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How Christy Turlington Cost Apple $17 Billion: The Annotated Apple Watch Event
Well that escalated quickly.
AAPL stock surged exuberantly on news of a gold Macbook - ran Friday's high stops... then started to tumble on the Apple Watch release, but things got really bad once the Christy Turlington cheesey infomercial kicked in:
The commentary in The Verge was harsh:
- And Christy Turlington Burns is here!
- "She is incredibly impressive. She is Christy Turlington Burns."
- I can't even with this video. It's about maternal health in Africa, with Apple Watch product placement.
- Christy Turlington Burns sadly does not ride a giraffe onto the stage.
- This is so embarassing I want to die.
- "This is my fashion favorite I have to say." "Yes, oh yes."
- Christy wants to beat her marathon record, and the Apple Watch is going to help her get there. Because it injects dopamine directly into your bloodstream.
- Christy is going to do a blog on Apple.com about running omg.
And the punchline:
- Apple has reached the "forced fake Q&A with celebrities" portion of its keynote lifecycle.
End result not good, now that even the fanboys appear to be turning off:
Losing $17 billion in market cap... or 1.7 million $10k Edition watches
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So I guess Joey Knish isn't gonna get his blow job...
Go have fun with this poll and this is all you need to know how fucked this country is.
http://www.cnbc.com/id/102488381
Who the fuck is this bitch?
And who cares!?
DDDUUUHHHHH!!!
We peak i-shitted some folks.
I'm literally trying to imagine myself excited about this thing to see if I can experience that thrill, and I can't get past instantly feeling dumb.
It's just not that hard to pull your phone out of your pocket.
Apple made mistake #1 in marketing with a model:
Make sure she has ample breastages.
For a point of reference, the Game of War ads with Kate Upton.
I could care less about the game, but enjoy the ads.
Will they remove Apple from the Dow now?
The iNvasive watch has a garage door opener app! Now when I lose my watch I can live in fear that someone will murder me in the night and use my watch to find directions to my house! (and or turn off my fridge, turn on the AC, set off the fire system...)
So the premise of the Apple Watch marketing campaign is:
Buy the Apple Watch or you are a RACIST who wants AFRICAN MOTHERS TO DIE!
Does it have finger print recognition?
(Missed all the hoopla, and am thankful for small things.)
sadly, most i-Diots will buy this phone more because it says "Apple" somewhere on it than for the actual phyzz gold this otherwise useless fucking watch has on/in it.
Most of those people don't own even one ouce of phyzz silver or gold bullion and would scoff at paying 1250 for a bad ass American Gold Buffalo or American Gold Eagle.
If those bitchez would save their money and buy phyzz silver now they could get a whole lotta ounces that will be worth way more than that hunk of junk watch will ever be worth other than for its market phyzz gold value.
<< It's just not that hard to pull your phone out of your pocket. >>
Yo! You got that wrong!
"It's just not that hard to ask the Butler what time it is."
I can't believe I'm agreeing with Headbanger, but who the fuck is Christy Turlington?
Am I just old or is this where you have to be into a certain sport/TV show to know who she is?
Angelina Jolie lite.
Ha i was wondering the same thing. Im only 30, am I that out of touch with what passes for popular culture these days?
(I hope so, I feel like us not knowing reflects highly of us)
(Just curious, I asked my wife, she didn't know either)
She's the iBitch.
Who?
I suppose that proves that she is not a shemale. You can tell by the abscense of an AAPL in her throat.
ba-dum-shhhh
18 hour battery life? ???????????????????????????????????
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Oh please.
The I-BITCH!
The WICKED BITCH of the WEST!
If you have to ask WHO...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lT8qgvgk1rU
(HINT: She's the one in GREEN)
sh't, this is giving all the i-stuff a bad name (eh breath)...
should have stayed with pc, pad, and fone...
iCrap !
Angelina Jolie without the boobs?
. . . oh wait.
in the '90s, turlington was a famous runway model.
Where did she runaway from?
The same i-Diots will find things to whine about the watch as they already have now about Facebook...
The Grand Wussification of America Continues as Protests Erupt over Facebook Emoticons
no but they will remove your mother
They were marketing to upper middle class mommies who run a few miles per week. They finger themselves nightly wishing they were Christy Turlington.
How is this different from Sears using Ellen DeGenneres selling vagitarian couture?
