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Waking Up is Hard to Do
Waking Up is Hard to Do
By
Cognitive Dissonance
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Do you remember when you first woke up, that point when it all became frighteningly clear to you? I certainly don’t, and if rigorous honesty is employed I doubt you do as well.
I make this statement with a high degree of certainty based not just upon my own personal experience, but from countless conversations over the years. Stated simply, ‘waking up’ is not an on/off switched event, but rather a process of slowly clearing away the fog of self deception and comforting illusion. Just as we do not instantly wake from our overnight slumber fully aware and properly functioning, so too do we fail to shake off decades of deep social conditioning and propaganda in an instant.
Sure, during this awakening process there are lightening strikes of clarity and revelation that stop us dead in our tracks while sickening the stomach and weakening the legs. The most devastating of these bolts from the blue are usually self revelatory and rarely joyful events. In fact I still suffer from these ‘First Light’ events to this day. The only thing worse than being caught naked to the world is to be exposed to our ‘self’ devoid of comforting emotional cover.
It is the height of childish thinking, something I am guilty far too often of, to believe we can wipe away in days, weeks or even months what has been carefully and painstakingly crafted within our psyche (what we think of as our ‘self’) over decades; our entire lifetime in fact. The ego does not easily concede its manipulative techniques nor lift its concealing veils willingly and without a ferocious fight.
That emotional stab in the gut you feel when you reach a recognition point is your ego falsely telling you ‘here be dragons’. The trick, if further progress is sincerely desired, is to stay the course and endure further emotional pain rather than run for the hills and continue to hide from the self.
A common misconception, maybe even self deception, pertaining to our corporate and governmental masters is the idea ‘they’ somehow trick ‘us’ into doing things contrary to our own best interest. I deliberately use the word ‘trick’ in this case since others, myself included, dress it up (lipstick on a pig anyone?) by calling it manipulation, propaganda and implied consent. While those words accurately describe the larger overall picture of what’s going on under the covers, in fact the techniques employed are not speaking directly to ‘us’, but rather to our ego and subconscious ‘self’.
Like the master puppeteer carefully hidden above by darkness, heavy curtains and the prancing distraction below, the ego wants us to ‘believe’ the thoughts, ideas and ‘beliefs’ (aka ‘truth’) we profess as ours are actually ‘ours’. Thus ‘we’ are as vulnerable to circumvention as the Maginot Line was and tragically ignorant of our own defenseless condition. Sadly most, if not all, of us are willfully ignorant of our own vulnerability because to examine that particular line of thought requires we open the entire can of self revelation whoop ass. And as we all know too well by now ‘here be dragons’ so why even try.
Here be Dragons
Essentially our own desire to avoid the inner dragons is expertly used against us by outside forces who present suspect information, often presented as irrefutable ‘fact’, precisely designed to mesh with, while leveraging, our ego’s own efforts to shield us from what the ego perceives as harmful to us. But make no mistake about it, the ego does not arbitrarily decide what is and is not harmful to us. Often it takes the lead from our popular culture, both the intimate one conditioned into us by our immediate family as well as the culture the general population ‘agrees’ upon as the way things should be. More and more these days this agreement is derived through mass media sources, in particular television or ‘social’ media.
For those who wish to dispute this assertion I point towards the huge impact advertising, most assuredly a form of effective mind (ego) control, has upon you and me. Speak to any expert in psychology, also known as someone deeply involved in creating advertisement, and they will quickly list the various methods used to induce (trick?) you to do, which usually means purchase, things you might not normally do. The same applies to the purveyors of propaganda.
While I will quickly admit not all techniques are effective on all people, this simple ‘fact’ allows us the egoic wiggle room needed to convince ourselves advertisement/propaganda, and more specifically the psychological techniques underlying advertisement/propaganda, is not nearly as effective as it truly is. The Maginot Line’s impenetrability is once again confirmed, deftly enabling its circumvention at any time.
