This page has been archived and commenting is disabled.
DuMB AND DuMBKoPF...
- advertisements -
Contact Information:
Tips: tips [ at ] zerohedge.com
General: info [ at ] zerohedge.com
Legal: legal [ at ] zerohedge.com
Advertising: ads [ at ] zerohedge.com
Abuse/Complaints: abuse [ at ] zerohedge.com
Suggested Reading:
Make sure to read our "How To [Read/Tip Off] Zero Hedge Without Attracting The Interest Of [Human Resources/The Treasury/Black Helicopters]" Guide
It would be very wise of you to study our disclaimer, our privacy policy and our (non)policy on conflicts / full disclosure. Here's our Cookie Policy.
Hilarious WB.
Three thumbs up!
whew! that was some kinda january. and with all that's happened, one may assume that janus -- being the namesake of the month just past -- would be stirred to prolific undertakings of humorous yet insightful analysis and prognosis in this just past month of his namesake. but as it says in scripture, 'janus was not made for january; rather january was made for janus.' and so it was that i'd divested all obligations to entertain and brighten a dim and overcast world and instead invested a month in janus, and the results are phenomenal.
of all the great and marvelous wonders i've wrought over the last 31 days there could be thick and glossy multi-volume encyclopedias printed; but this is the internet, and space is limited. besides which, my trademark humility forbids that i boast over my many and most heroic achievements -- helping others is just what i do. additionally, the people's patience is worn thin with hero-stories...sure, superman, we've all saved our share of damsels, but when's the last time you put your butt on the line for superman? i ask you all: what good is a super-hero if he can't save himself? i don't know about the rest of you, but i'm ready for a 'real' epic of 'true' heroics. and so i give you (and me), the story of how janus saved himself (and a lot of others along the way).
it all started one cold, early winter's night. it was an inauspicious eve; and as i walked from wal-mart with a pair of cheap speakers just bought for my laptop i tried to decide between a magnum of merlot or a box of grigio. little could i've suspected it, but this choice and the resultant decision was pregnant with much portension.
janus is a judicious, pragmatic and strategic sort of thinker; and in that i planned on drinking again the following day, it made sense to defer to the implacable demands of economy. that is to say, i bought the box. thinking also that 8 glasses of wine might require a ninth -- because, at the end of the day, if you're going to drink 8 glasses of wine, you may as well cap it off with #9 -- i didn't want to find myself wanting one more late into the night's 22nd hour when massachusetts packies close at eleven.
this all went down about five weeks ago, but i remember it like it was last month. i was sitting right over there (i'm looking over at the chair in front of a small table in front of a window overlooking buzzard's bay, just to give you a visual), drinking (a lot of) wine. and though for many drinking alone seems a depressing and desperate enterprise, for some of us drinking alone makes for mirth engaged with the very best of company. i have had some of the lovliest times of my life alone with booze and music. i get misty and nostalgic thinking about it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BA7p5VwAXk0
anyway, as i was saying, i was sitting right over there, drinking (a lot of) wine and blasting some tunes through my new ten dollar speakers. but something was wrong. as if the magic of mirth were missing. i was drunk, but not 'intoxicated'. almost as if the alcohol had double-fermented into something foul deep inside me.
it at first occurred to janus that he wasn't drinking enough; which at the time seemed a reasonable conclusion...looks like i'd grown out of a size 9; time to break in a new pair of shoes, and maybe give myself a bit of room to grow. so i tried on an eleven.
