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How Christy Turlington Cost Apple $17 Billion: The Annotated Apple Watch Event
Well that escalated quickly.
AAPL stock surged exuberantly on news of a gold Macbook - ran Friday's high stops... then started to tumble on the Apple Watch release, but things got really bad once the Christy Turlington cheesey infomercial kicked in:
The commentary in The Verge was harsh:
- And Christy Turlington Burns is here!
- "She is incredibly impressive. She is Christy Turlington Burns."
- I can't even with this video. It's about maternal health in Africa, with Apple Watch product placement.
- Christy Turlington Burns sadly does not ride a giraffe onto the stage.
- This is so embarassing I want to die.
- "This is my fashion favorite I have to say." "Yes, oh yes."
- Christy wants to beat her marathon record, and the Apple Watch is going to help her get there. Because it injects dopamine directly into your bloodstream.
- Christy is going to do a blog on Apple.com about running omg.
And the punchline:
- Apple has reached the "forced fake Q&A with celebrities" portion of its keynote lifecycle.
End result not good, now that even the fanboys appear to be turning off:
Losing $17 billion in market cap... or 1.7 million $10k Edition watches
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I am more like Seek. old school analog for me.
There is no better watch than one that is signature designed, with a high karat gold encased jeweled precision movement, combined with the gear driven windable/automatic technology which provides both durability and reliablity.
Not only does that make a watch superior with reliable utilty, but in addition unto, that makes the best fashion statement possible...that you have taste in fine accessories.
Check out Marathon watches.
I got mine on a deployment.
It loses a second about once every year or maybe 10 mos.
I assume you mean Timex Marathon? I use those or the Expedition series. Batteries life is at least 5 years as well, they don't break, and do the one thing they're supposed to do really fucking well.
Seiko?
Where'd ya get that kind of money? Big Shot!
I still have my Iron Man Timex going on 12 ... years only changed the battery once! Bought it way back when they cost only $18.45 at Walmart.
Where'd ya get that kind of money? Big Shot!
Simon Black cut him a deal.
So TT, you sound like a watch guy. What do you have?
I am not really a Watch Guy. But I do have an assortment.
I wear my "Electric" 14K Accutron. I like the hum of the tuning forks.
I have an Omega in a Stainless Case.
I wear an old Benrus in 14K as a Dress Watch..
I have a Longines 14K White Gold with Diamond Accents for the Numbers.
I have a Croton Antarctic in Stainless.
Then I have a Concord which I need repaired. World's Thinnest Watch.
Then I also have a Clearback, original display Watch, Bulova.
Then I have others...Citizens...Seikos, and common stuff.
I do not have anything really special. I am not rich.
But I do appreciate fine Watches.
(Now I want a LeCoultre and a decent Movado...I doubt that I shall live so long...)
Dork Divers More Like it...
I see a name change in the offing. Applesoft. I'll recommend a ticker symbol too: ASFT.
Apple, the new, new MSFT. Bloatware run by the gay agenda, trying to force feed shite nobody wants, like an Apple Watch.
Thank you B2u I was about to ask who the feck is Christy Turlington and what has she got to do with Apple watches ? Excuse my celebrity/corporate ignorance
Whoops thats strange the original article did,nt have the infomercial explanation. Anyone else finding ZH reeeealy slow and generally not working well last few days ?
ZH has been hijacked by all the NSA code monkees and hasbara trolls who have the mad 3lite haxor skillz.
Ha! I had to google to find out who she was. i guess all the current supermodels were not available and they had to use one that was more than 20 years past her prime.
remember the letter to the beautful 25 year old woman..."So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!...
Which reminds me of this;
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5GppbNB4foM/UlGyJ5renpI/AAAAAAAAA9M/DADm99SQaO...
"Christy Turlington? She used to be a supermodel. Now she is a 46 year old hag."
Not just an ordinary hag, but an ihag.
Good genes, though. She's a smoker and at 46, she doesn't look her age.
Must be the fetus face cream that's all the rage with the satanical elite women.
Hahahaha
46 is pretty young yet at least that is the way i see it. The old hags i know are around 80 something...
She's way hotter than your girl.
ibooboo
It is hysterical to me that because of Apple's absurd valuation that you can get $20 billion market cap swings during a product presentation. Apple added $15billion in market cap because of a gold colored laptop?