Why is it we can often see when others are being lied to while we are often (self) deceived and fail to see what others perceive is clearly obvious? What’s that ‘we’ say? We aren’t fooled anymore now that ‘we’ are ‘awake’? The very fact we believe this tells us and many others we aren’t as awake as we think we are or would like to be. As stated before, our/the/an awakening is a lengthy process and not a short onetime event. Or stated more accurately, the process of awakening is a series of steps taken towards a wider range of awareness.
During a significant and profound ‘awakening’ one ‘truth’ stands out among all others. The more we think we know, either by way of an ongoing ‘discovery’ of the self or (and more likely) a sudden recognition of what was always there but never truly or fully ‘seen’ until now, is the realization we have barely scratched the surface. The more I think I know the more I know I do not know. Many of us, me included, are barely past the first and second steps on our way up a long and winding staircase towards a wider and more encompassing understanding.
I may have had an ‘awakening’ to something general or specific, meaning my awareness is now (more) focused on something it previously was not, which in turn leads me to a new (notice I did not say better) understanding. But to flat out declare the achievement of (now) being ‘awake’, implying there is no further awakening needed, is little more than egoic chest thumping and narcissistic delusions.
I may even have undergone several of these ‘awakenings’ in rapid fire progression, one setting off the next and the next and the next similar to a chain reaction of dominoes falling. But to believe I have arrived and am now fully awake is pure folly and the ultimate in self deception. One does not progress from not knowing to all knowing just like that, even if the process has evolved over weeks or months.
"The Awakening" by J. Seward Johnson, Jr
Contrary to the popular belief ‘we’ are in control of our mind and therefore our awareness, our ego is actually filtering and processing much, if not all, of what we see, read, hear, feel, touch, smell and thereby think. Since it is our brain which actually interprets what enters our five (six?) senses, and our ego constantly monitors everything coming in and going out with the intent of ‘shielding’ us from whatever it is ‘we’ might find disconcerting, disorienting or disruptive, to state categorically we are ‘aware’ is, well, at the very least wildly egotistic and at most the epitome of narcissistic arrogance and hubris.
Consider for a moment the idea that ‘me and my ego’ are not the same ‘person’ and that my ego quite often works at cross purposes to what is truly in my best interest. While one might argue over what exactly is in my/our best interest, and I would join that discussion with dread because it is a circular argument at best, I suspect if ‘We the People’ were individually polled with no fear of recrimination or exposure, many would say what exists today is not in ‘our’ best interest.
That ‘voice’ I ‘hear’ in my head is almost always considered to be me, myself and I. Unless, of course, I am insane as determined by a presumably sane and disinterested party. Meaning as far as most are concerned they are talking to their ‘self’. After all, who else could it be other than ‘the’ self? But what if that voice I hear speaking to me is not ‘me’ in the literal sense when thinking about ‘me’? What if that voice I hear is actually my ego, essentially a foreign entity always lurking in the background skillfully using its disguise as ‘me’ to play ‘me’ to the hilt?
If this were the case, imagine how easily manipulated (tricked?) I would be both by my ‘ego’ as well as by outside forces that recognize the dominant role my ego plays in my everyday life. Those outside forces would most certainly play to my egoic entity in order to control and manipulate ‘me, myself and I’. More importantly, if ‘my’ ego is exposed to the ‘self’ for what it truly is, a severe and debilitating emotional crisis would instantly develop, thereby undermining both the ego and the ‘self’. Essentially ‘we’ would experience an identity crisis. Clearly the ego would see this as a danger and shield ‘us’ from this information, if for no other reason than self survival.
My ego ‘knows’ it is not ‘me’, thus it is under no self delusion as to the danger my discovery of this fact would be both to my emotional stability and, by extension, to the ego’s existence. The egoic parasite most certainly wishes to protect the host (‘me’) from self destruction if at all possible since the egoic entity cannot exist without the ‘self’, both in a physical and intellectual sense. If my ‘self’ is beginning the awakening process and, from the perspective of my ego, this process cannot be stopped, wouldn’t it be in the best interest of the ego (and therefore also for my ‘self’) both to limit my awakening and also to convince my ‘self’ the process is complete and there is no more work left to be done?
