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Monday Humor? Washington Begins Most Expensive "Jobs-For-Unskilled Workers" Program Ever
The New Yorker's Andy Borowitz biting satire takes a swing at back-to-work day tomorrow for America's newest politicians...
Unskilled Workers Report For New Jobs
Sixty-four unskilled workers will report to new jobs in Washington, D.C. on Tuesday as part of a federal jobs program that provides employment for people unable to find productive work elsewhere.
The new hires, who have no talents or abilities that would make them employable in most workplaces, will be earning a first-year salary of $174,000.
For that sum, the new employees will be expected to work a hundred and thirty-seven days a year, leaving them with two hundred and twenty-eight days of vacation.
Some critics have blasted the federal jobs program as too expensive, noting that the workers were chosen last November in a bloated and wasteful selection process that cost the nation nearly four billion dollars.
But Davis Logsdon, a University of Minnesota economics professor who specializes in labor issues, said that the program is necessary to provide work “for people who honestly cannot find employment anywhere else.”
“Expensive as this program is, it is much better to have these people in jobs than out on the street,” he said.
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Did Timmah G. get fired from that investment bank they were kettling him in?
reality is moving closer and closer to the absurd. This satirical piece could almost be overlooked amongst other headlines in the msm. Missing the BOLD in tylers, the piece got me for the first few seconds till I realised it was on about congress XD
Well, congress did openly accuse timmay of purposefully cheating on his taxes. then they approved him for SECTRES/IRS. They are all kinda in the same boat trying to get a job.
Do they still have souls ? What did it cost to get the job ?
Corruption. The only thing that ever changes is the form it takes.
Kickbacks, bribery, revolving door from public to private (and back again)...
It's only a matter of time until Congress passes the American Un-ability Act. Whereby creating benefits and protection for unable Americans. There are millions of Americans unable to do anything by or for themselves and it is time for the rest of Americans to recognize their 'Social Responsibility' to these people.
Do I need a fucking //sarc?
I don't want it to be sarc. If we paid certain people to not do jobs they are not capable of, the world would be a better place.
Many Members are well-qualified for top-flight positions in either the food-service or housekeeping industries.
Where do I apply? The only skill I have is typewriter assembly and repair. /sarc
Word on the street is that the typewriter is making a comeback...
I've been secretly buying them up off ebay for weeks. I have 3 of them now. Keep Stacking! /sarc
http://ktar.com/22/1784242/Typewriters-making-comeback-Phoenixarea-shop-taking-advantage
With Putney Swope as president, you'd expect this.
America is great, isn't it? Here I am, coming out of a former Soviet nation, with a part time job paying $15 an hour, while spending all my off time developing a software that would, hopefuly, get me to a better place in life...and all I had to do was just give up entirely, become unemployable, and I would be making six figures. Man, we sure did get the wrong instruction booklet to Murican Living when we came to the US.
You fucked up, Chewybunny. You trusted us.
White man.
Forked tongue.
Empty pockets.
I'm a shoe in!
All of them are members of congress, great joke.
I'd prefer to have them out on the street. Personally..
I would prefer to have their blood out on the street.
Naaaa, I'm easygoing myself, we should build a maximum security prison to feed and house congress and they can meet in the exercise yard. Hell, I'll even let them have conjugal visits twice a year.....
OT: Why work when you can buy bitcoin..and watch your money vaporize.
http://www.cnbc.com/id/102309754
Bitcoin? We are back to Greece now. Bitcoin isn't due in the rotation until after we start talking about ebola again. Try to keep up please ;->
Throw in an Asian airline crash too please...
I'll pay them that much NOT to work. Believe me, it'll be cheaper in the long run.
You and your great grandchildren already are.
If they aren't working, then where did all these damned laws come from?
Lobbyists.....
in other words, the very industries being "regulated" are allowed to write lawws most favorable to them, and so long as it doesnt impact anyone in congress negatively, it gets passed.
That's how they did Obozocare and it's working out just great.....
Forget not, Øbamatax required at least one SCOTUS justice to be bought, leased or rented.
Why not add on the rest of the Federal government as well?
Then have the States pass a limited two-year budget for the Army, and a six-year for the Navy & Air Force, just to keep ambitious foreigners from capitalizing on the situation.
Rinse and repeat until all the federal employees have passed away.
You'll save $TRILLIONS without cutting a single government job.
