so much sweet sorrow anymore.

aaaaaand, end vision.

well, i hope that's an acceptable start to this, the year of our Lord, two thousand & fifteen, the year of hate.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxEmry5lRKk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFIVUpSpMJw

janus

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 07:19 | 5622918 WTFUD

Is that ANUS with a Capital j? Go figure!

Replacing an elderly bearded man with an elderly bearded woman helps with continuity.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 09:44 | 5623154 Manipuflation

He is doing a style of writing which reminds of me the "Lost Generation" but in his own way. Faulkner? Joyce? His allusions are well thought out.

Sun, 01/04/2015 - 23:34 | 5622391 That_shits_broken

Get to work Mr. Bullard!

Sun, 01/04/2015 - 23:11 | 5622322 the grateful un...

when i first saw the top image i thought 12 month REPO, and i thought holy christ, Yellen is handing out candy again, so i googled 12 month REPO and i found out the RUSSIAN cental bank is making 12 month REPOs available. then i went back to see the rest of the word REPO is REPORT. anyway if and when Yellen starts up the REPO program, and she will in order to keep all that float QE brought going, well then you want to read Mogambo Guru, who keeps tracks of those things. before QE there was REPO and of course POMO which you know about already. its simply revolving credit at ZIRP rates, if youre a bank you open a line of REPO, invest in stocks and pocket the difference, although you can keep rolling those REPOs over for as long as anyone ever though the can can be kicked. so if you miss QE, dont worry, REPO is here to take its place.

Sun, 01/04/2015 - 22:04 | 5622135 WTFRLY

How did a Sandy Hook victim end up mourned as dying in the recent Pakistan school attack?

20,000 Ebola cases later…

HR 428 sponsors to increase pressure for release of 9/11 Commission’s 28 classified pages

Sun, 01/04/2015 - 21:55 | 5622107 q99x2

You've heard of the lesbian sex, the gay sex, the pedophile sex and now we have Yellen. the face of the greed sex. Play a tune for us Janet.

Sun, 01/04/2015 - 21:21 | 5622011 HerrDoktor

Larry Summers' image is visual proof the the Ferengi are actually space Jews

Sun, 01/04/2015 - 20:48 | 5621928 the grateful un...

isn't that the inflationable Yellen?

Sun, 01/04/2015 - 20:35 | 5621882 pupdog1

This picture of Larry Summers is much too flattering.

Sun, 01/04/2015 - 20:21 | 5621843 hangemhigh77

was Boris Yeltson Janet's Dad?

Sun, 01/04/2015 - 20:10 | 5621819 janus

thanks a lot, WildBill! now i'll never be able to look my sex doll in the face again.

i'll admit, it's difficult to not want one of these things...but there's already so many items on my 2015 xmas list -- and i don't see how i can make room for an inflatable yellen at this point.

sure, as for xmas 2015, i'm counting on so many presents from so many people (i expect to at this time next year be swimming in gifts...xmas has always been so good to me); but this is amorica, and the best presents are the ones you give yourself.

which is why we engage in the custom of 'new year's resolutions' in this country. we solemnly resolve to give ourselves this or that improvement; and then off we go, chin pointed proudly at the prospect of a more profitable annum.

as for janus, i reckon it's time he had himself an attitude adjustment...for so long in life, i kicked against the pricks; couldn't beat em and wouldn't join em. and it isn't so much that i want to join em, it is rather that i'd like to beat em...red-headed-step-child, rented-mule type beatin. they keep askin for it, and i steadfastly refuse to give them that for which they plead...i try to be the nice guy and invariably end up suffering for it? this just isn't fair.

someone said something to janus the other day and its profundity struck me like a thunderbolt. "nice guys finish last." what? say it isn't so! and because the possibility of this had never before occurred, i had to think over it thoughtfully. at the end of my thinking was a conclusion of its inescapable validity. nice guys really do finish last. but, in all sincerity, that truly shouldn't be. we have a system set up to ensure this principal remains en force; its beneficiaries are the the bad guys, the subverters of the nice...they live on the blood of the good, like ticks and head-lice.