WTF????!!! What would the total sales of gold Macbook Pros be, $500 million max, maybe, and I think that is overly generous.
It's probably closer to a billion, but it's still ridiculous. They ship about 5M units of Macs of all types, more than half of which is mobile, and the gold macbook is in their "volume" line -- prices run north of $1200, same pricing as macbooks pros (d'oh!), so it only takes about 14% of the units to hit a billion. The bigger question is, will they sell a million more because it's gold, and the answer is no, so there's no reason for market cap to increase.
Apple iPod nano 5...5 years later
Who the fuck want a watch of any kind?
and who the fuck is Christy Turlington?
I remember the first wrist watch I was given, Hated it. Why wear a watch when you can ask the dude with a watch what time it is if you need to know. I have tried to live my life not being a slave to what time it is. Same with wearing a tie, no thanks. Same with shaving. I wonder how much money I have saved not having to buy all that gear and cream and Old Spice.
I'd rather look at APMEX than Christy T.
It's hotter and the old stuff looks better.
This entire universe must have been shaken as a baby.
"This entire universe must have been shaken as a baby."
I was thinkin' more like dropped on it's head.
Numerous times.
Yep, it was quite a big bang.
"Christy Turlington Burns"
I think there's a creme for that.
The only thing that's really important is if she is an actress or not!
Anjie Jolie probably wasn't available.
And Scarlett Johansson burst Sodastream's bubble, so she's out.
Remember Kodak ? Wasn't that the global ubiquitous brand and cash generator (all that recycled silver) ? Isn't that the future for Apple ?
Gimme a Kodak moment to remember.
most delectable!
A true indicator worthy of Adam Smith
Gotta love the Apple TV for $69. Best electronic device I own.
It's good. Roku is good too.
I concur about ATV. Don't know anything about Roku.
I know someone that has 3TB of hard drives of pirated movies and TV shows tied to a computer with itunes that they can play through the ATV.
3 TB? Is that all? That might have been an impressive porn collection ten years ago. Nowadays, not so much.
Got bittorrent?
Got the first one with a Crystal HD card, 1080p, XBMC. Great. Once you take the apple out of it.
Meanwhile, Hillary is speaking at an event with Mr. & Mrs. Bill gates. Hopefully Billy G. can explain why hillary was running the state department email system from a server in her bubba's basement.
At the whitehouse pressconference today Josh Earnest had a really hard time explaining how Hillary@whitewaterparty.com was whitelisted for direct email communication US-SOS to US-POTUS.
I really hope Microsoft Certified Systems Engineers/Providers were not involved...
There is only one reason to do that:
If you control the server, you can destroy the evidence.
The use of her in this launch speaks volumes.
Apple knows they have a flop on their hands.
Jobs is probably spinning right about now...
Bring back a hologram of Jobs or a mummy or zombie.
Tim Cook makes Ballmer look interesting and likable. Ballmer is one of the biggest douchebags in the world.
Apple is gay-er than a box of birds, what else is new?
Who's the old geezer in the picture? You might say "Watch the video" but... there's no effing way I'm going to watch an Apple video. You have a better chance of seeing God today.
I must say, Apple products have won the battery life war, but switch to Apple? That's like me switching to the gay dark side so I can have all the shittt in my house match. Tempting, but no fking thank you.
This is what happens when you replace a genius (Steve Jobs) with a faggot (youknowwho).
Notable coattail riders:
Ron Johnson (JC Penny's): EPIC FAIL
Marissa Meyer (Yahoo): FAILING
Fag CEO of Apple: FLAILING and FLAMING, now, with Gerbils up his ass!
Don't get me wrong, I've been using Macs since the days of the 512ks, classics, Lisas, etc. and I love their computers. Just don't have any use for an iPhone, iWatch or iFAG.
Ummmmmm, are you unaware of the fact that Steve Jobs was every bit as gay as Tim Cook is?
you imagine your an adult and use the word faggot? wtf
do you frequently fap to male erotic imagery?
They made a watch that is not water-resistant past-1-meter and even then can only last at a depth under-one-meter FOR A MAX OF 30-MINUTES?! BRILLIANT!!!