This would be quite easily accomplished since I still believe that voice in my head is ‘me’. The ego only needs to fill my ‘self’ with ‘egotistic’ nonsense about having finally arrived now that I can clearly see what could not be seen before, coupled with self righteous declarations of superiority over the deaf, dumb and blind ‘plebs’, the ranks from which I have now successfully liberated myself. Add in a healthy dose of absolute certainty and closed mindedness to the possibility I might actually be just as blind as before (if not more so since I have now abolished doubt from my mind and vocabulary) and the egoic transformation from unknowing slave to ‘awakened’ slave is complete.
But of course ‘I’ haven’t fallen for that trap, now have I?
Cubicle Slavery
This is precisely how alternative thinking and the contrary organizations that spring up to support and echo alternative thinking is skillfully subverted and derailed by the mainstream and its handlers/controllers. If I am someone or something in a position of power who wishes to remain in power in the face of a rising tide of popular uproar, all I need to do is ‘talk’ to the ego by any means possible (usually the alternative ‘press’) in order to play ‘us’ like a fiddle. I don’t need to defeat the uprising, just deflect it enough so it turns upon itself, destroying it ‘self’ from within in the same manner ‘my’ ego deflects and subverts ‘me’ in order to protect me.
Brilliant! Simply brilliant! And a technique, I might add, which has withstood the test of time, having been successfully used against our ‘selves’ for millennium by both the ego and those outside powers who wish to control ‘us’, principally by leveraging our ego against our ‘selves’. ‘Knowing’ what I have just laid out is even the slightest bit possible, how can anyone reading this declare with any degree of certainty they have now arrived and are ‘awake’?
The greatest trick the devil ego ever pulled was convincing ‘us’ it does not exist, that any questioning of our ‘self’ (in this case the ego), any significant self reflection or introspection, any digging in the emotional grave yard to unearth layer upon layer of self deception, is a sure sign of weakness and must be avoided at all cost. In truly Orwellian doublespeak our ego ‘tells’ us ignorance is strength by hiding our continuing ignorance behind the veil of self righteous certainty in our awakening, of our knowing beyond all doubt. This is aided and abetted by the clear ignorance of many others in the one or two specific subjects we now see more clearly, such as the financial Ponzi or the growing police state.
Any Cognitive Dissonance experienced over this issue is quickly swept away by the induced (egoic) feelings of superiority over nearly all others. I’ve nothing more to learn since I am already (fully) awake. Any minor details missed are just a matter of more research and most certainly not introspection. Thus the function of public fall guys and useful idiots in positions of power is revealed for their true purpose, to give us a reason to stop digging, to confirm our ‘belief’ we now ‘see’ clearly without subterfuge and obstruction. It’s even better if we can ‘see’ a layer or two deeper into the rabbit hole than others, thereby avoiding the need to look even deeper.
Ask any representative of “We the People” if they are ‘aware’ and you will receive nary a negative in response. The ego within would never allow ‘us’ to admit we are unaware or even less than fully aware, particularly in a public setting, for the cultural response would be overwhelmingly embarrassing. Knowing the public ridicule we would receive if our ignorance were ever made public, the ego helpfully ‘suggests’ we refrain from even entertaining the possibility in the ultimate of private settings, when talking to our ‘self’. Remember, here be dragons. Besides, even if this were true before, I’m now ‘awake’ thereby eliminating any possibility of present or future ignorance.
At the present time there are seven billion permutations of this internal con game, this viral madness, with no end ‘in-sight’. It is a spiritual and cultural dis-ease that thoroughly infects the individual, which in turns (re)infects the culture in a positive feedback loop of monstrous proportions.
This is why I endlessly repeat the same mantra again and again and again. To defeat the enemy without we must first look deeply within so we may finally recognize our supporting role in the greatest self con game the world has ever seen. The madness we see in all others clearly resides within.
01-14-2015
Cognitive Dissonance
How awake are we?
