This Is Why Hewlett-Packard Is Firing 58,000

Tyler Durden's picture

The biggest scandal in today's release of Hewlett Packard Q1 earnings was not that, just as the Nasdaq is knocking on 5000's door, it reported revenues of $26.8 billion missing consensus expectations of $27.3 billion, while beating non-GAAP EPS by 1 cent to $0.92 (up from $0.90 a year ago) entirely due to a massive reduction in outstanding stock and some truly gargantuan non-GAAP addbacks (GAAP EPS declined from $0.74 a year ago to $0.73) pushing the stock down 7% after hours.

The biggest scandal was the company announced that having cut 44,000 workers so far, it will cut 58,000 jobs by the end of 2015. From Bloomberg:


Incidentally, just 10 years ago Hewlett Packard employed a total of 58,000 people in the entire US.

So why is the company axing 58 thousand workers? Simple: so it can cut enough costs on top and continue to fund its now exponential surge in stock buybacks, which in the just concluded quarter was a record $1.6 billion, an increase of 178% from a year ago, and 66% more than the company spent on CapEx, in the process making its shareholders even richer while its management team get massive equity-linked bonuses.

Rinse. Repeat.

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Hohum's picture

Layoffs?  Oh boy, I think tomorrow pushes the Nasdaq over 5,000!

RaceToTheBottom's picture

Bonus time.

The bonuses will continue until there are no more employees.

Stroke's picture

Fuck the employes.....Ra Ra Ra the fuckin' corporations....OOOOoooo the S&P


What a joke.....What a fuckin' joke

pemdas's picture

HP is getting rich because  its printer ink costs $10,000 per gallon. (Really)

Stuck on Zero's picture

If the employees who are fired would join ISIS then the administration could help them find jobs.

NoDebt's picture

58,000 is like a 400 lb. WalMart scooter jockey bragging they lost 40 lbs.  Check out how much better I look!

(Side note- stay the hell away from HP.  That company is heading down the same well-worn path as Unisys, Xerox, Radio Shack and Blackberry into irrelevancy.  Their strategy will fail.)


weburke's picture

the idea that the road ahead is taking the facist system private, looks like it maybe is the case.

Save_America1st's picture

nothing to see here, "folks"...move along.

Dontchya know?  We're in a recovery!

The Rebloodlicans and Democrips gangs are in full control and hey....they know juuuuuuuuuust what they're doin' for our own good, "folks". 

So just stay calm and keep up with the Kardashitards.


COSMOS's picture

I think I will mail HP a letter telling them they are fired.  After having bought 5 HP computers, three lap tops and two desktops over the past four years for my family, I think its time they get the pink slip.  They can bid their stock price to the moon for all I care, they are not getting any more of my business.  Enjoy the lack of oxygen at the top mofos.

Dear HP,
Just wanted to let you know that I have fired your as my computer company.  Over the past few years I have bought three of your laptops and two of your desktops.  In light of the massive layoffs you have announced, I will no longer support a company that worries more about its stockprice and executive bonuses tied to its performance.
Sorry for the pink slip.  You know how it is, shit happens.

Let them know how you the way I wouldnt fuck meg whitman if she was the last he-bitch on the planet.

Temporalist's picture

I know you all will be sad to read that


JPMorgan to close 5% of its bank branches

Richard Chesler's picture

6M potential jew banskters were killed in WW2.

58K goyim losing their jobs is peanuts.


Can't we get some fucking perspective here?


TrafficNotHere's picture

<=- Yes

<=- No

Is this what he meant by fundementally changing America?

giovanni_f's picture

Dear Mr. Cosmos,

thank you very much for your letter that we really appreciate.

Best regards,

<Name of a Ivy league PR cunt who cannot distinguish a laptop from a fry pan>

kiwidor's picture

i'll never forgive HP nor Compaq scum for destroying/gutting Digital and foisting over-buggerized intel crapola on us.

even gave away my old HP calculator and went back to using a slide-rule.  jeez must be 14 years of not buying an HP product. that's 7 laptop purchase cycles, bitchez.  HP printer? nope.  5 printers since then, all Canon.

HP PC's were always shite.  the ol' 9000 series unix servers from the 90's were pretty nicely made tho.   bygone era :(  

TheReplacement's picture

Servers I can understand.  Laptops and desktops, seriously?  HP makes crap front end units and has for a long, looong time.

Lenovo (Chinese) laptops.

Don't care about desktops.  They are all pretty much the same Crap Inside anyway.


Tapeworm's picture

I bought several HP desktops on the used market and they have performed flawlessly for years. Too bad that they cost me 100 bucks per unit and HP got nothing.

ThirteenthFloor's picture

All in your perspective the business owners and banksters (remember they call QE stimulus) are in recovery, while the rest are falling into a black hole. A few are taking cover for the Tsunami.

MisterMousePotato's picture

Bust out? Goodfellas, I think.

Joe Tierney's picture

Yep, I dreamed of working for HP, in my mind, a truly legendary American technology company. When I finally realized my 'dream' a few years ago, I was deeply disappointed when I witnessed first-hand how HP's legendary inventiveness and creativity had been replaced by laziness and a pervasive culture of entitlement. HP's leadership is nothing more than a cadre of corporate raiders, screwing over every aspect of the company for their own selfish ends. One year ago I quit HP in disgust, and went to work for a small innovative company that was founded by 4 HP engineers 23 years ago. I'm loving it!


