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Billionaires Shocked To Learn They Only Control Half The World's Wealth

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Satirically brought to you by The New Yorker's Borowitz Report,

A new Oxfam report indicating that the wealthiest one per cent possesses about half of the world’s wealth has left the richest people in the world “reeling with disappointment,” a leading billionaire said on Tuesday.

 

Speaking to reporters in Davos, Switzerland, where he is attending the World Economic Forum, the hedge-find owner Harland Dorrinson said, “I think I speak for a lot of my fellow billionaires when I say I thought we were doing a good deal better than that.”

 

Calling the Oxfam findings “sobering,” he said that he hoped they would serve “as a wake-up call to billionaires everywhere that it’s time to up our game.”

 

“Quite frankly, a lot of us thought that by buying politicians, rewriting tax laws, and hiding money overseas, we were getting it done,” said Dorrinson, who owns the hedge fund Garrote Capital. “If, at the end of the day, all we control is a measly half of the world’s wealth, clearly we need to do more—much more.”

 

In Davos, Dorrinson is huddling with other billionaires in the hopes of setting an ambitious goal for the top one per cent: to own the other half of the world’s wealth by 2025.

 

While he considers this target “doable,” Dorrinson said that he does not underestimate the challenge of wresting the other half from the “vise-like grip” of the approximately seven billion people who comprise the bottom ninety-nine per cent.

 

“Getting that other half is not going to be a walk in the park,” he said. “But ten years from now, when Oxfam says that the top one per cent owns everything in the world, it’ll all have been worth it.”

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Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:01 | 5685114 dexter_morgan
dexter_morgan's picture

LOL - could be an Onion article also. Though........I suggest they do feel that way, just not dumb enough to state it publicly.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:08 | 5685161 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

I'm glad somebody finally said it, even if it is satire.  It wouldn't have worked if we hadn't all immediately recognized the underlying truth of it.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:14 | 5685184 Martial
Martial's picture

Is this one of those 'Fact Or Fiction' posts?

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:37 | 5685269 Arnold
Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:38 | 5685271 localsavage
localsavage's picture

Regardless.....I often find myself hoping for a terror attack on Davos one day.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 21:34 | 5686376 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

Wish in one hand, shit in the other...

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:15 | 5685186 i_call_you_my_base
Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:16 | 5685189 pods
pods's picture

I thought satire was just inflaming Mooslims?

pods

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:56 | 5685365 Bollixed
Bollixed's picture

No, that would be sausagetire. It's a French word...

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 21:36 | 5686381 GMadScientist
GMadScientist's picture

No, that's Sati, and it's Hindu, not Muslim. ;)

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 17:56 | 5685583 Fun Facts
Fun Facts's picture

Dateline 2025:

30 men control 95 percent of the worlds wealth

the serfs have been disarmed

non compliants are undergoing rehabilitation therapy

there is no retirement age, you work until you die to get by

now think of a yummy sounding ZWO media word for soylent green because that's what you're eating

this post is not satire

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 17:34 | 5685273 SickDollar
SickDollar's picture

Sheeples shocked that they own only 1% of the wealth . 1 Million Sport fans (best Representation of a good Sheeple in good standings with the Elite Masters)  were asked  about owning only 1% of the wealth

here is their response

50% responded by: our wealth is in our belly and on display through  TV(dreams)

40% responded: shiiiiit i though we own 0.1%, hell yeah that looks good

10% responded: dont hate the player man, hate the game.  who cares man, my team is doing well bitchez

 

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 18:11 | 5685631 Bloppy
Bloppy's picture

They'll get the other half soon enough. No reason to cry.

 

Want to work for MSNBC's Ed Schultz? Just don't be anything like him:

http://tinyurl.com/qcbcuvc

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 15:59 | 5685115 Manthong
Manthong's picture

Give them time.. they'll get up to speed.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:18 | 5685187 JRobby
JRobby's picture

Round these sociopaths up for reconditioning.