11 glasses of wine and still a sour and grumpy disposition. as to all of whatever happened next, only the NSA and GOD can say; but of the evidence remaining we can safely deduce that janus drank somewhere on the order of 16 glasses of wine that night (not counting spillage). and, look, i gave it the ole college try; of course i assumed i'd had a bad night...just shake it off and get back with the program. but it wasn't to be. every time i tried to get nice and jolly drunk after that, it was like trying to kick-start a moped with a bad spark-plug.
okay, now, before i tell the tale of humorous heroics, i want to for a moment be serious and say that i am now a big believer in sobriety; the merits of which are uniformly positive and self-evident. i feel a lot better in general; and i find myself only wanting to raze the world to ashes about a third of the time...which is a remarkable improvement. be that as it may, i have to be realistic; i am, after all, janus, and as such it would be a disservice to the world if i withheld from it my characteristic charms, many of which are catalyzed only by the addition of a cocktail or two (or 11). and so i will restrict my drinking to social settings and festive occasions...and, well, i may puff a bowl here or there...and, hypothetically speaking, if there were to magically appear some substance and the setting were appropriate... -- let's just say i'm not making any rigid rules for janus, just hedging in his excesses.
okay, a song or 3 for interlude:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuC_l3ymXhM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lD9ozx1-oT0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBpw3SEfJSs
normally when in times past i sought to reduce my drinking, janus simply substituted another drug to stand in its stead as the preferred vice. but, really, i was always slouching back towards booze; other drugs weary me quickly -- the sauce is for life. as it happened, there came across my path several affiliates and acolytes of a group called AA (acronym for alcoholics anonymous), and they all said that this was a consistent feature found in all who have problems. i tried to explain that i didn't have a problem with alcohol, just some of the effects consequent its over-consumption. still, they persisted that such comments were shared by all in common.
but i was at first resistant. i'm not one for groups of sad-sacks brandishing watery eyes and boxes of kleenex; if janus is to engage in group therapy, his efforts will be invested in nineteen year old nympho-maniacs and their endless struggle with addiction (poor-poor forgotten girls). and so i got to thinking along these lines. reckoning at first that a serious sex addiction should be endeavored to pass the time till my next bender, and seeing that the local chapter of 19 year old nympho's recovery had been shut down (or possibly never opened), i turned to mrs. janus and explained to her my plan.
suffice it to say, she was not hip to the jive.
and as far as her participation went, whatever there was to be of it would have to wait -- inasmuch as she'd at that time been by nature made unsanitary. {side note: there are certain and sundry traditions from the Old Testament that i'd like to see revived in the golden age. one of which is the ostracizing of women when they are 'unsanitary'. back in the day, they used to pack bitches together during their sassy time of the month off in little huts. it was an acceptable and expedient solution to a VERY big problem that's been dogging mankind ever since. and there was the solution, right in front of us the whole time, in the place you'd least expect to find it: the Bible. menstruation huts -- yet another gift from janus & God for to straighten out a mixed up world}
okay, so, where was i...oh yes -- recovery. i'd finally hit bottom. i was horrified to find myself bored of booze and no vices presented themselves as suitable substitutes. as i considered my options and personal commitments it made sense to just give one of those meetings a try. i mean, what can it hurt? worst that could happen is you meet a new drinking buddy; and if you're lucky you'll run into a few 19 year old nymphos.
i was hooked from the start. it didn't take me long to get over the shame i felt for others at hearing their hard-luck tales of grim misfortune; but soon as i did, something wonderful happened. it was almost as if i were empowered at hearing, in elaborate detail, the abominable wrecks these people'd made of their lives...and with every accumulating saga and every emptied box of kleenex i came to understand how much better a person i was/am compared with all those losers. i wasn't just getting something out of those meetings, i was taking all that i could.
naturally, janus blew through all 12 steps in record time and added a few of his own devising. this is because most of those 12 steps don't apply to me (actually, almost none of them do); so while all those other sissies were off pleading for forgiveness, janus was busy drafting steps 13, 14 & 15. that's right, bitchez! recovery just got that much harder thanks to janus.
in that steps 13, 14 & 15 are explained in a three volume set comprising some 2800 pages, i'll do the reader a solid and condense them into a single theme, and i've coined a term for it: "tough love" if you'd like to read more about "tough love" check out my website and like me on facebook.
