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Wall Street Firm Unleashes New High-Frequency Impropriety Algo
Fact... Or Fiction...
Calling it a major breakthrough that will significantly expedite and streamline its daily operations, Wall Street financial firm Goldman Sachs revealed Thursday it has developed a new high-speed algorithm that is capable of performing more than 10,000 ethical violations per second.
“With this new automated program, we’ll be able to systematically deceive investors, engage in conflicts of interest, and execute thousands of other blatantly unethical dealings in the time it takes to press a button,” said John Waldron, co-head of Goldman Sachs’ investment banking division, who added that the high-frequency impropriety system will be able to break more rules in a minute than an entire floor of morally suspect securities traders, financial analysts, and portfolio managers could over the course of a week.
“In the past, if one of our brokers wanted to exploit a questionably legal regulatory loophole or breach the covenant of good faith with an investment client, that would require hours of manually contravening the basic principles of professional integrity. But this innovative system will allow millions of such transgressions to go through every single day. Going forward, I expect this revolutionary program to be the cornerstone of our business.”
Upon learning of the advanced new unethical algorithm, investors initiated a buying frenzy on Goldman Sachs stock, sending share prices surging more than 30 percent to $245.46.
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Go for the gold - 1 million ethical violations per second. The vampire squid deserves no less.
Behind every great fortune lies a great crime.
Honore de Balzac
Love seeing this lampooning of the racketeers going mainstream (more-or-less).
How many MEVPS (Million Ethical Violations Per Second) can YOUR server achitecture perform? At HP we are committed to transforming the landscape of MEVPS world with a new class of high performance blade servers to provide our Wall St. clients with a an affordable, powerful and highly scalable MEVPS computing platform.
It's also ROHS-compliant. (You're going to have to look up ROHS youself)
ban high capacity nailguns
Having trouble getting hold of 22LR lately? Shoot 22 pellets with nail gun blanks:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOZpy55U-jY
In the femto second quantum world of HFT trading, all your stocks, EFT's, etc. are in a superposition state of both gain and loss until you observe them.
Tell you what, ... You better not look.
Too funny.
Schrödinger's stock!
Oh goodie goodie. Another algo. One more way these fucking Wall Street crooks can steal money from the middle class.
The problem with the Onion is nowadays they tend to more accurate than the MSM, better written too....
The real world caught up with their sarcasm. Their business model is doomed.
Peak sarcasm????
Got to love the Onion. Triple so when the MSM runs with it.
The Onion became a credible source which means they write news before the events happen. It also means we live in a crazy Monthy Python world.
that is the development wishlist for the next gen
How long before the DJIA will only need to be open for 500 milliseconds a day?
They want the Sheep and Muppets to still feel welcome.
Cool story brah
it hurts less if you squirt some lube in it first
This is very old and dated info. It is what HFT is all about. Did a SEC douche just wake up from his post-maturbatory nap?
SEC is the Proxy torrent site to access are Porn.
\sarc
The Onion is like Sci-Fi: eventually much of what is written becomes fact/truth.
New net neutrality loophole. Algorithm bots have OnePass membership privileges. Campaign theme was borrowed from my old Continental Airlines card. United destroyed another great customer service oriented airline business model. Another flash crash will happen. Serves them right.
/sarc
It is only funny because it is so conceivably believable...
They're going to need an entire line at the unemployment office specifically dedicated to unemployed rogue traders.
But, who will Goldman blame and fire the next time they get caught burning the candle on both ends and the middle?
Rogue programmers... soon to be followed by Rogue A.I.
Machines don't have ethics, so if a machine does it there is no ethical violation.