Then send them to bomb squad training camp.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 15:59 | 5685116 Sands8oo
Sands8oo's picture

Was ZeroHedge just Onioned?

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:09 | 5685156 Silky Johnson
Silky Johnson's picture

They've been had. I think the part at the top that says, satirically brought to you by, was just for kicks.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:14 | 5685178 mtl4
mtl4's picture

One would think that naming a company Garrote Capital would be enough to give away the satire.

 

 

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 15:59 | 5685117 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 If it's any solace? Paper burns.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:01 | 5685120 Romney Wordsworth
Romney Wordsworth's picture

Oprah Winfrey needs to get her formidable @ss in gear! We need some pickup from the trailing edges.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:02 | 5685121 kowalli
kowalli's picture

i have got a good ice ax

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:02 | 5685122 CHX
CHX's picture

WTF ? They can be happy if they get to keep their heads on top of their shoulders (and their necks not broken).

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:01 | 5685125 Bell's 2 hearted
Bell's 2 hearted's picture

i remember ted turner back around the turn of the century when tech bubble blew up ... i think his net worth dropped from around $10 billion to only $1 or $2 billion ... had thoughts of suicide

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:05 | 5685140 Mi Naem
Mi Naem's picture

Wow, only $1 billion. 

I guess I could withstand a trauma like that.  I'd gladly try. 

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:58 | 5685370 Osmium
Osmium's picture

But wasn't he porking Jane Fondle back then?  I'm sure that took his mind off his problems.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:02 | 5685127 Gaius Frakkin' ...
Gaius Frakkin' Baltar's picture

Do they actually own 50% of the world or is all the shit they own (or think they own) just over-valued?

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:04 | 5685132 Apostle of Unknown
Apostle of Unknown's picture

bingo

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:06 | 5685149 nuubee
nuubee's picture

Technically, when you also own the companies doing the valuation, you can set your own prices for your 50%.

We're not living in an age where 80 people actually own 50% of the world. We're living in an age where 80 people have managed to convince everyone else that what they own is worth 50% of the world's assets.

At this point, how is a rational human being not supposed to consider the black market the "real " economy?

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:50 | 5685333 Frank N. Beans
Frank N. Beans's picture

when all their FRN's become worthless, the joke will be on them

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 18:43 | 5685754 RaceToTheBottom
RaceToTheBottom's picture

Works for Trump

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:06 | 5685135 Romney Wordsworth
Romney Wordsworth's picture

Let's put it this way [& I'm confident that hedgeless horseman is on board with this]... What I got IS NOT FOR SALE AT ANY PRICE.

 

Carry on billionaires.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:10 | 5685165 Mi Naem
Mi Naem's picture

No problem:

- Eminent Domain

- Civil Asset Forfeiture

- Corzining a la MF Global

- Stick yer ass in a FEMA Camp and just take all yer stuff. 

We got to be billionaire playing by the rules - our rules. 

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 17:05 | 5685394 Mongoose
Mongoose's picture

What? Don't you at least own a pitch fork?

 

Back to killin' snakess

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 20:11 | 5686046 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

 

 

Agreed. The best things in life are not for sale.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:05 | 5685144 i_call_you_my_base
i_call_you_my_base's picture

Well, all of the shit everyone else owns would be too.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:01 | 5685128 reader2010
reader2010's picture

All else need to be relocated to FEMA camps immediately. 

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:02 | 5685130 i_call_you_my_base
i_call_you_my_base's picture

They need the incentive of the other 50% in order to create jobs.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:06 | 5685145 Max Steel
Max Steel's picture

I'm not a billionaire  . 

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:31 | 5685147 HamRove
HamRove's picture

Fucking Obama....he's an obstructionist if he doesn't give them the other half. 

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:05 | 5685150 Max Steel
Max Steel's picture

Sharing is Caring my fellow forbes folks .