You get pushed in a pool deeper than 3-feet-3-inches your iwatch is going to have to sit in a bag of raw uncooked rice for a week to possibly fix it!
Whoever made the decision to make a "sport" watch that you can't go swimming with needs to be fired immediately from Apple as well as all the yes-sheeple under that person who let that glaring flaw go through!
you have to understand who they actually made this for... the "fashionable fitness" crowd... an example: not a one of 'em has seen so much as a drop of whitewater in their lives, but they have at least two kayaks hanging in the garage and the rack on top of their Subarus to go with them...
When things get too gay... time to run away.....
This is news? Well Fuck Her Sideways!
Because she didn't bring a wild African with a koteka on stage, that everyone was expecting with an iPhone in his hands.
the apple watch is a smart development in one way, the wrist watch is part of your apparel, you dont think about it, its just there. so you look to see what time it is, you say i wonder how the mets are doing? whats traffic like on the 99? the idea that you would walk around with your nose stuck to a 4 inch screen has become obsolete as well. pretty soon they wire the feed into your brain, so you think to yourself, i wonder how the mets are doing, and a voice comes on and gives you the score. using one of these handheld devices is similar to watching television according to a schedule. nobody does that, you go on internet or your roku. advertising is meant to sell you on the difference between things which really are not different at all. so Apple has a problem how do you sell people on something subliminal, and consumers are aware that mass produced products are the same. now if Apple could give you a product that would give you exceptional powers, custom designed for your personality, the way you live, and it would be subliminal. say you date a lot, an app that would do intimate background checks, you start to talk to a beautiful girl the voice in your head says, forget it she has herpes.
I think my Rolex gold bubbleback makes a more elegant statement...
If you can afford a Rolex, then you are part of th .001%.
I therefore respectfully ask you to fuck yourself. What are you doing on ZH anyway...
I had a Rolex GMT II Master once... Bought it in Cape Town back [back when Mandela was still in jail] & paid cash [no tax] for a very good price [after having priced the same watch in Tokyo, Hong Kong, & Frankfurt]... Got it stolen TWICE, the 2nd time it didn't come back to me...
It kept shitty time... Cost a fortune to send to the JEWeler to get cleaned... I don't miss it AT ALL...
Not true. Rolexes are very affordable. I bought mine in Turkey for less than $10. It evens says "Made in Switzerland" on the face, and unlike the obsolete model that some people think are status symbols, runs on a battery so you don't need one of those winders to keep it alive when you're not wearing it. It keeps pretty good time too.
Prolly 'TICKS' the seconds off too! #WINNING
Go to SGP.
During a Port Visit, the Chaplain on my Ship once bought a knockoff for that price - with the "ROLLX" Logo as the Novelty purchasing reason.
Dunno how long the watch kept time (3 months or so); but he really enjoyed showing it to everyone on the Ship. "R-O-Double-L-X!"
Imagine how excited she's gonna be when the Apple iVibrator is released!?
Dow Jones picked a horrible week to switch out AT&T for Apple.
So how did they justify that again?
iCrack
I wear a silver pocket watch, with a chain, and it is galactically more cool than anything with an Apple or "i" in front of it.
Oh my GOD!!! The stock price is down......whoops, I mean up since yesterday, I mean since opening this morning. LMAO. The sky is falling!! The sky is falling!!
sooooo, no one out there sees this device as nothing more than a gps ankle bracelet (like they put on parolees) but for the wrist ...AND PLUS you have to pay for it ?!?!
And since it has the equivalent of an alarm clock integrated, people will be wearing this thing day and night...and since you WEAR it, it will also monitor your vitals (and report them as well).
Bravo AAPL, bravo. As for me...no thanks.
While I hate Apple for many reasons, the top two reasons are overpriced technology and the fact that once you put itunes on PC it takes over your library. I have no doubt that they will sell a ton of these iwatches. Every fanboy will have one on just so they can feel special. Eventually, probably 6 months down the road they'll be in everyone's junk drawer.
Never underestimate the stupidity of humans and the need to fit in. I think its a gimmick but anybody old enough to remember the Pet Rock knows how stupid people really are. If your not old enough to remember it was a box with a rock in it and in the 70's someone sold millions of them at $3.95 a pop. Same thing with Beanie babies. Oh and by the way the Pet Rock is back with little glued on eyes. $12.95 on amazon. Unfuckingreal.