www.janusdrinkstheaddictstearswithsteps1314&15.com
as you may expect, janus shot like a meteoric blaze across addiction's stage and set the whole of it on fire! suddenly, i was the toast of a group that made no toasts; i was the golden child destined to midwife them into a new milenium with my three new steps, a brash/brazen manner and a fierce conviction to help; i was the whisper on every lip...fortune truly does favor the bold. or so i thought.
let me tell you something about addicts: they are the most ungrateful ego maniacs there are. they are of dubious character because they have no loyalty to a genius who comes along with 3 new steps and humbly expects to take over.
before things took a truly bizarre turn for the absurd, i was up to about seven meetings a day...i was buzzing all over new england -- going from meeting to meeting, evangelizing to one and all about the added requirements they now faced (seeing how i'd recently added three new steps to their regimen). i didn't sugarcoat a thing; i spoke it rough and right...things were going to be a little different from now on. from here out, no body was leaving a meeting without some sort of permanently scarring emotional trauma. "tough love" had come to town.
then, wouldn't you know it, just when i'm starting to build a devoted following, in comes the lawyers and the restraining orders. without getting into the particulars i'll say that janus is, apparently, the first ever to be issued a lifetime banishment from anything or anyone associated with AA.
but it's like they say, when a door closes a window is opened. and just about the time i start feeling really sorry for myself, thinking of how much better i could be feeling about janus if he weren't denied his audience of addicts and their endless mishaps, along comes yet another moment of brilliant inspiration. boom.
why not start your own AA, janus? why not indeed!
at first i thought i'd call it AA+. then i toyed around with AA++. but then it hit me: AA+++! that's the ticket.
and i am happy to report to you all that janus has personally saved some 71 nineteen year old nymphos (and counting). make no mistake, victories take time with nymphos; healing is a marathon, not a sprint. this is an undertaking demanding cultivation and patience. that's right, janus is harvesting addiction, and 2015 is going to be a bumper crop. so you see, ZHealots, that's what makes a visionary. you find a need and you fill it...sometimes you'll find seventy one.
and, well, since it's been such an uneventful month with very few meaningful news stories, i guess i'll close by wishing you all a happy superbowl sunday, enjoy your beer and circuses (you've earned them, amorica), and GO PATS!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_c1YM53Wwo
janus
Let me know when your next meeting is. Hopefully at the East Bay. I see a lot of em that need saving in the summer and I bet we could save a bunch more this winter... Count me in. I have a couple more ideas for additional steps that proved practical when I was working in Rochester NY. There is a pub there named My Apartment and after my demonstration, I got free drinks for years and my picture on the wall.
Great read, really a diatribe and I enjoyed it. Me thinks you and me suffer from a common affliction. That there's too much of 'you' to contain within yourself. It's almost overwhelming. I think the same thing afflicted Robin Williams, David Carradine and others. There was too much there and it's not easy to handle, all that energy, those ideas and it just wants to come busting out of you at 500 PSI. I too enjoy the solitiude. At the shop, I have several pairs of vintage 70's Studio Monitors and I prefer to be alone, when listening to them. It is a selfish thing and I do not wish to be disturbed. All I want, is the music, me and my JBL 4315's. Add some alchohol and whatnot and I'm a happy, happy guy for a few hours. It is dark at the Industrial Center and nobody is there. I'm surrounded by my art, my creativity and my tunes and life is good for a little while.
mr. j,
that was grand, thanks for the memories
and the musical links. one thing, there
is no destination to the link for the 2800
pages of pure inspiration? anyway, i get
the jest or gist? some people just need,
as me dear old mother used to say,
"a good spanking". today, she would be in jail,
even in her own day she was known as an outlaw.
her personal doctor said as much upon her
mortal demise, warning her children to think
twice before attempting to follow in any of her
wild and crazy footsteps.
Rev. Gary Davis performance - 25mins
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fpPgo4Deo4
best to you and all.
Bravo to you and Banzai. Who needs Superbowls when we've stuff like this floating around the interweb.
you stop drinking wine when your spit turns purple.
how dare they leave Soros out of the game?
