This page has been archived and commenting is disabled.

A (Satirical) Preview of 2015

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Submitted by William Blum via Counter-Punch,

January 25: 467 people reported missing from a university in Mexico. US State Department blames Russia.

February 1: Military junta overthrows President Nicolás Maduro in Venezuela. Washington decries the loss of democracy.

February 2: US recognizes the new Venezuelan military junta, offers it 50 jet fighters and tanks.

February 3: Revolution breaks out in Venezuela endangering the military junta; 40,000 American marines land in Caracas to quell the uprising.

February 16: White police officer in Chicago fatally shoots a 6-year old black boy holding a toy gun.

March 6: Congress passes a new law which states that to become president of the United States a person must have the surname Bush or Clinton.

April 30: The Department of Homeland Security announces plan to record the DNA at birth of every child born in the United States.

May 19: The Supreme Court rules that police may search anyone if they have reasonable grounds for believing that the person has pockets.

May 27: The Transportation Security Administration declares that all airline passengers must strip completely nude at check-in and remain thus until arriving at their destination.

June 6: White police officer in Oklahoma City tasers a 7-month-old black child, claiming the child was holding a gun; the gun turns out to be a rattle.

July 19: Two subway trains collide in Manhattan. The United States demands that Moscow explain why there was a Russian citizen in each of the trains.

September 5: The Democratic Party changes its name to the Republican Lite Party, and announces the opening of a joint bank account with the Republican Party so that corporate lobbyists need make out only one check.

September 12: White police officer in Alabama shoots black newborn, confusing the umbilical cord for a noose.

November 16: President Obama announces that Iran, Syria, Lebanon, Palestine, North Korea, Sudan, Nicaragua, Venezuela, Bolivia and Cuba all possess weapons of mass destruction; have close ties to the Islamic State, al Qaeda, and the Taliban; are aiding pro-Russian rebels in Ukraine; were involved in 9-11; played a role in the assassination of John F. Kennedy and the attack on Pearl Harbor; are an imminent threat to the United States and all that is decent and holy; and are all “really bad guys”, who even (choke, gasp) use torture!

November 21: The United States invades Iran, Syria, Lebanon, Palestine, North Korea, Sudan, Nicaragua, Venezuela, Bolivia and Cuba.

December 10: Barack Obama is awarded his second Nobel Peace Prize

December 11: To celebrate his new peace prize, Obama sends out drones to assassinate wrong-thinking individuals in Somalia, Afghanistan and Yemen.

December 13: Members of Ukraine’s neo-Nazi parties, which hold several high positions in the US-supported government, goose-step through the center of Kiev in full German Storm Trooper uniforms, carrying giant swastika flags, shouting “Heil Hitler”, and singing the Horst Wessel song. Not a word of this appears in any American mainstream media.

December 15: US Secretary of State warns Russia to stop meddling in Ukraine, accusing Moscow of wanting to re-create the Soviet Union.

December 16: White police officer shoots a black 98-year-old man sitting in a wheel chair, claiming the man pointed a rifle at him. The rifle turns out to be a cane.

December 28: The Washington Redskins football team finish their season in last place. The White House blames Vladimir Putin.

 

- advertisements -

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:05 | 5626321 shiftless
shiftless's picture

If you like your police state, you can keep your police state.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:13 | 5626345 knukles
knukles's picture

Y'all realize that counter-punch is generally held to be a vestige of lefty politics... and here they are excoriating Dear Leader?
Whaz zappenin'?

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:27 | 5626393 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

What gave it away?  This maybe?

"The Democratic Party changes its name to the Republican Lite Party"

Now, we all know there's hardly a lick of difference between the two parties, but a properly indoctrinated R would have said it the other way around with the R's being Democrat Lite.

 

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:35 | 5626421 Jeff the Terrible
Jeff the Terrible's picture

Hey, all I saw was a big belly and a short prick. Yeah, coulda been Christie.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VI6tBwVjyOY

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 00:37 | 5626814 weburke
weburke's picture

christi is as ordained as clintons and bushes because he is family. try to get someone from your family as pres. no way.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:27 | 5626395 Greenskeeper_Carl
Greenskeeper_Carl's picture

They are lefties on most issues, and we would no doubt disagree with them on many fronts about what the proper role of government is(if there actually IS a proper role at all). However , they are very much anti-war and have at least consistently called out people on the blue team, including Obama, for continuing of escalating the bush era policies. In this area at least, they have been consistently against our foreign policy, at least the few articles I have come across.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:40 | 5626460 MontgomeryScott
MontgomeryScott's picture

HUH?