>Eventually, probably 6 months down the road they'll be in everyone's junk drawer.
When I was young, I bought the geek gadgets. (They sit in a junk drawer, most notable here is a Palm Pilot...)
As I aged, I learned never to buy the first release of a product. (It's buggy because end users will bang on a product in ways the company employees never dreamed of...)
Now, I buy the cheapest laptop I can find, and partition it to run Linux, and what ends up left on the Microsoft partition is anything that's free (Gimp, Libre Office, etc., etc.). I get rid of the Microsoft bloatware asap.
Hmm, could just be me and where I live, and of course the folk I know and drink with couldnt give two fucks about bairns toys like this Iphone watch. Why? What the fuck for?
Hat tip to Ebworthen, I myself own a Seiko Arctura Kintetic that hasnt had a fucking windup or battery in the ten years it was bought for me for.
Mindless, senseless, idiocy, bull fucking shit that no one from the working world can even get their heads round. And not one person I know or work for believes this shit, and by Dog himself I know a fucking lot of folk.
And who the fuck is chiristinstein turlington?
Stupid fucking cunts
;-)
Hey, look, some folks feel the need to let the NSA know what they're up to 24/7. It's like the purpetual selfie.
iShackled
You are overlooking some distinct technical advantages that the iWatch offers that you can't get with a conventional watch ... even a Rolex.
For example, the iWatch can communicate via your MacBook with Humana who can analyze your monitored health data. This benefits everyone. The iWatch will let you know how well you are, and Humana will know which one of their customers need to have their health insurance canceled because their iWatch shows early signs of health problems. A win-win for everyone.
'Hat tip to Ebworthen, I myself own a Seiko Arctura Kintetic that hasnt had a fucking windup or battery in the ten years it was bought for me for"
I have a Citizen Ecodrive watch (light-powered, no battery) that's 20 years old. It's been repaired only twice; once after I dropped it on a hard floor. It's accurate, and just keeps working.
I despise Apple and everything it stands for. I have never bought an Apple product and never will.
Casio Illuminator. 7 year battery life. Accurate to a couple of seconds per year.
It's probably the single most reliable piece of technology I have ever owned and it only cost 35 quid. Mine's nearly 15 years old now.
yeah like you see a chick with an I watch at the lunch counter and it says--forget it -she has fat ankles---lol
I'd buy one if Forrest Gump replaces Christy.
"Time has passed me by."
I never heard of this chick until today.
Is she popular with the gay crowd since the new Apple CEO is a tweet?
30 sec chart FTW!
Welcome to HFT
Well this new Jobs guy is gay and hanging out with supermodels so crAAPl must be cool. I'll take 100.
Das Rayciss...or something.
Does Christy Turlington have rounded corners? Does her face crack after 6 weeks?
No, but if you sit on her she might bend.
could she look any more self-righteous?
Only if she was Sean Penn or Bono
Sean Penn may be too political on his sleeve,and all that, but he's a cool guy and genuine. Bono....pfffffzzzttt..
Yes...when she's driving her Prius while eating organic kale chips.
I heard her seaweed from the Pacific Ocean soup was to glow for!
Dear Lord, save us from these pretentious pricks and bearded clams.
supercilious.
18 hour battery life LOL what a fucking joke!
Are you kidding? That is almost a full day. Wait I will take out my apple watch and phone to calculate how many hours will be left in a day...
I plan to wear another watch to keep time when my iWatch and phone batteries run out. I don't find this ironic at all.
Is that really true? Who wants a watch that dies in 18 hours? WTF??
I have a nice collection of military watches that keep good time and glow in the dark.
I saw the launch. She was jogging with the watch AND her iphone in an armband. If you need to carry your phone to make the watch usable as a health/fitness product, that's just plain stupid. I can run with my phone running an app (which most people HATE to do), or a fitness watch w/o my phone.
but...AAPL!
Quit thinking and Just Buy It (TM)
Totally agree - running with a phone would suck. Serious training watch has built in barometeric altimeter and gps and buttons you can actually use while in motion. You can download to overlay on maps when your done. I picture trail running and trying to twizzle that silly fake stem: are you kidding me?