Mr. Panos has the answer to the unasked question.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zvl9N9GdraQ
"The Greeks must pay! Oh yeah, and the American and European taxpayer too; anyone but the banksters and the elites and politicians!
Austerity must remain! The regular folks and families must pay to support the lifestyles of the elites and the politicians and banksters!
We must use the mass media to perpetuate this lie and division that the Greeks are 'lazy' and they must pay! Everyone must pay!!! (Everyone but us, the banksters/elites/politico's/paid media wonks)."
All hail the New Rome! All hail the New Nobility! All hail the slave masters of the New West!"
But really, hang those fuckers, or draw and quarter them. I have fucking had it.
Warren says if any child has a pony, all children must have a pony. On your back.
Free ponies!
The world does not go round, it compounds.
Lazy stinking corrupt Greeks, versus German Nazis. God save the banks...
There, we've covered it all for the MSM.
http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2015-01-31/tsipras-says-greece-to...
it made for great news and another BTD moment, we'll be up a couple hundred tomorrow morning. the media is the handmaiden to the BTD mentality, the problem i assume occurs when there is no one left to sell the rumor and of course some rumors are true
That just about sums it up. Still, i root for the unter-hundt.
That just about sums it up. Still, i root for the unter-hundt.
That just about sums it up. Still, i root for the unter-hundt.
Deutschland, Deutschland ueber alles, I like that song. The Greeks should learn it, as they start to move to their new homeland and tell the last one left to turn off the Lights.
Holy shit I am on Lose7! and it is my brother's comp. I hope he doesn't mind that I installed firefox and adblock plus on this system. Ooops. Well for fuck sakes I can't run a search from yahoo. I think gogoduck. Jesuss H on a popsickle stick. I have shitty keyboroards like this out in my garage. My brother just does it dirrently than I do. The OS is still better than Lose 8.1.. I have a Lose OS 7 and but I just made. Hell my bro is 57 years old so we can't him too much but I can make his comp work better. I can do so.
But yeah, I did finally close on that house and I an not sure what to say. I have never seen anything like it in my life. The credit union they were using were professionasl and very nice folks and there we no issues. I have no reason to complain about them so I won't. I will however complain about my bank. It was just a terrible problem when I when went to deposit the check for $98,000. That created an issue. So I wanted five grand in cash. Oh hell no. Then a pimple faced redheadeded gal told me the law.
I had to ask, well where is my money? In an time based ZH classsic, is realy IS NOT YOUR MONEY. I guess they think it is their money. The story is over.
over.
imagine if you wanted to pay for something that large in gold bars.
Well done!
Ubuntu. Boot off a CD.
I love my credit union.
over.
What's wrong with all the peoples
they revel in pinching nipples
Loan me more money
and I'll be your honey
We are completely devoid of scruples
that is funny, what do they follow it with, Noogies? i see Dartmouth college has outlawed undergraduate booze too much drunken dry humping i suppose, which brings us back to the EU
Now that's hilarious! Merkel is one creepy Hun, is she not?
or one hunky creep
I like you already.
Sam Adams was quite a character (hell raiser) and played the most important role in getting things going. It was nice to see George Washington and Ben Franklin step up too.
Sam Adams September 27, 1722 vs John Adams October 30, 1735?
Sam was John's nephew. They had very large families back then so it wasn't unsual when an uncle would be younger than his nephew.
Samuel was born in a wealthy, religious family that was also involved in politics. His family was well respected in the Massachusetts colony and was among the first settlers in New England. His father, Samuel Adams Sr. was born May 16, 1689 in Boston and Mary Fifield, his mother, was born May 7, 1694 in the same city. They married in 1713 and had twelve children. Samuel was their tenth child born. In an era of high infant mortality only three survived; older sister Mary, Samuel and younger brother Joseph.
I'm interested in knowing how the signers of the DoI died. The internet makes this accessible. When I have time...
"On a long enough timeline"...