know how to deal with a tick? you burn it off, melt its head with the match and toss it in the commode. head lice? poison em. you don't try and reason with them; they just giggle and keep on sucking.

that's more than enough ado...time to get down to my 2015 resolution: no more mr. nice guy for janus.

many are now probably puzzled...thinking to yourselves, 'why, janus, you've been so impossibly genteel on these pages; never once being naughty or harsh...you've conducted yourself with unimpeachable decorum, never once provoking the sensitive reader. this change of yours sounds like a radical departure from your customs on the Hedge.' yeah, well, i'd have to agree with you all. i've been something of a pansy over the years; so please accept my apologies. i was way out of line with all that graciousness.

you know what else someone said to me the other day? well, i'll tell you anyway: "you've gotta fight fire with fire." where do people come up with these things? and it's oh-so true. sure, a good dousing will work with a lil ole brush fire, but when you've got a super-combustible inferno feeding on the pure hydrocarbon of satan's cinder, you've gotta blast back with fiercer stuff.

and in the spirit of fighting fire with fire, i'll explain how to use their game against them. okay, so, it's clear that one of the main elements in this whole new religion is the inversion of terms. feminists are anything but feminine; hope & change are corruption and cronies to abet it; peace is war; anti-racist is racist; objective truth is purely subjective and arbitrary opinion; i could go on...anyway, as i was saying, fight fire with fire.

and so, i do hereby inaugurate the year of our Lord, 2015, to be the "year of hate". if this is a world of 'love', i choose to traffic in its opposite -- whatsoever that may be. every tenet of this inverted world's perverse beliefs are to be reoriented to their proper gravitational alignment. nothing is sacred. their god is dead. janus will smash his idols in the street, crush his temples and slaughter his high priests. that's how things go with the purging of false religions.

the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was not in convincing us he doesn't exist; it's in tricking us into pitying him...i just don't feel badly for the guy; he's not the most sympathetic of protagonists.

{mrs. janus just got home and started yappin...sorry i had to end this prematurely -- it was gonna be hilarious}

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efq95Pfqt5U

janus

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 04:19 | 5622765 Manipuflation

You really do have a unique way with language. When I first met Janus I was wondering what this this guy was doing writing in first AND third person.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 04:46 | 5622802 janus

before reading Tyler's manifesto, i wasn't convinced concerning the merits of anonymity...and, truth be known, the philosophical sway of his arguments in favor of annonymity were part & parcel to my choosing ZH for this mischief...that, and his defense of free speech, and, of course, this being a money site i knew important people were taking note. so i started tinkering with this notion of 'otherness' that was still 'me'; and, philosophically speaking, this otherness was to inhabit another 'realm' (so to speak); and, naturally, the concept of demi-godery was for janus an attractive ideation...and then came the first, second & 3rd person references -- and since that permitted a certain layering and detachment from my 'true' sentiments, such that i could jostle them around, re-stack them and evaluate which were most compelling by contrast of my 'otherness', i kept at it. i'm glad i did. only, i wish i could pull it off in my book...it sucks to be constrained by POV.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 09:18 | 5623063 Manipuflation

I am glad you did.

Sun, 01/04/2015 - 22:12 | 5622099 Victory_Garden

You freaking rock, j!

Carnage in the laughter cage.

Ditto on the last WB7 post finale.

Gracias.

To you sir, and to ALL!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGpwKQo5_Z0

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 01:33 | 5622580 janus

de nada, and thank you.

and since i just inadvertently attributed the Dire Straits thanks to Logic Man, i figured i'd set things 'straight' with you, Victory Garden...reciprocity is everything with me; and i just couldn't let a great song go unrequited.

i'm gonna dedicate this song to my new year's resolution to hate with all my might...hatred takes lots of psychic energy and focus -- alcohol is a terrific impediment to both; and so it is that i'm going to have to drastically reduce my intake of the fermented stuff and concentrate on this resolution to hate. sure, i could drink alone in my room, stewing in a vacuum of indignation, all the while havin a great hoot-n-holler over all the objects of my hatred; but what harm would that cause these villains? none. and so i'm going to hop off the wagon less frequently and imbue this vitriol with all the potency that (relative) sobriety will yield. this hates gotta hurt. amorica's luv has just about killed me; and janus has gots ta luv it back.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntLsElbW9Xo

janus

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 04:03 | 5622754 Victory_Garden

Roh rah...Eve of Destruction.