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I know of Carl Jung but very little about him and his writings. Most of what I do know is hearsay, meaning I have read others speak of, and about, Jung.
Cog, you did well to go the way you have. Others unfortunately, got caught up in the mess and were stupidly less than proactive. The shit show is upon us all and the clock ran out, IMHO. Over the last 20 years you and I have both seen the changes and bullshit, and who took the bait hook, line and sinker. I certainly do not like what i see and at this point the bastards have no choice but go to the next level, even knowing full well they were wrong and will proceed to cover their asses anayway at the expense of all.
It is in my opinion that stupidity wins and after the fact once again maybe the remainder can learn from it. I do hope the assholes that created this mess and their progeny get buried in their bunkers.
"It is in my opinion that stupidity wins and after the fact once again maybe the remainder can learn from it."
Our greatest strength is the ability to learn from our mistakes. Our greatest weakness is our children must learn it all over again. In our zeal to teach our children to be better than us we also indoctrinate them with all our mistakes and conditioning.
While some say youth is wasted on the young, I say life expereince and wisdom is wasted on the old.
I used to like to say, "Stupid, and proud of it" when talking about those people who express opinions based on a personal bias as opposed to one based on reason. My favorites were those who said things like, "First of all I would never read anything he wrote..." which automatically emasculates any opposing argument before it can come out of the gate. Given this, and conditioned thru the magic of self-discovery in the school of Locke and those who preceded him on the concept of tabula rasa, I've now decided that my seventy years of struggles with unlearning what my parents and teachers programmed into me has been in vain, for I still possess the animal instincts of selfishness and greed I so detest in others, and for that I can only give myself a big LOL. So really, what was the point? What is the point. I have no idea, but it's fun to talk about it.
Stupid and proud of it
As long as you're kind to those around you.
Only problem with being awake is having to chant "I am not crazy" 15min at a time 3-4 times daily. Surely the shit you thinks going down on this crazy ass planet isn't for real is it? Unfort so.
Given we live in an insane asylum, I think being called normal would be an insult.
Saves that 3 or 4 times thing.
Truth is so much stranger than the fiction we are fed daily. While I certainly like to be affirmed in my nonconformity, I am so much better off if I do not actively seek it. Iron is forged in the blast furnace and molded under the hammer. I make very little progress when basking in the glow of others and more when facing my own fears and the pain associated with further awakening.
I often say learning 'truth' is not the difficult part. It is forgetting the old lies that is so very difficult since for most of my life I measured myself and my part in this world based upon those lies. So when I deconstruct the lie, in so many ways I am deconstructing myself.
Iron is forged in the blast furnace and molded under the hammer.
Iron is melted in a blast furnace. If it is then "molded" it becomes "Cast iron" (poured into a mold & very brittle. Not maleable. Needs to be remelted to make it moldable)
If iron is to be SHAPED, it is reheated and mixed with slag and sometimes other stuff to make wrought iron, or other amounts of alloy to make steel, and can then be shaped by a hammer or other processes like hydralic presses.
A "forge" is the cumulative stuff that one uses to shape wrought iron or steel - a really hot fire (usually with a bellows or air blower), and the tools & etc needed to reshape the maleable modified iron alloy.
Geeze...
LOL
And yet you understood exactly what I meant even if my analogy was completely wrong. I call that a roaring success. :-)
Intense pressure and heat may covert shit into diamonds. I tell that to myself every couple of days.
Why would you want to be a diamond? They are brittle as all get out, and they're flamable... you can burn them.
Being a lifetime rockhound that's a great positive twist lol.
I stumbled into it 1987ish. The truth all big and ugly. It was hard and sharp. It sucked bad too. Then comes the rebooting time. Sorting thru huge piles of dogma and BS science that I had eaten over a lifetime. It took me about 4 years to get it sort of sorted out. Many are going to be getting the excelerated course.
87ish? You must have got smashed in the DOW crash yes? I remember working as a carpet installer for another company (NEW YORK CARPET WORLD) who I later learned was the worse people you could work for.