I'm betting this is just as bad. No one cares about starving kids in Africa. This is the only dopamine shot they get all week due to their wages losing value by the month due to inflation.
It didnt' work for Sally Struthers, and it won't work for this waif of a model. Ew.
Next time, have Kate Upton put one on her chest as a "heart rate monitor". Jeez...
VAgitarian! He-He...
'How is this different than Sears Sawbuck coming out with a new line of Ellen DeGenerate Vagitarian cuisine?' It's no different than Saddam coming out with 'Aluminium Tubes'. They're both SEXY, but THREATENING our FREEDUMBS! TUBES belong in the Vagitarius!
(Shit, I must have misunderestimated.)
(Wink wink)
GW
(Courtesy of the Jeb'16 campaign. Either you're with US, or you're with the terrorrorrrristas! GREEN GRASS and HIGH TIDES FOREVER!)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R82OM5tzcrk
(DAMN! If that chick Kim Kardashian could loose about a hundred pounds off her bootie, she'd be the PERFECT spokesman/woman/person!)
Now WTF does the (cr)Apple CEO know about breastesses? Not a phucking clue.
Oh, you mean those hideous fat appendages; how gross... Snort.
They should have said it will cure Ebola....no one cares about truth any more anyway. Oh, I forgot, no one cares about Ebola either.
"It's just not that hard to pull your phone out of your pocket."
Is there an app for that?
When you have to poke a hole in your pocket so that your phone can rest halfway down your thigh to your knee, it becomes difficult to pull your phone out of your pocket. Besides that, charges for 'indecent exposure' might apply (depending on your location). SOMETIMES, it IS that hard when you decide to pull your phone out of your pocket (the only 'APPS' I know of have to do with studio contacts in Chatsworth who pay large for pulling my phone out of its holster).
When I can buy a BETTER Indigi GSM smartphone watch at Rakuten.com for $79 ... AAPL has no hope with their price points.
.
It's just not that hard to pull your phone out of your pocket.
The fade down started when it became clear that the watch had to be recharged every 18 hours. Just another something to have to plug every night.
WTF wants a watch that dies every 18 hours?
The cheap fuckers could not add a watch battery?
What kind of idiot would buy this crap?
whatever, BTFD!!!!
AAPL, its got what people need!!!
Im really only partly being sarcastic, since in our full-retard world, with all the i-addicted morons roaming the world, its not hard to picture us turning into the movie 'Idiocracy", if we aren't already there. Simply replace 'Brondo-the thirst mutilator', (which employs everyone and owns everything, making the whole economy dependent on whether or not brondo's stock is doing good or not) with Apple, and there you have it. The entire market, and a lot of peoples wealth, will entirely depend on millions of idiots lining up to buy the latest overpriced, overhyped gadget to keep AAPL stock up in the stratosphere Welcome to idiocracy
Upvote for you sir.
Apple, the privacy mutilator>?
The turn-your-brain-to-mush-er?
The overpriced status symol money mutilator?
The possibilities are endless.
You obviously DON'T GET IT! The watch has an app that tells you which pocket your Iphone is in! It's priceless!
A golden i-key reversal!
She's got some nice nudes
https://wearesodroee.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/christy-turlington-by-h...
she is not I REPEAT NOT
the one
Axl Rose made shit in a kitty litter box
Murkans & Murka http://wp.me/p2kmGE-1P9
ah, the 80s
She does get a 5 Star rating on this site (SFW)
Enjoy, pervs!
I suppose that proves that she is not a shemale. You can tell by the abscense of an AAPLE in her throat.
Tyler(s) this is NOT newsworthy.
Who is Christy Turlington?
I had to startpage her. She is some satanic fashion model.
Married a guy named BURNS...
"She [went jew] For The Money"
~Donna Summer
you got some shit with you lol!!!!! I like it.
my friend did her back in the early 90's, true story
girl or guy?
Monty Burns?
Frank Burns?
Beat me to it.
She's got hot lips
Guess she is some over the hill model, who looked good about 20 years ago. Get em young because it doesn't last long, and when the beauty fades the craaaAAzy rises exponentially.
Maybe if AAPL adopts a few hundred Malawi children they can boost their sales?
George Burns
"Get em young because it doesn't last long, and when the beauty fades the craaaAAzy rises exponentially."
Sadly ~ kissing orgasms are all that's left after the EARTH WIND & FIRE song fades out...