Always a beautimus preview.

Universally speaking, of course.

Honored and blessed by your brilliant light, Sir J.

Bow down to that.

Reciprocations avast ye good and dear...have sum fun in yer bottle of cheer.

Shiver the timbers, and blow the billows away with your fire.

Hate on Pirate of the Seven Seas!!!

IHSV

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIaPIy4Mddg

Sun, 01/04/2015 - 21:09 | 5621984 logicalman

Pity the ball & chain showed up, just when you were getting going!

I have similar feelings myself - you put it rather well.

By the way, I've stuck to the N Y resolution I made in 1995 - never to make N Y resolutions!

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 01:11 | 5622539 janus

not to worry, my brother. it is a shame, though. janus had him a full head of steam worked up, and i was already laughing out-loud at the prospects for what was to proceed...but, damn it all, i've forgotten what amused me so. mrs. janus instead burdened me with some chic-drama so inane that i started casting about for a nail-gun. and then, so that we could spend time together, i had to endure an episode and a half of 24. spoiler alert! jack bauer saved the day...couldn't see that shit commin. but i set her straight. don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy or anything...i had to keep her ankles pinned behind her ears for more than 15 minutes before she'd finally shut up and go to sleep...women!

but now i'm back for another round of trouble-makin...after sending mrs. janus off to dance with the sand-man, i had a cup of coffee; then that made me jittery; so i stole a half from one of mrs. janus' valium bottle (she takes them very sparingly, which means there's plenty extra for when i want to steal them for recreational purposes...and even though i'm opposed to meds, i don't begrudge her the script -- i am VERY high-maintence); and after the half-valium settled in, i felt the same as when i started...caffine and valium will leave you back at simple-sober; so now i'm half way through my first bowl (of cereal..wink-wink), and the juices are starting to flow.

okay, maybe a song and some nicotine and i'll do my second installment for the night. i miss you guys during the week...sucks to actually have to work for a living.

btw, thanks for the Dire Straits, BIA.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50Qqe9TkGrc

janus

Sun, 01/04/2015 - 20:08 | 5621806 etudiant

Maybe use chickens rather than pigeons next time you do swarming.

Was it the late H Rap Brown who spoke of 'The sky is black with chickens coming home to roost'?

Sun, 01/04/2015 - 21:01 | 5621967 logicalman

Black swans?

Sun, 01/04/2015 - 19:59 | 5621781 logicalman

I put on my welder's mask and stood well back from the screen, just to be safe.

Good thing I did.

Off to eyebleach now.

Sun, 01/04/2015 - 15:14 | 5620997 tc06rtw

… do I detect a HINT of hostility?

Sun, 01/04/2015 - 13:21 | 5620727 williambanzai7

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 12:52 | 5624007 the grateful un...

when Hitchcock made the Birds there was a lot of speculation about the symbolism. most thought it was directed at the anti-communist witch hunts. Kim Novak was blackballed and Vertigo was pulled from distribution for a long time. Hitch himself had certain leftist leanings, at least as it applies to his craft. so it seemed he may have decided to move the action in Vertigo north a few miles from SF to Bodega Bay, and fire off a missive. all of Hitchs work is subversive, you dont have to look far, poor Janet Leigh gets stabbed in the shower, her character was an adulterous (by 50s standards) thief. Hitchs victims are never pure. in the Birds its a mob lawyer and the 50s version of Paris Hilton who get together. the other woman (the moral school teacher who carries the torch for Mitch) gets attacked and killed by the birds (Annie played by Suzanne Pleshette, better actress, and more attractive than Tippi) Hitch also liked to denigrate his beautiful actresses on screen, show them beaten and disheveled. (more of that in Marni) in order to slide a shive under the ribs of socalled upright American values. the film won Cahiers De Cinema award for film of the year. http://www.theguardian.com/film/2014/mar/13/michael-bay-alfred-hitchcock...

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 04:27 | 5622777 Svendblaaskaeg