Soon after I installed a room of carpet in a beautiful home in the North Shore of Chicago (we are talking rich, even back then). The lady, who might have been 10 years or so older than me seemed distant, not friendly at all. Whatever, I did my job, got ripped off by NYCW and life went on.
A few years later when I established my own company I happened to get an invite to bid an was awarded the contract to recover the entire house the new owners bought @ auction SIGHT UNSEEN in Cook County. When I met them at their home for the first tme they were estactic they knew they had scored a gold mine. And so did I..years later. Life is funny that way.
"The madness we see in all others clearly resides within."
You've investigated your own ego, and have decided to write many words about it.
You've also declared that your own personal findings apply to all -- that is egoistic.
Most importantly, while implicating "we," you've neglected the outliers.
That becomes an apologetic stance -- and that is an enabling stance -- and that is what ails the "we" most of all.
LOL
Is that you or your ego talking?
Only the truly insane cannot see the insanity all around us, an insanity which ultimately springs from deep within. I look around at what 'we' call normal and shake my head in utter amazement. No one is immune from intrusions by their ego. The real question is not if, but how much. The fact we live, work and play while listening to a 'voice' in our head not our own should be proof enough of our madness.
Alas it is not. Insanity is the perfect dis-ease. It is self perpetuating, self replicating and completely self affirming.
Only the truly insane cannot see the insanity all around us, an insanity which ultimately springs from deep within.
Timothy Leary?
What you call insanity is only the first step towards truth. It is terrifying because you realize in what "hell" you really are, there is nothing you can do and nothing to hold on to. It is the "truth" as ego sees it. It is an image of your ego projected outward. It is not wise to stick to this idea of reality as this is only the beggining of a bridge between "ego" and "spirit". You must and you will go further. And on this next step "hell" will turn into playground. You will see all this insane people around you happily as you see small children playing in sandbox. You will KNOW it is only a play. It can not hurt you. It can not hurt them. It has no real meaning.
My grandfather used to say to me, when I was a kid, 'All the world's mad, except for me and thee. But I'm not so sure about thee!'
A wise man.
DP.
2002 was when the alarm clock started to go off for me.
I was dating a woman from another country, and she commented on how all of the USA flags everywhere reminded her of watching documentaries about Germany ca. 1933 - 1945.
One of my neighbors has a flag on either side their front door. One is Old Glory (American Flag) and the other says "Peace On Earth".
That's just disturbing.
Regardless how humiliating it might be to view "We the People" through the eyes of foreigners, I would say some humble pie is in order.
Here, I'll take the first bite. A classic from 1958. Sadly it has gotten so much worse.
Bullshit. Talk to a farmer. Work an honest day and you won't have a problem sleeping or waking up.
Maybe a real farmer, the ol' fashioned type, not one those agri-corporate guys.
The other hard part about "waking up," is what I call "The Wall."
In aerodynamics there is an area around supersonic speed and just beyond where things get dicey and turbulent. It is the area where a shock-wave is forming around the aircraft. Some early pioneers in supersonic flight used to call that area of turbulence, and it still may be called this, "The Wall."
When one wakes up, they enter an intellectual area of turbulence, a "shock-wave" if you will, where they are constantly faced with having to come to terms with everything they know, and have been taught, being a lie, wrong, or suspect--"The Wall."
It really is like taking the "Red Pill" and finding oneself where you never could have imagined, and seeing and having to interact with the world in a completely different way. Most maddening is dealing with people who are still wide-asleep--"Did you vote today?" "A little property tax increase won't hurt, and the schools will not have as large a deficit." "I served my country." Blah, blah, blah.
Strange and disconcerting for those unprepared for it.
The banksters need to repay us.
I have friends who live on The Wall. I've visited them, my son and daughters' visited them, and some of our friends have stopped in and had a beer with them. But it's not your wall. It's our wall and their wall. It's REALLY different than yours because our wall is real.
"I served my country." Blah, blah, blah.
Fuck you.
How the hell would anyone who's wide asleep have any way to prepare for the shock?!
But you're correct in your description.