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:20 | 5685157 rbgnr111
rbgnr111's picture

worldwide is the key word here...

if you're comparing worldwide ... making around $50k us puts you in the 1%....

this might be more relevant if it were narrowed down more to specific reagions

 

https://www.givingwhatwecan.org/get-involved/how-rich-am-i

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 17:02 | 5685343 Urban Redneck
Urban Redneck's picture

Income has nothing to do with Net Worth.  And the rich don't use gimmicky (and "adjustable") measuring sticks like income to measure the size of their "wallets". 

But more important than whether one looks domestically or worldwide- is whether one includes debt (slavery).

Even just in the USSA - IF one is debt-free... THEN one can live the SNAP & EBT lifestyle on a couch in their parents' basement, and with a single gold eagle "stacked" under the couch cushion, then that one internet troll has a net worth higher than the bottom 60 million Americans COMBINED.  (and that is before the last two years of central bank facilitaed wealth transfer/impoverishment - so the 2014-2015 number is even higher)

Without understanding (and controlling) indebtedness, its almost impossible to climb the financial ladder, because, unfortunately, access to credit is very often critical to building wealth.

 

Wed, 01/21/2015 - 04:21 | 5687276 Ghordius
Ghordius's picture

a tad depressing but true. as much as that for the mundane, every-day use of the word, "rich" means "consuming a lot". the real rich consume very little compared to their income or even more, their net worth. but UR, one quibble: "debt slavery" is not the same everywhere. best example: US student debt. astounding, unique and exceptional

Wed, 01/21/2015 - 05:17 | 5687295 Urban Redneck
Urban Redneck's picture

US student debt is exceptionally non-dischargeable. (Thank you Joe Biden)

The new ACA-compliant US health "insurance" policies (that anyone less than the the 1% can afford) no longer offer 100% cost coverage once one has met the deductible (unlike the rest of the civilized world with either public or private healthcare systems) - for the "bronze" plans that are so popular, they only cover 60%, and only after the patient has coughed up their 5,000 deductible.  In the good old days one had to actually sign themselves into debt slavery with the Devil. (Thank you Barack Obama)

Twenty years ago I remember sitting in a university lecture, the professor was discussing the razor blade business.  Even before the Taliban reduced shaving demand in certain localities- the half dozen major producers had the capacity to shave the world daily several times over... and this was obviously after the advent of twin blade cartridges.  So what do the manufacturers do - a few years later they add a third blade to the cartridge and a third dollar price of each.  Now we have 5 (single edge) blades in a single cartridge for $5 each.  Edward Bernays would be proud - millions below the median income and poverty lines with effectively no net worth choose to spend $5-$10 dollars a week on shit razor blades that can't even match the performance a simple double edge safety razor despite costing 20 times a much (never mind the straight razors I finally retired).  The entire world is FUCKING HOPELESS I tell you.  Americans are just exceptionally hopeless.  

 

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:08 | 5685160 seek
seek's picture

I really wonder, when it gets this concentrated, is it really even wealth anymore? I mean, there's literally no way they can liquidate. When a few people have half of everything, how to do you sell, and how much of it is even relevant to the majority of the population?

It'd be like dumping a bunch of lambo's in some place in Africa with no roads, fuel or other infrastructure and saying the people that own them are rich -- yeah, they have an asset that is worth a lot to someone, but it's worth nothing there and there's no means to convert it.

I have no doubts that in the billions and billions, yes, there's real wealth and they can have as much hookers and blow as they could ever want, but the sheer scale of the inequity almost seems to trap the wealth into its own independent ecosystem that it can't escape. The sad part of this is when it goes up in flames I think the real damage felt will be minimal.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:09 | 5685163 NoDebt
NoDebt's picture

Wealth is only one projection of the real commodity-in-trade:  power.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:25 | 5685212 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

  Wealth is defined by "perceived" control.  Wealth is perception.