"Then have the States pass a limited two-year budget for the Army, and a six-year for the Navy & Air Force, just to keep ambitious foreigners from capitalizing on the situation."
Too late for that...
These poor souls are all underpaid. They need their salaries enhanced with some semi-precious metals like copper covered lead.
Free rush shipping too.
.... but wait..... there is more ...... the 1st 500 people will get not one not two BUT THREE enhanced devices.
(speechless)
I was about 10 seconds slow on getting that joke, kept thinking 174K sounds pretty sweeeet to me, budday.. I'd buy me an SUX-2000, no lie.
I always up-vote Robo Cop references.
Oh, so Congress is already back in session?
Oh yea, and all those repubs who just got in promising they would stop all the nonsense immediately rolled over like the obedient lapdogs they are.
Oh, so Congress is already back in season?
fixed it for you. you're welcome.
With a Masters in Munshiddery, this could be you too!...
I have no skills and can claim to live anywhere I need to. Can I get one of those jobs?
Are you a Native American? Or at least cheered for the Braves, Redskins, or Chiefs?
pods
I have some pretty high cheekbones, on my ass, and I like to drink, fight and gamble, so I suppose yes!
Despite your slightly overzealous use of the spacebar you clearly understand the fundamentals of keyboard operation and are therefore overqualified. Sorry :(
If it doesn't look like the picture, they are going to screw up your order...
banana republic.
MOAR gubbamint trying to inflate the economy - DEFLATION BARRY, get it asshole?
"typewriter assembly and repair"
Was that the school for the "galactically stupid"?
Finally something I qualify for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where do I apply???????????????????
lolz
Applying for it would imply you have SOME skills. To qualify for this program you must not posses such skills. They will spend billions on others to find you, then they will deliver the cashed funds to you, or perhaps a debit card!
Oh my fuck.... I was expecting to see a ridiculous wage of something like $15 an hour for the completely unskilled in any way 'workers', but $175,000? The completely insane are in charge!
Its a joke re: Congressmen.
He is also right by accident, or the sarcasm is very strong in him.
. . . and ALL the spouses of Congress Critters no doubt.
Of course the majority of the senate are lawyer scum. One third of congress are lawyer scum.
Shakespeare was, and is, correct in Henry The VI, Part 2 Act 4, scene 2: "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."
(It's a lawyer joke)
As I said - it's Crazyland over there. I am just glad I live next to Bárðarbunga. When that SO2 kicks in, it'll be over. Just take a deep breath and all your worries will be gone.
This is a joke, right?
.
WOW!!!!
There is no sugar coating this. It is absolute fucking lunacy,. The perfect specimen exemplifying this parasitic administration, and evolving Washington's political and corporate liberal elite mind-set.
$175,000 would pay for MANY years of collage on the path to productive lives for those interested in contributing to society. As for the bums..... eat dirt, bastards.
Shame on us for allowing this to go on at OUR expense!!!
Was gonna give you a downbump for apparently not getting the joke, but on reflection I honestly can't blame you. You are now entering the Onion Zone.
Have a greenie instead. It's gonna be a long fucking year...
It would certainly buy a lot of collage.
$174K per year vs. perhaps 4 convenience store stick-ups netting them $400...apparently they don't even have the skills for robbery so having them on the street seems to be a win-win.
We would be much better off with a benevolent king. Of course, the key word there being benevolent. But, compared to the self-made "kings" we toil under today, perhaps we should go ahead and roll the dice. Any worse conditions, under any form of governance, will result in revolt anyway.
'Benevolent King'?
That's like saying 'Dry Water'.
It is an oxymoron.
They are taking the incentives away for opening a small business or working.
I think I am going to quit and wait for .gov to give me that kind of coin so I can buy a house in Mexico and spend the winter there.
where can I sign up???
I am a total useless eater with a liberal arts degree in English Literature and an MBA,..and a law degree.
:(
And yet, the single most unskilled worker gets almost three tmes this salary, free access to a 747, free rent at a pretigious mansion, and if he worked 137 days it would be a personal record. and witty journals like The New Yorker applauded that program as "historic".
That is totally untrue. He is do a bang up job destroying this country.
The first lady of NYC hired a totally unskilled cop hater as her Chief of Staff. She made over $170,000 and somehow managed to lose a do nothing job.
They do less damage on their days off. Worth it at $174,000/year to tell them to stay home
Is this from the Onion? I'm honesttly asking, please, somebody tell me this is honestly satire. Ah who the fuck am I kidding lookg at this fucking country. I got ID'd to purchase nasal decongestant last night and my name put in a database. What a fucking joke.