It's like that studying Environmental Policy Analysis as well. One goes from being blind to suddenly seeing damage and degradation. Everywhere.
Without a clear way to stop it. Slowing it is the best to hoped for. This caused some depression in us, those of my peers who weren't just in it for the money.
Correct. Progress, or evolution if you will is impossible without paying the piper or retribution.
To be honest, if you want to kill your ego quick and easy, take LSD or DMT. If you're mentally prepared for it, it should be a wonderful awakening. You'll experience death so fast, say goodbye to your ego. Bitchez.
Lsd showed me infinity 27 years ago, yet life was needed, pain was needed to wake me up 26 years later. Waking up can take awhile as the ego dissolves.
Lsd showed me infinity 27 years ago, yet life was needed, pain was needed to wake me up 26 years later. Waking up can take awhile as the ego dissolves.
LARGE amounts of 'shrooms will do it, too.
This too! Thanks to our Lord and Savior, THE U.S Government, everyone believes these mind opening substances are crazy drugs who turn people into face eating zombies. "Psychedelics are illegal not because a loving government is concerned that you may jump out of a third story window. Psychedelics are illegal because they dissolve opinion structures and culturally laid down models of behavior and information processing. They open you up to the possibility that everything you know is wrong." - Terence McKenna
If you ask me, i'd find out about the truth before its too late. Goodluck ;-)
Trust Yourselfhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GN-vMMpja30
Truth is a slippery concept.
Being open to knowledge and understanding is, IMHO, the most important thing.
Some nice concepts explored in this essay, Cog. I detect a hint of Eastern thought. Perhaps you'll like this:
13. Uncertainty
Accept ignorance as the human condition. Accept uncertainty willingly. Be confused. Choose right or wrong, yes or no, true or false and trouble begins. The fool is disguised in certainty.
Be certain, become confident, and the whole world sets out to teach otherwise. Without certainty, the whole world softens and accomodates. Uncertainty is the softening by which a way is found in everything's changing.
Give up certainty and learning begins. Soften and open and be taught by the Tao.
To understand the world, give up the world. Chase it and it escapes; wait in peaceful emptiness and it reveals itself
Do not be certain about uncertainty.
from Ray Grigg's "The Tao of Being" 1989
only Socrates is wise because only Socrates knows he knows nothing
or the core view of any "primitive" people trying to live with and in their surroundings
Very nice. Thank you.
Very nice Hobo & ty Cog for that essay. I am aware it is very easy to be vain and proud since "awakening" in 2004, living in hell, driving my family crazy with my realizations..you all know how it goes.
I've found that just saying "I don't know" helps a lot. Since then I've learned that I don't know about a lot of things. I just buried our Lab. Why do things we love suffer & die?
I...don't..know. I am crying now.
Songs From The Wood
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2MgU7PNHgw
"To defeat the enemy without we must first look deeply within so we may finally recognize our supporting role in the greatest self con game the world has ever seen. The madness we see in all others clearly resides within."
Profound and true.
Human beings enslave themselves. There are no bars if we don't put them there. We allow our children to grow up and be cops. Cops protect our captors. The Federal Reserve. That money printing press belongs to we the people. Not Silicon Valley types.
True enough.
I think we all see it in ourselves but mostly we only talk about it pertaining to others, never us.
Its the very rare individual indeed who returns the ink pen found in their pocket after a long day, because its not theirs, its the boss' pen or the company's, we all have a drop or two of larceny in us and we always find ways to justify keeping that pen for ourselves.
Its a simple thing really, hardly no cost or we didn't get the raise we deserved or really its a sort of company perk or they get to write it off as a business expense anyways soooo...so in this way we fortify our egos in case we are ever challenged on why the pen is in our possession and being used soley for our benefit now.
But some egos are bigger than others and larger and larger justifications must be made for why such a huge crime was/is committed and allowed as we move up the larceny scale.
And so it goes, with the enemy within ;-)
The greatest impediment to emotional and spiritual growth is rationalization and justification. In our own way we are all experts at it....some more than others.