HP - a good analogy for what's happening to America. We are so scrood!

willwork4food's picture

Joe, that's what America needs to do. Tell their over paid boss at mega companies to get fucked and go build another real American made company from scratch and enjoy your work even though you get a cut in pay (for a while).

Creepy A. Cracker's picture

Have you ever looked at the myriad of government roadblocks set up to strangle business, especially someone without the money for corporate lawyers and campaign funds?  Forget it.  Go overseas if you want to start a business.

Creepy A. Cracker's picture

Yeah, they used to make the BEST test equipment.  Then they decided to diversify into desktop computers, laptops, etc, competing with China.

tarsubil's picture

Then they decided to preload malware on all of their computers. That was fucking genius. I have not so much as touched an HP product since that little adventure with HP.

tarsubil's picture

Like Radioshack and so many other companies in America, HP is suffering from douche-in-a-suit syndrome. Sounds like they have a lot of douches.

The central planners's picture

Now your dream should be joining ISIS. The jobless terrorist club.

Keyneconoclast's picture

Ditto, I landed there in 2001. Just in time for Carly. My first team meeting ... they announced layoffs. The guy sitting next to me, gone. The slow atrophy was demoralizing. Each quarter you look up, while reading the latest bad news, and notice more and more empty cubicles. I got out last year, and I am loving it!

Captain Planet's picture

That might be exactly what the largest HP shareholders are tyring to do. They know the company is irrelevant in the long run, so they go full steam ahead with the pink slips, stock buybacks, divestements, liquidations and anything else that will pay out now. Then, once all Preferred Shares are bought back by "the Company", Goldman goes on a sales campaign with loads of hp stock for the pleebs. 

COSMOS's picture

I am sure GS can line up a bunch of pension plans to buy up HP at an all time high prices while they short the stock.  Just another round of more of the same moneychanger cliques working to the detriment of the goyim.

But as usual Captain Planet you hit it out of the ballpark with your analysis.

lakecity55's picture

Actually, ISIS IS hiring, and they get the secret service BX privileges, too!

sun tzu's picture

Does the job come with US government benefits or are they considered contract employees of Uncle Sam?

kliguy38's picture

HP is a dinosaur and hires CEOs that suck the dick off of what's left of the company.....when these zero imagination CEOs clean the last morsel off the HP bone THEN is will fire its last employee

RiderOnTheStorm's picture

What exactly are you saying that karlie Fiorina, or however you spell her name, would or wouldn't do to my bone???

knukles's picture

Would you want her to do your bone?

RiderOnTheStorm's picture

Better than making soup out of it.

Occams_Chainsaw's picture

She is so nasty I would not do her with your bone.

djcando's picture



Oh Meg, Oh Meg,

stop pissin' down my leg.

You're stawk's not cheap

but jobs you'll reap

To make the bonus peg! 

adr's picture

Yeah, no shit. You used to get 45ml of ink for $15 that could print a few reams of paper. Now you get 8ml for $45.

Fucking joke.

RiderOnTheStorm's picture

The more we spend on ink, the more stawks HP can by back.  The more stawks HP buys back, the more useless employees they can lay off.  The more useless x-employees there are, the more workers there will be at McDonalds.  The more workers they have at McDonalds, the faster we will get Big Macs at the drive through.  The faster we get our Big Macs at the drive through, the more ink will be used on the receipts.  The more ink used on he receipts, the more money HP will make.  The more money HP makes, the more stawks they can buy back.  The more stawks they buy back, the more Managers HP can lay off.  The more HP managers they lay off, the more Managers they will have at McDonalds.  The more Managers thay have at McDonalds, the slower we will get our Big Macs at the drive through.  The slower we get our Big Macs at the drive through, then less ink will be used on the receipts.  The less ink used on the receipts, the less money HP will make.  The less money HP makes, the less stawks they will buy back.  The less stawks they buy back, the more money they will have to re-hire more empoyees.  The more employees they re-hire, the more Managers they will need.  The more managers that HP needs, means less managers at McDonalds.  The less managers at McDonalds means we get or Big Macs faster at the drive through.

A perfect economic cycle

Thirst Mutilator's picture

I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure fuck it, while I'm at it why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.

RiderOnTheStorm's picture

Yes, you could be President!!  And a dam site better then the one we got!!!  I humbly volunteer to be your campain manager.

sidney sloth's picture

Barry never clubbed a baby seal. That is a despicable untruth.

Peanut Butter Engineer's picture

They use heat printing on those receipts which doesn't use any inks and it's about time you guys start using 3rd party china made continuous ink system! One investment of $50 8 years ago including gallon of generic ink bottles for refill I haven't bought any HP inks since then! Saving me thousands already, get with the program and use generic inks. Hp officejet 7000series are the best their ink cartridge does not require hard reset verse other unit that I have used.

Chauncey Gardener's picture

Bravo! Brilliant analogy. Fucking brilliant.
Encore, please!!!