Checking Obama's political affiliation. Checking Billary's political affiliation. Checking Bill's political affiliation. Checking number of drone strikes. Checking invasions. Checking the increase in U.S. citizens being targeted for termination. Checking 'presidential directives'.

PROCESSING...

Don't fall for the bullshit, Carl.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:55 | 5626532 ISEEIT
ISEEIT's picture

The more authentic leftist have despised little lord obozo for quite a while.

This country (the world) needs to become considerably more 'radical' and quickly.

 

I'm thinking that 2015 offers extremely high probabilities of some 'radically' unsettling domestic and geo-political realities biting our current crop of 'world leaders' and the flocks who they dazzle with their elaborate delusions hard up the ass.

 

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 00:26 | 5626795 thebigunit
thebigunit's picture

"This country (the world) needs to become considerably more 'radical' and quickly."

Tribalism, foraging, and tribal warfare are the natural, primative, "normal" social survival mode for humans.

Capitalism, private property, and trade are radical.

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 01:07 | 5626857 Das Capitalist
Das Capitalist's picture

Radical compared to Hobbes' state of nature?? Just about anything is radical compared to that.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:14 | 5626347 Future Jim
Future Jim's picture
Does this sound about right? Some simple ways that banks make money:
  1. The Federal Reserve prints money out of thin air and loans it to the banks who own the Fed, who loan it out to us at a higher rate because we can't borrow from the Fed.
  2. For each dollar you deposit into a bank (even a bank that doesn't own the Fed), the bank is allowed to create about ten dollars out of thin air and loan it out to us.
  3. If the borrower of those dollars does not pay them back, then the bank can claim that as a loss, and thus pays less taxes.
  4. The Federal reserve is never audited, so the banks who own the Fed could never pay back what they borrowed from the Fed, and we would never know.
  5. No one is allowed to compete with the Federal Reserve.
Tue, 01/06/2015 - 07:09 | 5627149 Mitzibitzi
Mitzibitzi's picture

6. The Federal Reserve has access to a massively-armed military and para-military arm, usually described as 'the US Government',  to ensure you follow the first five rules. The lesser banks have access to heavily-armed private 'security' contractors should you decide they look like easier targets than the Fed. YOU probably have access - for now - to a right to protest within a designated 'free speech zone' and a relatively small caliber man-portable weapon with only a semi-automatic action and a limited magazine capacity.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:13 | 5626353 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

Not exactly Onion material, is it?

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:19 | 5626367 zorba THE GREEK
zorba THE GREEK's picture

That rattle could have damn well been a gun, you can't blame a

man for protecting himself. 

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:54 | 5626524 MontgomeryScott
MontgomeryScott's picture

September 12: White police officer in Alabama shoots black newborn, confusing the umbilical cord for a noose.

QUESTION:

If a 'LEO' walks in to the delivery room and sees the doctor with a scalpel getting ready to cut the umbilical cord with scalpel, would the Team America World Policeman's actions in murdering the doctor (holding a dangerous weapon), the baby (holding a noose), AND the mother (for providing a WMD to a child) be determined to be 'justified' in the eyes of his 'department'?

DOUBLE-PLUS GOOD if the LEO is an 'ethnocentric' as well. He will probably be fucking PROMOTED.

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 01:01 | 5626845 Das Capitalist
Das Capitalist's picture

LOL this one never gets old!

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:07 | 5626325 dirtyfiles
dirtyfiles's picture

DECEMBER 30: Obama  farted..but no new executive order yet...

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 01:10 | 5626864 s2man
s2man's picture

No, just a memorandum stating his don't stink.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:06 | 5626326 Hulk
Hulk's picture

The way I see it, 2015 ain't going to be no laughing matter. 2015 finishes up what 2008 started...

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:14 | 5626344 Philo Beddoe
Philo Beddoe's picture

December 31, 2015. Presidential hopefull, Mark Zuckerburg disgraced as nude photos surface of him blowing a hippo.  

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:18 | 5626356 knukles
knukles's picture

Only to be found out that Mark mistakenly had placed the photo file himself (Zeppo is his favorite pet Hippo, BTW) of his very own Facebook page. 
His publicist, retired financier Jeffry Epstein, stated that Mark never ever was in the same room as Zeppo and Tyler at the same time.
And that any pictures of him stroking a soft flour taco shell on his lap whilst drooling, were photoshopped
Facebook share rose 3% on the day

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:20 | 5626375 Hulk
Hulk's picture

The Boff of youz suck hind tit !!! Now back to our regularly scheduled collapse...