Working with the best, the most honest, charities abroad, I am asked not how we - America - got to this disaster, but how the Founders did it. They want a Republic. They want what we had. These are the poorest nations in the world. Thats where I gifted. Nothing to do with politics. Obama causes racism. Now I only gift here.
I started watching the History Channel's "Sons Of Independence" and think that this is a class act production. What we are seeing here is exactly what they went through back then. Civil asset forfeitures, undue taxation, police state, corruption, warrantless searches and on and on. Lafayette reminds me a bit of Dick Cheney. Sam Adams was quite a character (hell raiser) and played the most important role in getting things going. It was nice to see George Washington and Ben Franklin step up too.
I'm at the part when George Washington went to Boston and drove Lafayetten out, but the best part was the writing of the Declaration of Independence. Those words are the most important I have ever seen and want to link those words here:
http://www.let.rug.nl/usa/documents/1776-1785/the-final-text-of-the-decl...
Take a moment to read them and then look around.
Just out of curiousity before i queue it up, did they mention this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KaWBs46USqE
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burr–Hamilton_duel
you neglected to mention the episode where space aliens arrived and gave the FF the words to the Declaration.
Tyrrany is here. Now it's up to us....or not.
It would be awesome if immigrants forced America to live up to its hype and deliver the dream.
Ahahahahahaha ahahahahahaha hahaha
It would be awesome if America forced illegal immigrants to drop their allegiances to a foreign country and participate in the American Dream.
This ^
"What we are seeing here is exactly what they went through back then. Civil asset forfeitures, undue taxation, police state, corruption, warrantless searches and on and on. Lafayette reminds me a bit of Dick Cheney."
Bush 41 violated the constitution when he outsourced US military defense. Cheney gave it away through Halliburton.
Cheney is a traitor.
If not for booze at the green dragon tavern I am not sure if they would have pulled it off, liquid courage helped start the first revolution, stock up me mates.
Yeah, can you imagine real hard times?
A guy that would provide a pig cookout would draw all of people he chooses for a weekend roast. A pig is a lot of meat for many people.
Same thing if you are wealthy enough to have kegs or cases of booze.
In hard times... it will be hard to bring people to an event to talk... and many of us don't mix with other people as much as would be helpful.
Times were pretty tough then, huge unemployment etc.. John Hancock was a 1%er and would have gladly cut a deal with Lafayette, However, Lafayette confiscated his home and Hancock changed his tune. He took what money he had left and financed the beginning of the revolt. His signature was the first and largest on the DOI so as the King would not miss it.
9/11 Truth: The NIST “no molten metal” guy posing by steel with unexplained melting (PHOTOS)
you see the guilty and all that hang off them
will not prosecute themselves, the dead have no
representation or voice in this realm of delusion.
in principle and over time all is revealed and there
we find truth and judgment. there, on the long day of days.
enjoy life while it lasts i say, work it.
?
come to think of it god himself had to find,
though he need look non too far, elements to
convict his own son, according to some, as jesus
was not about to convict or
crucify himself for any transgression beyond
being human.
this paying for original sin or paying for
debt of which one has no comprehension is
merely a mythological control meme deployed
by the "knowing not what they do" clan.
...
piss my pants laughing, wb. genius
Hopefully, they failed to procreate
That was the best of '15 Billy! Excellent depiction of Euro dysfunction.
Have you seen this clip from Southpark?
Nice work. Here's your billion dollars. Now please go away.
Bravo WB7
31 JANUARY 2015
The Worst Trade Deal That You've Never Heard Of
.
Obama's hypocrisy seems to know no bounds. He was for hope and change, openness and transparency, jobs and civil society.
He is a brand, a marketing product of identity politics. Unfortunately, most of the politicians of both the left and the right are the same. They are just targeted to different segments of the public.
They say what is required for their marketing campaigns, and then do what they have been told to do by the moneyed interests who have bought and shaped them after they are elected." jca
.
http://jessescrossroadscafe.blogspot.com/2015/01/the-worst-trade-deal-th...