You're so frigg'n unpatriotic talking that way .....
It's just too much. I'm guessing this is meant to end Apple. But none of these thousands of turds working at Apple noticed. If they had reasoning capacity at least by today there would have been mass resignations.
But this girl is actually not on fire....if she was that would be cool....weird...horrid...oh wait..every mother counts....glad father don't....
Some mothers did not make it through elementary school so technically...
AAPL Slogan: Who needs kids, buy an AAPL watch.
Look trendy.
Buy one for your toy poodle too.
Why? Would you want people to breed who take an AppleWatch over having children?
White people aren't breeding.
Soon to become minorities in the world.
Filthy WHORE! !!
???
Maybe a filthy pimp? Christy: "iPimp Apple Watches."
Just like Saint Bono and mega corporate rockers U2. The ultimate NWO/NGO rock band.
I bet she gives band-aid head....nice to look at....most likely a bum lay
You'd have to be very gentle with her, lest those thin bones break. She needs some food right away.
would like to find out though.......
Tim Cook is more interested in going shopping with her than laying her, in case you haven't heard..
For the love of god can we PLEASE put a stake through the heart of this consumeristic BS economy?
what's the matter?
underwater on your investments?
Wow... deep thinking ....
I'm waiting for the iGun...that should be interesting...
It won't use standard bullets with gunpowder, it will use soft foam puffs with rounded corners propelled by compressed air. It will cost $6999.00.
And you end up destroying the gun when you have to replace the iBullet.
There are some women left in America.
Who would rather buy baby furniture.
Than flush their money down the toilet.
Christy would rather flush a fetus down the toilet.
Haha, I am saving up for a Rolex. I want a Real Watch.
I was involved with the Apple Watch reveal video. These guys take themselves seriously, just gobs and gobs of money injected into their projects.
This thing is a turd that no one but Hipsters will want. Well, pompous turds that see it as a status symbol will snarf one up I'm sure.
Brilliant engineering--they really are good at that shit--but completely uneccessary in everyday life. The screen is too goddamn small to read. You're just asking for cancer having all these devices so close to your body.
If you have the pressing need to wear a status watch, Rolex is still in business.
Just another step closer to chip implants.
Too bad our DNA doesn't like microwaves.
I really hope they buy and wear it to bed.
That said, you're insane if you microwave your food as well. I cringe every time I see someone do that.
That said, you're insane if you microwave your food as well. I cringe every time I see someone do that.
The radiation, the chemicals, the GMOs, the vaccines, are all part of the The Quiet War against humanity.
Anyone keeping these devices close to their body is asking for trouble.
The South was right!
try the Sham-Wow add-on, only $199.95
A Sham-Wow iPad would be very absorbent!
So she is going to run a marathon with a Apple watch, and..with her Smartphone in her running trousers...hahaha...
The whole smart watch with a tiny screen turns me off. I want biger screnes as my eyes get older. Plus midget porn is boring.
Who?
'
'
'
What does that shirt say?!
"Every Mother's What?!?"
•?•
V-V
Every mother mutters...
say that three times dast
Lets see. . .
1000$ iwatch that needs a phone to work.
or
4000+ plus Omega Planet Ocean 45mm on a credit card for almost the same monthly payment anyway ?
or
4000+ $$ in my pocket to spend on gambling and alcohol.
Hmm . . .
Also I have to say.
A watch that spies on you and is known as the "iWatch" is just funny. . . as in "iWatch you" lol . . . yes Im sure the watch is collecting tons of data and reporting it to big brother . . . gps locations, how many steps you take, your heart rate . . . when the opportune moment will be to derail the train you are on or to disable the steering in your car remotely . . . etc. . . lol
hookers and blow, dude.
You're not thinking straight.
Well, maybe 10 grand for top notch hooker and blow.
but still....
...so where's the "hitler responds to the iwatch" video already....????
Give it 24 hours.
http://youtu.be/H-YCZr0epts
I know I'm last.
dont care either way about apple, but is it just me or is that watch rather hideous? by mattel?
Jobs looked and acted like a high-powered business exec; Cook looks like he should be bagging groceries...