 I have better cars, I have better guns, I have more money, ect~

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:19 | 5685199 q99x2
q99x2's picture

Terrible news. Can't go on. I'm making a formal request that the inter-galactic army of moralists arrest the billionaires of Earth and transport them to Q99X2 where they shall be promptly sacrificed upon the the pyramids.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 19:20 | 5685864 RaceToTheBottom
RaceToTheBottom's picture

I read here on ZH that those are inverted pyramids....

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:23 | 5685206 Bill of Rights
Bill of Rights's picture

Davos is busy with a lot of private jet owners.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yKKcfD3wWlg/VL6kXqe6xrI/AAAAAAAAVAk/MCeBduG8J-...

 

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:31 | 5685238 Tursas
Tursas's picture

They count only the NWO's speculative money ignoring the real i.e. the old money.  

The battle of titans is starting. Charlie and SNB fired the first bullets and we are now counting the time.

Sooner or later the soldiers have to decide whom to shoot! Are their families and friends to survive? The answer is no, if the goal is less than 500 million people on this planet!  

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:37 | 5685267 pippi68
pippi68's picture

Come on. Really? This reads like something off theOnion.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:42 | 5685299 samsara
samsara's picture

Satirically brought to you by The New Yorker's Borowitz Report,

sat·ire ?sa?t?(?)r/ noun noun: satire
  1. the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

 

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:37 | 5685268 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

I'm waiting for the TV commercials: "For only $19/month, you can help a struggling billionaire...."

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:42 | 5685290 youngman
youngman's picture

These are the guys that are going to buy the 100 million dollar condo in New York City....go cats go....be da man..cough it up...

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:47 | 5685312 WillyGroper
WillyGroper's picture

"GARROTE CAPITAL"

How apprpriate.

Sad thing is I'm afraid with this next round of theft, sattire may become reality.

Hope they all get the gift that keeps on giving while they're there.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:48 | 5685327 Mike Honcho
Mike Honcho's picture

Eliminate the satire by catching a hot mike at Davos.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 16:57 | 5685345 falak pema
falak pema's picture

Hilarious if its wasn't ghoulish...

Talking about "hilarious if it wasn't ghoulish" there is a controversy about Clint Eastwood's new film : American Sniper.

Here are the comments : 

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/features/american-...

I remember a film about a battle between two snipers called : Stalingrad. I enjoyed that. But it was WW2 and history.

I don't know if i would watch Pax Americana histrionics in Iraq and I get no thrill out of knowing it ending badly for the real character. 

I don't like singing the Horst Wessel song like Newt gingrich does for his US storm troopers... But I respect Clint Eastwood's right to make a movie. 

Its only a movie, like Charlie Hebdo was only a drawing. If you don't like it don't go watch it (or read it).

Ignorance is sometimes bliss, if you feel you don't want to become an idiot rooting for screen/media idiocy.  

Its your choice and it's all "make belief", not reality.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 17:09 | 5685404 Ludwig Von
Ludwig Von's picture

Ennemy at the gates ?

 

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 17:07 | 5685398 Ludwig Von
Ludwig Von's picture

Well, if they escape pitchforks and guillotines, they will own all the rubble that is left of the world… . 

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 17:10 | 5685408 Dark Space
Dark Space's picture

You kind of expect Zero Hedge to not fall hook, line, and sinker for an article purporting a larger government and strategies that effectively steal money from the successful and give it to the government as if that will improve the lives of the less successful.

Some key points you might have highlighted is that the 1% club is not just made up of billionaires - you don't even have to be a millionaire to be in it. You only have to have $3,650 in assets to make the top 50%! Over 1/3rd of all the 1% live in the US, and roughly a 1/3rd of the total wealth on the Globe is in the US. If you think the steadily increasing tax rate in the US has helped, then I urge you to look at the wasteful spending of the government, the ever-growing debt load, and drain on creativity that has moved in lockstep with it. Taking money from people who have proven (for the most part) that they know how to create wealth, and giving it to a government, which consistently prove they are poor at effectively creating wealth, and expecting it to help the "poor people" is insane.