/smoke if ya got em...

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:16 | 5626358 Cautiously Pess...
Cautiously Pessimistic's picture

Why are you calling Chris Christie a hippo?  That was not very nice...just sayin.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:20 | 5626370 Philo Beddoe
Philo Beddoe's picture

Hey, all I saw was a big belly and a short prick. Yeah, coulda been Christie. 

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:24 | 5626386 philosophers bone
philosophers bone's picture

Seeing that fat self-righteous hippo Chris Christie giving Jerry Jones high fives in the Dallas Cowboy owner's corporate box after that fucking pathetic, homer pass interfence call reversal was repulsive.  

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:25 | 5626389 zorba THE GREEK
zorba THE GREEK's picture

amen Bone, Amen

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:55 | 5626529 Mr Pink
Mr Pink's picture

and to think I was watching foosball to forget about disgusting politicians, narcassistic billionaires and rigged games.......maybe I should just start making puzzles with my Grandma

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 23:36 | 5626687 Sages wife
Sages wife's picture

Unless your grandma is Barbara Starr. Related: NYT limerick contest. Required: Lewinski and Kaczynski. Third place.

Clinton and Lewinski have shown,

What Kaczynski must surely have known,

That an intern is better than a bomb in a letter,

When deciding how best to be blown.

Wed, 01/07/2015 - 23:52 | 5635733 acetinker
acetinker's picture

Mr Pink is correct, just as well be playing foosball with grandma's puzzle peices.  The outcome is the same.  Nobody scores, nobody wins.

One day, I hope to meet and query Nobody- apparently, he knows.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:38 | 5626412 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

For the love of God, this is an insult to hippos everywhere! Christie is clearly a RINO!

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:18 | 5626364 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

Hippo claims he was slipped a ruffie and promised "diamonds".

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:18 | 5626371 Cautiously Pess...
Cautiously Pessimistic's picture

Paging Bill Cosby.  Please come to the red courtesy phone in the lobby.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:20 | 5626373 knukles
knukles's picture

Why the fuck they're called "roofies" is beyond me.  Should be called "floories"
Like Frank Zappa, "No, Mrs Wawa, I never did dwugs."

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:20 | 5626379 suteibu
suteibu's picture

Weak, non-humorous sauce.  This had to be written while in that drunken stage where everything seems funny.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:26 | 5626397 zorba THE GREEK
zorba THE GREEK's picture

Suteibu, astute observation. I am in concurrence. 

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:23 | 5626383 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Is it wrong of me to fantasize about something like Grubers head on a pike, planted on the WH lawn until the crows have pecked his eyeballs out and the ants and flies have reduced his visage to a skull, as a metaphor for what he and they have done to real peoples lives?

Or is that too graphic? ;-)

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:29 | 5626407 Hulk
Hulk's picture

If heads on a pike are wrong, I don't want to be right !!!

/to be read in you best mental Barbara Mandrell voice...

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:51 | 5626502 TeamDepends
TeamDepends's picture

Most of them deserve the Vlad the Impaler bung-pike.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 23:00 | 5626543 Hulk
Hulk's picture

I wanna be Genghis Khan when I grow up...

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 23:48 | 5626714 acetinker
acetinker's picture

No, it ain't wrong at all, nme.  But when you purposely badger those who are new to the fold, I can honestly and purposely say; Fuck you and everybody that looks llke you!

Guess what, fuckstick!  Either one of us could be booted from this forum at any time.

Do ya' feel lucky, punk?

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 07:42 | 5627170 nmewn
nmewn's picture

Maybe "the new to the fold" missed the rules posted with a rusty nail to the front door in plain universal language, if its their first comment they have to fight. It is this way for a reason, to prove they are worthy to take up space here, that they really believe in their hearts & minds what they say and are not just trolls or bots in the employ of others and are willing to fight for what they believe. 

This venue is not a sewing circle or some lame-ass book club.

So if you've got a problem with anything I (or anyone else) says about Gruber or Putin or Keynes or Bush or the UN or Obama or the NSA or Marx or Hitler or "the law" or anything else, just step into the center of the circle and say it.

We can all read.

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 23:27 | 5630832 acetinker
acetinker's picture

Yeah, we can all read (becoming a lost art, outside of FB and twitter).