A nice thought, but the low margin on Malawi children would not do much for Apple's bottom line.
Damn what was she back then, like 12?
I don't get it. Christy Turlington burns what? Revise, resubmit.
married to actor ed burns.
The American one, not the Irish one
Kookie?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edd_Byrnes
But in that picture of her, WHY DOES CHRISTY TURLINGTON WANT TO BURN EVERY MOTHER???
Seems a little extreme for Apple.
I had to look it up because I really don't care who she is... nice implants though.
https://www.google.co.nz/search?q=Christy+Turlington+Burns+nude&biw=1280...
What? No Beavuh???
she has pointy elbows.
Would not hit, sharp knees. Also, needs a sammich.
Only eats Rubins... Ummm Reubens...
Needs MANY sammiches.
I bet when she eats her food, she probably just moves the food around on her plate instead of actually eating it, and will eat more ice cubes than actual food.
No, she eats it and then she pukes it back up.
I can't get aroused anymore unless there is a midget swinging a trout from a mini-bike in the shot.
Now that is funny Dave. Thanks still laughing!
Quite an exhibitionist, those photos show her giving a lot of head and other guys laying pipe!
I think she's getting Googled as well...
So a porn queen is representing Apple. Cool.
We're fucking doomed. I wonder if any dinosaurs realized it back in the day? Do you just go on hunting till you die or just lay down and say fuck it?
The pain from hunger is a powerful motivator.
You try laying down and saying fuck it.
I do that every night when the wife tries to lure me into that honey trap. I lay down and my side of the bed and say "fuck-it", it ain't worth the calories to make her happy anymore, and then go to sleep.
Sorry. That must be horrible and emotionally painful for both you and her.
There is a difference between hunger and sex. You can survive for extended periods without sex.
Newton died as a virgin. He believed that to be his greatest accomplishment.
Thanks Saints, most fun I've had all day. But I must be getting old because I had to google christie Turlington to find out who she was.
Where is the FUCK NO I never buy Apple shit option on the poll?
Peanuts
Damn, the moment I want to buy something from Apple...
Every time I buy a stock, it goes down... This is one of my special powers. The other one is predicting the future.
Damn Man, give us all a warning next time you go to buy something !!!
Would you mind picking up some gold and silver then?
Wow, that was good! Missed by many ;-)
!
Off Topic, but an alert to the Tylers.
Scary Stuff. First paragraph...
Sleeping minds: prepare to be hacked. For the first time, conscious memories have been implanted into the minds of mice while they sleep. The same technique could one day be used to alter memories in people who have undergone traumatic events.
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn27115-new-memories-implanted-in-mice-while-they-sleep.html#.VP3ytbV0xFq
Totalitarian Reek-all, bitchez!
I am laughing too hard on this thread. I think that is a bad thing.
Some day in the future:
P1: "HAHAH. HAHAHA. F**k me, I can't stop laughing. I don't even know what I'm laughing about"
P2: "Dude, they're planting laughs in yer head!"
P1: "Oh don't be such a conspiracy theorist... HAHA HAHAHAH"
More random implanted thoughts:
I think a lot of people have already been implanted with the urge to watch cnbc, buy apple products and eat fast food. There is no other explanation for this irrational behavior.
I can't wait till they can just effortlessly de-IQ you. Tell the doc to take ohhh about 1/8" of dendrites right off the top. Then you'd get that permanent idiot grin, and get happy about things like iWatches. The only problem then is remembering to avoid those big garbage trucks with the scooper things on the front.
How do you like your women? Blonde? Brunette? Redhead?
Brunette.
Slim. Athletic. Voluptuous?
Athletic
Demure. Aggressive. Sleazy? Be honest.
Sleazy
... Boy, is he gonna have... a wild time...
Good news, MIFFED, is that you won't ever need to be carting you hubby home from Rekall...
With the chick in this article reminding me about somebody that I used to know...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqRC5tquyU0
Musings About An Old Friend
Echoes from the past
Certainly will always last
In muted form they sound
As to what may not be found
When mentor turns into student
Then the job that's done was prudent
Due respect for that was earned
No desire to have that burned
So fears are most unfounded
It is that which leaves one bounded...
...and still not free.
Damn it.
I have got to go back to Washington State.
What a duality!!!
As usual, I'm just here for the comments.
