ISIS Is Hiring

Tyler Durden's picture

Having previously searched for doctors, lawyers, and engineers; The Islamic State is now building out its workforce...


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Dre4dwolf's picture

What are they doing? making a pixar style movie?


knukles's picture

Got a couple old serious fuckup workmates I could recommend.
Do they trade bonds?

Richard Chesler's picture

My sister's brother in law gets paid over $87 per hour working for ISIS.


SoberOne's picture

Appealing to those currently "not in the labor force" I see.

kaiserhoff's picture

How many wirgins are they offering?

Manthong's picture

Benefits include company Toyota Hilux, AK-47, personal infidel sex slave and Osamacare gold plan insurance.


Pool Shark's picture



I'll bet they have a fabulous defined-benefit pension plan;... trouble is, you'll never make it to retirement...


MagicHandPuppet's picture

Is this a work-from-home opportunity?


weburke's picture

they want to lure more idiots to kill. the israelis really have outdone themselves with this isis ruse. 

TeamDepends's picture

Applicants must understand the right hand strokes Allah (peas be upon him), while the left hand slaps the kaffir into submission. Women and idiots of color encouraged to apply.

gold-is-not-dead's picture

WTF, 3d artist, is there some real estate bubble they are planning?

conscious being's picture

I think the nonFederal Reserve advertised a little while ago for the same kind of thing. Maybe they can share staff and cut overhead?

Lux Fiat's picture

I've heard they have an amazing severance package.  It's simply to die for.

seek's picture

They found it's more cost effective to do beheadings with CGI.

JuliaS's picture

And the Academy Award for best beheading goes to...

SoberOne's picture

Allan Hu and his masterpiece "Snackbar." Congratulations Allan!

ParkAveFlasher's picture

America, America, this is - youuuu

Ignatius's picture

My understanding is that Americans have a leg up in hiring preference.  Seems they've known our favorite Uncle Sam for years.

Lux Fiat's picture

Never in a million years would I have suspected that "akhbar" sounds like "snackbar" to western ears.  Guess that's what happens when you spend a couple of years in the middle east as a kid.

noben's picture
noben (not verified) JuliaS Jan 5, 2015 3:36 AM

Sterling Archer* of ISIS**, for Best Male Actor in a Lead Role... and his amazingly authentic looking decaps and faux accent.

*Codename "Duchess". 

** Special Agent for the International Secret Intelligence Service (ISIS), former cocaine dealer.

logicalman's picture

I'll guess they are pirating 3DS - Blender's cheaper and legal!


fudge's picture

Blender Shit ;-)

Maya + Miarmy = World WarZ

logicalman's picture

Less trouble cleaning up too!

ZH Snob's picture

where does one apply, Langley?

MontgomeryScott's picture

@I.S.I.S., to 'ZH_SNOB':

All applications submitted to our foreign branch in Langley, VA, will be forwarded to our main headquarters in the 'Bunker' in Haifa. Only serious enquiries will be entertained.

Of course, due to the E.E.O.C. act, only those with blood ties to the correct people will be considered (and those who have sworn allegiance to protecting those who like to kill people for the hell of it using any methods that mankind has devised in the past 6,000 years).

Thank you again for your inquiry.

'Baghdad Bob'

kaiserhoff's picture

That, or the Farm.  You could also try "cultural exchange dept" over at Frogy Bottom.

Wonder if I could sign up my ex???

gazmann's picture

I am shocked that people still believe this ISIS organization is legit??

It is a CIA Operation   setup to make an excuse for USSA to send troops on the ground.

seek's picture

I don't think too many ZH readers think ISIS exists as a legit, standalone entity.

Your average twitter viewer, however...

Burnbright's picture

Being that a standing army is extremely costly that means they are being bank rolled by someone. But yes most people lack such common sense. Who else would bank roll isis I wonder?

williambanzai7's picture

They left off crash dummies

asierguti's picture

Don't they hire central bankers, or just bankers in general?

DeadFred's picture

It's a terrrist organization, I think that means they are all central bankers.

noben's picture
noben (not verified) DeadFred Jan 5, 2015 2:43 AM

"Have Printing Plates, will finance."

Fresh C-Notes, right from the CIA Fin Min.

Surrealist's picture

What are the work conditions? Does ISIS pay over time? Is salary packaging available? What level of superannuation does ISIS pay? Is there an ISIS Union employees can opt to join? Does ISIS have an appropriate industry standard Occupational Health and Safety workplace policy?


WOAR's picture

You know jobs are scarce when people seriously consider this as an option.

Which they should. If someone offered you an opportunity to get out of the U.S. with a job lined up, why wouldn't you take it? You can dissappear into any other country after you get that paycheck...

Arnold's picture

First you would need a passport, way beyond all folks that can't even gain a photo ID to vote for their favorite perkie distributor here in the states.

They aren't recruiting dummies to build the Caliphate, just stooges.

Good Read.

upWising's picture

More importantly, are my questions:  WHERE is the Mission(ary Position) Statement?  Is there a Vision Statement or are there Shared Goals?  I need to see some branding here -- a consistent look (font, texture) and feel across platforms and faithful rendering of the corporate colours (black and ???).  These are the elements that really make an enterprise viable.  Until these crucial building blocks of statehood are in place (rotating "tag lines**" would be appropriate as well), I just can't even consider applying and having their lack of corporate identity blmish my job record.  Time will tell..........

*** examples: -- "A SHARP look forward to the past"

logicalman's picture

I think they are relying on the 72 virgins for severance & safety benefits!


OldPhart's picture

But I don't WANT to fuck a goat!!

effendi's picture

OldPhart, they are bisexual so you can fuck either a sheep or a goat.

dbTX's picture

Hey Rami tweet your posting to the NSA

MontgomeryScott's picture


I don't want the NSA to know about this, you silly person!



(this tweet sent by '' on my I-pad)

tarabel's picture



Man, that really sucks. I have a lot of experience as a senior-level munshid but my comp claim is about to come through.

Bumbu Sauce's picture

Boy, Obama's sunni boo's sure are industrious.

roadhazard's picture

ISIS ain't what it used to be. They will be lucky to have a flag let alone fly it over the White House. Sunni punks.

Hulk's picture

Lucky me !!! I got 10 years of munshid experience !!!

OldPhart's picture

Near as I can make out "Munshid" is a singer or showman...