 

They based the report on Credit Suisse's Global Wealth Report 2014. I'd urge you to read that before writing an article based on an article that clearly derives a perverse conclusion from actual data.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 17:18 | 5685446 Pullmyfinger
Pullmyfinger's picture

It's refreshing to finally read a comment from a man who truly understands satire...

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 17:29 | 5685484 Ludwig Von
Ludwig Von's picture

They talk about the 0,01 %

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 18:38 | 5685736 sheikurbootie
sheikurbootie's picture

Again with the fucking math.  It's .01 or 1%, not fucking .01%.  It's no wonder you fuckers will never be here.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 17:44 | 5685539 MEFOBILLS
MEFOBILLS's picture

Actually, Government has a legitimate role...especially for inelastic markets.  They must either regulate or own these markets.  In this sector Government is the most efficient producer.

So, by painting with a broad brush, we do disservice to reality. 

 

Nobody commented on this quote from article:

"Quite frankly, a lot of us thought that by buying politicians, rewriting tax laws, and hiding money overseas, we were getting it done"     

 

If the 17'th ammendment were revoked, then access to lawmakers would be restricted in accordance with the founders wishes.  Senators are supposed to be political representatives of their states, not shills for lobbyist money.

 

All money at it root is law. 

Rentiers and monopoly forces need to be restrained otherwise civilization cannot exist.  To suggest constantly that government is the problem actually helps private rentiers get away with their crimes.

Why is is that money powers historically have attacked the brain center (government) and the reproductive centers of society (credit issuance).  They want cover for their activity.  

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 17:11 | 5685420 bh2
bh2's picture

Wealth held by the bottom 50% of people is not implicitly equal to 50% of total world wealth.

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 17:25 | 5685466 SweetDoug
SweetDoug's picture

'

'

'

 

You know Hedgers, it's a sad day, when I miss the line 'satirically' at the top of the page, and only just doubt a little bit, that even this is just too over the top, and have to do a search for it.

We're getting to the point where we just can't satirize or make da shid up that comes out, now.

 

•?•
V-V

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 17:24 | 5685467 SillySalesmanQu...
SillySalesmanQuestion's picture

May a mammoth sinkhole open underneath Davos and swallow the .1% into the belly of mother earth. If not...JUMP FUCKERS!!!!!

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 17:36 | 5685514 Fishhawk
Fishhawk's picture

The numbers don't add up.  The graph shows the bottom 50% own $2 trillion.  The US stock market is nominally worth $20 trillion.  And the graph does not speak to the 1%, only the richest 80 induhviduals.  If world GDP is about $70 trillion, then total wealth is somewhere between 3 and 10 times that number, say $300 trillion.  Then the richest 80 Forbes people own something less than 1% of all world wealth.  They would of course be counted with the top 1%, who could then own some $150 trillion.  Bottom Line: the article and the numbers presented in the chart are intended to be misleading and obfuscating, more for emotional flamethrowing than enlightenment.  

Fishhawk 

Tue, 01/20/2015 - 20:32 | 5686126 thebigunit
thebigunit's picture

A wierd presentation.

It implies that a hundred percent of wealth is owned by individuals.

The Great Rush Limbaugh noted that half of the world's wealth is owned by tin-pot dictators, i.e. governments.

 

Question: North Korea is an egalitarian communist society. How much of North Korea's wealth is owned by the top one percent?

 

  1. One percent
  2. One-hundred percent

 

Question: Twenty-eight percent of the land in the United States is owned by the federal government. Fifty-two percent of land in the western United States is owned by the federal government. Who owns the the most wealth in the United States?

 

  1. The federal govenment
  2. Billionaires
  3. The 99 percenters.
  4. China
  5. The Rothschilds

 

 

Wed, 01/21/2015 - 01:03 | 5687084 GRDguy
GRDguy's picture

Satire or not, it points out the true meaning of "financial sociopath." No matter how much they have, it will never be enough, and they will strike without conscience nor empathy.  Just like a python, which probably lead to the book title "Snakes In Suits."

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