Reek-all Reek-all Reek-all -all -all
Your DNA has built-in protection for your nervous system called the endocannabinoid system. It protects - or rather rejects - subconcious corruption by these kind of techniques - it's part of the mechanism we have for rejecting irrational or artificial thought and experiences and selecting for rational ones. All animals have it, it's just that it's so developed in man that its protection extends to our higher thought processes. It's the biological manifestation of common sense and critical thinking.
Damage that system through psychological or physical/chemical means and you have an insecure, fearful, pliable, obedient, easily-controlled subject. A psychopath's wet-dream.
Metal probes in your brain can temporarily override the endocannaboinoid system's protection, but it's not very usefull. You know how whiney people get when you start pounding needles into their skulls... well, maybe it's just me. You need something less invasive that will keep working. It's a lot easier to supress a person's endocannabinoid system, then use non-invasive techniques like the ones Goebbels cooked up.
Give everyone a drug to down-regulate their endocannabinoid system and you can rule the world. Glyphosate comes to mind. The trouble is you would have to get everyone to take minute doses of RoundUp herbicide a few times a day. Who would do anything that f'king stupid!
Put it in every pre-packaged food on the market...
LOL - But I hear Roundup's completely safe, and that only crazy conspiracy theorists believe otherwise (because they don't understand science - that's to say, corporate agri/pharma pseudoscience).
You've been reading too much at GlobalResearch recently. The latest on that wonder and very safe chemical
http://www.globalresearch.ca/chronic-kidney-failure-5-times-higher-in-gl...
An alternative is all that mercury and live viruses in vaccines.
I keep my endocannabinoid system in tip-top shape by giving it cannabinoids on a fairly regular basis.
My CB-1 and CB-2 receptors are downright muscular.
The ideal complement for some serious quality time with my garden.
They have only been able to positively identify those two types of receptors, shovelhead. There are likely more than a dozen with several sub-types. You're actually cleaning your receptors by encouraging normal signaling enzyme turnover. If you don't have exogenous cannabinoids handy, then 40 days of fasting is said to work.
Who is to say we haven't all, already been implanted? And if you remember you have been implanted, what the fuck can you do about it anyway?
I should not be laughing this hard.
Something is very wrong.
I think I am just grasping how deeply fucked we really are.
Jeezus . . . we've gone from Kafka to Phillip K. Dick.
Well, prepare yourself for some more insanity.
"
The Office of the Gene Technology Regulator (OGTR) is on its way to approve a licence application from PaxVax Australia (PaxVax) for the intentional release of a GMO vaccine consisting of live bacteria into the environment in Queensland, South Australia, Western Australia and Victoria.
According to the regulator, it qualifies as a limited and controlled release under section 50A of the Gene Technology Act 2000 (the Act).
PaxVax is seeking approval to conduct the clinical trial of a genetically modified live bacterial vaccine against cholera. Once underway the trial is expected to be completed within one year, with trial sites selected from local government areas (LGAs) in Queensland, South Australia, Victoria and Western Australia.
PaxVax has proposed a number of control measures they say will restrict the spread and persistence of the GM vaccine and its introduced genetic material, however there is always a possiblity of these restrictions failing and infecting wildlife and ecosystems.
Aerial vaccines have used in the United States directed towards animals by the use of plastic packets dropped by planes or helicopters.
Sanofi (who is one of the largest vaccine manufacturers in the world) has subsidiary companies such as Merial Limited who manufacture Raboral, an oral live-virus poisonous to humans yet distributed wildlife in the masses.
In 2006 Michael Greenwood wrote an article for the Yale School of Public Health entitled, “Aerial Spraying Effectively Reduces Incidence of West Nile Virus (WNV) in Humans.”
The article stated that the incidence of human West Nile virus cases can be significantly reduced through large scale aerial spraying that targets adult mosquitoes, according to research by the Yale School of Public Health and the California Department of Public Health."
http://real-agenda.com/2015/02/26/australia-to-forcibly-vaccinate-population-through-aerosol-spraying/
Read Philip K. Dick's short story "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale".
Great story which hollywood screwed up as a crappy movie.
Heh, didn't see your post when I posted. I've been reading his short stories lately.
Check out the making of Blade Runner. The one guy talks about meeting PD. He was a writer of short stories trying to make it Hollywood. Supposedly, he and other guys just turned out endless stuff because they got paid probably by the word.