We are natural allies, nme.  That you mention Gruber, Putin, Keynes, Bush, the UN , Obama the NSA or Marx and Hitler just says you don't know who the real enemy is.

Each and every of the villains you despise are (were) empowered by the banks.

I mean you no harm, but the history you repeat is flawed.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:29 | 5626408 dirtyfiles
dirtyfiles's picture

actually 2015 may be the funniest ever for ZH readers/contributors as they kick the can but there is no road any more ...

DEAD END

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:30 | 5626409 alexmark2013
Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:35 | 5626430 MontgomeryScott
MontgomeryScott's picture

Prediction for 2015:

ONE or MORE of the events described will actually TAKE PLACE.

April 30: The Department of Homeland Security announces plan to record the DNA at birth of every child born in the United States.

This one's REAL. Too bad it isn't in the 'fuzzy future'. I guess you'll just have to PASS the bill to find out what's IN it, huh?

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 03:54 | 5627051 Parrotile
Parrotile's picture

Market this one as "Essential to protect their future, by enabling early detection of genetic problems", and 99%++ will think you are wonderful - "looking after everyone's children" is a reliable vote-winner.

That is just how they can do it, and they will do it, if they think it will be beneficial - for them.

Bank on it!!

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 22:49 | 5626501 q99x2
q99x2's picture

I don't know. Sounds like the NWO got hold of some bad dope or something. Seems pretty likely they took down the World Trade Centers too.

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 23:03 | 5626563 bid the soldier...
bid the soldiers shoot's picture

OFF TOPIC

 

Will Queen Elizabeth say to the man who cured erectile dysfunction after knighting him:

"Rise, Sir Knight"

 

Mon, 01/05/2015 - 23:11 | 5626596 acetinker
acetinker's picture

First we had  a war on poverty, then we had a war on drugs, and when those were no longer effective, we had a war on terrorism.

How long will it take for you seemingly stupid motherfuckers to see this?

Much love, A Stinker.

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 00:03 | 5626744 Heavy
Heavy's picture

Multi-lol

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 00:33 | 5626806 thebigunit
thebigunit's picture

August 15: CBS/Washington Post reports that Hillary Clinton's lead in the polls increases to 97 percent. Iowa announces that Iowa caucuses will be cancelled.  New Hampshire moves its "First In the Nation Primary" up to August 18.

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 00:40 | 5626816 thebigunit
thebigunit's picture

August 21: States with a combined total of 278 electoral votes issued a combined press announcement stating that voting for the November 2016 presidential election will be conducted entirely by mail, and the voting period will be moved up to August 24 to August 30, 2015.

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 00:45 | 5626825 thebigunit
thebigunit's picture

September 2: President Obama issued an executive order changing the inauguration date for the next president to the second Tuesday in the September following the presidential election.

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 00:56 | 5626839 thebigunit
thebigunit's picture

September 3: President Obama signs presidential pardons for Jonathan Gruber, Lois Lerner, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Eric Holder, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, the New Black Panther Party, the Congressional Black Caucus, CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, MSNBC, NPR, PBS, The New York Times, the Washington Post, and the Democratic National Committee.

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 01:30 | 5626894 celticgold
celticgold's picture

hillary , billary bock

that mouth ran up his cock,

he blew one out , she caught it not....

hillary , billary bock.......

 

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 01:51 | 5626933 Joe A
Joe A's picture

"On April fool's day a US court presses charges against G.H. Bush and other senior members of his cabinet for torture and war crimes"

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 02:17 | 5626967 Bemused Observer
Bemused Observer's picture

Yes, unfortunately you must be a Bush or a Clinton to be President, although you are permitted to legally change your name to comply. (Wouldn't want to be unfair...)

In other news, airline stocks are WAY up...

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 05:32 | 5627092 smacker
smacker's picture

Brilliant stuff.

This one will come about in some form sooner rather than later:

"April 30: The Department of Homeland Security announces plan to record the DNA at birth of every child born in the United States."

_______________________________________________________

And in the UK, the Home Office has announced a new Bill is being prepared which requires staff at toddler schools (kids aged 2, 3 or 4) to report any suspicions that their toddlers are showing an interest in terrorism.

The madness continues.

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 05:42 | 5627099 22winmag
22winmag's picture

June 1: A few boxes of ultra-rare .22LR ammo appears on shelf as Walmart. Stampede ensues, dozens injured.