How about training them as a Wall Street nail gun instructor?
Money well spent.
Sixty-four, huh? I'm glad to see they're making a dent in the unemployment rate. We should be out of the woods in 75 years or so...
Policy? What policy is possible?
The PURPOSE of the government is to inhibit trade amongst certain groups for the benefit of other groups.
As everyone begins life unskilled the young, lazy, or undocumented are made to be vulnerable (no, your degree doesn't count as a skill, it counts as education - there's a difference!). They are the UNAVOIDABLE collateral damage.
To fix unemployment the government need do only one thing:
STOP GETTING IN THE WAY!!!!
FAIL to do that one thing, and no other change will be effective.
Because of the structure of government and its real (vice theoretical) constituents, that is a political impossibility at virtually all levels of government.
It is the worlds most foreseeable train wreck, because as a result at some point either the population or the government must go.
I am reminded of the saying, "Where a young man sees innumerable solutions to a problem, the older man sees very few..."
Only 228 days of vacation? - that sux....
I found two sea shells underneath the pizza maker. Where did these come from? Mrs. M mentioned that they came from some girl at school. With children you just about expect things like that because that is what they do. You can't beat them. An American male and a Russian female cannot possibly shut our children down. We accept that fact and encourage the free spirit to a point.
Where it gets good is my question to my wife as to why women like seashells? What can there be in a seashell that is so great that I do not know? And this is a trait that crosses cultures and borders. All women from everywhere on this planet love seashells for some reason and I do not know why. What is this lovefest with dead mollusk skeletons? Clearly I am missing something. There is always something in every house where there is a shellfish representation of some sort. You will find it if you check. You probably have a shellfish shaped soapdish if you had not noticed. It is not that it is bad per se but what do you mean by it?
My wife is not sure why but it brought up another interesting question and one you would never think of asking to your wife. "Have you ever heard that you can't eat clams harvested in months that have an R in them?" Indeed she had and we both wondered about how that came about because we did not have anything better to do. She looked and so did I. I used to pick clams as a kid while I was swimming just because I could. I just go back because they were not great to eat. They were fun to find though. Mrs, M looked at here Russian sites and me Western sites. Both of us were somehow ass backwards in that you WANT to eat the clams harvested in the months with an R. We both wondered how we could have both been wrong but mutually acknowledged that we were. It made sense to us.
Cute story but I don't leave things cute. You should all know me by now. I can't go pick clams anymore and you can't even take their dead body shells. This one got me upside the head. I would like to have known that if my daughter picked up a shell and wanted to keep it that I could be fined for it. These fuckers are off the charts and gone full retard. I don't want any clams because they are not good to eat. They only are good to play with when you are a kid. But now you can't have the shells?
I don't live in that world and never will.
Manipuflation- when I think of seashells I think of mermaids. I was recently reminded of the Starbucks logo and found this. You should watch it with your wife and see her response. Would love to hear her reaction. I'm not married so I don't have anyone to perform social experiments on.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ylKRMVppCwU
OK, hold on a sec.
Thanks for the post but I don't think that will work out with Mrs, M. I did like it the link though. I really did like the symbolism but I am of the wolf. I have had a wolf, alone, sneak up on me three times without a sound and I grew up in the woods. I am no city boy. The wolf will not appear when my wife or children are around and it only just stops, stares at you and then is off again. I hear everything in the woods but I can not hear him approach me. Sticks do not break themselves and this big dog knows it.
I can't understand how I could not know that anything is around me. I think he is just laughing at me. It must be some sort of spirit animal. One thing is for sure; that animal is not dumb.
http://www.universeofsymbolism.com/wolf-symbolism.html
Ah a fellow wolf. I've always had an affinity for wolves. Pack animals that represent fredom of the individual an it's group. I have a Brandenburg photo called "Brother Wolf". It's like the wolf who is assessing the dangers that are hidden.
http://images.nationalgeographic.com/wpf/media-live/photos/000/064/cache...
There's only one job of an unskilled worker that I'm worried about.
Too bad he'll have that job for 745 days more.
Prof Logsdon makes me ashamed of my economics degree from the U of MN. Disgusting liberal taxation to pay "folks" these high wages again shows the lack of common sense in the halls of academia.
I thought they were talking about newly elected pols...
Can i apply ? I would earn more than i do now