The fellow who did the screenplay for Blade Runner or another guy things Phillip took to many amphetimines to keep writing without sleep that it made him totally paranoid. I would opine, that he probably had a conscience and loathed the evil scum in Hollywood.
Just read it, thanks.
http://www.english.upenn.edu/~cavitch/pdf-library/Dick_Wholesale.pdf
Do you implant the memories in English or mouse.
I read the article and it is not off topic. This is all about reprogramming humanity, IWatch, Google, revamped memories.
They are slowly turning people into flesh and blood robots with no spirit.
That is scary stuff.
What f they give someone memories that are not true, but the person believes it. He walks into a house thinking it is his and kisses a woman he thinks is his wife and gets killed for his trouble because someone programmed the wrong memory into him. The scenarios for screwups are endless.
I want an iRing to go with my shoe phone. Maxwell Smart would not be a great spy without both.
I think we need the "icone of silence" to talk about this.
It's the iWatch for obvious reasons - no matter what they say.
That's the name that people should call it IMO.
The only more appropriate name would be the iSpy.
More like iTurd
Next they will be able to pause us and play us later.
I swear I can't stop laughing.
Gap at $115. Just sayin.... and at $100...
Maybe if they toss in a khaki blowjob as the hook.
Iflop?
Yes, you will; without a bra...
She needs a nicer rack and the face ain't so hot either.
Gotta have some faith in the sound... (1:46)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diYAc7gB-0A
"All we have to do... Is take these LIES & make them TRUE somehow"
i thought she looked good with her model friends in this classic photo: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AJ_GBsKIMCk/UIRpjOTgpBI/AAAAAAAAAGE/Km7H5nVqda...
'closer to the bone, sweeter the meat' or so someone once said.
they look like fun. ymmv
iWatch = iFlop = epic fail
They’ll be OK after they release the iTex and the iPon.
No audible ringer, only vibrate and NFC to the Smartphone so you can text good vibes to your sweetie.
I read that as iTam and iPon...
Then I though, yes, why the hell not, Apple introduces the iTampon...
Features:
Determines your most fertile days.
Monitors temperature.
Monitors excitability.
Monitors flow.
And as an added feature, let's even toss in a GPS locator.
Note to Apple: Pay me bitchez. Prior art...
Using the Trans-Vaginal Ultrasound so popularized by Congress, she can have coversations thru it.
Add a few ringtones and a "Vibrate" Setting...
...it'll sell like hotcakes!
Eflop works for MSFT.
How did MSFT become such serial failure? It has managed to recruit all losers?
You just know Icahn is selling his AAPL up here.
This is how most Apple product announcement goes. Sell the news. Nothing new to see here.
iburner phones for your drug dealers
"How Christy Turlington Cost Apple $17 Billion"
You forgot to add in her salary...
Stock options.
Puts ?
My kids call me "old school" because I wear a watch (Seiko Kinetic - awesome watch).
So...Apple is going to continue the dream with a watch? Steve Jobs would have nixed it.
Apple is one bad phone release away from the early '90's.
The iPhone 6 was a bad phone release, the thing literally bends if placed in a pocket. Yet the drones continue to buy.
I think they'll have to fuck up a few in a row to really implode. I think the bigger story here is that the phone market is reaching saturation just like PCs have, meaning it's a replacement market, and since Apple's share is already quite high, that there's no growth. The same has already happened with tablets and the iPad, that's why they're doing desperately stupid things like making a watch that can't even tell the time for 24 hours and can't be useful without another device within 20 feet of it. Growth is almost completely over in consumer tech outside of one-hit-wonder niches.
Yup. I bought the iPad 2 for $300 after the iPad 3 came out and I have absolutely no desire for a newer version. There's no point.
The bend occured in some of the iphone 6+ I have never had an iphone, but the anti-apple crowd is as absurd as the apple fanboy crowd. Identity consumer product politics; basically I hate you because you purchase apple products or I am cooler because I purchase apple products. (All You All Is Dorks.)
Although I admit, I would feel like a super dork if I wore the i-watch or whatever they call it. Although I would not judge somebody if they did purchase it.
Save on the "Apple" pricetag, and get some choice then. - http://www.banggood.com/buy/Bluetooth-watch.html
One of hundreds of sites selling wearable tech - with decent size (i.e. useful) screen resolution, as well as Android connectivity. Most have a battery life as good as or better than Apple.