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 09:12 | 5627306 Buster Cherry
Buster Cherry's picture

Just come to Texas.

We got your 22LR's.on the shelf waitin fer ya. Bring yer whole family so each of you can each buy your 2.box daily ration.

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 05:46 | 5627104 Ghordius
Ghordius's picture

oh, my. "December 10: Barack Obama is awarded his second Nobel Peace Prize"

come on, let's be frank. Obama did not get a Nobel Peace Price for being Obama. Obama got that damn price for NOT being Bush/Cheney

that committe should have just jumped the gun and awarded Cheney/Bush an anti-peace price, that year

though of course such international criticism of Cheney and Bush would have been favourable for their domestic political standing, then Americans often close ranks on their presidents when they are criticized by foreigners

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 06:32 | 5627126 smacker
smacker's picture

"come on, let's be frank. Obama did not get a Nobel Peace Price for being Obama. Obama got that damn price for NOT being Bush/Cheney"

Spot on IMO Ghordius.

It must be time to hang out the flags (althugh not the EU one if possible (!!!!!) ).

 

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 08:06 | 5627179 Ghordius
Ghordius's picture

it is time that the UK exits the EU. it would do wonders to the British political establishment. like the lack of the "the EU made us do it" excuses

I don't want to be the usual anti-British voice, here. it tires me. but you Brits don't fit. imho too hierarchical

the Scots would fit. hell, even Greater London would fit. but England doesn't, particularly Southern England

take for example your avatar: how much non-socialism does have to happen on this Continent before you are satisfied? it's a mission impossible, because your media and establishment clings to this Tolkien-like view that here it's all socialist orcs. meanwhile in Spain alone there is already nearly one million of your pensioners, and I bet they are all on the internets being their grumpy selves and moaning about too many Poles in the UK. rant end, by now I think you know how I mean it

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 13:41 | 5628646 smacker
smacker's picture

"how much non-socialism does have to happen on this Continent before you are satisfied?"

Interesting question. The easist way for me to answer that is for you to see me as someone with a similar outlook in life of a patriotic American with a passionate belief in a strong Constitution which brought about small government, more personal freedom/responsibility and proper free market capitalism. Then you'd be quite close to the mark. It is this societal model which allows a person to use their skills/abilities and to stand tall and be proud of their achievements in life. Living under the evil shadow of ever bigger government simply creates serfs and welfare bunnies. In the end nobody is happy.

What many Lefty Europeans need to understand is that America did not become the great nation it is (or was, before the political/bankster maniacs seized control and set about wrecking it) by following the European model. It followed the model I described above and it is proven to work.

Nigel Farage said today that he not only wants Britain to quit the socialist EU, he wants Europe to quit the EU too. I concur with him.

I can tell you there is only one concern that I have with Britain quitting the EU and it is this: our laws and regulations will once again be subject to the maniacal whims of our own loony socialists in the Labour Party AND Conservative Party (they're all socialists). One example today is the mad Conservative Home Secretary Teresa May is drafting a new Bill which will require staff at toddler schools (kids age 2,3 and 4) to report any suspicions that any toddlers may be showing an interest in "terrorism". Can you believe it.

Is she a retard or a full retard?

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 09:49 | 5627420 d edwards
d edwards's picture

No he got it for being half black and the white privilege of his other half.

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 09:28 | 5627333 Buster Cherry
Buster Cherry's picture

The author sure seems to hate white police.officers.

I couldnt find the headlines from June 19th:

June 19, 2015:

Hoard of African-Americans, led by Quannel-X, overrun parts of River Oaks. A spokesman for Quannel-X states states that this is a peaceful demonstration and discounts all reports of stabbings, rapes, vandalism,arson, and shootings as mere rumors spread by whitey. 

"This event is nothing more than Juneteenth celebrations of Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation. Whats the big deal?"

 

There are also unconfirmed reports that none of the demonstrators ever set foot in Africa, though we are awaiting confirmation from sources in the know...

Tue, 01/06/2015 - 10:32 | 5627628 Mike Honcho
Mike Honcho's picture

This is just a copy and paste from Drudge.

Wed, 01/07/2015 - 21:19 | 5635275 Alananda
Alananda's picture

I wonder what some of you ZHers would think of the posted article after reading John Kaminski's outing of our dear left-wing pundit and other talking heads.  Mr. Anti-Empire has a real problem dealing with Israel's involvement in 9-11, last I had correspondence with him.  I suppose truth in small nuggets can come from shills.  Read on!

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!