I can tell you when the alarm clock went off for me.
1967 - Six Days War.
I was 12 years old.
Fortunately, I had 2 parents who looked at the world carefully and thoughtfully.
My father said to me, during one of our conversations, that trans-national corporations would be what brought down humanity.
Clever fellow, my dad.
That, as they say, is pretty awesome parenting. I had no such sudden insights into the confusing world of binary political narratives nor any deep understanding of geopolitics. My folks never offered any opinions that differed from the talking heads on tv. I ate what I was fed, then as I started to get older, started to gag. You don't have to be a genius to work out that when the narrative of the msm and sentiments of the mob say x=bad and y=good along with a ton of repetitive rationalisations, then a few months later wants you to believe y=bad and x=good instead with another set of rationalisations, it is all being done on the whims of insane/evil megalomaniacs who profit and forge power from manipulating the mob.
Words like moral relativism, selective amnesia, propaganda, as well as the works of Stanley Milgram, Solomon Asch, Aldous Huxley and George Orwell all became part and parcel of my vocabulary in my teens in my search for antidotes to my mental gagging. I've added quite a few more technical words and authors since then, especially during my last 5-6 yrs at ZH.
The thing about ego and what Maslow defined as self-actualization is that introspection is probably one of the hardest things to do. It certainly was for me, because one can never tell what unworthy, dark and embarrassing things may lurk inside the armour we develop to cope with life: Arrogance, pride, fear, greed, lust and the rest of it that creates for me a lifetime montage of regrets and wrongs on dark and lonely nights.
When I read about CD's "First light" events in the article, it reminded me of the constant shocks I get these days about my own ignorance on a vast and wide range of subjects. When I was a younger man and started to gather more and more letters after my name, I was so arrogant I actually believed I was peerless in my intellectual ability to understand, remember and disseminate anything that was placed before me. I look back and it is truly embarrassing to remember the sheer ignorant arrogance of my youth.
The questions I ask about myself are often, "Who am I?" "What am I?" and especially "What the hell is wrong with me?" :). The answers to which encompass all the possible facets and variables that can exist within those questions. This is my main paradox as I journey through my life: I never stop learning from my mistakes, but the one thing I never seem to learn is to stop making them.
But back to parenting to end this post. I'm often quite critical of the human apes that roam this world, calling them stupid and worse when I comment on the incredible mess we make of the world and of our personal lives. But sometimes words fail me to describe the terribleness of so many who waltz through their lives trying to cause as much trouble and grief for the rest. Here's an example:
The other day, I walked up to an ATM at a local shop only to be shoved away by a burly middle aged man, much like myself perhaps older. A bit surprised, I said, "Excuse me but I believe I was here first". To which he said wafting of alcohol, "Fuck off, you fucking shit, fucking fight me for it if you're fucking bothered." Now, after the initial shock, the only reason I didn't smack the nutter right on the spot was his child. A boy of perhaps 5-7, clearly distressed looking up at me a step or two away from his dad with a look we shared of exasperation. It took every ounce of self control to keep my hands by my side and keep my mouth shut, but two words came out of my mouth anyway in my anger and sympathy for the boy; "Nice parenting", to which there was agreement from him about what a fucking great dad he was, murmuring expletives all the while he got his money from the machine. Then they were gone. Some things you see every day makes you want to weep for the future of the human race, or wish at least you could divorce yourself from it.
Some years back in a supermarket checkout line the middle aged woman in front of me was being a total jerk with the cashier. Belligerent is too nice a word to describe what she was.
I was so caught up in the spectacle in front of me that I almost missed the young girl of maybe seven or eight at her side. She looked miserable and desperate to get away. Of course she couldn't since she was essentially manacled to a raving lunatic.
Just as the woman was finishing her rant and getting ready to leave I caught the eye of the little girl. I was shocked to see what I would describe as great wisdom and awareness if I had seen it in the eyes of a much older person. My stomach churned and my legs went weak. I shall never forget her eyes as she was dragged away by the maniac. To this day I wonder if she survived her stay in hell.